Marge Simpson: You know, we should visit Shelbyville more often. They have a store that just sells shoes. I feel like I'm in Paris!

Lisa Simpson: Oh! The famous Shelbyville Theater District! Can we see a play?

Bart Simpson: Play?! All plays suck, all the time, and always will, and everyone knows it!

Homer Simpson: Look, we'll compromise. We'll go see a play...that Lisa doesn't want to see.

Marge Simpson: Let's see. There's "Equus" starring Sideshow Mel... "The Three Dollar Bills in 'Gay, Gay, Gay!'"... ooh, "Song Of Shelbyville"!

Townspeople: (SINGING) FROM THE SCHOOLHOUSE WHERE OUR GRANDPARENTS LEARNT / TO THE BAD ZOO WHERE ALL THE ANIMALS BURNT / WE'RE HOME TO CHRISTIAN, MUSLIM AND JEW / ALTHOUGH NOT MANY OF THE LAST TWO...

Male Tenor: (SINGING) THERE'S A GIRL FOR EVERY GUY!

Female Singer: (SINGING) BIRTHPLACE OF THE BUTTON FLY!

Townspeople: (SINGING) IN GOOD OL' SHEL-BEE-VILLE!

Woman: Say, fellow Shelbyvillian. Enjoying our famous low humidity?

Man: I'll say. The only thing lower than our humidity are the greens fees on our public golf course.

Woman: Which one?

Man: All three! Yes. Yes.

Woman: Why look, it's Springfield Billy!

Springfield Billy: I came here for the legalized gamblin'.

Man: But Springfield Billy -- we don't have legalized gambling here.

Springfield Billy: Sure you do -- I saw a bumper sticker that said "Free Tibet."

Lisa Simpson: (UPSET) They're saying Springfielders are stupid hicks.

Brandine Del Roy: It's like lookin' in a mirror.

Cletus Spuckler: What's a mirror?

Brandine Del Roy: It's a big city word for reversifyin' glass.

Cletus Spuckler: Ohhh.

Female Theatergoer: (CHUCKLES) That show was hilarious. That Springfield Billy cracks me up.

Lisa Simpson: For your information, Springfielders can be intelligent and articulate. I happen to know because we're from Springfield. (INDICATES HER FAMILY)

Snobby Older Male Theatergoer: Springfielders?!

Snobby Theatergoers: Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! (ETC.)

Homer Simpson: Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!

Marge Simpson: This is the worst crisis the Springfield Cultural Activities Board has ever faced.

Marge Simpson: Those Shelbyvillians are maligning us all. I've never heard such mean-spirited hate-hoots.

Seymour Skinner: We've got to upgrade Springfield's image -- show them we're more than just a town that's still afraid of eclipses.

Moe Szyslak: Hey, how 'bout we open a fancy restaurant, and when people check their hats and coats, we steal 'em?

Marge Simpson: Why do you come to these meetings?

Moe Szyslak: Free water. (SIPS LITTLE CUP)

Marge Simpson: There must be something else. Think Marge, think. Culture... vulture... birds of prey... pray in a church... the father, son and Holy Ghost... ghosts are scary, scary rhymes with Gehry! That's it -- Architect Frank Gehry! He could build us a concert hall like he did in Los Angeles.

Ned Flanders: Well, we could use a new H.Q. for the Springfield Philharmonic. They're playing Gustav Mahler in abject squalor.

Basketball Player: Little help?

Oboist: (PRISSY) Next time we're keeping it.

Marge Simpson: Then it's agreed! We ask Frank Gehry to build us a concert hall!

Frank Gehry: (BORED) Bill, bill, Bilbao bill (SUDDENLY INTERESTED) Snoopy stationery!

Marge Simpson: Dear Mr. Gehry: Would you please build a concert hall for our town? We may not be the biggest city, or the prettiest, but we were the first city in America to abandon the metric system! (NERVOUS LAUGH)

Frank Gehry: (ENTHRALLED GASP) Frank Gehry, you're a genius!

Frank Gehry: Behold the new Springfield Concert Hall!

Frank Gehry: And none of this would have happened if not for a letter I received from one little girl.

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED) I wrote that letter.

Frank Gehry: You wrote I was "the bestest architect in the world"?

Marge Simpson: Well, aren't you?

Mayor Joe Quimby: All in favor of building a thirty-million dollar screw you to Shelbyville?

Crowd: (ENTHUSIASTIC) Aye!

Frank Gehry: Get off my masterpiece, you punks! I'll call your mothers!

Jimbo Jones: (TAUNTING) Yo, Frank Gehry! Like curvy-linear forms much?

Homer Simpson: Hey cat, get your own pants!

Homer Simpson: (YELLING) Kids! Why's the cat so fat?

Lisa Simpson: Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur.

Lisa Simpson: (UNDER GREAT STRAIN) Okay, she's fat.

Lisa Simpson: (STILL UNDER GREAT STRAIN) Can't breathe... someone dangle some string!

Marge Simpson: I'm so excited. It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron.

Conductor: (GERMAN ACCENT) Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started!

Chief Wiggum: So? We already heard the (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH OPENING BARS) "dum dum dum dum"! The rest is just filler.

Carl Carlson: I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie "Beethoven." Was I sadly mistaken.

Lenny Leonard: Sounds better on my cell phone.

Marge Simpson: Don't leave now! The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass!

Mayor Joe Quimby: You stupid hicks! Why didn't you tell me you hated classical music?

Carl Carlson: We didn't have time.

Lenny Leonard: The concert hall was designed and built so quickly!

Mayor Joe Quimby: We're broke. But I have a plan -- we change the name of the town to escape our creditors. I need names, people!

Lenny Leonard: Lima, Peru!

Carl Carlson: Gotham City!

Chief Wiggum: Wiggumville!

Barney Gumble: Burger King!

C. Montgomery Burns: Perhaps I can be of assistance!

C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers! Tear me a new drape hole!

C. Montgomery Burns: If you hand over the concert hall to me, I'll assume the debt and all of your problems will disappear.

Mayor Joe Quimby: The building is yours.

C. Montgomery Burns: Excellent!

Marge Simpson: (UPSET) He's turned it into a prison!

Shelbyvillians: Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot!

Officer Krackney: Let's see now... barely finished high school, you've challenged me to fight six times since the interview began...

Homer Simpson: Make it seven!

Officer Krackney: Mr. Simpson, I like the way you go nuts over nothin'. All you have to do is pass this drug test.

Otto Mann: Cool, but I'll never pass with this. I'd better switch samples.

C. Montgomery Burns: (FURIOUS) Simpson, I haven't seen so many drugs in a wang since I ran a Chinese opium den!

C. Montgomery Burns: (READS QUICKLY) "Crack, smack, uppers, downers, outters, inners, horse tranquilizers, cow paralyzers, blue bombers, green goofers, yellow submarines, LSD mach three, and trace amounts of (DISGUSTED) human urine!"

Homer Simpson: There must have been a mistake. My body is a temple.

C. Montgomery Burns: Guards! Remove this coked-out man balloon from my sight!

Homer Simpson: (BREAKING DOWN) But he misread my pee! He misread my peeeee!

Lisa Simpson: We're not overfeeding her. We've been giving her this low-fat cat food!

Lisa Simpson: I'll bet she's sneaking food from someplace else! Let's follow her!

Bart Simpson: I'd rather follow the dog. I think he's up to something.

Lisa Simpson: One thing at a time, Bart.

Mother: (SWEETLY) There you are, Smokey!

Bart Simpson: Snowball II has another family!

Lisa Simpson: This is worse than when we thought Mom was having an affair. It turned out she was just going to the library to cry.

Bart Simpson: (HAPPILY) Now she just bottles up her misery like a normal mom!

C. Montgomery Burns: Gentlemen, my prison is losing money. We need more convicts in the dungeonareum.

Chief Wiggum: Dungeonareum. That's catchy. Well, I could beef up arrests by enforcing some of these old forgotten laws.

Chief Wiggum: Okey dokey. Let's see here... oh, here's one from eighteen thirty-four: "It's unlawful for a man to be hatless during daylight hours."

Chief Wiggum: Ah, Smithers, if I didn't arrest you that night in the park, I'm not gonna arrest you now.

Homer Simpson: (MUMBLES) Stupid prison guard job thinks its so big. Everyone gets a prison job but me. (KICKS CAN) All my best friends are guards. (KICKS CAN) They think they're so cruel and corrupt, but they're not.

Chief Wiggum: Okay boys, here's a loony law from nineteen eleven: (READS) "Five kicks of the same can shall be considered illegally transporting litter."

Chief Wiggum: That's a hard five. All units move in.

Chief Wiggum: We're puttin' you away, Kicky Mantle. (TO EDDIE AND LOU) And give that can the whole C.S.I. treatment. You know, lab tests, weird lights, shots from the can's point of view...

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's it. Lots of flash and no meaning.

Officer Krackney: (CHUCKLES) Okay, new meat, you're clean.

Homer Simpson: I'm not supposed to be new meat. I'm supposed to have your job.

Officer Krackney: I'm sick of you positing an alternate reality!

Snake Jailbird: No Frank Gehry-designed prison can hold me! Ha ha!

Homer Simpson: Oh my God! That man might be hurt! (POINTS TO TRUCK) Guards, there's a prisoner in there!

Officer Krackney: Nice nab, Simpson. You did the right thing squealin' on that guy.

Homer Simpson: Squealin'? No, I just wanted to help him.

Officer Krackney: Whatever. How'd you like to be a full-time rat?

Homer Simpson: (INTRIGUED) Really? You mean eat cheese, gnaw through electrical cords, things like that?

Officer Krackney: (MEANINGFUL) Not exactly.

Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns, I've thought about it, and I don't wanna be a snitch. It's not an honorable life.

C. Montgomery Burns: Now, now, there are perks. A private cell, extra dessert... and this adorable little hat.

Homer Simpson: Well, I am a sucker for a little hat.

C. Montgomery Burns: So we have an agreement?

Homer Simpson: Well... I don't know.

C. Montgomery Burns: It's the only way you'll survive in here.

Homer Simpson: Well, I would like to survive long enough to see the effects of global warming. I've got an inside tip that it's all a bunch of crap. Okay, you've found your snitch.

C. Montgomery Burns: Excellent! Now, what have you got for me?

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) Homer Simpson has become a snitch.

C. Montgomery Burns: (FRUSTRATED) Tell me something I don't know.

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) Sometimes I go to the movies alone.

Homer Simpson: Say, is that a gang tattoo? I thought those weren't allowed.

Drederick Tatum: Yeah, it's a gang I was in as a kid. G.M.S. Galactic Mystery Solvers. (WISTFUL) The only mystery we couldn't solve was how not to grow up.

Homer Simpson: That's right, an unauthorized tattoo. I came here right away.

C. Montgomery Burns: Very good.

Lenny Leonard: Here ya go! Forty-two inch plasma TV as a thank you from your uh...

Carl Carlson: Your uh, mother.

Homer Simpson: Who? Oh, that "my mother." Tell him thanks.

Officer Krackney: Okay, Tattoo Man. It's a month in the hole for ya.

Drederick Tatum: Solitary confinement? But without my weekly canasta, I'll die! It's my raison d'être.

Boy: (SNIFFING) Ew, Smokey. You've got that awful smell on you again.

Lisa Simpson: Hey, that's the smell of her real family! The Simpsons! And for your information, our walls have a bunch of dead raccoons in them. But we are saving up the money to find them!

Boy: Well, whatever. Smokey's our cat.

Girl: Smokey, stay!

Girl: Now back. Heel!

Lisa Simpson: Snowball does tricks?

Boy: Sure. C'mon Smokey, do your Smokey shuffle.

Lisa Simpson: Well, I don't care what you say, she still loves us more. Don't you, Snowball?

Lisa Simpson: (SADLY) You toyed with my heart like it was a toy heart.

Fat Tony: Gentlemen, we must determine which of our fellow inmates has become the Rodentus Incarcerarium.

Louie: You heard the boss. Find the rat.

Johnny Tightlips: I found the rat, and he's right here.

Frankie the Squealer: I ain't the rat, I'm the pigeon.

Legs: I thought you was the mole.

Johnny Tightlips: No, you're thinkin' of that guy who was the canary. But we can all agree, we work in a business with a very rich lexicon.

Louie: (AGREEING NOISES) Rich lexicon. Very rich.

Marge Simpson: Ooh, a Tiffany's box! And the thing inside is from Tiffany's! Homie, you've never done this before. How'd you afford it?

Homer Simpson: Well, if you really must know...

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) I'm a prison snitch.

Marge Simpson: (GASP) Haven't you seen what happens to people who rat in prison movies?

Homer Simpson: Sure, they're on top of the world. Then there's a big riot scene. Then I don't know, I usually doze off.

Marge Simpson: The prison snitch is killed! And that could be you! Because you're the prison snitch!

Homer Simpson: What are you dopes lookin' at? You've never seen bling-bling before?

Lisa Simpson: What is it that they have that keeps Snowball coming back to their house?

Bart Simpson: Only one way to find out.

Bart Simpson: (CUTESY) My baby turtle crawled into your basement window.

Mother: Oh, you poor boy. What's your turtle's name?

Bart Simpson: Uh... apron, boobs-face?

Mother: Really. Well, let's go find him.

Mother: And what's your name?

Bart Simpson: Uh... shoes, butt-back?

Snake Jailbird: (WHISPERS) Pssst. There's a jailbreak tonight.

Homer Simpson: How come nobody told me before?

Snake Jailbird: I sent you an e-vite. You never responded. Nice netiquette, jerk.

Homer Simpson: There's gonna be a breakout tonight.

Officer Krackney: Very good. Now I'd like a little more information.

Officer Krackney: Are biographies arranged by author, or subject?

Lisa Simpson: (EXASPERATED) What is Bart still doing in there?

Mother: You forgot to take some brownies!

Bart Simpson: Thanks, Mother Dexter! I'll be back tomorrow.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, why were you in there so long?

Bart Simpson: (EXCITED) Lis, that place is great! They have a jukebox in the basement! And look at the trick they taught me!

Bart Simpson: Are you watching? Are you watching?

Carl Carlson: When they come bustin' out, we'll be ready. Every single guard is outside waitin' for 'em.

Officer Krackney: Something don't feel right. Usually when there's a jailbreak there's electricity in the air. Like the calm before a summer storm.

Lenny Leonard: Or right before a heavyweight fight.

Officer Krackney: Mine's more poetic.

Officer Krackney: (SCANNING PRISON) Now, where the hell are they?

Prisoners: KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT.

Homer Simpson: What happened to the guards?! Okay, okay. Don't panic. Maybe they'll tire themselves out with their chant.

Louie: I call the balls of his feet!

Homer Simpson: Marge, they're gonna kill me! (MOANS) I only did what I had to do to survive... in a style befitting a French monarch.

Homer Simpson: Fly, Segway! Fly!

Kent Brockman: We've all heard of a laugh riot, but a prison riot? Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary, where our expensive Thermocam 3000 is finally being used for something.

Kent Brockman: This red glow is the heat from a pack of inmates who are desperately looking for prison snitch, Homer Simpson...this massive blob over here, who is attempting to hide in the kitchen area. Good luck, blobby.

Prisoners: KILL THE RAT! THEN HAVE SNACK! KILL THE RAT...!

Marge Simpson: (CALLING) Homer! Homer, where are you?

Homer Simpson: Marge! How did you get in here?

Marge Simpson: As President of the cultural board I was given a key to the concert hall.

Fat Tony: There's the filthy rat we're gonna kill. And his wife, who sometimes drives my son home from his school.

Marge Simpson: Oh, you must be Michael's dad!

Homer Simpson: Marge, c'mon!

Homer Simpson: We'll be safe in the gas chamber.

Marge Simpson: I want you to look into the faces of those poor men -- each one is a life you made worse with your ratting.

Homer Simpson: (PANICKED) Marge, I'm sorry I got you into this mess. Can I snitch on my heart and say... "I love you"?

Marge Simpson: (MOVED) Oh, Homie...

Louie: Tear gas! My one weakness!

National Guardsman: You can come in, Governor.

C. Montgomery Burns: Well I'll make these rioters regret their folly. This prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons. Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood and someone who can really point at genitalia.

Waylon Smithers: Done and done, sir.

Homer Simpson: Hold on a minute. Governor, I've been using my powers of snitching for evil. But now I want to tattle for good. This prison is a hellhole. They feed us horse meat -- with traces of jockey meat!

C. Montgomery Burns: I'll have you know I buy the finest cuts of beef.

Homer Simpson: The guards are sadistic and cruel!

Officer Krackney: I can't help the way I am. When I was a boy, I saw my father murdered before my eyes. By me.

Marge Simpson: Governor, I think the only fair solution is to pardon all these thugs and murderers.

Governor Mary Bailey: Well, since there's no room in the prisons you came from, I'm releasing you all to a garbage barge, where you will bare-knuckle box till one of you emerges as king of your floating hell.

Homer Simpson: You know what I missed in the joint? Just lying here watching you sleeping sweetly... sleeping sweetly...

Homer Simpson: (HYPNOTIC) ...sleeping sweetly...

Homer Simpson: (TO CAT) I won't tell if you don't tell.

Homer Simpson: Listen to me! This whole building is unsafe. They cut corners everywhere. People, it's a death trap!

Bart Simpson: No Dad, you fell asleep in front of the TV watching "The Towering Inferno."

Homer Simpson: How do you know the title of my prophetic vision?