Homer Simpson: Oh boy.

Homer Simpson: (SMALL INTRIGUED NOISE, THEN CALMLY) Is that the radon detector?

Lisa Simpson: Mom's deleting old TV shows off the DVR.

Homer Simpson: (HORRIFIED) What the--?

Homer Simpson: Marge, you're deleting the two thousand nine Oscar Red Carpet! There were some awesome dresses! (SNOOTY) And quite a few (FALSETTO) dis-as-ters.

Marge Simpson: Fine. What would you get rid of?

Homer Simpson: Well, I can't part with a single one of my "Hoarders"! Hands off my episodes of "Episodes," and if you delete "Revenge"... (SHAKING FIST NOISE)

Marge Simpson: Fine. I'll just get rid of these Itchy and Mitchys.

Bart Simpson: (GRIMLY) For every one of my cartoons that you erase, I rip up a family vacation photo. And just so you know I mean business, here's an ear!

Marge Simpson: (SIGHS) All right, at least I can delete these Westminster Dog shows.

Marge Simpson: Fine. I'm getting rid of this American Masters "Kitty Carlisle."

Marge Simpson: It's not what you think!

Homer Simpson: ...so I stayed up for the last eighty-seven hours watching all my shows.

Homer Simpson: Nothin's gonna delete these!

Moe Szyslak: (SERIOUS, SAD) Guys, there's somethin' I wanna tell ya. Somethin' important.

Lenny Leonard: (MID-CONVERSATION) So who do you like, the Padres or the Tigers? I'm not talkin' about baseball, I'm asking if a priest can beat a big cat in a death match in some kind of polygon.

Carl Carlson: Hexa- or octa-?

Lenny Leonard: Only one way to decide: arm wrestling.

Moe Szyslak: (SADLY MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) Who am I kiddin'? They don't care about me.

Moe Szyslak: Suicide. Finally. I'm really doin' it. No more cries for (LOUDLY) helllp! (NORMAL) 'Cause this time there's no one that's gonna (LOUD) save me! (NORMAL) I mean, it's not like (LOUD) I'm beggin' ya, please, please show me some love! (QUIET) Yeah, it's nothin' like that. (SMALL SOB)

Moe Szyslak: Eh, maybe I should call. Give one of the new kids a chance to talk to the legend.

Warm Female Voice: Hello, you have reached the Buzz Cola Suicide Hotline.

Warm Female Voice: (RECORDED) Our options have changed, so please listen carefully.

Warm Female Voice: State the reason you are committing suicide.

Moe Szyslak: (THOUGHTFUL) Nothin' to live for.

Warm Female Voice: You said, "business problems." Is that correct?

Moe Szyslak: No! I got nothin' and no one!

Warm Female Voice: You said, "face sucked off by vacuum cleaner." Is that correct?

Moe Szyslak: (SOBS) No! No! Help me! Help!

Warm Female Voice: If your face is in the vacuum cleaner bag, press "one."

Moe Szyslak: I just wanna talk to a human being!

Warm Female Voice: Please hold for our next available life-extension agent.

Male Singers: SUICIDE IS PAINLESS / IT BRINGS ON MANY CHANGES / AND I CAN--

Moe Szyslak: That tears it! No more delays!

Moe Szyslak: (VULNERABLE) Hello?

Bart Simpson: Hi, I'm looking for a Mister Ron -- first name Moe.

Moe Szyslak: Moe-ron? (REALIZING) Moron! It's you, you little puke... I am gonna tie a rope around your neck and hang-- (CHOKING NOISES)

Moe Szyslak: I'll show you who's a... (DYING) moron.

Lenny Leonard: ...and that's why libraries use newspaper rods.

Homer Simpson: I know C.P.R.

Homer Simpson: I took a class where you do chest compressions to a Bee Gees song.

Homer Simpson: (SINGING/PUSHING) HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE... HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE...

Lenny Leonard: Are you sure it wasn't "Stayin' Alive?"

Homer Simpson: Too on the nose. (SINGING) I REALLY NEED TO LEARN / 'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A WORLD OF FOOLS...

Moe Szyslak: (SINGING) BREAKING US DOWN...

Moe Szyslak: (SINGING) WHEN THEY ALL SHOULD LET US BE... WE BELONG TO YOU AND ME...

Moe Szyslak: (SINGS) I BELIEVE IN YOUSE... (SITS UP) you guys, you saved me! You do care!

Homer Simpson: Now wait a minute. Gotta make sure you're okay. Who's the president now?

Moe Szyslak: Some jerk.

Homer Simpson: He's back!

Moe Szyslak: And I really wanna thank you all. You gave me a new lease on life, and I'm gonna take this opportunity to...

Moe Szyslak: (SIGHS) What's the point?... same ol' stinkin' world... ah, this post-suicide afterglow gets shorter every time!

Marge Simpson: Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: (TERRIFIED NOISE) The woman I love!

Marge Simpson: I sent you to the store to get applesauce for Maggie two hours ago!

Homer Simpson: Well, uh, I was just leaving, but Moe... had an accident.

Marge Simpson: What kind of accident?

Moe Szyslak: (EMBARRASSED) I... uh... may have tried to end it all. Wasn't even good at that.

Moe Szyslak: Excuse me, will you? (CHOKED-UP NOISE)

Marge Simpson: That poor man. We've got to do something to change his life.

Lenny Leonard: We could write on his face when he passes out.

Carl Carlson: (CHUCKLE) That's always good for a laugh.

Marge Simpson: No, no, it has to be something big that'll change his whole outlook. (SNAPS FINGERS) Why don't we take Moe on a road trip?

Moe Szyslak: (REENTERING) Oh, that, hey, that's really sweet. Hey, can Noosey come too?

Marge Simpson: (GENTLY) Moe, this trip is about turning your life around.

Lenny Leonard: With the three desperate barflies that you see every day.

Marge Simpson: Maybe I should come too.

Moe Szyslak: Four guys, a chick and a noose. Just like the movies I like to watch.

Marge Simpson: Grampa's in charge of you kids while we go to Capital City.

Grampa Simpson: Ooh, you're a good eater today, Maggie.

Marge Simpson: Bart, you're in charge of Grampa.

Carl Carlson: C'mon, Moe! Stick your head out the sunroof.

Lenny Leonard: You'll look like the richest dog in the world!

Moe Szyslak: Eh.

Carl Carlson: Lighten up, man, the Big City!

Lenny Leonard: Wow, look at all them countdown clocks!

Lenny Leonard: Acres of rainforest left, deaths by lung cancer... it's magical!

Moe Szyslak: All I see is two million people happier than me.

Marge Simpson: Moe, I know things haven't been easy for you. But you're with people who love you in the most exciting of the twin cities.

Lenny Leonard: (TO CARL) Capital City has a twin?

Carl Carlson: Moved to California to be a star, but it just turned into Glendale.

Marge Simpson: So what do you say, Moe? Will you give me a smile?

Moe Szyslak: (DUBIOUS) Well, I'll try...

Moe Szyslak: (NOISES OF EFFORT, THEN) Maybe if I just tilt my head back here...

Marge Simpson: Thatta boy.

Homer Simpson: Okay, Moe, one more surprise.

Moe Szyslak: Gentlemen's Whorehouse? Oh, ho, ho!

Lenny Leonard: No, no, it's a Wearhouse. We're all gonna chip in and get you a new suit.

Moe Szyslak: (EXCITED) A new suit? Oh, ho, ho! I'll be the best-dressed john in the whorehouse! (THINKS) But listen, are you guys sure you wanna spring for something that expensive?

Marge Simpson: Yes. 'Cause every time you wear it you'll know how much we love you. Like the one pair of blue pants I bought Homer twenty years ago.

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) They're like a wedding ring, I can't take them off anymore.

Marge Simpson: Oh Moe, this suit really brings out the herringbone in your eyes!

Moe Szyslak: (CHECKS TAG) No, it's a forty-four long -- I wear a thirty-eight hunched.

Homer Simpson: Got anything for a man my size?

Salesman: Absolutely not. Tent City is across the street.

Homer Simpson: Tent, eh?

Marge Simpson: No husband of mine is wearing a tent!

Homer Simpson: No tents, no barrels, no kiddy pools. Thank you, fashion police.

Moe Szyslak: (PLEASED NOISE) Not bad, not bad.

Marge Simpson: And look over there, Moe.

Moe Szyslak: And that's me. Hey, thank you, guys. Thanks. It's a brand new day.

Bart Simpson: Okay, final checklist. Checklist ready?

Milhouse Van Houten: Check.

Bart Simpson: Mom and Dad still gone?

Milhouse Van Houten: (LOOKS AROUND) Uh, check.

DOLPH: What about that snoopy girl reporter that's always hangin' around?

Bart Simpson: You mean my sister?

DOLPH: (SURPRISED) She's your sister?

Jimbo Jones: The plot thickens.

Bart Simpson: Clueless little Lisa doesn't suspect a thing.

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) Whatever Bart's doing it's got to be pretty bad for him to get me tickets to this amazing jam session!

Lisa Simpson: All the greats are here -- Jellyroll Jones, Boston Cream Basie, Birthmark Billy Jackson, Grabass Walker, The Fatneck Sisters, and... (STUNNED GASP) Bleeding Gums Murphy?!

Bleeding Gums Murphy: (SINGS) I GOT THIS BRATTY BROTHER / HE BUGS ME EVERY DAY...

Lisa Simpson: No! That's impossible! He's dead! I lay a saxophone reed at his grave every year.

Otto Mann: Lights and magic, Lisa. You don't need anything else. But I took a buncha stuff anyway. (SPACED-OUT NOISE)

Lisa Simpson: It's a hologram?! (THEN RECONSIDERING) Well, maybe if it's in good taste...

Lisa Simpson: (APPALLED) Aw, c'mon.

Bart Simpson: Five seconds to slip-off. And four, three--

Grampa Simpson: Boy? What are you doing up here? Also, what am I doing up here?

Nelson Muntz: Bart, you said your grandfather wouldn't bother us!

Bart Simpson: I gave him a caramel. He should have been chewing for hours!

Grampa Simpson: (HOLDS UP CARAMEL) I couldn't unwrap it!

Bart Simpson: I've got you, Grampa!

Grampa Simpson: Hold, bolo, hold!

Grampa Simpson: I don't wanna die! I wanna still be a burden!

Bart Simpson: Please be okay...

Bart Simpson: (SINGS) HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE / HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE...

Grampa Simpson: (FEEBLY) Boy?

Bart Simpson: (VERY RELIEVED) Yes, Grampa!

Grampa Simpson: (STILL FEEBLE) Kiss my forehead.

Bart Simpson: Man, I must really love him.

Grampa Simpson: (SMILES) I'm not gonna die today.

Jimbo Jones: Aw, that's so sweet.

DOLPH: Let's get all our grandfathers and chuck 'em down this thing!

Grampa Simpson: Why am I in the basement? Shouldn't I see a medico? If the Wilson's calf is birthed, Doc Miller should be available.

Bart Simpson: (SINCERE) Thank God your mental powers haven't deteriorated.

Grampa Simpson: (MAD) Well, why the hell am I down here?

Bart Simpson: (PLEADING) I was supposed to be in charge of you. I can't let Mom and Dad know what I did. But I promise I'll take good care of you until you're well again.

Grampa Simpson: No deal! I'm gettin' outta here!

Grampa Simpson: My tailbone! (SAD) And it was my last good bone!

Bart Simpson: There, there, you'll be fine. I'll take care of everything you need.

Grampa Simpson: I want a foot rub!

Bart Simpson: Yes, but do you need one?

Grampa Simpson: Nobody needs one! Now start rubbin'!

Grampa Simpson: Rub harder.

Man: Sorry, pal.

Moe Szyslak: (EXHILARATED) Sorry? Pal? Hey, that's common courtesy. The kind I've only seen in movies! This suit is amazing.

Moe Szyslak: This dump is too filthy for a man with a positive worldview. I'm gonna start cleaning!

Moe Szyslak: (GROWING EXCITEMENT) Dirt... carpet... another layer of dirt... Congoleum... hardwood?! The perfect floor for doin' a happy jig!

Moe Szyslak: And now to light up the sign and let the world know that the new improved Moe is open for business.

Moe Szyslak: Wow, non-losers?! I Never thought I'd see the day... Gentlemen, what can I getcha?

Glen: We'll take anything you've got aged fifteen years or more.

Moe Szyslak: Well, I do have this bourbon that I brewed myself. It'll either be the best thing you ever had or the last thing you'll ever have.

Ken: Wow! (LOOKS AT GLEN) Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Glen: (NODS) Moe, we're venture capitalists. (FAST) We turn dreams into money that mostly goes to us, but you get a little.

Moe Szyslak: (EXCITED) Tell me more!

Ken: How many bottles of this Kentucky Kool Aid do you have?

Moe Szyslak: Just the one, but I could whip up two or three hundred thousand more.

Glen: Moe, you've got a great product, a fantastic suit, and we're gonna give you everything you need.

Ken: Startup money. Branding specialists.

Glen: Corporate jets. Private drivers. If your feet touch the ground, we've failed.

Moe Szyslak: This is all so sudden.

Moe Szyslak: Now it's not. I'm in.

Glen: Only one more thing we need to do.

Ken: Check this out with our focus group.

Ken: So, what do you think?

Glen: Be honest, now.

Doesn't Like Anything: (GREAT ENTHUSIASM) I love it!!!

Cop With A Secret: I've made a lot of mistakes, but liking this ain't one of 'em.

Marge Simpson: Every time I call Grampa's phone, I get no answer.

Bart Simpson: Uh, he told me he was going to nap most of the week.

Marge Simpson: (RELIEVED) Oh, good. He needs his sleep.

Bart Simpson: (FRIENDLY) Time for your meds.

Bart Simpson: (GRAMPA) Go pink! Come on, pink! (EXCITED NOISE THEN DISAPPOINTED NOISE) / (BART) Come on, blue! Come on, come on, come on, take it, take it, there you go, yes!

Bart Simpson: After a pulse-pounding race, hypertension pills win again!

Grampa Simpson: Call me crazy, but I can't stop betting on dementia.

Grampa Simpson: Now what say we turn the hot water on and off while your father's taking a shower.

Homer Simpson: (ANGUISHED SCREAMS, THEN:) Thank God I'm not in the shower!

Bart Simpson: (SINCERE) Grampa, we've been spending so much time together, I almost feel like you're part of the family.

Grampa Simpson: (REALLY TOUCHED) Awww...

Bart Simpson: And I've been wondering... not like I miss having my afternoons free or anything but... (HOPEFUL) are you starting to feel better?

Grampa Simpson: Absolutely not. My crotch is crotchety, sittin' down makes me uppity, and you call these cups pleated?

Bart Simpson: Okay, okay! Just checking. (SIGHS)

Lisa Simpson: Dear She-Done-Left-Me-Records. Once again, I write protesting your holographic exploitation of blues icon Bleeding Gums Murphy. I call for a boycott and girl-cott of your entire catalogue until you... (DISBELIEVING NOISES) Sonny Rollins?!

Sonny Rollins: That's right, Lisa. And I'm here to beg you to stop writing those letters.

Lisa Simpson: You're siding with record companies?

Sonny Rollins: This isn't about money, Lisa. From Tupac Shakur to Dwight Eisenhower, holograms have introduced some of our leading dead people to a new audience of people with money.

Sonny Rollins: (MECHANICAL) Resetting... resetting... from Tupac Shakur to Dwight Eisenhower...

Lisa Simpson: You're a hologram, aren't you?

Sonny Rollins: No. Resetting... resetting...

Lisa Simpson: (FURIOUS, TO VAN) Have you no shame?

Man In Van: Does this answer your question?

Princess Diana: (RAPPING) My name's Princess Di, and I'm here to say / When I watch a DVD, it's got to be Blu-ray! Take it, Gandhi!

Gandhi: First Bank of Springfield... say "Mumbai" to high checking fees!

Moe Szyslak: Hey, thanks, guys. I ain't never been to no fancy rooftop party before.

Moe Szyslak: No beer? That's a pretty big screw-up.

Ken: Moe, we've got a special surprise.

Glen: You like chicks with nose clips?

Ken: Then you're really gonna be happy.

Glen: Bring it, girls.

Moe Szyslak: (IMPRESSED) Hey, that is the most accurate picture of my face made of girl-parts that I have ever seen!

Ken: And it's not decadent, because you can ask interns to do anything.

Moe Szyslak: Thanks. Thank you so much, Ken and Glen!

Glen: You're welcome.

Ken: Anything to celebrate your I.P.O. tomorrow.

Glen: You know what that is, right?

Moe Szyslak: Eh...

Ken: Moe, we love your whiskey, we love your back story, and we love that suit that hangs off you like silk on a skeleton.

Glen: So starting tomorrow, we're gonna sell shares in your company to the public. All you do is show up at the stock exchange, ring the bell, and you'll leave a rich man.

Ken: We'll see you tomorrow.

Glen: Enjoy your last night as a Democrat!

Moe Szyslak: Dang it. The suit's stuck in the door.

Moe Szyslak: No, no, no!

Moe Szyslak: This building's got ninety-eight floors! And I'm goin' down to P-6! P-6!

Marge Simpson: Moe? What are you doing?

Moe Szyslak: Midge, the suit got a little mussed up. I gotta ask ya... is it noticeable?

Marge Simpson: Thank God the kids aren't here.

Lisa Simpson: I was.

Moe Szyslak: Without my magic suit, I'm nothin'.

Marge Simpson: The suit wasn't magic, Moe. Don't you know the story of Dumbo the elephant?

Moe Szyslak: Uh, I didn't go to movies as a kid. Spent all my time at the pierógi factory. Dab the potato, fold the dough. That was my Star Wars.

Marge Simpson: Well, Dumbo had a magic feather. He thought he needed it to fly, but it turned out the magic was in him the whole time.

Lisa Simpson: So you're saying Moe's Dumbo, his bourbon is the giant ears, and we're that flock of racist crows?

Homer Simpson: The crows weren't racist -- the people who drew them were.

Moe Szyslak: Okay, I get it. I get it. It wasn't the suit that made the bourbon -- it was me! And I can do anything!

Marge Simpson: Don't stand up!

Moe Szyslak: Except stand up.

Bart Simpson: (QUIETLY) Grampa, I made your favorite dinner -- teething biscuits soaked in buttermilk.

Grampa Simpson: (SINGING ALONG TO BLUE DANUBE WALTZ) DA-DA-DA-DA-DAH...

Grampa Simpson: (LIKE WALTZ MUSIC) OH-OH-OH-OH-OHHH. THE PAIN! THE PAIN!

Bart Simpson: You're completely fine! I've been taking care of you, giving you love and attention... for nothing!

Grampa Simpson: All right, boy, I admit it. I've been faking being hurt. Just like I fake liking those terrible homemade Christmas gifts you give.

Bart Simpson: But Mom said it was a gift made with love.

Grampa Simpson: (ACCUSING) Did she?

Bart Simpson: No. Even she thought it was crap.

Grampa Simpson: But what you did wasn't for nothin'. It was the best two weeks of this final, horrible part of my life.

Bart Simpson: Well... you are the first thing I took care of that didn't die.

Grampa Simpson: I hear that a lot.

Moe Szyslak: Heya, guys.

Ken: Security! There's a homeless monster up here!

Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey, hey! I'm your partner, Moe.

Moe Szyslak: Now let's go make us a fortune, huh?

Sideshow Mel: Look! It's Quasimodo without the pathos!

Moe Szyslak: (TO CROWD) People, please, please.

Moe Szyslak: My name is Moe Szyslak of Makers Moe Bourbon, ticker symbol M.O.E.

Moe Szyslak: I'm the C.E.O.--

Moe Szyslak: --and I promise that I will hand-brew every bottle with these very hands, huh?

Moe Szyslak: I'll supervise production. I'll manage marketing. My face is gonna be on every bottle!

Moe Szyslak: And we will use only the finest ingredients made in America.

Barney Gumble: (TIPSY) Glad you're back, Moe. Least I don't have to train a new bartender to make what I like... beer to the top.

Moe Szyslak: (TO RAFTER, COMFORTING) Not today, old friend. But don't worry, holidays are just around the corner.