Seymour Skinner: Children, we've just been tipped off that Superintendent Chalmers is planning a surprise inspection. So let's clean up this pigsty!

Seymour Skinner: (OVER PA) On another topic, the following students have won mountain bikes: Bart Simpson...

Seymour Skinner: Jimbo Jones...

Seymour Skinner: Nelson Muntz...

Nelson Muntz: I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud 'til I get back.

Milhouse Van Houten: (SAD) Yes, sir.

Seymour Skinner: You may pick the bikes up in Utility Basement B.

Seymour Skinner: Fools! (STARTS AN EVIL LAUGH, TURNS, STOPS SHORT) Whoops. Still on.

Bart Simpson: Hey, what do you think he meant by that fools remark?

Nelson Muntz: Ah, who cares? Time to get me a mountain bike!

Nelson Muntz: Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?

Seymour Skinner: Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the Superintendent's visit. Enjoy!

Jimbo Jones: How are we gonna get outta here?

Nelson Muntz: And when are we gonna get our mountain bikes?

Seymour Skinner: Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?

Groundskeeper Willie: No. But the PTA would tear ya a new arse.

Seymour Skinner: Wise council, William. But the potty talk adds nothing.

Groundskeeper Willie: (MUTTERED) Aye, sir. (MUTTERING) You bath-taking, underpants-wearing, lily-hugger.

Seymour Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers! Welcome!

Gary Chalmers: Hello, Seymour.

Seymour Skinner: So what's the word down at One School Board Plaza?

Gary Chalmers: We're dropping the geography requirement. The children weren't testing well. It was proving to be an embarrassment.

Seymour Skinner: Very good. Back to the three R's.

Gary Chalmers: (CONFIDENTIALLY) Two R's come October.

Seymour Skinner: Hm. (LEADING) What do you think of the banners?

Gary Chalmers: Nothing but transparent toadying.

Seymour Skinner: They were the children's idea. I tried to stop them.

Gary Chalmers: It's always the children's fault, isn't it, Seymour?

Seymour Skinner: Yes, yes it is, sir.

Nelson Muntz: Imagine, a school out there with no bullies.

Jimbo Jones: Science geeks not getting beat up... kids using their lunch money for food...

Nelson Muntz: I can't take it!

Bart Simpson: Hey, I think I can squeeze through that vent.

Jimbo Jones: All right!

Nelson Muntz: All right Bart! Do it man.

Jimbo Jones: Now, remember little dude, you're our only hope.

Bart Simpson: Ow!

Nelson Muntz: Got 'im!

Jimbo Jones: Way to go, man!

Nelson Muntz: Haw haw!

Seymour Skinner: May I interest you in a Jello brick, Sir? (CONSPIRATORIAL) There's a grape in the center.

Gary Chalmers: Well, I'm not made of stone.

Seymour Skinner: You're not made of stone... a brick and you're... (REALIZES IT'S TOO MUCH, RUBS NECK) made of stone...

Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, my beauty, wait till the Superintendent sees you. Were it not a violation of God's law, I'd make ye my wife.

Scottish Woman: Now there is a lonely man.

Scottish Woman: (COYLY) I'm new in town. Be there a cool loch where a lass could wash her long red hair?

Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, but there's a pool at me apartment complex. There was a rat in the deep end -- but we got him!

Scottish Woman: Ah! Lead on.

Gary Chalmers: Forty-eight... forty-nine... fifty. Flag's up to date. Very good, Seymour. (SURVEYING STUDENTS) Now, are these children as smart as they look?

Seymour Skinner: Well let's pick one at random. How about that one?

Gary Chalmers: (POINTS TO RALPH) You mean this boy, here?

Seymour Skinner: (HORRIFIED) No! No! Lisa Simpson!

Gary Chalmers: (TO LISA) When was the battle of New Orleans?

Lisa Simpson: January 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended.

Gary Chalmers: First rate.

Ralph Wiggum: What's a battle?

Seymour Skinner: (LAUGHS TOO HARD) Let's go.

Gary Chalmers: Did that boy say what's a battle?

Seymour Skinner: No he said what's that rattle. (UNDER HIS BREATH) It's about the heating duct.

Gary Chalmers: Hm, (SKEPTICAL) it sounded like battle.

Seymour Skinner: I've had a cold.

Gary Chalmers: Oh, so you hear "R"s as "B"s?

Seymour Skinner: Yes.

Gary Chalmers: I understand.

Exhaust Pipe Lid: Come on Bart. Ride me.

Bart Simpson: (LOOKING AROUND) I better not.

Chicken: (SNOOTY VOICE) He's insulting both of us.

Bart Simpson: (TO TRACTOR) Let's go.

Gary Chalmers: Excellent. Not a trace of urine.

Gary Chalmers: Seymour, you run a tight ship.

Seymour Skinner: Well, you know what they say, sir. "Where there's no smoke, there's no fire."

Gary Chalmers: What an odd remark.

Gary Chalmers: (SEES SOMETHING ON GROUND) Why, that looks like a fifty cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it.

Gary Chalmers: (TO SELF) It seems to be caught between these two flowers.

Seymour Skinner: (SCREAMS) NOOOOO!

Gary Chalmers: Ow, ow, ow. Seymour I was thinking of promoting you to Assistant Superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway.

Seymour Skinner: No. But sir, he's a drunk.

Gary Chalmers: And a pill popper.

Seymour Skinner: If I could just...

Gary Chalmers: Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse?

Lunchlady Doris: I get two paychecks this way.

Seymour Skinner: (COLD FURY) There's no detention this time, Simpson. This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary!

Kent Brockman: Tonight on "Eye on Springfield": The Munchkins from "The Wizard of Oz"... Where are they now?

Kent Brockman: And we'll visit a nudist camp... for animals!

Kent Brockman: But first, a look at the local holiday that was called "distasteful" and "Puerile" by a panel of hillbillies. (GRINNING) Whacking Day!

Lisa Simpson: Oh no. No!

Kent Brockman: In a tradition that dates back to founding father Jebediah Springfield...every May 10th local residents gather to drive snakes into the center of town and whack them to snake heaven.

Kent Brockman: After exposing Alger Hiss, honorary Grand Marshall Richard Nixon goes after another deadly hiss.

Richard Nixon: (CONFUSED) Is Whacking Day over?

Richard Nixon: Thank you, thanks for coming out.

Lisa Simpson: (SHUDDERS) It's all so barbaric.

Homer Simpson: Hey kids. How was school?

Lisa Simpson: I learned how many drams in a pennyweight.

Bart Simpson: I got expelled.

Homer Simpson: That's my boy.

Homer Simpson: Mmmm, beer... What?

Bart Simpson: Look, Dad. I don't need school. I'll make my way as a bootblack. (COCKNEY ACCENT) Shine yer boots Guv'nor?

Homer Simpson: No son of mine is gonna be a 19th Century Cockney bootblack. We're gonna find you another school.

Marge Simpson: (LOW) Now remember Bart. This is a religious school. So be very careful about what you say and do here.

Bart Simpson: No problemo.

Mr. Ogden: Now Bart, since you're new here, perhaps you'd favor us with a psalm.

Bart Simpson: How about "Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit?"

Mr. Ogden: (PUZZLED) Well, beans were a staple of the Israelites... yes, proceed.

Bart Simpson: BEANS, BEANS, THE MUSICAL FRUIT / THE MORE YOU EAT THE MORE YOU TOOT...

Mr. Ogden: Avert your eyes, children, he may take on other forms!

Bart Simpson: I guess that's it. I just can't be educated. (SIGHS) I can always get a job testing dangerous food additives.

Scientist #1: We'd like you to try this new diet cola. We call it "Nature's Goodness."

Bart Simpson: What's in it?

Scientist #2: Two four des-oxy-propheniramine.

Bart Simpson: (MONSTER-LIKE) Sweet.

Scientist #2: Pleasing taste. Some monsterism.

Bart Simpson: Cool.

Marge Simpson: You're going to get an education. I'm going to teach you myself.

Homer Simpson: Marge, it's too late. The boy's ten years old! Let's focus our energy on Lisa and the other one.

Homer Simpson: What's your problem?

Lisa Simpson: (SULLEN) Whacking Day is coming.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! The greatest day of the year.

Lisa Simpson: But killing snakes is evil.

Homer Simpson: Maybe so, Lisa, but it's part of our oh-so-human nature. Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved.

Evil Homer: (SINGING) I AM EVIL HO-MER... I AM EVIL HO-MER... I AM EVIL HO-MER... I AM EVIL HO-MER...

Bart Simpson: Have a nice day at school, Lis. I'll just try to make the best of a bad situation. (GETTING COMFORTABLE NOISE) Ahhh...

Marge Simpson: Bart. Get dressed for school. I expect you to be in your seat when the bell rings.

Marge Simpson: (GIGGLES) I bought a bell.

Marge Simpson: (RECOVERING) I think I'll unplug that.

Marge Simpson: I'm your new teacher. My name is Mrs. Simpson. (GIGGLE)

Bart Simpson: I didn't do it.

Marge Simpson: Oh, that's right. I invited a guest speaker to talk to the class.

Grampa Simpson: Hello, children!

Grampa Simpson: I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into Dusseldorf. So I rode out the war posing as a German cabaret singer.

Young Grampa: (SINGING) WON'T YOU COME HOME FRANZ BRAUDER / WON'T YOU COME HOME...

Hitler: Yoo hoo.

Hitler: Ach du lieber! That is not ein a booby!

Bart Simpson: (SKEPTICAL) Is that story true, Grampa?

Grampa Simpson: Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the forties. (RAPTUROUSLY) Oh, they had designers then...

Homer Simpson: Look what I got, Marge. A new whacking stick.

Homer Simpson: Whack!

Marge Simpson: (TITILLATING) Oooh!

Lisa Simpson: (REPULSED) Excuse me.

Homer Simpson: Whack! Whack! Whack!

Marge Simpson: Oooh! Oooooh! Oooooooh!

Marge Simpson: Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of "Johnny Tremain." It's a book I read as a girl.

Bart Simpson: A book? (HE MAKES A DISGUSTED NOISE)

Marge Simpson: I think you might like this... It's about a boy who goes to war... his hand is deformed in an accident...

Bart Simpson: (SUDDENLY INTERESTED) Deformed? Why didn't you say so? (TAKING BOOK) They should call this book "Johnny Deformed!"

Bart Simpson: "Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for: 'A man can stand up...'" Wow.

Marge Simpson: Mm-hm, if you'd like to learn more about Colonial times we could take a field trip to Old Springfield Towne.

Lisa Simpson: (TRYING TO GET HIS ATTENTION) Dad?

Lisa Simpson: Dad, everyone likes Whacking Day, but I hate it. Is there something wrong with me?

Homer Simpson: (GENTLY) Yes, honey.

Lisa Simpson: Then, what should I do?

Homer Simpson: Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. Remember that?

Lisa Simpson: Yeah.

Homer Simpson: Your Daddy hit the referee.

Lisa Simpson: Yeah.

Homer Simpson: Yeah.

Recruiter: Any experience?

Actor: Yes I played Panicky Idiot #2 in "The Poseidon Adventure."

Recruiter: Sorry. We're looking for more of a "Duh, duh" idiot.

Actor: But... (SADLY) Oh, I see.

Marge Simpson: Hello, Barney. Are you playing the town drunk?

Barney Gumble: Actually, I'm supposed to be the governor. (BELCH)

Guide: The enemy surrounded the fort and said that if the captain was sent out the rest would be spared.

Bart Simpson: What did they do?

Guide: They sent him out.

Bart Simpson: Was he killed?

Guide: And how! That's why they call it Fort Sensible.

Teenaged Guide: This is Jebediah Springfield at the Battle of Ticonderoga. Next. (NEXT SLIDE) And here he is killing a snake on the very first Whacking Day in 1775.

Bart Simpson: Hey wait a minute. That was the same day he was at Ticonderoga. How could he be in two places at once?

Teenaged Guide: Um... Um... Y'see...

Security Guard: He'll blow the whole deal. Get him outta here.

Teenaged Guide: (INTO WALKIE-TALKIE) Roger.

Teenaged Guide: (CALLING AFTER THEM) If you want to learn more about Whacking Day, there are many fine books in our gift shop.

Teenaged Guide: Welcome to your official Whacking Day Headquarters. I've hidden a snake somewhere in this store. The first one to whack it gets a free Squishee.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hey. Hey. Boy, I should have put more thought into my promotion.

Chief Wiggum: Aim for the body, men.

Lou: Right chief.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (READING) And the Lord said "Whack ye all the serpents which crawl on their bellies and thy town shall be a beacon unto others." So you see, Lisa, even God himself endorses Whacking Day.

Lisa Simpson: Let me see that.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: No.

Children's Choir: (SINGING) OH WHACKING DAY / OH WHACKING DAY / OUR HALLOWED SNAKE SKULL CRACKING DAY...

Boy Soloist: (SINGING) WE'LL BREAK THEIR BACKS / GOUGE OUT THEIR EYES / THEIR EVIL HEARTS WE'LL PULVERIZE...

Children's Choir: (SINGING) OH WHACKING DAY / OH WHACKING DAY / MAY GOD BESTOW HIS GRACE ON THEE.

Homer Simpson: Here you go. Official Whacking Day parking. Ten dollars per axle.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Driver Of Foreign Car: Hooray!

Barney Gumble: Take that, snake! And you, too! Snakes, snakes everywhere!

Lenny Leonard: You getting ready for Whacking Day?

Barney Gumble: What's Whacking Day?

Mayor Joe Quimby: (LOW) Did you bring the pre-whacked snakes?

Mayor Joe Quimby: Beautiful.

Homer Simpson: (SEDUCTIVELY) Well, Marge,

Homer Simpson: should I whack slow or fast?

Marge Simpson: (TURNED ON) Slow... then fast.

Homer Simpson: Uh-oh.

Lisa Simpson: Dad please, for the last time, I beg you, don't lower yourself to the level of the mob.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and air horn?

Mayor Joe Quimby: And now, to open this year's festivities, here's our Grand Marshall, (READING CARD) "The Prophet of Love"... Larry White!

Barry White: Barry White.

Mayor Joe Quimby: (CHECKING CARD) No, it says here, Larry White.

Barry White: I know my own name.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Yeah, well, we'll see.

Barry White: Ladies and Gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all. It's truly an honor to be here at this... (TO QUIMBY) ... hey, what is this all about anyway?

Barry White: Oh God no!

Barry White: You people make me sick.

Barry White: (TO QUIMBY) Were they even listening to me?

Mayor Joe Quimby: (SHAKES HEAD) I uh, don't think so. (TO CROWD) And now, let's hear it for our own Miss Springfield!

Miss Springfield: Gentlemen, start your whacking.

Dewey Largo: Ew. A bug.

Lisa Simpson: If the snakes were in here we could protect them.

Bart Simpson: (HOLDING UP BOOK) Well, according to this, snakes "hear" by sensing vibrations in the ground. So, if we put our stereo speakers on the ground and play something with a lot of bass, those snakes'll be in here like Oprah on a baked ham.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, good idea! Let's see... bass, bass... "Tiny Tim"... "The Chipmunks Greatest Hits"... "A Castrato Christmas"... (FRUSTRATED NOISE)

Barry White: (SINGING) ... CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE...

Lisa Simpson: Mr. White, can we borrow you for a minute?

Barry White: Anything for a lady.

Barry White: (TALKING OVER INTRO OF SONG) Don't bother the snakes. Leave all the snakes alone. Ah yeah. Oh babe... (SINGING) MY DARLING I... CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE. GIRL I DON'T KNOW... I DON'T KNOW WHY... CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE. / SOME THINGS I CAN'T GET USED TO / NO MATTER HOW I TRY / IT'S LIKE THE MORE YOU GIVE THE MORE I WANT / AND BABY THAT'S NO -- THAT'S NO LIE / TELL ME WHAT CAN I SAY / WHAT AM I GONNA DO? / HOW SHOULD I FEEL WHEN EVERYTHING...

Lisa Simpson: (TO SNAKES) In here!

Lenny Leonard: Hey! Where'd all the snakes go?

Bart Simpson: People of Springfield! Whacking Day is a sham!

Bart Simpson: It was started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish.

Irishman: 'Tis true! I took many a lump, but 'twas all in good fun.

Lisa Simpson: Now wait a minute. How can you people turn on snakes after all they've done for you?

Grampa Simpson: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.

Lisa Simpson: Mrs. Glick, who killed all those rats in your basement?

Old Mrs. Glick: Snake did.

Bart Simpson: And you like snakes, don't you Barry White?

Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.

Crowd: (CHANTING) Hooray for snakes! Hooray for snakes!

Mayor Joe Quimby: Look at this everyone! Twelve dead snakes!

Mayor Joe Quimby: I'm sick of you people. You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush heads.

Woman: He's right.

Man: Give us hell, Quimby.

Seymour Skinner: Bart, I'm very impressed at the independent learning you've displayed here.

Bart Simpson: Thanks, Seymour.

Seymour Skinner: (DISAPPROVING) Yes. Anyway, as a reward for your studying, I've decided to welcome you back to our school. You'll be reunited with your chums, Nelson, Jimbo, Dol... Oh dear God!

Jimbo Jones: (SENSITIVE) I guess I've always used violence as a way of gettin' attention.

Nelson Muntz: (SENSITIVE) Yes, yes, me too!

Seymour Skinner: (URGENT) Faster, Willie, faster!

Seymour Skinner: Now we give them the bikes, no one sues. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Groundskeeper Willie: What if they're dead, sir?

Seymour Skinner: Then we ride these bikes to Mexico -- and freedom, Willie! Freedom!

Groundskeeper Willie: Freedom! (CHUCKLES). (TO SELF) I'll turn ya in at the first toll booth.