Lisa Simpson: (LAUGHS) Does anyone else want to know why that sign is so funny?

Bart Simpson: No.

Lisa Simpson: C'mon, we're gonna be late to the blooming of the Sumatran Century Flower.

Homer Simpson: How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activities?

Lisa Simpson: Because I know every time you say "pick a number from one to ten," it's always seven.

Homer Simpson: That's because there were seven apostles.

Marge Simpson: No, there were twelve.

Homer Simpson: Boy, that's a big staff. And still he wasn't that funny.

Lisa Simpson: (READING PLAQUE) "The Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey into its digestive tract..."

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Stupid prey. They never suspect anything.

Homer Simpson: Ooo, a hotdog!

Homer Simpson: Flower power my ass.

Moe Szyslak: That's odd. It's eleven fifteen in the morning and the bar is empty.

Kent Brockman: I'm live at Springfield Botanical Gardens, where we're minutes away from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Flower, which only occurs once every hundred years.

Moe Szyslak: Hey, those are my customers-slash-only friends! Where are they getting their beer?

Moe Szyslak: A cooler! I've been replaced by a cooler!

Moe Szyslak: And who could blame 'em?

Moe Szyslak: Eh, no point in mopin' around. I might as well join 'em and have a jolly old time.

Moe Szyslak: Better set the alarm.

Moe Szyslak: Here I am, one of the crowd. I'm comfortable I'm calm. If anybody looks at me I got a hypodermic full of bleach.

Chief Wiggum: (TO CROWD) Um, people, we are officially over capacity. We've got to kick one person out. Someone who's alone, already bitter, someone whose feelings have been trampled on so many times one more won't make any... Oh, Moe!

Moe Szyslak: (SAD SIGH) Yeah, that's me all right.

Chief Wiggum: Sorry, Moe. You can either walk out with dignity, or I can push you down this muddy hill.

Moe Szyslak: I'd prefer that you push me. Seein' how I'm desperate for any human contact.

Chief Wiggum: All right.

Moe Szyslak: Thanks a lot.

Lisa Simpson: (GASPS) The flower's starting to open!

Sideshow Mel: Everyone, flare your nostrils in olfactory anticipation!

Bart Simpson: Man, the plant cut one!

Marge Simpson: Bart, plants don't-- (SMELLING) wheww!

Bumblebee Man: ¡Ay yai yai! ¡Que flora malodorosa!

Krusty the Clown: Argh, that smells worse than James Coco's ski boots!

Krusty the Clown: Oh yeah. That's mildly better.

Moe Szyslak: Listen to those lucky people, enjoying that pretty flower. I got nothin' -- just this can.

Moe Szyslak: (SCOFFS) At least there's someone worse off than me.

Homer Simpson: So long, suckers!

Carl Carlson: Well, at least we're outside instead of sittin' home watchin' TV.

Lenny Leonard: I hear that. (THEN) Hey, that car has a TV in it!

Announcer: We now return to "The Beverly Hillbillies Down Under".

"Jethro": Hey, Granny! I'm gonna be a professional didgeridoo player. (PLAYS DIDGERIDOO)

"Granny": Well, now it's a didgeri-don't!

"Jethro": Oh, Granny...

Carl Carlson: Can you put on the baseball game?

Dr. Julius Hibbert: My kids are watching a movie!

Carl Carlson: C'mon, help a brother out.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Why don't you call my secretary and make an appointment, "brother"?

Carl Carlson: A dream deferred is a dream denied!

Lisa Simpson: (POINTS) Dad, the traffic's moving.

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Pedal to the metal!

Marge Simpson: (GASPS) My baby!

Homer Simpson: Your baby!

Homer Simpson: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Moe Szyslak: Well, this is it. The last call for Moe. God. (SMALL SOBS) God, God...

Moe Szyslak: (BIGGEST EVER) Whaaa--?

Homer Simpson: Moe! Thank God you saved my baby...

Sideshow Mel: That hideous man is a hero!

Moe Szyslak: Heh. Life don't seem so hard no more.

Homer Simpson: Look, Maggie's in the paper with Moe. (SWEETLY) How cute.

Homer Simpson: Look at those pants. They're standing up with no one in them.

Moe Szyslak: Hey, I was in the neighborhood and uh, thought I'd, y'know, check in on Maggie.

Marge Simpson: Moe, I'm glad you're here! I wanted to thank you so much for saving my baby, so I knitted you a nice warm sweater.

Moe Szyslak: (TOUCHED) Aw, look at that. That's so soft and thoughtful and what's the gag? Is it full of chiggers?

Marge Simpson: No, no all that's in there is love and gratitude.

Moe Szyslak: Aw jeez, there's somethin' in my eye. (RUBBING EYE) Ah, it's just glass.

Moe Szyslak: So, how's the little tyke doin'?

Moe Szyslak: (CHUCKLES) Ain't she adorable.

Homer Simpson: Oh my God, I'm late for work.

C. Montgomery Burns: How you got in my carpool I'll never know.

Grampa Simpson: (PANICKY) The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!

Marge Simpson: Oh, Lord. Why do they keep changing his medication?

Grampa Simpson: Look at me, I'm Speedy Alka Seltzer! Whoa!

Marge Simpson: Moe, I gotta handle this. Can you keep an eye on Maggie?

Moe Szyslak: Me? Yeah, uh... yeah, sure, i-i-if you don't think I'd spook her or nothin'.

Marge Simpson: No, you'll be fine. I'll be right back.

Grampa Simpson: I got lindenberries!

Moe Szyslak: So, how's it goin'? Huh.

Moe Szyslak: Hey, you-you wanna see me uh, dislocate my arm? Take a look at this.

Moe Szyslak: It was years before I could do this without faintin'. (GRITTED TEETH) Still hurts.

Marge Simpson: Grampa, stop!

Grampa Simpson: (SHOUTS) Sayonara, Tojo!

Grampa Simpson: LA LA LA LA LA... LA LA LA LA LA!

Marge Simpson: (NERVOUS MURMUR) Oh, Lord.

Moe Szyslak: Hey, Mag. Raggedy Andy over there has been giving you the button-eye. I'll get rid of him. All right, come on. Out you go.

Marge Simpson: Hmp, I finally caught up with Grampa. I found him crying in the cemetery. Thanks for taking care of Maggie.

Moe Szyslak: Oh, no problem. You know, it-it gave me kind of a good warm feelin'. Like when you get drunk and fall asleep in the snow.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, well I better go.

Moe Szyslak: Aw, there, there Mags. I'll be back sometime.

Marge Simpson: Wow, she really likes you. Maybe the next time I need a sitter, and you're not busy...

Moe Szyslak: I-I'd love to. Uh, uh let me check my schedule.

Moe Szyslak: Well, I was gonna erase those two apostrophes and replace 'em with 'g's, but that's about it. So, you know, call anytime.

Moe Szyslak: Why is she crying? Oh, that's right. I still got her nose.

Moe Szyslak: (SWEETLY) Here ya go, ya little idiot.

Moe Szyslak: Ball pit, that's nice. One, two, three colors -- you got 'em all.

Hot Woman: (FLIRTATIOUS) Aw! What a face! She looks just like you!

Moe Szyslak: You calling her repellant?

Hot Woman: (STAMMERING) No, I was just...

Moe Szyslak: 'Cause you ain't exactly Karen Allen yourself, you know.

Hot Woman: You idiot, I was trying to pick you up.

Moe Szyslak: Oh, great. Uh, well why don't you play with the baby while I go rent a room?

Moe Szyslak: Boy, that's one for the Christmas letter. What a nut.

Lisa Simpson: Way to go, Mom. Homemade dim sum, with eight kinds of dipping sauce!

Bart Simpson: This is the best Year of the Rat ever!

Marge Simpson: Well, I have so much free time now that Moe's our babysitter.

Homer Simpson: (SINCERE) Yeah, it's great that she's got a father-figure in her life. (REALIZING) She--hey wait, that's supposed to be me!

Bart Simpson: You could be my father figure.

Homer Simpson: No way! I'm not gettin' my fingerprints on that train wreck. But if I lose Maggie, I'm oh-for-three. I've gotta get her back.

Bart Simpson: I can help you.

Homer Simpson: I said, pipe down, Amtrak.

Moe Szyslak: Maggie, look what's in your ear, a penny.

Moe Szyslak: Okay, we won't tell no one about that. Now let's see, what else can we do? We can't tickle Elmo no more.

Moe Szyslak: Coochie, coochie coo.

Elmo: No means no for Elmo!

Moe Szyslak: Ow.

Moe Szyslak: And this Slinky... these things are fun for about two seconds.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, that's it, slink away.

Moe Szyslak: Hm. "Alice in Wonderland," huh? This must be a take-off on that "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.

Moe Szyslak: It's so nice to be with someone who can't understand the horrible things I say.

Moe Szyslak: White rabbit... chicks poppin' mushrooms... this is like the Playboy Mansion. (TOSSES BOOK ASIDE) Maybe I can think of a story uh, more suitable for a baby.

Moe Szyslak: Ooh, I got one: it starts out with a beautiful wedding.

Moe Szyslak: But the father of the bride was nowhere to be seen.

Moe Szyslak: He was granting favors to all of his bestest buddies.

Mobster: I think we could scare that movie producer by puttin' a horse's blanket in his bed. Imagine waking up and seeing you got the wrong kinda blanket.

Godfather: (À LA BRANDO) How about a horse's head?

Mobster: (WARMLY) Oh, you see here. That's why you're the Godfather.

Moe Szyslak: And the Godfather's playing with his grandson, see. So he sticks an orange in his mouth, like this.

Moe Szyslak: Okay. And now, it's intermission.

Moe Szyslak: (SIGHS) Gimme a break, will ya? It's a friggin' saga.

Moe Szyslak: Don Bardzini gets whacked. Tessio, Ohh... you won't see him no more. Moe Greene: Bam! He gets it right in the eye. And Michael is now the new Godfather. (SAD) And he shuts the door on Annie Hall. (SOBS)

Moe Szyslak: Oh, no, no baby. No, no... (SIGHS, THEN:) Okay, Part Two. Little Anthony's having his first communion at Lake Tahoe. Meanwhile Michael can't get a gaming license. But Senator Geary's got one weakness: call girls...

Moe Szyslak: That's right.

Lisa Simpson: This party's boring. Everything here is for babies.

Bart Simpson: I'm helping Daddy!

Bart Simpson: Lisa, it says one year and up.

Moe Szyslak: Oh, there she is, the birthday girl. Oh, your mommy tied a bow for you, huh. I'd better retie it -- the way you like it.

Moe Szyslak: I know it don't seem like it matters, but you know, she hates lookin' like crap.

Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey, hey, Osh Kosh B'Gosh. She don't want what you're shovelin'.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Mr. Moe. My son was only playing next to this girl who is not your daughter.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, sure he was, Nahasapasa-Imraisin'apervert.

Homer Simpson: Back off, Moe. Maggie wants to be with me.

Homer Simpson: (STRUGGLING) This is how we play. (SINGS, TO "ITSY BITSY SPIDER") THE SQUIRMY WORMY SPIDER / SQUIRTS OUT OF DADDY'S HANDS...

Homer Simpson: (SINGS TO "ITSY BITSY SPIDER") ... DADDY FEELS REJECTED / HE'S GONNA EAT SOME CAKE.

Marge Simpson: Oh, a rattle!

Marge Simpson: Thank you, Selma.

Moe Szyslak: (SARCASTIC) Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five.

Selma Bouvier: (TO MOE) Eh, get a neck, Frankenstein.

Moe Szyslak: (EAGERLY) Hey, open my present! Open my present!

Moe Szyslak: It's Uncle Moe's Play Tavern, with classic drunk Barney. Look, even the little toilet is broken.

Marge Simpson: I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby.

Moe Szyslak: Sure they are. They even talk. Look!

Homer Doll: (DRUNK) I peed my pants.

Homer Simpson: (ANGRY) I recorded that for private use!

Homer Simpson: (DROWSY) Your turn.

Marge Simpson: (DROWSY) No, it's your turn.

Moe Szyslak: I got it. It's okay!

Homer Simpson: Moe?! What are you doing here?

Moe Szyslak: Well, Maggie was crying. I heard her on my baby monitor.

Marge Simpson: You have your own baby monitor in our child's room?

Moe Szyslak: I had to. It's so weird watching the video and not getting any sound.

Homer Simpson: That's it, Moe. This is just too weird. You are not allowed to see Maggie anymore.

Moe Szyslak: Well, can I at least give her this Moe-bile?

Moe Szyslak: (SELLING) Eh? Eh?

Homer Simpson: Get your own family, Moe.

Moe Szyslak: Hey, you never cared about Maggie 'til I started paying attention to her. Last night at the bar you called her "Raquel."

Homer Simpson: Get out!

Moe Szyslak: Is that uh, "get out" like leave, or "get out" as in: "Get out. You banged Bridget Fonda?"

Homer Simpson: Get out!

Moe Szyslak: Get out, that's-- okay.

Moe Szyslak: Maybe I can catch a late show of "Alice In Underpants." Or maybe "Put 'em on the Looking Glass."

Moe Szyslak: Boy, I'm like a mess here. I feel so lonely without that kid.

Lenny Leonard: You still got us, Moe.

Moe Szyslak: You guys mind if I uh... kiss your tummies?

Moe Szyslak: (SADLY) Here comes the airplane.

Moe Szyslak: (SADLY) All gone.

Elves: (SING) TOYS AND CAKES AND PETS AND BROTHERHOOD...

Moe Szyslak: (SOBS) It's our song.

Marge Simpson: Now, there'll be no more trouble from that meddlesome bartender.

Homer Simpson: Yeah. You know, looking at this sweet precious child makes me want to have one of our own.

Fat Tony: Tonight I want you boys to take out the Castellaneta family.

Louie: Uh, I don't know, boss. My passion for whacking is waning.

Fat Tony: Perhaps this will cheer you up.

Louie: Oh, that's better. I could whack my own mother now.

Fat Tony: I'm glad you brought that up.

Louie: Kill my mother?! She makes such good pasta sauce.

Johnny Tightlips: It comes from a can.

Louie: She's a corpse.

Homer Simpson: What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? 'Cause I can explain. I'm going to farm and sell snakes.

Marge Simpson: Maggie's gone!

Homer Simpson: It must have been Moe!

Chief Wiggum: He's got your kid, but don't worry. Everything is gonna be okay.

Chief Wiggum: Scum, Freezebag! I mean, freeze, scumbag! You can't write stuff like that. See that's why sitcoms are dying.

Eddie: Chief, it's just a ham.

Homer Simpson: Thank goodness.

Chief Wiggum: Well boys, looks like we've solved the case of the missing ham. Let's go.

Marge Simpson: No! We have to find my baby!

Moe Szyslak: Maggie's missing? You gotta let me help find her, please! We have a special bond. Even greater than her bond with the duck-shaped washcloth.

Marge Simpson: Okay, you can help us.

Chief Wiggum: Well, I think we know when we're not needed.

Marge Simpson: You guys are the world's worst cops.

Chief Wiggum: No, now that I'm off duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.

Lisa Simpson: Well, it looks like Maggie crawled through these bushes, spit up over here, and crashed her tricycle into the wall.

Homer Simpson: (RUEFUL) Uh, no, that was me.

Marge Simpson: Here's a clue: a discarded orange wedge!

Moe Szyslak: Orange wedge?

Moe Szyslak: Marge, do mobsters ever congregate outside your house?

Marge Simpson: All the time. Sometimes I bring them lemonade.

Moe Szyslak: Listen, I think we might have to make a trip to Little Italy.

Homer Simpson: I'll get our little passports.

Don Castellaneta: (ELDERLY MAFIA DON) So you see, you have no choice but to sell out to me.

Fat Tony: Oops! Clumsy me. I will consider your proposal in the restroom as I tidy up. Boys?

Legs: (IN UNISON) Oops! Clumsy us. We must all go to the restroom, too.

Don Castellaneta: Those fellows should really consider sippy cups.

Younger Mobster: Look, Boss. It's a baby!

Don Castellaneta: Ooh, a bambino. Or is it bambina? I no speak any language so good.

Fat Tony: We have considered your proposal...and our answer is no.

Younger Mobster: Boss, they hid guns in the men's room!

Don Castellaneta: (DROPS FORK, THEN:) Clumsy me, I dropped my fork. Boys, help me pick it up.

Don Castellaneta: Now, hold on here. I'm President of the Italian American Anti-Defamation League.

Don Castellaneta: And this really burns my cannoli!

Marge Simpson: (GASPS) Maggie's right in the middle of that Italian-American-Mexican standoff!

Homer Simpson: Oh my God, I've gotta save her!

Moe Szyslak: No. You've got a family. I'm the guy with nothin' and no one.

Moe Szyslak: No, no, don't try to stop me.

Homer Simpson: We're not. Your sleeve got caught on that tree. Here, let me unhook ya.

Homer Simpson: Off you go.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, thanks.

Moe Szyslak: Gee, uh, this is the second-most guns ever pointed at me.

Moe Szyslak: You know, a couple weeks ago I wouldn't have minded if you shot me. But all that's changed, because of this little girl here. Look at her. Ain't she a doll?

Fat Tony: I ain't cried like this since I paid to see Godfather Three.

Moe Szyslak: Here's your baby back.

Marge Simpson: Thanks, Moe. I'm sorry we thought you were a baby-napper.

Homer Simpson: Or worse, am I right?

Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey, hey, the important thing is, little Maggie is safe.

Moe Szyslak: Well, I gotta get home. There might be a telemarketer calling or something. I'll see you when you're old enough to drink, okay, Magpie.

Moe Szyslak: Oh great, I'm caught on another tree. (BITTER) Lousy shirt-grabbin', sap-drippin'...

Moe Szyslak: Whaaa?!

Marge Simpson: (SMILING) I don't think Maggie wants you out of her life, Moe.

Homer Simpson: (TENTATIVE) Moe, I was just thinking, if Maggie and I were in the neighborhood, maybe we could drop by and have a playdate with you... and your ham.

Moe Szyslak: We'd like that, Homer.