Lisa Simpson: When Krusty wants to he can still blow 'em away.

Bart Simpson: (INTELLIGENTLY) Yes. He can take a simple, everyday thing like eating a bicycle and make it funny.

Krusty the Clown: See you tomorrow, kids. (KRUSTY LAUGH) But before I go I'd just like to say...

Krusty the Clown: Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette, UNLESS it's a cigarette lit with a $100 bill.

Krusty the Clown: (VERY FAST) Put five thousand bucks on the Lakers... Hire Kenny G to play for me in the elevator... My house is dirty, buy me a clean one...

Accountant: Krusty, as your accountant, I must warn you you're spending too much mon--

Krusty the Clown: Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave?

Accountant: Yes, but she's still...

Krusty the Clown: I don't want to hear the end of any sentences...

Secretary: (THROUGH INTERCOM) George Carlin on three.

Krusty the Clown: Yeah? (LISTENS) Lawsuit? Oh, come on! My "Seven words you can't say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "Seven words you can't say on TV" bit. (LISTENS) So I'm a thief, am I? Well exCUSE MEEEEEEEEE!

Krusty the Clown: (TO ACCOUNTANT) Give him ten grand.

Secretary: (THROUGH INTERCOM) Steve Martin on four.

Krusty the Clown: Ten grand.

Fat Tony: Krusty, in regards to the large wager you made on yesterday's horse race...

Krusty the Clown: Oh, come on. How about letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight?

Fat Tony: Who do you like?

Krusty the Clown: The tenor.

Fat Tony: (THINKS FOR A MOMENT) Okay. But we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us so consistently... up.

Accountant: You've got to stop blowing your money like this, Krusty.

Krusty the Clown: No can do.

Accountant: And those ridiculous bets you make! Gambling is the finest thing a person can do, if he's good at it. But you haven't won anything in months.

Krusty the Clown: (SHRUGS) So I'll just make some more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise.

Accountant: But you've already merchandized everything: Krusty's Monopoly Game,... the Krusty Krowd Kontrol Barrier. Nothing is selling anymore. Not even your new "Lady Krusty" line.

Krusty the Clown: But our info-mercials are running twenty-four hours a day.

Johnny Unitas: (KNOWINGLY) So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty Moustache Removal System now, Angelique?

Angelique: It's Krusterific, Johnny Unitas, but is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this?

Johnny Unitas: (SHRUGS) Probably.

Accountant: At this rate you'll be broke in a month. The only thing left to do is to open a clown college and train some "regional" Krustys.

Krusty the Clown: You mean like that bozo, Bonko the Clown?

Accountant: Exactly.

Krusty the Clown: Forget it. I'll just cut back on the condor egg omelettes. (LICKING HIS LIPS) Mmmm, a couple of those would be tasty right now.

Accountant: I'll found the college tomorrow.

Homer Simpson: (GASP) It must be the first of the month! New billboard day!

Transport Driver: (CHUCKLES) Finders keepers.

Homer Simpson: (READING) "This year give her English Muffins." (SALUTES) Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard.

Homer Simpson: (READING) "Best in the West." (CHUCKLES) It rhymes.

Homer Simpson: (SNORTS DISAPPROVINGLY) Clown college? You can't eat that.

Homer Simpson: (SATISFIED) Well, I got everything I was supposed to get. I'm not going to enroll in that clown college though. That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, Homer. The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Clowns are funny.

Lisa Simpson: Mom?

Marge Simpson: I think I'll have some wine.

Homer Simpson: (SLOWLY) Marge.

Marge Simpson: Yes, Homie? (MAKES SMALL CALLIOPE NOISE)

Homer Simpson: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. (PROCLAMATION) I'm going to clown college!

Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Homer Simpson: Hurry up -- it's my first day of clown college.

Marge Simpson: Hold still, Homer. Don't squirm.

Homer Simpson: I am holding still. I am squirming.

Bart Simpson: Dad, you can't just go around pretending to be Krusty. It's sacrilege. He's a one and only. I mean, he invented the pie fight, the prat fall, and the seltzer bottle... as far as I know.

Lisa Simpson: Yeah dad, it was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley. But Krusty!

Homer Simpson: You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi.

Bart Simpson: What's a Chachi?

Krusty the Clown: All right. Now, there can only be one Krusty in each territory, so I hope this works out. Tell me where you're from.

Georgian: Georgia.

Texan: Texas.

2nd Texan: (TEXAS ACCENT) Uh... Brooklyn.

Russian: Russia.

New Englander: New Hampshire.

Homer Simpson: Homer.

Krusty the Clown: Okay, we'll start off with the baggy p...wha?

Krusty the Clown: Those are supposed to be baggy pants. Baggy!

Homer Simpson: Ooh, I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

Krusty the Clown: Okay, memorize these funny place names. Walla Walla, Keokuk, Cucamonga, Seattle...

Homer Simpson: (LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY) Stop it! You're killing me! Seattle... (CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Krusty the Clown: And now everybody's favorite, the "spin cycle fantastique" trick. It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off, but if you blow it, you'll look like a fool.

Homer Simpson: Steady, steady...

Krusty the Clown: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong.

Homer Simpson: (TO HIMSELF) Kill wealthy dowager.

Krusty the Clown: Uh, burn that seat.

Krusty the Clown: These Krusty brand balloons are three bucks each, but get a cheap one and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost yA? (TURNS TO ACCOUNTANT) Hey Bill, what did that cost us?

Bart Simpson: (SPUTTERING) Wow. I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad.

Lisa Simpson: If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.

Homer Simpson: Thanks honey. Bank shot.

Lisa Simpson: Good aim, Dad.

Homer Simpson: (MODESTLY) Well, it was my major.

Krusty the Clown: Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans. You will now go back to your hometowns and do kids' parties, swap meets, and all the other piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a ten foot clown pole. (HOLDING UP DIPLOMA) Now come and get your cat skins -- Uh, I mean sheep skins.

Student: This is the happiest day of my life. (GETTING SHOCKED) A-YAH-ha.

Homer Simpson: Got it! No shock for me (TITTERS).

Krusty the Clown: Oh yeah?

Manager: (THROUGH SPEAKER) And now, to help introduce our fantastic new burger, the one with ketchup, here he is, coming in by parachute.... Krusty the Klown!

Homer Simpson: (READING; STILTED) To- Audience -I - now - proclaim - this - new - burger... for sale.

Homer Simpson: (PAINED AND OUT OF BREATH) Lord save me.

Kid In Crowd: It's the Krusty Burglar!

Homer Simpson: (GASP) Omigod! He's stealing all the burgers! Why you little - I've got you!

Manager: (LOW, STUTTERING) Homer, it's all just an act.

Kid In Crowd: (AGONIZED) Stop! Stop! He's already dead!

Manager: Krusty the Clown everybody!

Krusty Burglar: (ESTONIAN ACCENT) Please look at my Medic Alert bracelet.

Homer Simpson: (FEEBLY) Hey, hey.

Homer Simpson: And - then - take - that, and - put - that - in - there - and Ah. Here's your giraffe, little girl.

Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.

Homer Simpson: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Milhouse Van Houten: Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh Bart? My dad got Krusty the Klown to personally appear at my party.

Bart Simpson: I have a feeling I could get him to appear at my house.

Milhouse Van Houten: I don't know, Bart. My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.

Kirk Van Houten: (A BIT THREATENING) Uh, it's not 5:30 yet.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, nice threads.

Homer Simpson: (WEARILY) I'm beat, and after work I've got to dedicate a new jiffy lube and co-host the Ace Awards.

Lenny Leonard: Wow, jiffy lube.

Carl Carlson: Boy, you're really running yourself ragged.

Homer Simpson: Oh yeah. When I started this clown thing I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown? I tell ya, it's hard, tiring work, but when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

Dick Cavett: Well my time's almost up here, so uh, I'd just like to say (QUICKLY) I know Woody Allen.

Homer Simpson: And now the winner for the most promising new series on cable: old "Starsky and Hutches."

Announcer: Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played "Huggy Bear."

Dick Cavett: Let's walk and talk. I ah, I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.

Homer Simpson: Uh, can't. I've got to go distract bulls at a rodeo.

Dick Cavett: Hey! Me too! We can go together.

Homer Simpson: Uh... no. I'm going a different way than you, Dick.

Dick Cavett: (CHUCKLES) Your churlish attitude reminds me of the time I was having dinner with Groucho, and...

Homer Simpson: Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it.

Homer Simpson: (GRUMBLING) Being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

Homer Simpson: Oh no.

Chief Wiggum: Well, well, well "Velocity Boy," I am gonna give you the biggest ticket you... (SUDDENLY DELIGHTED) Hey! Krusty!

Homer Simpson: (BITTER) I'm not Krusty.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, to think I was going to give you a ticket! Krusty the Klown!

Homer Simpson: (FIRMLY) I am not Krusty.

Chief Wiggum: Hey Krusty, Krusty, remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store? (CHUCKLES) Memories. All right, you take it easy, Krusty.

Homer Simpson: Hey, he didn't give me a ticket! This is an intriguing development.

Homer Simpson: (GASP) You mean I get 5% off on everything in the store just because I look like... I mean, just because I am Krusty the clown?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: How could I charge full price to the man whose lust for filthy magazines kept me in business during that first shaky year? (SOTTO) By the way, here is your new issue of "Gigantic Asses."

Homer Simpson: I'm telling you, Marge, this will work. They'll think I'm Krusty and give us free stuff. I've been gettin' free stuff all day. Look at this swell bucket of house paint.

Homer Simpson: Look at it.

Marge Simpson: I'm not saying it won't work. I'm just saying it's dishonest.

Homer Simpson: Well if we agree, then why are we arguing?

Luigi: Hey, Krusty! Hey, ooh, beautiful date tonight! And such lovely children you have now!

Bart Simpson: I'm more striking than lovely.

Luigi: You come with me. Come with Liugi.

Luigi: You don't want to sit with the rest of this scum.

Luigi: (APOLOGETIC) I only consider you scum compared to Krusty.

Luigi: Yeah, you see how you're scum.

Accountant: Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters?

Krusty the Clown: (MISERABLE) I thought the Generals were due.

Krusty the Clown: (RE: TV) He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take the ball!

Krusty the Clown: That game was fixed. They were using a freakin' ladder for god's sake!

Fat Tony: (APOLOGETIC) I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us.

Krusty the Clown: Look, I'm cleaned out. Just take the clown college.

Fat Tony: We have already taken it.

Gangster: Kids have a lot of money these days, so, after you finish your performance, you might consider robbing 'em.

Krusty the Clown: (SINCERELY) Look, what can I tell ya? You can't get blood from a turnip. You wanna kill me? Go ahead and kill me.

Krusty the Clown: Hey! Hey! All right, okay, already. Look, we can talk this over.

Fat Tony: No more talk. It is time for us to take you for a ride.

Krusty the Clown: (NERVOUSLY) Mind if I go to the bathroom first?

Fat Tony: I see no harm in that.

Legs: When he's done in there, I gotta go.

Fat Tony: Okay, wherever Krusty's gone, we'll find him. Legs, you check out the East Side. Louie, Rome and Budapest. Tell the boys I want a total world search.

Louie: Right, Boss.

Homer Simpson: I want a free car because I'm Krusty. (IN HIS FACE) Krusty the clown! Get it? Krus-ty!

Fat Tony: Cancel the world search.

Homer Simpson: I want everything that's coming to Krusty the clown, which is me... Krusty.

Louie: Hey! It's Krusty all right. Should I shoot him gangland-style or execution-style?

Fat Tony: Listen to your heart.

Salesman: Well, I can't give you the car, Krusty... but I can let you have this little number for practically nothing. Only thirty-eight thousand.

Homer Simpson: (SUSPICIOUS) Hey, what are these holes?

Salesman: (SMOOTHLY) These are speed holes. They make the car go faster.

Homer Simpson: (KNOWINGLY) Oh yeah. Speed holes.

Salesman: You want my advice? I think you should buy this car.

Fat Tony: We need more ammo. Let's go to Big five.

Plastic Surgeon: (EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT) Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now when I remove the bandages don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you.

Krusty the Clown: I look exactly the same, you moron!

Plastic Surgeon: Nonsense Krusty, you look at least ten years younger. Plus I did your breasts.

Krusty the Clown: Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts? Ah, what's the use in hiding? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music. Can you loan me bus fare?

Krusty the Clown: Hey hey hey hey hey.

Ned Flanders: Whatcha diddily doin', neighbor?

Homer Simpson: Putting speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster.

Ned Flanders: Is that so? Well gee... maybe the old FlandersMobile could use a...

Ned Flanders: (CHUCKLE) Lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart.

Ned Flanders: (CHUCKLE) Lucky I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. (A LITTLE WORRIED) I think I'll go inside.

Homer Simpson: (LOOKS AROUND, ANNOYED) What keeps doin' that?

Fat Tony: I told you we should've bought more than three bullets. Let's just grab him.

Homer Simpson: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.

Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?

Homer Simpson: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah. Barney Gumbel.

Legs: The same Barney Gumbel who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

Homer Simpson: Uh... actually my real name is uh... (TO HIMSELF) Think, Krusty, think... Joe Valachi.

Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?

Homer Simpson: Benedict Arnold!

Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

Don Vitorio: I am so glad I had a chance to meet you before we did this, Krusty, because I am a great-a fan. (EXTENDS HAND) Don Vittorio Dimaggio.

Homer Simpson: (DEFEATED) Krusty the clown.

Don Vitorio: Sorry, I have to do this, Krusty.

Don Vitorio: I cannot do it. To murder a funnyman of such genius would be a crime. (THINKS) Tell you what, Krusty. Do for me my favorite trick where you ride the little bike through the loop, and I will let you live.

Homer Simpson: But, I've never been able to do the...

Homer Simpson: How 'bout if I just squirt you in the face with my boutonniere?

Homer Simpson: Okay.

Homer Simpson: (TO HIMSELF) I'll never be able to do this trick... never.

Don Vitorio: Go! Go!

Homer Simpson: Hey! I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm the greatest clown in the world!

Don Vitorio: (GRIMLY) The fact that you did not do the trick well is the biggest insult of all.

Krusty the Clown: Hey, guys, I came to uh... (LOOKS AROUND) Uh, you've got a deadly game of cat and mouse goin'. I'll come back.

Legs: (RUBBING EYES) I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys.

Homer Simpson: (DELIGHTED) Krusty! Oh thanks! Thanks a lot! You came here to save me!

Krusty the Clown: (EYES DARTING) Yeah, that's what I did.

Don Vitorio: (TO HOMER) My apologies to you. I almost made a grievous error.

Don Vitorio: Goodbye, Krusty.

Krusty the Clown: Wait! He can't kill anybody if he doesn't know which one's the real Krusty!

Don Vitorio: I am confused.

Homer Simpson: Heh-heh, good one, Krusty.

Krusty the Clown: Oh crap.

Don Vitorio: Because of that disrespectful display, I shall now kill both of you... Unless... you both go through the loop. Together.

Krusty the Clown: I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes!

Krusty the Clown: Uh-ho.

Don Vitorio: Without the loop, it is nothing.

Homer Simpson: Ta-Da!

Gangsters: Yayyyyy Krustys!

Don Vitorio: Grazie. Grazie. You have brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype.

Legs: No, no, Don Vittorio, you're not.

Don Vitorio: (MODEST) Yes I am. I know it. I am. Anyway, thank-a you, Krusty.

Krusty the Clown: You're welcome. So, we're even now, huh?

Don Vitorio: No. We just won't kill you. But you still owe us the money. (DRAMATICALLY) Forty-eight dollars.

Krusty the Clown: Here's fifty.

Don Vitorio: And two, your change. And we thank you.