"t": (AS IT SHRUGS) Eh.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Welcome to the grand opening of our whatchamacallit, which thanks to the lobbying of Lisa Simpson, we built instead of a new baseball stadium.

Homer Simpson: At least the pennant works both ways.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Professor Frink will now throw a switch, which will either answer certain obscure questions of subatomic physics or destroy the universe.

Professor Jonathan Frink: (AMAZED) Oh my god particle!

Mayor Joe Quimby: (EXCITED) What is it, Professor?

Professor Jonathan Frink: You can tell your grandchildren you were here when humanity finally learned that this accelerator is much too small to tell us anything important.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Thanks a lot, Liser.

Lenny Leonard: That money could've been used for a war!

Groundskeeper Willie: No one takes Willie's mop!

Groundskeeper Willie: (NERVOUS NOISES) Take the mop! Take the mop!

Lisa Simpson: Huh?

Lisa Simpson: (GASPS) A mini black hole!

Ralph Wiggum: Whee! (SUCKED-IN NOISE)

Lisa Simpson: (UPSET NOISE) Oh no, I've got to take it away before more clueless kids fall into it!

Nelson Muntz: Geronimo! (SUCKED-IN NOISE)

Cletus Spuckler: (THRILLED) I's rich!

Cletus Spuckler: (SADLY) I's poor and shackless.

Homer Simpson: Lisa! Do you have a stray dog down there?

Lisa Simpson: Um, it's a lot worse than a stray dog.

Homer Simpson: (HORRIFIED) Two stray dogs?

Lisa Simpson: It's a black hole!

Homer Simpson: That was gonna be my next guess!

Lisa Simpson: Are you sure your next guess wasn't "three stray dogs?"

Homer Simpson: (BEAT) Maybe.

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED) A black hole? (LOUD WHISPER) I'm sorry, can we call it that?

Lisa Simpson: Yes, it's the preferred term. And most scientists believe that what enters a black hole never comes out. But some think they may be a gateway to other universes.

Homer Simpson: Hey, can it open a pretzel bag for me? Help a brother out, B.H.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Lisa Simpson: Guys, stop throwing things in the hole -- the more you throw in, the bigger and more dangerous it becomes!

Homer Simpson: (TO LISA) Come on, you can't look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, don't pat it!

Homer Simpson: Why should-- (SHRIEKS)

Homer Simpson: (FURIOUS) Why you little...

Homer Simpson: (BOOMING) I am nature's perfect choking machine!

Marge Simpson: Okay, that's it! I'm putting a baby-gate across the black hole, and don't throw anything more into it! Uh-oh, yes, Homer.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's creepy.

Homer Simpson: Sorry.

Marge Simpson: I know we shouldn't feed this, but grease brings raccoons.

Marge Simpson: Quit bageling my English muffins!

Lisa Simpson: The black hole is looking a lot bigger. Does anybody want to admit to throwing things in?

Homer Simpson: Nope. / Not me. / Do we even still have that thing?

Lisa Simpson: And I have to ask... has anyone seen the cat?

Marge Simpson: Now what?

Homer Simpson: Okay, it's possible that someone may have started a business called "Magic Craphole Waste Removal," but it wasn't me.

Lisa Simpson: Stop! This is a black hole, not a lawn and leaf bag! If one more thing gets in there it could reach critical mass!

Milhouse Van Houten: I did it! I hit my first homerun!

Lisa Simpson: Noooo!

Kirk Van Houten: I'm still proud of you, buddy! And look! I've got money to take you for pizza!

Kirk Van Houten: (DOPPLER) You saw that I had the money, right?

Ethereal Being: (CULTURED BRITISH VOICE) Welcome, trans-dimensional visitors.

2nd Ethereal Being: (ALSO BRITISH) We have received your many gifts with gratitude.

Nelson Muntz: Haw-haw!

Ethereal Being: We have built our society around the treasures you have sent.

2nd Ethereal Being: Our most popular magazine is your President's Day mattress blow-out insert.

Ethereal Being: Our favorite food is your banana peel.

2nd Ethereal Being: And we listen to all our music on the most wonderful device ever created... the Zune.

Ethereal Beings: (WORSHIPFUL) Zune... Zune... Zune...

Homer Simpson: Treasures? Gifts? You got it all wrong. That stuff is just our old--

Marge Simpson: Wonderful stuff! Enjoy it!

Ethereal Beings: (WORSHIPFUL) Zune...

Homer Simpson: Day one.

Homer Simpson: We've bought this camera because strange things have been going on at our house in the dead of night.

Homer Simpson: And if anyone finds this footage after we're all missing or dead, remember me as a hero.

Bart Simpson: Dad, you forgot to pick me up after Little League!

Lisa Simpson: You tossed your car keys in my bean plant! (PULLS OUT KEYS)

Homer Simpson: (DRAMATIC) A hero.

Ned Flanders: Homer! Is that my camera?

Homer Simpson: Hero away!

Homer Simpson: Night One. Wanna snuggle?

Marge Simpson: Not with the camera on. (TURNS PAGE)

Homer Simpson: (SNEAKY) I turned it off.

Marge Simpson: (LOOKS UP) Looks like the red light's on.

Homer Simpson: I swear, I am not filming.

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) Note to self: edit out my lies.

Homer Simpson: Wait! Don't kill the monster without me!

Homer Simpson: I'm right behind you, honey! (SHOCKED) We have stairs?! (ADLIB PAINFUL TUMBLING DOWN STAIRS NOISE)

Homer Simpson: What the?

Lisa Simpson: Why is this happening to us?

Marge Simpson: I don't know, I don't know! I'm sure I don't know!

Homer Simpson: Oh, sweetie, sometimes a mysterious, invisible being from hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them. Now go to bed.

Lisa Simpson: But--

Homer Simpson: (FIRMLY) Eh-eh, school night.

Homer Simpson: Now you're sure I bought enough cameras and extended warranties to catch that ghost?

Technician: (WISEGUY) Sir, whatever happens in this house, these cameras will pick it up.

Homer Simpson: Ooh, I can't wait for tonight's massacre.

Homer Simpson: (CASUAL) Hey, Marge.

Homer Simpson: (SEXY) Oh, like what you see, huh?

Homer Simpson: I like it when you don't say words.

Marge Simpson: Come here, you. (KISSING NOISES) / (OMINOUS GROWLS)

Chief Wiggum: Yeah. That's hellfire all right. Someone in this family has made a deal with the devil, and now the devil wants his due!

Chief Wiggum: Now remember, this creature feeds on your fear.

Chief Wiggum: (TERRIFIED) What the hell was that?!

Chief Wiggum: Actually, he feeds on more than just fear.

Marge Simpson: Give back my baby!

Demon: We had a deal!

Lisa Simpson: (TERRIFIED) Mom, what's going on?

Demon: Don't act so surprised, Marge. You knew this day was coming!

Bart Simpson: Let's see what we're dealin' with here.

Lisa Simpson: It's Moe with wings!

Demon: Moe Szyslak? Come on, he's much more hideous and evil than me!

Marge Simpson: (SOBS) I brought this on us all. It began when I was a girl...

Teenage Selma: (CHANTING) Hail Satan!

Little Marge: What are you doing?

Teenage Patty: Trying to summon the devil.

Little Marge: Why?

Teenage Patty: Nothing good on TV.

Teenage Selma: We have no boyfriends.

Teenage Patty: We're bored.

Teenage Selma: Something to do.

Teenage Selma: (CHANTING) Hail Satan / the minister of sinister / Rude dude with the bad 'tude

Teenage Patty: (CHOKING) Save us, Marge!

Teenage Selma: We'll never make fun of any man you date or marry.

Little Marge: Um... Mr. Demon, could you come back for my sisters later?

Demon: Very well, you have thirty years. But when I return, Marge, I shall take your favorite child.

Lisa Simpson: I thought I was the favorite.

Lisa Simpson: Not the favorite! Not the favorite!

Homer Simpson: Listen, pal, you seem like an honest guy.

Homer Simpson: Is there any other deal that you can accept?

Demon: (BEAT) Three-way.

Homer Simpson: (A LITTLE INTRIGUED) You, me and Marge?

Demon: (NEGOTIATING) Demon, demon, you.

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) I guess it's one of those things a dad has to do...

Homer Simpson: Now, before we start, what's the safe word?

Demon: Cinnamon.

Homer Simpson: Ooh, I like that. Now, I'd like to try something new if you don't mind...

DEMONS: (PANICKY) Cinnamon / Cinnamon / Cinnamon!

Homer Simpson: Cinnamon!

Bart Simpson: Y'know, it's really not fair you're charging two hundred bucks for a comic that says twenty-five cents on the cover!

Comic Book Guy: (SNORTS) The only way to buy that comic book for twenty-five cents is to go back to nineteen seventy-four.

Bart Simpson: That's impossible!

Bart Simpson: Or is it?

Professor Jonathan Frink: Oh, it worked! My time machine has worked! This is the most fantastically-powerful invention in mankind's history. (NOTICES BART) Here, kid. Hold my keys while I grab some lunch.

Bart Simpson: Nineteen seventy-four! I won't be needing this.

Bart Simpson: Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one's mad at George Lucas.

Bart Simpson: Eh, pretty good. A little preachy.

Principal Dondelinger: Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumbel.

Principal Dondelinger: Allow me, gentlemen.

Bart Simpson: It's Homer! Before his boobs came in!

Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer.

Teenage Homer: Who are you?

Bart Simpson: I'm your unwanted son from the future, who killed all your fun!

Teenage Homer: (LOSING IT) Why you little...

Teenage Marge: Excuse me, is this room one-oh-six?

Teenage Marge: Let go of him! What kind of jerk strangles a little boy?

Homer Simpson: (SMITTEN, DESPERATE) Would you go to the prom with me?

Teenage Marge: Promenade? With you? Forget it, bub!

Teenage Homer: It was love at first sight, and you ruined it!

Marge Simpson: It was not love at first sight!

Teenage Homer: (MAD) What do you know?

Teenage Marge: I know who I'm in love with.

Teenage Homer: You're lookin' at him.

Teenage Marge: You're an idiot.

Teenage Homer: You're the idiot.

Teenage Homer: Don't act like I'm the first person that ever said that!

Teenage Marge: You are the first person who ever said that!

Teenage Homer: Shut up and go to the prom with me!

Bart Simpson: Ay carumba! If you guys don't get together... what does that mean for me in the future?

Bart Simpson: (GASPS) I don't exist?

Bart Simpson: (TO SELF) Or... my life might be a hell of a lot better!

Bart Simpson: Ma'am, whatever you do, do not marry that ape.

Teenage Marge: Whatever you say, little boy.

Teenage Homer: C'mere!

Bart Simpson: Now to return to a future where I'm either rich or allowed to stand in front of a rich guy's house. Either way, better than now.

Teenage Homer: (MENACING) Stupid kid. Steals my future. Well I'm going to...ice cream, with cookie dough?!

Teenage Homer: (IMPRESSED) ...unnecessarily big TVs?!

Teenage Homer: ..."Thursday Night Football?!" (STICKS FINGER IN AIR) And the globe feels so warm -- I am in awe of the future!

Teenage Homer: Okay, that's not so great.

Marge Simpson: Here's your smoothie, sweetheart.

Artie Ziff: Why would I suck smoothie, when I can suck face with you, Mrs. Artie Ziff!

Bart Simpson: My Dad is Artie Ziff?

Artie Ziff: Indeed! Which makes you Barty Ziff!

Bart Simpson: (SHOCKED WHISPER) Oy carumba!

Lisa Simpson: (LIKE LOVITZ) Achem!

Artie Ziff: Good morning, beloved son. Enjoy your luxurious life, including your own bully butler.

Nelson Muntz: (DIGNIFIED) Will that be haw-haw, sir?

Bart Simpson: (THINKS, THEN) Give yourself a wedgie.

Nelson Muntz: (DIGNIFIED) Excellent choice. (WEDGIES SELF)

Teenage Homer: I've met some jive turkeys in the seventies but that turkey's the jivest.

Mysterious Figure: (HOMER VOICE) Hey! You! This is my peeping tree!

Present-Day Homer: (PUZZLED) Young me? What brings you to the present?

Teenage Homer: I've traveled through space and time to make Marge settle for me because she doesn't know better.

Present-Day Homer: Well, if we put our heads together, we can think of a plan.

Teenage Homer: I've gotta ask, what happened? (GESTURES TO PRESENT-DAY HOMER) Was I in a forest fire or something?

Present-Day Homer: (OFFENDED) No.

Bart Simpson: I love my life. I love it not. I love my life. I love it not.

Artie Ziff: (LOOKING ON) You're just like Indiana Jones, son. A role played by Richard Dreyfuss in our universe.

Present-Day Homer: I'm here to take my life back!

Artie Ziff: (WALKING UP) I thought this might happen so I mastered Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

Artie Ziff: Crawl atop me and meet your doom!

Present-Day Homer: (DEFIANT) Not so fast! Say hello to The United Federation of Homers Through History!

Corrupt Pope Homer: Crush them in the name of Jebus!

Present-Day Homer: (HEAD STICKING OUT OF TREE HOLE) Okay guys, let's regroup. We'll come back with more Homers and start fresh in the morning.

Fop Homer: (UNIMPRESSED NOISE) What's she doing here?

Marge Simpson: I'll tell you what I'm doing, I'm realizing that I married the wrong man. Oh, you poor, sweet, simple Homers.

Marge Simpson: I was supposed to be with all of you.

Marge Simpson: Even you, Caveman Homer.

Present-Day Homer: That's Renaissance Homer.

Marge Simpson: Well, cardinal or cannibal, I wish that twenty years ago I had chosen love.

Marge Simpson: (IRATE) Lemme get this straight. None of you had time to take out the garbage?

Fop Homer: Make Egyptian Slave Homer do it.

Egyptian Slave Homer: It's always me.