Bart Simpson: Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy! Fresh from God's brain to your mouth! (SNEAKY CHUCKLE)

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: And now please rise for our opening hymn... (CONSULTING HANDOUT) Uh, "In the Garden of Eden" by "I. Ron Butterfly?"

Congregation: (SINGING) IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, HONEY / DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU? / IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, BABY / DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE TRUE...?

Homer Simpson: (ASIDE) Hey, Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?

Congregation: (SINGING) OH, WON'T YOU COME WITH ME AND TAKE MY HAND? / OH, WON'T YOU COME WITH ME AND WALK THIS LAND?

Seymour Skinner: (BASSO PROFUNDO) PLEASE TAKE MY HA-A-A-ND!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (TO HIMSELF) Wait a minute -- This sounds like rock and/or roll.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...

Ralph Wiggum: (SCARED)... where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Kids: (SIMULTANEOUS WITH RALPH)... where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Bart Simpson: (NONCHALANT) ...where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

Kids: (SIMULTANEOUS WITH BART)... where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

Milhouse Van Houten: (NERVOUS) ...where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

Kids: (SIMULTANEOUS WITH MILHOUSE)... where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

Milhouse Van Houten: (CRACKING) Bart did it! That Bart right there!

Bart Simpson: (BETRAYED) Milhouse!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. (TO MILHOUSE) You too, Snitchy.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: I want you to clean every one of these organ pipes that you have befouled with your "popular music."

Bart Simpson: You shank. How could you tell on me?

Milhouse Van Houten: Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.

Bart Simpson: Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Milhouse Van Houten: But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (SING-SONG) I don't hear scrubbing.

Bart Simpson: Well, if your soul's real, where is it?

Milhouse Van Houten: (RUBBING CHEST) It's kinda in here. (THEN BUILDING CONFIDENCE) And when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away.

Bart Simpson: Uh huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?

Milhouse Van Houten: (SMUG) Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.

Bart Simpson: (DISDAINFUL) How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen. You don't have a soul, I don't have a soul, there's no such thing as a soul.

Milhouse Van Houten: Fine. (CAGEY) If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me.

Bart Simpson: (BEAT) How much you got?

Milhouse Van Houten: Five bucks.

Bart Simpson: Deal.

Bart Simpson: There you go: one soul.

Milhouse Van Houten: Pleasure doing business with you.

Bart Simpson: Any time, chummmmm...p.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight?

Pre-Teen Hibbert Kid: The Spaghetti Laboratory!

Little Hibbert Girl: FaceStuffers!

Teenage Hibbert Boy: Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (CHUCKLES) Well, what about this place? (READING SIGN) "Moe's."

Barney Gumble: (FLAILING) Agh! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (LOOKING AROUND) Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant.

Moe Szyslak: (LYING) Oh, it is. It is. Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table.

Little Hibbert Girl: Daddy, this place smells like tinkle.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Mmm-hmm, I think we'll just go to The Texas Cheesecake Depository.

Moe Szyslak: Everybody is goin' to family restaurants these days. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.

Carl Carlson: Ya ain't thinking of gettin' rid of the dank, are ya, Moe?

Moe Szyslak: Uh, maybe I am.

Carl Carlson: Aw, but Moe, the dank. The dank!

Moe Szyslak: (LOST IN THOUGHT) Yeah. Family restaurants. That's where the big bucks are. I could turn this joint into a place where you wouldn't be ashamed to bring your family, huh?

Homer Simpson: I'm not ashamed.

Moe Szyslak: Hey, put a coaster under that.

Bart Simpson: (SNEAKY) Oh, Li-sa. There's a little present for you lying in the driveway.

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) Oh boy! Really?

Lisa Simpson: Nooooo! It's dripping funny-smelling water all over me!

Bart Simpson: (GROANS) I wasted five bucks on these.

Lisa Simpson: Where'd you get five bucks? I want five bucks.

Bart Simpson: (PROUDLY) I sold my soul to Milhouse.

Lisa Simpson: What? How could you do that? Your soul is the most valuable part of you!

Bart Simpson: You believe in that junk?

Lisa Simpson: Well, whether or not the soul is physically real, Bart, it's the symbol of everything fine inside us.

Bart Simpson: (TSK SOUNDS) Poor gullible Lisa. I'll keep my crappy sponges, thanks.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, your soul is the only part of you that lasts forever. For five dollars, Milhouse could own you for a zillion years.

Bart Simpson: Well, if you think he got such a good deal, I'll sell you my conscience for four-fifty.

Bart Simpson: I'll throw in my sense of decency, too. It's a Bart sales event! Everything about me must go!

Bart Simpson: Hey, boy. How ya doin'?

Bart Simpson: Man, what's gotten into you?

Bart Simpson: Geez. You're pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day.

Bart Simpson: (SMUSHED FACE) Stupid automatic door.

Todd Flanders: Thank you, door.

DOLPH: Ha! Some ice cream guy's gonna see that and it'll blow his mind.

Bart Simpson: Let me try.

Jimbo Jones: Way to breathe, No-Breath.

Bart Simpson: (SMUSHED FACE) This is getting weird.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (INTO MICROPHONE) Sanjay, to the entrance with the Windex. (MICROPHONE SOUND) Sanjay, to the entrance with the Windex.

Moe Szyslak: So come on. I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking.

Homer Simpson: How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok?

Barney-Shaped Form: I like it!

Moe Szyslak: Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time.

Homer Simpson: I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker!

Barney-Shaped Form: I like it!

Moe Szyslak: (SNAPS FINGERS, INSPIRED) Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag?

Barney-Shaped Form: I hate it.

Moe Szyslak: Oh boy. The deep fryer's here.

Moe Szyslak: I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds.

Homer Simpson: Forty seconds? (WHINING) But I want it now.

Bart Simpson: (TAPPING HEAD) I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.

Lisa Simpson: Hmmm... Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul.

Bart Simpson: (DEFENSIVE) I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Lisa Simpson: I think we should do a test.

Lisa Simpson: (STIFLED LAUGH) Well?

Bart Simpson: (FORCES A WEAK LAUGH; THEN, WORRIED) Nope. I don't feel a thing.

Lisa Simpson: That's creepy, Bart. I think you really did lose your soul.

Bart Simpson: Nothing.

Homer Simpson: (WEAKLY) Ow! Help me. Why isn't anybody, ow, helping me?

Homer Simpson: Hi, is Milhouse home?

Luann Van Houten: (GESTURES AROUND BACK) He's playing in the dirt with his army men... oh, and a white piece of paper, I believe.

Milhouse Van Houten: (GRUFF VOICE) Cover me, Sarge! I'm going after Bart's soul. (MAKES SHOOTING NOISES, THEN IN ACCENT) If the Ayatollah can't have it, no one can!

Milhouse Van Houten: (JUMPY) Ah, you know, Milhouse --

Milhouse Van Houten: (FRANK NELSON SMUG) Yeesss?

Bart Simpson: Bet you're getting tired of that soul, huh?

Milhouse Van Houten: (FRANK NELSON SMUG) Nooooo.

Bart Simpson: Suppose someone wanted to buy it from you?

Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, you want to buy it back, Bart? Sure. No problem...

Milhouse Van Houten: (COLD, JERKING PAPER AWAY) ...Fifty bucks.

Bart Simpson: What?!

Milhouse Van Houten: Who's stupid now? Huh? (STUPID MILHOUSE LAUGH)

Moe Szyslak: If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lotta crazy crap on the walls, then come on down to "Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag."

Announcer: (MASON ADAMS VOICE) At Moe's, we serve good old-fashioned home cooking... deep fried to perfection.

Moe Szyslak: Now that's "Moe" like it. (WINKS AT CAMERA) So bring the whole family - mom, dad, kids. Uh, no old people. They're not covered by our insurance. It's fun! And remember our guarantee: If I'm not smiling when your check comes, your meal's on me, Uncle Moe.

Jinglers: (SINGING) COME TO UNCLE MOE'S FOR FAMILY FUN / IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

Homer Simpson: Mmm. Sounds good.

Marge Simpson: Hmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug.

Bart Simpson: (STARTING TO CONFESS) Mom, I need to tell you something. I kinda--

Marge Simpson: (CUTS HIM OFF) Uh, uh, uh, let me guess. A mother can always tell. (HUGS HIM AGAIN) Hmm, it's not fear of nuclear war. (BEAT) Hmm, it's not swim test anxiety. (BEAT) It almost feels like you're missing something. Something important.

Bart Simpson: (BRIGHTENING) Like I don't have a soul?

Marge Simpson: (LAUGHS) Aw, honey, you're not a monster.

SHERRI/TERRI/THEIR SOULS: (SING-SONG) BART SOLD HIS SOUL AND THAT'S JUST SWELL / NOW HE'S GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL-O OPERATOR, GIVE ME NUMBER NINE / AND IF YOU DISCONNECT ME, I'LL...

Nelson Muntz: No soul, huh? Don't worry. I'm still behind you.

NELSON/HIS SOUL: Haw-haw!

Martin Prince: Ahoy there, friends! Everybody find a first mate!

MARTIN'S SOUL: (CLAPPING WITH PRISSY EXCITEMENT) Oh, I choose Martin!

Bart Simpson: Wait! Wait for me!

SHERRI/TERRI/THEIR SOULS: (SING-SONG) BART, IT'S TIME TO END THIS DREAM / AND DON'T FORGET THE STANDARD SCREAM.

Marge Simpson: An alligator with sunglasses? Now I've seen everything!

Moe Szyslak: Hiya, folks! Welcome to Uncle Moe's! (CHUCKING KIDS UNDER THE CHIN) Aw, look at all the cute little minors.

Homer Simpson: (TO MARGE) Wow, that's Moe! The guy from the ad!

Moe Szyslak: Right this way, Homer.

Homer Simpson: (PROUDLY) And he knows my name.

Marge Simpson: (LOOKING AROUND) Street signs? Indoors?! ("WHEN IN ROME") Whatever.

Ned Flanders: Rod, you order anything you want for your big ten-oh.

Rod Flanders: (CONSULTING MENU, HAPPY) Million Dollar Birthday Fries!

Unctuous Waiter: (CUTESY) Uh-oh!

Maude Flanders: (READING MENU) "Moe gets so excited when you order his Million Dollar Birthday Fries he just has to celebrate."

Moe Szyslak: (MANIC) Here ya go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank ya Ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am! While you eat!

Moe Szyslak: (FORCED SMILE) Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.

Lisa Simpson: How're the Southwestern Pizza Fingers?

Moe Szyslak: They're (CHECKING MENU) awesomely outrageous!

Marge Simpson: Oooh. These look good. Guilt-Free Steakfish Filets.

Moe Szyslak: Nah, nah, nah. Let me level with you, Marge. That's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel. You don't want that.

Moe Szyslak: Why don't you try Moe's Hobo Chicken Chili? I start with the best part -- the neck. (ENTICING) And then I add secret hobo spices.

Marge Simpson: Ooo, tres bien.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah.

Moe Szyslak: (ANGRILY) Hey, what the hell are ya doin', ya little freak --!

Moe Szyslak: I'm sorry, kid. Sorry. I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist's drill. (DRYING HIS FACE OFF) But no, no, that was funny, that was funny, takin' away my dignity like that. Ha ha ha.

Lisa Simpson: I would like to say grace. (EYES BART) Lord, have mercy on my soul, and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul, and let every soul in Christendom... (GRUNT)

Marge Simpson: Bart!

Bart Simpson: I can't take this anymore. I want my soul and I want it now!

Homer Simpson: Bart, you didn't finish your Spaghetti and Moe-Balls!

Homer's Brain: Silence you fool! It can be ours.

Homer Simpson: (SHOOING BART) Run, boy! (CHEWS) Run!

Homer Simpson: (MOUTH FULL) Run for your life!... (CHEWING SOUNDS) ... Boy!

Bart Simpson: Milhouse! Milhouse! You win! I want this nightmare to end!

Figure: (DEEP FILTERED BREATHING, THEN OMINOUS) Leave this place. You are in great danger.

Bart Simpson: (SCARED) Where's Milhouse?

Figure: The one you call Milhouse is gone. (REMOVES HELMET) (WISEGUY VOICE) He went to his Gramma's place while we're spraying for potato bugs.

Bart Simpson: (FRUSTRATED MOAN) When Milhouse left, did you notice if he was carrying a piece of paper?

Figure: Oh, yeah. You don't forget a thing like that.

Moe Szyslak: Aw, God.

Moe Szyslak: Here ya go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank ya Ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am! While you eat!

Sherri Mackleberry: Yay! Now do it for Terri.

Moe Szyslak: What, it's your birthday, too?

SHERRI/TERRI: We're twins.

Moe Szyslak: (SIGHS, THEN LACKLUSTER) Here ya go. Here I am. Eat your fries. Eat 'em.

Little Boy: Here's you.

Moe Szyslak: Ah geez, and ya got the stink lines and everything.

Snake Jailbird: Uh, dude, you did not smile. We eat for free. Come on Shoshanna, let's roll. (CHUCKLES)

Moe Szyslak: (PLEADING) But I made you the potato stuffings! C'mon! I made you the potato stuffings.

Krusty the Clown: (RE: MOE) Look at the vein on that guy's forehead. He's gonna blow.

Selma Bouvier: (ALLURING GRUNTS) Ser-vice!

VERY CUTE LITTLE GIRL: Unky Moe?

Moe Szyslak: (TRYING NOT TO LOSE IT) What is it, sweetheart?

VERY CUTE LITTLE GIRL: My sodie is too cold -- my teef hurt.

Moe Szyslak: Aw, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? (SNAPPING) Well, that's too freakin' bad! You hear me? I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie, too!"

Todd Flanders: Ow! My "freakin'" ears!

Maude Flanders: Oh, let's go, dear.

Ned Flanders: Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here.

Moe Szyslak: Aw, come on folks! Wait! Please, come back! Please! I got a new offer! Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak... fish.

Bart Simpson: (FRANTIC) Okay, okay. Milhouse's Grandmother lives on 257th Street, and I'm on Third. (MOANS)

Bart Simpson: Well, finally, a little luck.

Chief Wiggum: Son, you wait here while daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict.

Chief Wiggum: Now slow down. Slow down.

Chief Wiggum: (LISTENS) Who's been stealing your thoughts? (LISTENS)

Raving Derelict: (RAPID FIRE GIBBERISH) ... Curiosity shop... I have powers beyond your imagination...

Bart Simpson: (EERILY COMPOSED) Hello, Ralph.

Ralph Wiggum: (JUMPS) Hi Bart. I know you from school.

Bart Simpson: (COMPLETE DISDAIN) Yes. A simple proposition, Ralph: How would you like to make a dollar?

Ralph Wiggum: (INNOCENTLY) Uh, I don't know.

Bart Simpson: All you have to do is sign a paper that says I can have your soul. (INTENSELY) I need a soul, Ralph. Any soul. Yours.

Chief Wiggum: Hey. What's goin' on over there?!

Moe Szyslak: G'on, take it all. Get it all out of here.

Barney Gumble: You know, Moe, you might want to keep the fire extinguishers.

Moe Szyslak: Nah. Too many bad memories.

Barney Gumble: Well, look at the bright side, Moe. You still got us.

Moe Szyslak: (CHEERING UP) Yeah. Yeah, you know, that actually makes me feel a little better.

Homer Simpson: Why? That was the problem in the first place. You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place? That you were going broke... Moe?

Homer Simpson: Moe? Hey, Moe? Oh, you're thinking about all the money you blew, aren'tcha?

Homer Simpson: What was it? 50-60 thousand dollars? ... Moe? Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning... Moe?

Moe Szyslak: What?

Homer Simpson: Let me get a pad....

Nana Van Houten: (MILHOUSEY VOICE) A caller at this hour? (TO MR. VAN HOUTEN) You dial 9-1, then when I say so, dial 1 again.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, please.

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, I can't play now. It's two A.M.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, I gotta have my soul back. I'll do anything you want.

Milhouse Van Houten: Uh... well...

Kirk Van Houten: (FROM SOFA-BED) Milhouse, give him back his soul! I've got work tomorrow.

Milhouse Van Houten: I'm really sorry. I kinda traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look, I got some cool POGS.

Milhouse Van Houten: Alf POGS. Remember Alf? He's back in POG form.

Bart Simpson: (FURIOUS) You traded my soul for POGS?! (DESPAIRING) Noooo!!

Nana Van Houten: Oh, close that door. You're letting the heat out.

Kirk Van Houten: (EXASPERATED) Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Comic Book Guy: If you are waiting for the "Hi & Lois" signing, it has been moved to the Springfield Coliseum.

Bart Simpson: Please. You have something of mine on a little piece of paper.

Comic Book Guy: Oh, so you're Bart Simpson, eh?

Comic Book Guy: Well, since my breakfast burrito is congealing rapidly, I will be blunt. You're too late. I sold your soul last night. (VOICE GETS EERIE) Yes, yes, I found a buyer right away for that item.

Bart Simpson: Who?

Comic Book Guy: I'm not at liberty to divulge the party, but they were most interested in having possession of a little boy's soul.

Comic Book Guy: Excuse me. No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare "Mary Worth" in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide. Thank you.

Bart Simpson: Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never paid too much attention in church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul and I don't know what they're doing to it. I just want it back. Please. (STARTS TO CRY) I hope you can hear this...

Bart Simpson: Lisa! You bought this?

Lisa Simpson: With the change in my piggy bank.

Bart Simpson: There's no change in your piggy bank.

Lisa Simpson: Not in any of the ones you know about.

Bart Simpson: Oh Lis, thank you.

Lisa Simpson: Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul -- that you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night.

Bart Simpson: (NOT LISTENING) Uh huh.

Martin Prince: Ah, it's like punting on the Thames.