I Won't Be Home For Christmas
Marge doesn't approve of Homer's Christmas spirits. ...
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Comic Book Guy: It's as bad as I remembered and I haven't watched it since yesterday! Horrible. Yet enthralling.
Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) I'll be right home, honey. I've just got to lock down the reactor for the evening.
C. Montgomery Burns: Also, you will be visited by three spirits tonight. (CHECKS APPOINTMENT BOOK) No, wait, that's my schedule. (CALLS OUT) Smithers! We need to cancel the ten-thirty spirit!
"Vin Scully": (SPOKEN) ...and the baseball exclaimed as it flew out of sight / this ballpark is shorter in left field than right! Mark Hughes swings and misses. Yes, I'm recording this during a game!
Homer Simpson: I'd better be heading home... to my family... enjoy your evening... with your wonderful... uh... neon sign...
Moe Szyslak: (SAD, SINCERE) Yeah, last year I broke it just so the repairman would come. But I'll be fine.
Moe Szyslak: She took me to a mall and I never saw her again. But I'll never forget that image of her bolting for the parking lot.
Moe Szyslak: (TOTALLY CALM) Oh great, great. But don't do it out of pity. (SMALL LAUGH)
Bart Simpson: (ANNOYED) It's Christmas Eve, man! We do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight.
Moe Szyslak: (HAPPY) I'm happy on Christmas Eve. And for once it's not 'cause some drunk left a wallet on his stool.
Moe Szyslak: (CHUCKLES) And now, Homer, it's only fair that I give youse a gift: I'm gonna set the clock in the bar to the correct time.
Marge Simpson: One night. The one night of the year I want Homer home with his family and he can't even do that.
Marge Simpson: I never thought I'd say this to someone I cared for, much less my (SPITS IT OUT) husband, but I'm saying it now: I don't want you here on Christmas.
Homer Simpson: Marge, think about what you're saying. It's Sir Isaac Newton's birthday!
Homer Simpson: Yeah?! (FRUSTRATED NOISE, THEN CALLING OUT) Well, good luck assembling all those toys without me!
Marge's Thoughts: With his marriage in this much trouble, he's got a lot of thinking to do.
Homer's Thoughts: I wonder if there's birds on the moon. (SUDDENLY SOBS) I miss Marge. (SOBS MORE)
Lou: (LOOKING AT WIGGUM) What kind of a cheapskate gives you one corncob holder for Christmas?
KARAOKE MACHINE: (JAPANESE ACCENT) Voice too poor for karaoke. Shutting doooown. Bye now.
Moe Szyslak: (THOUGHTFUL NOISE, THEN RE: HOMER'S WEIGHT) Two thirty-nine. Who's he foolin'?
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Well, if you are here for a last minute gift, we have a cellphone holder that fits no cellphone made after two thousand and two, and, uh... Kwik-E-Nog...
Homer Simpson: Maybe Marge would forgive me if I won the lotto. Give me a scratcher.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (SIGHS, CAN'T HOLD IT IN) Oh please, stop! Stop it! My religion prohibits me from taking advantage of a fool more than five times. This thing basically has no winners.
Seymour Skinner: Welcome to "Bring Us Your Toilet Paper" night. (LAUGHS) Don't worry, none goes to Willie.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: You know, ironically, in India, they did use the money for schools and they had fantastic results.
Homer Simpson: Aw, thanks for your honesty, Apu. Is there any other product in the store you'd like to warn me about?
Bart Simpson: (MOANS) Christmas Eve. The one night a kid wants to go to sleep is the one night he can't. I can't have another cocoa.
Bart Simpson: Oh, thank God you are here. I need to get to sleep. Tell me the story of jazz again.
Lisa Simpson: Well, the story of jazz starts with the tresillo, the most prevalent duple-pulse rhythmic cell in sub-Saharan African music, but the rest will have to wait. (SCARED, GRABS BART) Bart, Bart, I hear Mom sobbing and I don't know where Dad is!
Lisa Simpson: Bart! This is the year I've got to nail Christmas. I don't want to be a jaded ten-year-old like you!
Homer Simpson: (HUGE CHOKING NOISES) Next year... this is... your job. (PASSING OUT NOISE)
Bart Simpson: They say a boy never gets over seeing his Dad in a Santa suit getting hanged and electrocuted on Christmas Eve. I'll help you, kid.
Lisa Simpson: Mom, I'm just a kid. But I say if Dad isn't here Christmas morning, that's the kind of thing families never recover from.
Moe Szyslak: Howya doin' there? Uh, your front door was locked, so, uh, rather than call or knock, I, uh, came down the chimbley there. (COUGHS)
Marge Simpson: Moe Szyslak. You didn't climb down our chimney just to say "Merry Christmas."
Moe Szyslak: (COUGHS) Midge, it's one minute till Christmas and if I'm ever gonna be a good guy, it's now. Now here I go.
Moe Szyslak: I'm the one that kept Homer from comin' home... 'cause... uh, well, I was lonely.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, that's right. Me, Mr. Party Pants. So, uh... so don't hold it against Homer, eh?
Marge Simpson: Oh, my poor Homie! This is what I was hoping for... for it not to have been completely his fault! Thank you, Moe.
Moe Szyslak: I'm sorry, Marge, I'm sorry, but it was Christmas and we were under the mistletoe...
(OUTDOOR SPRINGFIELD SHOPPING MALL: Ext. outdoor springfield shopping mall - just past midnight)
Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) Well, if I've gotta spend Christmas Eve alone, at least no one will see me.
Gil Gunderson: Just 'cause you're here shouldn't make you sad. This is my seventeenth Christmas alone in a movie theater. This is my family. The guy with the smelly pants, the lady that carries empty cans in a PBS tote bag...
Kirk Van Houten: Wow, Homer, you have a very generous side. Can I borrow like, ten thousand dollars?
Ned Flanders: Christmas is my busy season. Sold three pairs of scissors this month! Two came back.
Homer Simpson: Say Flanders, with all the hard luck you've had, how do you stay so happy? (STERN) And don't say "Jesus."
Ned Flanders: Well, sir, our good Lord, and my boys are all I've really got. (SAD) All Edna left me was wonderful memories and some ungraded papers, which I'm still working my way through.
Homer Simpson: Listen. Could I buy a left-handed uh... I don't know, eyelash curler?
Ned Flanders: Sure... but your eyelashes are long and luxurious already. Are you just buying this to be nice?
Homer Simpson: (LAUGHS, THEN SWEET) You're all right, Stupid Flanders. You're all right.
Ned Flanders: (EXCITED) This is a whole new relationship for us! We'll be friends! In this life and the next!
(Springfield Retirement Castle: Ext. Springfield Retirement Castle - Night - late christmas eve)
Marge Simpson: Well, with all that you folks have experienced, I think we could enjoy listening to a little of your wisdom.
Homer Simpson: (GASPS) The Nutcracker! Every child's favorite Christmas character! Is this a dream?
Homer Simpson: Man, you are a nutcracker. But I've learned something tonight: you know how everyone hates being with their family on Christmas? Well, being without them is worse. Can you find it in your wooden heart to give me a break?
Marge Simpson: (LIP QUIVERING, ALMOST CRYING) I'm sorry. I'm trying to find my husband and nothing's open.
Salesman: (THINKS) Well, there is a party here. Hey, is your husband into people dressed like food?
Homer Simpson: This party's great. But all I wish is that I was drinking a beer with my kids right now.
Marge Simpson: (SWEETLY) Homie, I'm your present tonight. And the present is that I'm not gonna always assume that you screwed up. Because I realize maybe there's a good explanation for what you do. Or a crazy one that's pretty entertaining.
Homer Simpson: Oh Marge, you found me! You always find me. Now we just have to find your car in the mall parking lot.
Homer Simpson: Oh, well, I've been faking the noise 'cause you deserve the best. (MAKES CAR KEY CHIRP)
Homer Simpson: You have all taught me a Christmas message I'll never forget: the place to get drunk is at home.
Bart Simpson: It's nine-ten a.m.! I know what they're doing. They're up in bed watching the rebroadcast of the Hollywood Christmas Parade.
Marge doesn't approve of Homer's Christmas spirits. ...
(5 Clips)
Clip From S26/E9
Homer's Present
Marge gives herself to Homer as his Christmas gift.
Clip From S26/E9
Kwik Christmas Shopping
Homer tries to win back Marge by winning the Lotto.
Clip From S26/E9
Moe on Christmas Eve
Homer and Moe are in the bar together on Christmas Eve.
Clip From S26/E9
One Minute to Christmas
Moe confesses to Marge why Homer was late getting home.
Clip From S26/E9
Homer's Late on Christmas
Marge kicks Homer out on Christmas Eve.