Homer Simpson: (WAKES UP) Hey-hey, what--

Homer Simpson: (MOAN) Cleats.

Marge Simpson: (GROANS) Homie, what happened?

Homer Simpson: Um... maybe some easy-listening music will make you feel better about the story. Turn on eighty-nine point nine.

Homer Simpson: Like most of my problems, it all started at Moe's...

Carl Carlson: All right, so the rules are, every time the news guy says "senator," we gotta take a drink.

Lenny Leonard: It'll be nice to let someone else decide when I drink. Too much pressure.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, Channel Six tip line? I just caught two senators doin' it in the alley. And me? I'm just a reliable source. Not "sauce," "source"! Source! "S-A-U-R-C-E"!

Kent Brockman: (TOUCHES EARPIECE) We have heard from a very reliable sauce, news involving multiple senators.

Kent Brockman: I will read a list of senators...with possibly more senators...to be named later by other senators:

Kent Brockman: Senator Abercrombie, Senator Billingsley, Senator Beaumont...

Moe Szyslak: Oh damn, the plaster's flaking again.

Homer Simpson: Once intoxicated, we had a great idea.

Lenny Leonard: (WASTED) Hey, swings!

Lenny Leonard: I'm a kid again!

Carl Carlson: I'll save you!

Carl Carlson: (ANGUISHED) The only way out is in!

Homer Simpson: Hey! Look at me! I'm going up a slide!

Carl Carlson: (EGGING HIM ON) Ho-mer, Ho-mer--

Homer Simpson: Best recess ever! (FALLING NOISE)

Homer Simpson: Help me guys! Guys?

Carl Carlson: Don't worry, Homer. I'll call the cops!

Lenny Leonard: I'll write my senator!

Carl Carlson: Senator!

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) Am I gonna die on a playground, like some uncoordinated child?

Homer Simpson: (PHILOSOPHICAL) But I did learn something from all this. The sprinklers in this park come on at three a.m.

Softball Player: (SARCASTIC) Thanks for throwing the ball back. Really.

Marge Simpson: (WEARY SIGH) I'll come back with the fire truck. I just have to get the kids to school first.

Homer Simpson: Oh, are the kids with you?

Bart Simpson: Hi, Dad! / Homer.

Homer Simpson: Hey, guys! Why are you ducked down like that?

Bart Simpson: Don't want to be seen with you when you're hitting bottom.

Lisa Simpson: At least we hope it's bottom.

Homer Simpson: Don't worry. It's bottom all right.

Bart Simpson: And that's why I was tardy today.

Seymour Skinner: And with that tardiness, you have at last crossed the boundary where I can legally apply physical discipline.

Seymour Skinner: Willie! Cut me a switch!

Groundskeeper Willie: What about the one your ma used on you?

Seymour Skinner: It uh, broke on my buttocks.

Groundskeeper Willie: Serves you right for eating jam straight out of the jar.

Seymour Skinner: Dammit! That's not even a swivel chair!

Seymour Skinner: Skate! Skate! As fast as you can. / But I'll catch you, I'm the Principal Man! (BEAT) That's the kind of education you're missing.

Seymour Skinner: Oh no! Uphill! The one place my car can't go.

Body Shop Clerk: (WISEGUY) Would you like a quote?

Body Shop Clerk: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde. P.S., your car is totaled.

Bart Simpson: Whoo! Safe!

Voice: (JAILBIRD) Oh, not totally...

Bart Simpson: (TERRIFIED NOISE) Wha-- what are you doing in here?

Snake Jailbird: Hiding from the cops.

Bart Simpson: Well, I can't have cops sniffin' around here. Some of them might be girls.

Snake Jailbird: Can't I just stay a little? I only committed this robbery to help my kid.

Snake Jailbird: See, that's Jeremy. I need to get him braces. I always thought that if I'd had braces I'd have smiled more.

Bart Simpson: Hey, I bet you have a great smile.

Bart Simpson: Ay carumba!

Chief Wiggum: Bart, Bart! We're in whatchamacallit... a pursuit!

Bart Simpson: So why'd you come here? I run a respectable treehouse.

Chief Wiggum: Just wondering if you've seen anything. Word is you'll, uh, you'll snitch for candy.

Bart Simpson: You can't buy me with a candy bar that has coconut.

Chief Wiggum: Maybe this is more your neighborhood.

Bart Simpson: Nice real estate. You've got a deal.

Chief Wiggum: So, what do you know?

Bart Simpson: I saw a guy with a gun and a snake tattoo say he was gonna hide out on top of Mount Springfield.

Chief Wiggum: Mount Springfield, eh? Strap on your crampons, boys!

Chief Wiggum: Eddie! Prepare my litter!

Chief Wiggum: Lou, you are responsible for my oxygen, food, water, and cleaning! You have to clean me.

Snake Jailbird: Dude, thank you. Why did you save me?

Bart Simpson: (NODS) We outlaws have to stick together.

Snake Jailbird: Outlaw? You?

Bart Simpson: Stolen bowling shoes, 3-D glasses, Krusty standee...and this (AIR QUOTES) "cage" for my pet.

Snake Jailbird: What do you feed him?

Bart Simpson: My A.D.D. meds.

Snake Jailbird: (CHUCKLES) Listen, would you like two tickets to the school musical. (OMINOUS) My son plays the butcher... (FRIENDLY) in "Fiddler on the Roof."

Bart Simpson: (QUICK) I'm busy that night.

Snake Jailbird: Yeah, lucky you. (DISAPPEARS DOWN LADDER)

Lisa Simpson: (GASPS) Are you okay?

Lisa Simpson: Don't put more in there!

Lucas: (CHOKING) Going for record!

Lisa Simpson: What record? Stupidest death?

Lucas: (GASPS, THEN:) Merci beaucoup!

Lisa Simpson: (PLEASED) Oh, well, you're very wel--

Lucas: That's French for: Hello.

Lisa Simpson: Actually, I think it--

Lucas: Lucas Bortner, competitive eater.

Milhouse Van Houten: (TO SELF) A fat kid with a dream?! I can't compete with that!

Lisa Simpson: What does a competitive eater eat?

Lucas: All the glamor foods: pizza, boiled eggs, chicken wings, and the big enchilada, which is not enchiladas but hotdogs.

Lucas: Sixty-nine hot dogs is the current record. As the great Kobayashi says, (JAPANESE) "Detekurutoki itaiyo."

Lisa Simpson: What does that mean?

Lucas: "That's going to hurt coming out."

Lisa Simpson: Is Kobayashi the number one... um... uh...

Lucas: The correct term is "gurgitator."

Lisa Simpson: I won't be using the correct term then.

Lucas: Virtually everyone uses his technique: "Japanesing." (TEMPTING) Shall I demonstrate?

Lisa Simpson: Um, why don't I just go sit alone and--(REALIZING) Oh, you're doing it.

Lucas: Ready... set... Japanese!

Lucas: (GAGS) Nope, no. That's not going down. (GAGS UP HOTDOG CHUNKS) This happens from time to time.

Lisa Simpson: Maybe this isn't the sport for you.

Lucas: It's not a sport. It's my life.

Lisa's Thoughts: Aw, he's sweet. What am I doing? He's just Ralph with a dream. The dream of not Ralphing. But I'm sure I could totally change and fix him.

Lisa Simpson: Can I join you for lunch?

Lucas: Um, sure. How many whole pizzas would you like?

Lisa Simpson: Um, can I just have a slice?

Lucas: (IMPRESSED) Interesting technique.

Bart Simpson: Whoa.

Milhouse Van Houten: You didn't tell me you had a PlayStadium Four!

Bart Simpson: (PUZZLED) It's the first I've seen it.

Milhouse Van Houten: Something's fishy, Bart. Where's the gift receipt? Where's the packet of desiccant that says "do not eat," and believe me, you shouldn't.

Bart Simpson: (GETTING IT) I have a feeling this PlayStadium was "liberated" from its previous owner and given to me in gratitude.

Milhouse Van Houten: "Liberated?" You mean "stolen?"

Bart Simpson: You can't spell "crime" without "me."

Milhouse Van Houten: C-r-i- (SMALL GASP) there it is, at the end!

Lucas: Oh hi, is-is Lisa home?

MARGE 7: Yes, she is. And who are you?

Marge Simpson: (READING) Lucas.

Lucas: It's pronounced "Luca-dollar". That's my competition name. I'm a competitive eater.

Homer Simpson: Competitive eater? Did I hear right? I could be a competitive eater?

Marge Simpson: No! You didn't hear anything!

Homer Simpson: Yes I did! I heard "competitive eater"!

Marge Simpson: It's for people who haven't had heart problems!

Homer Simpson: (ENTERING) Then that makes me the Jackie Robinson of the sport. And you are the racist Philadelphia manager!

Marge Simpson: Quit comparing me to Ben Chapman!

Homer Simpson: I will when you open your mind to change!

Lucas: So, what should we practice: um, Vienna sausage; blueberry pie -- short form; oatmeal -- long course; freestyle baked beans; catfish; ooh! cow brains...

Lisa Simpson: Beans, beans. We'll do beans.

Patty Bouvier: Huh. Never saw the pork eat the beans before.

Marge Simpson: Actually, I'm a little surprised Lisa likes him.

Patty Bouvier: Really? "Justin Blobber" over there doesn't remind you of anyone?

Homer Simpson: Eight hundred dollars to cut me outta that slide? It's all about the money with those firemen.

Selma Bouvier: Women marry their fathers, Marge.

Selma Bouvier: So you just might be meeting your future ton-in-law.

Patty Bouvier: God bless us.

Marge Simpson: (ALARMED) You can do better!

Marge's Thoughts: My sisters are nuts. I'm happy being married to Homer. Most of the time.

Homer Simpson: What the?

Lisa Simpson: (GINGERLY) Maybe you're not cut out for competitive eating.

Lucas: (UPSET) Are you calling me not fat?

Lisa Simpson: No, I'm just, I... maybe you just haven't found the right food. Huh? How 'bout ice cream?

Lucas: (NODS) Yes! I will lay some hurt on that cream!

Lucas: Oh my God! Brain freeze! Oh my God! Kick me in the head till I pass out.

Lucas: Harder. I'm still conscious! You must kick me harder!

Adult Lisa: (SOUTHERN FOR SOME REASON) Okay honey, I made you pork chops just like you like 'em -- twenty.

Adult Lucas: (GROWNUP VOICE) Thanks, babe. Sorry you had to drop out of college to feed me full time. Now give us a kiss.

Bart Simpson: What the?

Bart Simpson: (BORED) Oh, yawn. Another freebie. (PICKY) Better be a sixty-four gig.

Bart Simpson: Huh? It's full of lame apps: Bully Avoider, Nosebook, Insta-Grandma, (GASP) This was stolen from Milhouse!

Milhouse Van Houten: From my backpack! Where Puppy Goo-Goo sleeps! Maybe it's time to tell me exactly what's going on!

Bart Simpson: Relax! Listen to the music of this bubble game.

Milhouse Van Houten: (DREAMY) So peaceful... (SHAKING HEAD) No! I won't let this go! Bart, it's time you told me how you've been getting all this stuff.

Bart Simpson: (SIGHS) I helped Snake out of a jam so he paid me back in stolen stuff. It was an honorable arrangement. But I never thought he'd steal from you.

Milhouse Van Houten: Snake, eh? I never would've suspected the one criminal in town.

Bart Simpson: You seem stressed.

Bart Simpson: You wanna suck some Squishee?

Milhouse Van Houten: Sure.

Bart Simpson: Careful. It's uncut syrup. They give it to horses before they race.

Kent Brockman: Jailbird, A.K.A. Snake -- that's his real name, Albert Knickerbocker Aloysius Snake, has been arrested for a series of thefts and may be put to death under a controversial new statute.

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we had a law stating (TOUGH) "Three strikes and you're out," but I thought it was: (PLEASANT) "You're out!" So I let people go. So now it's (TOUGH) "Four balls and you walk! Right to the electric chair!" It's, uh, much clearer, Kent.

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to ruin his life, not end it.

Bart Simpson: You ratted him out? (SMALL SCOFF) He's got a kid!

Milhouse Van Houten: A kid? (WORRIED) I was crushed when I lost my Dad and all he did was move to the Holiday Inn. (WISTFUL) I can still see him smoking on the balcony. He looked like he missed something... maybe me!

Bart Simpson: So you see, we can't let Jailbird fry.

Milhouse Van Houten: Time for the Sleepover Detectives!

Bart Simpson: I didn't say there'd be a sleepover.

Milhouse Van Houten: Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing my pajamas under my clothes.

Milhouse Van Houten: And my swimsuit under those.

Milhouse Van Houten: One day it'll all pay off.

Marge Simpson: Oh, there's my magazine. Why, look at this! (READS) "What every father should do for his daughter."

Homer Simpson: (GROANS) Marge, if you want me to do something, just tell me. Don't hide behind a magazine.

Marge Simpson: Right, right, right, right. (READING) According to Judy Kleinsmith, a professional freelance writer, fathers should take their daughters out on little dinner dates and treat them like a gentleman would. Then she'll expect the same from the men in her future!

Homer Simpson: (CAN'T BELIEVE HIS GOOD LUCK) Wait. Let me get this straight. Sit and eat? That's my punishment?

Marge Simpson: It's not a punishment. But you can't just eat dinner. You have to be gentlemanly and attentive.

Homer Simpson: Oh, I can fake attentive. I've been watching a football game this whole discussion.

Marge Simpson: Not fake attentive. Real attentive.

Homer Simpson: Okay, okay. We'll make it fun. I'll take her to that crab place. All the crabs you could smash.

Marge Simpson: You know Lisa's a vegetarian.

Homer Simpson: She can smash a salad.

Marge Simpson: (FRUSTRATED) No! Homer, you can't just do the things you want to do. You have to act like someone you'd want Lisa to marry. If you just act like yourself, she might just... (CATCHING HERSELF NOISE) Oh, you know? (MOANS)

Homer Simpson: She might marry someone like me? (REALIZING, STUNNED) You think that would be bad!?

Marge Simpson: (GENTLY) Homie, I love you. But you can be a challenge, like doing the Daily Jumble.

Homer Simpson: Marge, you are comparing me to the most infuriating thing in the newspaper!

Marge Simpson: Well, I was just trying to--

Homer Simpson: (COLDLY) I'm sleeping on Flanders' couch tonight. Ours is crap.

Homer Simpson: ...so Marge says I gotta "ask Lisa on a date."

Lenny Leonard: Sure you remember how to ask out a girl, Homer?

Carl Carlson: Yeah, you've been out of the game a long time there.

Moe Szyslak: Hey guys! Lay off Homer!

Moe Szyslak: Now you quit stallin' and call your daughter like a man!

Homer Simpson: (GROANS) Feels weird.

Carl Carlson: Just ask your daughter to have dinner with you. What is the big deal?

Carl Carlson: (SQUEALS) He's doing it! He's calling a girl!

Lenny Leonard: (QUIETLY) Omigod, omigod, omigod!

Homer Simpson: Oh, It's ringing!

Lenny Leonard: (LOUDER) Omigod, omigod, omigod!

Lisa Simpson: (OVER THE PHONE) Hello?

Homer Simpson: (SUDDENLY NERVOUS) Uh, Hello. Lisa. I know your brother and... (FRUSTRATED MOAN)

Homer Simpson: Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Carl Carlson: Calm down, calm down! She doesn't know it's you.

Carl Carlson: (SCREAMS) Hide! Hide!

Moe Szyslak: Uh, hello? Oh, sure, Liser, your Dad's right here.

Lisa Simpson: (ON PHONE) Dad? Did you just call?

Homer Simpson: Uh, yeah. Hey, listen, your mom thinks that maybe you and I should have dinner together, sometime...

Lisa Simpson: Just the two of us?

Homer Simpson: (SMALL LAUGH) Yeah, I knew you'd think it's dumb--

Lisa Simpson: I'd love that. See you tonight!

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! I got a date with my daughter!

Cletus Spuckler: Yeah, we all been there. No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.

Bart Simpson: (SINCERE) So you see, Chief, Snake wasn't stealing that stuff out of greed. He was stealing it to thank me.

Chief Wiggum: Plea denied! (CALLS O.S.) Warm up the electric chair, Lou!

Chief Wiggum: (AGGRAVATED MOAN) You're not done yet?

Lou: The instructions are in Swedish, Chief. We got this from "IKILLYA."

Snake Jailbird: Yo, I totally speak Swedish.

Chief Wiggum: Fluently?

Snake Jailbird: (SARCASTIC) Um, ja.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, do what he says, Lou.

Lou: But Chief...

Chief Wiggum: (MOCKING) But-but-but... quit arguing and give him the little wrench.

Chief Wiggum: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Let him out, Lou. Let him out!

Lou: But Chief, we've got guns, he's got a little wrench.

Chief Wiggum: It's cold!

Lou: (SIGHS, THEN QUIETLY) All right.

Snake Jailbird: Thanks for coming down, Bart. (MEANINGFUL) You won't need to save me a third time.

Bart Simpson: (HOPEFULLY) You're going straight?

Snake Jailbird: If I get caught, it's suicide by cop.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Snake Jailbird: It means I get you to shoot me, dude.

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, still sounds like a lot of paperwork.

Marge Simpson: (READS) Hair volumizer... Cologne?

Homer Simpson: (SERIOUS) Hello, Marjorie.

Marge Simpson: Homie! You look like an N.B.A. coach!

Homer Simpson: (HAUGHTY) Yes, well it's a special evening. And I thought it best not to look like a monkey.

Homer Simpson: (SERIOUS) Don't worry. I won't embarrass you. I will put my napkin in my lap. I will use the utensils provided for me. And if our food is slow in coming I will (AIR QUOTES) "blow my stack" in a manner befitting the Earl of Yarborough.

Marge Simpson: All right, you've made your point.

Homer Simpson: Hey, I can't screw this up or Lisa will get stuck with someone like me.

Marge Simpson: Homie, I don't have a problem with you. (NOTICING) Except your buttons are off one.... (HELPING HIM) Actually, this is a collar button... see? It goes like this... (FIDGETING NOISES)

Homer Simpson: (FRUSTRATED GROAN) Is there no end to your fault-finding?!

Homer Simpson: Maggie, help me with this shirt.

Lisa Simpson: So, Mr. Burns never realized it was Maggie who saved the plant?

Homer Simpson: Nope. Now, how's that drink? Can I Temple up that Shirley?

Lisa Simpson: I'm fine. (GIGGLES)

Waiter: (SNOOTY, SLIGHT ACCENT) Well, have we decided?

Homer Simpson: Uh, yeah, help me out here. What is the "normal amount" of entrees per person?

Waiter: Eh, one, sir.

Homer Simpson: I mean for adults!

Waiter: One.

Homer Simpson: No. I mean for adult males.

Waiter: Yes. I repeat, one.

Homer Simpson: (AGGRAVATED NOISE) All right, I'll have the lasagna.

Waiter: All right. Meat or vegetarian?

Homer Simpson: Oh, uh. (MOANS, SADLY) Vegetarian. (LOUD WHISPER) Can the red sauce be cow blood?

Waiter: We'll see what we can do.

Lisa Simpson: (LOOKING OFF) Is that Mom?

Marge Simpson: Homer, could you come with me for a minute?

Homer Simpson: Marge please, control your jealousy. This is your daughter!

Marge Simpson: (FIRMLY) We need to have a conversation in loud whispers.

Homer Simpson: Um. Excuse me, Lisa.

Homer Simpson: A friend from high school.

Marge Simpson: Homie, I felt terrible when you said I felt "stuck" with you. But then, I realized: I am stuck with you. I couldn't stop loving you if I tried.

Homer Simpson: I'm sorry, that's all very nice. But I can't forget what you said.

Marge Simpson: I know, Homie. I know you well enough to know you're not ready to forgive me yet. But I also know you well enough to know that this will work.

Homer Simpson: Where'd you get that dress?

Marge Simpson: Remember that sewing machine you say I never use? Well, I sold it and bought this dress!

Homer Simpson: Wow. Wow. That looks just like the dress you wore on Project Runway.

Marge Simpson: Sh-sh-sh!

Homer Simpson: Oh, right. I mean, this looks like a dress from a local Springfield store. All is forgiven. Let's have dinner.

Lisa Simpson: (POLITE COUGH) Dad, I believe we were on a date.

Marge Simpson: Oh, of course. You're right, honey. I'll just um, I'll park it at the bar.

Jimbo Jones: Well, hello!

Waiter: And your lasagna with cow blood, sir.

Homer Simpson: Thanks, Frenchy.

Waiter: I'm not French, just pissy.

Lisa Simpson: Lucas! You're not competitive eating anymore?

Lucas: No, I realized that was unrealistic.

Lisa Simpson: Well, that's a relief.

Lucas: My new goal is to become whatever Adele is.

Lucas: Just call me "Pound-Uca-Dollar."

Lisa Simpson: What if I just taught you how to whistle?

Lucas: You know how to whistle? Like with your mouth? (WHISTLES) Hey I'm doing it! I sound just like a bird!