Homer-Ape: (INSPIRED) Oooh.

Homer-Ape: (ADJUSTING HIMSELF) Ahhh.

Homer Simpson: (APE NOISES, INTO:) Y'ello.

Lisa Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Dad, I'm calling about the school talent show.

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Don't worry, I know it's tonight.

Lisa Simpson: (URGENTLY) No. Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Homer Simpson: Uh... isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?

Lisa Simpson: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

Homer Simpson: Wow! And after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me. Uh huh, yeah, number four and a half reed.

Seymour Skinner: Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight. I'd like to point out that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show after your own child has performed. Oh, and let me caution the people in the first five rows, you will get wet.

Homer Simpson: Whew! Just in the nick of... mmm, beer?

Homer Simpson: Hurry, Moe, hurry! I've only got five minutes till the music store closes.

Moe Szyslak: Why don't you go there first?

Homer Simpson: Hey, do I tell you how to do your job?

Moe Szyslak: Sorry, Homer.

Homer Simpson: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top.

Moe Szyslak: Sorry, Homer.

Lunchlady Doris: This is a whole lotta nothin'.

Groundskeeper Willie: (ANGRY) I'd rather be watching the boilers!

Seymour Skinner: Oh well, make sure you return those chairs to the cafeteria, Kim. I'm not kidding.

Homer Simpson: (LOOKING AT WATCH) Ah. Finished with fifteen seconds to spare.

Little Man: (CONCERNED) What's the matter, buddy?

Homer Simpson: The moron next door closed early!

Little Man: (STIFFENING) I happen to be that moron.

Homer Simpson: Oh, me and my trenchant mouth.

Seymour Skinner: Terrible, just terrible. You know, they seem to get worse every year.

Seymour Skinner: Wonderful. You know, I think this is the best batch we've ever had. I really do. And now, here's Bart Simpson, The Boy of a Thousand Voices.

Bart Simpson: I'd like to open with my impression of Principal Skinner.

Bart Simpson: (IDIOT VOICE) Duh, look at me, I'm Principal Skinner.

Seymour Skinner: That young man just became the Boy of a Thousand Days Detention.

Bart Simpson: (NORMAL VOICE) Hey, it's Lunchlady Doris. I wonder what she's got for us today. (HOLDING NOSE) Today's special is refried dog poop.

Homer Simpson: Please, you've got to open that store.

Little Man: Let me think about it... Eh... No.

Homer Simpson: Okay, okay. But I want you to see a picture of the little girl you're disappointing. (GOES THROUGH HIS WALLET) Well I don't have one.

Moe Szyslak: (TO LITTLE MAN) Come on, Jer. Open up. Be a pal. Remember when I pulled you and your wife out of that burning car?

Little Man: (GRUDGINGLY) Okay. Okay. But now we're even. (TO HOMER) So what does your daughter need?

Homer Simpson: (SMOOTHLY) I'll have you know, I wrote it down.

Homer Simpson: Number Four and a half -- Stupid gum!

Homer Simpson: Number Four and a Half reed! Whoo hoo!

Little Man: Uh-huh. And what instrument does she play?

Homer Simpson: (SUNK) I dunno.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, where is he? If I don't get that reed I'll sound terrible.

Marge Simpson: Don't worry, honey, I'm sure your father is...

Marge Simpson: Maybe.

Marge Simpson: No.

Marge Simpson: That's a long shot.

Marge Simpson: Bingo.

Marge Simpson: Don't worry, he'll be here.

Little Man: Clarinet?

Homer Simpson: No.

Little Man: Oboe?

Homer Simpson: No.

Little Man: Saxophone?

Homer Simpson: No!... Wait a minute. What was that last one again?

Little Man: Saxophone?

Homer Simpson: Hmm. (IMITATING HIMSELF, ANGRY) "Lisa stop playing that stupid... saxophone!" Yes! That's it!

Little Man: Alto or tenor?

Chuck: (SINGING) My ding-a-ling / My ding-a-ling / I want you to play with my ding-a-ling --

Seymour Skinner: This act is over! (CLEARS THROAT) Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to put this filth behind us, and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of "Stormy Leather -- ah, Weather."

Nelson Muntz: Haw haw!

Nelson Muntz: Haw haw.

Groundskeeper Willie: Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawnmower.

Homer Simpson: Whew, I'd hate to be that kid's father.

Homer Simpson: Uh-oh.

Seymour Skinner: That'll do.

Lisa Simpson: (SADLY) It's not my fault. It's the reed.

Seymour Skinner: (VERY PATRONIZING) Oh yes, of course. It's the reed.

Seymour Skinner: Let's hear it for Lisa Simpson and her wacky sax.

Homer Simpson: Yeah! Woo! Woo! Yeah!

Teenager: Okay, who ordered the Mount Bellyache?

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) I ordered it for my little girl. Heh... heh.

Lisa Simpson: I'm done.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) That cost eighty-eight dollars!

Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry dad, I don't feel much like eating.

Homer Simpson: Look, I let you down and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it right, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Lisa Simpson: I forgive you.

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT) You didn't mean that!

Lisa Simpson: No. I didn't.

Marge Simpson: Look Homer, Lisa's taking her first steps.

Young Homer: (NOT LOOKING UP) You taping it?

Marge Simpson: Yes.

Young Homer: I'll watch it later.

Baby Lisa: Da-da. Da-da.

Marge Simpson: Did you hear that, Homer?

Young Homer: Marge, please, I'm busy.

Homer Simpson: No wonder she hates me. (MOANS) I never even noticed that she was alive.

Marge Simpson: Homer, if you want to make up with Lisa just spend some time with her.

Homer Simpson: (LONG PAINFUL MOAN) Okay.

Homer Simpson: Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start with Maggie.

Marge Simpson: Homie, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. If you keep spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you.

Homer Simpson: Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm gonna -- you know -- go fruity. (MAKES FLITTING GESTURES) No, you were right the first time with that quick fix idea. Let's see, quick fix, quick fix. Ah, I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for.

Marge Simpson: We can't afford to buy a pony.

Homer Simpson: (SAGELY) Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.

Marge Simpson: That's ridiculous.

Homer Simpson: Marge, I've got to get her a pony. When I look in Lisa's eyes, I don't see love anymore.

Marge Simpson: That's no reason to buy a pony!

Homer Simpson: See, even when you yell at me, I can see love in your eyes.

Marge Simpson: Stick to the subject.

Homer Simpson: Ha ha, you love me.

Marge Simpson: (SIGHS) Let's be realistic. A pony is very expensive and we have enough trouble paying bills as it is.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Marge Simpson: You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't.

Homer Simpson: Mm.

Marge Simpson: What was that? Was that a yes or a no?

Homer Simpson: Buh.

Marge Simpson: Those aren't even words!

Homer Simpson: Sneh.

Salesclerk: (CHARLES BRONSON VOICE) Oh my, what is that smell?

Salesclerk: Oh, it's you.

Homer Simpson: Excuse me, do you sell ponies?

Salesclerk: Uh, sure pal, right here.

Homer Simpson: (READING LABEL) "Scot-tish deer-hound." Hey, this is a dog!

Salesclerk: My friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for. I suggest you try the pony farm on Route 401. Merely take a left at the rendering plant.

Homer Simpson: Now lady, I'm buying this pony for my little girl, and I don't care what it costs.

Millicent: (POINTING TO PONY) Very good. That stunning creature over there is half a million dollars.

Homer Simpson: (SHOCKED) Half a million dollars?!

Millicent: He was sired by Seattle Slew and his mother won the Kentucky Derby.

Homer Simpson: Wow!

Millicent: His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania...

Homer Simpson: I'll take it!

Millicent: (DUBIOUS) Mr. Simpson, do you have half a million dollars?

Homer Simpson: Uh, sure... let me write you a check.

Millicent: Mr. Simpson, this check is dated January 1, 2054.

Homer Simpson: Is there a problem with that?

Millicent: (COLDLY) Our ponies start at five thousand dollars. Cash.

Homer Simpson: (WEAKLY) Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?

Millicent: I sincerely hope not.

Homer Simpson: I-I'd like to borrow five thousand dollars.

Female Clerk: Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.

C. Montgomery Burns: Hel-lo.

C. Montgomery Burns: (LOOKING AT FORM) Simpson, eh? How can I help you?

Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns, you do this personally?

C. Montgomery Burns: It's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no. By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?

Homer Simpson: (STRUGGLING WITH WORD) U-su-ry?

C. Montgomery Burns: Silly me, I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?

Homer Simpson: I want to buy a pony.

C. Montgomery Burns: Isn't that cute? Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set. (SUSPICIOUS) That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?

Homer Simpson: No. I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more.

Waylon Smithers: Shut up, Simpson.

Homer Simpson: Sorry.

Waylon Smithers: Do you have any collateral?

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. (SLIDING FORM TO HOMER) Just sign this form and the money will be yours.

C. Montgomery Burns: (COVERING) Sorry, I was just, uh, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.

Waylon Smithers: I didn't do anything funny, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Shut up.

Millicent: Mr. Simpson, are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony?

Homer Simpson: (GRUNTING) Of course.

Homer Simpson: Simpson, you've done it again.

Lisa Simpson: I love you, Dad!

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED MURMUR) I am very upset with you.

Homer Simpson: (COYLY) Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own.

Bart Simpson: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?

Homer Simpson: Because she stopped loving me.

Bart Simpson: I don't love you either. So give me a moped.

Homer Simpson: I know you love me. So you don't get squat. Hee hee hee hee.

Lisa Simpson: Snowball II... Santa's Little Helper... this is Princess. Please don't exclude her because she's different.

Marge Simpson: (ANGRY) Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?

Homer Simpson: (SMUGLY) I've got it all figured out. By day it will roam free around the neighborhood. And at night it will nestle snugly between the cars in our garage.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, no!

Marge Simpson: That's illegal.

Homer Simpson: That's for the courts to decide. (CORNER OF HIS MOUTH) Marge, she loves me.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I think Princess belongs in a stable.

Homer Simpson: Stable? (TO HIMSELF) That sounds expensive.

Homer Simpson: (SHUDDERS) This is what love costs a month?

Millicent: These are standard stable fees, Mr. Simpson. Plus, I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming, and at no extra charge, pronunciation.

Lisa Simpson: (LIKE KATHARINE HEPBURN) Father, you've made me the happiest girl who ever lived.

Homer Simpson: Oh nuts.

Grampa Simpson: (PANICKED) What do I do? What do I do?

Bart Simpson: Grampa, if you wanna go right...

Grampa Simpson: Yes...

Bart Simpson: ... move your joystick to the left.

Grampa Simpson: Yes, move the... what's a joystick? You didn't tell me...

Bart Simpson: Uh-oh, here comes a Xylon cruiser. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go into hyperspace! Ready, hit it!

Grampa Simpson: Wait. Where's the Hyperspace?

Bart Simpson: Grampa, you're the spaceship, not the...

Grampa Simpson: I'm the what? I thought I was this guy. Ohhh.

Bart Simpson: (GROANS) Game's over, Grampa.

Grampa Simpson: (BITTERLY) I got down on the floor for this?

Lisa Simpson: Wait, Dad, I've got something for you.

Homer Simpson: (TO SELF) I was hoping it'd be money.

Marge Simpson: Hmm, oh dear, we're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.

Homer Simpson: Well you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

Marge Simpson: Actually, I was thinking we could cut down on your beer.

Homer Simpson: Nah, we're not gonna be doing that.

Marge Simpson: Then I'm afraid there's no choice but to give up the pony back.

Homer Simpson: First you didn't want me to get the pony. Now, you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.

Marge Simpson: Homer...

Homer Simpson: Marge, Lisa loves me, the pony stays.

Marge Simpson: All right. You got us into this, you get us out.

Homer Simpson: Fine, I will. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to work for it.

Homer Simpson: Do you have any jewelry you don't need anymore?

Lisa Simpson: You're so beautiful.

Lisa Simpson: Oh look. You haven't touched your salt lick. Num num, good salt lick.

Homer Simpson: Need money. Need money.

Homer Simpson: One Scratch-for-Cash, please.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Here you go.

Homer Simpson: Liberty Bell... (GASPS) Two Liberty Bells... come on, come on, come on... (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. (THEN) Yes! Whoo-hoo! Three Liberty Bells! (SLYLY) That'll be TEN thousand dollars, Apu.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh congratulations, Mr. Homer!

Homer Simpson: Thank you.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: If I could just see the ticket...

Homer Simpson: There it is.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Please to be removing your thumb.

Homer Simpson: No.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes. Please, I must insist...

Homer Simpson: No! No!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I've got to look at the ticket

Homer Simpson: No! You can't see... come on!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes, I must...

Homer Simpson: No!

Homer Simpson: Let go. You're ripping it.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (GASPS) A cherry! Oh, Mr. Homer, what has reduced you to such cheap chicanery?

Homer Simpson: Ohh... I need money.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Well, if you need money you should have at least jammed a gun in my head or better yet you could inquire about my "Help Wanted" sign.

Homer Simpson: You're looking for help?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes. We need someone for the demanding, yet high-profile midnight to eight a.m. shift.

Homer Simpson: I'm your man!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: You're hired.

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (PROUDLY) Always I dreamed the day would come when one of you would be working for me!

Kevin: She certainly tamed that horse.

Ralph Wiggum: Yes, but what man can tame her?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I won't lie to you. On this job you will be shot at.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Each of these bullet wounds is a badge of honor.

Homer Simpson: (TAKING NOTES) ...Badge of honor.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Here's a pointer: try to take it in the shoulder.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental. (CHUCKLES) There's only one bozo who comes in and buys them.

Homer Simpson: But I eat... (REALIZING) Oh.

Homer Simpson: Heh heh, the perfect crime.

Marge Simpson: Homer, where have you been? I was so worried.

Homer Simpson: Marge, could we go in the other room? I did something last night I'm not proud of and I don't want the kids to hear it.

Bart Simpson: Busted!

Homer Simpson: I'll work form midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to spend as I please. Then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.

Bart Simpson: Oh my God, she killed him.

Homer Simpson: Mmm... salty.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Homer, are you stealing Squishees?

Homer Simpson: No sir.

Lisa Simpson: This next song is also about a girl and her pony. It's called "Wildfire."

Princess Kashmir: Come on, Apu honey, loosen up.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (MOANING) I'm sorry, baby. While I am here pleasuring you, my store is going down the tubes.

Ned Flanders: (QUIETLY) Three dollars and fifty-one... fifty-two... fifty-three cents.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (SHARPLY) Homer! You are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on the dairy products.

Homer Simpson: (QUIETLY) Yes sir.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (TO PRINCESS KASHMIR) Sorry baby, date's over.

Marge Simpson: Homie, how long do you plan to do this?

Homer Simpson: (EXHAUSTED) I don't know. How long do horses live?

Marge Simpson: Thirty years?

Homer Simpson: Mustn't sleep. Must monitor core.

Homer Simpson: Y'ello.

Lisa Simpson: I just called to say I love you, Dad.

Homer Simpson: Thanks. (HANGS UP, PUTS FEET BACK UP) When is she gonna stop loving me?

Johnny Carson: I just heard Millie Vanillie was just arrested for impersonating a McNugget.

Johnny Carson: Well, it's true.

Bart Simpson: Well, it's still fun to be up late.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer, where ya goin'?

Homer Simpson: (STILTED) Going for... eight hour walk.

Marge Simpson: Homer? Homer!

Homer Simpson: (WAVES HER OFF) Homer sleep now.

Lisa Simpson: What's wrong with Dad?

Marge Simpson: He's just exhausted. Lisa, do you know how much it costs to keep a pony?

Lisa Simpson: No.

Marge Simpson: Well, it's a lot. In fact, your father had to take a second job.

Bart Simpson: The poor guy. Where's he working?

Marge Simpson: The Kwik-E-Mart.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up.

Lisa Simpson: You're gonna make me give up Princess?

Marge Simpson: Lisa, we can't make you give up that pony.

Bart Simpson: I can make her. (PUNCHES FIST) Just give me five minutes alone with her.

Marge Simpson: No, Bart. No one's going to make her. This is something Lisa has to decide for herself.

Lisa Simpson: All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult has blown up in my face.

Bart Simpson: Hey, (WHISTLES) pink hat, when I ordered that blueberry squishee, I meant today.

Homer Simpson: Coming right up, sir.

Bart Simpson: And fill it to the top this time. (LAUGHS)

Homer Simpson: Yes, sir.

Lisa Simpson: (TO MILLICENT, TEARY EYED) She likes a little carrot after her oats. And she really likes it when you scratch her behind the ear. And if you're playing the radio, she likes contemporary adult in the morning and easy listening at night. Please take good care of my Princess.

Millicent: Although there is no change in my patrician facade, I can assure you my heart is breaking.

Lisa Simpson: I'll never forget you.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: What--- wha, da, you call this melted cheese receptacle clean? Eh, the young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, you don't have to do this.

Homer Simpson: (AS IF TO A CHILD) Yes I do. You see Lisa, grownups have a thing called money...

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I understand the sacrifice you've made for me. That's why I gave up the pony.

Homer Simpson: You did?

Lisa Simpson: Hmmm hmmm. There's a big dumb animal I love even more than that horse.

Homer Simpson: Oh no! What is it, a hippopotamus!

Lisa Simpson: I mean you, you dummy.

Homer Simpson: Awww.

Homer Simpson: Apu. You can take this job and re-staff it!

Lisa Simpson: Giddyup, Dad.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (TO HIMSELF) He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers... still, there goes the best damn employee a convenience store ever had.