Homer Simpson: No! No! No! Bad dog! Let go! Bad Santa's Little Helper! Stop it! No, not the sports section! No!

Homer Simpson: Stupid dog.

Homer Simpson: No! Stay away! This is not for you! This is Homer food.

Marge Simpson: Time to get up, Lisa. (HAPPILY) It's a school day!

Marge Simpson: Hmmm, Lisa, you don't look well.

Lisa Simpson: I'll make it, Mom. Just tape my lunch box to my hand.

Marge Simpson: Ohhh.. my, you're burning up, and your cheeks are so swollen. (GASPS) I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Doctor Hibbert.

Homer Simpson: (SING-SONG) Marge, the dog is hungry!

Marge Simpson: (SING-SONG) Well, then, feed him!

Homer Simpson: (SARCASTIC) Yes, Master.

Krusty the Clown: You're my best friend. (LAUGHS) You're my best friend. (LAUGHS) You're my best friend... (LAUGHS)

Marge Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Hello, Doctor Hibbert? This is Marge Simpson.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (INTO PHONE) Uh, not that I'm angry, but how did you get my home number? (CHUCKLES) I see, quite ingenious.

Marge Simpson: Doctor, I think Lisa has the mumps.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (CHUCKLES) Well, Mrs. Simpson, much as I'd like to rely on your diagnosis, I think it might be professionally derelict of me to do so. Let me check my schedule.

Marge Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Mm hm. Two o'clock is fine. Thank you, Dr. Hibbert.

Bart Simpson: No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Lisa Simpson: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.

Bart Simpson: Fine. Then... (TOTAL CONFUSION)

Bart Simpson: (TO HIMSELF) Wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...

Marge Simpson: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that. Have a nice day at school, Bart.

Lisa Simpson: Get my homework from Mrs. Hoover.

Bart Simpson: Homework? Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps.

Otto Mann: Hey, Bart-dude.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Otto-man.

Otto Mann: (TO DOG) Yo, hairy bro.

Bart Simpson: Go home, boy! Go... home!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation!

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Y'ello.

Sylvia Winfield: (INTO PHONE) Simpson? This is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now!

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Oh, are you? Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old battle-ax, because my dog is tied up in the backyard.

Sylvia Winfield: (INTO PHONE) There's only one family on this block... no, on earth... inconsiderate enough to let a monster like that roam free.

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I am going to hang up on you. (AS IF TO A VERY DIM-WITTED CHILD) It is not my dog. I tied my dog outside myself. I am looking at him right -- (ANNOYED GRUNT)

Ned Flanders: Well, howdaly-do, Simpson? Gettin' a little exercise, eh? Good for you, pal. (TO DOG) Oh, look at this old rascal! He's a wet old baby boy, isn't he? Isn't he? (BABY TALK) You're just a water monster.

Homer Simpson: Well, well. Mr. Universe takes a walk. Haw, haw!

Ned Flanders: (CHUCKLES) Mr. Universe, I wish!

Homer Simpson: Look at that get-up. Heavy hands, ankle weights, that's cute, and (GASPS)... Assassins!

Ned Flanders: Oh, you betcha! You know, they got velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue, built-in pedometer, reflective sidewalls and little vanity license plates.

Homer Simpson: Oooh! Oooh! How much? How much? How much?

Ned Flanders: Well, you know they're not givin' 'em away. But sometimes you've just got to spoil yourself.

Homer Simpson: (SADLY) Yeah.

Ned Flanders: Whoops, my heart rate's dropping. Better skedaddley-do.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Hmmm, huh. discoloration of the saliva glands,

Marge Simpson: Oh dear.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: ...swelling of the peritage.

Marge Simpson: I knew it.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Yeah, it looks like little Lisa has the mumps. (TO LISA) I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, no. I don't want to fall behind my class.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl! What's your favorite subject?

Lisa Simpson: Arithmetic.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (CHUCKLES) Arithmetic! Now before you know it, you will be back among your polygons, your hypotenuse, and your Euclidean algorithms. (PATS HER HEAD) Now, you get rest now and have yourself a wowwipop.

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Y'ello, Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? (LISTENING) The mumps? Oooh, the kissing disease! (CHUCKLING) My little girl is growing up.

Lisa Simpson: (INTO PHONE, GIGGLING) Yuck. Quit it, Dad. (COUGHS)

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES ON PHONE) So what does my little girl want? What? Let me write this down. (WRITING) Copies of "Teen Dream... Teen Scream... and Teen Steam Magazine." Well, okay. You're the sickie. Goodbye, Lisa.

Homer Simpson: Hey Lenny, I need to leave early. Cover for me, will ya?

Lenny Leonard: Hey, sure thing, Homer.

Lenny Leonard: (SIGHS) Ohh.

Marge Simpson: Well, Lisa, here it is; the Bouvier family quilt.

Lisa Simpson: Wow. Neat. It smells historic.

Marge Simpson: For five generations, women in our family have each added a square to it. Now it's your turn.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, but I don't know how to sew.

Marge Simpson: Oh yes, you do. You just don't know it. The memory of a million drop-stitches flows in your veins.

Lisa Simpson: Very impressive!

Marge Simpson: You try it.

Lisa Simpson: Ow!

Marge Simpson: You just need to develop a callous. See? (HUMMING)

Marge Simpson: You see. Now that's a sewing finger, honey.

Lisa Simpson: Ew.

Homer Simpson: Oh man, two dollars. Uh, I'll take these three... (OFF HIS LOOK) They're for my daughter.

Counter Man: Sure they are.

Homer Simpson: (GASPS) Assassins!

Homer Simpson: (GASPS) Oh, a hundred and twenty-five bucks!

Flanders's Thoughts: Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself... spoil yourself... spoil yourself.

Homer Simpson: But I can't afford to...

Flanders's Thoughts: (THUNDEROUSLY) Simpson, I order you to buy those shoes!

Homer Simpson: Okay, Flanders, you're the boss. Heh, heh, heh.

Marge Simpson: This one's mine.

Lisa Simpson: "Keep on truckin'"? What does that mean?

Marge Simpson: I didn't know then, and I don't know now.

Bart Simpson: Here's your stupid homework.

Lisa Simpson: (LOOKING AT PAPERS) Ooh... phonics, functions, vocabulary, (PUZZLED) remedial reading? (FIGURING IT OUT) Oh, do your own homework, Bart!

Homer Simpson: Here's your magazines. How many of these guys are named Corey?

Lisa Simpson: Eight. Thanks, Dad.

Bart Simpson: (AWED) Whoa! Assassins!

Homer Simpson: Yep! Hee, hee. Read 'em and weep.

Marge Simpson: (LOOKING AT SHOES) Those are very elaborate sneakers.

Bart Simpson: (AWED) They better be for a hundred and twenty-five big ones!

Marge Simpson: (GASPS) A hundred and twenty-five dollars!!

Homer Simpson: Bart!

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Marge Simpson: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.

Homer Simpson: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms and we haven't had a single fire.

Kent Brockman: The manhunt... or should I say a woman hunt is on...

Krusty the Clown: You know, Joe. Yours is the only show I'll do...

Troy McClure: As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest.

Homer Simpson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Marge Simpson: Well, Homer. There seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.

Bart Simpson: (SCORNFUL) Oh school! Right. (UNDER BREATH) Yeah, that's your answer for everything!

Marge Simpson: Oooh, this one looks very reputable.

Emily: What lovely handwriting! Have a toffee... Such a neat job. Have at them... Well done!

Emily: Now, if I could borrow... (SQUINTING AT FORM) Satan's Little Helper...

Bart Simpson: Santa's Little Helper.

Emily: (TO CLASS) Ladies and gentlemen...

Emily: Most of you already know that, with a little (SACCHARINE) love and compassion, any puppy will grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. Stuff and nonsense, taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits. Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life: choke chain.

Emily: You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands... Lay down!

Emily: ...followed by immediate correction...

Martin Prince: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?

Emily: The dog's eyes will cross and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.

Bart Simpson: Is my dog dead, ma'am?

Emily: (LAUGHING) You don't know how often I'm asked that. "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing.

Kelly: (ON T.V.) Jack, I think the baby might be yours.

Jack: (ON T.V., SMUGLY) Oh, I'm sure it is, doll-face. But I'd like to see you prove it.

Kelly: (ON T.V.) You're treating me like garbage.

Jack: (ON T.V.) (LAUGHING) That's because that's the way you love it, baby.

Lisa Simpson: Gee, is it always this good?

Marge Simpson: (MURMURS) Oh, I don't know, I just dip in and out... I'm only watching today because Brandy is coming out of her coma and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse...

Marge Simpson: Ohh, that dog!

Lisa Simpson: Bad dog! (SOOTHINGLY) Don't worry Snowball. You're safe with me.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, what will we do if Santa's Little Helper doesn't learn anything in obedience school?

Marge Simpson: I don't know.

Kelly: Father McGrath! I thought you were dead.

Father McGrath: I was!

Emily: There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself. One is like a faithful friend and partner for life. The other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson?

Bart Simpson: Like a hose, (UNDER HIS BREATH) your wrinkled highness.

Homer Simpson: I've changed my mind. I decided I don't want these shoes.

Salesboy: Hey, wait a minute. What happened here?

Homer Simpson: Well, my faithful dog was bringing me my shoes and they fell apart in his mouth.

Salesboy: (DISBELIEVING SNICKER) I'm sorry, sir. Our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.

Homer Simpson: (GASP) Big cookie.

Hula Woman: Aloha.

Homer Simpson: Well, aloha!

Hula Woman: Would you like a free sample?

Homer Simpson: The price is right.

Homer Simpson: Mmmm. Macamadamia nuts.

Hula Woman: If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each.

Homer Simpson: Oh, so that's your little plan! Get us addicted, then jack up the price! (BEAT) Well, you win.

Homer Simpson: (READING) "Property of Hom-er J. Simp-son. Hands off."

Lisa Simpson: Look, Mom, I finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life.

Lisa Simpson: (COUGHS) On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school. He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul. And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy. He taught me that music is like a fire in your belly that comes out of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.

Marge Simpson: Hm.

Lisa Simpson: And look!

Marge Simpson: (PROUDLY) Come on, Homer. I want you to see what your sick little girl did.

Marge Simpson: MY QUILT! Six generations, gone. (CRIES)

Homer Simpson: (CALMLY) Now Marge, honey, honey, honey. Come on. Come on, don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to...

Homer Simpson: (SCREAMS) No, MY COOKIE!

Homer Simpson: This is not happening! This is not happening!

Homer Simpson: Everybody in the kitchen! We're having a family meeting!

Bart Simpson: We never had a family meeting before.

Homer Simpson: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.

Marge Simpson: Homer, what are you saying?

Homer Simpson: I'm saying...

Bart Simpson: No way! You can't give my dog away! I'll set fire to my hair! I'll rip up all my clothes! I'll put sugar in the gas tank!

Homer Simpson: Bart!

Lisa Simpson: I've suffered as much as anyone at the paws of this dog. But when I look into his vacant brown eyes, I just can't bear to let him go. I'm sure Mom agrees with me.

Marge Simpson: No, I'm afraid I agree with your father.

Homer Simpson: You do? (TAUNTING) Ha ha, ha ha ha!

Marge Simpson: Homer, please. It's not just the quilt. He's a nice dog, but he chews up everything. He doesn't obey. He's not even housebroken. And we've spent all this money on an obedience school and I don't see any improvement.

Bart Simpson: All right, all right. If Santa's Little Helper studies real hard and passes his finals and becomes a perfect dog, can we keep him then?

Homer Simpson: No.

Bart Simpson: Dad!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, this is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love is to throw it away?

Homer Simpson: (SOBBING) Oh Lisa, if they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey.

Marge Simpson: Oh, all right. If he passes obedience school, we can keep him.

Lisa Simpson: Yea!

Bart Simpson: All right!

Bart Simpson: See boy, it's not so hard. Here, roll over... roll over... like this.

Emily: Congratulations, sonny. You've earned a toffee.

Bart Simpson: Oh, thank you, (UNDER HIS BREATH) you moldy old maid.

Marge Simpson: Homer, can't we place this ad after the dog fails his test?

Homer Simpson: No, we have to commit ourselves. Now take this down. "Free to loving home. World's most brilliant dog. Says 'I love you' on command."

Homer Simpson: Type! Type!

Bart Simpson: Now, sit! I said sit!

Bart Simpson: (COVERING) Uh... Take a walk!

Bart Simpson: Sniff that other dog's butt! (TO EMILY) See, he does exactly what I tell him.

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Oh no, we'd never give him away, but, we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. (PAUSE) Hear what? Oh, sure. C'mere, boy! Put that prowler down. Come here! Come on boy! (PANTS INTO PHONE) Say it, boy! Say "I love you" for the nice man! (TRYING TO SOUND LIKE A GROANING DOG) I lub you. (IN HIS OWN VOICE) Good dog! Good doggie! Isn't that amazing? See you soon. (HANGS UP) Woooo! Wooo!

Emily: A lot of you think your dogs have mastered the "stay" command. Let's see if they can "stay" away from this Beef Wellington.

Emily: Now... stayyy!

Bart Simpson: Stay boy! Stay! Stay! Stayyy!!

Farmer: Oh, he'd be very happy at my farm. You know, people think only mules can pull carts. Impatient people think that, but patient people know better.

Homer Simpson: Uh, you can pick him up tomorrow.

Bart Simpson: Miss Winthrop, I was thinking...

Emily: Tch, tch. Oh, dear.

Bart Simpson: ...since you get paid either way, would it be a big deal to just let my dog pass?

Emily: I see. Rubber stamp, thank you very much, next in line! Is that it?

Bart Simpson: (BRIGHTENING) Yeah!

Emily: (STARING INTO SPACE) Heavens to Mergatroid! Bart, perhaps I cling to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered, one by one. (RESOLUTE AGAIN) But my time has not passed yet! The world does not need another college graduate who doesn't know how to sit!

Bart Simpson: He'll sit, he'll sit. (TO DOG) Come on, boy. Sit! Sit!

Emily: Pull the chain!

Bart Simpson: Huh?

Emily: Correct the dog!

Bart Simpson: I don't want to strangle my dog.

Emily: PULL THE BLOODY CHAIN, BOY!

Bart Simpson: I'm sorry, boy. You can't help being dumb.

Marge Simpson: Hmmm, what are you doing, dear?

Lisa Simpson: Sewing a new quilt. You know, it's one thing to be a link in a chain. It's another to start one of your own.

Marge Simpson: Aww.

Lisa Simpson: This patch commemorates the destruction of the old quilt.

Marge Simpson: Well, you certainly captured the moment. Hmmm (KISS).

Bart Simpson: (TO DOG) Come on, boy, sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Oh, man!

Lisa Simpson: Bart, he's not gonna learn it now. Don't spend your last hours together tormenting the poor creature. Have some fun, frolic with him. (PICKS UP BALL) Go get it, boy!

Bart Simpson: I'm gonna miss you, boy.

Bart Simpson: (SNIFFLING) I thought we were gonna be pals forever. But, we're gonna have to say goodbye, because you don't understand a single word I say. If you just knew how important it was to learn (BABBLE) sit...

Bart Simpson: Wait a minute! You did it!

Bart Simpson: (BABBLING, THEN) ... lay down...

Bart Simpson: (QUESTIONING) ... shake hands?... stay!

Bart Simpson: (EXCITEDLY) ... speak!

Bart Simpson: All right! Good boy! Roll over!

Emily: You son-of-a-bitch. Good show!