I Won't Be Home For Christmas | season 26 episode 9 | Simpsons World on FXX

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Extras

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01:50

(Springfield: Ext. Springfield - lake near POWER PLANT - day)

01:50

Comic Book Guy: You're about to see the worst half-hour of television ever.

01:54

Comic Book Guy: All righty then.

R3: (AGREEING WHISTLE NOISE)

02:05

GOLDEN ROBOT: May the sauce be with you!

02:08

Comic Book Guy: Oh, since when is soup sauce? This is so non-canonical!

02:11

Kumiko: You have every right to be furious.

02:19

Comic Book Guy: It's as bad as I remembered and I haven't watched it since yesterday! Horrible. Yet enthralling.

02:26

Hans Moleman: Hooray. A card from Dr. Hibbert.

Hans Moleman: (FEARFUL GASP)

Hans Moleman: (RELIEVED SIGH)

Hans Moleman: (SMALL MOAN)

02:39

(Springfield Nuclear Power Plant: Int. Nuclear Plant - continuous)

02:39

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) I'll be right home, honey. I've just got to lock down the reactor for the evening.

02:49

Homer Simpson: Tight as a drum.

02:52

(Simpson Home: Int. Simpson House - continuous)

02:52

Marge Simpson: See you soon!

02:54

Marge Simpson: Bart! Hold the ladder still!

Marge Simpson: (TOPPLING NOISE)

Marge Simpson: (ANGRY NOISE)

03:03

Marge Simpson: (UNDER BREATH) Wish Homer was here.

03:05

(Springfield Nuclear Power Plant: Int. Nuclear Plant - continuous)

03:05

C. Montgomery Burns: Simpson!

03:06

Homer Simpson: (SHRIEK) Mr. Scrooge!

03:08

C. Montgomery Burns: Time for your holiday gift!

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED NOISE)

03:10

C. Montgomery Burns: In your name, a donation has been made...

Homer Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED NOISE)

03:10

C. Montgomery Burns: ...to the Salvation Army.

Homer Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED NOISE)

03:15

C. Montgomery Burns: Also, you will be visited by three spirits tonight. (CHECKS APPOINTMENT BOOK) No, wait, that's my schedule. (CALLS OUT) Smithers! We need to cancel the ten-thirty spirit!

03:22

Waylon Smithers: Yes, sir.

03:26

(Simpson Home: int. simpson house - kitchen)

03:26

Marge Simpson: (HUMMING NOISES) Hello?

03:28

Homer Simpson: Headin' home, baby.

03:29

Homer Simpson: Nothing's gonna stop me now.

Homer Simpson: (SHRIEKS)

03:35

(Moe's Tavern: ext. moe's - christmas eve)

03:35

Homer Simpson: (WOOZY) Maybe a drink will help me with my driving.

03:44

Moe Szyslak: Man, those things go off quick.

03:52

(Simpson Home: Int. Simpson House - night)

03:52

"Vin Scully": (SPOKEN) ...and the baseball exclaimed as it flew out of sight / this ballpark is shorter in left field than right! Mark Hughes swings and misses. Yes, I'm recording this during a game!

04:09

(Moe's Tavern: Int. Moe's - continuous)

04:09

Moe Szyslak: Few people know that verdict was overturned in the sequel. Heh.

04:09

Homer Simpson: I'd better be heading home... to my family... enjoy your evening... with your wonderful... uh... neon sign...

04:22

Moe Szyslak: (SAD, SINCERE) Yeah, last year I broke it just so the repairman would come. But I'll be fine.

04:29

Homer Simpson: Hey, um, you gonna be okay?

04:31

Moe Szyslak: Oh, yeah, yeah. (SOBS) Super. (LARGE SOB)

04:33

Moe Szyslak: It's just that... you know, I lost my ma at Christmas.

04:40

Moe Szyslak: She took me to a mall and I never saw her again. But I'll never forget that image of her bolting for the parking lot.

04:48

Homer Simpson: Okay! Okay! I'll stay for one beer.

04:50

Moe Szyslak: (TOTALLY CALM) Oh great, great. But don't do it out of pity. (SMALL LAUGH)

04:53

Moe Szyslak: Pity! Pity! Have pity! Look, I'm wrapped around your leg here!

04:58

Moe Szyslak: Please! Please! Please!

04:59

Homer Simpson: But I promised Marge.

05:01

Moe Szyslak: Now I'm sittin' on your shoulders! Please!

05:03

Homer Simpson: Okay, okay!

05:10

(Simpson Home: int. simpson house - later that night)

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED MURMUR)

05:10

Lisa Simpson: Mom, where's Dad?

05:12

Marge Simpson: I don't know.

05:14

Bart Simpson: (ANNOYED) It's Christmas Eve, man! We do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight.

Marge Simpson: (IRRITATED MURMUR)

05:21

(Moe's Tavern: Int. Moe's - continuous)

05:21

Moe Szyslak: (SING) SI-LENT NIGHT / HO-LY NIGHT

05:27

Moe Szyslak: (HAPPY) I'm happy on Christmas Eve. And for once it's not 'cause some drunk left a wallet on his stool.

05:34

Moe's Thoughts: Uh-oh, this is startin' to hurt.

05:42

Moe Szyslak: (CHUCKLES) And now, Homer, it's only fair that I give youse a gift: I'm gonna set the clock in the bar to the correct time.

05:49

Homer Simpson: Hey, what the--

05:51

Homer Simpson: (SHRIEKS) I am so late!

05:55

Moe Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, whoa it's the night before Christmas! Stop stirring, you!

06:04

(Simpson Home: int. simpson house - living room)

06:04

Marge Simpson: One night. The one night of the year I want Homer home with his family and he can't even do that.

06:11

Selma Bouvier: Christmas is a great time to dump him.

06:14

Patty Bouvier: If you do it now, you won't have to watch the Super Bowl!

06:22

Marge Simpson: (MOST FURIOUS EVER) Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: (TERRIFIED NOISE)

06:25

Marge Simpson: I never thought I'd say this to someone I cared for, much less my (SPITS IT OUT) husband, but I'm saying it now: I don't want you here on Christmas.

06:34

Homer Simpson: Marge, think about what you're saying. It's Sir Isaac Newton's birthday!

06:38

Marge Simpson: Out now.

06:43

(House: Ext. house - continuous)

06:43

Homer Simpson: Yeah?! (FRUSTRATED NOISE, THEN CALLING OUT) Well, good luck assembling all those toys without me!

06:47

Patty Bouvier: We already did it!

06:48

Homer Simpson: (SHRIEKS) The ghost of Marge Future!

06:57

(Homer's Car: Int. Homer's car - late night - christmas eve)

06:57

Homer's Thoughts: She'll forgive me...

06:59

Marge's Thoughts: Should I forgive him?...

07:00

Homer's Thoughts: Especially this time...

07:02

(Simpson Home: Int. Simpson house - continuous)

07:02

Marge's Thoughts: Maybe not this time...

07:05

(Homer's Car: Int. Homer's car - continuous)

07:05

Homer's Thoughts: I mean it's Christmas...

07:06

(Simpson Home: Int. Simpson house - continuous)

07:06

Marge's Thoughts: With his marriage in this much trouble, he's got a lot of thinking to do.

07:10

(Homer's Car: Int. Homer's car - continuous)

07:10

Homer's Thoughts: I wonder if there's birds on the moon. (SUDDENLY SOBS) I miss Marge. (SOBS MORE)

07:19

Chief Wiggum: I wonder if Lou suspects that I was his Secret Santa.

07:23

Lou: (LOOKING AT WIGGUM) What kind of a cheapskate gives you one corncob holder for Christmas?

07:31

(Moe's Tavern: Ext. Moe's - late night - Christmas Eve)

07:31

Homer Simpson: (ANGRILY) Moe, what are you doing?

07:34

Moe Szyslak: (SINGS) GOOD KING WENCESLAS LOOKED OUT ON THE FEAST OF...

07:39

KARAOKE MACHINE: (JAPANESE ACCENT) Voice too poor for karaoke. Shutting doooown. Bye now.

07:44

Moe Szyslak: Oh my God! Santa brought me just what I asked for!

07:50

Moe Szyslak: (THOUGHTFUL NOISE, THEN RE: HOMER'S WEIGHT) Two thirty-nine. Who's he foolin'?

07:59

(Kwik-E-Mart: EXT. Kwik-E-Mart - NIGHT)

07:59

Homer Simpson: Hey, pal. Can't believe you have to work Christmas Eve.

08:03

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Well, if you are here for a last minute gift, we have a cellphone holder that fits no cellphone made after two thousand and two, and, uh... Kwik-E-Nog...

08:12

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Nog stands for "Not Okayed by Government."

08:12

Homer Simpson: Maybe Marge would forgive me if I won the lotto. Give me a scratcher.

08:21

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT, THEN:) Gimme another one.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (SIGHS)

08:23

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT, THEN:) Gimme another one.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (SIGHS)

08:25

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT, THEN:) Gimme another one.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (SIGHS)

08:25

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT, THEN:) Gimme another one.

08:25

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT, THEN:) Gimme another one.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (SIGHS)

08:29

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT, THEN:) Gimme another one.

08:30

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (SIGHS, CAN'T HOLD IT IN) Oh please, stop! Stop it! My religion prohibits me from taking advantage of a fool more than five times. This thing basically has no winners.

08:38

Homer Simpson: Yeah, but doesn't the money go to schools?

08:40

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (SIGHS) You have been to our schools. What do you think?

08:43

Seymour Skinner: Welcome to "Bring Us Your Toilet Paper" night. (LAUGHS) Don't worry, none goes to Willie.

08:48

Groundskeeper Willie: Don't need it. I got me Starbucks napkins!

08:52

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: You know, ironically, in India, they did use the money for schools and they had fantastic results.

08:57

Homer Simpson: Aw, thanks for your honesty, Apu. Is there any other product in the store you'd like to warn me about?

09:02

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Well... (OMINOUS) those hotdogs began life as Twinkies!

09:11

Homer Simpson: Wow.

09:15

(Simpson Home: Ext. Simpson house - night - establishing)

09:15

(Bart's Bedroom: Int. Bart's bedroom - continuous)

09:15

Bart Simpson: (MOANS) Christmas Eve. The one night a kid wants to go to sleep is the one night he can't. I can't have another cocoa.

09:21

Bart Simpson: My pee is starting to smell like a ski chalet.

09:24

Bart Simpson: Oh, thank God you are here. I need to get to sleep. Tell me the story of jazz again.

09:29

Lisa Simpson: Well, the story of jazz starts with the tresillo, the most prevalent duple-pulse rhythmic cell in sub-Saharan African music, but the rest will have to wait. (SCARED, GRABS BART) Bart, Bart, I hear Mom sobbing and I don't know where Dad is!

09:40

Bart Simpson: (SINCERE) If it helps, I made you a card.

09:43

Lisa Simpson: Bart! This is the year I've got to nail Christmas. I don't want to be a jaded ten-year-old like you!

09:48

Bart Simpson: (THINKS, THEN) Ah, yes... I remember Christmas Eve when I was eight.

09:52

Marge Simpson: Why do you always wait till the last minute to put up the lights?

09:56

Homer Simpson: I don't wanna ruin the magic and I certainly (FALLING NOISE)

10:01

Homer Simpson: (HUGE CHOKING NOISES) Next year... this is... your job. (PASSING OUT NOISE)

10:09

Homer Simpson: (CHOKING NOISE)... (CHOKING NOISE)...

10:09

Homer Simpson: (CHOKING NOISE)... (HAPPILY) Ooh!... (CHOKING NOISE)...

10:12

Bart Simpson: They say a boy never gets over seeing his Dad in a Santa suit getting hanged and electrocuted on Christmas Eve. I'll help you, kid.

10:38

(Simpson Home: Ext. Simpson House - late night - establishing)

10:38

Lisa Simpson: Mom, I'm just a kid. But I say if Dad isn't here Christmas morning, that's the kind of thing families never recover from.

10:46

Marge Simpson: (MURMURS, THEN) Lisa, sweetie, I'm tired of being a pushover.

10:50

Bart Simpson: You're not a pushover.

10:51

Marge Simpson: You can't smoke!

10:52

Bart Simpson: Just chewing on the wood.

10:53

Marge Simpson: Okay then!

10:58

Moe Szyslak: Howya doin' there? Uh, your front door was locked, so, uh, rather than call or knock, I, uh, came down the chimbley there. (COUGHS)

11:08

Marge Simpson: Moe Szyslak. You didn't climb down our chimney just to say "Merry Christmas."

11:08

Moe Szyslak: (COUGHS) Midge, it's one minute till Christmas and if I'm ever gonna be a good guy, it's now. Now here I go.

11:21

Moe Szyslak: I'm the one that kept Homer from comin' home... 'cause... uh, well, I was lonely.

Marge Simpson: (CONFUSED NOISE)

11:25

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, that's right. Me, Mr. Party Pants. So, uh... so don't hold it against Homer, eh?

11:31

Marge Simpson: Oh, my poor Homie! This is what I was hoping for... for it not to have been completely his fault! Thank you, Moe.

Marge Simpson: (SURPRISED MURMUR)

11:43

Moe Szyslak: I'm sorry, Marge, I'm sorry, but it was Christmas and we were under the mistletoe...

11:47

Bart Simpson: (PEERS UPWARD) That's lettuce caught in a spider's web.

11:48

Moe Szyslak: All right.

11:49

Marge Simpson: I've gotta call Homer.

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT)

12:01

Moe Szyslak: What gives? Don't you get Showtime Extreme?

12:03

Marge Simpson: (HOLDING PHONE) No answer. Let's go find your father.

12:07

Marge Simpson: What? I never give up hope.

12:11

Moe Szyslak: Neither do I.

12:16

(OUTDOOR SPRINGFIELD SHOPPING MALL: Ext. outdoor springfield shopping mall - just past midnight)

12:16

Homer Simpson: (SADLY) Even the anchor store's closed.

12:47

Homer Simpson: Any uplifting holiday movies?

12:49

WISEGUY VENDOR: Well, let's see. We've got a film about a nutty professor...

Homer Simpson: (HOPEFUL NOISE)

12:53

WISEGUY VENDOR: ...with advanced Alzheimer's...

Homer Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED NOISE)

12:56

WISEGUY VENDOR: ...Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill...

Homer Simpson: (HOPEFUL NOISE)

12:57

WISEGUY VENDOR: ...in a concentration camp drama...

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT)

13:00

WISEGUY VENDOR: ...and a cute model...

Homer Simpson: (HOPEFUL NOISE)

13:02

WISEGUY VENDOR: ...airplane that lost its propeller.

13:04

Homer Simpson: (CONSIDERING NOISE) I guess I'll take the Concentration Camp one.

13:08

WISEGUY VENDOR: And a Merry Christmas to you, sir.

13:15

(Movie Theater: Int. movie theater - moments later)

13:15

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) Well, if I've gotta spend Christmas Eve alone, at least no one will see me.

13:19

Gil Gunderson: Heya, Homer!

BLUE: (LOUD DOG BARKS)

13:19

Gil Gunderson: Just 'cause you're here shouldn't make you sad. This is my seventeenth Christmas alone in a movie theater. This is my family. The guy with the smelly pants, the lady that carries empty cans in a PBS tote bag...

13:34

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) What if I left now, and gave you guys my popcorn and soda?

13:39

Kirk Van Houten: Wow, Homer, you have a very generous side. Can I borrow like, ten thousand dollars?

13:49

(Springfield Mall: Ext. mall - another area - a little later)

13:49

Homer Simpson: Flanders? What are you doing here?

13:51

Ned Flanders: Christmas is my busy season. Sold three pairs of scissors this month! Two came back.

13:56

Homer Simpson: Say Flanders, with all the hard luck you've had, how do you stay so happy? (STERN) And don't say "Jesus."

14:02

Ned Flanders: Well, sir, our good Lord, and my boys are all I've really got. (SAD) All Edna left me was wonderful memories and some ungraded papers, which I'm still working my way through.

14:08

Homer Simpson: (SINCERE) Flanders, are you crying?

14:16

Ned Flanders: (CHOKED-UP) Ah, just snowflakes on my mustache.

14:18

Homer Simpson: Listen. Could I buy a left-handed uh... I don't know, eyelash curler?

14:23

Ned Flanders: Sure... but your eyelashes are long and luxurious already. Are you just buying this to be nice?

14:27

Homer Simpson: Um. Maybe.

14:31

Ned Flanders: Oh, Homer! Unto us this day, a neighbor is born! But why?

14:35

Homer Simpson: Because Jerk-ass Homer has become Ass-jerk Homer.

14:39

Ned Flanders: Well that curled my lashes, but good for you.

14:44

Homer Simpson: (LAUGHS, THEN SWEET) You're all right, Stupid Flanders. You're all right.

14:47

Ned Flanders: (EXCITED) This is a whole new relationship for us! We'll be friends! In this life and the next!

14:52

Homer's Thoughts: Whoa, he's getting serious. Is this what I really want?

14:57

Ned Flanders: (PROUDLY) My best friend is a great runner!

15:05

Homer Simpson: I made everyone happy but me. Some Christmas. Feliz Navidad.

15:28

(Springfield Retirement Castle: Ext. Springfield Retirement Castle - Night - late christmas eve)

15:28

(Springfield Retirement Castle: Int. Retirement Castle - moments later)

15:28

Marge Simpson: (QUIETLY) Abe Simpson, please.

15:30

Nurse: (INTO MIC) Visitor for Abe Simpson.

15:32

Grampa Simpson: (BEFORE SHE CAN FINISH) You came!

15:33

Grampa Simpson: You came to see me! Aww! Easter came early this year!

15:38

Bart Simpson: (SOTTO) I thought we were just going to ask if he had seen Homer.

15:40

Lisa Simpson: (SOTTO) I'm afraid we've awoken a needy giant.

15:43

Old Lady: Visitors!

15:45

Old Man: Let's brew some weak tea and talk about the good ol' days!

15:48

Old Jewish Man: Make them turn the TV to C.B.S.!

15:59

Marge Simpson: Well, with all that you folks have experienced, I think we could enjoy listening to a little of your wisdom.

16:06

Grampa Simpson: The problem with Puerto Ricans is...

16:08

Marge Simpson: No casual racism!

16:15

(Springfield Mall: Ext. Springfield mall - continuous)

16:15

Homer Simpson: (WAKING UP NOISES) What the?

16:19

Homer Simpson: (GASPS) The Nutcracker! Every child's favorite Christmas character! Is this a dream?

16:25

NUTCRACKER: (GRUFF) Not a dream. I work at the mall. And it's closed, so scram.

16:30

Homer Simpson: Man, you are a nutcracker. But I've learned something tonight: you know how everyone hates being with their family on Christmas? Well, being without them is worse. Can you find it in your wooden heart to give me a break?

16:42

NUTCRACKER: All right, listen pal... uh... you wanna go to a party?

17:01

(Springfield Mall: Ext. Mall - another area - moments later)

17:01

Homer Simpson: What are you doing here?

17:03

SCARECROW: Halloween merchandise goes on sale December twenty-sixth, man.

17:15

Marge Simpson: Well, he's not in the neon sign store.

17:18

Salesman: Lady, buy a sign or go home.

17:20

Marge Simpson: (LIP QUIVERING, ALMOST CRYING) I'm sorry. I'm trying to find my husband and nothing's open.

17:25

Salesman: (THINKS) Well, there is a party here. Hey, is your husband into people dressed like food?

17:29

Marge Simpson: (EXCITED) Where is this party?!

17:35

(Springfield Mall: Int. Springfield Mall - another area - a little later)

17:35

Homer Simpson: Oh my God. Is that girl really doing that?

17:46

Homer Simpson: Mmm, load-bearing wall.

17:58

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

18:00

Homer Simpson: This party's great. But all I wish is that I was drinking a beer with my kids right now.

18:06

Marge Simpson: Homer?

18:06

Homer Simpson: (PERKS UP) Hm?

18:07

Marge Simpson: (SWEETLY) Homie, I'm your present tonight. And the present is that I'm not gonna always assume that you screwed up. Because I realize maybe there's a good explanation for what you do. Or a crazy one that's pretty entertaining.

18:21

Homer Simpson: Oh Marge, you found me! You always find me. Now we just have to find your car in the mall parking lot.

18:29

Marge Simpson: I thought I had one of those chirping keys.

18:31

Homer Simpson: Oh, well, I've been faking the noise 'cause you deserve the best. (MAKES CAR KEY CHIRP)

18:37

Marge Simpson: (SWEETLY) You didn't have to do that. I love you just the same.

Homer Simpson: (CAR KEY CHIRP)

18:45

Homer Simpson: Thank you magical creatures of the mall.

18:48

Homer Simpson: You have all taught me a Christmas message I'll never forget: the place to get drunk is at home.

19:17

(Simpson Home: Int. Simpson House - living room - christmas morning)

Maggie Simpson: (THREE SUCKS)

19:17

Bart Simpson: All right, I'm sick of waiting.

19:19

Lisa Simpson: Bart! You know you can't open a present till Mom and Dad wake up!

19:22

Bart Simpson: It's nine-ten a.m.! I know what they're doing. They're up in bed watching the rebroadcast of the Hollywood Christmas Parade.

19:30

Bart Simpson: Oops. My finger slipped.

19:31

Lisa Simpson: Oops. So did mine.

Lisa Simpson: (FEROCIOUS UNWRAPPING NOISES)

19:33

Bart Simpson: I got a baseball glove!

19:35

Lisa Simpson: I got a chemistry set!

19:37

Bart Simpson: I want yours!

19:42

(Simpson Master Bedroom: int. Homer and Marge's bedroom - day)

19:42

God: Merry Christmas, son.

19:44

Jesus: (SURLY) Uh, don't you mean Happy Birthday?

19:46

God: It's two presents.

19:49

Jesus: Um, walkie-talkies don't count as two presents! God! I mean, you!

19:59

Jesus: Idiot.

20:09

Kang: Behold, our miracle of birth!

20:09

Kodos: Each birth is followed by another birth just seconds later.

20:20

Homer Simpson: What the? This isn't Halloween!

SEASON 26 EPISODE 9

I Won't Be Home For Christmas

Marge doesn't approve of Homer's Christmas spirits. ...

Read More +

CLIPS FROM THIS EPISODE

(5 Clips)

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Clip From S26/E9

Moe on Christmas Eve
Clip From S26/E9

Moe on Christmas Eve

Homer and Moe are in the bar together on Christmas Eve.
Clip From S26/E9

Homer's Present
Clip From S26/E9

Homer's Present

Marge gives herself to Homer as his Christmas gift.
Clip From S26/E9

Kwik Christmas Shopping
Clip From S26/E9

Kwik Christmas Shopping

Homer tries to win back Marge by winning the Lotto.
Clip From S26/E9

One Minute to Christmas
Clip From S26/E9

One Minute to Christmas

Moe confesses to Marge why Homer was late getting home.
Clip From S26/E9

Homer's Late on Christmas
Clip From S26/E9

Homer's Late on Christmas

Marge kicks Homer out on Christmas Eve.

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