Otto Mann: Hey, this place was one of the planets on "Star Trek!"

Nelson Muntz: It's so hot I want to wedgie the sun!

Ralph Wiggum: I wet my arm-pants!

Seymour Skinner: Children, I hope we all have a pleasant and orderly day here at "Satan's Anvil." No one knows why the early settlers called it that, and I suppose we never will.

Seymour Skinner: Now remember to stay hydrated, and--

Seymour Skinner: (TERRIFIED NOISE) Rattlesnake!

Gary Chalmers: Ha! You fall for that every year, Seymour.

Seymour Skinner: And the one year I didn't, I was bitten by an actual rattlesnake.

Gary Chalmers: Yes, if I recall, you took a sick day you did not have.

Seymour Skinner: I was gonna lose my foot.

Gary Chalmers: Of which you have two.

Martin Prince: Greetings, desert dwellers!

Leathery Old Man: (FURIOUS) Git out! The second we let one trespasser on our land, then every goldang--

Leathery Old Man: Aw, for crying out... It's like Grand Central Station around here!

Leathery Old Woman: Now Delbert, be nice. He's just a boy.

Leathery Old Man: (PARANOID) Oh sure! First they send a boy... then a prairie dog... (OMINOUS) then they send in them black helicopters.

Soldier: Sir, you have won a National Endowment For The Arts grant for your scrap-metal sculptures!

Leathery Old Man: You'll have to put that check in my cold dead hands!

Park Ranger: This park's environment has been preserved free of invasive species, except for one -- rock climbers.

Park Ranger: Uh, my jaw is not a toe-hold!

Climber: (PREPPY) But if I reach your summit, I'll have climbed rangers on seven continents!

Park Ranger: (ROLLS EYES) Fine.

Climber: (PAINED) Oh, I sprained my ankle! (SOBS) I'm gonna die up here!

Park Ranger: Hang on, I'm comin' up for ya.

Climber: Hurry before it gets dark!

Park Ranger: (NOISES OF EFFORT) This next move is tricky. (NOISES OF EFFORT)

Bart Simpson: Oh my God! The legends are true!

Milhouse Van Houten: Did you find gold?

Bart Simpson: Better -- the prospectors left naughty French postcards!

Bart Simpson: Whoa, mama.

Nelson Muntz: Bart, this is fool's porn! I'll take it off your hands.

Nelson Muntz: (NAUGHTY CHUCKLES) C'est si bon! (TOSSES POSTCARD) Si bon! (TOSSES POSTCARD, LOUD) Si bon! ...Aaand remorse.

Lisa Simpson: (READING TO SELF) "While beautiful, the desert also harbors hidden dangers: cacti, poisonous snakes, and most deadly of all--

Lisa Simpson: Scorpions!"

Lisa Simpson: (PUZZLED NOISE) They calm down when they're near the Springfield Silvertongues!

Lisa Simpson: (GASPS) Now they're aggressive again! I'm sure there's a correlation, but could there be a... (DRAMATIC) causation?

Lisa Simpson: These flowers saved me from a terrible fate -- not getting an "A" on my next science project! (HAPPY CHUCKLE INTERRUPTED BY:)

Seymour Skinner: Lisa, we have to go. Milhouse found a hippie skeleton and he's freaking out.

Milhouse Van Houten: (STUNNED) Never get off the bus!

Milhouse Van Houten: Never get off the bus!

Otto Mann: Check it out, something pathetic's goin' on.

Grampa Simpson: You can't throw me out! I'm not dead yet! That's the deal, man!

Orderly: I'm sorry, Abe, but you're just too cranky.

Grampa Simpson: I got a right to be cranky! The food stinks and the TV's only got one channel!

Orderly: That's a fish tank.

Grampa Simpson: You're a fish tank!

Orderly: (VERY DISTRAUGHT) That is so hurtful.

Orderly: (SOBS) Wish I was a fish tank. Then I could filter out his nasty words. Call me a fish tank...

Other Orderly: Just go, Abe.

Lisa Simpson: That doesn't seem fair -- they won't let him escape, then they kick him out. I wonder where he'll go.

Bart Simpson: Either the grave or somewhere much worse.

Grampa Simpson: (NOTICES SOMETHING, SPUTTERS) Sour cream and chives? In my day, all we put on potatoes was pine needles and barber hair! I hate this century!

Marge Simpson: Okay, we're gonna take turns having Grampa as a roommate. Who wants to go first?

Homer Simpson: (BABY GIRL VOICE) Me! Me! I want him every night, and forever and ever! 'Cause I love my--

Grampa Simpson: Nose in a funny book, how rude! Ain't ya never heard of conversation?

Bart Simpson: (SIGHS) Fine. How's it goin'?

Grampa Simpson: Terrible -- I got this new roommate and he won't stop yappin'!

Grampa Simpson: Here's an experiment for ya: find a man who wants to marry a lady Poindexter! (CACKLE)

Grampa Simpson: Hey! You call that making love?!

Marge Simpson: Homer, I told you he wouldn't sleep through it.

Grampa Simpson: In my day women didn't make a sound!

Lisa Simpson: This calls for some Springfield Silvertongue!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, look! This essence of a wildflower makes these angry scorpions docile!

Homer Simpson: (TOUSLES HER HAIR) That's great, honey. If you were a boy, you'd be a scientist.

Grampa Simpson: Back off, ya mutt!

Grampa Simpson: Or I'll make dog-head soup outta ya!

Homer Simpson: (STROKES CHIN) Hmm, if it works on nasty scorpions, then maybe... it'll work on nasty stains!

Homer Simpson: It does!

Homer Simpson: And there's something else it might be good for.

Homer Simpson: Why are you guys eating so fast?

Bart Simpson: Trying to get out of here before Grampa wakes up.

Lisa Simpson: That's him!

Bart Simpson: Mom, quick! Our lunches!

Marge Simpson: Go! Save yourselves!

Grampa Simpson: (CHIPPER) Good mornin', family! It's such a beautiful day, I thought I'd take my little friend here for a walk.

Marge Simpson: Abe? Are you feeling all right?

Grampa Simpson: Never better. The sun is shining, there's a spring in my slippers, and my wonderful son woke me up with a delicious cup of coffee.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, is there anything unusual in Grampa's coffee?

Homer Simpson: Uh, you look tense. Let's discuss this over a cup of Grampa's coffee.

Grampa Simpson: Here ya go, champ! Go buy yourself some rock-and-roll records.

Bart Simpson: (EXCITED) To the antique store!

Grampa Simpson: (HUMS, THEN KINDLY:) Now, what can I do for you? Eat something green? Vote for someone brown?

Lisa Simpson: Dad! I know what you did!

Lisa Simpson: And I locked the back door!

Lisa Simpson: ...and that's why you're acting so sweet and kind. Because Dad drugged you!

Grampa Simpson: (KISSES HIM) Oh thank you, thank you! (MORE KISSES)

Homer Simpson: (TICKLED GIGGLE) Your kisses feel like raw liver.

Lisa Simpson: But it's not real happiness. It's just because of an untested drug!

Grampa Simpson: So what? There are no guarantees in life! We don't know if this... (LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING) knife is safe!

Grampa Simpson: Turns out it's not. The point is, when I'm cranky, nobody likes me, sweet pea. Let me live as a happy man for my remaining thirty years.

Homer Simpson: Come on, come on, make with the laffy juice! I wanna take Grampa to have his bellybutton pierced.

Grampa Simpson: I could hang my Purple Heart from it! (DANCES AND SINGS) YA DA DEE DEE DEE LA DA DA DA DA DA DA... (ETC.)

Lisa Simpson: It was wrong of me to play goddess!

Grampa Simpson: (BITTERLY) Everything everyone just said is either obvious or wrong!

Moe Szyslak: Homer, do somethin' about your dad. He's casting a pall over this grim dungeon full of losers.

Lenny Leonard: Pfft, dungeon. We can leave any time we want.

Carl Carlson: Homer, why don't you just make some more of the serum yourself?

Homer Simpson: Oh, because Lisa won't tell me what flower it's from.

Voice: Excuse me...

Walther Hotenhoffer: My name is Walther Hotenhoffer and I'm in the pharmaceutical business.

Carl Carlson: I was wonderin' when that guy was gonna state his name and occupation.

Walther Hotenhoffer: Quiet. (TO HOMER) Sir, has your daughter found a drug that renders old people tolerable to us normals?

Homer Simpson: Yeah. But Lisa won't tell me how to make it.

Walther Hotenhoffer: Lisa is irrelevant.

Lenny Leonard: (STERN) You better elaborate!

Walther Hotenhoffer: All I need is one drop of extract, and I can synthesize the drug at my plant. (SCRUTINIZES GRAMPA) But where do I find that drop?...

Walther Hotenhoffer: Nein... nein... nein... nein... ah-ha!

Grampa Simpson: Not so fast, Fritz! Before you waltz off with my Grampa grease, I wanna know, what did you do during the war?

Walther Hotenhoffer: World War Two? I wasn't born yet.

Grampa Simpson: (SUSPICIOUS) Funny how many Germans say that these days.

Walther Hotenhoffer: From that one droplet, I have synthesized fifty different compounds. Please identify the one that is ausgezeichnet.

Grampa Simpson: (SQUIRT) Nothing! (SQUIRT) Nothing! (SQUIRT) Can't feel my fingers! (SQUIRT) Feel them too much. (SQUIRT) Erection! (SQUIRT) Derection! (SQUIRT) I smell music! (GRUMPY) Oh, this'll never work... (KINDLY) but when you're doin' it with people you love, you just can't help smilin'.

Walther Hotenhoffer: Jawohl! I've isolated the molecule!

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Nerd.

Walther Hotenhoffer: Now we test him.

Walther Hotenhoffer: "How do you feel about the high salaries of today's baseball players?"

Grampa Simpson: Oh, don't get me started on that one. They're just plain better than the greats of my day. God bless them, and their refusal to learn English.

Homer Simpson: Huh? This one didn't make me feel anything.

Walther Hotenhoffer: These are my "Suitcase Suzies," who will use their beauty and free giveaways to make sure our drug is prescribed.

Bart Simpson: Cool! Are they robots?

Woman: (TOO PERFECT) No, robots can develop human feeling.

Woman: We're graduates of Arizona State!

Walther Hotenhoffer: We scoop them up by the sorority.

Frat Nerd: Uh... this is the nerd fraternity.

Walther Hotenhoffer: (ROLLS EYES, WEARY) Drop them in research.

Frat Nerd: Nice!

Homer Simpson: Thank you for the tour of your factory, Mister Wonka.

Walther Hotenhoffer: I am not Willy Wonka!

Bart Simpson: No, no. You're Augustus Gloop, the fat German boy!

Walther Hotenhoffer: (SADLY) Yah, it is true, I am Gloop. Being stuck in that tube changed me in so many ways.

Walther Hotenhoffer: Gentlemen, we've been doing a lot of funny things today, but now I must be scary.

Homer Simpson: (SUPER SERIOUS) Go ahead.

Walther Hotenhoffer: Here is the prototype of our pill.

Walther Hotenhoffer: Grampapa, no one but you should take this drug until it has been through rigorous trials. Be careful -- if the wrong hands got hold of it, a fortune could be made by selling this drug on the black market.

Bart Simpson: (SOTTO) Hm, wrong hands, eh? (HOLDS UP HANDS, AND TALKS TO THEM SOTTO) That's your cue, boys.

Otto Mann: You sell drugs -- Why can't you dress like that?

Drug Dealer: (DISDAINFUL) Because I use them too, idiot.

Agnes Skinner: No wonder you've still got pimples at your age.

Agnes Skinner: You got all this candy in your desk.

Seymour Skinner: They're Tums, for my acid reflux.

Agnes Skinner: Even your acid wants outta you!

Bart Simpson: I've got something you can stuff in that old bag.

C. Montgomery Burns: Accursed tide! Flee from my wrath!

C. Montgomery Burns: No! I've been moistened!

Bart Simpson: I've got some stuff to put a smile on that corpse.

Bart Simpson: Don't player hate. I'm just a businessboy.

Lisa Simpson: All right, Bart. What are you up to now?

Grampa Simpson: Now that's what I call a fishin' trip!

Homer Simpson: (HAPPY GASP) That's what I was gonna call it!

Grampa Simpson: Wait, I can't go in there grinnin' like a Swede on payday -- it'll rile up poor Lisa if she knows I'm still poppin' that smiley-pill.

Homer Simpson: Oh yeah -- we better "grump it up."

Grampa Simpson: Three dollars for a cup of coffee?! In my day it cost you a dime and they gave you back a quarter!

Grampa Simpson: And another thing-- the uh--

Lisa Simpson: It's okay, Grampa -- you don't have to act grumpy. I know you're taking the drug, and I don't mind -- because you're happy.

Lisa Simpson: (RELIEVED NOISE) Thanks, sweetie.

Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry I was so stubborn. I hope you're not mad.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, I ain't mad, and I never will be again -- thanks to your wonderful, wonderful...

Lisa Simpson: Let me finish: thanks to your wonderful, wonderful drug.

Lisa Simpson: (GASPS) It happened to the scorpions too! The flower essence must have the side effect of lubricating the eye sockets to the point of popping.

Grampa Simpson: (CHEERFUL) More saline please!

Marge Simpson: At some point I think we should see a doctor.

Bart Simpson: No, it's cool -- it's like we've got our own monster!

Homer Simpson: Your grandfather is not a monster.

Homer Simpson: Now, let's chain him in the basement until the circus gets to town.

Grampa Simpson: Sounds good!

Marge Simpson: (SIGH) At least no one else has taken this drug.

Marge Simpson: Bart, why are you tugging on your collar?

Homer Simpson: (THREATENING) It better be tonsillitis.

Bart Simpson: Well, actually... I may have accidentally traded a few of those pills, for money...

Bart Simpson: ...which I may have already spent, ironically, on these novelty eyeglasses.

Grampa Simpson: Howdy, handsome!

Lisa Simpson: (POINTS OUT WINDOW) Look!

Cat Lady: (HAPPY CAT LADY GIBBERISH) Who loves mommy's eyeballs? Oh there's a kitty gonna sleep good tonight! Yes you are! (CACKLES)

Homer Simpson: So, I guess we're all in the same boat, huh?

Walther Hotenhoffer: Nein, nein. My boat is me and hundreds of lawyers. Your boat has you and a lot of people with their eyes falling out.

Marge Simpson: Walther, when a man puts something on a Frisbee, he should stand by it.

Marge Simpson: See?

Walther Hotenhoffer: (LOOKS AT FRISBEE) You are right -- as always, the Frisbee is the mirror to the soul.

Secretary: Mr. Hotenhoffer, there's a mob outside.

Walther Hotenhoffer: An angry mob?

Secretary: No, a cheerful mob.

Walther Hotenhoffer: (LOWERS GUN, SIGHS) I'd like to have just one day when I don't put a gun to my head.

Old-timey Farmer: Now, I ain't much for speeches...

Old-timey Farmer: But we sure do appreciate what you done for us, and we were just hopin' we could get more of that drug. Lots more!

Walther Hotenhoffer: Those poor googly-eyed fools. I cannot exploit them like this. I will have to be content exploiting their fear of losing hair and penis. I will destroy the drug.

Crowd: (UNHAPPY MURMURS) / What? Well I never!

Homer Simpson: Walther, let's not be so hasty. Who would begrudge them a few years of shambling, dope-fogged, into the grave? Besides, our generation's got everything under control! Now, if you'll excuse me, I was supposed to be drunk an hour ago. To Moe's!

Homer Simpson: Flat tire? No problem!

Lenny Leonard: Homer, use your head. Just buy a new car!

Homer Simpson: Great idea, but I don't have any money.

Carl Carlson: You could take out a loan with your house as collateral.

Homer Simpson: And I wouldn't have to pay it back for three more years! What are the odds of that much time happening?

Lenny Leonard: Pretty close to zero, I'd say.

Homer Simpson: Problem solved. Generation awesome does it again!

Grampa Simpson: All right, you googly-eyed geezers, turn up your hearing aids -- I've got something to say.

Grampa Simpson: Together, we survived the Depression, won a few wars, and put a man on the moon. In fact, the only mistake our generation made was creating that generation.

Grampa Simpson: If we want to set these bumblers straight it's going to take all the crankiness we can muster. So put down those pills, pop in your eyeballs, and "upside-down" them smiles!

Homer Simpson: Their "can-do" will bail out our "won't-try" every time!

Lisa Simpson: So I guess the lesson here is...

Seymour Skinner: If you go on a field trip, don't break off from the group.

Walther Hotenhoffer: And if you are a fat little boy in a chocolate factory, never try to drink from the river. The tube! My God! Every night I see the tube!