Waylon Smithers: (CALLING OVER HIS SHOULDER TO BURNS) I-uh. I think the boy's hurt!

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, for crying out loud... (GRUNTS) Just give him a nickel and let's get going.

Waylon Smithers: I...a think we should call an ambulance, sir.

Bart Simpson: Hey, cool. I'm dead.

Voice: Please hold on to the handrail. Do not spit over the side. Por favor, aguantese en la baranda. No escupas en los lados.

Bart Simpson: Great Grandpa Simpson!

Bart Simpson: Snowball!

Voice: Please hold on to the handrail. Do not spit over the side.

Voice: We told you to hold onto the handrail. We asked you not to spit over the side.

Devil: Howdy, stranger.

Bart Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Devil: Ah, please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the DEVIL! (EVIL CHUCKLE) And you've earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart. Spitting off the escalator just clinched it.

Bart Simpson: Hey, I'm innocent, man!

Devil: (CHUCKLING) Innocent. Everybody's innocent. Okay, let's just pull up your file here.

Devil: Okay... Hmmm. Seems to be a mistake. According to this, you're not due to arrive here until the next time the Yankees win the pennant, that's nearly a century from now. Ha, ha. Boy is my face red.

Marge Simpson: Bart! Bart!

Bart Simpson: (A LITTLE TROUBLED) Um... say... is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?

Devil: (CONSIDERING) Oh sure, yeah; but eh, you wouldn't like it.

Bart Simpson: (ACCEPTING THIS) Oh, okay. See you later then.

Devil: (WAVING AND CALLING) Goodbye Bart! Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music!

Bart Simpson: (WAVING) Yessir!

Homer Simpson: He's awake!

Marge Simpson: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.

Bart Simpson: (EAGERLY) I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell. (POINTS TO EACH FAMILY MEMBER IN TURN) And you were there! And you! And you! And you! (POINTS AT HUTZ) You I've never seen before.

Homer Simpson: (TURNING TO HUTZ) Hey, yeah! Who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance...

Lionel Hutz: Hutz's the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, Attorney-At-Law. Here's my card.

Lionel Hutz: It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.

Homer Simpson: Ooo, classy.

Lionel Hutz: I'd like to talk to you about bringing legal action against the fiend who did this to your boy.

Homer Simpson: Well, the fiend who did this to my boy is my boss. And besides, the doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe. Nothing serious.

Lionel Hutz: (SCOFFING) Doctors! Doctors are idiots! There's no telling what kind of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on him hand and foot (POKING HOMER IN THE CHEST AT EACH WORD) for the rest of his natural life!

Lionel Hutz: That's the downside. Now here's the good part. You can ching-ching-ching cash in on this tragedy.

Homer Simpson: (MASSAGING HIS CHEST) Wow...

Lisa Simpson: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?

Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?

Marge Simpson: Mr. Hutz, this is hardly the time or place to discuss this.

Lionel Hutz: You're right, you're right. When you feel up to it, come over to my office and we'll talk about it.

Lionel Hutz: (FADING) Lionel Hutz, Attorney-At-Law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!

Lisa Simpson: Hello, Dr. Hibbert.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Hello, Lisa. (TO BART) Well, we've got a nasty bump on our head, haven't we?

Bart Simpson: Ow! Quit it!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: And a little tiny broken toe. (WRIGGLES BART'S BROKEN TOE)

Bart Simpson: Ow! Quit it!

Marge Simpson: Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Hmm. Better let him rest up awhile first.

Marge Simpson: Hmmm.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.

Homer Simpson: Yeah. (GETTING A LITTLE ANGRY) If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...

Waylon Smithers: Simpson!

Waylon Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now.

Homer Simpson: Uh-oh...

C. Montgomery Burns: Ah, Simpson! At last we meet.

Homer Simpson: Nice to meet you too, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Yes. My attorneys have advised me to pay you for running over your child. So I'm cutting you a check.

Homer Simpson: Really? Great!

C. Montgomery Burns: (HANDING CHECK TO HOMER) (IMPRESSIVELY)... One... Hundred... Dollars! (QUICKLY) Of course you'll have to sign a waiver, relinquishing your right to sue and so forth... merely a formality...

Homer Simpson: (STUNNED) A hundred bucks?

Homer Simpson: W-well... It's a v-very generous offer, sir. But... his medical bills alone...

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, so extortion is the name of your little game, is it Simpson? (GRABBING CHECK) Very well. Then you get nothing. I have the finest lawyers in Springfield, Simpson. (THE LAWYERS NOD SMUGLY) Tangle with me and I'll crush you like a paper cup.

C. Montgomery Burns: Throw him out, Smithers.

Homer Simpson: (WITH SOME DIGNITY) You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns. I can throw myself out.

Homer Simpson: Hey! Lionel Hutz...

Lionel Hutz: Right in here, Mr. Simpson. Any calls, Della?

Della: Calls?

Della: (SUDDENLY GETTING IT) Oh, calls! Yes... uh... (LOOKS THROUGH NOTEPAD) The Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some "freedom" thing.

Lionel Hutz: Tell them to sit tight. I'll get back to them. This way, Mr. Simpson.

Homer Simpson: (ADMIRING DIPLOMAS) You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz.

Lionel Hutz: (UNIMPRESSED WITH HIMSELF) Yes... Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, The Louvre...

Lionel Hutz: Oh... oh well. Mr. Simpson, the State Bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But, just between you and me, I promise you, a big cash settlement. My fee is fifty percent.

Homer Simpson: (RESISTING) Fifty percent?

Lionel Hutz: You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace -- a $99 value -- as our gift to you.

Homer Simpson: (LOOKING AT NECKLACE) Well... I dunno... You and I might have different ideas about just how big a big cash settlement is.

Lionel Hutz: A million dollars.

Homer Simpson: Whoo ooo! I stand corrected. A million bucks is A-okay!

Lionel Hutz: Now, we'll get a real doctor's opinion!

Dr. Nick Riviera: (CHEERFULLY) Bad news!

Marge Simpson: Oh!

Dr. Nick Riviera: (GRINNING) Your son is a very sick boy. Just look at the X-rays!

Dr. Nick Riviera: (POINTING) You see that dark spot there? Whiplash.

Homer Simpson: Whiplash! Oh no!

Dr. Nick Riviera: And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint? No. That's trauma.

Bart Simpson: Am I gonna die?

Homer Simpson: (BREAKING DOWN) Yes, son.

Marge Simpson: (SHOCKED) Homer!

Homer Simpson: (QUICKLY CONTROLLING HIMSELF) No, of course you're not going to die. Everything's fine!

Bart Simpson: Will I ever play baseball again?

Homer Simpson: (BREAKING DOWN AGAIN) No!

Bart Simpson: But I played baseball this morning!

Marge Simpson: That's right, he did. Excuse me, but Dr. Hibbert has been our family physician for years, and he thought Bart was fine.

Homer Simpson: Oh, Dr. Hibbert from (SING-SONG) Johns Hopkins Medical School?

Lionel Hutz: With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you are not a doctor, the boy's not a doctor, I'm not a doctor. The only person in this room who even comes close is this man.

Dr. Nick Riviera: Stop, you're embarrassing me.

Lionel Hutz: Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma in the facial area?

Dr. Nick Riviera: Oh yeah. Tons of it. Just say when.

C. Montgomery Burns: A million dollars! Smithers! I want this Homer J. Simpson fired!

Waylon Smithers: Uh, do you think that's wise, Mr. Burns? I mean... think of the headlines.

C. Montgomery Burns: What about the headlines?

Waylon Smithers: The press might be critical of you for firing the crippled boy's father so soon after the accident.

C. Montgomery Burns: Well... all right, then. I don't want to seem like an ogre. (VERY SINISTER) I'll bide my time. Let him twist in the wind... slowly... slowly. And then... when the papers have found their new "flavor of the month", he'll find out this cat has claws!

Waylon Smithers: Good thinking, sir.

Lionel Hutz: Now, let's pretend you're on the witness stand... (PAUSE) ...How are you, Bart?

Bart Simpson: Fine.

Lionel Hutz: Oh, fine. Isn't that nice? Bart says he's fine. (EXPLODING) Wrong!!! You are not fine! You are in constant pain!

Bart Simpson: (INTIMIDATED) I am in constant pain.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, may I please make an observation?

Homer Simpson: Oh, what? What is it?

Lisa Simpson: I think this is all a charade to make Bart look more injured than he really is.

Marge Simpson: Well, maybe Lisa does have a point. I don't mind you boys doing this in the living room, but in court doesn't Bart have to tell the truth?

Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but what is truth -- if you follow me. Now, Bart, can you roll your eyes back in your head like this?

Bart Simpson: Ah, you mean like I'm dead? Yeah, sure.

Lionel Hutz: (IMPRESSED) The kids a pro.

Bailiff: (CALLING) Springfield Municipal Court is now in session. Judge Moulton presiding.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: (CLEARS THROAT) Your honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.

C. Montgomery Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

Judge Snyder: (STERNLY) Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.

C. Montgomery Burns: (SNEERING) You wouldn't dare.

Judge Snyder: (REALIZING THIS IS TRUE) Well, no, I-I guess I wouldn't.

Bailiff: Calling Bartholomew J. Simpson to the stand!

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, please.

Judge Snyder: (KINDLY) Hello, Bart. Now, you know the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you, son?

Bart Simpson: Maybe.

Judge Snyder: Uh-huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?

Bart Simpson: (TO JUDGE) No.

Judge Snyder: Good. Proceed, Mr. Hutz.

Lionel Hutz: Thank you, your honor. (HE APPROACHES BART) Now, Bart, I want you to tell the jury, in your own words, exactly what happened on the day of the accident.

Bart Simpson: Yes, sir. (A WELL-PREPARED SPEECH) It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was playing in my wholesome childlike way, little realizing that I was about to be struck down by the Luxury Car of Death.

Waylon Smithers: (SUDDENLY) Defenseless child at three o'clock!

Bart Simpson: Luckily, I was not killed that day. (TEARFULLY) Although sometimes I wish I had been.

C. Montgomery Burns: He's lying!

Lionel Hutz: Now that's believable testimony.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Now, Mr. Burns, would you please relate in your own words exactly what really happened on the day of the accident.

C. Montgomery Burns: Certainly. Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys.

C. Montgomery Burns: Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy, darted in front of me...

C. Montgomery Burns: (TO SMITHERS) Oh, my goodness! Look what's happened!

Waylon Smithers: Oh, it's not important, sir. Let's drive on.

C. Montgomery Burns: Why you despicable, cold-blooded monster. Regardless of what you think, we must summon help, and comfort the dear boy until an ambulance arrives.

C. Montgomery Burns: (WAILING TO THE HEAVENS BROKENLY) Noooo! Take me, I'm old!

C. Montgomery Burns: And that's what happened.

C. Montgomery Burns: What are you looking at me like that for? (POINTING AT BART) You believed his cock and bull story.

Lionel Hutz: (QUIETLY TO HOMER) It's looking good, Mr. Simpson. It's looking very, very good.

C. Montgomery Burns: (MUFFLED THRU GLASS) They hate me? Well what trial were you watching?

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh yeah, settlement? Fine! Hang your heads in shame, you over-priced, under-brained, glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off with a banana or two.

C. Montgomery Burns: (POINTING) ...and that ugly customer was the last Indonesian Rhino on earth.

Marge Simpson: I didn't know you liked animals.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, I don't like everything about them, just their heads. (CHUCKLES) (TO HOMER) Well, would you care for some wine, old buddy?

Homer Simpson: Don't mind if I do.

C. Montgomery Burns: Bottoms up Simpson, there's plenty more where that came from.

Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?

C. Montgomery Burns: Yes. Now then, Homer, old chum, I'm sure you'll agree with me that this trial is an affront to our collective dignity. What do you say, we settle this man to man?

Homer Simpson: You mean duke it out?

C. Montgomery Burns: (CHUCKLES) Oh, no, I mean I'm prepared to offer you a most generous cash settlement.

C. Montgomery Burns: A princely sum...

C. Montgomery Burns: Well, a handsome sum that can end this little embrolio once and for all.

Homer Simpson: (LOUD) Five hundred thousand dollars!

Marge Simpson: Goodness!

C. Montgomery Burns: (WITH FINGER TO LIPS) Up-up-up-up. Don't answer me now. Relax, talk it over with the missus, soak in the opulence of your surroundings and dream of what might be. Smithers, let's go powder my nose.

Homer Simpson: Well, Marge, what do you think?

Marge Simpson: (HALFHEARTED) I don't know. Maybe we should take his money and put all this ugliness behind us.

C. Montgomery Burns: (SOTTO) The fish is in the pan.

Marge Simpson: What do you think, Homer?

Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks (SCREAMING) I'm an idiot. The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's gonna lose the trial and have to pay us a cool million.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, I feel faint..

Homer Simpson: (DERISIVE) "Five hundred thousand dollars." I spit on his five hundred thousand dollars.

Marge Simpson: Homer, what's happened to you? All this greediness and lying and shifty lawyers and phony doctors --

C. Montgomery Burns: Phony doctors? Hel-lo.

Marge Simpson: Do you know what I'd settle for if it was up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!

C. Montgomery Burns: And you won't even get that.

C. Montgomery Burns: Sorry, offer's expired. I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Your honor, I would like to call to the stand Mrs. Homer J. Simpson.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?

Marge Simpson: (MURMURS; THEN) Yes, I do.

Lionel Hutz: (TO HOMER) She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Homer Simpson: (WHINING) Oh, the truth!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?

Marge Simpson: Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo with competence and loving care.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: (FEIGNED SURPRISE) But, wait a minute! I'm confused! This court heard "expert" testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion of him?

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson...

Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, but my mother always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Homer Simpson: (TO HUTZ) Will that hold up in court?

Lionel Hutz: No, I've tried it before.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: (FORCEFULLY) Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion of Dr. Riviera? And let me remind you that you're under oath.

Marge Simpson: Well, to be honest, he seemed a lot more concerned about wrapping Bart in bandages than in making him feel better. And he mispronounced words that even I know, like abdomen. And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: And Mrs. Simpson, could you describe for us in your own words Bart's (MAKES AIR QUOTES WITH FINGERS) "intense mental anguish and suffering"?

Marge Simpson: Well, I don't know how intense it was...

BURNS LAWYER: Huh uh.

Marge Simpson: ...but, well, I guess he did miss three days of school --

BURNS LAWYER: Oh, three days.

Marge Simpson: ...although he doesn't really like school all that much,

BURNS LAWYER: No.

Marge Simpson: ...so I guess that may not count as anguish.

BURNS LAWYER: No, it doesn't.

Marge Simpson: It was a little hard on me having him around the house

BURNS LAWYER: Yes...

Marge Simpson: ...all that time.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Could you put a dollar amount on all these hardships?

Marge Simpson: Well, we pay Bart five dollars a week to take out the trash...

BURNS LAWYER: Huh uh.

Marge Simpson: I suppose if he'd been able to do it that week, we might have given him the five dollars.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Five dollars?

Marge Simpson: Um-hmm.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: But your lawyer -- assuming he is a lawyer -- is asking for a million? (TO JURY) Well, we can't blame them for trying can we. Thank you very much, Mrs. Simpson.

Homer Simpson: (SOBBING) Oh, Marge.

C. Montgomery Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.

Lionel Hutz: I think we should take it.

Homer Simpson: (THINKING) A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.

Marge Simpson: Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese?

Homer Simpson: (THINKING) Yeah, a million dollars worth you treacherous snake woman. (FLATLY) No, thank you.

Marge Simpson: Some string beans?

Homer Simpson: (THINKING) No I don't want any string beans either you two-timing, back-stabbing. Uh oh I better answer. (FLATLY) No, thank you.

Marge Simpson: Some celery with cream cheese on it?

Homer Simpson: (UNINTELLIGIBLE MURMUR) (FLATLY) No, thank you.

Bart Simpson: You know what would've really been cool? If we got that million bucks.

Marge Simpson: Bart, please.

Bart Simpson: What? We could have bought tons of great stuff, Mom... maids, a pool, fancy sweaters... stop me if I'm wrong.

Homer Simpson: Marge, dear. Would it be all right if I went over to Moe's for a drink?

Marge Simpson: Sure.

Homer Simpson: (THINKING) I don't know if I'll ever come back here. (FLATLY) Goodnight.

Marge Simpson: (THINKING) My woman's intuition is telling me something... I wonder what... Oh my god.

Homer Simpson: Well, that's it. I guess this is the class I'm gonna die in.

Moe Szyslak: Eh, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're born, to the day they die, they think they're happy but, trust me... they ain't.

Homer Simpson: (THINKING) Moe, I wish he'd shut up.

Larry: Look, a chick!

Moe Szyslak: And it's not even Ladies Night.

Homer Simpson: Hey, hey, guys. Knock it off. It's just my wife.

Marge Simpson: (WITH THE ABOVE) My name is Marge. (TO HOMER)

Marge Simpson: Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.

Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge...

Marge Simpson: We've squabbled over money before -- never this much -- I mean, I know this is different than that time I washed your pants with the twenty in the pocket, but I--

Homer Simpson: (WITH TROUBLE) No, no, no. You think this is about money? Well, it's not. It's worse, Marge. I'm afraid that from now on when I look at you, I'm not gonna see the wife by my side or the mother of my children. I'm just gonna see the dame who blew my one big chance.

Marge Simpson: What are you saying, Homer?

Homer Simpson: I'm saying... (THINKING) She's been your wife for ten years, you've had three children together, it's time to be honest with her. (TO MARGE) I'm not sure I love you anymore.

Homer Simpson: But don't worry. I'll never let on. I'll still do all the bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad.

Marge Simpson: Oh my Lord. Well, I don't want to wait another minute to find out whether you love me anymore. I think that you should look me in the eyes and find out.

Marge Simpson: Homer, look at me.

Homer Simpson: Alright, alright, look at her if it'll make her shut up. Start with the feet, still angry? Good, good Homer, good. This is tough, need refreshment. Ahh, good old trustworthy beer, my love for you will never die. Alright, alright, gotta look the wife straight in the eyes and tell her.

Homer Simpson: Oh, who am I kidding? I love you more than ever.

Marge Simpson: I love you too!

Homer Simpson: Sorry to scare you like that, babe.

Moe Szyslak: Okay, everybody! For the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher... one per customer... domestic beer only... hey, no sharing!