Woman's Voice: Core meltdown in ten seconds... nine... eight.

Woman's Voice: Meltdown averted. Good boy.

C. Montgomery Burns: (WAKING UP NOISES) Huh? What? How dare you disturb me during nap time!

Nrc Woman: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence.

C. Montgomery Burns: (PAUSE) There must be some mistake. We, uh, we make cookies here. Mr. Burns' old fashioned, good time, extra chewy...

Nrc Man: (TO MAN) Get the axe.

C. Montgomery Burns: (CONTEMPTUOUS) The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

Waylon Smithers: Don't worry, sir. I rounded up our less gifted employees and led them into the basement.

Dumb Employee #1: Duh, Homer, why are we down here?

Homer Simpson: Oh, geez, I told you, Bernie. To guard the bee.

Dumb Employee #2: But why?

Homer Simpson: (SUPERIOR) You guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me Head Bee Guy.

Dumb Employee #1: Duh, it's gettin' away...

Dumb Employee #2: (CLUTCHING HIS HEAD) Oh! We did bad!

Nrc Man: Is there a Homer Simpson present?

Waylon Smithers: I'm afraid he couldn't bee here.

C. Montgomery Burns: Yes, he's in Geneva, chairing a conference on Nuclear Fission. (TO HIMSELF) Yes, that should stick.

Homer Simpson: (MOANING IN PAIN) The bee bit my bottom. Now my bottom's big! Oh!

Nrc Man: Homer, this is an exact replica of your workstation. Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.

Homer Simpson: (FIRM) What the hell are you talking about?

Homer Simpson: (ON INTERCOM) What do I do!? (SOBBING) What do I do!? In the name of God you've got to tell me!

Nrc Man: Relax, it's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.

Homer Simpson: (TO SELF) Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.

Nrc Man: (HORRIFIED) No, this can't be happening!

Waylon Smithers: For the love of god, sir, there are two seats...

C. Montgomery Burns: (QUICKLY) I like to put my feet up.

Homer Simpson: (FEROCIOUSLY) Must destroy mankind! (LOOKS AT WATCH, SUDDENLY NORMAL) Ohh, lunch time.

Nrc Man: We're still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing...

C. Montgomery Burns: Or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

Nrc Man: The box! The box!

Nrc Woman: (NOT BUYING IT) Look, Burns, this is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Gentlemen, I've decided there will be no investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away.

Nrc Man: You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's job requires college training in Nuclear Physics. Now you get your man up to speed or we'll be forced to take legal action.

C. Montgomery Burns: Is that so? (COY) Well I have the feeling you'll be "dropping" the charges...

Waylon Smithers: The painters moved your desk, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: (REMEMBERING) Oh, yes.

C. Montgomery Burns: Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.

Marge Simpson: Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?

Lawyer: Yes. He would.

Homer Simpson: So you want me to go to college?

Bart Simpson: College? (LAUGHS) Barber or clown?

Homer Simpson: Bart!

C. Montgomery Burns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, and one more thing. (OMINOUS) You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.

Waylon Smithers: Actually, sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.

C. Montgomery Burns: And the road maps and ice scraper?

Waylon Smithers: They were in there too, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Excellent. It's all falling into place.

Marge Simpson: I think this is a great opportunity. You could learn so much.

Homer Simpson: Maybe you're right. I did always want to go to college, but fate stood in the way.

Counselor: Homer, sign this application and you're a shoe-in.

Homer Simpson: (LAUGHS) That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see!

Homer Simpson: (FIGHTING NOISES) C'mon! Gimme the hand, you stupid dog! C'mon! Gimme' that!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see... (READING) "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life."

Homer Simpson: Is "TV Guide" a book?

Lisa Simpson: No.

Homer Simpson: "Son of Sniglets??"

Lisa Simpson: No.

Homer Simpson: Katharine Hepburn's "Me"?

Lisa Simpson: (IMPATIENT) No.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) I suck.

Homer Simpson: (WRITING) "... it was the most I ever threw-up and it changed my life forever."

Bart Simpson: You the man, Homer.

Homer Simpson: Thanks boy. Now, for the crowning touch...

Bart Simpson: I dunno, Dad. Don't you have a better picture?

Homer Simpson: Relax, a photo can't make any difference.

Admissions Man: He looks crazy.

Admissions Woman: Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.

Announcer: Finally, the great taste of Worchestershire sauce... in a soft drink!

Hillbilly Man: Ah... steakey.

Homer Simpson: Sorry, son, but there's a program about campus life that I really should watch.

Announcer: We now return to "School of Hard Knockers" starring Corey Masterson.

President: (CHARLTON HESTON VOICE) Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit. As you know, I am the President of the United States.

Angry Dean: Oh, don't worry, I've expelled those rowdy members of Chug-a-lug House.

Homer Simpson: (BITTER) I hate that lousy dean!

Corey: Your bra-bomb better work, Nerdlinger.

Nerdlinger: Corey! (TO PRESIDENT) Don't worry, Mr. President, I... Mr. President!?

President: Lighten up, Bitterman. That youngster will make a perfect addition to my cabinet... Secretary of Partying Down!

Angry Dean: G-rrrrr!

Homer Simpson: Yes! Take that, Bitterman!

Marge Simpson: Homie, here are the responses from the colleges you applied to.

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT) (ANNOYED GRUNT) Woo hoo! A flyer for a hardware store! (ANNOYED GRUNT)

Bart Simpson: Well, Pop, what are you gonna do?

Homer Simpson: (DETERMINED) Something I should have done a long time ago...

Marge Simpson: You don't know, do you?

Homer Simpson: (MEEK) No, ma'am.

C. Montgomery Burns: Don't worry, Simpson, (DARKLY) it just so happens I have a chair at Springfield University...

Scholar: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This "Simpson" is not qualified.

C. Montgomery Burns: I see. Well, you know, fellas, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you?

C. Montgomery Burns: Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork. (ANGRY) Not some hot dog admissions officer playing by his own rules.

Scholar: Uh... excuse me, what are you doing?

C. Montgomery Burns: I'm giving you the beating of your life!

Scholar: (UNAFFECTED) Look, if - stop that. If you wanted him in that badly, why didn't you just say so?

C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo, I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore.

Homer Simpson: I AM SO SMART/ I AM SO SMART/ I AM SO SMART/ I AM SO SMART. S-M-R-T...I MEAN S-M-A-R-T.

Homer Simpson: My first day of college. I wish my father was alive to see this.

Grampa Simpson: Hey!

Homer Simpson: How long have you been back there?

Grampa Simpson: (SADLY) Three days.

Homer Simpson: (SHOUTING) Nerd!

Marge Simpson: Homer, that isn't very nice.

Homer Simpson: Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

Homer Simpson: Hey pal, did you get a load of the nerd?

Jock: (CONFUSED) Pardon me?

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) I'll be a campus hero...

Skinny Student: Attention everyone! The punch has been spiked!

Skinny Student: Don't worry, your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly.

Homer Simpson: Marge, someone's squeezed all the life out of these kids. (GROWING ANGRY) And unless movies and TV have lied to me, it's a crusty, bitter, old dean!

Dean Bobby Peterson: (ENGAGING) Hi there, hello, I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever, I'm always up for some Hackey Sack. Or hey, if you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for "The Pretenders."

Homer Simpson: (ANGRY) Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt.

Professor: Good morning and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying, "Out with the old, in with the nucleus!"

Professor: Now, we'll begin by - oops...

Homer Simpson: (LONG, OBNOXIOUS LAUGH) You see that, sir. (LAUGHS MORE) Drops his notes. (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Professor: Now, if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class.

Homer Simpson: Do we have to?

Professor: No.

Homer Simpson: (WAY TOO BIG) Then kiss my curvy butt goodbye!

Marge Simpson: Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus. Besides, it isn't costing us - I swiped the cinderblocks from a construction site.

Foreman: Sir, six cinderblocks are missing.

Architect: (GRIM) There'll be no hospital then. I'll tell the children.

Professor: This proton accelerator de-stabilizes the atom in this chamber here, then propels it...

Homer Simpson: (COCKY) Uh, excuse me "Professor Brainiac," but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years and uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works.

Professor: Well please, come down and show us.

Homer Simpson: All right, I will.

Homer Simpson: In there, guys.

Men: Thanks, Homer.

Dean: Homer, no one blames you for the accident. We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring. I researched these names myself...

Homer Simpson: (MUTTERING) Yeah, you've won this round, Dean. But the war isn't over.

Dean: Hello?

Homer Simpson: (FAKE VOICE) Hello, Dean? You're a stupid head.

Dean: Homer, is that you?

Homer Simpson: Hiya, gang!

Doug: (ROBOT VOICE) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!

Gary: (ROBOT VOICE) Stop the Humanoid!

Homer Simpson: (IRRITATED) Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor...

Doug: Well, you've come to the right place then. If there's one thing we know, it is science...

Gary: And math...

Benjamin: And the words to every Monty Python routine...

Benjamin: We are the Knights who say Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! (LAUGH)

Homer Simpson: Heh heh. "Nee."

Homer Simpson: (FILLED WITH WONDER) We played Dungeons and Dragons for three hours. (SADLY) Then I was slain by an elf.

Bart Simpson: Listen to yourself, man. You're hangin' with nerds.

Homer Simpson: (THREATENING) You take that back...

Marge Simpson: Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.

Homer Simpson: (PLEADING) Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include; popcorn magnate, Orville Redenbacher, rock star, David Byrne and Supreme Court Justice David Souter.

Homer Simpson: (GASPS) Oh, not Souter... Oh, no.

Doug: Come on, Mr. Simpson, you'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table.

Homer Simpson: (GLUM) I'll write it on my hand...

Doug: Ho. Including all known Lanthanides and Actinides? (CHORTLING) Good luck!

Homer Simpson: C'mon guys, look at yourselves. All you do is study. I'm gonna show you the true meaning of college!

Homer Simpson: We're gonna go out and par-ty!

Gary: Wait a minute, I'll put on my snow pants.

Doug: Me too.

Benjamin: Me too.

Homer Simpson: Aah, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

Marge Simpson: If you're going for a ride I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa.

Homer Simpson: (WHINY) But Marge, we're college guys and we're up to no good...

Doug: Mr. Simpson? Gary spilled his ear medicine.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, those baby ducks were so cute. I can't believe they let us walk right up and feed them.

Gary: I need to go to the bathroom.

Lisa Simpson: (IRRITATED) We stopped five minutes ago.

Gary: Yeah, but someone knocked on the door and I couldn't go.

Homer Simpson: I'm telling you, a big crazy prank is just what the doctor ordered. (LAUGHS) The Dean'll go nuts!

Homer Simpson: I got it! We wait by his mailbox, and when he comes outside, we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge.

Bart Simpson: So it's a prank you're lookin' for, is it? I'll give you your prank...

Bart Simpson: The only other college in fifty miles is Springfield A&M, so they're our best target.

Homer Simpson: (SEETHING) Those bastards...

Bart Simpson: Meet Sir Oinks-A-lot, the beloved mascot of Springfield A&M. Here he is presiding over last year's homecoming. (SLAPS DOWN A PHOTO) Here he is conferring an honorary degree on Richard Nixon. (SLAPS DOWN A PHOTO) And here he is rolling in his own filth. Gentlemen, I propose we kidnap Sir Oinks-A-lot...

Homer Simpson: And then we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge. (GIGGLES)

Homer Simpson: What?

Homer Simpson: Look! You pull its tail straight and it curls right back up again. Curly, straight, curly, straight, curly, straight, curly, straight...

Doug: Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that.

Homer Simpson: Of course he does. He's a cute little piggy. (CONTINUES PULLING TAIL) Curly, straight, curly, straight, curly...

Homer Simpson: Ow! Why you little...

Doug: Hey, the pig's acting kinda funny.

Gary: He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor.

Benjamin: Guys, he's really sick.

Dean Bobby Peterson: Hello, that sounds like a pig fainting.

Dean Bobby Peterson: I'm sorry, boys, I've never expelled anyone before, but that pig had some powerful friends.

Richard Nixon: (TO NERDS) Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay.

Homer Simpson: Guys, believe me, I didn't mean to get you expelled...

Benjamin: Oh, don't worry Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.

Snake Jailbird: Uh, wallet inspector.

Doug: (CORDIALLY) Here you go. I believe that's all in order.

Snake Jailbird: Huh, I can't believe that worked.

Homer Simpson: (REALIZING) Hey, that's not the wallet inspector.

Homer Simpson: Marge, they don't have anywhere to stay, and they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth.

Benjamin: Mr. Simpson, we all have nose bleeds.

Marge Simpson: Oh, for the love of...

Marge Simpson: What's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises.

Gary: (CONDESCENDINGLY) Those "crazy noises" are computer signals.

Benjamin: Yeah, some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk.

Doug: (CHORTLING) They're out of their minds!

Lisa Simpson: (VERY EXCITED) I heard about this. This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy.

Bart Simpson: Wow!

Bart Simpson: (AWED) My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Gary: We need the outlet for our rock tumbler.

Lisa Simpson: Plug it in! Plug it in!

Gary: What? The rock tumbler or the TV?

Lisa Simpson: The TV! The TV!

Krusty the Clown: Wow! They'll never let us show that again. Not in a million years! (LAUGHS)

Bart Simpson: Dad, start diggin' some nerd holes.

Lisa Simpson: It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher -- Can't we do something?

Homer Simpson: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony. Right, Marge?

Marge Simpson: No. I want those geeks out of my house.

Doug: You really think you can get us back into college?

Homer Simpson: Absolutely. (MUSING) Now the only antidote to a zany scheme is an even zanier scheme.

Doug: Why does it have to be zany?

Homer Simpson: (SNAPS FINGERS) I got it! We're gonna fix it so you guys save the dean's life.

Homer Simpson: Perfect.

Gary: (LOOKING AT HIS WATCH) Okay. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.

Doug: Should we correct for wind resistance?

Benjamin: (MUSING) Hmm. Possibly... (TO GARY) What do you think?

Doug: (SMALL) Oh my.

Homer Simpson: Well, dean, I'm really sorry for the running-you-over prank.

Dean Bobby Peterson: Prank?

Homer Simpson: And all those other pranks were my idea too. I'm the one who should be expelled.

Dean Bobby Peterson: Well, I'm touched by your honesty. And who knows, perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself.

Homer Simpson: Yes, you have.

Dean Bobby Peterson: How's this, I'll re-admit your friends and we'll forget this whole silly incident ever occurred.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh, Dean, this is what your new hip is going to look like.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (GOOD NATURED CHUCKLES) You're gonna have to go easy on it.

Benjamin: Oh, it's good to be back after all these weeks.

Doug: Better check our answering machine, huh?

Automated Voice: Number of messages received (BEAT) zero.

Gary: We really want to thank you, Mr. Simpson.

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) No problem, guys. The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends.

Professor: So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.

Homer Simpson: Exam?!? Oh, this is just like one of those bad dreams.

Gary: (VERY CONCERNED) What are you gonna do Mr. Simpson?

Homer Simpson: Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats and hope that somehow everything will work out.

Gary: (SKEPTICAL THEN DRAMATIC) Or, with our help you could cram like you've never crammed before.

Homer Simpson: (SHRUGGING) Whatever. Either way is good...

Gary: Aw, man, I can't believe you failed.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified.

Gary: Mr. Simpson, there is a way. We could... well, use a computer to change your grade.

Homer Simpson: (AMAZED) Computers can do that?

Gary: Oh yes. The only problem is the moral dilemma it raises... which requires...

Homer Simpson: (SMOOCHING) Mora wuza?

Marge Simpson: (IMPRESSED) An "A plus"! How did you do it?

Homer Simpson: (COY) Oh, let's just say I had help from a "little magic box..."

Marge Simpson: You changed your grade with a computer?

Bart Simpson: Way to go, dad!

Homer Simpson: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. (TO NERDS) These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.

Gary: No we didn't.

Homer Simpson: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study and work hard.

Lisa Simpson: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.

Homer Simpson: (THINKING) Hmmm, true.

Marge Simpson: (TO HOMER) And I learned that in order for you to set a good example for your son, you're gonna take that course over again without cheating.

Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge. You're worse than that crusty old dean.

Homer Simpson: Well, I guess it's back to college for me. And that means it's time to... (TO NERDS) What did I teach you guys?

Gary: (TOGETHER) Par-ty down?

Homer Simpson: (JUMPING UP AND TRIUMPHANTLY PUMPING FIST IN THE AIR) Yes.