Kent Brockman: Hello, I'm Kent Brockman!

Britney Spears: (STEPPING INTO FRAME) And I'm teen sensation, Britney Spears!

Kent Brockman: (QUICKLY) And I'm Kent Brockman!

Kent Brockman: With Britney Spears!

Britney Spears: (SATISFIED SMILE) And we're here to present the...

Kent Brockman: 65th...

Britney Spears: Annual...

Kent Brockman: Spring--

Britney Spears: --field...

Kent Brockman: Pride A--

Britney Spears: --wards!

Britney Spears: Tonight, we'll be recognizing outstanding members of...

Kent Brockman: (UNHAPPILY) ...the...

Britney Spears: (UPBEAT) Springfield Community!

Homer Simpson: This is my year, Marge. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great.

Marge Simpson: I don't know, there's a lot of buzz around Lenny.

Kent Brockman: Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend.

Kent Brockman: A man who brings laughter and joy to the children of Springfield...

Britney Spears: With his big red nose and baggy pants...

Kent Brockman: Krusty the Clown!

Krusty the Clown: (JUMPS UP) Hey hey!

Homer Simpson: Wha...?!

Homer Simpson: Who are you?

Young Man: Seat filler.

Homer Simpson: Everyone gets an award but me.

Marge Simpson: (DEFENSIVE) I can't help it if I donated the most blood. (SHORT BEAT) Oh, I'm feeling kinda woozy.

Homer Simpson: (WHINING) Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?

Lisa Simpson: You won a Grammy.

Homer Simpson: I mean an award that's worth winning.

Britney Spears: You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture, we sometimes forget that older people are still alive.

Grampa Simpson: (TO SEAT FILLER) I told ya!

SEAT FILLER: (SURLY) Sor-ree.

Kent Brockman: And that's why our final award honors a man who's lived in Springfield for a hundred and eight years: our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman.

Britney Spears: Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield and introduced the tooth brush to our fair city.

Kent Brockman: For years he was Springfield's only basketball player, but he still managed to entertain the crowd.

Britney Spears: In the market crash of 1929 he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace.

Chapman: (GENTLY) You're doing the right thing... oh, oh out you go... (LAUGHS) my, you're a big one... no, no, no turning back now...

Moe Szyslak: (GETTING IDEA) Off a tall building. That's a great way to do it!

Kent Brockman: And in 1935 our honoree took a bullet for Huey Long.

Chapman: (LEAPING) Noooo!

Britney Spears: And now, Springfield's oldest citizen, he is, like, totally venerable: Cornelius Chapman!

Kent Brockman: Well, I guess we should have expected that.

Kent Brockman: Well, this award has to go to somebody. Would everyone who is sixty or older please stand up?

Kent Brockman: Over eighty?

Kent Brockman: Ninety?

Kent Brockman: One hundred years old?

Marge Simpson: Homer, sit down.

Homer Simpson: (BAD IMPRESSION OF OLD PERSON) What's that, sonny?

C. Montgomery Burns: Huh... This is all so sudden...

C. Montgomery Burns: (FRIGHTENED SOUND) Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow!

Kent Brockman: Boy, he didn't want to let go of that.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, okay... let's see... I don't have a speech prepared, but uh, abra-cadaver...

C. Montgomery Burns: "Thank you all so much. I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant to th... (STOPS READING, FLIPS PAGE) ... puppies... (FLIPS PAGE) patriotism... (FLIPS PAGE) bluebirds..." (DISGUSTED SOUND) I'm not reading this drivel. (THROWS DOWN SPEECH) This speech is over.

Homer Simpson: Well, that was a great night for us all.

Marge Simpson: That's not an award, that's part of the set.

Homer Simpson: Nothing you can say will diminish this honor.

C. Montgomery Burns: (SIGHS) Now that I'm the town's oldest man, I'm starting to realize I'm not a young man anymore. I'll have to start taking better care of myself. You know, I haven't had a medicino checkup in ages.

Waylon Smithers: Sir, you deserve the finest doctors in the world. I'm taking you to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.

C. Montgomery Burns: Very well.

C. Montgomery Burns: But I'll need someone to watch my house. Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?

Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Yes. The way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.

C. Montgomery Burns: Now if the house catches fire, I want you to call this number.

Marge Simpson: Uh-huh. The Fire Department.

C. Montgomery Burns: Yes. They're new, but they're good.

Waylon Smithers: Sir, we should get going.

Marge Simpson: (CALLING OUT DOOR) Don't worry about a thing. We'll take good care of your house!

Homer Simpson: Look at me, I'm a billionaire!

Waylon Smithers: I forgot my...

Marge Simpson: Good Lord! This bedroom is as big as our house!

Homer Simpson: And the bed never needs to be made. Check it out.

Marge Simpson: (DISAPPROVING GRUMBLE) Seems a little wasteful.

Homer Simpson: (CORRECTING HER) Wasteful AND practical.

Homer Simpson: A mechanical dressing dealy! Watch this, Marge.

Homer Simpson: Now I'm ready to hit the town.

Guard: Close that door.

Lisa Simpson: Wow, he's got every Nancy Drew! Even the controversial "Clue in the Clock." (SKIMMING PAGES, "TSK TSK" NOISE) So many swears.

Bart Simpson: I'm Al Unser Jr.!

Lisa Simpson: I'm Princess Margaret!

Homer Simpson: I'm drunk!

Doctor: It's nothing serious, just lay off the chili and you should be fine.

The Pope: Don't you laugh, Fidel. I've been in the car with you.

C. Montgomery Burns: Let's see, social security number... (WRITING) naught-naught-naught, naught-naught, naught-naught-naught-two. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents' death... (WRITING) Got in my way.

Lisa Simpson: Mom! Bart's making faces at me. (LOOKS THROUGH OPERA GLASSES) I think.

Homer Simpson: (YELLING) Look how loud I have to yell!

Marge Simpson: This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes.

Marge Simpson: Hmm, I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?

Homer Simpson: (SNOOTY) Why, Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.

Marge Simpson: Homer, watch your lang... (SCRATCHING ASS WITH FORK) Oooooh. That's a lifesaver.

Bart Simpson: Man, this is livin'.

Marge Simpson: Stop that! Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians, like Bill Crosby and David Letterson.

Homer Simpson: Oops, forgot to swirl it.

Marge Simpson: Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?

Homer Simpson: Jimmy is such an ugly word, Marge. (SHORT BEAT) Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits. (BOB HOPE GROWL)

Lisa Simpson: But housesitting is a sacred...

Lisa Simpson: Hey!

Marge Simpson: Stop swirling, Homer!

Homer Simpson: Listen, I worked long and hard for this place. And no one's going to take it away from me. Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody.

Homer Simpson: And another thing: If I ev...

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Operator, get me Thailand. (SPELLING IT) T...i... and so on.

Marge Simpson: Homer, who are you calling?

Homer Simpson: Everybody. I found Burnsie's address book. I called the New York Yankees and told them to bunt, and then I called the Queen of England and asked her how it was going, and then I...

Marge Simpson: Well, don't run up Mr. Burns' phone bill.

Homer Simpson: Just a second, Marge. (INTO PHONE) Hello! Thailand? How's everything on your end? (LISTENS) Uh-huh. That's some language you got there. (LISTENS) And you talk like that twenty-four seven, huh?

Homer Simpson: Hey!

Marge Simpson: Homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house. You're not a billionaire.

Homer Simpson: (HURT) Geez, way to burst my bubble, Marge.

Marge Simpson: All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.

Homer Simpson: Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party.

Marge Simpson: Party? No! No parties.

Homer Simpson: What about partays?

Marge Simpson: No partays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials...

Homer Simpson: Damn!

Homer Simpson: And I looked so good on that box.

C. Montgomery Burns: Now Doctor, I want you to test me for everything. Every disease on this chart.

Doctor: Fine. We'll start by drawing some blood.

Doctor: Well, isn't that odd. (SLIDES NEEDLE BACK AND FORTH) It's like poking through meringue.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, try this arm. I saw some blood in there the other day.

Nurse: (ENCOURAGING) Come on. Keep blowing.

Nurse: Okay, twelve centimeters. Excellent.

C. Montgomery Burns: I'm a big boy!

Workman: (TO DOCTOR, POINTING) There's your problem.

Homer Simpson: Havin' a party, Moe. I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer.

Moe Szyslak: How 'bout Tuborg? The beer of Danish Kings.

Homer Simpson: Mmmm, Danish.

Moe Szyslak: Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till two P.M., on accounta it's Sunday.

Homer Simpson: Huh? If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doing here?

Carl Carlson: Huh? Uh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky.

Lenny Leonard: (POINTING) When it gets to here, we can drink again.

Homer Simpson: (WHINY) But I need that beer now.

Moe Szyslak: Sorry. Two P.M. (JOKING) Or you can steal a boat and sail out to International Waters.

Homer Simpson: What's that, a theme park?

Moe Szyslak: No, the ocean. Once you get twelve miles out, there's no laws at all. That's where they held the Tyson/Secretariat fight.

Homer Simpson: (LAUGHS) They were so drunk. Gentlemen, get off your knees. Your rich uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen!

Homer Simpson: And you're invited.

Marge Simpson: Oh no, you don't! I'm not going to let you trash Mr. Burns' yacht.

Homer Simpson: Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I've gotta seize this opportunity. Just in case I never become a real billionaire.

Marge Simpson: (TOUCHED) Oh, Homie, I don't care if you're a billionaire. I love you just because you're...

Lenny Leonard: Hey, there's another way to get on the boat!

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Homer Simpson: (BARKING OUT ORDERS) Propellers... SPINNING! Turn... LEFT! Boat go... THERE!

Lisa Simpson: Don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll be okay.

Marge Simpson: The boat's going sideways!

Homer Simpson: Ships ahoy!

Homer Simpson: Well done, Mr. Lenny. Well done.

Carl Carlson: Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because uh, things are gettin' real ugly.

Moe Szyslak: I can't sell ya beer till we cross the line! (CRACKS WHIP)

Barney Gumble: Legally, you could give us free beer.

Barney Gumble: Ow!

Lenny Leonard: Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?

Lenny Leonard: Hey. (CHUCKLE) Sucker.

Lenny Leonard: Ow!

Homer Simpson: We made it, son. International waters -- the land that law forgot.

Bart Simpson: Wow, you can do anything out here.

Homer Simpson: That's right. See that ship over there?

Homer Simpson: They're rebroadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent, not expressed written consent! Or so the legend goes.

Captain Horatio McCallister: Arrr, I now pronounce ya man and cow.

Captain Horatio McCallister: Please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing. Yarrr.

Homer Simpson: There are no laws. We can do anything we want! Anything!

Homer Simpson: Ow, ow! Oh, real mature, Lenny.

C. Montgomery Burns: (RUBBING HANDS TOGETHER) Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests. You may shake my hand if you like.

Doctor: Under the circumstances, I'd rather not.

C. Montgomery Burns: Eh?

Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.

C. Montgomery Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?

Doctor: Yes.

C. Montgomery Burns: Juvenile diabetes?

Doctor: Yes.

C. Montgomery Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?

Doctor: A-a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered. In you.

C. Montgomery Burns: (THOUGHTFULLY) I see. You're sure you just haven't made thousands of mistakes?

Doctor: Uh no, no, I'm afraid not.

C. Montgomery Burns: Well, this sounds like bad news.

Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance.

Doctor: I-i-i-f you have a moment, I can explain.

C. Montgomery Burns: (LOOKS DOUBTFULLY AT WATCH) Well...

Doctor: Here's the door to your body, see. And these are oversized novelty germs. Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle bug is pancreatic cancer. Now, here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.

Doctor: (A LA CURLY HOWARD) Whoop, whoop whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop! (A LA MOE HOWARD) Move it, Chowderhead.

Doctor: (THREE STOOGES SOUNDS) We call it Three Stooges Syndrome.

C. Montgomery Burns: So what you're saying is... I'm indestructible.

Doctor: No, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could...

C. Montgomery Burns: (SAVORING IT) Indestructible...

Lisa Simpson: Why are we cleaning this room? I don't think we were even in here.

Marge Simpson: Honey, we want Mr. Burns to find this place exactly the way he left it.

Homer Simpson: Look at those poor saps back on land. With their laws and ethics. They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.

Moe Szyslak: Thrust... Parry... Stabstabstabstab. Oooh, (LAUGHS) he ain't pretty no more.

Bart Simpson: (CALLING THROUGH BULLHORN) Hey, Coast Guard! Try and stop us now, you lousy Americans!

Coast Guard Guy: (THROUGH BULLHORN) We can't hear you. Come 300 feet closer.

Bart Simpson: (THROUGH BULLHORN) Nice try. You're not gonna nail us!

Coast Guard Guy: (BEAT, THROUGH BULLHORN) But we just want to party.

Bart Simpson: (THROUGH BULLHORN) Oh, really? Then play some rock music.

Homer Simpson: C'mon, Bart. The Coast Guard is covering the Doobs!

Homer Simpson: (TO PARTY GUESTS) Who's the greatest billionaire in the world?!

Party Guests: You are!

Asian Pirate: Looks like another homosexual party boat. They always have such nice things.

Pirate Captain: (DRAWING SWORD) Perhaps we should pay them a visit.

Asian Pirate: (OMINOUSLY) A deadly visit?

Pirate Captain: Well, let's play it by ear.

Homer Simpson: (SHORT SCREAM) Pirates! (THEN, TENTATIVELY) Are you friendly pirates?

Pirate Captain: Uh, not really, no.

Homer Simpson: (FRIGHTENED NOISE) What have you done with my party guests?

Moe Szyslak: They got my bus pass. (PANICKY) They got my bus pass!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Whoo, they're poking every nook and cranny. Well, every cranny, anyway. So far the nook is relatively... (GETTING POKED) Oh, no it isn't!

Pirate Captain: (TO PIRATE) Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island. AKA Hong Kong.

Asian Pirate: Aye aye, captain. (TURNS WHEEL)

Homer Simpson: (THROUGH BULLHORN) Help, pirates!

Coast Guard Guy: (THROUGH BULLHORN) Navy Seals are on the way.

Homer Simpson: (THROUGH BULLHORN) Oh, bless you!

Coast Guard Guy: (THROUGH BULLHORN) How 'bout a tactical nuclear strike?

Homer Simpson: (THROUGH BULLHORN) Oh, that would be just... (REALIZING, GROANS. THEN: SADLY) You're just yankin' my chain, aren't you?

Coast Guard Guy: (THROUGH BULLHORN) Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question.

Pirate Captain: Enough! Get in the net.

Homer Simpson: I don't wanna!

Homer Simpson: Ah ha! Prepare to die!

Homer Simpson: (TO PIRATE IN CORNER) You too.

Homer Simpson: (SHRIEKS) Agh! Rope burns!

Homer Simpson: (SHRIEKS) Oooh, oooh, Charlie horse, Charlie horse!

Homer Simpson: (KNIFE IN MOUTH) Agh, my mouth!

Homer Simpson: (TO PIRATES) In the net, right?

Lenny Leonard: Some party, Homer.

Homer Simpson: Shut up, Net Face.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, you're in the net, too.

Homer Simpson: (INSISTENT) I said shut up, Net Face!

Moe Szyslak: Aw, we're gonna die and I never tasted canteloupe.

Krusty the Clown: Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.

Pirate Captain: And now we will cut you loose. For liability purposes it is the ocean that will kill you, not us.

Homer Simpson: Ahhhh!

Lenny Leonard: Hey, what do you know? It floats.

Homer Simpson: That was my plan all along. Now relax and the currents will take us home.

Bart Simpson: What about the people on the bottom?

Homer Simpson: They're the greatest heroes of all. (THEN:) Hey, something's clawing at my leg. (THEN:) Okay, it stopped.

Lisa Simpson: It looks great. I can't believe we scrubbed that old man smell out of a hundred and thirty-seven rooms.

C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers, old chum, there's nothing like coming home with a clean bill of health. Oh, and sorry about your news.

Waylon Smithers: Thank you, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain?

Waylon Smithers: I prefer not to know. Frankly, one is too many.

C. Montgomery Burns: (COUGHING) Ugh. The foul stench of youth!

C. Montgomery Burns: Well, let's see. Ming vase on narrow column, not knocked down... priceless coins not used in vending machine...

C. Montgomery Burns: (NODDING) ... yes, not bad.

Homer Simpson: Uh, Mr. Burns, pirates got your yacht.

C. Montgomery Burns: What!? (THINKING IT OVER) Well, I suppose some mishaps are unavoidable.

C. Montgomery Burns: Furious George! What have they done to your beautiful face?!

C. Montgomery Burns: (TO MONKEY) There, there. Smithers, this monkey's going to need most of your skin.

Lisa Simpson: Ah, it's good to be home.

Homer Simpson: I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.

Bart Simpson: Nah, it's not so bad. Here we can spit on the floor. (SPITS ON FLOOR)

Marge Simpson: Bart, stop that! Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless art work, but we have everything we need right here.

Homer Simpson: That's right. Just because we're not rich, doesn't mean that we don't have... (SOBS) Oh, I can't even finish. I wanna be rich!

Homer Simpson: (SOBS) Like these guys. (SOBS) And look at all these rich people here. Not as rich as they should be of course. But still rich. (SOBS) All that big money. Look at all of these. Got all this money. I have lots of money. (SOBS) (MUMBLE) Oh look at all the other people. Oh, look at all the people who can buy and sell me. I should send a list of these names to the IRS. I'm takin' 'em all down. (SOBS) Oh, look at all the rich people. (SOBS) Oh, look at the rich...

CLOSING: Shhh.

Homer Simpson: Don't shush me, you rich bastards!