Lisa Simpson: (SINGING) SILVER BELLS, SILVER BELLS...

Lisa Simpson: (SINGING) ...IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME IN THE CITY...

Snake Jailbird: That is like, so moving. (TURNS) Yo family, isn't that beautiful?

Lisa Simpson: (SINGING) ...WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND.

C. Montgomery Burns: (TOUCHED) Exquisite, just exquisite. Makes me wish I hadn't released the hounds.

Waylon Smithers: Should I call them off, sir?

C. Montgomery Burns: No, no. It's their Christmas too.

Lisa Simpson: (TO THE TUNE OF "HAVA NAGILA") HAVA-NICE CHRISTMAS, HAVA-NICE CHRISTMAS, HAVA-NICE CHRISTMAS...NON-CHRISTIAN FRIEND...

Krusty the Clown: (ROLLING EYES) That's even worse than "I'm Dreaming of a Whitefish Christmas."

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: For this I tied my bathrobe?

Lisa Simpson: (SING) JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING / RING-TING-TINGLING TOO...

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Cease and desist! You are forbidden to perform that song without paying royalties to the copyright owner.

Marge Simpson: (SCOFFING) Nobody owns Christmas Carols. They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Not true! But you are welcome to sing the many beloved public domain carols such as O Tannenbaum, Good King Wenceslas, Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring--

Homer Simpson: Those suck. They're worse than nothing. I could write way better songs.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Go ahead. But don't use A-flat or G-natural. Those notes are owned by Disney.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: That's A-flat.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: That's better.

Homer Simpson: That's it, I'm writing a Christmas carol. If I can make my own clothes, I can do anything.

Homer Simpson: CHRISTMAS IN DECEMBER / WOW WOW WOW / GIVE ME TONS OF PRESENTS / NOW NOW NOW!

Ned Flanders: Hey Homer, writing a new Christmas carol?

Homer Simpson: Maybe.

Ned Flanders: Well, the Bible says it's fun to do stuff together.

Ned Flanders: (SINGING) THERE'S A STRANGER IN THE MANGER AND HIS NAME IS LOVE (SPOKEN) Take it, Homer!

Ned Flanders: Oh, I got it -- you want me to stay out here and work on the chorus.

Homer Simpson: Flanders, I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man. But even I have my limits. Now beat it!

Ned Flanders: Why thank you, Homer. It's a popsicle in my favorite flavor -- plain.

Homer Simpson: How am I supposed to write a song with that stupid jerk bothering me all the time... Wait a minute...

Homer Simpson: (SINGS) EVERYBODY IN THE USA / HATES THEIR STUPID NEIGHBOR / (GAINING CONFIDENCE) HE'S FLANDERS AND HE'S REALLY REALLY LAME / FLANDERS TRIED TO WRECK MY SONG / HIS VIEWS ON BIRTH CONTROL ARE WRONG / I HATE HIS GUTS AND FLANDERS IS HIS NAME.

Carl Carlson: (SHOUT) F-L-A-N-R-D-S!

Homer Simpson: (SINGS) HE'S THE MAN THAT I HATE BEST / I'D LIKE TO SEE HIS HOUSE GO UP IN FLAME!

David Byrne: Excuse me, I've been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield, and I couldn't help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song.

Carl Carlson: (AMAZED) David Byrne?!

Moe Szyslak: (AMAZED) Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head...

David Byrne: And, I used to wrestle under the name "El Diablo."

Lenny Leonard: I thought that was Philip Glass.

David Byrne: Yeah, he wishes.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Mister? If you like my song so much, would you like to buy a tape? (SELLING) It's already rewound.

David Byrne: No thanks. But I would like to sing it with you and produce it.

Homer Simpson: (ROLLS EYES, ANNOYED) Fine.

Carl Carlson: (YELLING) F-L-A!

Homer Simpson: (YELLS) His name is Ned!

Carl Carlson: (YELLING) E-R-S!

Homer Simpson: (YELLS) Ned's a stupid name! (SINGS) HE'S WORSE THAN FRANKENSTEIN OR DR. NO.

David Byrne: (SINGS) YOU CAN'T UPSET HIM EVEN SLIGHTLY / HE JUST SMILES AND NODS POLITELY / THEN GOES HOME AND WORSHIPS NIGHTLY / (SPOKEN) His Leftorium is an Emporium of Woe!

Carl Carlson: F-L-A!

Homer Simpson: (NAGGING OLD LADY) Don't yell at Ned!

Carl Carlson: (YELL) D-E-R!

Homer Simpson: (NAGGING OLD LADY) His wife is dead!

Homer Simpson: (SING) EVERYBODY HATES THAT STUPID JERK!

David Byrne: SPRINGFIELD ROCKS WITH HOMER'S JOYOUS LOATHING...

David Byrne: ...FILLING CLUBS (TAKES QUICK SIP OF WATER) WITH ANGRY VALENTINOS...

David Byrne: YOU DON'T HAVE TO MOVE YOUR FEET / JUST HATE FLANDERS TO THE DISCO BEAT...

Homer Simpson: HE'S YOUR PERKY, PEPPY NIGHTMARE NEIGHBORINO!

Homer Simpson: IF YOU DESPISE POLITE LEFT-HANDERS...

Ned Flanders: THEN I DOUBT YOU'LL LIKE NED FLANDERS / OR HIS CREEPY LITTLE OFFSPRING, ROD AND TODD...

Todd Flanders: That's us!

Rod Flanders: Hooray!

Springfielders: (YELL) F-L-A!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (YELLS) His name is Ned!

Springfielders: (YELL) E-R-S!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (YELLS) He is so white bread!

Choir: (SING) THE SMILING, MUSTACHED GEEK WHO WALKS WITH GOD!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Mass dismissed!

Homer Simpson: Hey, what are we gonna wear tomorrow?

Bill: We're half-way through our same song six-pack!

Marty: Now let's hear William Shatner's version of "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders"!

Marge Simpson: Another cover? My God, let it die.

William Shatner: (SPEAKS/SING) Everybody... in the... USA... hates their... stupid neighbor (NAY-BORE)... He's the Flanders man... the Flanders man... Flanders!

Marge Simpson: I am so sick of that song!

Homer Simpson: (EXASPERATED) Me too -- I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.

Marge Simpson: Why don't we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while?

Homer Simpson: Well, I guess we could afford one nice trip.

Marge Simpson: I still think you should have left that at the motel.

Homer Simpson: What? It said "take one."

Bart Simpson: Balloon ride, wax museum, the Denzel Washington monument, colonial Phoenix, hey, dude ranch!

Bart Simpson: And there's no radio or TV, so we won't have to hear your song!

Homer Simpson: Sweet.

Lisa Simpson: (PICKS UP ANOTHER BROCHURE) Or we could go to Walter Gropius's Bauhaus Village?

Homer Simpson: And fight the crowds? Forget it. The Simpsons are going to Bart's idea!

Homer Simpson: This dude ranch is gonna be great -- a whole week without hearing that stupid song.

David Byrne: You won't think it's stupid when you hear the extended salsa mix!

David Byrne: (SINGS SALSA STYLE) NO NOS GUSTA FLANDERS / ES UN HOMBRE ESTUPIDO / NO NOS GUSTA FLANDERS

Marge Simpson: Watch it, Mr. Byrne! You'll slip on the Simonize!

David Byrne: Simonize?!

David Byrne: (FALLING NOISE, THEN:) Can you take me to the hospital?

Moe Szyslak: Yeah. No problem.

David Byrne: Wasn't that the hospital?

Moe Szyslak: Uh, ya ever see the movie "Misery?"

David Byrne: Actually, no.

Moe Szyslak: Then this'll all be new to ya.

The Rich Texan: Welcome to the "Lazy I" ranch, where we give you a week of rustic ranch living.

Comic Book Guy: Do you have an internet connection?

The Rich Texan: Internet? (LAUGHING) Son, the only internet connection we got is a dedicated DSL port in the business center. Or you can patch in through the smart-fridge in your cabin.

Comic Book Guy: If said fridge is truly smart, it will be filled with Hot Pockets and baloney by the time I get there. Goodbye.

Lisa Simpson: "On this battleground in 1881, fifty-six Indians lost their lives and four brave Americans lost their hats."

Homer Simpson: (CHOKED UP) Those poor hats.

Lisa Simpson: This whole ranch is appalling. It's built on a legacy of cruelty to animals and oppression of indigenous people.

The Rich Texan: (TIPS HAT) Just our way of making y'all feel welcome!

Lisa Simpson: You're not listening!

The Rich Texan: I never do! Yee-Haw!

Bart Simpson: I'll show you how they get on a horse where I come from.

Bart Simpson: Daddy, I need upsies!

Homer Simpson: Coming, sweetie!

Wrangler #1: He sure shut us up.

Marge Simpson: I really don't want to do a lot of flip-de-loops.

The Rich Texan: No problem. You can hop on the chuck wagon with Cookie here.

Cookie: Pleased to meet ya! Have a tooth.

Bart Simpson: Hey Crabby Hayes, get with the program!

Lisa Simpson: I'm sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting! I'm going to my room!

Voice: Hold it right there!

Luke: Momma Rattlesnake would be mighty sore if you scrambled her young'un.

Luke: (TIPS HAT) Luke Stetson, junior wrangler.

Lisa Simpson: I'm Lisa Simpson and you're the first person I've met here who cares about our animal equals.

Luke: Well, if you like animals, you won't want to disappoint that pony over there. She's just achin' to show you around.

Lisa Simpson: I'm sure she'd be happier without someone sitting on her back all day.

Luke: I'm sorry you're not interested. Because I need somebody to help me hang these "No Hunting" and "Free Tibet" signs.

Marge Simpson: That was a delicious meal, Cookie. What do we do with our garbage?

Cookie: Just leave it for Cleanie.

Cleanie: My preciousss... Gollum....

Chief Wiggum: Would you like to be photographed in my great-grandfather's headdress? He unified the nations of the western plains. Five dollars, or three for twelve.

Homer Simpson: Can you shoot one where I'm Rambo and my wife is Betty Boop?

Chief Wiggum: You mean "Package B."

Dr. Julius Hibbert: And this is supposed to save our marriage?

Bart Simpson: I thought you guys lived off the land. How come you're selling junk to jerks like us?

Native American: We used to live and farm in a bountiful valley. Then the river was dammed to make that lake...by our ancient enemy, the beaver.

Marge Simpson: Why don't you just chase the beavers away?

Native American: Unfortunately, the beaver is also our God. In retrospect it was a poor choice.

Homer Simpson: You people are guests in our country, and the beaver have no right to treat you that way. If I get back your land, will you promise to build a casino on it?

Native American: Sure. And when we do, your breakfast will be comped.

Homer Simpson: How many decks will your blackjack dealers use?

Native American: Eight.

Homer Simpson: Three.

Native American: Four.

Homer Simpson: Deal. My brother...

Lisa Simpson: (AMAZED GASP) Oh Luke.

Marge Simpson: (ALARMED) I didn't gasp like that until I was eighteen!

Homer Simpson: All right, son, we just knock over this dam and the noble Native Americans can reclaim the land that is theirs.

Homer Simpson: No! I wanted to die choking on food!

Bart Simpson: (DETERMINED) I'll save you!

Homer Simpson: (BOUNCING ALONG) So long, suckers!

Homer Simpson: (SCREAMS TWICE, THEN:) Stop shoving! (SWEETLY CONCERNED) The little one isn't getting any. (SCREAM)

Lisa Simpson: Thanks for making me feel better about this place, Luke.

Luke: Lisa, this here is the New West, where we respect our equine and bovine Americans.

Luke: Uh, well maybe we should just mosey on over this way.

Cookie: Free range, my ass! Tonight you're gonna be swimming next to a matzo ball.

Luke: I think maybe we should just look at the clouds. Ain't that pretty.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, it looks like a happy sheep.

Luke: Oh, dammit!

Marge Simpson: (WESTERN ACCENT) Shucks, Lisa. You sure have taken a shine to that cowpoke.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, why are you talking like that?

Marge Simpson: (WESTERN ACCENT) Don't rightly know. I just soaked up the lingo like a biscuit in a bucket full of gopher gravy. (NORMAL VOICE) I'll stop now.

Lisa Simpson: Well, I like it here, too. Luke has shown me the gentle side of the old west. He's really sophisticated for a thirteen-year-old.

Marge Simpson: Thir-what year old?!! Lisa, you're only eight.

Lisa Simpson: But when he's twenty-three, I'll be eighteen.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, you don't know what you'll want in the future. I didn't marry the first boy I... well, I did. But you shouldn't!

Lisa Simpson: Wanna play a little longer? It's only ten and the moon is awful big.

Luke: Well heck, you should see it when it's full.

Marge Simpson: (WORRIED) Oh no! They're making beautiful music together!

Homer Simpson: (STRATEGIC MULLING NOISES) / Let's see move that there... do a flanking maneuver there... Wind should be coming in from the south... Time it to coincide with a beaver holiday...

Homer Simpson: This map is useless! Useless!

Marge Simpson: Homie, I'm worried about how fast our kids are growing up.

Homer Simpson: It's the beef hormones and the fluorescent lights. What are you gonna do?

Marge Simpson: But they're already acting like teenagers. Lisa's with that boy... and look at Maggie!

Lisa Simpson: (NOTICING SIGN) Look, Cookie! There's a dance tonight!

Cookie: A dance! A dance! (HAPPILY CACKLES)

Cookie: Whoo, I'm pooped. I'm goin' to bed. Bed! (CACKLES)

Luke: (INTO PHONE) All righty, I'll see you tonight -- and I'll save you the first dance. Love you too, Clara.

Lisa Simpson: Clara?! He's got a girlfriend! (CHOKING UP) I feel like such an idiot.

Bart Simpson: Hey, bottom bunk's mine.

Cookie: Keep goin'.

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe Luke has another gal. "My name is Clara... I've known Luke for more than five days..."

Girl: (WESTERN ACCENT) Excuse me, is this the way to the Lazy I Ranch?

Lisa Simpson: Yeah, it sure is...

Lisa Simpson: (CHANGING QUICKLY) ...But a quicker way to the ranch is that shortcut.

Clara: Thanks darlin'. See you at the dance.

Lisa Simpson: (FALSE FRIENDLY) I look forward to it. Ha ha ha ha, I hate you.

Homer Simpson: (CALLING) Check it out, beavers. Delicious motel furniture!

Bart Simpson: They took the bait. Let's go.

Homer Simpson: Uh-oh! We forgot to empty the mini-bar!

Homer Simpson: (GASP) That's a seventeen-dollar deck of cards!

Bart Simpson: Let it go, Dad.

Homer Simpson: Quick, find the master log! There's always a master log.

Homer Simpson: We did it! Finally, man has triumphed over a small, furry animal!

Native American Woman: Treaty... Treaty... Treaty... Bill... Treaty... (HOLDS UP MAGAZINE LABELED:) "PEACE PIPE AFICIONADO" magazine...

Chief Wiggum: Thank you. You have restored our village and our way of life.

Brave: We would like to make you honorary members of our tribe.

Chief Wiggum: Drink deep from these cups.

Chief Wiggum: The bear urine will make you strong.

Chief Wiggum: (CHUCKLES) Actually, it's Fresca.

Homer Simpson: (SPITTING OUT DRINK) Fresca?!

Caller: WELLLLL... GRAB YOUR PARTNER AND START SWINGIN' 'EM / DON'T FORGET THE TWO-DRINK MINIMUM / TAKE YOUR CORNER BY THE HAND / GET ADULT VIDEOS ON DEMAND! / FLASH YOUR TEETH LET'S SEE THOSE SMILES / PAY WITH VISA EARN FREE MILES! / YEE HAW!

Luke: Dang it, Clara should be here by now.

Lisa Simpson: I'm sure she's just running late. Or, she's not coming because she doesn't understand how special you are.

Luke: That sure don't sound like my sister.

Lisa Simpson: Sister?! You mean she's not your girlfriend?

Luke: Hell no! They outlawed that in this state two years ago.

Lisa Simpson: (QUICKLY) Need-help-now-come-with-me-done-something-terrible!

Bart Simpson: (JUST AS FAST) Don't-really-care-just-terribly-caught-up-in-moment!

The Rich Texan: I have some sad news for ya'll. After this dance, I'm headin' to jail.

The Rich Texan: One of my stray bullets hit a Texas Ranger. But I'll be back in six months, yee haw!

The Rich Texan: (SADLY) Blanks. They just don't feel the same.

Lisa Simpson: ... So I sent Luke's sister down the wrong trail and... Hey! Where'd all this water come from? There used to be a trail here! And there used to be a beaver dam there.

Bart Simpson: Who are you, the usedta police?

Clara: Help!

Clara: Help me! I can't swim! I'm one lesson short!

Lisa Simpson: How can we get across?!

Bart Simpson: Hey beavers! Remember me, you buck-toothed nerds?

Lisa Simpson: (CALLING TO CLARA) Run across!

Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry. I only sent you the wrong way because I thought you were Luke's girlfriend.

Clara: (SARCASTIC) Well, that certainly justifies attempted murder. You know, there are more important things in this world than boys.

Clara: (VERY ATTRACTED) Hel-lo, handsome!

Bart Simpson: (UNINTERESTED) What's up, Cootie Breath?

Homer Simpson: Look at those stupid city slickers, with their fur coats and pointy hats.

Marge Simpson: Homer, those are elk.

Homer Simpson: I still hate them. (YELLS AT ELK) Go back to Pittsburgh!

Luke: Lisa, Clara told me 'bout how you saved her last night.

Lisa Simpson: (TENTATIVELY) Did Clara... tell you anything else?

Luke: No. Just that she felt mighty stupid for getting herself lost in them woods.

Lisa Simpson: Listen, Luke. It's my fault Clara got lost. I didn't know she was your sister, and I wanted you all to myself.

Luke: You would do that just for me... (ANGRY) That's despicable! You're the kind of city slicker my family left Central Park West to avoid. (SHAKES HEAD) You've got a lot of chutzpah, Missy. Goodbye.

Homer Simpson: A lot can happen when you're lookin' the other way.

Marge Simpson: You're tellin' me.

Lisa Simpson: (SOBS, THEN:) Oh, I had my first crush, and all it did was make me do terrible things and then break my heart.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty. But then one day you find a man you love so much it hurts.

Homer Simpson: (SUSPICIOUS) Who is he?!

Marge Simpson: You, Homie.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! In your face, imaginary guy!

Bart Simpson: Hey, let's see if Dad's song is finally off the air.

Bill: Comin' up next, Springfield's latest one-hit wonder: "The Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne.

Moe Szyslak: (SINGS) MOE MOE MOE / HOW DO YOU LIKE ME? / HOW DO YOU LIKE ME? / MOE MOE MOE / WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME? / NOBODY LIKES ME...

Marge Simpson: Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch.