Dr. Julius Hibbert: (INTO MICROPHONE) Welcome to the new Springfield Center for Geriatric Medicine. You know, health care for the aging is an important priority--

Grampa Simpson: Get to Matlock! Maaaatlock!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Well, uh, without further ado (CHUCKLES) I give you the man who puts young people behind bars -- where they belong -- TV's "Matlock!"

Old Ladies: (SINGING) WE LOVE YOU, MATLOCK, OH YES WE DO...

Jasper Beardly: What's eatin' you, Abe? For three weeks, all you been talkin' bout was meeting Matlock. Now you met him, swiped his pills... (READING BOTTLE) "Take one every hour to prevent spastic heart convulsions..."

Jasper Beardly: But you ain't said a word.

Grampa Simpson: Lookin' at that tired old freak has made me realize I'm no spring chicken myself. I can feel death's clammy hand on my shoulder.

Grampa Simpson: Wait. That's my hand.

Grampa Simpson: (RECITING) Hello. As you may know, I might not be around much longer, so I've decided to give you your inheritance before I die, that way I can see you enjoy it. Lisa, I know you like reading and... so forth... To you I give you my lifetime of personal correspondence.

Lisa Simpson: Thanks. (READING) "Mr. Simpson. Stop. Your constant letters are becoming a nuisance. Stop. If you do not cease, I will be forced to pursue legal action. Stop. Signed, Boris Karloff, Hollywood, California."

Grampa Simpson: And to my son, Homer...

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Grampa Simpson: ...And his entire family...

Grampa Simpson: ...I leave these. A box of mint-condition nineteen eighteen Liberty-Head silver dollars.

Grampa Simpson: Ya see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in zeppelins dropping coins on people. And one day, I seen J.D. Rockefeller flyin' by, so I run out of the house with a big washtub and... Where're you goin'?

Homer Simpson: Dad, we'd love to stay here and listen to your amusing antidotes, but we have to take these coins to the mall and spend them.

Grampa Simpson: Anyway, about my washtub. I had just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "Walking Bird"...

Grampa Simpson: ...we'd always have "Walking Bird" on Thanksgiving. ... With all the trimmings: cranberries, Injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called 'baseball.'

Homer Simpson: Look, Maggie! It's Sgt. Thug's Mountaintop Command Post, complete with Death-bringer missiles that really launch!

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED MURMUR) That toy isn't safe for a baby like Maggie.

Homer Simpson: Ah, come on, Marge, you're way too...

Grampa Simpson: When I was young, toys were built to last! Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box!

Grampa Simpson: And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em! (GRUNT) ...Stupid toy soldier... stupid!

Security Guard: All right, come on, pops. Soldiers won't bother you anymore.

Homer Simpson: (PLAYING) ONE, TWO, THREE O'CLOCK, FOUR O'CLOCK ROCK. FIVE, SIX, SEVEN O'CLOCK, EIGHT O'CLOCK ROCK!..

Homer Simpson: ROCK! ROCK! ROCK! ROCK-A, ROCK, ROCK! ROCKAROCKROCK! (ETC.)

Homer Simpson: (BIG FINISH) WE'RE GONNA ROCK, GONNA ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK TO-NIGHHHTTT!

Onlookers: Boo!

Homer Simpson: (YELLING OVER FEEDBACK) Thank you, thank you very much!

Lisa Simpson: I'm warning you, Mom -- I may get a little crazy.

Marge Simpson: I understand, honey. When I was your age there was a...

Lisa Simpson: Hey, horse-face! Git yer ugly pie-hooks off that Summer Fun Set!

Girl #1: Look! "Achy-Breaky" Stacy for a dollar ninety-nine!

Girl #2: "Live from the Improv" Stacy is only eighty- cents.

Girl #2: Ewww.

Girl: Hey, mister, what's in the box?

Girl #2: (SQUEAKY TEENAGE VOICE) Um, it's the uh new Talking Malibu Stacy.

Stockboy: (CRIES OF PAIN) Help!! Mr. Weiss!

Marge Simpson: Hm. I don't know if it's a good idea to do that while you're driving.

Homer Simpson: Marge, that's what I bought it for!

Grampa Simpson: Watch it with that thing! My skull is eggshell thin!

Lisa Simpson: Thanks for buying us these toys, Grampa.

Grampa Simpson: Bah. Why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows or a nice pipe organ? (BEAT) I'm thirsty! Ew! What smells like mustard? There sure are a lotta ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh, look at that one!

Grampa Simpson: Ow! My glaucoma just got worse! The president is a demmycrat! Hello! I can't unbuckle my seat belt! Hello?

Grampa Simpson: There are too many leaves in your walkway!

Grampa Simpson: Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death?

Homer Simpson: Yes. But there's more.

Homer Simpson: Dad, I love you, but: you are a weird, sore-headed old crank and nobody likes ya.

Grampa Simpson: Consarn it! (BEAT, THEN SAD) I guess I am an old crank. But what am I gonna do about it?

Hip Old Man: One sip and I'm totally hip! (PARTY HOWL)

Buzz Announcer: Buzz Cola. There's a little boogie in every bottle.

Grampa Simpson: (ALL FIRED UP) Holy smokes, that's it! From now on, I'm thinkin', actin', and lookin' young! And I'm gonna start with a bottle of Buzz Cola!

Grampa Simpson: (PANICKED) Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Eh! Water, water!

Lisa Simpson: (DRAMATIC) A hush falls over the General Assembly as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address. (PULLS STRING)

Malibu Stacy: (DITZY) I wish they taught shopping in school!

Malibu Stacy: Let's bake some cookies for the boys!

Lisa Simpson: (TO DOLL) Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say? (PULLS STRING)

Malibu Stacy: Don't ask me -- I'm just a girl! (DUMB GIGGLE)

Bart Simpson: Right on! Say it, sister!

Lisa Simpson: It's not funny, Bart! Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act! (BUILDING TO A FURIOUS CRESCENDO) That they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!!

Bart Simpson: Just what I was gonna say.

Grampa Simpson: Look at me! I'm actin' young! Woooow!

Grampa Simpson: Hey, this ain't so bad.

Malibu Stacy: Let's buy makeup so the boys will like us!

Lisa Simpson: (GROANS) Don't you people see anything wrong with what Malibu Stacy says?

Goofy Girl: (SAD) Oh, there's something wrong with what my Stacy says. (PULLS STRING)

Goofy Girl's Stacy: (DEEP MALE VOICE) My Spidey sense is tingling! (THEN) Anybody call for a web-slinger?

Lisa Simpson: No, Celeste, I mean the things she says are sexist.

Becky: Oooh! Lisa said a dirty word!

Lisa Simpson: They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!

Marge Simpson: Lisa -- ordinarily, I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in, but you have been doing that an awful lot lately.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, you made us march in that Gay Rights Parade.

Homer Simpson: (BITTER) And we can't watch Fox 'cause they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe you're just gonna stand by as your daughters grow up in a world where this, (SHAKES DOLL) this is their role model.

Marge Simpson: (A BIT PEEVED) I had a Malibu Stacy when I was little, and I turned out all right. (GETTING UP) Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.

Malibu Stacy: Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

Lisa Simpson: That's it! I'm calling the company!

Recorded Voice: Hello. You have reached the Malibu Stacy Customer Service Center. If you have a complaint about Malibu Stacy's appearance or odor, press one. If you've given Malibu Stacy a haircut and need to order a replacement head, press two. For information on our factory tour, press three...

Lisa Simpson: Mom! We could go on the factory tour and I could complain in person!

Marge Simpson: (WARY) Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Keebler people were very upset...

Claire Harper: Welcome to Enchantment Lane, where all the parts come together and Malibu Stacy is born! Some folks say there is a little touch of fairy dust in the air.

Ugly Man: Aw, crap. (YELLING) There's a clog in the torso chute! Leroy, get your ass in gear.

Leroy: Shut yer hole.

Announcer: Malibu Stacy -- America's favorite eight and a half incher!

Announcer: In 1959, homemaker Stacy Lovell had a design and a dream. The design--Malibu Stacy. The dream--to mass-market a fashion doll that was also edible.

Announcer: Kids didn't much like the taste of dried onion meal, but they loved the doll! A second, plastic Malibu Stacy took America by storm. Just ask the owner of the world's largest Malibu Stacy collection--Waylon Smithers of Springfield.

Waylon Smithers: (TO CAMERA) Hello, Malibu Stacy collectors! I'll see you at StacyCon ninety-four, at the San Diego Airport Hilton!

Announcer: And what does Stacy think of her thirty-five years of success and millions of friends worldwide?

Malibu Stacy: Don't ask me, I'm just a girl! (DUMB GIGGLE)

Announcer: (CHUCKLES) She sure is!

Claire Harper: Well, that's the tour. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer--

Lisa Simpson: I have one.

Claire Harper: Yes?

Lisa Simpson: Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake?

Claire Harper: Believe me, we're very mindful of such concerns.

Executive: (WOLF WHISTLE) Hey, Jiggles! Grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here!

Claire Harper: (COY) Oh, you, get away... (GIRLISH GIGGLES)

Executive: Ah, don't act like you don't like it.

Lisa Simpson: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.

Grampa Simpson: It's rotten being old. No one listens to ya.

Homer Simpson: (CHIPPER) I'm a white male, aged eighteen to forty-nine. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Lisa Simpson: Well, I'm not gonna accomplish anything just sitting here--

Grampa Simpson: --And gripin'. It's time for --

Lisa Simpson: Action! I've got to talk to that woman who invented Malibu Stacy and see if I can get her to --

Grampa Simpson: -- Come out of retirement! I'm gonna get me a job! A real Malibu! (GETTING CONFUSED) ...And see if Stacy can help invent me... young... Help!!

Lisa Simpson: You're getting a job.

Grampa Simpson: Yes! I'm goin' where the action is!

Grampa Simpson: Come in! Come in! Mayday! I'm losing your transmission!

Angry Customer: I said french fries!!

Grampa Simpson: (TO SOMEONE OFF SCREEN) What the...? Do we sell (PUZZLED) "french fries?"

Waylon Smithers: Yes? Why, it's Homer Simpson's daughter.

Lisa Simpson: I thought you might be able to help me get in touch with the inventor of Malibu Stacy.

Waylon Smithers: Whew! That would be quite a feat. Stacy Lovell's a total recluse -- she hasn't appeared in public in twenty years. Here, I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy Newsletter. It contains her last known whereabouts. I'll - uh -print you out a copy.

Lisa Simpson: Thanks.

C. Montgomery Burns: (COMPUTER VOICE) Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.

Waylon Smithers: Um, you probably should ignore that.

Lisa Simpson: No, it couldn't be...

Lisa Simpson: Excuse me. Miss Lovell? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.

Old Woman: (DIGNIFIED VOICE) Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down and--

Lisa Simpson: Am I the first?

Old Woman: (UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE) Yes.

Lisa Simpson: I want you to hear what Malibu Stacy is telling a generation of little girls.

Malibu Stacy: Thinking too much gives you wrinkles.

Young Man: All right! I've been waitin' nine years to get my Frisbee back!

Man: (GROANING) Ohhhhh...

Malibu Stacy: My name is Stacy, but you can call me (WOLF WHISTLE).

Stacy Lovell: I see exactly what you mean. This is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?

Lisa Simpson: Change what she says. It's your company.

Stacy Lovell: Not since I was forced out in nineteen seventy-four. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.

Lisa Simpson: That's awful!

Stacy Lovell: Well, that, and I was funneling profits to the Vietcong.

Lisa Simpson: But you are Malibu Stacy, and as long as she has your name, you have a responsibility. I'd be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it.

Stacy Lovell: I may have had things in common with Stacy in the beginning, but thirty years of living her lifestyle taught me some very harsh lessons. Five husbands...

Stacy Lovell: Ken, Johnny, Joe, Dr. Colossus, Steve Austin...

Lisa Simpson: But if you can learn from Malibu Stacy's mistakes, so can everyone. I'm sure we can think of something together. C'mon!

Stacy Lovell: Not now, I'm too drunk.

Lisa Simpson: No you're not! (TAKES A SECOND LOOK) Uh, I'll come back tomorrow.

Manager: (SQUEAKY TEENAGE VOICE) We need some more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.

Grampa Simpson: (FRISKY) Hey! Now that old man Peterson's off our backs, let's have some fun!

Grampa Simpson: Ever see a sandwich that could take a bite out of you? (LAUGHS) Look at this sandwich. It's gonna bite you.

Man: Ow!! Damn sandwich took a bite outta me!

Lisa Simpson: I've got the solution -- you and I are gonna make our own talking doll. She'll have the wisdom of Gertrude Stein and the wit of Cathy Guisewite, the tenacity of Nina Totenberg and the common sense of Elizabeth Cady Stanton. And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Eleanor Roosevelt!

Stacy Lovell: (THINKS, THEN SUDDENLY MANIC) All right, we'll make your doll!

GI JOE: Stacy, please, I must have you back. Just come for a ride with me in my mobile command unit.

Stacy Lovell: Joe, I told you. It's over. Release me from your kung fu grip.

GI JOE: Fine. I'll bomb your house into the ground, missy.

Lisa Simpson: Make sure you get my Mom's hair just right.

Stacy Lovell: Um, I think we'll use someone different for the hair.

Lisa Simpson: (POINTING TO HER HAIR) How about me?

Stacy Lovell: (HESITANT NOISE) Um, there's something not quite...

Bart Simpson: How about me?

Homer Simpson: How about me?

Stacy Lovell: You all have hideous hair! (COVERING)

Stacy Lovell: I mean from a design point of view.

Technician: Talking doll, take eight.

Lisa Simpson: (GRANDLY) "...When I get married, I'm keeping my own name." (THINKS, THEN TO SELF) You know, that should probably be if I choose to get married.

Technician: (INTO INTERCOM) Uh, look, little girl, we got other talking dollies to record today.

Krusty the Clown: Alright you poindexters, let's get this right. (READING FROM CARD, VERY QUICK) OneHeyheykidsI'mTalkingKrusty! TwoHeyheyherecomesSlideshowMel- again- herecomesSideshowMel, SideshowMel. Three: (KRUSTY LAUGH)! (BEAT) Baddabing, baddaboom, I'm done. (TO LISA) Learn from the professional, kid.

Technician: (INTO INTERCOM) Okay, Krusty, uh we are ready to roll and uh... What the --

Doll: (LISA'S VOICE) Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.

Lisa Simpson: All right! Now all we need is a name.

Bart Simpson: How about "Blabbermouth -- The Jerky Doll for Jerks?"

Lisa Simpson: (IGNORING BART) How about "Minerva," after the Roman goddess of wisdom?

Stacy Lovell: Hmm, not enough commercial appeal.

Bart Simpson: "Wendy Windbag"? "Ugly Doris"? "Hortense: The Mule-faced Doll"?

Stacy Lovell: I think we should name her after Lisa. We'll call her "Lisa Lionheart."

Bart Simpson: No! "Loudmouth Lisa!"

Bart Simpson: "Stupid Lisa Garbageface!" (BEAT) I can't stand this any longer! Somebody please pay attention to me!

Bart Simpson: Hello! Pay attention to me! Look at me! I'm Bart! I'm Bart! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! (ETC.)

Lisa Simpson: This is great! They're really gonna sell our doll.

Stacy Lovell: Well, it wasn't difficult. I just told them who I was, and who you were, and they couldn't resist.

Lisa Simpson: Really?

Stacy Lovell: Well, I didn't tell them who you were.

Grim C.E.O.: Gentlemen, we've got to sink this Lisa Lionheart doll and fast. It's time to call in a favor from Washington.

Senator: Yes... Yes... I understand... I'll take care of it personally.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, did you hear something?

Homer Simpson: I'unno.

Brockman's Daughter: Dad, my new doll's much better than Malibu Stacy. Do a newscast about her!

Kent Brockman: (CHUCKLE) Please, honey, Daddy's job is to bring people important news. Right now I'm very busy preparing a report about the fortieth anniversary of Beetle Bailey.

Brockman's Daughter: Oh, Daddy, that is boring! Talk about the dolly!

Kent Brockman: (THINKS) Well... You were right about the Berlin Wall.

Kent Brockman: Though it was unusual to spend twenty-eight minutes reporting on a doll, this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Goodnight.

Kent Brockman: Oh, and the President was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night... or you can turn to another channel.

Kent Brockman: Oh. (STIFFLY) Do not turn to another channel.

Grim C.E.O.: Our one effort to put a stop to this Lisa Lionheart thing has failed miserably. Gentlemen, we have to reinvent Malibu Stacy for the nineties.

Grim C.E.O.: We'll stay here all night if need be.

Executive #2: Can we order Chinese food?

Grim C.E.O.: Yes.

Jasper Beardly: I cut my tongue on these pancakes.

Old Lady Customer: These eggs are difficult to digest. I want soft-boiled eggs.

Grampa Simpson: I told you we don't have soft boiled eggs. If you -- (THINKING) ...By gum you're right, we should have 'em. I shouldn't be listening to complaints, I should be makin' 'em with you guys. The good Lord lets us grow old for a reason: to gain the wisdom to find fault with everything he's made!

Grampa Simpson: Mr. Peterson, you can take this job and... fill it. And one more thing. I never once washed my hands - that's your policy, not mine.

Old People: (ADLIBBING) "You tell 'em, Abe." (etc.)

Old People: Oh, my back. (GROANS)

Waylon Smithers: I wannit! I wannit! I wannit! I wannit! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! I wannit! I wannit! I wannit!

Girl #1: Look! It's Lisa Lionheart!

GIRL#2: Keep running! We're almost there!

Girl #1: They changed Malibu Stacy!

Girl #2: (GASP) She is better than ever!

Lisa Simpson: (WAVING DOLL) Wait! Don't be fooled! She's just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid cheap hat! She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before.

Waylon Smithers: (POINTING) But she's got a new hat.

Girls: (BEAT, THEN) I wannit! I wannit! etc.

Lisa Simpson: Well, I guess you can't beat big business. There's just no room for the little guy.

Doll: (LISA'S VOICE) Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.

Lisa Simpson: (TOUCHED) You know, if we get through to just that one little girl, it'll all be worth it.

Stacy Lovell: (LOW) Yes. Particularly if that little girl happens to pay $46,000 for that doll.

Lisa Simpson: What?

Stacy Lovell: Oh, nothing. Kudos to you, Lisa! Kudos!

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED GASP) Marge, Lisa, Lady -- If you'll excuse me, I've got something very important to attend to.