Announcer: Live, from Springfield Harbor -- where the sewage meets the sand.

Announcer: It's the Springfield Squares.

Kent Brockman: (TO CONTESTANT) Now Jacqueline, I believe it's your turn.

Jacqueline: I will take Ranier Wolfcastle to block.

Kent Brockman: Ah, Ranier Wolfcastle, star of McBain and the upcoming film, "Help, My Son Is A Nerd!"

Rainier Wolfcastle: My son returns from a fancy east coast college and I'm horrified to find he's a nerd.

Kent Brockman: (LAUGHING) I'm laughing already.

Rainier Wolfcastle: It's not a comedy.

Kent Brockman: Oh.

Coast Guard Officer: Attention! This is the coast guard. A fifty foot tidal wave is heading this way. All game shows off the beach!

Barry White: Everybody up here to my square! It's safe and it's sexy. Oh baby.

Rainier Wolfcastle: Hurry, Charley. There is not much time.

"Charley Weaver": I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert near thirty seasons and I ain't a-leavin' now.

Homer Simpson: He's dead now.

Announcer: Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo!

Bart Simpson: Did you see that?

Homer Simpson: Yeah.

Bart Simpson: What's Gabbo?

Homer Simpson: I figure it's some guy's name. (BEAT) Some guy named Gabbo.

Lisa Simpson: I don't think they're giving you enough information, Dad.

Homer Simpson: I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.

C. Montgomery Burns: Look Smithers! Garbo is coming!

Waylon Smithers: (UNCOMFORTABLE) Uh... yes sir.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Everyone is saying "Gabbo this" and "Gabbo that." But no one is saying "Worship this" and "Jericho that."

Jasper Beardly: What's this about Gabbo?

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe it. Our first glimpse of Gabbo!

Homer Simpson: (PLACIDLY) He'll tell us what to do.

Gabbo: Hello. I'm Gabbo.

CRANDALL: (DISTINGUISHED VOICE) And I'm Arthur Crandall.

Gabbo: That's easy for you to say. You don't have a hand up your tuchus. (JERRY LEWIS LAUGH, NOISES)

CRANDALL: (DISTINGUISHED LAUGH) Oh, Gabbo. You'll say anything. (TO CAMERA) And you can watch us every afternoon at four.

Lisa Simpson: That's the same time as Krusty the Klown!

Bart Simpson: Uh-oh. That cute little character could take America by storm. All he needs is a hook.

Gabbo: (CUTE AND POUTY) I'm a bad widdle boy.

Bart Simpson: Ay carumba!

Gabbo: (SINGS) YOU'RE GONNA LIKE ME / YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME / 'CAUSE I CAN DO MOST ANYTHING...

Gabbo: (SINGS) ... I CAN DO THE "HULLY GULLY"/ I CAN IMITATE VIN SCULLY...

"Vin Scully": Let's take time out from this triple play to talk about Farmer Dan's pure pork sausages. Mmmmm!

Gabbo: (SINGS) ... I'LL GIVE OUT SHINY DIMES...

Gabbo: (SINGS) I'LL TRAVEL BACK IN TIME...

Soldier Puppets: (SINGING) YOU'RE GONNA LIKE HIM!

Cossack Puppets: (SINGING, RUSSIAN ACCENT) YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM!

Everyone: (SINGING) IT'S THE GREATEST SHOW IN TOWNNNNN! Gabbo!

Krusty the Clown: Eh, that dummy doesn't scare me. I've had plenty of guys come after me and I've buried 'em all. Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop...

Miss Lois Pennycandy: Don't forget the Special Olympics.

Krusty the Clown: (REMEMBERING FONDLY) Oh, yeah. I slaughtered the Special Olympics. (CHUCKLES)

Krusty the Clown: Are those our ratings? Let me see.

Krusty the Clown: I lost to Channel Ocho? What the Hell is that?

Bumblebee Man: Dos huevos, por favor.

Bumblebee Man: (SADLY) Que Lastima.

Krusty the Clown: (CHUCKLES) I gotta steal that bit.

Milhouse Van Houten: This is boring.

Milhouse Van Houten: NELSON

Milhouse Van Houten: I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there.

Milhouse Van Houten: Cool.

Nelson Muntz: Now, let's throw some crud on it!

Milhouse Van Houten: (LOOKING AT WATCH) Hey, it's four o'clock.

Krusty the Clown: So you want ventriloquism, do ya? All right. Watch this. (TO DUMMY) Hello Alphonse, I've got a riddle for you. Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Alphonse: (SLIGHTLY HIGHER VOICE) I don't know. Why is a...

Krusty the Clown: Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead!

Krusty the Clown: All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, I will send you $40.

Commercial Announcer: (QUICKLY) Checks will not be honored.

Mayor Joe Quimby: I admit I have used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemy. But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy."

Krusty the Clown: (FRUSTRATED NOISE, THEN) Well kids, this is where you would watch Itchy and Scratchy, except they're on the Gabbo show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team: Worker and Parasite! (LAUGH)

Krusty the Clown: What the hell was that?

Krusty the Clown: Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud that we never did a bad show... except for that week Ray Jay Johnson was my co-host. "You can call me Ray... and you can call me Jay..." (DISGUSTED NOISE) That thing was funny for about three seconds. But the important thing is, we're like a family.

Sideshow Mel: (MOVED) Krusty, I...

Krusty the Clown: (MEAN) Shut your hole.

Johnny Carson: Krusty, how ya holding up?

Krusty the Clown: I'm kinda worried about the future. How do you deal with it?

Johnny Carson: Well, you've been on TV longer than I have. I'm sure you've saved up quite a nest egg.

Krusty the Clown: Uh-yeah. Do they still buy human hair down at the wig shop?

Johnny Carson: Krusty, you wanna stay for dinner?

Krusty the Clown: Nah, sorry.

Johnny Carson: Ah, that's too bad. Tonight my guests will be Dr. Carl Sagan and from the San Diego Zoo, Joan Embrey.

Actress: Oh Kyle, I just don't think I fit in here at Melrose Place.

Krusty the Clown: From now on, I'll be doing the thinking for both of us.

Casting Director: Next.

Krusty the Clown: Come on! You stupid horse! I got my last ten bucks on you! No, don't look at me! Run! (BEAT) No! Don't come over here! (MOANS)

Krusty the Clown: (SIGHS) Oh boy.

Gabbo: And now, it's time for another patented Gabbo Crank Call! Oh I love these.

Bart Simpson: I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty!

Lisa Simpson: Yeah, well Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.

Grampa Simpson: Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Gabbo: It's ringing. (GEORGE TAKEI-TYPE VOICE) Hello. Is this Krusty the Klown?

Krusty the Clown: Is this the callback for that porno film? Look, I was a little nervous that day. But I'm all man, I can assure you...

Gabbo: No, I represent a Japanese camera company. We'd like to pay you two million dollars to do a camera commercial.

Krusty the Clown: Whoa! Me rikey velly much. (THEN, DESPERATE) Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad.

Gabbo: Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone?

Krusty the Clown: Oh, you got it. (HITTING NOISE) Ow. (HITTING NOISE) Ow. (REALIZING) Ew, blood.

Krusty the Clown: What the? (REALIZING) If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

Bart Simpson: Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's.

Lisa Simpson: Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart.

Bart Simpson: Yes they do.

Lisa Simpson: No they don't.

Bart Simpson: Yes they do.

Lisa Simpson: No they don't.

Bart Simpson: Yes they do.

Lisa Simpson: Dad...

Homer Simpson: (READING NEWSPAPER) Two wrongs make a right, Lisa. Ah, Rex Morgan M.D., you have the prescription for the daily blues.

CRANDALL: We'll be back after this commercial for Gabbo Airlines.

Gabbo: That ought to hold the little S.O.B.'s.

CRANDALL: Gabbo, quiet.

Gabbo: Oh, (SARCASTIC) I wouldn't want to offend the little S.O.B.'s.

CRANDALL: I wish you'd stop saying that.

Bart Simpson: Hmmm.

Cameraman: (WISE GUY VOICE) Hey, boyo, what's so funny?

Bart Simpson: Well, it's... Ah, you wouldn't be interested. It's too low brow.

Cameraman: No I'm quite low brow.

Bart Simpson: Well... somebody just wrote a bawdy limerick on the men's room wall.

Cameraman: This I gotta see!

Gabbo: All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.'s.

Kent Brockman: ... Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. (BEAT) Well, that ought to hold those (CHUCKLE) S.O.B.'s.

Kent Brockman: What the...?

Bart Simpson: Oh no!

Bart Simpson: Krusty, are you making any money?

Krusty the Clown: Nah. That guy is giving it away for free.

Old Man: (SINGS) THE OLD GREY MARE / SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE / AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE / AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE...

Krusty the Clown: (SADLY) Thirty-five years in show business and already no one remembers me. Just like what's his name... and whosis... and you know, that guy, always wore a shirt...

Bart Simpson: Ed Sullivan?

Krusty the Clown: Yeah.

Bart Simpson: I didn't know you knew Luke Perry!

Krusty the Clown: (SNORTS) Know him? He's my worthless half brother.

Lisa Simpson: He's a big TV star.

Krusty the Clown: (DISMISSIVELY) Yeah, on Fox...

Bart Simpson: Elizabeth Taylor... Bette Midler...

Krusty the Clown: Bette and I owned a race horse together. Krudler.

Lisa Simpson: Hey Bart, If we get all of these big stars to appear on a special with Krusty, it might get his career going again.

Krusty the Clown: Here's my address book. Go get those stars!

Krusty the Clown: It won't be easy, but I'm gonna claw my way back onto TV.

Old Man: (SINGS) THE OLD GRAY MARE/ SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE/ AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE/ AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE...

Old Man: And now, the crazy old man singers.

Old Man Singers: (SING) THE OLD GRAY MARE / SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE / AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE...

Lisa Simpson: Miss Midler, I can't believe you do this all by yourself.

Bette Midler: (SIGHS HAPPILY) We're Americans. We deserve clean highways.

Bette Midler: You pigs!

Snake Jailbird: Oh nooo! Bette Midler.

Bette Midler: (SWEETLY) Now where were we?

Lisa Simpson: We were asking you to appear on Krusty's come back special.

Bette Midler: (THINKS) Okay. Tell Krusty he can count me in.

Bette Midler: (GRIM) It's time to take out the trash.

Driver: (DOPPLER EFFECT) I'll get you for this, Midler...

Tour Guide: And off to your left is Hugh Hefner's Shelbyville Pad.

Hugh Hefner: A lot of people know about the grotto and the game room...

Bart Simpson: Of course. (BLOWS BUBBLES)

Hugh Hefner: But few know about the laboratory, the biosphere, the alternative energy research center...

Bart Simpson: Fascinating. (REFILLS PIPE)

Bart Simpson: Desalinization plant?

Hugh Hefner: (NODS) Yes. The grotto uses so much water... the bunnies felt we should go this way.

Bart Simpson: Smart bunnies, Hef. I can call you Hef, can't I?

Hugh Hefner: No.

Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds thirty-thousand people.

Moe Szyslak: (LYING) It does. We had thirty thousand here last night. Now play. The audience is gettin' restless.

Barney Gumble: We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy!

Bart Simpson: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers. Would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Klown Special?

Flea: (ASIDE) Sure -- if you get us out of this gig.

Bart Simpson: No problemo. (POINTS) Hey, Moe! Look over there.

Moe Szyslak: What?... What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon... What... what, is that it?

Homer Simpson: Hey, Moe, can I look too?

Moe Szyslak: Sure, but it'll cost ya.

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED) My wallet's in the car.

Moe Szyslak: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall... (HE STARES)

Agent: Ms. Taylor, a couple of grade school kids wanted you to be on a Krusty special. I told them to buzz off.

Elizabeth Taylor: Good.

Bart Simpson: Krusty! We've got great news!

Lisa Simpson: Krusty! What have you done to yourself?

Krusty the Clown: I thought I'd get into shape so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.

Lisa Simpson: You mean those diet milkshakes?

Krusty the Clown: Uh-oh.

Homer Simpson: Now, you can stay with us until you lose that weight. You can sleep on the sofa, it folds right out.

Homer Simpson: Oh, wait. That was the old sofa.

Krusty the Clown: (MOANS) I'll never get my aim back.

Bart Simpson: You've got to keep working on it.

Homer Simpson: Ooh, delicious.

Krusty the Clown: Oh, why am I bothering? It's hopeless.

Gabbo: Hi kids! It's me, Gabbo! (IRRITATING, ALMOST NASTY, LAUGH) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ho!

Newsman: Pork prices rose in early trading today.

Krusty the Clown: But you've gotta come back, Mel! We're a team.

Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.

Krusty the Clown: Ah, come on, you wanna waste your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?

Counter Boy: (TEENAGE VOICE) Here's your taco, Mister.

Counter Boy: Oops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. (MOANS) (MOANS AGAIN)

Sideshow Mel: Sorry, Krusty. I like it here. Mr. Johannson treats me with dignity.

Mr. Johannson: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?

Sideshow Mel: That's all right, Mr. Johannson. I'll handle it.

Counter Boy: Here's your taco, sir.

Krusty the Clown: I don't want it.

Counter Boy: But this comes out of my salary. If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

Stage Manager: Ok Krusty, let's rehearse the balloon bit.

Stage Manager: Look, kids. (BALLOON NOISES) A horsie! And what are you making Sideshow Luke Perry?

Luke Perry: (BALLOON NOISES) A 19th Century carousel.

Krusty the Clown: Upstage me, will ya! Get the hell out!

Luke Perry: Look, there must be something I can do on the show. (BEAT) Please. (BEAT) For Mom's sake.

Krusty the Clown: (DISGUSTED) Well... maybe we can find something.

Gabbo: I don't like it. He's got Johnny Carson, Bette Midler AND Hugh Hefner. What do we got?

CRANDALL: Ray Jay Johnson.

Krusty the Clown: Now boys... uh... the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Would you mind changing 'em for the show?

Anthony Kiedis: Forget you, clown.

Chad Smith: Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way.

Krusty the Clown: Well okay. But here where you say "What I got you gotta get and put it in you," how about just "what I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you"?

Flea: Wow, that's much better.

ARIK MARSHAL: Everyone can enjoy that.

Krusty Announcer: Live from Springfield, the entertainment capital of this state, the Krusty Comeback Special.

Krusty the Clown: (SINGING) SEND IN THE CLOWNS / THOSE DAFFY, LAFFY CLOWNS / SEND IN THOSE SOULFUL AND DOLEFUL, SHMOTZ-BY-THE BOWLFUL CLOWNS... / SEND IN THE CLOWNS (SOBS)

Sideshow Mel: (SINGING) THEY'RE ALREADY HERE...

Sideshow Mel: I love you Krusty.

Krusty the Clown: Quiet

Krusty the Clown: (LOOKING AT AUDIENCE) Are you comfortable in there, Luke Perry?

Luke Perry: (MUFFLED) Fire away, Krusty.

Luke Perry: My face! My valuable face!

Krusty the Clown: Dancing around in their underwear. That is so degrading.

Stage Manager: Thirty seconds till your L'il Stinker sketch.

Krusty the Clown: Get me a bigger lolly.

Krusty the Clown: Now, Johnny, whatcha got for us. Jokes -- a little magic?

Johnny Carson: Actually I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.

Krusty the Clown: Hi yo! Johnny, that's amazing!

Johnny Carson: Oh yeah? Get a load of this.

Elizabeth Taylor: I've got to fire that agent.

Bette Midler: (SINGING) DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU'RE MY HERO?

Bette Midler: (SINGING) YOU'RE EVERYTHING I WOULD LIKE TO BE?

Krusty the Clown: (SINGING) YOU CAN FLY HIGHER THAN AN EAGLE...

Krusty the Clown: (SINGING) 'CAUSE YOU (I) ARE (AM) THE WIND BENEATH MY (YOUR) WINGS.

Bette Midler: This was a great show, Krusty. You deserve an Emmy for this.

Krusty the Clown: Forget it. The Academy hates me. I don't know why. Bunch of old, know-nothin' dinosaurs wouldn't know entertainment if it bit 'em in the (SEES CAMERA) Hey hey!

Johnny Carson: Now, Krusty, I just hope you remembered to save your money this time.

Miss Lois Pennycandy: Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty. (HOLDS IT UP)

Moe Szyslak: Hey you can't come in here dressed like that.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Get with the times, Moe.

Chief Wiggum: Yeah. I say, if it feels good, do it.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: All right.

Chief Wiggum: Don't snap my undies.

Krusty the Clown: I'm a star again. (WARMLY) I don't know how to thank you kids.

Bart Simpson: That's alright, Krusty.

Lisa Simpson: We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales.

Krusty the Clown: (MAD) What!? That's the sweetest plum. You... little... (THEN) Ahh. What the Hell. You deserve it. Thanks kids.

Bart Simpson: To Krusty. The greatest entertainer in the world. (POINTS) Except maybe that guy.

Grampa Simpson: Is this the bus to the Civic Center?