Krusty the Clown: I hold in my hand the final axe.

Krusty the Clown: Well, kids, that's all the time we have for today.

Krusty the Clown: I'd like to thank Sideshow Mel, Corporal Punishment, Tina Ballerina, oh, and from "Knots Landing" Miss Donna Mills. Oh, she was a sport.

Krusty the Clown: (SINGING) WE'VE HAD LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF FUN/ BUT NOW THE TIME HAS COME... TO GO/ IF THIS OLD CLOWN WAS FOUND DEAD IN HIS BED TOMORROW/ I'D BE IN HEAVEN STILL DOING THIS SHOW.

Krusty the Clown: (SPOKEN) See you some other time!

Miss Lois Pennycandy: (ARDENTLY) Great show, Krusty! I really laughed when you...

Krusty the Clown: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's my nicotine gum?

Krusty the Clown: Ahh... that's the stuff. Damn, I'm exhausted. Those kids were like ice out there.

Miss Lois Pennycandy: You've got a 4:30 Merchandising meeting.

Krusty the Clown: Cancel it.

Miss Lois Pennycandy: Therapist?

Krusty the Clown: Cancel it.

Miss Lois Pennycandy: Personal trainer?

Krusty the Clown: Cancel it.

Miss Lois Pennycandy: The opening line on the Giants is five and a half.

Krusty the Clown: Put a dime on it.

Miss Lois Pennycandy: Thank you dinner with Bart Simpson?

Krusty the Clown: I don't know any Bart Simpson.

Miss Lois Pennycandy: Krusty, he's the boy who saved you from jail.

Chief Wiggum: Well, we... made a terrible, terrible mistake. Uh... won't happen again.

Krusty the Clown: Well, there was one boy who trusted me all along. Bart?

Bart Simpson: Yes, sir?

Krusty the Clown: Thank you.

Krusty the Clown: (REMEMBERING FONDLY) Oh yeah. (THEN) Cancel it.

Marge Simpson: Hello?

Miss Lois Pennycandy: (INTO PHONE) Mrs. Simpson, this is Lois Pennycandy, Krusty the Clown's executive assistant.

Marge Simpson: Oh hello, Mrs. Pennycandy.

Miss Lois Pennycandy: (SIGHS) It's Miss Pennycandy, I can assure you. (GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS) I'm sorry to inform you that Krusty will once again not be joining Bart for dinner.

Marge Simpson: Oh, dear. This is the fifth time he's cancelled. How can he hurt someone who loves him so?

Miss Lois Pennycandy: (GAZING AT PICTURE) Oh, Mrs. Simpson, I've wasted my womanhood asking that same question. (THEN) I apologize for him, something really important came up at the last minute.

Krusty the Clown: Lousy mildew. (BEAT) Eh, that's good enough.

Marge Simpson: Well, thank you for calling. Good-bye.

Bart Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Okay Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you down for?

Milhouse Van Houten: (INTO PHONE) A hundred.

Bart Simpson: (into phone) Consider it done.

Bart Simpson: (SINGING) YOU'RE WALKING ALONG THE STREET/ OR YOU'RE AT A PARTY/ OR ELSE YOU'RE ALONE/ AND THEN YOU SUDDENLY DIG... DIG... DIG.

Bart Simpson: (SINGING) THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING BIG...

Marge Simpson: Sweetie, I'm sorry, but Krusty isn't coming to dinner again.

Bart Simpson: Aw, man.

Bart Simpson: (SADLY) Dear Krusty, this is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302 respectfully returning his Badge...

Bart Simpson: (WITH GROWING ANGER) ...I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure. Get bent, Bart Simpson.

Krusty the Clown: Ooh. Sex chat!

Sexy Female Recording: (OVER THE PHONE) You have reached the party line! In a moment you'll be connected to a hot party with some of the world's most beautiful women. Now, let's join the party!

Krusty the Clown: Hello?

Larry: Hello?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Are, are there any women here?

Krusty the Clown: Hello?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Are you a beautiful woman?

Krusty the Clown: Do I sound like a beautiful woman?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: This is not the sort of party as I had anticipated.

Miss Lois Pennycandy: Read this.

Krusty the Clown: (STRUGGLING) Uh...ehhh... deeee... eeee... deeaar... Dear... Krust..."y"...?

Miss Lois Pennycandy: It says that the little boy who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you. Krusty, you are going to Bart Simpson's house for dinner tonight.

Krusty the Clown: But I have plans.

Krusty the Clown: Hey, not the face.

PENNYCANDY: Why you, maddening, impossible man. If you don't go tonight, I won't be here tomorrow.

Krusty the Clown: Oh, alright. I'll go.

Krusty the Clown: But I sure hate missing Schnapps Night at the Friars Club.

Marge Simpson: Bart, wipe your feet.

Bart Simpson: (BITTERLY) Why bother, they'll just get dirty again.

Marge Simpson: I've got some good news. Krusty the Clown is coming to dinner tonight.

Bart Simpson: He is, for sure?

Marge Simpson: Yes.

Bart Simpson: (ECSTATIC) God bless that clown.

Homer Simpson: You think it's him?

Krusty the Clown: Hi, kids! Hey, hey!

Krusty the Clown: (UNCOMFORTABLE) Heh, heh, cute kid.

Milhouse Van Houten: (artificial) Oh, hi Bart. I was just in the neighborhood. Why Krusty the Clown! What a surprise.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse. You can come in and drop the (Sha-rod) charade.

Bart Simpson: Krusty, you don't have to be "on" tonight.

Homer Simpson: What are you talking about? Of course he does.

Lisa Simpson: No, Dad, Krusty is our guest. (TO KRUSTY) Your pratfalls and Punchinello antics aren't necessary here.

Krusty the Clown: Really?

Bart Simpson: Yeah, just relax and be yourself.

Krusty the Clown: Ohh, that's a relief.

Krusty the Clown: (TO MONKEY) Go wait in the car.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) We could have seen a monkey.

Marge Simpson: Who wants to say grace?

Lisa Simpson: Why don't we let our guest do it?

Milhouse Van Houten: Bless us O lord...

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey!

Bart Simpson: Krusty, would you do the honors?

Krusty the Clown: Well, alright. I'm a little rusty, but um, I'll try. Baruch ata, addonoy, elohanu melech ha-olom, ha-motzee le-chem mean ha-aretz.

Homer Simpson: He's talking funny talk.

Lisa Simpson: No, Dad, that's Hebrew. Krusty must be Jewish.

Homer Simpson: A Jewish entertainer? Get outta here.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, and Mel Brooks.

Homer Simpson: Mel Brooks is Jewish?

Bart Simpson: Krusty, are you alright?

Krusty the Clown: Yes, it's just that saying the brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. (getting emotional) The old days... my... my father... (STARTS TO CRY)

Homer Simpson: Hey Krusty, are you gonna finish that meatloaf or what?

Lisa Simpson: Poor Krusty, he's like a black velvet painting come to life.

Marge Simpson: Krusty, why don't you tell us what's wrong? You'll feel better.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, spill your guts, man.

Lisa Simpson: Come on...

Homer Simpson: Yeah, Krusty, tell us.

Krusty the Clown: Well, okay. First of all, my real name isn't Krusty the Clown, it's Hershel Krustofsky. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father -- well, you get the idea.

Krusty the Clown: My father was the most respected man in the lower east side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice.

Man #1: Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.

Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes, another child would be a blessing on your house.

Man #2: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Could you rephrase that as a, as a ethical question?

Man #2: (Struggling) Hmm... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: (MAKING A PRONOUNCEMENT) Yes, for great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

Young Krusty: Papa, when I grow up, can I be a clown?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: No! A clown is not a respected member of the community.

Young Krusty: But I want to make people laugh.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Hershel, life is not fun. Life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing.

Krusty the Clown: But papa, can't...

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: (INTERRUPTING) But nothing! You'll do as I say or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you.

Krusty the Clown: Dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps, but the pull of clowning was too strong. I got my first big laughs at Yeshiva impersonating my father.

Young Krusty: Blah, blah, blah, blah, Moses! Blah, blah, blah, blah some prayer!

Homer Simpson: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

Bart Simpson: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

Homer Simpson: Why you little...

Lisa Simpson: Krusty, please continue.

Krusty the Clown: Okay.

Krusty the Clown: My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug. But it was no use.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: What are you doing in that bathroom?

Krusty the Clown: Go away.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Open the door this instant.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Oy gevalt!

Krusty the Clown: Close the door!

Krusty the Clown: Then came my big break. A Talmudic conference in the Catskills and I was the entertainment.

Krusty the Clown: But the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Do you know that my son Hershel was first in his Yeshiva class. As a matter of fact, he was voted "The Most Likely to Hear God."

Rabbi #1: Oh go on, Hymie. You're exaggerating again. You're so proud of your son.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: A rabbi would never exaggerate. A rabbi composes; he creates thoughts; he tells stories that may never have happened, but he does not exaggerate.

Krusty the Clown: My father would have never have suspected a thing, were it not for one rowdy rabbi.

Rowdy Rabbi: Hey, Funny-man!

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Hershel? Hershel! Oy vay iz mir!

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: You have brought shame on our family. Oh, if you were a musician or a jazz singer, this I could forgive. But, but-but this? I never want to see you again. You... you... clown!

Krusty the Clown: (PULLING HIMSELF TOGETHER) And I haven't seen my father since.

Lisa Simpson: That is so sad.

Bart Simpson: Krusty, do you think about your father a lot?

Krusty the Clown: All the time. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business.

Krusty the Clown: (LAUGHS) Look at you, Bart.

Krusty the Clown: Oh, isn't that fun?

Krusty the Clown: Hey, whoa.

Krusty the Clown: Oh, the Fourth of July. I can't believe that little boy in the pictures is you, Bart.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, I've got a lot of fond memories.

Marge Simpson: Well, look at the time. Almost midnight.

Krusty the Clown: Do you have any yearbooks?

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED) No, that's it. You've seen everything.

Krusty the Clown: (CHANGING THE SUBJECT) So uh, Milhouse, know any knock-knock jokes?

Milhouse Van Houten: (CRYING) I want to go home.

Marge Simpson: Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home.

Homer Simpson: Gladly.

Krusty the Clown: Wow. The Concert For Bangladesh.

Bart Simpson: Goodnight, Krusty. Sorry about your dad.

Krusty the Clown: Don't worry about me, I'm a survivor.

Krusty the Clown: Hey, did I leave my keys inside?

Bart Simpson: No!

Krusty the Clown: Oh, yeah. Here they are. (LAUGHS)

Announcer: Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to "Hercules vs. The Martians."

Martian: Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Hello? (BEAT) Hello? Anybody there?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: What's this? I hear a phone ring and all of a sudden there's nothing. I'm listening and there's no talking. Hello. Mister, who are you? Why would they call ya if they don't want to talk to ya.

Krusty the Clown: (EMOTIONAL) Didn't Itchy Jr. look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy Jr. look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by a thresher? Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon? (SOBBING) For the love of God, cut to a commercial.

Bart Simpson: Poor Krusty.

Lisa Simpson: A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.

Bart Simpson: We've got to do something.

Lisa Simpson: (SERIOUS) Let's move.

Bart Simpson: Reverend Lovejoy, we need you to help us find a rabbi.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (TAKEN ABACK) Well, um... before you make any rash decisions, let me just remind you that the church is changing to meet the needs of today's young Christians.

Lisa Simpson: No, no. We're not converting, we just want to find a Rabbi Krustofsky.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Rabbi Krustofsky? Why, I do a radio call-in show with him every Sunday night.

Bart Simpson: Really?

Lisa Simpson: I didn't know that.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Gee, I mention it in my sermon every week.

Bart Simpson: Oh, oh, that radio show.

Lisa Simpson: (COVERING) Oh yeah, it's all the kids talk about on Monday at school.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Oh, well. Why have a free T-shirt. You'll be the "coolest" kids on the playground.

Bart Simpson: We'll put them on later. Now can you give us the rabbi's address?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Oh sure thing. Let me just check my "Non-Christian" rolodex.

Lisa Simpson: I bet the rabbi misses Krusty.

Bart Simpson: He'll be so happy, he'll be crying in his beard.

Lisa Simpson: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofsky?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Oh, what can I do for you, my young friends?

Bart Simpson: We came to talk to you about your son.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: (GRAVELY) I have no son!

Bart Simpson: Oh great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: I didn't mean that literally.

Singers: (SINGING) K-B-B-L. Talk radio.

D.J.: And in order to keep our broadcasting license, we devote Sunday night dead time to public service shows of limited appeal.

D.J.: In that spirit, we bring you "Gabbin' about God," sponsored by Ace Religion Supply where they say: "If we don't got it, it ain't holy."

D.J.: With us tonight, once again, our very own three wise men: Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, Monsignor Kenneth Daley, and Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky.

D.J.: Okay, and our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.

Caller: Yes, hi, with all the suffering and injustice in the world, do you ever wonder if God really exists?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: No.

MONSIGNOR DALEY: (IRISH BROGUE) Not for a second.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Not at all.

D.J.: Great. Good conversation there. Our next call now is for the good Rabbi.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Hello? Anybody there? I hear breathing but I don't hear talking. What's going on here? Hello, mister. Hello... hello.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up. There's all kinds of meshugoyim in the world.

D.J.: Okay, let's clear the board. Our next caller is a young boy from right here in Springfield.

Bart Simpson: (OVER THE PHONE) Hello, my name's Dimitri. I'm a first time caller, long time listener.

Bart Simpson: My question is, "If a son defies his father, and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the father forgive the son?"

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: I think so.

MONSIGNOR DALEY: Yes, of course.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: (GOING CRAZY) No way. Absolutely not. Never! Never! Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge. They leave a building without people watching it and anybody who wants can call any stupid person they please...

Bart Simpson: (DETERMINED) Don't worry, Lis. I've got a plan that can't fail.

Bart Simpson: Yiddle my man, you're a genius.

Yiddle: (MODESTLY) I love my work.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know.

Rabbi #2: But what if your example encourages others to give?

Bart Simpson: Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofsky, don't you think it's time you forgave your son?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart? He turned his back on our traditions and our faith, and on me. Get out of here you little pisher!

Bart Simpson: Oy, this guy's tough.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, we're gonna have to out smart him.

Bart Simpson: I don't know, he's pretty sharp. He saw right through this disguise.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: What? Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning Jewish novelist. He wants to have lunch with me? Ah ah, It's a date! Izzy's Deli, one o'clock, I'll be there.

Krusty the Clown: The French government wants to give me The Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious award? Izzy's Deli, one o'clock. Thank you, Monsieur President.

Bart Simpson: (ON PHONE) Au revoir.

Waitress: Are you kids ready to order yet?

Bart Simpson: Sorry, no. Just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles.

Waitress: (SARCASTICALLY) Watch how fast I go.

Waitress: And for you sir?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: (READING MENU) Oh, let's see. I want a nice sandwich, but the Joey Bishop, ugh, too fatty... the Jackie Mason, I don't know, sauerkraut makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis, I don't even like his work... What is this?... Krusty the Clown!?

Waitress: That's ham, sausage and bacon with a smidge of mayo...

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: (SHOCKED) What?

Waitress: ... on white bread.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Listen, you tell Mr. Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning Jewish novelist, that I lost my appetite.

Krusty the Clown: (TO WAITRESS) Uh, could you direct me to President Francois Mitterrand's table?

Waitress: (SARCASTIC) You think you're funny?

Krusty the Clown: Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, we've been going about this all wrong. What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else?

Bart Simpson: Those stupid hats?

Lisa Simpson: No Bart. Knowledge.

Lisa Simpson: We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.

Bart Simpson: Ahhh, Noah, Noah, save us, save us... No!!

Lisa Simpson: This looks good Bart. Take it to him.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: You I told to go away.

Bart Simpson: But... but... but, but Rabbi, does it not say in the Babylonian Talmud... And I quote, "A child should be pushed aside with the left hand, and drawn closer with the right."

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes.

Bart Simpson: Then doesn't your religion command you to make up with Krusty?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: But in Exodus, the fifth commandment says, "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." End of story.

Bart Simpson: Oh, it's hopeless.

Lisa Simpson: Not quite. I got some dynamite stuff from Rabbi Simon ben Eleazar.

Bart Simpson: "At all times let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar."

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: But, my short learned friend, the Book of Joshua says, "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

Bart Simpson: Is it not written in the Talmud, "Who will bring redemption? The jesters."

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Sorry my friend, I'm still not convinced. And this is hardly the time or place to discuss it.

Lisa Simpson: Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but, that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.

Lisa Simpson: (UPSET) Bart! I am not gonna learn ancient Hebrew.

Bart Simpson: (HOARSE) Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote, "The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous! But the great thing is after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it." End quote.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Ohh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that, Rabbi Hillel?

Bart Simpson: Nope.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: It was Judah the Pious?

Bart Simpson: Nope.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Mamonides?

Bart Simpson: Nope.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Oh, I got it -- the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Bart Simpson: I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from "Yes, I Can" by Sammy Davis Jr. An entertainer like your son.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: (GASPS) The candy man?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: If a performer can think that way, maybe I'm completely upside-down on this whole problem. (BECOMING EMOTIONAL) All the years of joy that I've lost. Why? Because of my stubborn ways.

Lisa Simpson: There, there, Rabbi. It's not too late.

Krusty the Clown: (WITH LITTLE ENTHUSIASM) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, kids... Today's show is gonna be the funniest, sidesplitin'est, cavalcade of... ah the hell with it. Roll the cartoon.

Krusty the Clown: Oh, yeah. (PATTING CIGARETTE PACKET IN POCKET) My old friends, right next to my heart.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Oy, such a filthy habit.

Krusty the Clown: (TURNING) Who asked you? (SHOCKED) Father?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Son!

Krusty the Clown: Papa!

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Hershel.

Krusty the Clown: Daddy.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Boychik!

Krusty the Clown: Oh, Daddy...

Stagehand: You're on, Krusty.

Krusty the Clown: (TO THE CROWD) Boys and girls, I'd like to be serious for a moment if I may. Spotlight, please.

Krusty the Clown: I just wanted... I just wanted... Come on guys. I'm not doing the spotlight bit.

Krusty the Clown: (SINCERE) Let's have a warm Krusty welcome for my estranged father, Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky.

Krusty the Clown: Lenny, a little reconciliation music if you please... (SINGING) Oh mein papa / to me he was so wonderful / Oh mein papa/ (SPOKEN) Come on, Dad / to me he was so good/ (spoken) You know the words.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: No one could be / so gentle and so LOVEABLE / Oh mein papa / he always understood.

Moe Szyslak: (CHOKED-UP) I got somethin' in my eye.

Barney Gumble: Here, take my hanky.

Moe Szyslak: Eeww!

Krusty the Clown: We haven't seen each other in twenty-five years.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: (TO KRUSTY) Oh, I love you, son.

Krusty the Clown: I love you too, Daddy.