Teenager: Hey, what gives?

Dad: You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc, Jimmy. Well, now your car has no battery.

Teenager: But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by six. I'd better give her a call.

Dad: (LAUGHS) Sorry Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones.

Teenager: Dear God, what have I done?

Dad: Think again, Jimmy. You see, the firing pin in your gun was made of -- yup, zinc.

Teenager: (BREAKING DOWN) Come back zinc! Come back...

Teenager: (MUTTERING) Come back... zinc. Come back... zinc. Zinc! Zinc! What? (RELIEVED) Oh, it was all a dream. Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones... car batteries... hand guns...

Teenager: And many things made of zinc.

Bart Simpson: Gross, he's picking his nose!

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay...

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: We can talk about anything... (SHUTS OFF PROJECTOR; DEJECTED) I'll do your homework for ya...

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Ah, "Chef Lonely Hearts' Soup For One."

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: One scratch and win, Apu.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Mrs. Krabappel, I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices. Still teaching?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Let's see.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: One more day at least.

Service Manager: (WISEGUY VOICE) Bingo! Bango! Sugar in the gas tank. Your ex-husband strikes again.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Hmp. Hmp. (READING) "A personal Ad?" Why not? It might be fun, kind of a lark.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (IMPATIENT) C'mon, c'mon. Answer the phone. (SUDDENLY URGENT) I need a man!

Todd Flanders: Ow! My eyeball!

Seymour Skinner: (CLEARS THROAT) People... people... Allllll right. You know I can wait just as long as you. (CROSSES HIS ARMS AND WAITS, THEN) Knock it off!

Seymour Skinner: Now, boys and girls, let's welcome our special guest, Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King yo-yo company.

Ted: Kids, this is a yo-yo. Kinda dull, huh? Not much competition for a video game. (DRAMATIC) Or is it?

Ted: Presenting, the Twirl King Champions!

Ted: Mister Amazing!

Ted: Sparkle!

Lisa Simpson: (TO JANEY) She's beautiful!

Ted: Zero Gravity!

Ted: The Cobra!

Bart Simpson: Those guys must be millionaires!

Nelson Muntz: I bet they get all kinds of girls!

Miss Hoover: I question the educational value of this assembly.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Hey, it'll be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumpin' gas for a living.

Sound-alikes: THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS! AGE OF AQUARIUS! AQUARIUS! AQUARIUS!

Mister Amazing: Now, for our next stunt, what do you say we get your Principal up here!

Seymour Skinner: No. (WORRIED) Mmm... careful now...ooh... gee that one grazed my ear...

Mister Amazing: (ASIDE TO SKINNER) Don't move. You could really get hurt.

Seymour Skinner: Oh.

Bart Simpson: How much do those yo-yos cost?

Milhouse Van Houten: I don't care!

Kids: Good-bye! Bye! Bye!

Lisa Simpson: (IN AWE) Wow, thanks Sparkle. (LOOKING AT PHOTO) Wait, this isn't you.

Sparkle: That's the old Sparkle.

Ted: All right! Get your worthless butts in the van! We've got three more schools to do. Come on lets go go go.

Chuck: (LISPING) That's your trick?

Nelson Muntz: No. Here's my trick!

Bart Simpson: (BOWING) Thank you. Thank you.

Homer Simpson: Marge. Come here.

Homer Simpson: (TO MARGE) Can you believe it? Pretty soon I'll be able to quit my job and live off the boy.

Marge Simpson: What? Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks.

Homer's Brain: (THINKS) Donald Trump? No. Arnold Palmer? No. Bill Cosby? No.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water... Yes Nelson?

Nelson Muntz: Did they have any yo-yos?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (HEARD THIS BEFORE) No, they did not have yo-yos. When they landed at Plymouth rock they were greeted by the friendly Wampanoag Indians....

Milhouse Van Houten: (RAISING HAND) Did the Indians have yo-yos?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (SHARPLY) No, they did not have yo-yos. That's it. I am sick and tired of talking about yo-yos. From now on I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yos or yo-yo related topics. Am I making myself clear?

Bart Simpson: Yo. (CHUCKLES)

Milhouse Van Houten: (LOUD WHISPER) Hey Bart, got any new tricks for us today?

Bart Simpson: Just one. A little something I call Plucking the Pickle.

Bart Simpson: I build up a little steam, and...

Bart Simpson: I didn't do it.

Groundskeeper Willie: Don't worry about your wee fish, Lass. They're going to a better place.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Bart, that's one month's detention.

Bart Simpson: Mrs. Krabappel, we're all upset by the untimely deaths of Stinky and Wrinkles. But life goes on. So, if I could just have my yo-yo back...

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Bart, if I were you, and you were me, would you give back the yo-yo?

Bart Simpson: Here you go... Just kidding. Here you go... Just kidding. (CHUCKLES)

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Well, would you?

Bart Simpson: Absolutely.

Jasper Beardly: What's eatin' you, woman? Your personal ad said you wanted a man. Well, you got yourself a humdinger.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: I don't know. I guess I expected something different from your photo.

Jasper Beardly: Don't let my age fool you. Just cause there's a little snow on the roof... I forget how the rest of that goes.

Bart Simpson: (UNDER BREATH) One months detention... She'll pay for this. (THEN) Yup, there's your problem... someone jammed a Malibu Stacy head down here.

Miss Hoover: Edna, happy hour in the Teacher's Lounge.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Just a sec.

Bart Simpson: (READING) Huh. One plus one equals two? Recently divorced fourth-grade teacher wishes to meet man age 18-60. Object: save me. Write Edna K, Box 402.

Bart Simpson: (SLY) Hmmm.

Bart Simpson: Dear Edna, I've never answered a personal ad before, but I found yours irresistible. My name is...

Romantic Lover Voice: ...Woodrow. I like holding hands and dinner by candle light. And oh, yes, I really hate yo-yos.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (SIGHS) Oh, Woodrow.

Marge Simpson: Maybe we should let the dog in?

Homer Simpson: Marge, dogs love the outdoors.

Marge Simpson: I think he needs a dog house.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, but what're ya gonna do?

Marge Simpson: I'll bet we could buy a nice doghouse for fifty dollars.

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS, THEN) Marge, you're a tool of the dog house makers.

Marge Simpson: I am not!

Homer Simpson: Yes you are. You've been brainwashed by all those dog house commercials on TV. (BEAT) I know, I'll build him a dog house.

Marge Simpson: (WORRIED MURMUR) Oh, I don't know...

Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I just drew up a little blueprint. Now let me walk you through it.

Homer Simpson: This is the door. He goes through that. This is the roof. And this happy character here is the sun. He shines down on the house, see.

Marge Simpson: How was detention today, dear?

Bart Simpson: Oh, not bad. I'm starting to get the hang of the floor waxer.

Bart Simpson: Yes!

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: "Dear Woodrow, I must admit I'm intrigued. You're not like the other men I've met."

Bart Simpson: Yeah. I'm the 28th President of the United States.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: "But I've had some bad experiences with these ads. So, I'd like to learn more about you. Please write back soon. (SULTRY) Here's a photo that'll get your pencil moving." (GIGGLES)

Bart Simpson: (TO PHOTO) You've got a date with a xerox machine.

Homer Simpson: Stupid lumber...

Homer Simpson: Dammit! Son of a -- (MUFFLED CURSES)

Homer Simpson: The hell with this!

Ned Flanders: Fella came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar. Well sir, I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to track him down.

Maude Flanders: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd Flanders: (CHEERFULLY) Hell no!

Maude Flanders: What did you say?

Todd Flanders: (CHEERFULLY) I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned Flanders: All right, that's it, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight.

Maude Flanders: Weren't you a little hard on him?

Ned Flanders: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Helen Lovejoy: Ned Flanders is on the phone.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (MOANS) If this is about that stupid quarter again -- (TAKES RECEIVER) Hello, Ned.

Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. Our son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his "damn vegetables."

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?

Ned Flanders: No Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Oh, oh right, yeah. (SIGHS) Kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... uh, direct them to the Bible.

Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Uh... page nine-hundred.

Ned Flanders: But Reverend...

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Damn Flanders.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis, a moment of your time.

Lisa Simpson: Yeah?

Bart Simpson: Suppose I was writing a second letter to a girl and I already used up my A material. What should I say?

Lisa Simpson: Mmm! (TEASING) Could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about?

Bart Simpson: Oh, please.

Lisa Simpson: (COY) Is it Terri?

Bart Simpson: No.

Lisa Simpson: Is it Sherri?

Bart Simpson: (DISGUSTED) No!

Lisa Simpson: Is it that girl with the lazy eye patch?

Bart Simpson: No!

Lisa Simpson: Is it that exchange student Mx!pa?

Bart Simpson: No! It's not for me. (LYING) It's homework.

Lisa Simpson: Sure it is. Hey Bart, let's do some homework. (KISSING NOISES)

Southern Private: Golly, Sergeant Carter, I can't fix your jeep. But maybe this will make it up to you. (MELODIOUS SINGING VOICE) Galveston, oh Galveston...

Ned Flanders: (TO MAUDE) Is this all he watches?

Maude Flanders: Oh, he used to watch "Davy and Goliath," but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

Bart Simpson: Hey Mom, did you save the love letters Dad sent you?

Marge Simpson: Of course I saved them.

Marge Simpson: Although actually there's only one. And it's more of a love postcard, from some brewery he visited.

Homer Simpson: (TIPSY) "Maybe it's the beer talking, Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got those big chewy pretzels here... (UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING)... five dollars? Get outta here."

Bart Simpson: (GENUINELY MOVED) Wow, a side of dad I've never seen.

Bart Simpson: Penny for your thoughts, Mrs. K.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: I was just thinking... oh, you wouldn't be interested.

Bart Simpson: Try me. Sometimes it helps to talk.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Well, I was just wishing I could meet a man who... likes the way I look first thing in the morning... laughs at my jokes...

Bart Simpson: Uh-huh.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: ...can fix my car...

Bart Simpson: Oh yeah.

Bart Simpson: "Dear Edna: Your photo took my breath away."

Romantic Lover Voice: "Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit. Yesterday morning, I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs..."

Rod Flanders: At last we've built the mission.

Todd Flanders: Finally, the villagers have a place to pray.

Rod Flanders: (SINGING) "Bringing in the Sheaves."

Todd Flanders: (SINGING) "Bringing in the Sheaves."

Todd Flanders: (SINGING) "We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the Sheaves."

Ned Flanders: (CROSSING OFF LIST) He's not getting it from his brother, that's for darn sure.

Homer Simpson: Damn, crappy nails! Super glue my butt!

Ned Flanders: Homer?

Homer Simpson: (ROLLING EYES) What is it, Flanders?

Ned Flanders: I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you.

Homer Simpson: Look, if this is about your camcorder -- I lost it, okay?

Ned Flanders: No, I-I came to talk to you about your potty-mouth.

Homer Simpson: What the hell are you talking about?

Ned Flanders: Look Homer, all of us pull a few boners now and then... go off half-cocked and make asses of ourselves. So, I don't want to be hard on you... but I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys.

Homer Simpson: Oh come on now, Flanders, I don't complain about your (SEARCHING) your... moustache.

Ned Flanders: What's wrong with my moustache?

Homer Simpson: Makes you look like you've got something to hide.

Ned Flanders: What?

Homer Simpson: People are talking... lots of people.

Ned Flanders: Okay, mister, you've got yourself a deal. I'll shave off the soup strainer, if you give the sailor talk the old heave-ho, okay?

Homer Simpson: Aye-aye! (FLANDERS EXITS) Admiral Butthead.

Announcer: We now return to "Two for Tunsia" on Colorization Theater.

"Charles Boyer": Ah, my love... A million poets could try for a million years and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty.

Bart Simpson: (WRITING IN PAD) Ohhh, slow down, Frenchy! This stuff is gold.

Miss Hoover: Wow, "a million poets working for a million years"... You're so lucky. When are you gonna meet him?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: First, I asked him to send a photo.

Miss Hoover: Uh... huh.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: If he's got everything where it should be, I'm reelin' him in.

Bart Simpson: Strap on your skates Gordie, you're going in.

Homer Simpson: Hey Marge, do you want to hear something funny? (GETS INTO BED) Flanders thinks I swear too much. (CHUCKLES, BEAT) Marge, you're not laughing.

Marge Simpson: Well, you know, maybe he's right.

Homer Simpson: Well what a surprise. Marge sticks up for Flanders! Can we have one conversation where you don't bring up your hero, Ned Flanders?

Marge Simpson: Actually, Homer, you brought up Ned Flanders. I never said a word --

Homer Simpson: Look, we're past that. Marge, maybe I do curse a little, but that's the way God made me. And I'm too old to stop now.

Marge Simpson: No, you're not. When my father got out of the Navy, he used to curse a blue streak. It almost cost him his job as a baby photographer. So, my mom put a Swear Jar in the kitchen. Every time he said a bad word, he put in a quarter. What do you think?

Homer Simpson: Well Marge, self-improvement has always been a passion of mine. Bring on the swear jar.

Homer Simpson: Do I have to pay if I hit my hand with the hammer?

Marge Simpson: Yes, Homer.

Homer Simpson: What if I catch on fire?

Marge Simpson: No, Homer.

Homer Simpson: What if I see something really weird in the sky?

Marge Simpson: Yes, Homer.

Homer Simpson: What about when we snuggle?

Marge Simpson: Uh... that's okay.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: "Dear Woodrow, it's time for us to meet. Why don't we go out to dinner and afterward we can go to my apartment for some home cookin'."

Bart Simpson: Huh? (REALIZING) Aye carumba!

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: ...Hungrily yours, Edna."

Bart Simpson: Well, she's dangled on the line long enough. It's time to boat this bass.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here watching me...

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Bart! Eyes down.

Bart Simpson: Yes, ma'am.

Bart Simpson: (MATTER OF FACT) "Edna, every second until we meet stabs me like a thousand needles..."

Romantic Lover Voice: "Join me at the Gilded Truffle this Saturday at eight. Perhaps later we will smooch up a storm. Sexily yours, Woody."

Bart Simpson: I can't help but feel partly responsible.

Bart Simpson: Homer, that was a twenty.

Homer Simpson: (STARTING TO SWEAR) God --

Homer Simpson: Ohh, you son-of-a.

Ned Flanders: Hey Homer, Ya know, I owe you one, buddy. No sooner had I shaved off the old cookie duster, than a lady cast me in a commercial.

Ned Flanders: (CHUCKLES) Ah, I tell ya the way these checks keep coming in, it's almost criminal.

Homer Simpson: You dirty bas...

Homer Simpson: What do ya think, Lisa?

Lisa Simpson: How's the dog supposed to get in?

Homer Simpson: Well, he just goes... Ohhh

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Oh, Woodrow. How could you stand me up?

Bart Simpson: Mrs. K, whoever this guy is, you don't need him. There are plenty of good men around.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (SADLY) Name one.

Bart Simpson: What's wrong with Principal Skinner?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Seymour? Huh, let's just say his mommy won't let him out to play.

Bart Simpson: What about Coach Fortner?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (MIMING DRINKING OUT OF A LIQUOR BOTTLE WITH HER HAND) Glug, glug, glug, glug...

Bart Simpson: Wow! What about Groundskeeper Willie?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: I'm not even gonna tell you what that guy's into. Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm gonna cry.

Homer Simpson: (CALMLY) Oh fudge, that's broken.

Homer Simpson: (CALMLY) Fiddle dee dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear, but I am going to kick this doghouse down.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, this is not a commentary on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.

Homer Simpson: Where'd you get the money?

Marge Simpson: There was more than enough in the swear jar. (COY) And if you look inside the doghouse, there's a little surprise.

Homer Simpson: (FLAT) Maggie. Oh. Cute.

Marge Simpson: (PICKING UP MAGGIE) No, behind her.

Homer Simpson: (GASPS) Beer! How did you know?

Marge Simpson: (PLAYFUL) Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie?

Marge Simpson: There's Maggie!

Bart Simpson: Mom, this is a little ahead of schedule, but I need help with my love life.

Marge Simpson: Oh, my special little guy has a sweetheart. (GIGGLES)

Lisa Simpson: I knew it. All right, Bart, who's your girlfriend?

Bart Simpson: Mrs. Krabappel.

Homer Simpson: (WHISTLES) Bart, this is your teacher? I should start going to parents night. (GROWL)

Marge Simpson: Homer! Bart, you did a very cruel thing.

Homer Simpson: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth.

Marge Simpson: No, Homer. The truth would humiliate her.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) Oh, Marge. I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.

Lisa Simpson: Maybe we should write her another letter. One that says good-bye but lets her feel loved.

Homer Simpson: Step aside everyone. Sensitive love letters are my specialty.

Homer Simpson: "Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpville. Population: you."

Marge Simpson: (GENTLY) We'll all help.

Lisa Simpson: "Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea, my heart will always be with you."

Bart Simpson: That sucks. How 'bout, "Crocodiles bit off my face."

Marge Simpson: That's disgusting. And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face.

Homer Simpson: I may hold you to that, Marge.

Lisa Simpson: "Okay, okay... I cannot see you for the next five years, for I will be farming the ocean floor."

Bart Simpson: (MAKES BUZZER SOUND) "I must finish this letter quickly, for I have only four minutes to live."

Homer Simpson: Three simple words. I am gay.

Marge Simpson: Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in.

Lisa Simpson: "And any time I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name... (WHISPERS) Edna!"

Marge Simpson: Oh, that's very good, Lisa.

Homer Simpson: P.S. -- I am gay.

Marge Simpson: How shall we end it?

Homer Simpson: How about, (SWEETLY) "With a love that will echo through the ages?"

Marge Simpson: (Writing it down) Oh, that's sweet.

Bart Simpson: Ohhh, Homer, you old honey dripper.

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) Why you little... (CHUCKLES)

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Wait! Wait!

Romantic Lover Voice: "Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why I cannot say. Where? You cannot know. How I will get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name... Edna."

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Bart, it's such a nice day today. Let's have detention outside.

Bart Simpson: It's a date.