Homer Simpson: "The Wild Dingleberries?" (SCRATCHES CHIN)

Lisa Simpson: It's a movie version of a cartoon family you can see for free on TV.

Bart Simpson: But they stretched out the plot and added a wildebeest... from the hood!

Homer Simpson: (PULLS OUT CASH) I am so there!

Ticket Vendor: (WISEGUY) Sorry, pally, the Dingleberries are sold out. But looking at you, I'm sure your kids are used to disappointment.

Homer Simpson: How 'bout "Diet Coke -- the Movie?"... "President Air Bud: Tail To The Chief?"... "My Big Fat Greek Salad?"

Ticket Vendor: Sold out... Sorry... Not a movie. The only movies starting now are "The Re-deadening" and "Teenage Sex Wager."

Homer Simpson: (INTRIGUED) Ooh, well, I am curious to see if those teens lose their virginity. And the wager only sweetens the deal.

Rod Flanders: Mr. Simpson, that movie is condemned by our church's movie guide.

Homer Simpson: "What Would Jesus View?"

Bart Simpson: Refresh my memory. (POINTS TO ROD AND TODD) These dweebs are with us why?

Lisa Simpson: Because Mr. Flanders volunteered to take the senior citizens out for ice cream.

Grampa Simpson: This ice cream's too cold! Oh, I cut myself on the cone!

Ned Flanders: (CHUCKLES) Now now, remember why we're here: to celebrate Jasper's birthday.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: (EXCITED) Birthday?

M.C. Safety: Yo, yo, yo give it up for M.C. Birthday! (RAPPING) I SAY A BIRTH, A DAY, A BIRTH-A-DEE-DAY! / NOW MY GOOD-TIME GANG WILL BLOW YOU AWAY!

Grampa Simpson: (CRAZED, TO SELF) Never leave the day room! Never leave the day room! Never leave the day room!

Homer Simpson: Okay kids, forget the movie. We'll just go to the furniture store and sit down.

Carl Carlson: Ah, two for "The Re-deadening," please.

Homer Simpson: (TO CARL AND LENNY) "The Re-deadening"? Is that any good?

Lenny Leonard: Good? I'm in it! I had a small speaking role.

Carl Carlson: Yeah, I went to visit him and was banned from the set!

Lisa Simpson: Mr. Leonard, how'd you get in a movie?

Lenny Leonard: Classic Hollywood story -- the director saw my photo in a medical book.

Homer Simpson: Hey Lenny, is your film appropriate for kids?

Lenny Leonard: Oh yeah, there are lots of kids in it! They fall victim to a vicious--

Homer Simpson: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Don't ruin it for me! (TO TICKET VENDOR) One adult and four children for "The Re-deadening."

Creepy Little Girl: (BRITISH ACCENT) What's that, Baby Button-Eyes...? You want me to kill Mummy?

Creepy Little Girl: But Mummy is ever so kind... What? Your buttons came from the trousers of a psychotic killer? (GRIM) Then I have no choice.

Homer Simpson: Hey, I paid for this popcorn and I'm eating it.

Todd Flanders: Mr. Simpson, I'm scared.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Relax, stupid. Everything you see is make believe. Although it is based on a true story. Some of which happened in this very theater.

Lenny Leonard: (TO HOMER) Ooh, ooh, here comes my part.

Lenny Leonard: (HORRIFIED) Baby Button-Eyes? What are you doing possessed at this hour? I'd better tell the governess.

Lenny Leonard: Oh God, the prophecy has been fulfilled! (SCREAMS OF PAIN)

Lenny Leonard: (EXPLAINING) The buttons look like they're sewn to my eyes, but they're really held on with hot wax.

Lisa Simpson: (SHAKEN) Dad, I don't like this movie. Can we go home?

Homer Simpson: Oh honey, don't be scared. Look, they killed the evil doll.

Homer Simpson: Well, what do you know? It's unkillable.

Homer Simpson: Honey, can daddy rest his soda on your head?

Homer Simpson: (PATTING LISA'S HEAD) That's my girl.

Marge Simpson: You took little children to "The Re-Deadening"?!

Marge Simpson: Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you.

Homer Simpson: But scaring kids is good for them. It hardens them against future terrors -- like roofing and driveway scams.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Sorry. I forgot I bought the soundtrack album.

Marge Simpson: Honey, I know you're scared. But there's no boogie woogies or wooly bullies out there.

Marge Simpson: Oh, your nightlight's burned out. And the only bulbs we have left are these red ones.

Lisa Simpson: It was only a movie, filmed in Vancouver, with Donald Sutherland as the priest who stopped believing...

Mysterious Noise: Achem! Achem! ACHEM!

Lisa Simpson: (TENSE) Both of us heard mysterious noises coming from this very spot.

Lisa Simpson: Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source.

Lisa Simpson: (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Must be the pipes. What do you think, Bart?

Bart Simpson: I think you're on your own, toots!

Lisa Simpson: (BREATHING HARD) Okay. I'll just stay calm and approach this scientifically.

Lisa Simpson: Oh God, oh God. Oh nooo. (STARTS CRYING) If I don't make it out alive, I love you, Mom and Dad. Maggie, you can have my books. And Bart, I'll see you in Hell, you booger-eating wuss. That's right, we all know!

Lisa Simpson: (SCREAMS) Bones!

Lisa Simpson: (QUICKLY) Copyright Pink Pony Productions. Visit us on the web at Lisathemovie.com. (SCARED NOISE)

Marge Simpson: (AMOROUS) Homie, that Kojak is sexier than Cannon and Barnaby Jones put together. I think he looks a little like you.

Homer Simpson: (TELLY SAVALAS) Who loves ya, baby?

Marge Simpson: How about a little "interrogation?"

Homer Simpson: Okay. You have the right to remain sexy. Anything you touch can and will be held against you in a court of sex. If you cannot afford a sex-torney--

Lisa Simpson: Mom! Dad! There's a ghost in the house!

Marge Simpson: Good. Can you play with him for half an hour?

Homer Simpson: I don't see any ghost. I did find this Newsweek from 1986: "Why America Loves Saddam Hussein."

Homer Simpson: (MAD) That's it. It's one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children, but quite another for him to play my theremin.

Artie Ziff: Hello, Simpsons!

Marge Simpson: Artie Ziff!

Artie Ziff: None other! I've been hiding in your attic -- living off the moisture I can suck from the rafters!

Homer Simpson: I thought we killed him!

Marge Simpson: No we didn't.

Homer Simpson: But I did delete him from my bulk email list.

Marge Simpson: No you didn't.

Artie Ziff: That's right. Twice a week I get your email of the monkey peeing in his own mouth.

Homer Simpson: Oh yeah. (CHUCKLES) That monkey got America through some tough times.

Marge Simpson: Artie Ziff! Why are you living in our attic?

Artie Ziff: Let me explain. I was an internet billionaire.

Bart Simpson: Say no more.

Artie Ziff: I would stop, but I love my voice!

Artie Ziff: It was the go-go nineties...and I was partying with Newt Gingrich, Janeane Garofalo and Scottie Pippen.

Artie Ziff: Everyone loved my corporation. And then the bubble burst.

Artie Ziff: Wait! Don't go! My stock will have a slight rebound in two thousand three!

Artie Ziff: I had nothing...

Artie Ziff: They even took my repo vans.

Artie Ziff: I had nowhere to go. So I came here because Marge is the closest thing I've ever had to true love.

Marge Simpson: We had one date. And you were not a gentleman.

Artie Ziff: Don't worry, if you let me stay, I'll be on my best behavior. Not even a fresh remark. Except this one: (BIG) wowie wow, wow, wow! Zazooga!

Marge Simpson: (SHAKING HEAD) I don't know, Artie...

Artie Ziff: (SINCERE) Forgive me. I'm just so envious of the happiness you all have. Can I please be part of it, just 'til I get back on my feet?

Homer Simpson: No way! He's an annoying sneak who's out to steal my wife.

Bart Simpson: Come on, Dad. With his brains and your musky smell, I've got a full male role model.

Lisa Simpson: And it would be nice to have someone here I can beat up.

Artie Ziff: (WIMPY) No fair! I'm telling!

Homer Simpson: Okay kids, you can keep him.

Lisa Simpson: Yay!

Artie Ziff: "When she pressed her lips to his forehead and walked out with Denise and Gary into the warm spring night, she felt that nothing could kill her hope now. (CLOSES BOOK) Nothing."

Lisa Simpson: Thanks for reading me "The Corrections." It makes me feel better about my own family.

Artie Ziff: Doesn't your father ever read to you?

Lisa Simpson: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Mom. Can I sleep over at Milhouse's?

Marge Simpson: I thought you were playing catch with Artie.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, but after the ice cream man cut up his credit card, he got a little depressed.

Marge Simpson: Oh my. Well, Homer, maybe you should take him to Moe's.

Homer Simpson: C'mon, little fella. You're hangin' with me tonight.

Homer Simpson: Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff.

Aristotle: Hello, handsome!

Artie Ziff: Hello... (UNDER BREATH) losers.

Kent Brockman: Coming up: can yodeling cure cancer?

Kent Brockman: Of course not. But first, where is Artie Ziff?

Kent Brockman: The S.E.C. wants to know! It seems Ziffcorp spent stockholders' money on everything from marble toothbrushes to solid gold underpants.

Kent Brockman: Small investors have been wiped out.

Groundskeeper Willie: I lost all me "screw you" money.

Seymour Skinner: I'm very sorry to hear that, Willie.

Groundskeeper Willie: Screw you!

Kent Brockman: Authorities are currently operating under the theory that Ziff is living in a cave somewhere.

Lou: He's not in here, Chief.

Chief Wiggum: That's some good spelunking, Lou. Mighty fine spelunkin'.

Lenny Leonard: Okay, read 'em and weep.

Artie Ziff: I don't know why I'm losing. Maybe I have some kind of "tell." (LOOKS AT CARDS) Hot mamma, I'm livin' in flush-town, (JUMPS ON TABLE) population Artie!

Artie Ziff: (NONCHALANT) I guess I'm in for fifty cents.

Barney Gumble: I fold. / Me too. / I'm out. / I'm done.

Homer Simpson: (CONFIDENT) I'll see your fifty cents and raise you one dollar.

Artie Ziff: Well, I'm out of cash. But would you accept ninety-eight per cent of the outstanding shares of ZiffCorp stock?

Homer Simpson: And the peanuts in your mouth.

Artie Ziff: Very well.

Artie Ziff: (LOUD) Achem!

Homer Simpson: All of them.

Artie Ziff: (NOT SO LOUD) Achem!

Artie Ziff: Flush. What have you got?

Homer Simpson: Four jacks.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Check it out! I own a multi-national corporation. (CHUCKLES) I always knew some day I'd be a C.O.D.

Sec Agent #1: Freeze! Securities and Exchange Commission!

Sec Agent #2: Artie Ziff, you're wanted for stock manipulation and securities fraud.

Sec Agent #1: (MACHO) It's scum like you that undermine investor confidence.

Homer Simpson: Investor confidence? Perhaps this affects me -- I own two hundred and thirty million shares of ZiffCorp stock.

Sec Agent #1: You're the majority shareholder?

Homer Simpson: (UPBEAT) I sure am -- with all the inherent legal liability.

Sec Agent #2: You're under arrest!

Moe Szyslak: Wait a minute. How can you arrest Homer? (POINTS TO ARTIE) This guy's the one what done the thing that why you're here for. I'm talkin' malfeasance here.

Artie Ziff: (SINCERE) All right, I admit it. I did run ZiffCorp into the ground. (PUTS ARM AROUND HOMER) Then this man took me into his home when no one else would. And now, as a result of his brilliant card playing (QUICKLY) he's the one you want! Tape his mouth so he can't deny it!

Homer Simpson: (DISTRAUGHT) Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail! Tell them I've joined the Blue Man Group! I'm the fat one!

Committee Chairwoman: Homer Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that your company has betrayed the public trust?

Homer Simpson: Plead the fifth amend-what?

Homer Simpson: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?

Homer Simpson: Inseminate myself? (TO COMMITTEE, LOUD WHISPER) Dudes, I think this guy's comin' on to me.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: You sir, are a moron.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Oh, for heaven's sakes!

Homer Simpson: Your majesty, can I go home now?

Committee Chairwoman: Your company's crimes have left a scar on this great nation. And she was so beautiful. But what man would want her now?

Krusty the Clown: Yeah. She was hot.

Marge Simpson: My husband's going to jail and it's all your fault! Do you know why no one likes you?

Artie Ziff: Anti-Semitism?

Marge Simpson: No. Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself.

Artie Ziff: Marge, I think about a lot more than just moi.

Arties: (TO CAN-CAN SONG) ARTIE / ARTIE ARTIE / ARTIE / ARTIE ARTIE / ARTIE / ARTIE ARTIE / ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF.

Artie Ziff: (SADLY) Oh my God, she's right.

Marge Simpson: I never want you in this house again!

Grampa Simpson: If he's out, can I move back in?

Marge Simpson: (FRUSTRATED) Oh, what do you think?

Grampa Simpson: And she's the nice one.

Marge Simpson: Okay kids, this book should help you deal with your feelings.

Lisa Simpson: (HELPFUL) Look Maggie, it's a pop up! (READS) "Daddy's made a shiv. Can you help him ice Johnny Shakes, the jailhouse stoolie?"

Bart Simpson: Hey, let me read it to her. "Johnny's friends get some payback on daddy while he's sleeping..."

Bart Simpson: (À LA "SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT") Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire. Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire. Daddy's on fire...

Marge Simpson: Daddy's not on fire.

Marge Simpson: Okay, fine, he is.

Homer Simpson: I miss you guys so much. The smell of Marge's pork chops... the way you kids kiss my "owies" when I go boom... (SOBS) This place has become like a prison to me!

Bart Simpson: Hey Dad, maybe this'll cheer you up. (IMITATING HOMER) Why you little...

Homer Simpson: Aw, it's no use, son. By the time I get out of here you'll be grown. (SINGS SADLY) TURN AROUND / TURN AROUND / TURN AROUND AND YOU'RE A YOUNG MAN / AND YOU'RE TOO BIG TO CHOKE. (SOBS)

Moe Szyslak: Well, well look who showed his face. The louse who sold out his only friend. You've got a lot of nerve comin' here... (FRIENDLY) but since you did, what'll it be? First one's on the house.

Patty Bouvier: Is this dump open? We were jogging and we ran out of cigarettes.

Artie Ziff: Pardon me for intruding, but I believe teenage girls shouldn't smoke.

Selma Bouvier: Are you still livin' with Marge?

Artie Ziff: No. She kicked me out for sending her husband to prison.

Selma Bouvier: You put Homer in jail? (SWOONING) The hair is standing up on the back of my knees.

Patty Bouvier: Keep your Odor Eaters on, Selma. I've seen you get hurt too many times.

Selma Bouvier: I'm not gonna let him into my heart, or my bedroom. Just ten minutes on the beanbag. C'mon, Short Round. We're goin' back to my Temple of Doom.

Artie Ziff: Be gentle!

Moe Szyslak: (HOPEFUL) You know, they say that the love of a good woman can save any man.

Patty Bouvier: Except you, freak.

Moe Szyslak: Well, if you change your mind, you know where I am.

Patty Bouvier: In my nightmares.

Moe Szyslak: I'm gonna stop now.

Selma Bouvier: What the Hell are you doing?

Artie Ziff: (EMBARRASSED) I can't get my socks off.

Selma Bouvier: Leave 'em on. I like a man with a little mystery.

Artie Ziff: I'm done.

Selma Bouvier: My kinda man.

Artie Ziff: Wonderful, glorious, magnificent. And you were pretty good, too.

Artie Ziff: Selma, you've made a new man of me. Thanks to your angry love I can no longer sit by selfishly while another suffers for my book-cooking.

Selma Bouvier: What are you gonna do?

Artie Ziff: First I'm gonna read the paper, have a little nosh, then I'm gonna rinse out a few things. And then, finally, I will get an innocent man out of jail!

Selma Bouvier: Well, he can't break my heart 'cause he kinda makes me sick. This could work!

Kent Brockman: Artie Ziff shocked investigators today by turning over a second set of books, detailing his own financial culpability, and exonerating stumbling, bumbling boob Homer Simpson. Simpson's grateful family had this to say:

Marge Simpson: I'm so happy to be getting my husband back.

Bart Simpson: And I'm happy to listen to F.M. ninety-five point three. Home of Boomer and the Diz!

Marge Simpson: Bart!

Bart Simpson: Chill out, Mom. They gave me this hat.

Guard: Sorry you were wrongfully imprisoned, Simpson.

Homer Simpson: Can I apply my time toward a future crime?

Guard: You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch.

Guard: (IN PAIN) No one ever chooses the car.

Lisa Simpson: Oh Dad, I missed you so much.

Homer Simpson: Oh my God! Maggie, you're talking!

Artie Ziff: Homer, I believe that's Lisa.

Homer Simpson: Oh Bart, what a man you've become.

Marge Simpson: Artie, thank you for doing the right thing. Eventually.

Artie Ziff: All I needed was the love of a good woman. And since you're not interested...

Marge Simpson: I'm not.

Artie Ziff: Merely checking. Because I'm into that.

Selma Bouvier: I'll visit you in two weeks.

Lisa Simpson: I have to admit, I'll miss having him around.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.

Snake Jailbird: Yo, hobbit. I'm, like, your roommate.

Artie Ziff: Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you.

Artie Ziff: Squirt, squirt, squirt. Your lungs will thank me!

Marge Simpson: (WORRIED) Kids, you'd better take your last look at Uncle Artie.

Artie Ziff: Oh look, there's a whole bunch of you! Squirt, squirt, squirt! That's it, circle around me. Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. Oh, I'm gonna need more water!