Seymour Skinner: And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free Science Week ever, our grand finale! The launching of a weather balloon.

Bart Simpson: Yay! Go weather balloon! Hurrah for science! Woo!

Seymour Skinner: (TO HIMSELF) Hurrah for science, woo? I can't say I approve of the woo, but the hurrah was quite heartening. (TO WILLIE) Release the balloon.

Nerds: Yayyyy!

Seymour Skinner: (LOUD WAIL) Nooooooo!

Bart Simpson: I don't think I really captured the eyes.

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding perfection. If you have a failing.

Seymour Skinner: (YELLING TO ALL) Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions!

Kids: Yayyy!

Seymour Skinner: Careful children, that's my car.

Seymour Skinner: Destroy that balloon.

Groundskeeper Willie: Aye.

Pilot: Tango Fourteen, we're being fired at. I'm gettin' an exact ID on the bogie now.

Pilot: Iraqis again. Launching Sidewinder missile.

Pilot: Missed him. Launching second Sidewinder missile.

Pilot: This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care.

Pilot #2: It's a good program. Just give it a chance, that's all I ask.

Seymour Skinner: It won't come down for months. Curse the man who invented helium. Curse Pierre Jules Cesar Janssen! (BEAT) Now to find out who did this.

Seymour Skinner: Bart? Empty your pockets.

Bart Simpson: Empty my pockets you say? Well, certainly, but I fail to see how...

Seymour Skinner: Hmmm... blueprints of the dummy, ... notarized photos of you making the dummy... and an alternate wording for the banner: "Buttzilla."

Bart Simpson: Race you to Utah, Milhouse.

Milhouse Van Houten: Okay.

Seymour Skinner: I am going to punish you for this, Bart. And it won't just be a simple caning this time.

Seymour Skinner: Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science. (WARMING TO IDEA) Yes. Starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy. Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment and so forth. Four-thirty in the morning.

Bart Simpson: There's a four-thirty in the morning now?

Radio Announcer: Top of the hour. Time for the morning news. But, of course, there is no news yet. Everyone's still asleep. In their comfy, comfy beds. (QUIETLY) Good night everybody.

Bart Simpson: Mom, will you make me breakfast?

Marge Simpson: (SLEEPY MURMUR) There's a stuffed pepper in the trash from last night. (FALLING ASLEEP) Just rinse it good...

Small Boy: Come home, Lassie! Here boy! C'mon girl! Atta boy!

Bart Simpson: Still dark. Better use the generator.

Seymour Skinner: Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention... Science has it all!

Bart Simpson: Is that the telescope we're gonna be looking through?

Seymour Skinner: Yes, but you won't be looking through it. (CHUCKLES) I forbid it. But you don't need a telescope to enjoy astronomy, Bart. (POINTING) There are all the constellations you've heard so much about.

Seymour Skinner: There's Orion... the Swan...the chariot race...

Bart Simpson: Why don't they look anything like their names?

Seymour Skinner: Well, you do have to use your imagination. Look, there's the Three Wise Men.

Bart Simpson: (TRACE OF DISGUST) Who names these things anyway?

Seymour Skinner: Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me.

Bart Simpson: And you've never found anything?

Seymour Skinner: (A LITTLE DARK) Once. But by the time I got to a phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek. (VERY DARK) I got back at him though. Him and that little boy of his. (NORMAL) Anyway... that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me. Now, this morning we're gonna be mapping a small square of sky that's thought to be empty. It's my hope that it's not.

Bart Simpson: So what am I supposed to do exactly?

Seymour Skinner: Just write down my findings as I give them to you. (READING) Six hours, nineteen minutes, right ascension, fourteen degrees, twenty-two minutes declination... (BEAT) No sighting.

Bart Simpson: Uh huh.

Seymour Skinner: (READING) Six hours, nineteen minutes, right ascension, fourteen degrees, twenty-three minutes declination... (BEAT) No sighting.

Bart Simpson: Uh huh.

Seymour Skinner: (GREAT ANTICIPATION) Six hours, nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees fifty-eight minutes declination... (BEAT) No sighting. Did you get that one, Bart?

Bart Simpson: Hell no.

Seymour Skinner: (NOT REALLY LISTENING) Good... My stars! Give me the phone! Quick!

Female Astronomer: Check out six-nineteen-fourteen-fifty-nine.

Seymour Skinner: (ON PHONE) No, no there's no need for that... it's already named after me.

Seymour Skinner: It's coming pretty close to the ground. Maybe I can catch it. Don't touch the telescope, Bart. Even a slight change in elevation can destroy a whole morning's work.

Bart Simpson: Woo! All hands on deck! Pirates off the port bow! (SUDDEN INTEREST) Hey!

Bart Simpson: Observatory? This is Bart Simpson. I see something in the sky at... (READING) four, twelve, eight, and the last number is seven.

Seymour Skinner: Ah got you, my rumpy doppelganger.

Seymour Skinner: (PROUDLY) I've got it! What are you doing? Give me that phone.

Female Astronomer: (ON PHONE) Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet.

Seymour Skinner: NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Seymour Skinner: (OFF BALLOON) NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Seymour Skinner: NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Homer Simpson: ...And then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.

Lisa Simpson: Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, except I forgot to go to work.

Marge Simpson: What did you do today, Bart?

Bart Simpson: What didn't I do.

Marge Simpson: (READING) "Boy Discovers Comet."

Lisa Simpson: What!?

Marge Simpson: (READING) "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as 'The Bart Simpson Comet.'" Oh honey, I'm so proud of you.

Bart Simpson: (PROMPTING HER) But then, you've always been proud of me.

Marge Simpson: (SLOWLY) Yes.

Ham: Won't you join us, Bart?

Bart Simpson: Uh... I guess so.

Database: As the first student at Springfield Elementary to discover a comet, we're very proud to make you a member of our very select group. Welcome to SuperFriends!

Bart Simpson: Huh?

Nerds: Welcome, SuperFriend!

Ham: I am called "Ham," since I enjoy ham radio. This is "E-Mail," "Cosine," "Report Card," "Database" and "Lisa". Your nickname will be "Cosmos."

Bart Simpson: Well I'm done eating. Goodbye.

Nerds: Goodbye Cosmos! / Bye-bye!

Database: Perhaps some night you could show us your comet.

Bart Simpson: There it is right there.

Database: I make it a point never to turn my head unless I expect to see something, Bart. Naturally we can't see your comet in broad daylight and without a telescope.

Bart Simpson: (LOSING PATIENCE) But you don't need a stupid telescope. It's right there.

E-Mail: Oh no no no no! This isn't right at all!

Database: It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed.

Bart Simpson: Huh?

Lisa Simpson: Don't you realize what's happening, Bart? Your comet is gonna collide with the earth and every living thing in its path will be killed.

Bart Simpson: I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet Lisa. You've always been petty and small. Right from the beginning.

Report Card: We must alert the proper authorities.

E-Mail: To the observatory!

SUPERFRIENDS: (SINGING) We are the SuperFriends...

Bart Simpson: Hey, shut up.

Male Astronomer: (QUIETLY) Dear God.

Female Astronomer: Warren, we've talked about you hogging the eyepiece.

Grampa Simpson: Sounds like the Doomsday Whistle. Ain't been blown for nigh on to three years.

Jasper Beardly: (NODS HEAD AND CLUCKS TONGUE) Trouble a brewin'.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis, I caught the very next plane to Springfeld - field.

Mayor Joe Quimby: First of all, yes, there is a comet in the sky, and yes, it is going to hit Springfield.

Mayor Joe Quimby: You uh, don't need to applaud that. Now, here's what we think the impact might look like. Show them, Jerry.

Moe Szyslak: Oh dear God, no!

Mayor Joe Quimby: Fortunately we have a plan. Professor Frink?

Professor Jonathan Frink: Good evening, ladies and...

Panicked Man: Quit stalling! What's the plan?!

Professor Jonathan Frink: Alright, just take your seat, just take your seat.

Professor Jonathan Frink: Now, working with former Carter Administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement for various reasons, which we won't go into here (FRINK NOISE), we have planned this defense for the city.

Professor Jonathan Frink: As the comet hurtles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens.

Moe Szyslak: Oh, dear God, no!

Mayor Joe Quimby: ...and that will be the end of Mr. Comet.

Townspeople: Yay! / We're saved! / Etc.

Homer Simpson: Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet? It's going to be destroyed. Didn't you hear what the guy in the building said?

Lisa Simpson: But, Dad, don't you think...

Homer Simpson: (INTERRUPTING) Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rain forest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem, and they fixed it. Didn't they?

Lisa Simpson: No, Dad, I don't think...

Homer Simpson: (INTERRUPTING, RAISING FINGER) There's that word again.

Marge Simpson: Homer, what if this doesn't work?

Homer Simpson: Well then, I have a back-up plan. See, while the unprepared are still sitting around twiddling their thumbs and going (MAKES DOPEY "OTHER" PEOPLE SOUNDS) doo-doo-doo-dee-doo-do-doo... (ETC.)

Bart Simpson: Dad, the plan!

Homer Simpson: I'm getting to that. So anyway, they're going, doo-dee-doo-do-doo... (ETC.)

Bart Simpson: Dad!

Homer Simpson: So anyway we get in our car and take the bridge out of town, while all the while they're still going, doo-dee-doo-do-doo... (ETC.)

Lisa Simpson: Daaad, they're firing the rocket!

Homer Simpson: All right!

Townspeople: (CHEERING) YAYYYY! (ETC.)

Townspeople: (À LA CHARLES NELSON REILLEY) Gllllll.

Lisa Simpson: It blew up the bridge!

Bart Simpson: We're doomed!

Homer Simpson: It's at times like this I wish I were a religious man.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer! (SCREAMS)

Kent Brockman: And, like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high and lost control of its servo-guidance mechanism, leaving us with some... (LOOKS AT WATCH) six hours to live. So! Let's go live now to the charred remains of the only bridge out of town, with Arnie Pye and "Arnie In The Sky."

Arnie Pye: With the bridge gone, and the airport unfortunately on the other side of the bridge, a number of citizens are attempting to jump the gorge with their cars. (MORE)

Arnie Pye: It's a silent testament to the "never give up" and "never think things out" spirit of our citizens.

Kent Brockman: With our utter annihilation imminent, our Federal Government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress ...

Congressman #1: Then it is unanimous. We are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of...

Congressman #2: (INTERRUPTING) Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.

Congressman #1: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-Pervert bill?

Congress: Boo!

Congressman #1: Bill defeated.

Kent Brockman: I've said it before and I'll say it again. Democracy simply doesn't work. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that, for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay.

Marge Simpson: Turn it off.

Homer Simpson: Just a second.

Homer Simpson: What's everyone so worked up about? So there's a comet. Big deal. It'll burn up in our atmosphere, and whatsever left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's head.

Bart Simpson: Wow, Dad. Maybe you're right.

Homer Simpson: Of course I'm right. If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow.

Homer Simpson: Okay, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter.

Lisa Simpson: We have a bomb shelter?

Homer Simpson: (PROUDLY) Homer Simpson takes care of his family.

Homer Simpson: (CALLING) Flanders! Open up!

Ned Flanders: Hi-de-ho-e-roonie, neighbor. What can I do you for?

Homer Simpson: Get out of there. My family needs to use your bomb shelter.

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Ned Flanders: (CHUCKLES) I kinda figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families.

Homer Simpson: No deal. Out.

Marge Simpson: Get in the shelter, Homer.

Marge Simpson: One more hour.

Homer Simpson: An hour! I can't wait another hour. What's keeping that stupid comet?

Homer Simpson: THERE it is.

Ned Flanders: Well, Howdilly doodilly neighbors. Shouldn't you be in your sheltereenees by now?

Moe Szyslak: (OMINOUSLY) We haven't got sheltereenees. We want in yours.

Ned Flanders: (APOLOGETIC) Well sorry, the shelter's kinda full.

Moe Szyslak: Really? (THEN, OBLIGINGLY) Oh. Well, we'll just go off someplace and die then. Thanks.

Ned Flanders: Wait!

Ned Flanders: I may regret this when our air runs out and we can't whistle or stay alive, but oh, what the hey...

Krusty the Clown: All right!

Homer Simpson: I can't get the... (STRUGGLING SOUNDS) I can't get the door closed. Somebody's going to have to get out.

Lisa Simpson: (MUFFLED) I'd get out, but I don't know where I am.

Barney Gumble: Hey, somebody's touching me.

Seymour Skinner: I am.

Barney Gumble: Oh, okay.

Krusty the Clown: Okay, okay, let's figure out who should stay. (BEGINS TO MAKE A LIST) Let's see... the world of the future will need laughter, so I'm in.

Moe Szyslak: And it will need somebody to dispense drinks, i.e. me. Um, and someone will have to run the power. Uh, you can do that, Homer.

Homer Simpson: (LYING) Uh, yeah. I can do that.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Okay, let's start again. We'll need laughter, religious enlightenment, gossip -- that's Mrs. Lovejoy...

Homer Simpson: Wait a minute. We all know the one thing we won't need in the future: left handed stores. That's you, Flanders.

Homer Simpson: (HUSHED VOICE TO KIDS) I'm terribly sorry. (NORMAL VOICE) Flanders is the only useless person here. If anyone dies, it should be him. (HUSHED) I'm sorry. Please forgive me. (NORMAL VOICE) So let's kick Flanders out. (HUSHED) Sorry.

Ned Flanders: (STOIC) Well sir, sounds fair. Toodle-oo, everybody. I'll, I'll scream when the comet gets here.

Maude Flanders: Oh, I'm coming with you, Neddy.

Ned Flanders: No, sweetheart, you stay here because--

Maude Flanders: (INTERRUPTING) Okay.

Ned Flanders: I might go mad with fear out there, so Todd, I want you to shoot Daddy if he tries to get back in.

Todd Flanders: (SAD) Okay, Dad.

Ned Flanders: Okay.

Ned Flanders: (SINGING) QUE SERA, SERA / WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE / THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE...

Moe Szyslak: Hey, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Uh, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and uh, you all try to guess what it is. (CLEARS THROAT)

Chief Wiggum: It's a pig!

Bart Simpson: It's a cow, man.

Lisa Simpson: It's a pony.

Krusty the Clown: No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats.

Selma Bouvier: There are no lady goats. A lady goat is a sheep.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: I believe she's right.

Otto Mann: You're crazy.

Captain Horatio McCallister: Arrr, what's it to ya?

Otto Mann: What's it to me?

Marge Simpson: Stop it, stop it. Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart?!

Ned Flanders: (FROM A DISTANCE) QUE SERA, SERA / WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE...

Marge Simpson: Say Moe, was it a duck?

Homer Simpson: No, no! Shut up! Shut up! Stop it, stop it! I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you. Especially his children. I'm goin' out there.

Homer Simpson: (QUICKLY) And it was a baby ox.

Moe Szyslak: He's right, ya know.

Seymour Skinner: About the ox?

Moe Szyslak: About everything, dammit! Hey, Homer, wait up! I wanna die too!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: If you are going, I'm going.

Barney Gumble: Me too.

Ned Flanders: (SINGING) WHEN I WAS JUST A LITTLE GIRL / I ASKED MY MOTHER WHAT WILL I BE / WILL I BE PRETTY, WILL I BE RICH? / HERE'S WHAT SHE SAID TO ME...

Townspeople: (SINGING) QUE SERA, SERA / WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE / THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE, QUE SERA, SER--

Mayor Joe Quimby: RUN!

Marge Simpson: Look!

Lisa Simpson: It's breaking up!

Bart Simpson: Cool!

Lisa Simpson: We're saved!

Townspeople: Yay!

Patty Bouvier: Sure makes you appreciate the preciousness of life.

Moe Szyslak: Let's go burn down the observatory so this'll never happen again.

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe that extra thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against is what burned up the comet.

Bart Simpson: What's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.

Lisa Simpson: (STUNNED) Yeah, dad was right.

Homer Simpson: I know kids, I'm scared too.