Bart Simpson: Dad, taking the family to opening night is the nicest thing you've ever done for us.

Homer Simpson: (KINDLY) Or will ever do.

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) I can't wait to see this re-imagining of Itchy and Scratchy... by avant-garde director Juliana Krellner!

Homer Simpson: (RE: PLAYBILL) Hey, it says here "the book" was written by Tom Stoppard. (HAUGHTY) This isn't a book, it's a play! (HUGE LAUGHS, WINDING DOWN) Book.

Wise Old Cat: All hail the king of the cats!

Marge Simpson: (GASP) They're coming down the aisles! (PANICKED) What if they want to interact with me!?

Marge Simpson: (LOUDLY) Looking through my purse, looking through my purse... keep walking, monkey!

Bart Simpson: Don't worry, Mom. They all passed by.

Wise Old Cat: FROM THE DAY YOU ARE BORN IN THE ALLEY/ TO THE DAY YOU ARE HIT BY A CAR

Wise Old Cat: THERE'S CREAM TO DRINK AND MICE TO EAT

Wise Old Cat: AND GREAT BIG BALLS OF YA-A-A-A-RN

Wise Old Cat: IT'S THE CIRCLE, THE CIRCLE OF --

Baby Itchy: (SINGS LOUD) KNIFE!

Lisa Simpson: I love the use of streamers as blood. It robs the violence of its power.

Bart Simpson: Woo hoo! I'm drenched in blood!

Scratchy: I DON'T KNOW WHY I TRUST HIM / I GUESS SOME CATS JUST NEVER LEARN

Itchy: I FEEL SO GOOD WHEN I HAVE CRUSHED HIM / OR LEFT HIM MANGLED, MAIMED, AND BURNED

Itchy: I SUPPOSE IT'S SYMBIOTIC / AND PERHAPS A BIT EROTIC

Scratchy: 'CAUSE PAIN IS MY NARCOTIC

Itchy: (SPOKEN) You really like it?

Scratchy: (SPOKEN) Yes, a lot-ic!

Scratchy: (SLOWLY) AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALWAYS...

Itchy: FIGHTING!

Scratchy: AND BITING!

Itchy: AND DYNAMITE IGNITING!

Homer Simpson: Hey, check it out, I'm Scratcher or something.

Knives: (SINGING) IT'S THE CIRCLE, CIRCLE OF KNIFE!

Knives: (SINGING) IT'S THE CIRCLE, CIRCLE OF KNIVES!

Hip Audience Members: Bravo! / Genius! / Brilliant!

Lenny Leonard: (ENTHUSIASTIC) Necessary!

Sideshow Mel: (CLAPPING) I insist on seeing the director!

Juliana Krellner: Thank you, thank you. It's such a thrill for me to be back in my hometown... Springfield!

Seymour Skinner: She also graduated from Springfield Elementary!

Juliana Krellner: (DELIGHTED) Principal Skinner!

Seymour Skinner: (CHUCKLES) You know, Juliana, it's no surprise you became such a success. You always got straight "A's" in school.

Juliana Krellner: (MODEST) Well, I remember getting a "B" or two in math.

Seymour Skinner: (CHUCKLING) Well, of course you did. You are a girl.

Seymour Skinner: No, all I meant was, from what I've seen, boys are better at math, science... the real subjects. There, that should put the matter behind us.

Juliana Krellner: Calm down, calm down. I'm sure Principal Skinner didn't mean girls are inherently inferior.

Seymour Skinner: No, of course not! I don't know why girls are worse.

Seymour Skinner: Uh, one thing we can all agree on though -- this little lady sure looks pretty tonight. Am I right?

Protesters: TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT / STOP THE MAN FROM TEACHING HATE! / EIGHT, SIX, FOUR, TWO / WE DO MATH AS GOOD AS YOU! ONE, TWO...

Gary Chalmers: Skinner! You've got to deal with these kooks!

Seymour Skinner: Don't worry, I have a plan: pretend I agree with them.

Gary Chalmers: Well you better hurry. Look what they've done to your car. (POINTS O.S.)

Seymour Skinner: No, that's how it always looks.

Gary Chalmers: Huh, how sad.

Seymour Skinner: Today we celebrate the first of many, many, many, many diversity forums.

Seymour Skinner: Why is it that women "appear" to be worse at math then men? What is the source of this "illusion?" Or, as I call it, "the biggest lie ever told."

Lindsay Naegle: You're a worse version of Hitler!

Seymour Skinner: Please believe me, I understand the problems of women... see?

Nelson Muntz: Haw haw! The principal's a tranny!

Seymour Skinner: (STILTED) Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes. They're all the same.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Are you saying that men and women are identical?

Seymour Skinner: Oh, no... of course not! Women are unique in every way!

Lindsay Naegle: Now he's saying women and men aren't equal!

Seymour Skinner: No, no, no. It's the differences -- of which there are none -- that make the sameness... exceptional. (PLEADING) Just tell me what to say! (HYPERVENTILATES)

Gary Chalmers: Oh dear. Attention, students. Due to nervous exhaustion and diarrhea of the mouth...

Gary Chalmers: Yes, yes, yes, I said diarrhea! Principal Skinner is going to be replaced by women's educational expert Melanie Upfoot. Children, meet your new principal.

Principal Upfoot: For too long, there's been an anti-woman bias in math. Boys are aggressive, obnoxious, and never let us be heard. From now on, I am splitting the school in two -- separating the boys and the girls forever!

Gary Chalmers: You heard your principal. Girls on the left, boys on the right.

Bart Simpson: This rocks! No more stupid girl classes -- like ballroom dancing!

Gary Chalmers: Oh no, that's still mandatory for everybody. (GESTURES) Willie?

Gary Chalmers: Now this is why I got into education.

Homer Simpson: They're gonna divide the school in two?

Lisa Simpson: Yeah, one for boys and one for girls.

Bart Simpson: It is gonna be awesome! Now I can walk down the hall with "Bart Junior" hangin' out. Isn't that right, Bart Junior?

Marge Simpson: All this hoo-haw about girls and math is silly. Women are as smart as men.

Marge Simpson: Why, a woman invented liquid paper.

Homer Simpson: Well, you know what a man invented? Actual paper.

Marge Simpson: Well, a woman also invented the windshield wiper.

Homer Simpson: Which goes great with another male invention -- the car.

Marge Simpson: Um... I-I think a woman came up with nylon stockings. I mean, probably. We certainly use them.

Homer Simpson: Let's see, men also have: rocket ships, suspension bridges, constitutional government, snow shoes, brass knuckles...

Homer Simpson: Pinball machines, the Renaissance...

Homer Simpson: (DISTRAUGHT) Oh, why did women invent sleeping on the couch?

Otto Mann: Girls' entrance. Have an empowering day, my pony-loving leaders of tomorrow.

Otto Mann: All right, I'm going to open this cage, but no biting.

Nelson Muntz: You're not the boss of my teeth!

Lisa Simpson: (GASPS) It's so beautiful. Ooh, paintings by female artists! Frida Kahlo, Georgia O'Keefe...

Lisa Simpson: (VERY EXCITED) Cathy Guisewite!

Principal Upfoot: Now that the boys -- and their atmosphere of intimidation -- are gone, we can finally breathe. Breathe, ladies.

Principal Upfoot: Now, let's buckle down and do some math!

Lisa Simpson: (CAN'T CONTAIN HER JOY) Yes.

Principal Upfoot: How do numbers make you feel? What does a plus sign smell like? Is the number seven odd, or just different?

Lisa Simpson: (RAISING HAND) Are we gonna do any actual math problems?

Principal Upfoot: "Problems." That's how men see math, something to be attacked, to be (SCORNFUL) "figured out."

Lisa Simpson: But... isn't it? I mean, confidence building can't replace real learning!

Principal Upfoot: Uh oh, Lisa. Sounds like you're trying to derail our "self-esteem engine." Let's sing it back on the tracks!

Girls: (SINGING) THE BEST THING I CAN EVER BE / IS TO BE OKAY WITH ME! / (RAISING FISTS) ME!

Lisa Simpson: (DEFIANT) Okay, boys' school -- I need a challenge!

Lisa Simpson: (TO WOLF) A mental challenge.

Mr. Pierce: Now boys, who can tell me the volume of this snowman? Anyone?

Martin Prince: Just add the volume of the spheres. (COCKY) We know the radii.

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) He forgot the volume of the carrot nose -- one-third base times height! Oh math, I have missed you!

Seymour Skinner: No girls allowed!

Lisa Simpson: Principal Skinner?

Seymour Skinner: It's Groundskeeper Skinner now.

Groundskeeper Willie: Assistant Groundskeeper, ya puke!

Lisa Simpson: Assistant Groundskeeper Skinner, don't you think it's wrong that I can't get the best math education because I'm a girl?

Assistant G.K. Skinner: (BEATEN DOWN) I don't have any opinions anymore. All I know is that no one is better than anyone else and everyone is the best at everything.

Groundskeeper Willie: Not you, you're the worst! Now get poisonin' those squirrels!

Assistant G.K. Skinner: (TERRIFIED NOISE) Please, be reasonable. I'm sure we can... (CHOKING NOISE)

Lisa Simpson: Mom, the girls' school is a joke and I'm not allowed to take the boys' math.

Marge Simpson: When I was in school, I loved math. Until...

Teenage Homer: Hey, Professor Von Hubba-hubba! Wanna hop in my dune bug and erode some beach?

Teenage Marge: Oh, I'd love to, but I've got my calculus final tomorrow.

Teenage Homer: Come on, baby. The only math you need is you plus me equals forever.

Teenage Marge: (FLATTERED) Oh, Homie.

Marge Simpson: Since then I haven't been able to do any of the calculus I've encountered in my daily life. But that's not going to happen to you.

Lisa Simpson: Well, what can I do? They won't let me in the boys' school.

Marge Simpson: (GETTING IDEA) Yes, unless...

Marge Simpson: There. You're the perfect little he-she.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, I don't think this will fool anybody.

Homer Simpson: (ENTERING, IMPRESSED) Hey, who's the rude dude with the attitude?

Marge Simpson: He's one of Bart's friends.

Homer Simpson: (TO LISA, THINKING SHE'S A BOY) You seem cool. Wanna catch a movie?

Marge Simpson: You never take our kids to the movies.

Homer Simpson: Let's not fight in front of my cool new friend.

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) What're you playing?

Bart Simpson: ("DUH") Punch for a punch.

Bart Simpson: So what's your name, newbie?

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) I'm... Jake.

Milhouse Van Houten: That's your Christian name. What's your surname?

Lisa Simpson: Uh... Boy... man... Boyman. Jake Boyman.

Bart Simpson: You have toilet paper on your shoe.

Lisa Simpson: (NERVOUS GIGGLE, BOY VOICE) Yeah, I guess I do. (PULLS OFF TOILET PAPER)

Bart Simpson: I'm gonna call you "Toilet."

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) My name isn't Toilet -- it's Jake!

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, a talking toilet! (LAUGHS)

Boys: Toilet! Toilet!

Mr. Pierce: Class, settle down. We have a new student today.

Mr. Pierce: (READS INFO FROM CARD) His name is Jake Boyman. He likes the Hardy Boys, Boy Scouts, boy bands, Chef Boyardee, and he is a boy.

Lisa Simpson: (TO NELSON, BOY VOICE) What are you drawing?

Nelson Muntz: A robot with guns for arms, shooting a plane made of out guns that fires guns. (SHOWS IT TO HER)

Mr. Pierce: Everyone, take out your math books. Come on.

Mr. Pierce: Now, how many different numbers can "Y" be?

Lisa Simpson: (CALLS OUT, BOY VOICE) That's easy -- just one, the number five.

Mr. Pierce: Wrong.

Martin Prince: There are two possible solutions -- five and negative five.

Lisa's Thoughts: (OVERJOYED) Oh my God, I was wrong! And by being corrected, I learned! And no one cared about my feelings!

Nelson Muntz: (TO LISA) Psst! I drew a picture of you, being shot by a gun.

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Toilet! (COCKY LAUGH) Just kidding, bro. They used to razz me when I was new here. It'll pass.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: (TAUNTING MILHOUSE) Hey, Mildew. Do you like tongue twisters?

Milhouse Van Houten: Boy, do I!

Kearney Zzyzwicz: I'm sorry. Do you want a jawbreaker?

Milhouse Van Houten: Boy, do I!

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) So... do you miss having the girls around?

Milhouse Van Houten: Nah. Girls never really "got" me.

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) Did you know Lisa Simpson? I heard she was pretty cool.

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa? Oh yeah, we totally had a thing, but I had to break it off.

Lisa Simpson: (REGULAR VOICE) What the hell are you talking about?!

Milhouse Van Houten: She got too clingy. Milhouse doesn't do clingy.

Lisa Simpson: (ABRUPT) I have to go.

Nelson Muntz: That was my eating food!

Boys: (CHANTING) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! (ETC.)

Lisa's Thoughts: Okay, I can talk my way out of this.

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) Nelson, you're not really angry at me. You're full of rage 'cause your father abandoned you.

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) And because you're poor, so you don't feel like you're good enough.

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) You just want somebody to say "I love you". (KINDLY) I love you.

Jimbo Jones: (MOCKING) I love you too, Nelson.

DOLPH: (MOCKING) I love you, Jimbo.

Jimbo Jones: Hey, every joke has a kernel of truth!

Lisa Simpson: Eep.

Bart Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Hey Lis, you missed it. While you were at (MOCKING) girls' school, Nelson totally whaled on this dork. (LAUGHS)

Bart Simpson: (REALIZING) Oh my God...

Lisa Simpson: (SADLY NODS) That's right. I'm Toilet.

Bart Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Toilet.

Bart Simpson: (ENTERING) So, did you tell Mom you got beat up?

Lisa Simpson: Not yet. If I do, she'll never let me go to the boys' math class again.

Bart Simpson: Hey, no one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy.

Lisa Simpson: (TOUCHED) You'd do that for me? That is so sweet.

Bart Simpson: You're a boy -- nothing is sweet.

Lisa Simpson: Ow, that hurt.

Bart Simpson: Sweet.

Bart Simpson: Now, when you eat like a boy, only two French fries in five should make it into your mouth.

Bart Simpson: (SLOGAN) "If they fall on the floor, you want 'em more." Because then they come with extra toppings.

Lisa Simpson: (INCREDIBLY GROSSED-OUT NOISE) I'm gonna be sick.

Bart Simpson: Awesome! Do it in that guy's bag while he's not looking.

Comic Book Guy: I am looking, and don't start a puke war that you cannot finish. Goodnight.

Homer Simpson: (SEDUCTIVE) So... do you wanna "wang chung" tonight?

Marge Simpson: I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior?

Homer Simpson: (NERVOUSLY) Well, uh... uh... Honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.

Homer Simpson: (SAD MOAN, THEN:) Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog.

Homer Simpson: At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) How did this happen?

Database: Now I've been every ball on the playground!

Bart Simpson: Now, for your final test. To fully become a man, you must pick a fight with someone weaker than you.

Lisa's Thoughts: A fight? That would mean rejecting the last part of me that's still a girl.

Greater Than Or Equal To Sign: Do it, Lisa! You'll be greater than or equal to boys!

Number 8: Even though you're only eight, your possibilities are infinite.

Number 27: Twenty-seven!

Lisa's Thoughts: Okay, I'll do it. But whom should I beat up?

Ralph Wiggum: These dots are itchy!

Lisa Simpson: (SIGHS) Fine, I'll beat up Ralph.

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) Uh, give me your lunch money.

Ralph Wiggum: (UPBEAT) Okay!

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) Uh... uh...

Bart Simpson: (SIGHS) I guess I'm gonna have to get this party started.

Bart Simpson: (TO SCHOOLYARD) Fight! Fight! Fight!

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) Forgive me for this.

Ralph Wiggum: (UPBEAT) Okay!

Jimbo Jones: You just beat up the most harmless kid in school.

DOLPH: Well done!

Kearney Zzyzwicz: Hey Toilet, wanna play guns?

Lisa Simpson: (CHEERING UP, BOY VOICE) Sure!

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED LASER NOISES) Peew! Peew!

Gary Chalmers: And the award for outstanding achievement in the field of mathematics, goes to... Jake Boyman!

Boys: (CHEERS) Toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Toilet!

Lisa Simpson: (BOY VOICE) Thank you. Or should I say (LISA VOICE) thank you!

Milhouse Van Houten: Toilet is Lisa?!

DOLPH: We've been Yentl'd!

Lisa Simpson: That's right, everyone. The best math student in the whole school is a girl!

Bart Simpson: Wait a minute -- do you know why you did good at math?

Principal Upfoot: Did well.

Gary Chalmers: Give it a rest, Melanie.

Principal Upfoot: Calling me by my first name is harassment.

Gary Chalmers: Well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

MELANIE UPFOOT: (TURNED ON) Oh, Superintendent.

Bart Simpson: The only reason Lisa won is because she learned to think like a boy! I turned her into a burping, farting, bullying, math machine!

Lisa Simpson: That's a lie!

Ralph Wiggum: Ow! I got hit by boy Lisa and girl Lisa.

Lisa Simpson: (TO HERSELF) What have I become?

Lisa Simpson: I always thought that boys had it easier. But now I see their world is more cruel and sadistic than I ever imagined.

Nelson Muntz: Chair fight!

Lisa Simpson: And I did get better at math, but it was only by abandoning everything I believed in. I guess the real reason we don't see many women in math and science is...

Dewey Largo: Would you hurry it up, please. You're cutting into the award for Best Flautist!

Lisa Simpson: Well, whatever the answer is, I'm glad I'm a girl and I'm glad I'm good at math. Now enjoy your stupid flautist.

Martin Prince: (SINGS) AND THE SANDCASTLE VIRTUES / ARE ALL SWEPT AWAY / IN THE TIDAL DESTRUCTION / THE MORAL MELEE