Bart Simpson: Did you unscrew all the Phillips heads?

Milhouse Van Houten: Check. Did you unscrew all the flat heads?

Bart Simpson: Yep. And now we wait.

Bart Simpson: Now, go hide the evidence while I walk around saying (FAKE SURPRISE) "What happened? Who would do such a thing?"

Milhouse Van Houten: I'll return these to the shop room -- (COCKY SMILE) what's left of it.

Gary Chalmers: (MUFFLED) Skin-ner!

Seymour Skinner: (SOTTO) Shh. Don't tell him I'm here.

Gary Chalmers: (ANNOYED) I know you're there, Skinner! I'd recognize those discolored Hush Puppies anywhere.

Seymour Skinner: (TO MILHOUSE, PLEASED CHUCKLE) Hear that? He thinks my Try 'N' Save brand Shush Mutts are genuine Hush Puppies.

Seymour Skinner: We've got the "how" (POINTS TO TOOLS), and we've got the "who" (POINTS TO MILHOUSE), but we don't have the "why."

Groundskeeper Willie: Here 'tis.

Groundskeeper Willie: Hard to believe one lad can cause all this mayhem. Particularly a lad who failed "Introduction to Unscrewing."

Gary Chalmers: (SCOFFING NOISE) And I don't buy this "lone prankster" theory. I think there was a second "funman." And if you don't identify him, you're looking at a week's suspension.

Milhouse Van Houten: (DEFIANT) A nickel? (SNORTS)

Seymour Skinner: Milhouse, you realize, if you're suspended, you'll be missing... taco Wednesday.

Seymour Skinner: (MIMES MAKING TACO) Crunchy shell, ground beef, lettuce, mild sauce... and of course, shredded cheddar cheese! (TEMPTING NOISE)

Milhouse Van Houten: I'll never tell!

Seymour Skinner: (STERN) Consider yourself suspended, mister. Willie, take him to the big house -- where he lives.

Groundskeeper Willie: (TO MILHOUSE) Let's go, lad.

Groundskeeper Willie: Suspended boy walkin'!

Bart Simpson: Thanks for not selling me out, man.

Milhouse Van Houten: This really sucks, Bart. I'm grounded, and spend all day listening to my Dad yell at "Mad Money" with Jim Cramer.

Kirk Van Houten: You said tech stocks were bulletproof!

Bart Simpson: Look, I gotta go. But don't worry, I'll visit you every day. I promise.

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart -- you're a true friend.

Milhouse Van Houten: Byyyyyye.

Homer Simpson: Well, I'm glad they suspended Milhouse. He's a bad influence on you.

Homer Simpson: (CONFIDENTIALLY) You know, I think Milhouse is "El Barto." Hmmmm.

Homer Simpson: And now, you're gonna visit your Grampa while I park around the corner and take a nap.

Bart Simpson: So Grampa, not like I'm anxious to go, but I've been here ten minutes, which is like seven hours in kid years...

Grampa Simpson: It's her! The little girl who doesn't recoil at the sight of us.

Bart Simpson: Huh?

Jenny: Hi guys, I brought cookies!

Jenny: Chocolate chip for Donald, low sodium for Abe, "not made by immigrants" for Sam, and imaginary for Major Preston...

"MAJOR PRESTON": (ENGLISH ACCENT) With this cookie I can buy back Private O'Malley from the Zulus.

Bart Simpson: I think it is so cool what you are doing. So what's the gag? You put ex-lax in the cookies, then just sit back and watch the fireworks?

Jenny: (APPALLED) I would never do that!

Bart Simpson: (CATCHING HIMSELF) Oh, right. Um, I was thinking of other things that are hilarious. Like... things that you think are funny.

Jenny: (LAUGHING TO HERSELF) Yeah, those are funny.

Bart Simpson: (LAUGHS ALONG WITH HER) Yeah. I'm Bart.

Jenny: I'm Jenny.

Bart's Thoughts: She had more curves than a Hot Wheels track. Well, she didn't yet, but she would after puberty.

Bart Simpson: Oh my God, how long was I zoned out?

Jenny: Bart, this is my Aunt Belle. We dress alike. Isn't that cute?

Lisa Simpson: Math, done. Pine cone, collected. Permission slip, signed. Now time for a break -- (CRACKS KNUCKLES) a little social studies. (COCKY CHUCKLE)

Lisa Simpson: (READING) "What will Springfield be like in fifty years?" Let's see what the computer says:

Lisa Simpson: That's horrible. What else?

Lisa Simpson: Oh my God!

Lisa Simpson: It just gets worse and worse.

Nelson Muntz: So, who's the special someone?

Bart Simpson: Jenny. Fifth grade girl.

Nelson Muntz: (IMPRESSED NOISE) Whoa, she gets to use the real scissors. Nice.

Bart Simpson: When she talks to me, I feel like a better person.

Nelson Muntz: (NODS) Powerful stuff. You'd better claim her as your own. Punch her in her arm, or if you're really serious, stick gum in her hair. Here -- I always come prepared.

Nelson Muntz: Take two. You might get lucky.

Bart Simpson: (WALKING UP) Hey, Jenny.

Jenny: (FRIENDLY) Hi, Bart.

Bart Simpson: Boy, you make it look effortless. And that kid's giving you zero pump.

Jenny: (FLATTERED) Oh, you know what a girl likes to hear.

Nelson Muntz: (LOUD WHISPER) Seal the deal! Punch her! Punch her!

Nelson Muntz: (LOUD WHISPER) Punch herrrr!

Bart Simpson: Hey, do you want to go on a picnic tomorrow? You'd love my P.B. and J. The secret is, no P.B., double J.

Jenny: (LAUGHS) It's a date!

Bart Simpson: (PUMPS FIST) Yes!!! Willie, I've got a girlfriend!

Groundskeeper Willie: Really? (EYES DART) Well, eh, I do too. She's... a bikini model from Sweden.

Bart Simpson: (DOESN'T BELIEVE HIM, BUT NOT SARCASTIC) Hey, that's great.

Swedish Woman: Willie, darling, come back to bed. (CARESSES HIM) Don't you love me?

Groundskeeper Willie: Don't compete with my job, Inga. You'll never win.

Miss Hoover: And now Ralph Wiggum will read his essay on "Springfield in fifty years."

Ralph Wiggum: (CLEARS THROAT) In fifty years, the vacuum cleaner will be quiet and not scary.

Miss Hoover: Next we have (CHECKS LEDGER) Lisa Simpson.

Lisa Simpson: Oh Ralph, how I envy your optimism. There is no Springfield fifty years in the future! With global warming trapping the CO2 inside our poisonous atmosphere, our super-heated oceans will rise, drowning our lowlands, leaving what's left of humanity baking in deserts that once fed the world! (TAKES SEVERAL BREATHS TO CATCH UP)

Lisa Simpson: (GLARES AT ALL OF THEM) And in the new Nineveh (NI-NE-VEH), darkness falls.

Seymour Skinner: Lisa, your outburst was either a sign of deep emotional imbalance, or a passionate response to a sobering truth. Luckily, the treatment for both is intensive therapy.

Lisa Simpson: (SULLEN) What's therapy gonna do for me when the world is in ashes?

Seymour Skinner: Oh, I don't know. But when you go, could you return this Sports Illustrated for me?

Seymour Skinner: Someone must've, uh, put it in my bag. (CRAZED) They do that, you know. They're always putting things in my bag!

Jenny: So, you visit old folks. How else do you make the world a better place?

Bart Simpson: (BLANKING) Uh... I...

Bart Simpson: I spend a lot of time working with this mentally-challenged guy. Why, here he is now. Lookin' good, Homer!

Homer Simpson: (NODS) Boy. (WALKS OFF)

Jenny: He seems pretty high-functioning.

Bart Simpson: Just wait.

Homer Simpson: Don't shake your fist at me!

Homer Simpson: (SUDDENLY SCARED) Look, man, I don't want any trouble. C'mon -- here, here, just take my wallet. Leave me alone, okay? (SCARED NOISE)

Bart Simpson: Do you know who else was really into rowboats? Jesus. And he could've turned his rowboat into a jet ski, but he didn't. Good guy.

Jenny: (GASPS) Cheese and crackers! Look!

Jimbo Jones: Oh, you want your duckling back? Here it is. (BEAT) Psych!

DOLPH: (LAUGHS) That'll teach you to match wits with us, you stupid mother duck!

Jenny: Bart! Can't you do something?

Bart Simpson: Those bullies are gonna kill me! Why am I doing this?

Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah.

Bart Simpson: (QUIETLY) Please, guys, give me a break. Can you give me the duckling without beating me up?

Jimbo Jones: Well... we'll have to beat you up a little.

Bart Simpson: C'mon, I'm trying to impress a girl.

DOLPH: So are we.

Sleazy Girl: Either the duck suffers or the kid does. Or none of youse gettin' nothin' from Shauna. (TO BART) I'm Shauna.

Jenny: (IMPRESSED) Oh Bart, if those ducklings understood how magnificent you were, they'd stop biting your leg.

Psychiatrist: We believe Lisa is suffering from Environment Related Despair.

Homer Simpson: (SOB) Oh, it's even worse when you know it has a name.

Psychiatrist: (CONSOLING) Now don't worry, she'll be fine after years of expensive treatment. And, we have a new drug to combat this syndrome: Ignorital.

Psychiatrist: Let me show you how Ignorital works...

Psychiatrist: It turns this... to this!

Marge Simpson: (UNSURE) Lisa is a little young to be taking "happy pills."

Homer Simpson: Marge, we came to an appointment in the middle of the day. That's the most a parent can do.

Homer Simpson: We done here?

Lisa Simpson: Oh, go ahead -- numb me.

Bart Simpson: Mom, can I get those dishes for you?

Marge Simpson: (SUSPICIOUS) What's your angle, Mister?

Bart Simpson: No angle.

Bart Simpson: Um, if this girl I'm seeing comes here, and she might, I wouldn't mind if you told her I was the kind of boy that does the dishes.

Homer Simpson: (SARCASTIC) Yeah, busboys get all the chicks. (CHUCKLES)

Lisa Simpson: (MOURNFUL) Well, off to school where they'll prepare our little minds for a future we'll never see.

Lisa Simpson: (SIGHS, THEN DETERMINED) I'm going to Dizzyland!

Bart Simpson: So this is setting the table. If I'd known how easy this was, I'd have just done it instead of throwing all those tantrums.

Marge Simpson: (HAPPY) Oh, Bart, I don't care that this is just an act. You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of: a girl.

Jenny: (SOTTO) You never told me that the "special" man you were working with is your father.

Bart Simpson: (SOTTO) Uh... it's not an easy thing to admit.

Jenny: (SOTTO) Is the rest of your family... okay?

Bart Simpson: Uh... well...

Lisa Simpson: (LOOKING AROUND, LOOPY) Hello, Smiley Face. Hello, Smiley Face.

Wiggum Smiley Face: (ANGUISHED NOISE, THEN INTO RADIO:) Officer down!

Marge Simpson: Jenny, it's amazing what you've done with my son.

Jenny: Well, I think Bart is an incredible combination of Habitat For Humanity and the Jonas Brothers. (SMALL LAUGH)

Jenny: And nothing can ever change my opinion about him.

Bart Simpson: (VERY AGGRAVATED) We don't have any money! Go away! (COMPOSING HIMSELF, TO JENNY) May I de-corn your cob, my darling?

Milhouse Van Houten: Why didn't you come to visit me, Bart?

Bart Simpson: Yeah, I meant to, I've just been sooo busy. My schedule has been all like ("GOIN' CRAZY" GROWL).

Milhouse Van Houten: But what could be more important than your best friend?

Jenny: Who's this, Bart?

Milhouse Van Houten: Oh. I see how it is. Actually, I don't. My glasses are fogged.

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, I learned some great new swear words from my uncle! He's got a broken back so he's in constant pain.

Jenny: Bart? Would you be interested in swears?

Bart Simpson: Yes, because only by knowing them can you prevent bad little kids from saying them.

Bart Simpson: (ASIDE, TO MILHOUSE) What do you want from me?!

Milhouse Van Houten: I want to know why my best friend didn't visit me like he said he would.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, real best friends often don't speak for years at a time. Like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson.

Milhouse Van Houten: Just because you saw one episode of one mini-series doesn't mean you get to use it as a whip!

Bart Simpson: Look, man. I have to keep my dark past hidden. There's someone new in my life now.

Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, I get it. It's love. I guess you found your Abigail Adams.

Bart Simpson: My who?

Milhouse Van Houten: So I'll be on my way. I can see I'm the fifth wheel on this bicycle with training wheels. But the next time I see you two I might not be able to hold my tongue.

Milhouse Van Houten: (HOLDING TONGUE) It's really quite difficult.

Ned Flanders: Reverend, care for some of my devils food cake?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (SKEPTICAL) Is that really devils food?

Ned Flanders: (QUICKLY ADMITTING) No, it's angels food with chocolate on top.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (SMUGLY) I knew it.

Bart Simpson: Sorry I'm late. I didn't realize you had to turn the oven on to bake stuff.

Milhouse Van Houten: So, Jenny, I hear you're religious. Know what my favorite book of the Bible is? (OMINOUS) Revelations.

Jenny: Mine too! Bart, we should take Milhouse on our trip to juice country.

Bart Simpson: Are you nuts?! Milhouse will spill everything. By which I mean juice, not secrets!

Milhouse Van Houten: Yeah, you guys don't want me there.

Milhouse Van Houten: But I'm sure we'll see each other soon.

Jenny: You look tense. Have a cookie.

Lisa Simpson: (PLAYFUL) If you don't stop smiling, you're gonna get a kiss!

Marge Simpson: That's it! We're getting you off the meds!

Bart Simpson: We should be safe from Milhouse here. Being at sea level gives him nosebleeds.

Jenny: Milhouse is funny. The way he's always shaking me by the shoulders and saying I don't know the real you. Funny!

Bart Simpson: I'm tired of talking about Milhouse!

Milhouse Van Houten: Hello, Bart. Surprised to see me at sea level? Well, you can't bleed out your nose when your heart's broken.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, could you stop being creepy for just a minute?

Milhouse Van Houten: (CREEPY) No. Jenny, do you see how the dolphin in that tank seems to shy away from Bart? Why might that be?

Bart Simpson: (SIGHS) Jenny, I can't take the pressure anymore. I have to come clean. I'm only pretending to be good...

Bart Simpson: Before I met you, I was El Barto, Skinner's Bane, the Sultan of Spitwads, the Dean of D-minus, the Ay carumba Kid!

Jenny: No, no, no, no, no!

Bart Simpson: But now I'm good because you turned me good. Isn't that all that matters?

Jenny: Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?

Bart Simpson: Not our entire relationship. Just the stuff I said.

Bart Simpson: (THROUGH TEARS) I can't believe she dumped me!

Homer Simpson: (GENTLY) Son, girls come and go. But you'll always have your family.

Homer Simpson: (SOBS) I know, I know. (LOUD SOBS)

Bart Simpson: Hit me again, 'Pu.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Whatever you are looking for, it is not at the bottom of a five hundred and twelve ounce cup of Shrek Berry Blast. What is at the bottom is the "Stump Shrek Trivia Quiz" which, if answered correctly, entitles you to ten percent off any Shrek DVD -- except the first two.

Lisa Simpson: (WALKS UP) Bart, in my concurrent adventure, I learned a really important lesson: you can't wallow in despair. Face things as they really are.

Bart Simpson: You're right. I've gotta straighten this out.

Bart Simpson: How much for these roses, Apu?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Uh... Ten dollars.

Lenny Leonard: Okay, I... (LOOKS AROUND, SIGHS) What happened to my roses, Apu? You said you'd watch them while I shopped.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: No such conversation took place.

Lenny Leonard: What am I gonna put on my Grandma's grave?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: How about this standee from last year's Super Bowl?

Lenny Leonard: Sold!

Lenny Leonard: (SADLY) Gramma, a lot has happened: I went to a condo presentation, I put down my deposit, but then they lost funding mid project. That crane just sits there everyday. Rusting.

Bart Simpson: I am so sorry I tried to deny who I really was. You deserve better. I'll never hurt you again. Can you forgive me?

Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, Bart! I was born forgiving you.

Bart Simpson: You've always been there for me, man. I'll never turn my back on you again.

Nelson Muntz: Punch him! Punch him! (LOUD WHISPER) Punch hiiim!

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, whaddaya say to a make-up prank?

Bart Simpson: Smooth and slippery. Thank you, Zamboni King.

Zamboni Operator: (WISEGUY) Happy to oblige.

Seymour Skinner: Simp-son!

Gary Chalmers: Skin-ner!

Bart Simpson: Cue music.

Bart Simpson: And, cue snow.