Lenny Leonard: You know, I love our Valentine's Day tradition of going out with each others' sisters.

Carl Carlson: Is there anything better than my best friend's face on a girl body?

Lainie: Not that I can think of!

Carlotta: Nothin' better!

Moe Szyslak: Boy, I love Valentine's Day. Stir a drop of Jägermeister into some pink lemonade, slice in some strawberry Chapstick, call it "Cupid's Ambrosia," and you can charge up the wazoo.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Now all you need are customers. (DRAINS THE DRINK) Well, better get home to the little woman. (CHUCKLES)

Homer Simpson: (TO MOE, SLIGHTLY CONCERNED) Do you have plans for tonight?

Moe Szyslak: What are you, crazy? Of course I do. I got a hot date. C'mon, scram, so I can get ready!

Moe Szyslak: I'm tellin' ya, I'm fine. I've never been happier. See?

Moe Szyslak: That's a smile, right? Showin' teeth, eyes all crinkly. (WEAK LAUGH)

Moe Szyslak: (HUGE SOBS, THEN SEES HOMER) Stop opening doors!

Announcer: Coming up next on "World of War"...

Announcer: "Hitler and Eva Braun: Crazy In Love."

Moe Szyslak: Even you let me down, Hitler.

Man's Voice: Hey, you! Spending Valentine's Day by yourself?

Moe Szyslak: (BIG) Huhza?

Dr. Kissingher: If you're watching this alone, your love life is like "Sister Act 3": no Whoopi!

Moe Szyslak: I knew my love life was like that movie somehow.

Dr. Kissingher: Well, I'm going to tell you my secrets right now...

Dr. Kissingher: If "right now" means "tomorrow night at my seminar at the Springfield Airport Motor Lodge." So if you're ready to turn from couch potato to sex tornado, come and see me, Dr. Kissingher.

Moe Szyslak: Eh, what have I got to lose? They say for every man, somewhere on Earth there's one woman.

Marge Simpson: (GASP) Homer! We only have five minutes until the school bus comes.

Homer Simpson: (HORRIFIED) Drive my kids to school?! Never!

Homer Simpson: Stupid double snuggler's hitch! (STRUGGLES) Only hope is to chew off my leg.

Homer Simpson: (ANGUISHED CHEWING NOISES) Ow! (MORE CHEWING) Ow! (MORE CHEWING) (MORE CHEWING) Huh, mmm, not bad. (MORE CHEWING) Just a hundred and twenty-seven more hours.

Marge Simpson: (GASPS) My first gray hair!

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Oh Marge, don't worry, a lot of movie stars have gray hair, like all those women we loved in the eighties.

Marge Simpson: (TOUCHED) Homie, you always mean to say the nicest things.

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) Well, it's not easy with you talking all the time. (CHUCKLES)

Moe Szyslak: Uh, excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up free escorts?

Gary Chalmers: Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.

Ned Flanders: Well, I got excited for nothing.

Dr. Kissingher: Gentlemen... prepare for the Potentate of the Potent Date. The know-it-all of the protocol of the booty call.

Dr. Kissingher: Dr. Kiss-ing-her!

Dr. Kissingher: Once, we were single-celled organisms who could replicate whenever we wanted.

Barney Gumble: We were men back then!

Dr. Kissingher: But today we need more help. Who's first? (POINTS TO WILLIE) You, the guy who's been here since three this afternoon.

Groundskeeper Willie: (STANDING) It's hard to meet girls when you're paid in chickens.

Dr. Kissingher: (ROLE-PLAYING) Okay, I'm a sexy girl. And research shows that my decision to sleep with you happens in the first six point five seconds. Go.

Groundskeeper Willie: Uh, my name's Willie, and all I do is get drunk and kill squirrels with me shovel.

Dr. Kissingher: Okay, now I'll translate that into "romance language."

Dr. Kissingher: "Hi, I'm William. I'm a connoisseur of fine spirits, and I love animals to death.

Moe Szyslak: (STANDS UP) Do me next! Do me next!

Dr. Kissingher: Yahhh! A monster! Save me! (RECOVERING QUICKLY, EMBARRASSED CHUCKLE) Sorry, that was unprofessional. Please, go on.

Moe Szyslak: Name's Moe Szyslak. As a kid, I had roundworm. Heck, I was more worm than boy for a couple of years. I dabbled in Satanism, until I was asked to leave. Oh, uh, and one month I ate nothing but aquarium fish.

Dr. Kissingher: (SIGHS) Your only hope is to use a wingman.

Moe Szyslak: What's a wingman?

Dr. Kissingher: A wingman is a friend--

Moe Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, whoa, now I gotta find a friend?

Dr. Kissingher: You need someone who's secretly on your side, making you look good to women. But he can't be more handsome or appealing than you.

Moe Szyslak: Okay, let's take a flip through the Moe-lodex. Bingo.

Moe Szyslak: That was a weird day.

Seymour Skinner: Sir, would you be my wingman?

Gary Chalmers: (NODS) We could try it out this weekend at the "Faculty Follies" after-party.

Seymour Skinner: One thing -- what if there's a woman we both like?

Gary Chalmers: Well, we'll use the time-honored "I saw her first" rule.

Seymour Skinner: What if I see her hand at the same time you see her face?

Gary Chalmers: Face beats hand!

Julio: So, after dinner I cut his hair and he readjusted my mortgage. That's what he does. And how was your Valentine's Day?

Marge Simpson: (RECALLING FONDLY) Very romantic. Homer had the basketball game muted the whole time. (CASUAL) Oh, and then I found a gray hair. No big deal.

Julio: Marge... It's time I told you the truth. You've been grayer than a Seattle Cinco de Mayo for years now.

Marge Simpson: Really?

Julio: Yes, the dye not only colors your hair, but the fumes wipe the experience from your mind.

Julio: (COMMANDING, TO ASSISTANTS) Jimothy, Aquanetta, it's touch-up time! Gloves and foil, people! Let's go! Crinkle, crinkle.

Julio: Oh, Janis, I'm so sorry, can we reschedule? It's a battle of the Blue and Gray and I'm Gaybraham Lincoln, baby.

Middle-aged Lady: Oh, that's okay. I only needed a touchup. My husband and I can use the time to take a long romantic walk.

Marge Simpson: (THOUGHTFUL NOISE) She doesn't seem so worried about her gray hair.

Julio: (ADMIRING) Oh, her self-confidence doesn't come from a bottle. Now, let's rub this toxic blue goo onto your scalp.

Julio: Um-hm. Little of that. Mix it up...

Marge Simpson: I brought home fried chicken...

Marge Simpson: And a completely new hairstyle!

Marge Simpson: A completely new hairstyle!

Marge Simpson: So, what do you think?

Executive #1: She wants an honest answer! What do we do?

Executive #2: I don't know! I don't know!

Executive #3: We could fake a stroke!

Executive #2: The last time we faked a stroke, it led to a real one!

Executive #1: (PANIC-STRICKEN) We're running out of time, people! We need an answer! And it needs to be great!

Homer Simpson: So... chicken.

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED) Well, what do you kids think of the real me?

Lisa Simpson: (GENUINE) I love it. I know I use the word "empowering" a lot, but this time it really is that.

Bart Simpson: I just have one question about hair. Where does mine start? (TOUCHING THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD, GROWING PANIC) Head, head, head, hair... where's the border?

Lisa Simpson: (PANICKY) Oh my God, me too!

Bart Simpson: (ANGUISHED) What are we?!

Marge Simpson: (ANXIOUS) What do you think, Homie?

Homer Simpson: Sweetie, you've always been beautiful, but now you're my silver belle. Let me get the camera we use for precious moments and insurance claims.

Homer Simpson: (ANGUISHED NOISE) What has she done?! I feel like I'm married to Richard Gere!

Homer Simpson: I can't talk now, I'm talking to myself! No, no, Homer, go ahead. Thanks, Homer, it'll just be a minute. (TO MOE) What's up?

Moe Szyslak: Hey wingman, you're supposed to be here like you promised.

Homer Simpson: (GRATEFUL) Oh, thank you, prior obligation!

Lisa Simpson: (HYPERVENTILATES, CRAZED) I can't take it. I'm just going to draw a hairline on.

Homer Simpson: So basically, my job is to make you look good by comparison. Like West Virginia does for Virginia.

Homer Simpson: (KNOWING CHUCKLE) The good doctor has just the prescription.

Dr. Kissingher: "Jumping on the Grenade:" the wingman engages the less attractive friend, isolating the target. (SHRINKING NOISE)

Homer Simpson: You ever notice that pizzas have gotten so small lately?

Heavyset Woman: (DIABETTY VOICE) They're like dimes!

Homer Simpson: Yes, that's exactly it!

Heavyset Woman: Well, a girl could starve to death!

Homer Simpson: Oh I know.

Moe Szyslak: Wow, your friend did something I could never do.

Attractive Friend: What's that?

Moe Szyslak: Walk away from you.

Dr. Kissingher: "Taking Down a Rival," aka "Talk Blocking." (POWERING DOWN NOISE)

Homer Simpson: So Lenny, ever get that rebar out of your head?

Lenny Leonard: No, they just sawed off the ends and painted over the nubs. Hey, where you goin', baby?

Lenny Leonard: Oh no you don't.

Lenny Leonard: Nice talk-blocking. Would you be willing to wingman for me?

Homer Simpson: Well, I don't know... it's a lot of work.

Lenny Leonard: (SELLING) I just ordered this bottomless pitcher of beer and circumference-less platter of nachos.

Homer Simpson: Deal!

Marge Simpson: Need some coolin' down, Hot Stuff?

Homer's Thoughts: Okay, just imagine she's a Bond girl.

Homer's Thoughts: (BIGGER MOAN) Judi Dench?!

Judi Dench: Kiss me, Double-O Seven.

Blofeld: (SARCASTIC) Good show, Mr. Bond. (SARCASTIC CHUCKLE)

Lisa Simpson: Help! My macaroni Marconi!

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, what happened to your Mom's hair? Did she see something scary like that vampire on "Sesame Street?" They should warn you when he's coming.

Bart Simpson: I don't want to talk about my Mom's hair.

Milhouse Van Houten: Right. It's just weird. Normally I think your mom is hot--

Bart Simpson: Take that back!

Milhouse Van Houten: I'm sorry. What I mean is, she's not hot any more...

Bart Simpson: Take that back!

Nelson Muntz: (DEFENSIVE) So moody! Just like my Mom on her "can't dance" days.

Lisa Simpson: Huh. Let's see what cousin Jessica's up to.

Marge Simpson: There's a woman who's got it all under control.

LUANNE: Marge, your hair -- it's fantastic!

Marge Simpson: (A LITTLE SURPRISED) Well, thank you.

LUANNE: No, thank you for your bravery!

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: I hope I look half as good as you when I give up!

Bernice Hibbert: Such audacity!

Ralph Wiggum: Grandma had hair like that when she went to sleep in her forever box.

Lisa Simpson: You can't listen to those women, Mom. Change threatens them. They didn't like it when the Springfield Shopper started printing in color.

Marge Simpson: Neither did I. I didn't want to know what color the Statue of Liberty was. But you know what? I was wrong. And these ladies are too.

Cashier: (GINGERLY) Ma'am, do you have any kind of a... discount card?

Marge Simpson: What kind of card?

Cashier: (DELICATELY) Well, you know... maybe you belong to the A.A...

Marge Simpson: The A.A.? No!

Cashier: Oh no, I meant the A.A.--

Marge Simpson: A.A.A.? No, I'm not in triple-A. I don't like their "Westways" magazine. They'll give four diamonds to any place that's got a lid on the toilet.

Cashier: No, I meant the A.A... R...

Marge Simpson: (LOUDLY) P?! (GASPS) The A.A.R.P.?! (OFFENDED) Well that tears it. I don't want this milk and I'm not gonna take it back.

Cashier: (GENTLY) That's okay, we have a young man who does that for you.

Gil Gunderson: Right here, ma'am. Oh boy, a "put back!" I hope it takes me by the freezer section. Stick my head in the pizza case it's like a ski vacation! I can imagine the pepperonis are Swiss chalets nestled in a big layer of mozzarella snow!

Seymour Skinner: Bart, eyewitnesses to your fight described you as "berserkoid," "totally aggro," and said you punched Milhouse "like fifty billion times." That's an excessive number of times.

Seymour Skinner: (KINDLY) What's bothering you, son?

Bart Simpson: I... I don't want to talk about it.

Seymour Skinner: Thank God. I don't want to either.

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: Remember, Bart, anything you say here is confidential.

Bart Simpson: Can we close the door?

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: Oh, there is no door. State regulations.

Sherri Mackleberry: Hey, Bart!

Terri Mackleberry: Still freakin' out 'cause your Mom aged thirty years in a day?

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: (EXPLAINING) Don't judge them too harshly. They recently learned they were once two-thirds of conjoined triplets. And the third one is out for revenge. Now Bart, share your most intimate thoughts with me.

Bart Simpson: I don't think I want to.

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: Oh... Well, maybe it'd be easier for you to talk to my colleague Doctor Thera-bear.

Bart Simpson: (TO BEAR) Well...

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: Hold on. I'm not allowed in the room while you talk to the bear.

Bart Simpson: All right, I know there's a camera in you somewhere.

Seymour Skinner: They never think to look behind the Jazz-Fest Poster.

Patty Bouvier: So it's true -- your hair committed blue-icide.

Marge Simpson: I thought you'd be more supportive. I mean, you went gray yourselves.

Selma Bouvier: No, we didn't. (POINTING TO HER HAIR) This is just smoke and ash.

Patty Bouvier: So what does your husband, Vidal Baboon, think of the new look?

Marge Simpson: He loves it! He calls me his "silver belle!"

Selma Bouvier: That means he hates it. If he really liked it he'd just paw at it instead of getting all clever.

Marge Simpson: Why are you always trying to cause trouble with me and Homer? Our marriage is rock solid!

Young Woman #1: So, do you think Homer is gonna be at Club Zipless tonight?

Young Woman #2: I sure hope so.

Young Woman #1: Oops, dropped my stirrer.

Young Woman #2: (DOING HOMER IMPRESSION) "D'oh!"

Selma Bouvier: Well, Marge. Ready to kick Homer to the curb?

Patty Bouvier: I can bend him like Beckham.

Marge Simpson: Sorry, but I'm fighting for my man!

Marge Simpson: Give me a double espresso to go.

Waitress: Ma'am are you sure that's wise, with what I presume is your heart condition?

Jimbo Jones: Woo! Go, granny, go!

DOLPH: Aw jeez, she's comin' back!

Kearney Zzyzwicz: Run, bullies, run!

Marge Simpson: Look out, chicks! The silver fox is coming to the hen house!

Marge Simpson: (BREATHING HEAVILY) I'm okay, I'm okay.

Marge Simpson: Brambles!

Marge Simpson: Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Marge Simpson: (DETERMINED) I'm looking for Homer Simpson.

Bouncer: (WISEGUY) What, did he eat your candy house and push you into the oven?

Marge Simpson: Odd, that's what the valet just asked me.

Valet: (ALSO WISEGUY) How ya doin'?

Bouncer: Nice to see ya. Life is good?

Valet: Can't complain.

Bouncer: Can't or won't?

Valet: You just crossed a line, pally.

Young Woman #1: (VERY ATTRACTED) Oh Homer, I've never seen a drunk hold his vomit like you. (PURRS)

Homer Simpson: (TIPSY) I do keep it together. (CHUCKLES)

Homer Simpson: Uh-oh. Usually when it gets this quiet Mr. Burns is standing behind me.

C. Montgomery Burns: Actually, I'm standing in front of you.

C. Montgomery Burns: I decided to hit the local nighteries with my trusted wingman.

Burns' Wingman: (BRITISH) I flew the first packet of royal mail across the Khyber Pass, dodging the poison-tipped spears of the dreaded Zim-Zam Tribe.

C. Montgomery Burns: (CHUCKLES) So, which of you wants to be the sliced haddock in a geezer sandwich?

Young Woman #2: (INTRIGUED NOISE) There's a lot of beefcake on the grill tonight.

Marge Simpson: Get your hands off my husband!

Dr. Kissingher: (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) This is a situation I call "The Doctor Is Out." (DISAPPEARING NOISE)

Homer Simpson: Marge? What are you doing here? This bar is for singles and wingmen only.

Young Woman #1: That's your wife?

Young Woman #2: Do you see her as we see her?

Homer Simpson: Marge, Marge, put down that broom. You've got nothing to be afraid of from them. I'm a wingman. Part of a great tradition including Val Kilmer from "Top Gun," Wedge Antilles from "Star Wars," and me, from now. And you know why I'm a great wingman? Because I have the confidence that comes from knowing I get to go home to you.

Homer Simpson: And you know what else this whole experience has taught me?

Marge Simpson: True beauty isn't about hair color?

Homer Simpson: Probably.

Marge Simpson: But be honest, when I say "beautiful woman," what pops into your head?

Homer Simpson: Well, I guess I do have a "type."

Lisa Simpson: Mom, your choice to go back to blue is so empowering.

Marge Simpson: But you said going from blue to gray was empowering.

Lisa Simpson: Well, as a feminist, virtually anything a woman does is empowering.

Marge Simpson: (GETTING IT) Oh.

Homer Simpson: Is my job creating power, empowering?

Lisa Simpson: No. It's oddly dehumanizing.

Bart Simpson: Hey Dad, did you color your hair too?

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Only my hairdresser knows for sure.

Marge Simpson: (PLAYFUL) Oh hello, young man! Where's your father?

Homer Simpson: (EQUALLY PLAYFUL) He's dying in a retirement home. Now kiss me.