Lisa Simpson: (SINGS) ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER THAT YOU'LL EVER DO...

Lisa Simpson: (SINGS) TWO CAN BE AS BAD AS ONE / IT'S THE LONELIEST NUMBER SINCE THE NUMBER ONE...

Lisa Simpson: (SINGS) NO IS THE SADDEST EXPERIENCE YOU'LL EVER KNOW / YES, IT'S THE SADDEST EXPERIENCE YOU'LL EVER KNOW...

Lisa Simpson: (SINGS) 'CAUSE ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER THAT YOU'LL EVER DO / ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER, WORSE THAN TWO... AND ONE-- (SPOKEN) You know, I really think I've made the point.

Groundskeeper Willie: (PANICKED) The rain has washed away the playground shed!

Dewey Largo: I'm being chased by sports!

Seymour Skinner: (GRIM) It's called "precipitation," because it never fails to precipitate unruly behavior.

Seymour Skinner: ...doomed to get only single pneumonia.

Lisa Simpson: A spitwad?

Lisa Simpson: Well, at least I'm getting some attention.

Bart Simpson: (TO SELF) And the best part is I'm bombarding her with her own homework. (CHUCKLES)

Lisa Simpson: Begone!

Lisa Simpson: (UPBEAT) Well, you're never alone surrounded by (PICKS UP BOOK) "The Autobiography of Charles Manson." (SCARED NOISE)

Isabel Gutierrez: Hi. New kid, second grade, don't you love the rain?

Lisa Simpson: (GASPS) New kid? (HOPEFUL) Um, have you made any friends?

Isabel Gutierrez: Just Charlotte, Emily and Anne.

Lisa Simpson: (GASPS) That's a reference to the Brontë sisters!

Isabel Gutierrez: (GASPS) You got my reference to the Brontë sisters!

Isabel Gutierrez: Nice to meet you, Lisa Simpson.

Lisa Simpson: (STUNNED) How do you know my name?

Isabel Gutierrez: I deciphered the anagrams on your notebook.

Lisa Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Oh.

Isabel Gutierrez: (POINTS) Be Lisa?

Lisa Simpson: (QUICK DECIPHERING NOISES) Isabel!

Homer Simpson: Ooh, spaghetti.

Homer Simpson: (ANSWERING PHONE) Y'ello! Lisa, you got a call from someone named Isabel.

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) May I ask what this is regarding? (LISTENS) Oooh, a budding new friendship? Oooh! (HANDS PHONE TO LISA) Boy, how come you can't get a new friend?

Bart Simpson: What's wrong with the one I got?

Milhouse Van Houten: (ENTERS) I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear. I remembered correctly, it was a green one!

Homer's Thoughts: Don't eat it. It's been in his ear. Don't eat it. It's been in his ear.

Homer's Thoughts: Don't eat it. It's been in the boy's ear and the dog's mouth. Don't eat it.

Marge Simpson: Oh, for God's sake.

Lisa Simpson: And don't you hate being the middle child?

Isabel Gutierrez: Yeah, in the car, I always have to sit on the hump. It makes reading impossible.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, your food's getting cold!

Lisa Simpson: It's raw veggies, they're supposed to be cold!

Marge Simpson: Well, someone who loves you put melted butter on them!

Marge Simpson: Thank you, Mr. Bergstrom. I'll tell Lisa you dropped by.

Lisa Simpson: (INTO PHONE) I'd better go.

Isabel Gutierrez: Okay, but one more thing: I noticed we're both doing presentations on Franklin Roosevelt at school.

Isabel Gutierrez: Why don't we do them together?

Lisa Simpson: (WHISPERS TO SELF) Oh my God. Someone wants to be my partner. Can't screw this up.

Isabel Gutierrez: Downloading, downloading, downloading, downloading, downloading...

Isabel Gutierrez: Woo-hoo!

Lisa Simpson: (CLEARS THROAT, BEGINS) Franklin Roosevelt bravely instituted a series of reforms called the New Deal...

Isabel Gutierrez: ...which ran totally counter to America's tradition of limited government. P.S.: It was also unconstitutional.

Lisa Simpson: F.D.R.'s steadfast leadership also helped America win World War Two...

Isabel Gutierrez: ...until the weak-kneed Democrats sold us out at Yalta. If you haven't guessed, Lisa -- I'm a Republican.

Lisa Simpson: (HOPEFUL) A Lincoln Republican?

Isabel Gutierrez: Not really.

Lisa Simpson: A Reagan Republican?

Isabel Gutierrez: Keep going.

Lisa Simpson: First President Bush?

Isabel Gutierrez: Gettin' there.

Lisa Simpson: (STUNNED) Oh, dear God.

Seymour Skinner: (CHUCKLES) I must say, Lisa, it was amusing to see you thoroughly de-high-horsed.

Lisa Simpson: That isn't a word.

Seymour Skinner: Oooh, back on the saddle she climbs.

Lisa Simpson: I just can't believe someone like you would be a Republican. I mean, isn't your last name Gutiérrez?

Isabel Gutierrez: Just what exactly are you saying?

Lisa Simpson: I'm just saying that people of your heritage... which could be any one of many heritages, I'm not pigeonholing... is it a Catholic thing?

Isabel Gutierrez: I'm a non-observant Jew from Argentina.

Bart Simpson: (PASSING BY) Ay carumba!

Isabel Gutierrez: Do you even know what that means?

Bart Simpson: Um... there's, there's a carumba in my eye?

Isabel Gutierrez: It's the Spanish version of "hot damn."

Bart Simpson: Ay carumba!

Marge Simpson: Lisa? Is everything okay?

Lisa Simpson: Yes, why?

Marge Simpson: Because you're doing your homework and you don't look happy.

Lisa Simpson: (SIGHS) My new best friend isn't what I thought. She's a... (CAN BARELY GET IT OUT) Republican.

Lisa Simpson: What is so funny? They're destroying the world!

Marge Simpson: They are, huh?

Marge Simpson: I thought I'd show you this when you were older, but...

Lisa Simpson: You voted for Reagan?!

Marge Simpson: It was a crazy time, the eighties.

Marge Simpson: You don't hear me listening to the Thompson Twins anymore. Although...

Lisa Simpson: So... you were going through a phase?

Homer Simpson: All right, eighties party! Where's the beef? Tear down that wall! Because I think the beef is behind that wall!

Homer Simpson: Now get up here, boy! We're gonna do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Bart Simpson: (ENTERING ATTIC) No! You never let me be Mike Singletary!

Homer Simpson: Fine. You're Mike Singletary. Enjoy your mediocre coaching career.

Homer Simpson: (RAPPING) MY NAME IS HOMER / I'M A REAL FULL BACK / GONNA RUN THAT BALL / DON'T WANT NO FLACK...

Bart Simpson: (RAPPING) IF YOU TRY TO RUN / YOU'LL GET A HEART ATTACK...

Homer Simpson: Why you little-- (CHOKES BART)

Bart Simpson: (RAPPING) HEY BIG MAN / DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE / (CHOKING) I'M JUST HERE TO DO THE SUPER BOWL... (DYING) SHUFFLE...

Homer Simpson: Excuse me.

Marge Simpson: People's views change. Bobby Kennedy worked for Joe McCarthy. Larry David was on Fridays.

Lisa Simpson: What are you trying to say?

Marge Simpson: Isabel's only eight. As she grows up, surprising things will happen to her body... of beliefs. But she could always use a friend like you.

Isabel Gutierrez: (LISA) Isabel?! / (ISABEL) Lisa?!

Lisa Simpson: Listen, I'm really sorry about...

Isabel Gutierrez: No, it's okay. My Mom says you're just going through a liberal phase.

Lisa Simpson: What?! My Mom says you're going through a conservative phase!

Isabel Gutierrez: There's no such thing. Conservatives only get more conservative! Because every year they get a little further through "Atlas Shrugged."

Lisa Simpson: Listen, we're both eight years old. Can't we just play Monopoly or something?

Isabel Gutierrez: (HAPPILY) My father owns a monopoly!

The Rich Texan: That young filly is exactly the kind of candidate we need to start recruitin': she's a young, dynamic (CORRECTLY PRONOUNCING) Latina. Yee-haw! I said that just right!

Dracula: Without the Hispanic vote, even Texas is poised to turn blue. (À LA DRACULA) Bluuuue!

Rainier Wolfcastle: Yeah, we must reach her, and groom her, before she fattens up like Chris Christie. He thinks G.O.P. stands for Gravy on Pancakes!

Rainier Wolfcastle: (GRIM) But despite my mirthful remarks, obesity is no laughing matter.

Lisa Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Just can't resist those words "signup sheet." (SIGNS SHEET) Oh, looks like I'll be running against Isabel. And Ralph?!

Ralph Wiggum: Just call me Ralph Nader! I don't know why.

Lisa Simpson: Isabel! I want this campaign to be about the issues: same-sex fieldtrip buddies, providing class pets with a path to citizenship...

Nelson Muntz: And no digging up past relationships. Sure, Lisa and I dated. Sure, she broke my heart. I'm sure your researchers know all about it.

Isabel Gutierrez: This is the first I've heard of it.

Nelson Muntz: (HURT) Really? But I got this!

Lisa Simpson: (DISGUSTED NOISE) Ew. How long has it been since you washed your stomach?

Nelson Muntz: You can't ask that anymore!

Nelson Muntz: Quit shoving me.

C. Montgomery Burns: I'd like a word with you, young lady.

Isabel Gutierrez: How did you get in there?

C. Montgomery Burns: Slid in through the grates.

C. Montgomery Burns: Here's the "scoop." You're our future so we can't afford to have you lose. And I love the Spanish, from the Inquisition to the delightful Franco years.

Isabel Gutierrez: What are you talking about?

Krusty the Clown: Move over. I know how to talk to kids. (AS IF EXPLAINING TO CHILD) We wanna give you a little present: a tainted victory that will haunt you forever!

Isabel Gutierrez: I'd rather do this myself.

C. Montgomery Burns: (THUNDERING) But who'd own you then?!

Isabel Gutierrez: You couldn't buy me with a wheelbarrow full of ice cream!

Dracula: (SARCASTIC) Whoa, nicely done. You've charmed another one right into the arms of the Libertarian Party.

Rainier Wolfcastle: Maybe we can help her without her knowing we're helping her.

C. Montgomery Burns: No one says I can't buy a second grade election. Why, I had enough money to fix People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive."

C. Montgomery Burns: Most of the money went to convincing them that I was "alive."

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Who ordered the Yumboni?

C. Montgomery Burns: Right here! Now, Smithers. I want you to eat this for me, describe every taste, and don't forget the brain freeze!

Waylon Smithers: Sir, I am lactose-intolerant.

C. Montgomery Burns: And I'm backtalk-allergic! So start eating!

Marge Simpson: Have a great day, kids. And Bart, I'll pick you up after school to take you to karate lessons.

Bart Simpson: Mom, after six weeks, I figured out that "Sensei Weinstein" is really my psychiatrist.

Marge Simpson: Either way for forty-five minutes you're not my problem, sweetie.

Otto Mann: Don't worry, Lisa, despite the paid ad, I'm strictly middle of the road.

Drivers: Idiot! / Pick a lane!

Lisa Simpson: What are you doing?!

Isabel Gutierrez: I'm as bewildered as you are. I don't know why, but the Springfield Republican Party is grooming me.

Pigsty: Grooming? Yuck!

Isabel Gutierrez: Unfortunately, I can't stop it. The Supreme Court says spending money is free speech.

Lisa Simpson: Well then you could use your free speech to denounce this intrusion of big money into our election.

Isabel Gutierrez: I'll think about it while I'm on my listening tour of the cafeteria.

Lisa Simpson: (TIPSY) Pour me another.

Lisa Simpson: What are ya doing? S'imaginary.

Lisa Simpson: Fine. (STANDS UP UNSTEADILY) I gotta go.

Lisa Simpson: I'll see you later.

Bart Simpson: Ay carumba.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, I need you to help me win the election.

Bart Simpson: I can help, but it's gonna get rough.

Lisa Simpson: I'm fine with rough.

Bart Simpson: You don't know what rough is.

Bart Simpson: That ain't rough. (GETS SLAPPED AGAIN) More like a gentle breeze.

Bart Simpson: Maggie hits harder.

Bart Simpson: Did the goodnight pixie just kiss my cheek?

Bart Simpson: (SHORT BEAT, THEN:) Okay. You got my attention.

Bart Simpson: You wanna win this election? Then from now on, you do exactly what I say.

Lisa Simpson: You got it.

Bart Simpson: First go make me five pans of brownies.

Lisa Simpson: (ANNOYED) You're just taking advantage of the situation.

Bart Simpson: Maybe Isabel likes baking.

Lisa Simpson: (SURRENDERING) Cakey or gooey?

Lisa Simpson: I'll make both.

Bart Simpson: (TO LISA) First we reel them in, then we scare the hell out of them.

Lisa Simpson: By discussing the school's budget crisis?

Bart Simpson: No, with balls to the head.

Coach Krupt: Bombardment!

Database: I associate Isabel with a pain in my tummy.

Coach Krupt: Bombardment?

Milhouse Van Houten: Miss Simpson, your platform calls for the creation of a student-run garden.

Lisa Simpson: Organic gardening is an essential part of twenty-first century education, teaching both hands-on--

Bart Simpson: (CUTTING HER OFF) And what programs would you cut to pay for this precious garden of yours? The new whiffle-bats? Pizza Friday?

Milhouse Van Houten: (GASPS) Not Pizza Friday! Sorry Lisa, you lose again.

Bart Simpson: You gotta get on your game, sister. You think I'm tough? Wait till Gutierrez sinks her teeth into you.

Bart Simpson: Remember you've got an ace in the hole -- chocolate milk in the water fountains.

Lisa Simpson: That's impossible. We've already had the best plumbers in the city look into it.

Bart Simpson: Hey, we'll worry about that after you're elected.

Lisa Simpson: What are you so happy about?

Bart Simpson: It's in the bag, Lis. Once everybody sees this.

Bart Simpson: Training wheels. She still uses training wheels. (CHUCKLES) And watch this.

Lisa Simpson: Excellent.

Lisa Simpson: What am I doing? (LOOKS AT FINGERS) Untent! Untent! Oh Bart, I want to win, but not like this. I'm sorry. You're fired!

Bart Simpson: Leave the bottle.

Bart Simpson: I bet by the end of the night you're gonna look pretty good.

Gary Chalmers: Welcome to our first in a series of thirty-seven debates (TO SELF) good Lord (CONTINUES) before the elementary school elections.

1st First Grader: You're a booger head.

2nd First Grader: And I say we move beyond name-calling to solve our real problems.

Kids: Boo!

Nelson Muntz: Booger head!

Gary Chalmers: Vote for whoever you want to. To me these are both losers. Now, the Second Grade debate between (FLUIDLY PRONOUNCING) Isabel Gutiérrez and (MISPRONOUNCING) Lisa Simp-a-son. Sounds weird.

Isabel Gutierrez: (READING OFF A LIST) Ivy Agee, Frank Marino, Glen Gloyd. These are men who fought at Omaha Beach, and they are the reason I'm running for Second Grade Rep. (HUSHED) Dios los bendiga a todos.

Gary Chalmers: (TURNS TO SKINNER) I'll bet my baloney sandwich that girl's gonna win.

Seymour Skinner: A little rich for my blood, sir.

Gary Chalmers: Yes, you can fog a mirror, Seymour, but I wouldn't call you alive. (TO CROWD) Now, the other candidate, Lisa Simpson.

Lisa Simpson: Okay, I'm a liberal. And sometimes that's a dirty word.

DOLPH: (TO SELF) Liberal. (LAUGHS)

Lisa Simpson: But what liberal really means, is someone who believes that those who have more than enough should share a little with those who don't.

Lisa Simpson: And those principles have consistently been in place during this country's most prosperous times. So if that's a liberal then I am a liberal... and hang me.

Dewey Largo: Sorry, we're just setting up for "An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge."

Lisa Simpson: (IMPRESSED NOISE) The Democratic Party pantheon. Such lofty ideals! (GASPS) And here come the spirits... Michael Dukakis, Walter Mondale, John Kerry?! These are all losers!

Walter Mondale: I'm afraid you're heading for a loss, Lisa. And when we lose, we lose big!

Lisa Simpson: What about Obama? Harry Truman? Bill Clinton?

Bill Clinton: Lisa, you're a lot like me: play the saxophone, come from a small town, raised by a mother with no help.

Lisa Simpson: So, do you know how I can win?

Bill Clinton: I don't even know why I'm a ghost. All these guys are alive. John Kerry here is Secretary of State. And doin' a bang-up job.

John Kerry: Well, we still have a long way to go on Asian currency issues.

Bill Clinton: Absolutely. And Lisa, I'm only appearing in this dream so I can visit with you about the Clinton Global Initiative. See, our mission is to turn ideas into action and to find innovative solutions to... hey, hey, hey, hey, you can't fall asleep in a dream!

Lisa Simpson: I know what I've got to do.

Lisa Simpson: Hello, Isabel? Listen...

Bill Clinton: CGI also convenes CGI America, a meeting devoted to economic recovery and job creation...

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) You used to be fun.

Bill Clinton: Kevin Costner used to be a movie star. Get over it.

Gary Chalmers: And now for their final debate, please welcome (MISPRONOUNCING) Lis-a-sa Simpsone and (FLUENTLY) Isabel Adolpho-Guzman-Lopez Gutiérrez. Ladies?

Isabel Gutierrez: I just wanna say I don't care about politics, electioneering, or negative campaigning. If my friend Lisa wins, so be it. (SPEAKS SPANISH)

Lisa Simpson: And I also wanna say that if--

Gary Chalmers: Time's up.

Lisa Simpson: But I--

Gary Chalmers: Stop showboating.

Groundskeeper Willie: Back in the banner shed ye go.

Seymour Skinner: Good morning. We have completed the tally of the votes for Class Representative.

Seymour Skinner: One brief announcement, the tainted Greek salad has given several students nightmares involving Michael Dukakis.

Seymour Skinner: It may recur tonight, so if possible, have your parents strap you to the bed.

Seymour Skinner: And now the results. First Grade Rep: results delayed indefinitely due to jelly on the ballots. Second Grade Rep: Isabel Gutiérrez.

Seymour Skinner: Third Grade Rep, no votes cast. Fourth Grade Rep, last name Wiener, first name, Ima... (REALIZING) Simpson!

Lisa Simpson: Congratulations, Isabel. I truly hope you enjoy the Friday morning council meetings and (CHOKING UP) the, the free Snickerdoodle cookies.

C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers! We won! Drop the balloons!

C. Montgomery Burns: Ow! Ooh! Ay-eee!

Waylon Smithers: Can I at least remove the balloons?

Paramedic: Do it and you'll kill him.

Waylon Smithers: Hm.

Bart Simpson: Hey Lis.

Lisa Simpson: Hey. I'm sorry I fired you.

Bart Simpson: No hard feelings. A lot of good things have been happening to me.

Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Bart.

Milhouse Van Houten: I think you might feel better if you looked at these exit polls.

Lisa Simpson: They find me a pointy-haired know-it-all.

Milhouse Van Houten: Yes, but they agreed with everything you said.

Lisa Simpson: (INTRIGUED) What are you getting at?

Milhouse Van Houten: Fifty-three percent said they'd vote for a liberal, just not you.

Lisa Simpson: Huh. (CALLING) You hear that world?! They love my ideas, just not me! (TRIUMPHANT) And that is half the battle! Ha!

Anderson Cooper: Hello, I am elder Anderson Cooper.

Anderson Cooper: Welcome to our first debate between Republican Isabel Gutiérrez...and Lisa Simpson, representing the Democratic Robot Zombie coalition.

Anderson Cooper: First question: Ms. Simpson, what would you do to get America out of Afghanistan?

Adult Lisa: I'd just throw in the towel and make it a state.

Homer Simpson: That's our girl.