How I Wet Your Mother
With help from one of Professor Frink's inventions, Marge and the kids enter Homer's dreams in hopes of curing him of incontinence. ...
- CAST & CREW
- Dan Castellaneta
- Nancy Cartwright
- Julie Kavner
- Yeardley Smith
- Harry Shearer
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(Springfield Nuclear Power Plant: EXT. SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR PLANT - DAY - ESTABLISHING)
Waylon Smithers: (WRITING) "Item being procured: one standard-size paperclip." (WEARY SIGH)
(Springfield Nuclear Power Plant: ext. nuclear plant - later that day - establishing)
Homer Simpson: Attention, lovers of free office supplies! Come and steal things you can easily afford!
(Springfield Nuclear Power Plant: Ext. Springfield nuCLEAR PLANT - parking lot - end of day)
C. Montgomery Burns: (GASP) My rubberized bands! My binder clips! (EXTREMELY HORRIFIED GASP) My accordion Post-Its!
C. Montgomery Burns: (HURT AND DISAPPOINTED) Oh Lenny, why would you steal my bear?
(Springfield Nuclear Power Plant: Ext. Nuclear plant - the neXT morning - establishinG)
C. Montgomery Burns: It has come to my attention that you lunch-bagging wage-lizards are robbing me blind!
C. Montgomery Burns: Only one of you monkeys wasn't caught with his sticky paw in my tin cup... (ADORING) Homer Simpson!
Lenny Leonard: He threw us under the bus, and now he's sittin' in the bus driver's lap!
C. Montgomery Burns: Now Simpson, how is it that you alone manage to keep your moral compass pointed to true north?
Homer Simpson: Well sir, before I do anything I stop and ask myself, "What would Jesus and Mr. Burns do?"
C. Montgomery Burns: Hush! Now, while Simpson gets the day off, the rest of you will write thirty-page essays entitled "Homer Simpson: Moral Lodestar."
Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Y'know boy, my dad used to take me fishing just like this.
Bart Simpson: (CHUCKLES) I can't believe you got all your friends in trouble, and you got the day off!
Homer Simpson: Suck it, karma! Yeah! I'm talkin' to you, karma! (COCKY LAUGH) Karma's a bitch, karma!
Homer Simpson: Nothin' better than a lazy Saturday morning, lying in a warm, moist bed. Because weekends are-- (HORRIFIED) Moist?!
Homer Simpson: Marge, from time to time I've heard you speak of a "washing" "machine." Where would I find this marvelous contraption?
Homer Simpson: Not just the laundry... (THINKING FAST) That would be weird, and you might ask questions. I wanna do all the chores!
Homer Simpson: Don't yell at me, brain! (POINTS TO SHEETS) This happened on your watch! You have two jobs: thinking and bladder control!
Homer's Brain: I'm doing the best with what I got! All you feed me is reality shows!
Homer Simpson: I like to watch Lamar Odom play X-Box while his giant wife yells at him. Is that so nuts? (BEAT, BRAIN DOESN'T ANSWER) Huh? Yeah, shut you up.
Homer Simpson: Now, I'm sure yesterday's incident of urination domination was a one-time deal. But just to make sure...
Thought Bubble Apu: (SING-SONGY) Ho-mer! You do not yet understand the meaning of kar-ma!
Thought Bubble Apu: (SHOCKED SPUTTERING, THEN) That is beside the point, okay? If something bad is happening to you, it must be because of something you did to others.
Homer Simpson: (REALIZING GASP) Deep down, I must be feeling guilty about getting my friends in trouble! And my problem won't stop till I make things right with them. But first, a little more sleep.
Homer Simpson: (DOLING OUT BURGERS) I'm sorry. Cheese on that? Sorry. Hey, Lenny. Sorry.
Homer Simpson: One more announcement: make sure you whack "piñata me" and not real me.
Homer Simpson: (NERVOUS FOR ACCEPTANCE) So, I gotta know... do you guys forgive me?
Homer Simpson: (SINCERELY MOVED) Thanks, guys. (TO SELF) Tomorrow morning my sheets will be as dry as the surface of Mars except for the poles.
Homer Simpson: (INCREDIBLY-SHOCKED NOISES, THEN:) What the?! Wet again?! (MOANS) I did the right thing for nothing! (GRIM) There's only one solution left.
Store Worker: (BOOMING VOICE) Homer Simpson! You forgot your receipt for your adult bedwetting product! Homer Simpson! Are you there?
Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) Kids, there's something I have to tell you -- your mother and I are wetting the bed.
Professor Jonathan Frink: Oh yes, yes, I'm fine, my dear. I was just trying to get past the New York Times pay-wall and then kaboy! And what brings you out in the middle of the night?
Professor Jonathan Frink: Well, perhaps I can help -- you see, I have invented a device that allows you to enter someone else's dreams, and explore their subconscious.
Marge Simpson: (PUTTING IT TOGETHER) ...so we can go inside Homer's sleeping mind and find out why he's wetting the bed.
Professor Jonathan Frink: Uh yes, in fact, I just used it to cure another Springfielder of his particular obsession.
Professor Jonathan Frink: Yes, yes, you see it's the only way you can uncover the psychological trauma that is causing your father's secret shame.
Marge Simpson: (SKIS UP ALONGSIDE) Homie, this might be a clue! What's in that coffin could be behind your nighttime oopsies!
Professor Jonathan Frink: Oh, uh, actually, because I neglected to install the latest Adobe Acrobat update, if you die in the dream, you die in real life.
Professor Jonathan Frink: Incidentally, I've also proven that Hell is real, and everyone goes there. (SIGNING OFF) Frink out.
Lisa Simpson: Listen, everyone! We should fall asleep in this dream! One minute at this level equals two hours one dream level below!
Therapist: Now, I believe that to solve Homer's problem, he must face what's inside the coffin.
Sideshow Mel Shakespeare: (IAMBIC PENTAMETER) What brings thy merry band to Stratford's plains?
Homer Simpson: I know this dream! It's the land of my innermost thoughts and fondest desires!
Marge Simpson: We know there's a marriage in trouble and it has something to do with fish...
Homer Simpson: Oh, lighten up, Marge. I take you to the Disneyland of me, and you just wanna go to the Lost and Found. Well guess what? We're stayin' in this dream forever!
Homer Simpson: (ALTERNATE HAPPY THINGS TO SAY) Whee! I'm in me! / Oh! / I love the down parts! Here comes!
Professor Jonathan Frink: Oh you foolish man, if I unhook them now, I won't know if this is safe to use on chimps!
Moe Szyslak: (GETTING CRUSHED NOISE, THEN:) Hey, you know what's good for cleaning Moe gunk outta your rollers? White vinegar. Yeah-- (ANGUISHED NOISE)
Homer Simpson: Thank you, Death. And may I ask what's taking so long with Larry King?
Mona Simpson: While you boys are out playing in the boat, I'll go to the store and pick us up some dinner.
Grampa Simpson: No need -- with two Simpson men in the boat, we'll bring you back a pile of fish!
Grampa Simpson: Oh, no, no. It was just a TV show... Mitch Miller was yelling at one of his idiot singers. You just concentrate on catchin' the fish and not whether there'll be someone there to cook it.
Mona Simpson: You got home hours late with no fish. It was only a few weeks later that I left your father for good.
Homer Simpson: (MISERABLE) You left him because I tipped the boat over and ruined the vacation!
Bart Simpson: Pathetic. A kid who can't keep his parents' marriage together is no kid at all.
Homer Simpson: It's true! I failed the basic duty of childhood. (GASPS) And then when I took Bart fishing, it all came back -- and the guilt made me wet the bed!
Mona Simpson: You have nothing to feel guilty about, and I can show you. Roll the film, Cletus.
Cletus Spuckler: (SURLY) "Roll the film, Cletus." "Kiss me, Cletus." Whatever you say, boss lady.
Mona Simpson: And when the time came that I had to leave your father, I knew you were in good hands.
Mona Simpson: And never forget, Homer: the three of us will always be together in your memory.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! I'm dry! (THRILLED) Come on, everybody! Feel daddy's underpants!
Marge Simpson: Spin the top. If it falls over, we're in reality. If it spins forever, we're still in a dream.
Homer Simpson: Look at it go! All right! Hey, since it's a dream, let's ride our bikes naked around town.
Homer Simpson: It's just dream hail! Ow! Oh! Ow! Dream hail! (REPEATED SCREAMS) Hey, there's a dream truck!
David Byrne: (SINGS) WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE / YOU DREAMED YOU WERE BIG / YOU MUST'VE BEEN SOMETHIN' / A REAL TINY KID
Mona Simpson: (SINGS) WHEN YOU WERE BIG / AND NEEDED ADVICE / YOU REACHED FOR YOUR MOM / YOU DREAMED ME ALIVE / AND YOUR
With help from one of Professor Frink's inventions, Marge and the kids enter Homer's dreams in hopes of curing him of incontinence. ...
(5 Clips)
Clip From S23/E16
Dream Hail
Homer and Marge ride their bikes naked, thinking it's a dream.
Clip From S23/E16
The Bedwetting Alarm
Homer buys an alarm to notify him when he wets the bed.
Clip From S23/E16
Homer Wets the Bed
Homer is embarrassed when he wakes up in a puddle of urine.
Clip From S23/E16
Homer's Dream
Marge and the kids enter Homer's dream, where he is skiing.
Clip From S23/E16
Keggy
Marge gets jealous of Keggy in Homer's dream.