Waylon Smithers: (WRITING) "Item being procured: one standard-size paperclip." (WEARY SIGH)

Homer Simpson: Did you guys see that stupid foul call in the game last night?

Lenny Leonard: See it? We followed the ref home and beat the crap out of him.

Carl Carlson: I still think that might've been a kid who worked at Foot Locker.

Carl Carlson: Hey, the supply room's open. I better close it.

Homer Simpson: (DOPPLER) Unguarded stuffff...!

Homer Simpson: Attention, lovers of free office supplies! Come and steal things you can easily afford!

C. Montgomery Burns: Can someone open this bottle of mother wolf placenta for me?

Homer Simpson: (SCARED NOISE) Mr. Burns! Save me, panic!

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

C. Montgomery Burns: (GASP) My rubberized bands! My binder clips! (EXTREMELY HORRIFIED GASP) My accordion Post-Its!

C. Montgomery Burns: (HURT AND DISAPPOINTED) Oh Lenny, why would you steal my bear?

Lenny Leonard: (SADLY) I just wanted something to cuddle at night.

C. Montgomery Burns: That's my cuddle bear! I loved him, I shot him, he's mine!

C. Montgomery Burns: It has come to my attention that you lunch-bagging wage-lizards are robbing me blind!

Barney Gumble: If you paid us better, we wouldn't have to steal!

C. Montgomery Burns: You don't even work here!

Barney Gumble: (STARTLED NOISE) You mean I've been calling in sick for nothin'?!

Barney Gumble: I may not be here tomorrow, that's for sure.

C. Montgomery Burns: Only one of you monkeys wasn't caught with his sticky paw in my tin cup... (ADORING) Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: (SHEEPISH CHUCKLE) How ya doin' there?

Lenny Leonard: He threw us under the bus, and now he's sittin' in the bus driver's lap!

C. Montgomery Burns: Now Simpson, how is it that you alone manage to keep your moral compass pointed to true north?

Homer Simpson: Well sir, before I do anything I stop and ask myself, "What would Jesus and Mr. Burns do?"

Carl Carlson: You are garbage made flesh!

C. Montgomery Burns: Hush! Now, while Simpson gets the day off, the rest of you will write thirty-page essays entitled "Homer Simpson: Moral Lodestar."

Lenny Leonard: Question: can we have fun with it?

C. Montgomery Burns: No you may not!

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Y'know boy, my dad used to take me fishing just like this.

Homer Simpson: More angry texts from work!

Bart Simpson: (WHISTLES) That's a lotta eights!

Bart Simpson: (CHUCKLES) I can't believe you got all your friends in trouble, and you got the day off!

Homer Simpson: Hey, it's called "karma." (SIPS BEER)

Bart Simpson: Isn't karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you?

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) A common misconception.

Homer Simpson: Suck it, karma! Yeah! I'm talkin' to you, karma! (COCKY LAUGH) Karma's a bitch, karma!

Homer Simpson: Nothin' better than a lazy Saturday morning, lying in a warm, moist bed. Because weekends are-- (HORRIFIED) Moist?!

Homer Simpson: I wet the bed! The one embarrassing thing I've never done!

Homer Simpson: Marge, from time to time I've heard you speak of a "washing" "machine." Where would I find this marvelous contraption?

Marge Simpson: Why? Are you going to do the laundry?

Homer Simpson: Not just the laundry... (THINKING FAST) That would be weird, and you might ask questions. I wanna do all the chores!

Homer's Brain: (COMPLETELY ASTOUNDED) What the hell are you doing?!

Homer Simpson: Don't yell at me, brain! (POINTS TO SHEETS) This happened on your watch! You have two jobs: thinking and bladder control!

Homer's Brain: I'm doing the best with what I got! All you feed me is reality shows!

Homer Simpson: I like to watch Lamar Odom play X-Box while his giant wife yells at him. Is that so nuts? (BEAT, BRAIN DOESN'T ANSWER) Huh? Yeah, shut you up.

Homer Simpson: Now, I'm sure yesterday's incident of urination domination was a one-time deal. But just to make sure...

Homer Simpson: (SAD MOAN) Why can't I cork my wang-wine?

Thought Bubble Apu: (SING-SONGY) Ho-mer! You do not yet understand the meaning of kar-ma!

Homer Simpson: But isn't karma just an expression of the dharma?

Thought Bubble Apu: (SHOCKED SPUTTERING, THEN) That is beside the point, okay? If something bad is happening to you, it must be because of something you did to others.

Homer Simpson: (REALIZING GASP) Deep down, I must be feeling guilty about getting my friends in trouble! And my problem won't stop till I make things right with them. But first, a little more sleep.

Female Worker: This is the best "I'm sorry" party Homer's ever thrown.

Lenny Leonard: Who the hell are you?

Homer Simpson: (DOLING OUT BURGERS) I'm sorry. Cheese on that? Sorry. Hey, Lenny. Sorry.

Homer Simpson: One more announcement: make sure you whack "piñata me" and not real me.

Carl Carlson: (IMPRESSED) A lot of work went into this thing.

Homer Simpson: (NERVOUS FOR ACCEPTANCE) So, I gotta know... do you guys forgive me?

Carl Carlson: Ain't no problem that free food and free booze won't fix!

Homer Simpson: Free? Uh...

Homer Simpson: Free it is!

Homer Simpson: (SINCERELY MOVED) Thanks, guys. (TO SELF) Tomorrow morning my sheets will be as dry as the surface of Mars except for the poles.

Homer Simpson: (INCREDIBLY-SHOCKED NOISES, THEN:) What the?! Wet again?! (MOANS) I did the right thing for nothing! (GRIM) There's only one solution left.

Store Worker: (BOOMING VOICE) Homer Simpson! You forgot your receipt for your adult bedwetting product! Homer Simpson! Are you there?

Homer Simpson: Okay... Place detection pad here... connect alarm hookup... there!

Homer Simpson: Now that's what I call looking out for number one. (CHUCKLES)

Marge Simpson: (STARTLED YELP) What's going on?

Homer Simpson: Um, uh... probably just the fire alarm -- try to go back to sleep.

Homer Simpson: (HITTING NOISES, THEN) You stupid...

Bart Simpson: (LAUGHS, THEN) What's goin' on? Is this a joke?

Homer Simpson: (SOMBER) Son, I'm afraid the Uralarm Whiz-no-more 9000 is no joke.

Lisa Simpson: What is going on?

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) Kids, there's something I have to tell you -- your mother and I are wetting the bed.

Marge Simpson: We're wetting the bed?

Homer Simpson: Hey, when you were pregnant everything was "we."

Homer Simpson: What?

Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, Homie. A diaper just isn't sexy.

Homer Simpson: What about Cupid? He's smokin' hot.

Marge Simpson: He's a baby with wings!

Homer Simpson: Marge, it's not the diaper, it's what's inside. (CHUCKLES)

Homer Simpson: (STRIPPER-TYPE BRASSY BEAT) BUM-BA-BUM-BA / BUM-BA-BUM-BA...

Marge Simpson: (SADLY) That's just not doing it for me.

Marge Simpson: Professor Frink, are you all right?

Professor Jonathan Frink: Oh yes, yes, I'm fine, my dear. I was just trying to get past the New York Times pay-wall and then kaboy! And what brings you out in the middle of the night?

Marge Simpson: It's kind of embarrassing...

Professor Jonathan Frink: Yes, I heard about your husband's bedwetting problem.

Marge Simpson: How do you know about it?

Professor Jonathan Frink: Tweeted by Bart, re-tweeted by Krusty.

Professor Jonathan Frink: Well, perhaps I can help -- you see, I have invented a device that allows you to enter someone else's dreams, and explore their subconscious.

Marge Simpson: (PUTTING IT TOGETHER) ...so we can go inside Homer's sleeping mind and find out why he's wetting the bed.

Professor Jonathan Frink: Uh yes, in fact, I just used it to cure another Springfielder of his particular obsession.

Disco Stu: Normal Stu likes normal things!

Lisa Simpson: We're actually entering Dad's dreams?

Professor Jonathan Frink: Yes, yes, you see it's the only way you can uncover the psychological trauma that is causing your father's secret shame.

Marge Simpson: Why does Maggie have to go?

Professor Jonathan Frink: (SHARPLY) What am I, a babysitter?!

Homer Simpson: (SLALOMING NOISES THEN:) Hey, guys! Whatcha doing in my dream?

Bart Simpson: Trying to fix your broken brain.

Homer Simpson: My brain's fine! In my dreams I'm an intermediate skier!

Homer Simpson: Ski patrol! Everyone be cool!

Marge Simpson: It's Death! I recognize him from fortieth-birthday cards!

Marge Simpson: (SKIS UP ALONGSIDE) Homie, this might be a clue! What's in that coffin could be behind your nighttime oopsies!

Death: (SCORNFUL) You wet the bed?!

Homer Simpson: Great, now Death knows.

Marge Simpson: What do you see?

Homer Simpson: Um nothing... typical dream nonsense.

Marge Simpson: Relax, everyone knows that if you die in a dream, you just wake up!

Professor Jonathan Frink: Oh, uh, actually, because I neglected to install the latest Adobe Acrobat update, if you die in the dream, you die in real life.

Professor Jonathan Frink: Incidentally, I've also proven that Hell is real, and everyone goes there. (SIGNING OFF) Frink out.

Death: (SCREAMS, THEN, REALIZING) Wait a minute, I can't die.

Death: Mommy!

MUCH-SCARIER DEATH: Uh-oh.

Lisa Simpson: Listen, everyone! We should fall asleep in this dream! One minute at this level equals two hours one dream level below!

Bart Simpson: Wait, dreams have rules?

Lisa Simpson: Everything has rules, Bart.

Bart Simpson: Not me when I hit the dance floor!

"Shorts" Homer: (MATTHAU) Bart! Can the chatter and fetch me a baloney sandwich!

"Shorts" Bart: Why don't you fetch it yourself, man.

"Shorts" Lisa: Bart's making faces!

"Shorts" Homer: Shut up, you kids, and bring me baloney!

"Shorts" Marge: (IRRITATED) Wait nicely!

Therapist: Simpson family?

Therapist: Now, I believe that to solve Homer's problem, he must face what's inside the coffin.

"Shorts" Homer: Forget it, Doc! What if that's my marriage in there?

"Shorts" Bart: Marriage, shmarriage. What's in the box, man?

"Shorts" Homer: See what your monkeyshines have done, boy?!

"Shorts" Bart: Still smells better than your gym socks, man.

"Shorts" Homer: Why you little... I'll teach you to make fun of my socks...

"Shorts" Lisa: (EXCITED) Quick! Quick! Everyone into my dream!

Sideshow Mel Shakespeare: (IAMBIC PENTAMETER) What brings thy merry band to Stratford's plains?

Lisa Simpson: (IAMBIC PENTAMETER, DELIGHTED) Forsooth, a myst'ry-

Bart Simpson: (ANGRY) In your dreams!

Lisa Simpson: (ANGRY NOISE) We never do my thing!

Homer Simpson: I know this dream! It's the land of my innermost thoughts and fondest desires!

Marge Simpson: At last we'll get to the bottom of...

Woman's Voice: Welcome back, handsome.

Homer Simpson: Uh, Marge, this is my friend Keggy...

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: In this fantasy Kwik-E-Mart, you get your change in bacon.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Moes: In this place mothers are for drunk driving!

Bart Simpson: Hey Dad, if this is your fantasy world, how come Flanders is here?

Ned Flanders: Hidilly-ho, Dream Team!

FLANDERS' MOUTH AND MOUSTACHE: (POINTEDLY) Where's my God now?

Marge Simpson: Homie! We're here to find answers to your problem!

Marge Simpson: We know there's a marriage in trouble and it has something to do with fish...

Homer Simpson: Oh, lighten up, Marge. I take you to the Disneyland of me, and you just wanna go to the Lost and Found. Well guess what? We're stayin' in this dream forever!

Homer Simpson: (ALTERNATE HAPPY THINGS TO SAY) Whee! I'm in me! / Oh! / I love the down parts! Here comes!

Chief Wiggum: Unplug these people, Dr. Ker-dork-ian!

Professor Jonathan Frink: Oh you foolish man, if I unhook them now, I won't know if this is safe to use on chimps!

Chief Wiggum: All right, I'll do it myself. Give me that, give me it!

Homer Simpson: (SCREAMS) Quick! Gum up the gears with Moes!

Moe Szyslak: (GETTING CRUSHED NOISE, THEN:) Hey, you know what's good for cleaning Moe gunk outta your rollers? White vinegar. Yeah-- (ANGUISHED NOISE)

Lou: We're gonna be here a long time.

Professor Jonathan Frink: (SUPER SLOW) The machine.

Homer Simpson: Oh Death, you're a lifesaver!

Homer Simpson: Thank you, Death. And may I ask what's taking so long with Larry King?

Death: I am not...

Mona Simpson: ...death.

Homer Simpson: Mom?!

Lisa Simpson: Gramma! (THEY HUG HER)

Marge Simpson: Mona, you're alive?!

Mona Simpson: No, (SWEETLY) but I live on in Homer's dreams.

Homer Simpson: Just like my hair.

Marge Simpson: That's Jennifer Aniston's hair on "Friends."

Homer Simpson: Exactly like Chandler, always criticizing.

Mona Simpson: Now I have something to show you.

Mona Simpson: Something that just might help Homer wake up dry.

Homer Simpson: Wow!

Homer Simpson: Roomy.

Mona Simpson: While you boys are out playing in the boat, I'll go to the store and pick us up some dinner.

Grampa Simpson: No need -- with two Simpson men in the boat, we'll bring you back a pile of fish!

Little Homer: I'm in charge of the tackle box!

Grampa Simpson: (NERVOUS) And we're off!

Little Homer: Goodbye!

Bart Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Man, Homer, you've always been a loser.

Homer Simpson: Why you little...

Homer Simpson: There's nothing in this dream world that can't strangle you!

Little Homer: I heard you and mommy yelling again last night.

Grampa Simpson: Oh, no, no. It was just a TV show... Mitch Miller was yelling at one of his idiot singers. You just concentrate on catchin' the fish and not whether there'll be someone there to cook it.

Grampa Simpson: I got a bite!

Little Homer: We got a fish! We got a fish!

Grampa Simpson: Settle down there, boy.

Little Homer: After we eat it, can we let it go? Can we catch a submarine?

Mona Simpson: You got home hours late with no fish. It was only a few weeks later that I left your father for good.

Homer Simpson: (MISERABLE) You left him because I tipped the boat over and ruined the vacation!

Bart Simpson: Pathetic. A kid who can't keep his parents' marriage together is no kid at all.

Homer Simpson: It's true! I failed the basic duty of childhood. (GASPS) And then when I took Bart fishing, it all came back -- and the guilt made me wet the bed!

Marge Simpson: Case closed! Now, let's return our dream skis.

Mona Simpson: Case not closed.

Marge Simpson: Uh-oh.

Mona Simpson: You have nothing to feel guilty about, and I can show you. Roll the film, Cletus.

Cletus Spuckler: (SURLY) "Roll the film, Cletus." "Kiss me, Cletus." Whatever you say, boss lady.

Grampa Simpson: Sorry, Mona. We had more of an adventure than we planned on.

Mona Simpson: It's okay, Abe. You brought back the only treasure I care about.

Mona Simpson: And when the time came that I had to leave your father, I knew you were in good hands.

Homer Simpson: (HAPPILY) I'm cured. I'll never wet the bed again.

Marge Simpson: And maybe you'll stop overeating too!

Homer Simpson: No can do, baby.

Mona Simpson: And never forget, Homer: the three of us will always be together in your memory.

Mona Simpson: Right next to the movie trivia.

"Robin Williams": Stanley Kubrick wanted Robin Williams to star in "The Shining."

"Ronald Reagan": "Casablanca" was originally going to star Ronald Reagan.

"John Travolta": There was a "Grease Two" and I wasn't in it. Whoa!

"John Travolta": (BRUSHED-ASIDE NOISES) Hey, watch it!

Mona Simpson: And now you'd better run along, sweetheart.

Homer Simpson: (CHOKED-UP) Goodbye.

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! I'm dry! (THRILLED) Come on, everybody! Feel daddy's underpants!

Lisa Simpson: We'll take your word for it.

Homer Simpson: So what do I do again?

Marge Simpson: Spin the top. If it falls over, we're in reality. If it spins forever, we're still in a dream.

Homer Simpson: All right.

Homer Simpson: Look at it go! All right! Hey, since it's a dream, let's ride our bikes naked around town.

Marge Simpson: Sounds like a plan!

Marge Simpson: Is that hail coming down?

Homer Simpson: It's just dream hail! Ow! Oh! Ow! Dream hail! (REPEATED SCREAMS) Hey, there's a dream truck!

David Byrne: (SINGS) WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE / YOU DREAMED YOU WERE BIG / YOU MUST'VE BEEN SOMETHIN' / A REAL TINY KID

Mona Simpson: (SINGS) WHEN YOU WERE BIG / AND NEEDED ADVICE / YOU REACHED FOR YOUR MOM / YOU DREAMED ME ALIVE / AND YOUR

David Byrne: (SINGS) DREAM HAD A NAME / AND THE NAME TOLD YOUR STORY / IT'S CALLED GROWING UP / YOU'RE THE DREAM OPERATORRR...