KRABAPPEL: Hello? (KNOCKS) Hello?... We're here for the field trip...

Chief Wiggum: Sorry, sorry. Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by ten. (COUGHS)

Chief Wiggum: We'll start the tour in a second. I just gotta check the answering machine.

Chief Wiggum: (ANNOYED) Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?

Chief Wiggum: Gather 'round kids. We're about to enter the museum...

Chief Wiggum: ...of Crime!

Chief Wiggum: Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold on to your values as we step through the looking glass into a hippie pot party!

Chief Wiggum: While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea.

Chief Wiggum: That's right, she's got the "munchies" for a "California Cheeseburger."

Narrator: So the next time you're walking on the beach, enjoying an hourglass, or making cheap, low-grade windshields -- think where we'd be without... sand.

Chorus: (SINGING WITH GREAT IMPORTANCE) SAND! SAND! SAND!!

Miss Hoover: Okay, that was the sand movie. Now it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie.

Lisa Simpson: (BORED) Oh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging?

Miss Hoover: (DOESN'T CARE) Probably.

Announcer: The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.

Adlai Stevenson: I have no objection to man walking on the moon.

Announcer: By 1964, experts say man will have established 12 colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations.

Announcer: Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage of what you weigh on Earth.

Announcer: (CHUCKLING) Slow down, tubby! You're not on the moon yet.

Announcer: The moon belongs to America -- and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astromen. Will YOU be among them?

Ralph Wiggum: Miss Hoover, the movie's over.

Lisa Simpson: Where's Miss Hoover?

JANEY: (AT WINDOW) Hey, her car's gone.

Ralph Wiggum: Maybe she drove to the moon.

Lisa Simpson: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two film strips, and an hour and a half of "magazine time." (FRUSTRATED SNORT) I just don't feel challenged.

Seymour Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining... furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation...

Chief Wiggum: We're now in the Communications Room or the "ComRoo". Uh, this is a police radio, the single most important piece of equipment in the ComRoo. As you can see, some of the boys like to put their banana stickers all over it. (POINTING OUT DIFFERENT STICKERS) Uh, there's Chiquita, there's Del Monte, there's a BananCo, Gorilla's Choice...

Chief Wiggum: Now, uh, everyone follow me to my chair, (TIRED) where I just need to get off my feet for a few minutes.

Chief Wiggum: Ahhhhh... Ohhhhh... I won't be getting up soon.

Bart Simpson: (INTO BULLHORN) Testing...

Bart Simpson: (INTO BULLHORNS) Testing...

Bart Simpson: Hmm. Hmm. (GETTING AN IDEA) Hey...

Bart Simpson: (INTO BULLHORN) Testing...

Parrots: Testing! (SQUAWK) Testing!

Homer Simpson: (BEAT; THEN, SHOUTING) You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!

Lisa Simpson: (SHOUTING) When do you expect the ringing will stop?!

Chief Wiggum: (CHECKING WATCH; SHOUTING) In about ten to fifteen seconds!

Marge Simpson: (SHOUTING) I certainly hope so! (BEAT; NORMAL VOICE) That's better.

Marge Simpson: (TO BART) Now, about your punishment, young man.

Bart Simpson: (HANG-DOG) I know, I'll go to my room and think about what I did.

Homer Simpson: No, no! Your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage!

Bart Simpson: You're the boss.

Marge Simpson: I tell you, Chief, I just don't know what we're going to do with him.

Chief Wiggum: You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior modifying drugs. (LEANING IN) How wedded are you to the Bart you know?

Homer Simpson: Not very.

Marge Simpson: No! No drugs. Bart just needs a little discipline.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave.

Marge Simpson: (IMPRESSED MURMUR) You know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right. Military school is a good idea.

Bart Simpson: Wow, I can't believe we're going to Disneyland! Hey, where's all your luggage?

KRABAPPEL: (FIGHTING TEARS) You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes, you don't know what to say.

Seymour Skinner: Edna, your tears say more than words ever could.

Bart Simpson: (SARDONIC LAUGH) Military school?! You lied to me!

Homer Simpson: Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland", but I distinctly said "military school."

Commandant: ...And that's how we'll mold your boy into a productive member of society through an intensive program of push-ups and formation marching.

Marge Simpson: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.

Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.

Bart Simpson: (SCARED) "Freak-outs?"

Homer Simpson: (TO COMMANDANT) If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?

Commandant: Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.

Lisa Simpson: Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the Terra Cotta Warriors of Xian.

Homer Simpson: They sure are.

Cadet: (JUMPING UP AND DOWN) Ouch! Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Homer Simpson: That's not so disciplined.

Commandant: They're just children, Mr. Simpson.

Homer Simpson: (UNIMPRESSED SCOFF) I guess.

Cadet Larsen: (MILITARY STYLE) Truth is beauty, beauty truth, Sir!!

Lisa Simpson: (SMALL GASP; THEN, SOTTO) They're discussing poetry! Oh! We never do that at my school!

Teacher #1: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?

Marge Simpson: (SOTTO) Well, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

Bart Simpson: Please don't make me stay, Dad! I'll do anything you say! I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!

Homer Simpson: Leggo my leg.

Bart Simpson: (DESPERATE) No!

Homer Simpson: Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school.

Lisa Simpson: And so am I!

Lisa Simpson: (EXPLAINING) This school has everything I ever wanted.

Marge Simpson: (HORRIFIED) Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.

Bart Simpson: No jail can hold me!

Commandant: All right, let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I understand the situation. (CLEARS THROAT) You're a girl?

Lisa Simpson: Yes.

Commandant: (GETTING UP; SMALL GROAN) Gosh darn it, I just don't understand the situation. (CLEARS THROAT) You're a girl?

Lisa Simpson: All I want is a chance to prove myself.

Commandant: (LOOKING OUT WINDOW) Mmm, in our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. (SIGHS) But that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists... (BEAT) Welcome aboard.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jiff.

Bart Simpson: (RAISING HAND) I want to quit and come home.

Bart Simpson: I want to quit and come home.

Marge Simpson: (SWEETLY) Oh, honey... I heard you the first time.

Commandant: Atten-hut!

Commandant: Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so we're going to have to make a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here.

Cadet Franklin: (VERY GIRLY) Well, we'll see about that!

Commandant: Second, this is now the girls' barracks. So pack your things. You're moving in with Company "L".

Cadet Larsen: Company "L"? But they smell!

Commandant: Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now fall out!

Lisa Simpson: (SHEEPISHLY, TO CADETS AS THEY PASS BY) Sorry. Sorry. I know we'll be friends. Talk about getting off on the wrong foot... heh heh. (DEFEATED SIGH)

Cadet Platt: (DISGUSTED) I can't believe they let a girl in.

Cadet Larsen: Don't worry. We'll drive her out of the academy. That is why God created hazing.

Cadet Larsen: (YELLING AT LISA) What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?!

Lisa Simpson: (GROAN, THEN) Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups?

Cadet Platt: (TO LISA) No.

Lisa Simpson: Hey, look, it's the school motto.

Bart Simpson: (READING) "I'll die before I surrender, Tim." Who's Tim?

Lisa Simpson: Apparently Tim was someone who was with the general moments before he was shot right in the head.

Bart Simpson: Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I stand for. I don't think I can survive here, Lis.

Lisa Simpson: That's how they want you to feel. But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you.

Cadet Larsen: Get to work! I want to see my face in that horse's ass.

Cadet Larsen: (LOOKS AT WATCH) Okay, that's long enough. Let's see how they're doing.

Cadet Larsen: Had enough?

Cadet Platt: (POINTING TO BART) What say you, men? Has this lowly maggot passed the test?

Cadets: (CHEERS, THEN) Congratulations Bart! / You made it! / You're one of us, Bart!

Lisa Simpson: (CALLING OUT) Hey, what about me? I'm a lowly maggot!

Instructor: Since you attended public school, I'm going to assume that you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.

Instructor: Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive, but you missed your last target.

Bart Simpson: (PHONY INNOCENCE) Did I?

Nelson Muntz: (LEANING OUT OF SCHOOL WINDOW) Haw! Haw!

Cadet Larsen: You're a born soldier, Simpson. Too bad it doesn't run in your family.

Lisa Simpson: (PANICKED; SCREAMS) Could someone help me? It's stuck on "Auto-fire"!

Cadet Larsen: (YELLING OVER GUNFIRE) Platt, do you hear anything?

Cadet Platt: (YELLS BACK) No!

Instructor: Maybe you should just learn to use this.

Instructor: If there's a war, just blow on it and I'll come help you.

Lisa Simpson: (TO SELF) I am just calling home, I am not asking to come home.

Homer Simpson: Marge? You got that? (BEAT) Marge?!

Homer Simpson: Hey, go on, boy. Go get it! Answer the phone! Be a good boy!

Homer Simpson: Oh, there's gotta be something on this thing for that thing.

Orderly: (BORED) Simpson.

Grampa Simpson: (HAPPY) Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news!

Lisa Simpson: (RELIEVED) Oh, Grampa, you're not busy are you?

Grampa Simpson: Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the Pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges...And I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the coast guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain.

Grampa Simpson: And that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call.

Lisa Simpson: (EAGER) Uh-huh. So, anything else you want to talk about?

Grampa Simpson: (SMALL MOAN) I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. (BEAT) Anyway, other people need to use the phone.

Jasper Beardly: Mmm-mmm. I've already talked to her for twenty damn minutes.

Bart Simpson: (SOFTLY) What is it?

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) Bart, I got a cassette from Mom and Dad! I thought we could listen to it together.

Bart Simpson: (QUIETLY) Gee, Lis, I'd love to, but this really isn't a good time...

Cadet Larsen: Bart, who you talking to?

Bart Simpson: (NERVOUS) Uh...

Lisa Simpson: (QUIETLY) Lisa. You're talking to Lisa.

Bart Simpson: I'm talking to... no one.

Commandant: All right, lights out!

Commandant: Ow! Dammit! (QUICKLY) Lights on! Lights on!

Commandant: Lights out! Lights out!

Marge Simpson: (ON TAPE) ...and don't worry, sweetie, it's very common to be homesick when you're so far away from the people who love you.

Lisa Simpson: Okay. (DETERMINED) I'm not gonna give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known! (SAD) And went crazy as a loon.

Marge Simpson: (ON TAPE, SINGING) "YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, MY ONLY SUNSHINE / YOU MAKE ME HAPPY, WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY / YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, DEAR / HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU / SO DON'T TAKE MY SUNSHINE AWAY..."

Bart Simpson: I'm sorry I froze you out, Lis. I--I just didn't want the guys to think I'd gone soft on the girl issue.

Lisa Simpson: Ech, I'm tired of being an issue, Bart. Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.

Bart Simpson: But if you quit, it'll be like an expert knot-tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!

Lisa Simpson: Why'd you say that?

Bart Simpson: I dunno. I was just looking at my shoelaces. Look, the point is, you're going to make it, Lis. And I'm going to stick by you.

Lisa Simpson: Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?

Bart Simpson: Then I'll just stick by you in secret. Like a sockmaker secretly working on a top secret sock that...

Lisa Simpson: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Will you stop looking at your feet?!

Commandant: Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills, and general killing skills.

Bart Simpson: (SOTTO, TO LISA) My killing teacher says I'm a natural.

Commandant: But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day Battle Royale.

Commandant: That was prior to 1957, (ROLLS EYES) thank you very much, State Supreme Court. Consequently, now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this...

Commandant: Meet "The Eliminator." That's a 150 foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60 gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of twelve. The rope is suspended a full forty feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.

Lisa Simpson: (NERVOUS) This wasn't in the brochure.

Cadets: Yo, Bart! Over here! Etc.

Lisa Simpson: (READING) "Meet me at "The Eliminator" after lights out. P.S. The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you.

Bart Simpson: That's it, Lis. Now start crawling.

Lisa Simpson: (STRAINS) Oh, it's too hard. My hand is slipping.

Lisa Simpson: I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.

Bart Simpson: I thought you came here looking for a challenge.

Lisa Simpson: Duh! A challenge I could do.

Cadet Larsen: It was worth sneaking into town. That was some good corn.

Bart Simpson: Uh-oh.

CADET ANDERSEN: (SUSPICIOUS) Hey, Simpson, what are you doing out here?

Bart Simpson: (GUILTY) Nothin'.

CADET ANDERSEN: Nothing?! Doesn't look like nothing!

Bart Simpson: Oh yeah? Well, um... what are you doing out here?

CADET ANDERSEN: (GUILTY) Uh... also nothing.

Bart Simpson: Well. Okay.

CADET ANDERSEN: Okay!

Bart Simpson: (AWKWARD) Then carry on.

CADET ANDERSEN: All right, we will!

Bart Simpson: (RELIEVED SIGH) That was close.

Lisa Simpson: (SOFTLY PANICKED) Bees. Bees.

Bart Simpson: Bees! Yaargh!

Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross "The Eliminator" is a barbaric and malicious practice.

Lisa Simpson: (UNDER BREATH) Yes!

Commandant: Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it. Anderson, you're up!

Commandant: Good job, Simpson. Although that's more cursing than I like to hear from a cadet in peacetime.

Commandant: Last up, Simpson, Lisa.

Cadets: (VARIOUS, TAUNTING) You're going down, Simpson! / Pack your make-up bag! / Hey, Simpson -- Drop in anytime! / What color is your parachute?

Lisa Simpson: (SOTTO) Well, at least they're talking to me...

Lisa Simpson: (TO SELF) Oh, if only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on. (THEN) Oh, God, I'm delirious!

Cadets: Drop! Drop! Drop! Drop! (ETC.)

Bart Simpson: (A LITTLE TENTATIVE) Uh, you can make it, Lisa! (THEN WITH INCREASING CONFIDENCE) I know you can! Come on, I know you can do it! Just get your hands back on the rope! It's just a little further! Come on, just a little bit more. Etc. (AFTER LARSEN GRABS HIM; WITH INCREASING FERVOR) I know you can do it! I believe in you!

Lisa Simpson: Yes! (ALL JAZZED UP) You thought I couldn't but I could I did! and I could do it again let's do it again!

Bart Simpson: Lisa, it's over, you made it. You can put your arms down.

Lisa Simpson: I can't, they're stuck.

Cadet Platt: We're gonna make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester.

Cadet Larsen: (LOOKING AT WATCH) But graduation's in three hours.

Cadet Anderson: (CONCERNED) We better go change.

Commandant: The wars of the future will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today, remember always, your duty is clear: to build and maintain those robots. Thank you.

Homer Simpson: (HESITANT) Well, Bart, uh, did you make sure to return all the guns?

Bart Simpson: (LOUD) Sir, yes sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!

Marge Simpson: (SCARED) Well, he's got more confidence!

Homer Simpson: (WEAKLY) Uh, yeah. I've always said the boy could use more confidence.

Commandant: Lisa, before you go, I want to present you with this.

Lisa Simpson: (TOUCHED) A medal? Thank you, Sir!

Lisa Simpson: (READING INSCRIPTION) "For satisfactory completion of the second grade." (CONTENTED SIGH)

Homer Simpson: Well, kids, we're so proud of the way you completed military school, we thought this time we'd take you to Disneyland for real!

Lisa Simpson: Yay!

Lisa Simpson: (ALARMED) HEY!!