Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Now, class, I promised you a surprise today...

Milhouse Van Houten: Wow. (PICTURING IN HIS MIND)

Bart Simpson: I knew it. (PICTURING IN HIS MIND)

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: ...And here it is. We're going to take a test.

Miss Hoover: We're going to take a test.

Lisa Simpson: All right! A test!

Miss Hoover: It's called the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test, or "CANT".

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair. (BITTERLY) In spite of your Masters from Bryn-mawr, you might end up a glorified baby-sitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (COMPOSING HERSELF) First question: (READS) "If I could be any animal, I would be A) A Carpenter Ant; B) A Nurse Shark; or C) A Lawyer Bird."

Miss Hoover: Question sixty: (READS) I prefer the smell of A) Gasoline; B) French Fries; or C) Bank Customers."

JANEY: (TO LISA) Well, that was a waste of time.

Lisa Simpson: Janey, school is never a waste of time.

Miss Hoover: Since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.

Courier: Here for the tests.

Attendant: C'mon Emma.

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: Here's your scientifically selected career --

JANEY: Architect.

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: Mm, hm.

Chuck: (WITH LISP) Insurance salesman.

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: Mm, hm.

Ralph Wiggum: Salmon gutter?

Milhouse Van Houten: (PROUDLY) Military strongman.

Martin Prince: (RAPIDLY) Systems analyst systems analyst systems analyst...

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: Systems analyst.

Martin Prince: Awriigght!

Lisa Simpson: Homemaker?!

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: Mm, hmm. It's like a Mommy.

Bart Simpson: (SURPRISED) Police officer? Well, I'll be jiggered.

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: (CHUCKLING) If you'd like to learn more I could arrange for you to ride along in a police car for a night.

Bart Simpson: Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.

Dr. J. Loren Pyror: I really think you should consider this. You know, before I saw these test results I had you pegged as a drifter.

Bart Simpson: Wow, a drifter.

Adult Bart: Lousy sheriff. Run me out of town. He's lost my vote.

Bart Simpson: Cool.

Lisa Simpson: A homemaker! I might as well be dead!

Marge Simpson: (A LITTLE HURT) Lisa, it's not that bad.

Homer Simpson: (MOUTH FULL) So what're you gonna be, boy?

Bart Simpson: (UNHAPPILY) Policeman.

Marge Simpson: (PROUDLY) That's nice, Bart. You know your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while. But they said he was too heavy.

Homer Simpson: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

Lisa Simpson: Well, I'm gonna be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs. And I may or may not die young, I haven't decided.

Marge Simpson: Honey, if that's what you want, we'll do anything we can to help.

Homer Simpson: Wait a minute. Isn't anybody gonna follow in my footsteps?

Lisa Simpson: Can you tell me if I have what it takes to be a blues musician?

FORTE: Sure can. Show me your chops.

FORTE: (LISTENING) Uh huh...

FORTE: Yeah.

FORTE: Cool.

Marge Simpson: So you think she has talent?

FORTE: Sure.

Marge Simpson: Do you think she could be a professional some day?

FORTE: Oh, Lord no.

Lisa Simpson: (SHOCKED) But I'll practice every day!

FORTE: Yeah, well I'll be frank with you, Lisa. And when I say frank, I mean, you know, devastating. (HOLDING UP LISA'S HAND) You've inherited a finger condition known as "stubbiness". It usually comes from the father's side.

Homer Simpson: Stupid fingers.

Lisa Simpson: (UPSET) You're wrong, you're wrong! You don't need long fingers to play the blues. The blues come from in here!

Lisa Simpson: My God, they are stubby.

Homer Simpson: (SCREAMS) Look, I didn't steal that copper wire. I just thought they were throwing it out. Here, take it.

Eddie: No no, sir, we're here to pick up your son. He's coming on a ride-along.

Homer Simpson: Good for you. Maybe this'll straighten the boy out.

Bart Simpson: Wow! Can I see your club?

Lou: It's called a baton, son.

Bart Simpson: Oh, what's it for?

Lou: We club people with it.

Sylvia Winfield: Well, it's about time.

Bart Simpson: So, you guys like being cops?

Lou: Oh it's great. You get to run red lights... Park wherever you please... Hot and cold runnin' chicks...

Eddie: And when you go home at night, you know you've made a difference.

Lou: Hey Bart, you see that Caddy over there?

Bart Simpson: Huh-huh.

Lou: That's Mayor Quimby's car. Tonight Hizzoner is "polling the electorate".

Mayor Joe Quimby: How would you like a street named after you?

Eddie: (SHAKING HEAD) I tell ya, they only come out at night.

Lisa Simpson: (WRITING) Dear Log... This will be my last entry. For you were a journal of my hopes and dreams, and now I have none.

Bart Simpson: Do you need straight A's to be a cop?

Bart Simpson: Hey, fellas, let's go shoot some bad guys.

Lou: Whoa, whoa, it doesn't quite work that way, son.

Eddie: People see movies like "McBain" and they think it's all bang-bang, shoot-'em-up, cops-n-robbers.

Eddie: Let's roll!

Eddie: (INTO MIKE) One ocean tango... We are in pursuit of a speeding individual, driving a red... (SQUINTS) ...car. License number... (SQUINTS)

Eddie: Eggplant-Xerxes-Crybaby-Overbite-Narwhal.

Snake Jailbird: Ohhh, nooo. Coppppss.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (PLEASED, TO SELF) Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous.

Bart Simpson: Oh, baby!

Eddie: Damn boxes!

Eddie: He's trapped.

Lou: Where's our backup?

Eddie: (AGITATED) I don't know. Son, this is against every regulation, but would you cover us?

Bart Simpson: Woww!

Snake Jailbird: (LAUGHING) See you in hell, punk.

Voice: Act Two: "Death Drives A Stick."

Snake Jailbird: See you in hell, punk.

Eddie: Man, that was close!

Lou: Good thing this alley got so narrow in the middle.

Chief Wiggum: (TO EDDIE AND LOU) Well, that's nice work, boys.

Chief Wiggum: (TO JAILBIRD) Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket... to jail.

Lou: He's unconscious, sir.

Chief Wiggum: (COVERING) They can still hear things!

Bart Simpson: (TO WIGGUM) Sir, I know what I wanna be when I grow up. (PROUDLY) A cop!

Chief Wiggum: Well, until then, son, I'm gonna make you an honorary police officer... Eddie, give him your badge.

Eddie: Hey!

Marge Simpson: Morning, honey.

Lisa Simpson: (MUMBLES SOURLY) What's so good about it....

Marge Simpson: Lisa, I know you're down on homemaking, but it can really let you be creative. See, this morning I turned bacon, eggs and toast into a nice smiley face for Bart and Homer.

Lisa Simpson: What's the point? They'll never notice.

Marge Simpson: Oh well, you'd be surprised.

Bart Simpson: Now, just relax your hand.

Bart Simpson: Thank you, Ma'am. You've been most cooperative.

Marge Simpson: Bad dog! Very bad dog.

Bart Simpson: Mom, before you blame the dog, I think you should take a look at these surveillance photos.

Marge Simpson: Oh... Oh... Unng... Oh, Bart.

Bart Simpson: Uh, I don't know how that got in there.

Marge Simpson: (WORRIED) Lisa, why aren't you at band practice?

Lisa Simpson: I quit.

Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, right now you're discouraged. But deep down, you know you love the saxophone. I think you should stay in the band.

Lisa Simpson: (SARCASTIC) If you think it's so great, why don't you join the band?

Marge Simpson: Lisa, there are a lot of people in the world who like to tell you what you can't do. But they don't always know what they're talking about.

Young Marge: You know what I want to be when I grow up?

Young Patty: The girl on the oatmeal box?

Young Marge: No, I'm going to be an astronaut.

Young Selma: Women can't be astronauts.

Young Marge: Why not?

Young Patty: They'd distract the men astronauts so they wouldn't keep their minds on the road.

Young Marge: There will too be women astronauts!

Young Marge: It's true! And we'll all live in cities on the moon.

Marge Simpson: So you see, my sisters were wrong. (FLUSTERED) Except about the cities on the moon. I was wrong about that. So... well, you can see how anyone can be wrong.

Seymour Skinner: Sweet vigilant puma. Principal of the mountains.

JANEY: Hi Lis, want to quiz me on the vowels?

Lisa Simpson: Janey, I'm about ready to chuck the whole stinking alphabet.

JANEY: Huh?

JANEY: (ALARMED) Lisa, what are you doing? That's the bad girl bathroom.

Lisa Simpson: (SARCASTIC) A doy.

Donna: You wanna egg his house?

Tammy: Okay.

Donna: (SEES LISA) What're you lookin' at?

Lisa Simpson: (SCARED) Nothin'.

Tammy: Then get out, 'cause we're figuring out stuff to egg.

Lisa Simpson: Okay, but if you really want to honk Skinner off, I suggest you attack the one thing he truly believes in.

Seymour Skinner: I saw some awful things in 'Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma. (FRUSTRATED) I never thought I'd say this, but the no-goodniks rule this school!

Seymour Skinner: (SIGHS) God, I could really use a half-day.

PRINCIPAL WILLIE: Think you're big men with your handcuffs and blasted tasers!

Bart Simpson: (DISMISSIVE HEAD GESTURE) Get him outta here.

PRINCIPAL WILLIE: I'll get you Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do!

Seymour Skinner: (EXASPERATED) Now what is this all about?

Bart Simpson: Well, it's quite simple, really. I observed our friend Groundskeeper Willie burning leaves with a blatant disregard for our clean air laws.

Seymour Skinner: (LAUGHS) Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?

Bart Simpson: That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... (RELISHING) And I liked it.

Seymour Skinner: Hm.

Seymour Skinner: Bart, there are a lot of troublemakers in this school... and Lord knows I can't be everywhere at once.

Bart Simpson: Go on.

Seymour Skinner: Look, let's can the euphemisms, huh? No more bullspit. How would you like to be a hall monitor?

Bart Simpson: Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids?

Seymour Skinner: That's the meat of it, yes.

Bart Simpson: Hmm.

Prosecutor: Now, Witness X, will you please tell the court what you saw?

Steve Allen: I'd be more than happy to. (CHUCKLES) I saw Mr. Montone there (POINTS HIM OUT) seal the late Mr. Palacio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier.

Mr. Montone: I keel you!!

Steve Allen: Aye carumba!

Bart Simpson: Uh, I don't know.

Seymour Skinner: (ENTICING) Oooh, now, you get to wear a sash...

Bart Simpson: (GASPS) You've got yourself a narc.

Bart Simpson: (CALLING TO PASSING KIDS) Hey, Jimbo, keepin' your nose clean, dude? Attaboy! Hey, Donna, who loves ya, baby?

Bart Simpson: (TO KID) Not in my hall, bub.

Bart Simpson: I think you've had enough, sister. C'mon, let's keep it moving.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: (CHANTING) Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly!

Bart Simpson: Allright, break it up, boys. That belly ain't gonna get any pinker.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: Okay. (BEAT) Wedgie!

Milhouse Van Houten: Oh!

Milhouse Van Houten: (IN PAIN, BUT SINCERE) Thanks, Bart.

Marge Simpson: Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?

Marge Simpson: We have three kids, Homer.

Homer Simpson: (ROLLS EYES INDULGENTLY) Maaarge... The dog doesn't count as a kid.

Marge Simpson: No, Maggie!

Homer Simpson: Oh yeah.

Miss Hoover: Now, take some paste and spread it on the construction paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?

Ralph Wiggum: (STICKY MOUTH) No, Miss Hoover.

Miss Hoover: Good. Now, sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. (NOTICING) Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.

Lisa Simpson: Shove it.

Seymour Skinner: I have never seen a good student take such a slide. Lisa, what are you rebelling against?

Lisa Simpson: (DEFIANT) Whattaya got?

Donna: (RAPIDLY) And she goes, "Lisa told Hoover to shove it" and I'm like, "No way!" And she's like, "Fraid so," and I'm all, "Whooah!", and she's like...

Tammy: Hey, Lisa, man. I'm like, so impressed. When I was in second grade, I was all (YOUNGER VOICE) "Hi, there, I'm so good." Want a smoke?

Lisa Simpson: Uh, I'll smoke it in class.

Donna: Whoa.

Seymour Skinner: Bart, you're doing a bang-up job. You know, before there were some corridors of this school you'd just never go down. Now I feel safe anywhere.

Bart Simpson: Every day is a new fight, sir.

Seymour Skinner: (PROUDLY) Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. And I have you to thank. Come with me.

Bart Simpson: (AWED) Madre de Dios! The legends were true!

Seymour Skinner: Yes Bart, whenever a teacher confiscates something it ends up here. (POINTS) Salacious halter-tops, complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy, and this fake plastic derriere.

Seymour Skinner: Now, to show my gratitude, I want you to help yourself to an item of your choice.

Bart Simpson: All-riight!

Seymour Skinner: Ooo, now, you be careful with that crossbow.

Bart Simpson: (SINCERE) I will.

Bart Simpson: Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.

Seymour Skinner: Forgery. So he didn't have leprosy.

Former Teacher: (EMOTIONAL) This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again.

Seymour Skinner: Oh, Things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey Lewis, watch this.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: Ow! Bart, do something.

Bart Simpson: Let's go, Milhouse.

Milhouse Van Houten: Sure, we have order. But at what price!

Miss Hoover: Now let's correct our homework exercises. Lisa, what nineteenth century figure was nicknamed "Old Hickory"?

Lisa Simpson: (BITTER) I don't know. You?

Miss Hoover: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment you'd know the answer is...

Miss Hoover: The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson.

Lisa Simpson: Well, you're earning your eighteen grand a year.

Lisa Simpson: (GRUMBLING TO SELF) Stupid Hoover... thinks she's so smart. (ETC.)

Lisa Simpson: She wouldn't be so smart without her (MOCKING) Teacher's edition.

Seymour Skinner: (GRAVELY) Ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened. Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition in this school.

Teacher #1: (WILD-EYED) What'll we do?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Declare a snowday!

Teacher #2: Does anyone know the multiplication table?

Seymour Skinner: Please, please, don't panic! (PEERING NERVOUSLY THROUGH BLINDS AT KIDS) They can smell fear.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh, day Martin will be teaching this class.

Martin Prince: I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (STERN) Just do it, Brainiac.

Hippie Teacher: Have I ever told you kids about the sixties?

Miss Hoover: I've... got... to get... out... of... here!

Miss Hoover: Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean.

Former Teacher: I'm leaving the profession again.

Seymour Skinner: Oh now Mr. Glasscock, please reconsider.

Former Teacher: Hunh-uh.

Seymour Skinner: Bart, the police haven't had any luck finding the teachers' editions.

Chief Wiggum: The dogs have picked up the scent of books.

Chief Wiggum: Send in the battering ram.

Eddie: Here we go!

Seymour Skinner: (PICKING UP PHONE) We're going to have to re-order every book.

Bart Simpson: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.

Seymour Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court...

Bart Simpson: Pfft, Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?

Seymour Skinner: Let's move.

Seymour Skinner: Hmm...

Seymour Skinner: Bah.

Bart Simpson: (GASPS) Lisa.

Lisa Simpson: That's right. It was I.

Bart Simpson: Lis, why did you do it?

Lisa Simpson: Come on, Bart. In your pre-Fascist days, you knew the giddy thrill of futile rebellion.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, but even I had my limits. You're looking at expulsion for this.

Lisa Simpson: I know. I know.

Seymour Skinner: (GASPS) The books!

Seymour Skinner: Oh, answers! Answers! (TO BART) Simpson, you've just saved the school one hundred and twenty dollars. (ANGRY) Who's behind this monstrous crime?

Bart Simpson: I am.

Seymour Skinner: I've been so blind. In retrospect, the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.

Bart Simpson: (COCKY) Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal Sucker.

Seymour Skinner: D'oh. Now Bart, in light of your recent service to the school, I've decided to be lenient. Four hundred days detention.

Bart Simpson: (COCKY) Four hundred days. I can do that standing on my head.

Seymour Skinner: All right, five hundred days.

Bart Simpson: Oooh, big man.

Seymour Skinner: Six hundred days.

Bart Simpson: (DEFIANT) Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.

Milhouse Van Houten: Let's go, Simpson.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, why'd you take the blame?

Bart Simpson: 'Cause I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.

Lisa Simpson: (MOVED) Oh, Bart.

Bart Simpson: Soundin' good, Lis!