Homer Simpson: (EXCITED) Ooh boy, casino night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six.

Marge Simpson: I really shouldn't be here -- I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) Aw Marge, I bet you've gotten that out of your system.

Marge Simpson: Bet... system... betting system! God is telling me to gamble!

Marge Simpson: (QUICKLY) Deal! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Busted! (UNHAPPY NOISE)

Drederick Tatum: (SHAKING HIS HAND) Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism. So relax, have fun and, please God, don't piss me off.

Seymour Skinner: Congratulations Mr. Student Body President -- your casino night is a huge success.

Martin Prince: Thanks, Principal Skinner. I got the idea from an episode of "Saved By The Bell."

Seymour Skinner: (SHAKES HEAD) That was always on too late for me.

Homer Simpson: I'll put everything on lucky seventeen.

Homer Simpson: (MANY QUICK ANNOYED GRUNTS, THEN) Woo-hoo! (MORE ANNOYED GRUNTS THAT SLOW AS WHEEL SLOWS DOWN, THEN) Woo-hoo! (SLOWER ANNOYED GRUNTS UNTIL WHEEL STOPS)

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!

Lisa Simpson: And the winner is, seventeen!

Homer Simpson: I win!

Homer Simpson: This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a Playstation One!

Homer Simpson: I'd like to cash in these chips. Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash.

Martin Prince: Sir, this casino is for charity. These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip, or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie.

Groundskeeper Willie: I'll be bringin' sparkplugs (HOLDS UP SPARKPLUG) to chuck at people I don't like. Like you!

Homer Simpson: But I'm up two hundred thousand dollars! Give me my money!

Homer Simpson: You think I won't manhandle a little boy?!

Martin Prince: You don't understand -- it's not real money! (LOUDER) None of these people have won any money!

Martin Prince: (MEEKLY) Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday...

Lenny Leonard: Look at me! I'm a big man!

Lenny Leonard: (SADLY) But I break... just like a little girl.

Seymour Skinner: Well, this was a disaster.

Martin Prince: I should have known. The same thing happened on "Saved by the Bell."

Seymour Skinner: Care for a milk?

Martin Prince: No thank you.

Seymour Skinner: Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president.

Martin Prince: (BEAT, THEN, CHOKED UP) I'll have that milk now.

Seymour Skinner: Easy there. That's whole milk.

Martin Prince: I'm a private citizen now, I can drink what I like.

Martin Prince: You won't have Martin Prince to kick around any more.

Seymour Skinner: Well, I guess we're gonna need a new student body president.

Thug #1: We're from Acme Amusement Rental. We're lookin' for Principal Skinner.

Seymour Skinner: (LYING) Uh... yes, we all are.

Lisa Simpson: (TO HERSELF) Hey... student body president...

Lisa Simpson: I could join past presidents. Like Otto... or Krusty!

Lisa Simpson: Nelson, you're running for President?

Nelson Muntz: I'm not sayin' I have all the answers. But I do have all the answer keys. To every test.

Nelson Muntz: (HANDING OUT KEYS) Fractions? Dinosaurs? Foreign money? The first Thanksgiving?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Nelson, what are you doing?

Nelson Muntz: Real estate license exam?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (HAPPILY) My ticket to freedom!

Kids: (CHANTING) Nelson! Nelson!

Lisa Simpson: (TO SELF) I'm doomed.

Lisa Simpson: (SIGHS) I can't beat Nelson.

Homer Simpson: Why don't you start a rumor that he's...ding-a-ling-a-ling (HIGH-PITCHED, SING SONG) hello-oo!

Homer Simpson: Oh, what a delicious quiche! I drive a pink Miata.

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe Nelson is more popular than me.

Homer Simpson: La, la, la...

Marge Simpson: Honey, you could be popular, you've just got to be yourself... in a whole new way.

Lisa Simpson: No, I'm gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration: fluoridated water fountains, vegan lunch options...

Homer Simpson: My name is Nelthon! I use a thalad fork. La-dee-dah! I wash my face!

Marge Simpson: Where did you get that tutu?

Homer Simpson: (NORMAL VOICE) Clothesline.

Lisa Simpson: ... and we deserve a French teacher who actually speaks French. (POINTING) J'accuse, Monsieur Kupferberg!

French Teacher: (BROOKLYN ACCENT) What's she yakkin' about?

Lisa Simpson: I rest my case.

Seymour Skinner: Nelson, rebuttal?

Nelson Muntz: (TO KIDS) Yo everyone, it's me, Nelson.

Kids: (CHANTING) Nel-son! Nel-son! Nel-son!

Lisa Simpson: I'M NOT THAT COOL, I DON'T WEAR JEANS / I'VE POLISHED AN APPLE OR TWO / BUT EVERY GRADE THAT I GRUBBED, I GRUBBED IT FOR YOU... / SO CALL ME BOOKWORM / BUT I'LL NEVER SQUIRM, WHEN THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE / YES I'LL TAKE MY LUNCH AT MY DESK / WHILE YOU'RE ALL OUTSIDE HAVING FUN...

Lisa Simpson: DON'T VOTE FOR ME, KIDS OF SPRINGFIELD / UNLESS YOU WANT AN EFFECTIVE LEADER / I'LL TALK TO TEACHERS / I'LL HANDLE SKINNER / A VOTE FOR LISA / MAKES YOU THE WINNER...

Kids: VOTE LI-SA! VOTE LI-SA! VOTE LI-SA!

Nelson Muntz: Hey, I've got a song too.

Nelson Muntz: (SINGS) I AM IRON MAN DO DO DO DO DO DO DO VOTE FOR ME... (SPOKEN) Eh, screw it.

Seymour Skinner: "Lisa..." "Lisa..." "Lisa..." Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Skinner Sucks."

Gary Chalmers: Skinner!! I'm worried. This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself. She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt.

Seymour Skinner: The students will do anything she says. She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.

Gary Chalmers: Hm, yeah. Well we've got to find a way to control her.

Gary Chalmers: Hey, maybe that escaped mental patient you hired has some sort of toxin in his shack...

Gary Chalmers: Yes, hello Willie.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Well, if you ask me, a woman's weakness is her sense of vanity.

Gary Chalmers: Vanity? You might have something there, Edna.

Nelson Muntz: So, when's my inauguration?

Gary Chalmers: Hm, let's see, uh, when Hell freezes over, tough guy.

Lisa Simpson: You wanted to see me?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Actually, Lisa...

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: I wanted you to see you. You're our President now, but you look like the first lady of "yawn"! (WAVES HAND OVER MOUTH)

Lisa Simpson: What would you change?

Teachers: EYES / PEARLS / SMILE / HAIR POINTS / DRESS / VOICE / SHOES / SWATCH WATCH

Lisa Simpson: (RESISTING) I MAY BE THE NEW GIRL / BUT YOU CAN'T BRAINWASH ME / JUST OSH-KOSH-B'GOSH ME / AND THEN LEAVE ME BE /

Lisa Simpson: TO FIGHT FOR KID-POWER / I MUST BE HEARD NOT SEEN / I HAVE TO LEAD WISELY / NOT JUST PRIMP AND PREEN!

Teachers: NAILS / DIMPLES / EARS / SCRUNCHIE / PURSE / LUNCHBOX / TEETH / MILHOUSE

Lisa Simpson: THIS CUTE-ING-UP SUITS ME / THERE'S BEAUTY WITHIN ME / SO LET'S OLSEN-TWIN ME / GIVE THEM SOMEONE TO LOVE

Lisa Simpson: THIS GROWN-UP MAKEOVER / HAS MADE ME A SUPER-TWEEN / FOR THEY ARE MY PEOPLE / AND I AM THEIR QUEEN!

Marge Simpson: Lisa, you look so successful. Like you're the wife of a businessman.

Homer Simpson: (WISTFUL) I wish I'd married a businessman. Then I'd have nice things.

Lisa Simpson: Well, it's a little over the top, (SETS DOWN PAN) but there's no reason I can't look good and take back the playground from the gypsies.

Gypsy: (CATCHING FRISBEE) Is our Frisbee now.

Milhouse Van Houten: (HOLDING OLD FASHIONED PRESS-STYLE CAMERA) Hey, Lisa! Can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running.

Lisa Simpson: Make it snappy, Milhouse. I've got an important meeting in the teachers' lounge.

Milhouse Van Houten: The teachers' lounge. Is it true they make fun of students in there?

Lisa Simpson: Oh, don't be silly.

Groundskeeper Willie: Look at me, I'm Milhouse! I tuck me shirt into me underpants!

Groundskeeper Willie: And I've got no friends, so I confide in Willie!

Seymour Skinner: Oh hello, Lisa. We were just uh, discussing Vasco De Gama.

Lisa Simpson: Well, I have some ideas for ways we can improve the classroom experience.

Lisa Simpson: We need to get teachers more involved! Have them meet with struggling kids in the morning before school.

Dewey Largo: Fine. I'll come in early to meet with students. (BITTER) And I'll have hypnotherapy when?

Lisa Simpson: Or, we could hand out teachers' home phone numbers -- ­so kids can call them whenever they have questions.

Gary Chalmers: I've got a question: you're crazy.

Lisa Simpson: Look, in the Swedish public schools, the students grade the teachers on their performance--

Seymour Skinner: (INTERRUPTING) Outstanding notions! Each more implementable than the last.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: It's a shame you can't stay to discuss them. Here's your schedule for the day.

Lisa Simpson: (READING) "Photo op helping Kindergartners take off snow boots..." "Move the brushfire hazard needle..." Um, shouldn't I stay here and work on school policy?

Seymour Skinner: Lisa, you were elected to be seen and enjoyed. Don't hide your light in a smoky back room, making dusty old decisions.

Lisa Simpson: (GIGGLES) Well, I am proud of my light.

Seymour Skinner: But just in case you want to do any more thinking, I'm proud to present you with an official key to the study hall.

Seymour Skinner: Use it anytime you like.

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) You mean I can come to the school after hours, weekends, even during the summer?

Seymour Skinner: Yes, it's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder. Just sign these authorization forms and you can be on your way.

Seymour Skinner: (LAUGHS) That little girl should learn to read things before she signs them.

Lisa Simpson: (REENTERING) Excuse me? I was wondering if I should read what I just signed.

Seymour Skinner: No, it's just standard key release boilerplate.

Lisa Simpson: Okay. (SHE EXITS)

Seymour Skinner: Boy, she'll believe anything.

Lisa Simpson: (REENTERING) Key release boilerplate? I find that very hard to believe.

Seymour Skinner: Uh hmm. And yet there it is.

Seymour Skinner: I'll just lock this door. (LOCKS IT)

Lisa Simpson: (HOLDING UP KEY) Boy, this key opens everything.

Lisa Simpson: And then, as school president, I don't have to take the hearing test.

Marge Simpson: I'm so proud of you Lisa.

Lisa Simpson: What?

Marge Simpson: You're like Geraldine Ferraro, except you won, where she failed miserably.

Lisa Simpson: Well, I think I can say with all humility, I am gonna be the best school president ever.

Bart Simpson: (HEAVY SARCASM) Bravo, Lisa. Bra-vo.

Marge Simpson: Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.

Bart Simpson: I was being sarcastic.

Marge Simpson: You were?

Bart Simpson: (HEAVY SARCASM) No. I was being sincere.

Homer Simpson: Oh, I'm so confused.

Bart Simpson: Lis, Skinner is using you. Like a pawn on his unholy chess set.

Homer Simpson: On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars.

Seymour Skinner: (SINGS) I'M SO HAPPY WITH MY EVIL PLAN / SAY GOODBYE TO MUSIC, GYM AND ART / SOON WE WILL HAVE THE PERFECT SCHOOL / WHERE FUN AND EXCITEMENT NEVER START!

Groundskeeper Willie: (SINGS) I'M SO DRUNK I CAN BARELY SEE...

Groundskeeper Willie: (SINGS) BUT IT HELPS ME GET THROUGH ANOTHER DAY / MY STOMACH IS FILLED WITH HAGGIS AND HURT / I'VE GOT TO GO PUKE IN SOME HAY.

Bart Simpson: (SINGS) LISA IS A FOOL!

Seymour Skinner: (SINGS) I THINK THE RULES ARE COOL!

Groundskeeper Willie: (SINGS) I'VE FALLEN IN THE POOL!

Seymour Skinner: Hmm, not a cloud in the sky -- a perfect day to unveil Operation SLAAAM: So Long Athletics Art And Music. Care for a T-shirt?

Gary Chalmers: T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "Male Prostitute"?

Seymour Skinner: Oh well... I... Forgive me, sir. (SETS T-SHIRT ASIDE)

Lisa Simpson: They've taken everything! (SOBS)

Ralph Wiggum: Look what they've done to my triangle!

Milhouse Van Houten: I'm doing it! I'm almost to the top! Hello, self-esteem!

Repo Man: Repo man!

Repo Man #2: (WISEGUY VOICE) I love this job.

Bart Simpson: "All extra-curricular activities are hereby canceled, to be replaced by nothing."

Milhouse Van Houten: Who would sign such an order?

Bart Simpson: "As ordered by Principal Skinner and approved by student body president Lisa Simpson!"

Milhouse Van Houten: And to think I was gonna ask you to the dance.

Lisa Simpson: I would have gone with you.

Milhouse Van Houten: Well, you still can.

Lisa Simpson: Well, I don't feel like it now.

Milhouse Van Houten: (ANGUISHED MOAN) That's cool.

Milhouse Van Houten: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Database: Look, they're taking away the art room!

Groundskeeper Willie: I'll be cookin' ma Lean Cuisine in your kiln tonight. (EVIL LAUGH)

Lisa Simpson: (SINGS) WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Bart Simpson: (SINGS) WHAT THEY WANTED YOU TO.

Lisa Simpson: (POINTS AT SKINNER, SINGS) SKINNER BETRAYED ME!

Bart Simpson: (POINTS AT LISA, SINGS) BUT A TANGO TAKES TWO!

Milhouse Van Houten: (SADLY) I almost had a date. I've gotta tell Willie about this.

Ralph Wiggum: (SINGSONG) Lisa is a sell-out! Lisa is a sell-out! (CURIOUS) Lisa, what's a sell-out?

Jimbo Jones: With the band gone, how'll I know who to beat up?

Üter: (UPSET) They eliminated "English for Fat Kids"!

Jimbo Jones: Okay, you'll do.

Bart Simpson: Lis, you made this school even worse. And it wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with.

Lisa Simpson: They made me pretty and popular just so they could exploit me and ruin my good name.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, you've got to stand up to these guys. And when you do, people will remember you. Just look at these postage stamps.

Homer Simpson: There's Bugs Bunny... Fat Elvis... Autumn in New England... Bats of the Southwest... all heroes. Wanna see Elvis kiss a bat? (ELVIS-LIKE) Hey baby come here lemme kiss you...

Homer Simpson: Squeak, squeak, squeak. No, don't kiss me.

Lisa Simpson: You tricked me into betraying my fellow students!

Seymour Skinner: Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a placemat.

Gary Chalmers: And not a good placemat. It's from some place called "Doodles."

Lisa Simpson: I see. Principal Skinner, may I make an announcement to the school?

Seymour Skinner: I can't see the harm.

Lisa Simpson: (INTO MIC) I hereby resign as your president. And for my last act, I call a general student strike, effective immediately!

Seymour Skinner: Gimme that. Any student caught striking will be severely disciplined. Unless all of you do it. Then I'm stymied.

Kids: Strike! Strike! Strike!

Seymour Skinner: Lisa, please. Help me lure them back. I had to do what I did. Our budget is stretched tighter than mother's sauna pants.

Agnes Skinner: Seymour!

Agnes Skinner: Quit using me in analogies!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, mother.

Lisa Simpson: Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art.

Seymour Skinner: What about gym?

Lisa Simpson: (COULDN'T CARE LESS) Meh.

Kids: (CHANTING) Hey, hey, Seymour S., Nurture our well-roundedness! / Sneeze, puke, burp, fart, / We want music, gym and art!

Seymour Skinner: (ANNOYED SIGH) Why didn't I cancel sign-making and creative chanting?

Marge Simpson: Principal Skinner, can't you just reinstate those programs?

Seymour Skinner: Would you be willing to pay an extra dollar twenty-three in taxes to fund them?

Homer Simpson: (IRATE) No way! I'm saving for a speedboat!

Kids: Strike! Strike!

Marge Simpson: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of troublemaking I expect from your brother.

Bart Simpson: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, I was elected to make this a better school.

Marge Simpson: Well, couldn't you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym?

Lisa Simpson: They've taken away our crepe paper.

Marge Simpson: Those Fudruckers!

Marge Simpson: Oh no, they heard me.

Chief Wiggum: Remember boys, these are little kids. Take out your tiny batons.

Lisa Simpson: Chief Wiggum, we're just like you policemen. Don't you ever feel like the mayor doesn't care about you?

Chief Wiggum: You mean the mayor who kept me waiting for two hours in that restaurant? I ate so much bread! (SOBS) Sit down, boys. We're joining this strike.

Lou: Uh, Chief, are you sure the Mayor wasn't at a different Olive Garden than you?

Chief Wiggum: Well, I can't take that rattlesnake out of his mailbox now, now can I?

Eddie: Yes, Chief, you could.

Chief Wiggum: Let me ask you this. Shut up.

Kent Brockman: The Springfield student strike has entered its fourth day with no end in sight. Today, professional buttinski Michael Moore arrived on the scene:

Michael Moore: Kids who don't get to take music and art are ten per cent more likely to become chronically unemployed and appear in one of my movies.

Kent Brockman: Where did you get this statistic?

Michael Moore: Your mother.

Kent Brockman: The student strikers have been joined by other unions, including the Springfield Goat Milkers... the Association of Newsroom Cue Card Holders...

Kent Brockman: Ow. And the United Federation of Theme Park Zombies.

Zombie: Zombie eat brains but zombie cannot swallow this injustice.

Kent Brockman: The heart of the strike is former student body president Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say:

Bart Simpson: Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around it goes "putt putt."

Kent Brockman: Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.

Gary Chalmers: Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school.

Seymour Skinner: Willie, can't you turn your hose on them?

Groundskeeper Willie: They're wee children. I'd sooner turn it on maself!

Seymour Skinner: Well, that's a good idea, too.

Groundskeeper Willie: Now see here ya nose-wipin' hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie.

Gary Chalmers: Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor. But I say, cut off the head and the body will die.

Seymour Skinner: You want to get rid of Lisa?! But she's such a good student!

Gary Chalmers: (SLYLY) Yes. In fact, I think she's a little too good for this school.

Lisa Simpson: If we stand together, we are strong!

Seymour Skinner: (ON P.A.) Lisa Simpson, you have just been transferred to the Springfield magnet school for the gifted and troublesome. Please climb into the idling bus.

Lisa Simpson: But... but I...

Kids: (CHANTING) POOR LI-SA / POOR LI-SA...

Lisa Simpson: (SINGS) DON'T CRY FOR ME KIDS OF SPRINGFIELD / YOU CAN STILL REACH ME THROUGH E-MAIL / AT SMART GIRL SIX THREE / UNDERSCORE BACK SLASH / AT YAHOO DOT COM / AT YAHOO DOT COM...

Boy Student: Bonjour, Lisa. Regardez notre bibliothèque.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, this place is paradise.

Otto Mann: Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all. Just like my last massage.

Homer Simpson: I'm not driving forty-five minutes a day! You can't go to that school!

Lisa Simpson: But this is my dream.

Homer Simpson: Why can't you have a normal dream, like being an Olympic figure skater?

Lisa Simpson: Okay, let me take figure skating.

Homer Simpson: Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at six-thirty every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me!

Lisa Simpson: Well, what can I be?

Homer Simpson: I'unno. How 'bout a horse whisperer?

Lisa Simpson: Okay.

Homer Simpson: Over my dead body!