Captain: Captain's log Stardate 6051: had trouble sleeping last night... my hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain but nobody listens.

Announcer: "Star Trek XII - So Very Tired." See the original cast in their latest, greatest adventure.

Helmsman: Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow!

Captain: (WEARY) Again with the Klingons. Mr. Scott, give me full power.

Chief Engineer: (SCOTTISH ACCENT) It's no good, Captain, I canna' reach the control panel!

Grampa Simpson: (SNORTS) Movies! What a rip-off.

Grampa Simpson: I don't have to sit here and take this. I... (FALLS ASLEEP, SNORES).

Bart Simpson: Hubba hubba! Oh you kid!

Marge Simpson: Thank you, dear. Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent/ teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.

Lisa Simpson: What are we going to have?

Homer Simpson: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good... pizza. If you've been bad... uh... (THINKS)... let's see... poison.

Lisa Simpson: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Bart Simpson: Poison pizza.

Homer Simpson: Oh no. I'm not making two stops.

Homer Simpson: All right, I'll talk to Lisa's teacher this year. You can have Bart's.

Marge Simpson: That's the way we do it every year.

Homer Simpson: All right. Tell you what. I'm thinking of a number between one and 50.

Marge Simpson: Is it 37?

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT) (LYING) I mean, no.

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: Please Marge... please, please, please, please, please?

Marge Simpson: Oh, all right.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

Groundskeeper Willie: (TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR) Ach.

Homer Simpson: (TO SELF) Hee hee!

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: (READING) synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots, replacing my birth-control pills with Tic Tacs...

Marge Simpson: Well, I'm sorry... I'm sure Bart doesn't really mean to be bad.

Bart Simpson: Now's our chance to be bad. (CHUCKLES)

Miss Hoover: Mr. Simpson... I just wanted to tell you that you've done a wonderful job with Lisa. You must have read to her at a young age.

Homer Simpson: I did. I did read to her!

Homer Simpson: (READING) Eight o'clock... Happy Days. The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool.

Homer Simpson: Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three "R's": "reading TV Guide"... (THINKS) ummmm, writing to TV Guide... and renewing TV Guide.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Now, we don't usually do this, but we have some witnesses. Come in, Arthur.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Now where did Bart stick the fireworks?

Marge Simpson: Oh...

Bart Simpson: Over the lips and past the gums, look out dentures, here I come.

Lisa Simpson: Ew!

Homer Simpson: (READING THE BUMPER STICKER ALOUD) "My child is on the Honor Roll at Springfield Elementary." You know, I never thought I'd find a replacement for my "Where's the Beef" bumper sticker. Heh, heh, heh... "Where's the Beef".

Miss Hoover: Uh... we'd like the desk back Mr. Simpson.

Homer Simpson: Huh? (LOOKS DOWN, LAUGHS) Oh.

Marge Simpson: I really don't see how this helps Bart.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (STERNLY) Just do it.

Homer Simpson: Bus-ted!

Marge Simpson: Homer, we have a problem here.

Homer Simpson: Are you kidding? Lisa turned out perfect. (GROWING ANGRY) I won't stand here and listen to you bad-mouthing Lisa!

Marge Simpson: We're talking about Bart.

Homer Simpson: Oh. That guy.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: I think the problem here is discipline. If Bart does something wrong you should punish him.

Marge Simpson: Well, we try, but he has this way of making us think we've punished him when actually we've completely caved in.

Homer Simpson: (CHEERFUL) He's the boy you love to hate.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Well, you've got to start being firm with him. I believe with persistent discipline even the poorest student can end up becoming... oh... say Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join. John Marshall... Charles Evans Hughes... Warren Burger... mmm burger.

Marge Simpson: And what if we don't?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Then there's no telling how low he can sink.

Announcer: (A LITTLE SLEAZY) All right, ladies. Prepare to be blown away by "Bang-Bang Bart!"

Rowdy Woman: You're fat!

Bart Simpson: (JADED) Just more of me to love, honey.

Marge Simpson: Oh, my poor baby.

Bart Simpson: Uh oh.

Grampa Simpson: (SPUTTERING) What? Whazzat?

Bart Simpson: Hi mom. Hi dad. (BEAT) Home already? Boy, time really flies when you're reading... (CHECKS BOOK) The Bible? Ew.

Marge Simpson: Well, we brought some pizza.

Homer Simpson: If you don't start making more sense we're gonna have to put you in a home.

Grampa Simpson: You already put me in a home.

Homer Simpson: (BAD MOOD) Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on "60 Minutes."

Grampa Simpson: (SMALL VOICE) I'll be good.

Grampa Simpson: Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!

Homer Simpson: Dad, you and your stories... "Bart broke my teeth"... "the nurses are stealing my money"... "this thing on my neck is getting bigger"...

Marge Simpson: (TO HOMER) Now this is exactly what Bart's teacher was talking about. Our son did something wrong and you look the other way.

Homer Simpson: But Marge, look at that hangdog expression. He's learned his lesson. Let's get him a present.

Marge Simpson: (EXASPERATED SIGH) Please, Homer. Why do I always have to be the bad guy?

Homer Simpson: All right, all right. (TO BART) Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth -- he gets to break yours.

Grampa Simpson: Oh, this is gonna be sweet.

Marge Simpson: No, no, no.

Grampa Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

Marge Simpson: Bart, we're sending you to bed without your supper.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, right. Like you're gonna let me go hungry. I'll be eatin' that pizza in five minutes.

Marge Simpson: (SHARPLY WITHOUT THINKING) Bart! Stop being confident.

Grampa Simpson: Dog gone it!

Marge Simpson: (EXASPERATED) Oh Grampa!

Bart Simpson: I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food, quick!

Homer Simpson: I'm a-comin' boy!

Marge Simpson: Homer, get back here.

Bart Simpson: There must be something to eat around here.

Bart Simpson: Gee, maybe they mean it this time. From now on I guess I'd better straighten up and fly...

Homer Simpson: Bart, don't tell your mother, but I brought you some pizza.

Homer Simpson: Just promise me you'll try to be good.

Bart Simpson: I promise.

Homer Simpson: (CHIPPER) Thataboy.

Bart Simpson: (CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF) Sucker.

Jasper Beardly: Well, well. If it isn't the tooth fairy.

Announcer: Coming for Christmas... the Itchy & Scratchy Movie!

Lisa Simpson: Bart!

Bart Simpson: Stick around, Mr. Bond. Things are really starting to "cook."

Lisa Simpson: Bart, come quick! There's an Itchy and Scratchy MOVIE!!!

Announcer: If you want suspense...romance...you'll find it in the Itchy & Scratchy Movie. Coming soon to a theater near you. (QUICK MUTTERED DISCLAIMER) 53% new footage.

Bart Simpson: Wow.

Homer Simpson: Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked?

Bart Simpson: Indeed I did.

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT) Hey you goats, get outta here!

Homer Simpson: Boy, you're going to have to be punished for this.

Bart Simpson: Dad, you could punish me. But that means you'd have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it...

Bart Simpson: Or you could let me go play with Milhouse while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.

Bumblebee Man: (MOANS) Ayy, el estomago!

Homer Simpson: Run along, ya little scamp.

Bart Simpson: Jin-gle Bells, Jin-gle Bells...

Homer Simpson: Bart! Why are you doing that?

Bart Simpson: I'unno.

Homer Simpson: Well, this time you must be punished.

Bart Simpson: (SLY) Well, you could punish me, but...

Homer Simpson: No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you and come Hell or high water I... wait a minute...

Homer Simpson: (GASPS) Ice cream truck!

Homer Simpson: Me, me. I was here first!

Homer Simpson: Now, what were we talking about, boy?

Bart Simpson: (LYING) Uh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.

Homer Simpson: (WISTFULLY) Oh yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Marge Simpson: We're home.

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) We got beets!

Marge Simpson: (ANGRY) Bart, are you pulling up the carpet?

Bart Simpson: Yuh - huh.

Marge Simpson: (TO HOMER) Why are you letting him do this?

Homer Simpson: I'unno.

Marge Simpson: Well punish him!

Homer Simpson: All right. All right. (CASUALLY) Bart, go to your room.

Bart Simpson: (EXITING) See ya in the funny pages.

Marge Simpson: (RE: CARPET) How could you let this happen?

Homer Simpson: How could you let this happen?

Marge Simpson: I wasn't here!

Homer Simpson: (SKEPTICAL) Oh. How convenient.

Marge Simpson: Homer, do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?

Homer Simpson: Can't he be both like the late Earl Warren?

Marge Simpson: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.

Homer Simpson: Now who's being naive.

Marge Simpson: Look, you have to help discipline your son.

Homer Simpson: All right, Marge. I swear to you, the next time he does something wrong I'll punish him and make it stick.

Kent Brockman: Tonight on Eye On Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccuping for forty-five years.

Man: (HICCUP) Kill me... (HICCUP) Kill me...

Kent Brockman: But first we'll examine the growing Itchy & Scratchy mania with their new movie premiering today!

Bart Simpson: (PATTING POCKET WITH TICKET CLEARLY VISIBLE) I got my ticket.

Kent Brockman: I'm here live in Korea to give you a first hand look at how American cartoons are made. But first, let's take a look back at the year 1928. A year when you might have seen Al Capone dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole.

Kent Brockman: It was also the year of the very first Scratchy cartoon, entitled "That Happy Cat".

Kent Brockman: The film did very poorly. But the following year Scratchy was teamed up with a psychotic young mouse named Itchy. And cartoon history was made. Here's their first cartoon together: "Steamboat Itchy."

Itchy: Oh me, oh my!

Kent Brockman: During the war Itchy & Scratchy put their differences aside and teamed up to fight a bigger foe.

Kent Brockman: We'll be back with a real life Itchy & Scratchy. A rabid mouse in Boston who attacked and killed a small cat. (CHUCKLES)

Homer Simpson: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?

Bart Simpson: Sounds like something you'd say.

Bart Simpson: Hey, where is she?

Marge Simpson: Oh my Lord!

Chief Wiggum: Aw, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car.

Chief Wiggum: And look, there's a dog driving a bus.

Driver: Hey!

Snake Jailbird: All rrright. Time for a crime spree.

Homer Simpson: All right, boy. This calls for the biggest punishment I've ever handed down. And this time it's gonna stick!

Bart Simpson: (WORRIED) Come on, Homer. This isn't funny.

Homer Simpson: Damn right. Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy & Scratchy movie. Ever!

Snake Jailbird: Oh, nnnooo. Beta.

Bart Simpson: (DESPERATE) Dad, you gotta let me see that movie. Can't you just give me a spanking?

Bart Simpson: Come on, go nuts.

Homer Simpson: Don't point that thing at me. I said you're not going to the movie and I'm sticking to it.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I agree that Bart should be punished, but the Itchy and Scratchy movie is the defining event of our generation. How would you have liked it if someone told you that you couldn't watch the moon landing?

Homer Simpson: Hmm...

Astronaut: That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.

Homer Simpson: (SINGING) YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY/ I'VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY/ AND I FEEL LIKE LOVIN' YOU...

Homer Simpson: (STILL SINGING) ... LOVE YOU, SUCH A SWEET THING/ GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT THING...

Homer Simpson: Sorry, but the punishment stands.

Guy: (FALLING) I regret nothing!

Homer Simpson: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.

Bart Simpson: Not bloody likely.

Homer Simpson: No, it's true. You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt. But, my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. (CHIPPER) The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart Simpson: Dad, what's the point of this story?

Homer Simpson: (CHILDLIKE) I like stories.

Bart Simpson: Look, can I please go to the movie?

Homer Simpson: I know my punishment might seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. (CONSOLING) You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

Bart Simpson: TV sucks.

Homer Simpson: (BARELY CONTAINING HIS ANGER) I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

Announcer: The master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour.

Bart Simpson: I'm not licked yet. I can entertain myself. No matter how good a movie is, it can't compare to the imagination of a small boy.

Bart Simpson: How was it?

Lisa Simpson: It wasn't that great.

Bart Simpson: Be honest.

Lisa Simpson: (EXUBERANT) It was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life. And you wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos. Dustin Hoffman, Michael Jackson... of course they didn't use their real names, but you could tell it was them.

Bart Simpson: (PAINED) Lisa.

Lisa Simpson: Sorry Bart.

Bart Simpson: (SADLY) It's just not the same.

Milhouse Van Houten: I've seen the Itchy & Scratchy Movie 13 times.

Nelson Muntz: I've seen it 17 times.

Bart Simpson: You guys must be gettin' pretty tired of that movie by now.

Milhouse Van Houten: (SUSPICIOUS) No one who saw the movie would say that!

Nelson Muntz: Let's get him!

Marge Simpson: Homer, we'd like to talk to you.

Homer Simpson: But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, you've got to let Bart see that movie. I've never seen him like this. He has the demented melancholia of a Tennessee Williams heroine.

Homer Simpson: Don't you think I know that?

Marge Simpson: Well, it's been two months. You laid down the law and I'm proud of you. But I think we've gotten through to him.

Homer Simpson: Ah, sweet soft-hearted Marge. You just can't see the big picture. If I stick to my guns, the boy could wind up Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. If I fail, the best he could do is judge at a "Mister Tight Buns" competition. I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen and I can't let that happen.

Bart Simpson: One for "Itchy and Scratchy".

Booth Attendant: We promised your dad we wouldn't.

Kent Brockman: I'm here at the Springfield Aztec Theater where, after eight months and nine Academy Awards, the Itchy and Scratchy movie is showing for the last time. Tomorrow, a new movie, starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open. Will it be as successful? Only time will tell.

Bart Simpson: Well, Dad, I guess you won.

Homer Simpson: No, son, we both won. You don't know it now, but I've started you on the road to somewhere very special.

Bart Simpson: Well, I'll be. The Itchy and Scratchy Movie.

Bart Simpson: Come on. What d'ya say?

Homer Simpson: All right. I think you've learned your lesson.

Bart Simpson: One senior citizen and one Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Homer Simpson: (FEEBLY) I'll get it son.

Booth Attendant: That'll be six hundred and fifty dollars.

Customer: One Soylent Green. Hold the butter.

Homer Simpson: Mmm... Soylent Green.

Homer Simpson: Which one's the mouse?

Bart Simpson: Itchy.

Homer Simpson: Itchy's a jerk.

Bart Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.