Newsreel Announcer: The "News on Parade" Corporation presents (GRANDIOSE) ... "News... on... Parade!"... (BEAT) Corporation... News!

Newsreel Announcer: Bringing you the world of... Current Events!

Newsreel Announcer: ... New gadgets!

Newsreel Announcer: ... and Hollywood! Look! It's Amos from radio's Amos and Andy!

Amos Guy: (UPPER CLASS ENGLISH ACCENT) Hello, everybody!

Newsreel Announcer: "Springfield -- City on the Grow!"

Newsreel Announcer: It's a proud day as Springfield is declared one of America's 400 fastest-growing cities! And why not? Business is booming -- half the country wears Springfield Galoshes!

Newsreel Announcer: And say hello to the state's first Aqua-Car factory! Keep 'em coming, boys!

Newsreel Announcer: The city's even in the celebrity business -- everyone knows Professor Rubber-Mouth hails from Springfield!

Newsreel Announcer: Everybody's chipping in -- even this fella has Springfield's can-do spirit!

Newsreel Announcer: So watch out, Utica -- Springfield is a city on the grow!

Young Grampa: Feh! The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold.

Young Jasper: They are.

Panhandler: Got any spare change, man?

Grampa Simpson: Yes and you ain't gettin' it. (TO JASPER) Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'.

Grampa Simpson: I'm old. Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Homer Simpson: Hey, there's something you don't see in a toilet every day.

Homer Simpson: Anybody lose their glasses? (BEAT) Last chance. (BEAT) Woo hoo!

Homer Simpson: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining sides.

Angry Voice From Stall: That's a right triangle, you idiot.

C. Montgomery Burns: Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.

Henry Kissinger: It was fun.

Waylon Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.

Henry Kissinger: (LYING) Er, yeah, I'm sure I left them in the car.

HENRY KISSINGER'S BRAIN: No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords...

Waylon Smithers: Sir, bad news from accounting. The economy's hit us pretty hard.

C. Montgomery Burns: Hey, tough times, eh? I've lived through twelve recessions, eight panics, and five years of McKinley-nomics. I'll survive this!

Waylon Smithers: Well, even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees.

C. Montgomery Burns: (CHEERFUL) Oh! Very well -- lay off... Him, him, him, him...

C. Montgomery Burns: Hmm, better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

Bart Simpson: I'm Bart.

Lisa Simpson: Gimme those.

Scott Christian: ... and finally, Henry Kissinger was hospitalized today after walking into a wall. Now over to Kent Brockman with some grim economic news.

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors -- useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

Barney Gumble: I haven't been able to find a job in six years!

Kent Brockman: Huh, and what training do you have?

Barney Gumble: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.

Kent Brockman: The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all this squarely on you, the viewers. (POINTS TO CAMERA)

Mayor Joe Quimby: I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And uh, once elected, I will send for the rest of you.

Crowd: Boo!

Lisa Simpson: Excuse me, Mr. Mayor.

Mayor Joe Quimby: The uh chair recognizes the little chick with the gleam of hope in her eyes.

Lisa Simpson: This piggy bank contains fifteen dollars I've saved from my allowance. It isn't much, but I would like to help.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Aw, just what I need to tip the skycaps.

Grampa Simpson: I'll tell you what made this town great! Good old-fashioned gumption! There's nothing here a little elbow grease won't fix! So let's roll up our sleeves and... (FALLS ASLEEP STANDING UP, SNORES)

Mayor Joe Quimby: People! People, let's be a little more realistic...

Seymour Skinner: Now, I uh hesitate to bring this up, but a number of cities have rejuvenated their economies with uh, legalized gambling.

Seymour Skinner: Uh, there is an added bonus -- some of the revenue can go to help our under-funded public schools!

Patty Bouvier: Well, I like the part about the gambling.

Ned Flanders: What do you think, Reverend?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.

Crowd: Yay!

C. Montgomery Burns: By building a casino, I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town!

Crowd: Yay!

Crowd: Yay!

Mayor Joe Quimby: Well, now. Are there any objections?

Marge Simpson: Actually, I think it might really help our economy.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Very well, then. Instead of fleeing this town, I'll stay here and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds.

Crowd: Yay!

Marge Simpson: This could be a whole new beginning for Springfield.

Homer Simpson: And you know what the best part is? We've really done something for the children.

Mayor Joe Quimby: We're thrilled you've decided to build your casino on our waterfront.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, I'll never forget my carefree boyhood days on this old boardwalk...

Workman: (SCREAMS) (IRISH ACCENT) Why you! (TURNS AROUND) Er, Master Burns! I mean, carry on.

Workman: Ah, me leg's gone gimpy! Oh, who'll provide for me little ones?

C. Montgomery Burns: (WIPING AWAY A TEAR) What was I laughing at, now? (BEAT) Oh yes, that crippled Irishman. (BEGINS LAUGHING AGAIN)

Waylon Smithers: Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your casino.

British Guy: Gentlemen, I give you, "Britannia!"

British Guy: Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles! And best of all... the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits! Fresh from the streets of Sussex, they are! (WINKS)

British Waitress: (SCREECHY) Freshen your drink, guv'nor?

C. Montgomery Burns: Get out!

Hippie: Okay, alright, wait, now now dig this man...

C. Montgomery Burns: Get out!

Hippie: (DEVASTATED) Oh wow oh... let me just get my head together...

C. Montgomery Burns: Now!

Captain Horatio McCallister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men! We'll sail 'round The Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen!

C. Montgomery Burns: We're building a casino.

Captain Horatio McCallister: Arr. Can ye give me five minutes?

C. Montgomery Burns: Idiots. I'll design it myself. I know what people like. It's got to have sex appeal, and a catchy name.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school, and I don't know which state to go as.

Marge Simpson: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?

Lisa Simpson: No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Marge Simpson: Then how 'about going as Florida? You enjoy orange juice, and old people like you.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, what do you think?

Homer Simpson: Shhh. I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble.

Marge Simpson: Why?

Homer Simpson: I got a job at Burns' casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer.

Marge Simpson: Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on "The Gong Show." And you did it in 1977, remember?

Homer Simpson: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.

Gerry Cooney: Hello, I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns' Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please just let me know.

Otto Mann: (TRYING TO GET OUT OF THERE) Yeah, great. See ya...

Gerry Cooney: Uh, don't forget to apply for our VIP Platinum club for special discounts on...

Otto Mann: Hey! I said bug off!

Homer Simpson: (COUNTING UP HIS HAND) Uh, let's see... 18... 27... 35. Dealer busts. Looks like you all win again.

BIG TEXAN: (FOGHORN LEGHORN VOICE) Yee ha! Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it allllways brings me good luck!

Homer Simpson: Why thanks, Senator! (LOOKS AT WATCH) Oop, looks like my shift is over.

Grampa Simpson: Come on lucky seven! Papa needs a new pair of spats! I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi! Fat City, here I come!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Please throw the dice now, please now!

Grampa Simpson: Don't rush me, I have arthritis.

Croupier: Will the gentleman please roll the dice.

Grampa Simpson: (AGITATED) All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for cryin' out loud, I dropped one... Oh now it's in my shoe. Ow! Ow! Ooh! (LIMPS AWAY IN PAIN)

Ernst: A round of applause for Anastasia! She loves show business -- so much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, huh.

Gunter: Hey tiger, wake up.

Bart Simpson: (CHUCKLING) Woo Hoo! Jackpot!

Teenage Attendant: (SQUEAKY TEENAGE VOICE) Wait a minute, are you over twenty-one?

Bart Simpson: Are you?

Teenage Attendant: I'm not authorized to answer that.

Bart Simpson: By the way, your martinis suck!

Teenage Attendant: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino? In your treehouse? And get all your little friends to come? I'd like to see that. (LAUGHS)

Bart Simpson: Ah yeah, welcome... have a lucky day... um hmmm.

Teenage Attendant: Well, he certainly showed me.

Marge Simpson: Hi, Homie.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Marge, after your big tantrum against legalized gambling, I bet it feels pretty weird to be in a casino.

Marge Simpson: I was for the casino!

Homer Simpson: Strike three, Marge. I remember that meeting, and I have a photographic memory.

Marge Simpson: Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Someone: For you. It's the President.

Homer Simpson: Y'ello?

Homer Simpson: And then I said to the president... get this (LOOKING AROUND) Marge? Marge?

Marge Simpson: (TO HERSELF) I wonder if they have a lost and found. Oh, what the hey.

Bart Simpson: Hey, how's it goin'?... Hey, good to see you... Tell your friends. Lookin' lucky... Hey, what's happenin'? Love THE jacket.

Milhouse Van Houten: Behold the box of mystery! The cat goes in... uh... (TRIES TO PUSH CAT IN)

Homer Simpson: Twenty- one? Do that card-counting thing again! Come on. Do it again.

Rain Man: Definitely have to leave the table.

Homer Simpson: No! Please, please, please, please, please...

Rain Man: Gotta watch Wapner. Leave the table. Yeah, leave the table.

Homer Simpson: No!

Waylon Smithers: Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened, five days ago.

C. Montgomery Burns: Well, I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off. Nothing can stop me now. (SUDDEN WORRIED THOUGHT) Except microscopic germs. But we won't let that happen. Will we Smithers?

Waylon Smithers: (UNCOMFORTABLY) Uh... No, sir.

Gambler: Whoa, a baby on the table! That's good luck!

CRAP PLAYERS: (CHEERING) Yayyy!

Croupier: Snake eyes. Sorry.

CRAP PLAYERS: (TO MAGGIE) Booo!

Farmboy: Gawrsh! It must be exciting to live in the cas-een-oh!

Gunter: Ja!

Ernst: You know, we're having a party tonight...

Barney Gumble: Huh, Marge, you gotta watch out! Your little boy Bart coulda been eaten by that pony!

Marge Simpson: (GASPS) Oh my God, Barney, thank you. I would never have forgiven myself.

Marge Simpson: Now you stay put, young lady.

Barney Gumble: (ASIDE) Man, that's classic compulsive behavior!

Barney Gumble: Wow, free beer.

Slot Player #1: Buddy, those are my quarters!

Slot Player #2: Hey, this guy's paying off!

Krusty the Clown: I don't wanna hit a "sore" spot, but can we talk about herpes? (SINGS) "HERPES HERPES BO BERPES / BANANA FANNA FO BERPES"... HERPES! Ow! Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head? Herpes, trust me... Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? (SILENCE) You people are the worst audience I've ever seen.

Audience Member: Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen!

Krusty the Clown: Oh, great. Well we'll just sit here silently for the next ninety minutes.

Audience Member: Fine with us.

C. Montgomery Burns: (SHAKING HIS FISTS AT MONITOR) They're all covered with filthy germs, aren't they, Smithers?!

Waylon Smithers: (SINCERE) Why, what do you mean, sir?

C. Montgomery Burns: Ewww!

Homer Simpson: (TOUCHED) Marge, you waited for me.

Homer Simpson: Okay, Marge, let's go.

Marge Simpson: (TERSE) I'll catch up to you.

Homer Simpson: Marge, I'm taking the car.

Marge Simpson: I'll walk.

Homer Simpson: This late? Through the bad neighborhood?

Marge Simpson: Yeah.

Homer Simpson: Marge...

Marge Simpson: (SNAPPING) Go home. You're bad luck!

Homer Simpson: Wait. I see what's happening here. You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you. Well, that's just sad.

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED) What?!

Waylon Smithers: Um, excuse me, Ma'am. Don't you think you've gambled enough?

Marge Simpson: (GRUFFLY) No.

Waylon Smithers: Okay. We're required by law to ask every seventy-five hours. (TO GUARDS) Get her another free drink.

Lisa Simpson: Do you get the feeling this family is disintegrating? I mean we haven't had a meal with Mom all week. And she hasn't even started my costume for the Geography Pageant.

Bart Simpson: (COVERING PHONE) Pipe down, sister. I've gotta book a new act for tonight. Turns out that Liza Minelli impersonator was really Liza Minelli. (SHUDDERS)

Lisa Simpson: There's nothing to eat for breakfast.

Homer Simpson: You've gotta improvise, Lisa. (HOLDS UP EACH ITEM) Cloves, Tom Collins Mix, frozen pie crust.

Lisa Simpson: Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her. We could go down to the casino and let her know.

Homer Simpson: Ah, come on, Lisa, there's no reason to... (TAKES A BITE AND FREEZES)Let's go see Mom.

Homer Simpson: Marge, we need to talk. You're spending too much time at the casino, and I think you may have a problem...

Marge Simpson: I won sixty dollars last night.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! Problem solved! (GRABS MONEY)

C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes.

Waylon Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Model?

Lisa Simpson: Mommm!

Homer Simpson: (WAKING UP) Huh? Wuh? Lisa? What's up?

Lisa Simpson: I just had a bad dream.

Homer Simpson: Aw, sure... you just lie down and tell me all about it.

Lisa Simpson: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the Boogeyman was after me and he's hiding...

Homer Simpson: (SCREAM) Boogeyman?! You nail the windows shut! I'll get the gun!

Homer Simpson: (TREMBLING) Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a Boogeyman or Boogeymen in the house!

Marge Simpson: What happened here?

Homer Simpson: (SARCASTIC) Oh, nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the Boogeyman. Of course, none of this would've happened if you'd been here to keep me from acting stupid.

Marge Simpson: Oh, I'm sorry. I have been spending too much time at the casino. I'll be around more from now on.

Lisa Simpson: Does this mean you'll help me with my costume?

Marge Simpson: Sure, honey. I promise.

Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Mom.

Homer Simpson: Aw. Just like on TV.

Robert Goulet: Hi. Are you from the casino?

Bart Simpson: I'm from a casino.

Robert Goulet: Good enough. Let's go.

Waylon Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, Sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.

Nelson Muntz: (MAKING FIST, MENACING) Your manager says for you to shut up!

Robert Goulet: Vera said that? Hmmm.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume, and she's not and the Geography Pageant is tonight.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just that she has a career, now. She's a slot jockey.

Lisa Simpson: But Dad, if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida, I'll be the laughing stock of the whole school.

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) It's always something isn't it? First, I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you, and now this.

Homer Simpson: Ow...ow...ow...ow.

Homer Simpson: (QUICKLY) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! (CONTINUES)

Lisa Simpson: Dad!

Homer Simpson: (LAUGHS, STOPS WELDING) Oh yeah, the costume.

Homer Simpson: Hello, Floreeda.

Lisa Simpson: (GASP) I'm not a state, I'm a monster! (BURSTS INTO TEARS)

Homer Simpson: (GENUINELY UPSET) No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor. And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws.

Homer Simpson: (SHOUTING) Marge! Where are you?! Damn this casino! Damn this casino!

Wheelman: Double stars. Everybody wins.

Croupier: Seven. Lucky seven.

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Can't talk now.

C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers! I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino!

Waylon Smithers: Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: (SAD) Oh, my beloved plant... How I miss her.

C. Montgomery Burns: Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath! (LIFTING HIS FOOT) And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!

Waylon Smithers: Certainly, sir. And the jars of urine?

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, we'll hang on to those. Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose. (HOLDS UP MODEL) Hop in.

Waylon Smithers: But sir...

C. Montgomery Burns: I said, hop in.

Marge Simpson: Homer! What is it? Slow down.

Marge Simpson: Think before you say each word.

Homer Simpson: (POINTING ACCUSINGLY) You broke a promise to your child.

Marge Simpson: What?

Homer Simpson: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry, then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trooper.

Marge Simpson: (GASP) Lisa's costume. (SIGH) Homer, I didn't realize. I'm so sorry.

Homer Simpson: Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem.

Marge Simpson: You know, you're right, Homer. Maybe I should get some professional help.

Homer Simpson: No no, that's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore.

Robert Goulet: JINGLE BELLS / BATMAN SMELLS / ROBIN LAID AN EGG! / BATMOBILE LOST ITS WHEEL / AND THE JOKER GOT AWAY! HEY! Thank you... Thank you very much.

Robert Goulet: Ooh. I'm sorry, kid.

Seymour Skinner: And special awards go to the two students who obviously had no help from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.

Ralph Wiggum: I'm Idaho.

Seymour Skinner: Yes, of course you are.

Homer Simpson: You know, Marge, for the first time in our marriage, I can finally look down my nose at you. (SAVORING) You have a gambling problem.

Marge Simpson: That's true. Will you forgive me?

Homer Simpson: Oh sure... Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears?

Homer Simpson: Well, that's nothing, because you have a gambling problem! And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house 'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus?

Homer Simpson: Well, you have a gambling problem!

Marge Simpson: Homer, when you forgive someone, you can't throw it back at them like that.

Homer Simpson: Aw, what a gyp.

Homer Simpson: And remember when I...

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: Oh yeah. I forgot already.