Homer Simpson: (GROANS) I was standing in this line to use the bathroom, but now my license is expired.

Bart Simpson: Hey Dad, there's an arcade across the street... (POINTS TO "NOISELAND" ARCADE) and there's really no point in all of us waiting in line...

Homer Simpson: Hmm...

Bart Simpson: (MOANS) I was invited to that party!

Homer Simpson: Boy that's good.

Selma Bouvier: Next!

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! First in line! (EDGES INTO LINE WITH THEM) Brought you a gift bag.

Bart Simpson: (ANGRY) All that's left is banana Runts! That's the worst Runt!

Bart Simpson: Back of the line, stranger!

Lisa Simpson: We used our last day of summer vacation standing in this line, and now it's time for our reward.

Bart Simpson: Next in line! What am I bid for next in line?!

Carl Carlson: Five bucks!

Sideshow Mel: (HOLDING UP TEN DOLLAR BILL) Ten bones!

Chief Wiggum: (HOLDS UP HOAGIE) Half a cheesesteak!

Krusty the Clown: I'll perform at your birthday party! Sober!

Chief Wiggum: Quarter of a cheesesteak!

Groundskeeper Willie: A nest with a robin's egg!

Chief Wiggum: The wrapper of a cheesesteak!

Fat Tony: I bid one lollipop.

Lisa Simpson: Sold, to the lowest bidder!

Selma Bouvier: (LOUD) Which of you losers is next in line?!

Fat Tony: Hello... (READS NAMETAG) "Selma." I'd like to submit a change of address.

Selma Bouvier: Leaving Mockingbird Lane, Mr. Munster?

Fat Tony: (FURIOUS) Excuse me?

Lisa Simpson: Dad, Aunt Selma's treating a mob boss like an ordinary taxpayer.

Homer Simpson: (HAPPILY) And we've got front row seats!

Selma Bouvier: So, you here for an eye test? Read this.

Fat Tony: Process my form.

Selma Bouvier: (CONDESCENDING SIGH) I'm afraid this is the wrong form. The one you want is on that table.

Fat Tony: And if I retrieve that form, will I be able to maintain my advantageous position in line?

Selma Bouvier: Try it and see.

Selma Bouvier: Nope.

Selma Bouvier: (ECSTATIC) Ahhh...

Louie: Jeez, we had a safe full of gold in there and it didn't ride so low.

Lisa Simpson: My lick.

Bart Simpson: My lick.

Lisa Simpson: My lick.

Bart Simpson: Hey -- you licked the back! That was my side!

Lisa Simpson: (HORRIFIED GASP) Brother germs!

Bart Simpson: (HORRIFIED) Sister spit!

Lisa Simpson: Bart, this is a truffle.

Bart Simpson: (ANNOYED) You're a truffle.

Lisa Simpson: (SIGHS) A truffle is a fungus that grows in tree roots. It's one of the most prized gourmet foods in the world.

Bart Simpson: Only you can make tree poop boring.

Lisa Simpson: (AMAZED NOISE) Bart, you can find them by smell! That's amazing! Restaurateurs use highly-trained pigs to sniff these out.

Luigi: (FRUSTRATED) Come on, numb nose. Sniff me a truffle! I don't know why I flew you in from Italy! First class, no less! Plus you forget to get miles!

Lisa Simpson: Interested in these?

Luigi: Eh? (HUGE GASP) Jody Maroni! But where is your truffle pig?

Bart Simpson: (PROUDLY) You're lookin' at him.

Luigi: A human pig! (MAKES SIGN OF THE CROSS) Thank you, Lord, for this abomination.

Luigi: Eh, eh, eh! You know-a the rule: no truffles for truffle pigs!

Luigi: (MENACING) And now that I have him... I find a new use for you in my kitchen.

Luigi: Yeah, that one's-a good. Start on these.

Luigi: Hey, don't run with the knife! Ah, stupid pig!

Luigi: And I'll-a pay you top dollar for any more truffles you find. And whenever you eat here, you get the best table. Not the one that goes (MIMES TIPPY TABLE) a-tikit-a-tikit-a-tikit-a. Very nice.

Selma Bouvier: (DEFIANT) The view was better inside the sack.

Fat Tony: (IMPRESSED) You are one tough cookie. I tell you what, I'll let you pick which body part I cut off first.

Selma Bouvier: Fine. I choose my love handles.

Fat Tony: What?

Selma Bouvier: Then my arm wattles, my cankles, and finish off with my excess back fat.

Fat Tony: You do not register the level of fear, say, Louie here would.

Louie: (TO SELMA) Yeah -- show some respect for the process!

Selma Bouvier: You asked what I wanted cut off, and I want lipo. Lots of lipo. Or are you not a man of your word?

Fat Tony: (HEARTY LAUGH) I like you. I don't know whether to knock you on your kisser or kiss you on your knockers.

Selma Bouvier: (FLIRTY CHUCKLE) I don't know whether to peck you on the kisser, or kiss you on the--

Fat Tony: (SMILES) You shall have your lipo. (TO LOUIE) Call our doctor friend who owes us a favor.

Louie: Actually, we owe him a favor.

Fat Tony: Do him two favors, (SCARY) then remind him that he owes us a favor.

Doctor: Tony, the surgery was a complete success, so can I take your cousin, the (MAKES QUOTES) "anesthesiologist" off the payroll?

Fat Tony: You certainly may. Now where is my Selma?

Selma Bouvier: Here's the part that's not in the trash.

Fat Tony: (SMOOTHES HAIR) Ooh... Boys, I'd like a little privacy with Selma. Why don't you take the doctor out back?

Louie: Should we take care of him, or "take care of him"?

Fat Tony: (SERIOUS) Take care of him.

Louie: (TO LEGS, SOTTO) I don't know what that meant. Was it the first one or the second one? I can't ask him, otherwise he's gonna "take care of me."

Fat Tony: Now to take care of you.

Selma Bouvier: (FLIRTY) Take care of me or "take care of me?"

Fat Tony: The one that's this one!

Marge Simpson: Selma, I just can't get over the new you.

Selma Bouvier: The world's a different place when you've got a waist. The clerk in the electronics store asked me if I needed help!

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Well, well, well, if it isn't "before" and "after." (CHUCKLES) Blob and Blob Lite. Tweedle Yuck and Tweedle Blecch. (CHUCKLES)

Fat Tony: (CLEARS THROAT) I hope I'm not interrupting.

Homer Simpson: (SCARED, COVERING) Fat Tony! I was just complimenting your beautiful girlfriend... while insulting her hideous twin.

Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, Fat Tony. My husband doesn't realize what he's saying, then, five seconds later:

Homer Simpson: (REALIZING) Oh my God!

Fat Tony: (TO HOMER) All will be forgiven... (THREATENING) If, you sketch a portrait of Patty showing her inner beauty.

Homer Simpson: (HUMBLE) You are cruel but fair.

Homer Simpson: I'm trying. I swear I'm trying.

Homer Simpson: Dammit!

Fat Tony: I love it here. The way the sun goes down like a crooked boxer.

Fat Tony: Selma, in this matto, svitato world...you've got to hold on to the good things.

Frankie the Squealer: Whoa! Sounds like someone's gonna propose here!

Johnny Tightlips: Shut up! You're spoilin' the mood.

Selma Bouvier: (DREAMY EYED) This is how I always pictured this moment.

Frankie the Squealer: (UNDERWATER, TOUCHED) Awwww...

Fat Tony: Selma, will you share my life with me?

Selma Bouvier: Oh Tony, if there were an Italian word for "yes," I'd be saying it right now.

Fat Tony: (SINGS ANDREA BOCELLI'S "CON TE PARTIRO") CON TE PARTIRO...

Fat Tony: PAESI CHE NON HO MAI / VEDUTO E VISSUTO CON TE

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) How many truffles did you get?

Bart Simpson: More than I can count.

Lisa Simpson: (GREEDILY) Brown gold... Tuscan tea...

Bart Simpson: Just think of what we can do with that moolah.

Seymour Skinner: (LOOKING AROUND) Hm, I can't find my car.

Gary Chalmers: (SCREAM) Nooooo!

Lisa Simpson: Bart, I am putting this money safely in the bank where you will earn zero point zero zero one percent interest.

Bart Simpson: (IMPRESSED WHISTLE) That's a lot of zeros! You know, all this truffle hunting has made me a little thirsty. Can we go home now?

Lisa Simpson: (HOLDS UP TRUFFLE) Three more big ones and we'll talk.

Bart Simpson: How big?

Lisa Simpson: As big as a baby's head.

Bart Simpson: Okay.

Lisa Simpson: That baby's head.

Cletus Spuckler: That tick sure done swelled you up, Normalhead Joe.

Bart Simpson: (MOANS) Oh, man!

Priest: Vi dichiaro marito e presunta moglie. You may now kiss one another.

Homer Simpson: (THRILLED) Yes! I'm so happy I lived to see this day! (SOTTO TO MARGE) He did give her the kiss of death, right?

Marge Simpson: No!

Homer Simpson: (SAD MOAN) I decorated her car for nothing.

Marge Simpson: Excuse me. We can't find our seats. Marge and Homer Simpson.

Wedding Planner: Ah yes, you're at table forty-six.

Wedding Planner: Right this way.

Marge Simpson: Hm, there must be some mistake.

Wedding Planner: (SLIGHT SCOFF) Oh, it's no mistake.

Wedding Planner: That table is Tony and his friends. This table is the DMV. This one, Legitimate Businessmen of Shelbyville. (POINTING AT MORE TABLES) FBI... children's table... gifts... then you.

Comic Book Guy: And how do you know the bride?

Marge Simpson: I'm her sister. (MAD) And you?

Comic Book Guy: I bought her ping-pong table on Craig's List. Color yourself slighted.

Selma Bouvier: So, how's your Tiramisu?

Lisa Simpson: (SNIPPY) We haven't even gotten our salads yet.

Fat Tony: So, who wants a picture with the happy couple?

Marge Simpson: (SOTTO) Why did you seat us in Siberia?

Selma Bouvier: (SOTTO) Because somebody's husband has a reputation for embarrassing himself in public situations.

Marge Simpson: (SOTTO) He's on his best behavior, which is very impressive considering he's mad about a sports result.

Homer Simpson: (GRUMBLING) Lousy Saint Louis Cardinals. Can't win the nineteen eighty-five World Series on Classic Sports.

Fat Tony: Smile for the camera.

Marge Simpson: (THROUGH TEETH, QUICKLY) I was never sure about this marriage.

Selma Bouvier: With that attitude, don't bother coming to the brunch tomorrow.

Marge Simpson: We're throwing the brunch!

Fat Tony: Man, that photographer got everything.

Marge Simpson: I still can't believe it. I have never been so snubbed at one of Selma's weddings.

Homer Simpson: (SCARED NOISE) Fat Tony! Are you gonna cut my head off and leave it in a manger scene at Christmas? And then an old Italian nun finds it. And she's all... (IMITATES ELDERLY NUN) No, no, no, oh, no, no! He's too beautiful to die! Ohhhh!

Fat Tony: Homer, to restore the sisterical bond, you and Marge are invited to spend the weekend with us at our house down the shore.

Homer Simpson: Hm. (HUGE EXCITED GASP) So, should I bring a towel?

Fat Tony: We have towels.

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) Um, I take a special size.

Homer Simpson: Come on, Bart. We've been out here for hours.

Homer Simpson: Maybe we've found all the truffles. The only thing I've dug up was these weird-looking mushrooms.

Homer Simpson: (WALKING UP) I'll dispose of those for you.

Otto Mann: "Koyaanisqatsi," you're about to get watched!

Otto Mann: (SIGHS) Listen, why don't we just stop this and divide the money.

Otto Mann: The money? No, no, no, no, no, no. The money is working for us -- what's not working is your stupid sense of smell!

Bart Simpson: All I smell here is desperation.

Otto Mann: Ooh, commentary by Philip Glass!

Otto Mann: (CREEPY) No more distractions! Find those truffles! Mush!

Bart Simpson: If you think that makes me a better musher, you're wrong. (SNIFFING) Wait a second...

Bart Simpson: This is our house. There's nothing buried here but hopes and dreams!

Bart Simpson: The truffle's right over here!

Bart Simpson: (PUZZLED) Truffle's in your room? I thought you'd been selling them!

Bart Simpson: (ADMITTING) Bart... I haven't been selling the truffles. I've been eating them.

Bart Simpson: Really? Why?

Bart Simpson: (BREAKING DOWN) Vegetarian food is so boring! Pasta, soy... you know what's a bad pizza topping? Broccoli!

Bart Simpson: But I worked so hard! I've got dirt under my fingernails I'll never get out. Not that I'm gonna try.

Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry, Bart! Take the last truffle... do whatever you want. Sell it, eat it...

Bart Simpson: (THOUGHTFUL) Or give it to someone who deserves it.

Bart Simpson: You spent your life searching for these, but you never had one.

Bart Simpson: Well, this is yours.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, you've done a truly kind thing.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, so that's why they don't give pigs truffles.

Marge Simpson: (INDIGNANT) I don't think this is a good idea at all. The only husband of Selma's I liked was Disco Stu. He was so upbeat till he found out she didn't care for disco.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, that's his thing. Anyway, Fat Tony and I think this is a chance to patch things up between you and Selma. Plus it's a free weekend at the beach.

Legs: Hey Louie. Don't ask me why, but I got a funny feeling about the new guy.

Goon: (STILTED) Uh, let's brag about our crimes... you first.

Fat Tony: Homer, Marge. Come, meet the family! These are my nephews...

Fat Tony: Stevie B., Stevie F., and Vincent.

STEVIE B.: But you can call us "S-Money," "Jell-o Shot," and "The Occurrence."

Marge Simpson: I will!

Fat Tony: This is my niece, Tushie. She's got two semesters under her belt in contemporary Italian-American design from Sandy Hook Vocational Institute.

Tushie: Aw, shut your face, Uncle Tone. (TO HOMER AND MARGE) God, you two are super pale. But not to worry -- every light in the house is a tanning light.

Marge Simpson: (IMPRESSED NOISE) Can you read by it?

Tushie: No one's ever tried.

Marge Simpson: (CONCERNED) These people are always grinding against each other, and I think they're all related. I wish we'd never come.

Homer Simpson: Selma? Va-va-va-wha?!

Selma Bouvier: Why can't you support my marriage?

Marge Simpson: You've never supported mine!

Selma Bouvier: You married a pig!

Marge Simpson: Well, you married someone whose first name is "Fat"!

Selma Bouvier: (COLD) I'm late for my mani-pedi-spray-tan.

"The Occurrence": Boo-frickin'-ya! Losers chug!

Homer Simpson: (COY) Well, if you insist.

Guidos: Chug! Chug! Chug!

Selma Bouvier: Mind if I join you?

Selma Bouvier: Look at our men, Marge -- they're having a great time.

Homer Simpson: You are such a gentle kisser.

Fat Tony: You were kind of all over the place.

Selma Bouvier: (KINDLY) Maybe I've been mean to Homer because I was jealous of your happiness. Now that I'm truly happy, maybe all four of us can start over.

Selma Bouvier: (SINGING) TELL ME, WHEN WILL YOU BE MINE / TELL ME, QUANDO QUANDO QUANDO / HEY!

Homer Simpson: HEY!

Selma Bouvier: (HAPPY GRUNT) The boys needed to breathe.

Homer Simpson: Wouldn't they be girls?

Selma Bouvier: Mine are boys.

Marge Simpson: Which is our room again...

Homer Simpson: You know -- it had that painting of that lady and the monster on the ceiling.

Marge Simpson: That was a mirror!

Legs: Lookin' good, boss.

Louie: Yeah, you look like Johnnie Handsome before we shot him in the face.

Fat Tony: Hey, I gotta look good for my goomar.

Marge Simpson: (STUNNED) Goomar?! That's mob talk for "mistress." Fat Tony has a mistress!

Homer Simpson: He's cheating on Selma? That's crazy! Why go out for a hamburger when you've got rancid steak at home?

Homer Simpson: I'll just sit here quietly.

Homer Simpson: Sorry.

Homer Simpson: (DISTRAUGHT) How could Tony cheat on me so soon?

Homer Simpson: Y'know Selma, from what I've seen here, Fat Tony has a lot of bad influences on him. I walked though a door last night and they were playing cards (LOUD WHISPER) for real money.

Marge Simpson: Well, Homer and I are going to take you away right now.

Homer Simpson: Aw, can't we stay one more day? The Occurrence and I are going to the tanning salon and get oiled and broiled.

Marge Simpson: Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, Homer and I have to be "that guy."

THE OCCURRENCE: (HORRIFIED) Whoa! You don't wanna be "that guy."

Homer Simpson: I don't wanna be "that guy," but Marge is making me be "that guy."

Marge Simpson: Enough!

Fat Tony: Homer, good morning. May I interest you in a pool noodle?

Fat Tony: We also got pool ziti, pool fusilli -- or if you don't like those, Mama will make you one special!

Old Italian Woman: (TO HOMER, BITTERLY) Mother Mary herself couldn't make a noodle big enough to float this one.

Old Italian Woman: Tony, we have to leave. For the record, I want to emphasize we're not leaving because today is "cleanup."

Fat Tony: Leave? Why?

Selma Bouvier: (UPSET) Because you have a girlfriend!

Fat Tony: (SIGHS) It is true, but it is not what you think.

Angela: (FURIOUS) Where is she? Where is this other woman?

Selma Bouvier: You're the goomar? You have some nerve coming here!

Angela: I'm Fat Tony's wife. You're the goomar!

Selma Bouvier: You're nuts! And I've got the ring to prove it.

Angela: That's a goomar ring. This is a wife ring.

Homer Simpson: (AGHAST) That's a wife ring? (COVERING MARGE'S EYES) Marge, don't look!

Marge Simpson: This doesn't make any sense. There was a wedding. You exchanged vows.

Fat Tony: I can explain...

Fat Tony: If you spoke Italian, which I knew you did not, you would've known that those were goomar-goombah vows.

Priest: Vuoi tu Selma essere la goomar di Tony il Grasso per il resto della tua vita?

Selma Bouvier: Si.

Priest: E tu Tony il Grasso prendi Selma come la tua goomar finche non ti rompe i coglioni in presenzi ai tuoi compari?

Priest: Si.

Selma Bouvier: Marge, if I ever tell you I want to get married again, I want you to stick your thumbs into my eyes.

Louie: Yeah, we can show you how to do it. The trick is, don't stop till you hear a pop.

Angela: (TO FAT TONY) You missed my first open house as a licensed real estate broker for this brutta puttana?

Selma Bouvier: (ANGRY GROAN, THEN MAD) I've hit on enough pizza boys to know what that means!

Angela: Then bring it on, sister!

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) You were right, Marge. These people are not for us.

Marge Simpson: In a good marriage, you never say I told you so.

Homer Simpson: Which is lucky for me because you're always right.