Marge Simpson: Homer, what took you so long? The game's almost over.

Homer Simpson: I got hung up at the snack stand -- watching those hot dogs (DREAMY) rolling and turning, not a care in the world.

Homer Simpson: (POINTED) No more lazy Saturdays for you.

Umpire: Strike two!

Professor Jonathan Frink: By my calculations, we're only one strike away from victory. (FRINK NOISE)

Ned Flanders: This is it, boys -- One more out and we go to the championship game. (POINTS TO BLACK ARMBAND, SOLEMN) Let's do it for Groundskeeper Willie... (CHIPPER) who made me this beautiful black bicep warmer!

Groundskeeper Willie: It keeps me naughty hands busy.

Milhouse Van Houten: I got it -- I got it!

Bart Simpson: I hogged it! I hogged it!

Homer Simpson: (EXTREMELY EXCITED NOISES, THEN:) My son caught the ball! This makes up for everything that's gone wrong in my life or ever will!

Marge Simpson: I'm also pleased!

Mayor Joe Quimby: After years of failure in everything we've attempted, we are one victory away from a championship, people. And our newfound glory is all due to these wonderful boys.

Bart Simpson: (TO CROWD) Behold, my naked butt!

Bart Simpson: Each cheek is a god to you!

Ned Flanders: Now Bart, stay humble! Your baseball cap won't fit over a swelled head.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Flanders, these boys have earned the right to behave like arrogant oafs.

Nelson Muntz: Can we egg the crowd?

Mayor Joe Quimby: In this modern-day Deadwood you can do anything.

C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers, I'm missing the fun!

Waylon Smithers: Upsy-daisy, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Ah, what glorious goo!

Marge Simpson: I need a dress to wear for my son's big game. He's the star, I'm his mom, and he's my son.

Saleswoman: Mm-hmm, you've mentioned his name and batting average several times.

Marge Simpson: Well, he's done very well for someone who came out blue and backwards.

Saleswoman: Listen, do you mind if I hum while you talk?

Marge Simpson: Not at all!

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) I hate shopping. I'm bored, my feet hurt, I'm too big for the choo-choo train... hmm, where's the "husband chair?"

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Unless you're serving me a cold beer, you keep moving.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) There must be another chair.

Chief Wiggum: Uh-uh. My wife's lookin' for a bathing suit that doesn't make her look "horsey". So, I'm gonna be here a while.

Homer Simpson: I guess I could just sit on a bed...

HOMER (CONT'D: Wow, this is soft...

Homer Simpson: Sure feels weird lying on top of the covers.

Homer Simpson: Sure feels weird lying in bed with my pants on.

Mr. Costington: What in the name of-- Hey, you!

Homer Simpson: (STARTLED WAKE-UP NOISE) How many?!

Mr. Costington: Are you sleeping in the middle of my department store?

Homer Simpson: Well, who wouldn't with an incredible mattress like this? It works with my body's natural curves and supports my back-boobs.

The Rich Texan: That's the best endorsement I've heard since Mickey Mantle for Maypo! I'll take five mattresses.

Homer Simpson: I don't work here.

Mr. Costington: You do now, son! (JOWLY) You're hired!

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Lisa Simpson: All this fuss for a baseball game? Why don't thousands come to watch a teacher inspire a child?

Homer Simpson: (ENTERING, SARCASTIC) But it did happen. Just yesterday, in Crazytown.

Baseball Announcer: So in the amber gloaming of this September afternoon, Shelbyville has the bases loaded, but the Isotots only need one out to win the championship and get that pizza party at Luigi's! Luigi's -- they deliver on flavor, but not to your house!

Spanish Baseball Announcer: Damas y caballeros, if the Isotots win, please do not fire your guns in the air. The bullets will come down! (SAD) And kill my sister.

Baseball Announcer: A lazy pop fly to star shortstop Bart Simpson. And this should do it!

Bart Simpson: Now for the defining moment of my life...

Crowd: (HORRIFIED GASP, THEN) Pick it up! / Throw it home!

Baseball Announcer: Simpson drops the ball! And he kicks it!

Baseball Announcer: And he kicks it again! And again! Aw it's horrible, but you can't take your eyes away! It's like watching a monkey swallow a hand grenade.

Baseball Announcer: The Isotots lose the pennant! The Isotots lose the pennant!

Springfield Fans: Boooooooooooooooo...oooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, you choked!

Krusty the Clown: I put on fresh makeup for this?

Homer Simpson: (TO CROWD) Knock it off! He's just a kid!

Moe Szyslak: (POINTS TO HOMER) Aw, hey that's the guy what created him! If Homer had used some protection, we'd all be poopin' roses on easy street!

Homer Simpson: (RE: BART) Hey, get off my case! He's the choke artist!

Chief Wiggum: Quick, Bart, Bart, get in!

Bart Simpson: (RELIEVED) Thanks, Chief.

Chief Wiggum: Don't mention it, son.

Chief Wiggum: (CALLING OUT WINDOW) He's back! Go nuts, everyone!

Springfield Fans: Boooooooooooooooo!

Marge Simpson: Bart's coming down!

Lisa Simpson: Hide the sports section!

Marge Simpson: (SWEETLY) Good morning, sweetie.

Bart Simpson: (UPSET) There's nothing you can say. After that game, my life is over.

Marge Simpson: (PRETENDING) Was there even a baseball game yesterday? I don't remember!

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) Marge, we were just talking about it a few seconds ago.

Marge Simpson: Don't you have to get to your job as a mattress salesman?

Homer Simpson: Oh yeah, let's see where that goes.

Homer Simpson: Let me tell you about a land where it rains beer and hails pretzels, and you can play swim-up blackjack with Abraham Lincoln! It's the land of sleep. And your passport: a simple mattress. (CHUCKLES LIKE HE SAID SOMETHING VERY WITTY)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes, I need to be able to sleep through my wife's nagging, and my eight horrible babies and the anguished howls of my ancestors.

Homer Simpson: A common problem. Try this.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (PLEASED) Ooh! I feel like I'm floating on a river of corpses.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (CLEARS THROAT) Homer, we have a friend -- actually, a friend of a friend--

Homer Simpson: (A LITTLE LOUD) Sex problem, eh?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Homer, please! They can hear you in fine china!

Homer Simpson: Relax. I'm a licensed mattress professional, if there were such a thing. And I've got the answer to your problems -- the Snugulux, by Matrimonium!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Oooh, sold!

Homer Simpson: And remember: your most intimate secrets are safe with me. (CALLING OUT) Okay, who else is dead in bed?

Bill: You're listening to KBBL, your official "Bart Simpson sucks" station!

Marty: Oh-ho, and here comes another "Bash Bart Block," starting with this entry from Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney!

Kearney Zzyzwicz: (TO "LOVE STINKS" BY THE J. GEILS BAND) BART STINKS...

Kearney Zzyzwicz: (SINGS) YEAH, YEAH

DOLPH: (SINGS) BART STINKS

Kearney Zzyzwicz: (SINGS) BART STINKS / YEAH, YEAH...

DOLPH: (SINGS) BART STINKS...

Bart Simpson: (MISERABLE MOAN) My favorite song -- ruined!

Lisa Simpson: Bart, come with me. I'll take you to someone who will make you feel better.

Bart Simpson: Is it my rabbit Cottontail? The one who went to live upstate?

Lisa Simpson: (BITES HER LIP, THEN:) He died, Bart. Dad buried him in the back yard. But not in that order.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, meet Joe LaBoot.

Bart Simpson: (STROKING CHIN) LaBoot, LaBoot. Sounds familiar.

Joe Laboot: (CHUCKLE) Well, you probably remember me from the nineteen forty-three World Series. With the score tied in game seven, Tommy Heinrich of the Yankees hit a ball in my direction.

Joe Laboot: Jugglin' Joe LaBoot they called me. When I finally picked up the ball, I threw it into the stands...hitting Eleanor Roosevelt, who up till then had been a great beauty.

Joe Laboot: We lost the game and the series. (CHUCKLES) But I bounced back -- got my own car dealership. I have seventeen grandchildren and a big home in Idaho. It's a great life!

Bart Simpson: Yeah, in Idaho.

Joe Laboot: And at these card shows, the fans let me know that I've put my gaffe behind me.

Grampa Simpson: You stink, LaBoot!

Joe Laboot: No I don't! Google my stats! (TO BART) Take it from me, kid -- you'll be just fine!

Lisa Simpson: Feel better now, Bart?

Joe Laboot: (SURPRISED) "Bart?!" Are you Bart Simpson?

Joe Laboot: (HORRIFIED) The kid who dropped that easy fly ball?! You stink like a Dutchman's throw-up. Talking to you was the biggest error of my life!

Joe Laboot: Boo. Boo, indeed.

Homer Simpson: (SURPRISED) The Lovejoys?! If this is about me drinking that holy water, let me tell you I had had like a million Doritos -- you know, the ones with the flame on the bag? Oh-ho, that bag ain't lyin'!

Helen Lovejoy: We're here about the mattress.

Homer Simpson: What's wrong with it?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: We tried raising Cain but we weren't able.

Homer Simpson: Oh, I think I know what you're doing wrong. Have you tried... (LOUD WHISPERS IN LOVEJOY'S EAR)

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (ANNOYED, INTERRUPTING) I know the mechanics of lovemaking, Homer! You owe us a refund!

Homer Simpson: (RESIGNED) I'll write you a check.

Homer Simpson: (MUMBLING AS HE WRITES) Pay to the order of... Stupid Reverend... memo: bite my ass ... (NOTICING) Wha?!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Homer, I'm not a man who believes in miracles, but this bed of yours could resurrect our sex life!

Helen Lovejoy: If you let us have your mattress, we'll give you ours.

Homer Simpson: (FIRMLY) On one condition: you do the shlepping.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Well, I'll have to check with my wife.

Homer Simpson: Move over just a...

Marge Simpson: Well, maybe if you go...

Homer Simpson: (UPSET) Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, Homie -- I want to snuggle, but I'm just not feeling it.

Homer Simpson: Yeah... something has changed, but I can't figure out what. (GASP) Our mattress! I traded it to the Lovejoys!

Marge Simpson: You traded our mattress? I had my secret cash in it!

Homer Simpson: Oh, that's long gone, baby. Long gone.

Homer Simpson: It was made for Elvis, but he found it tacky.

Homer Simpson: (THINKS) I can't believe a mattress could make that much difference...

Helen Lovejoy: (SINGING BIG, GOSPEL-STYLE) THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE, I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE

Helen Lovejoy: OH GLORY / THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE, I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (SINGING BIG, GOSPEL-STYLE) EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY, YAY, YAY... YAY!

Homer Simpson: (MOROSE) Lousy Reverend. He's having my sex! (MUMBLES) While I'm at home with Marge not doing anything sexual or erotic.

Ned Flanders: A damp sponge will take care of this weak, water-based... it's oil-based! Oil-based!

Rod Flanders: (COMING OUT DOOR) Daddy?

Ned Flanders: (GRIM) Fetch Daddy's thinner, boy.

Rod Flanders: But it's in the "stay away" closet!

Ned Flanders: (PANICKED) You just fetch it!

Marge Simpson: (STRICKEN) Who would do this to Bart?

Lisa Simpson: (REALIZING) The person who hates Bart more than anyone else. Look!

Marge Simpson: (VAGUE) Oh, yeah, that's really something.

Lisa Simpson: (WEARY) Mom, put your glasses on.

Marge Simpson: But they make me look dowdy...

Marge Simpson: (HORRIFIED GASP) My baby!

Bart Simpson: (CRAZED) See? I hate me too! Now we can be friends again! (CRAZED LAUGH)

Lisa Simpson: (CALLING UP) Bart, stop! No one's mad at you anymore! (TO CROWD) Right?

Chief Wiggum: (INTO BULLHORN, QUICKLY) Jump! (THEN, LOOKING AROUND) Who said that?

Bart Simpson: (CALLING OUT QUICKLY) I hate Bart Simpson!

Joe Laboot: I got him! I got him!

Grampa Simpson: You stink LaBoot!

Joe Laboot: Dammit!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (GENTLY) He'll be all right. Right now he just needs peace and quiet.

Crowd: Bart sucks! Bart sucks! Bart sucks! Bart sucks!

Marge Simpson: You should all be ashamed! Passing judgment on a child for a sports boo-boo! What have you people ever done?

Lenny Leonard: Well, I wrote a best-selling series of mystery novels.

Lenny Leonard: Stephen King called it "scary good fun."

Marge Simpson: Besides that!

Marge Simpson: Now, thanks to you, my special little guy will be haunted by this for the rest of his life.

Marge Simpson: I always thought that was just a slogan to attract small businesses. But now I know it's the truth.

Moe Szyslak: Okay, Midge. You made us feel bad about what we done to your boy. But what can we do about it now? It's not like we can play the game over again.

Lisa Simpson: (SLY) Can't we?

Moe Szyslak: Like I just said, we can't.

Lisa Simpson: (SLY) Are you sure?

Moe Szyslak: Open your freakin' ears -- no!

Lisa Simpson: I think maybe we (SING-SONG) cou-ould.

Moe Szyslak: And I say I have difficulty (ANGRY SING-SONG) envi-sioning it.

Shelbyville Manager: Let me get this straight -- you want our boys to play a fake rematch against Springfield, so your son can make the catch he missed, and feel better about himself.

Marge Simpson: Exactly.

Shelbyville Manager: I guess I could, if you pretend to be my fiancé when my mother comes to visit.

Marge Simpson: Okay. If you pretend to be our chauffeur at my high school reunion.

Shelbyville Manager: Fine, fine -- if you pretend to be a ghost at an old amusement park I'm trying to buy.

Marge Simpson: We should stop now.

Shelbyville Manager: Yeah.

Baseball Announcer: You want me to re-announce a game I've already called? Oh, sister, I've got too much integrity. The same integrity Farmer Dan puts into every link sausage.

Lisa Simpson: Then I guess you wouldn't mind eating one.

Baseball Announcer: Of course I wouldn't. (GROWING NERVOUS) It's not like they're made of skunk tails and horse nipples...

Baseball Announcer: (PANICKED) I'll do whatever you say! Get that death wiener away from me!

Marge Simpson: I'm starting to feel funny about doing this.

Homer Simpson: Look, we're just gonna take our mattress, do a quick sweep of the medicine chest, then we're outta here.

Marge Simpson: (TURNING) Homer, stop that.

Homer Simpson: (HIGH-HAT NOISES, THEN:) Sorry.

Marge Simpson: There it is -- ol' bounce 'n' giggle.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: You put on the Michael Bolton CD, I'll put on my edible vestments.

Helen Lovejoy: (SHOCKED) Oh my God!

Helen Lovejoy: How dare you break into our house, defile our bed, and smash our family photos with your foot.

Homer Simpson: (INDIGNANT) Well, excuse me, for being a powerful yet careless lover.

Marge Simpson: Reverend Lovejoy, our marriage needs this bed.

Helen Lovejoy: Our marriage needs it more!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Well, I am reminded of the story of wise King Solomon.

Homer Simpson: (DISMISSIVE) You would be.

Marge Simpson: I wish he hadn't cut it that way -- it looks like a grilled-cheese sandwich.

Homer Simpson: Or a chicken club... (GETTING TURNED ON) or a Reuben... or a Monte Cristo... or a... (VERY TURNED ON) Pull over behind that billboard!

Marge Simpson: You really wanna make love on half a mattress behind a billboard?

Homer Simpson: (WARMLY) It's like our honeymoon all over again. (POINTS) Aw, we even have the same bum looking at us.

Homeless Man: I knew you kids would make it. (PINCHES HOMER'S STOMACH) Man, you got fat.

Baseball Announcer: So, it's déjà vu all over again, as Springfield needs just one out to win the game and the championship. Who'da thunk it? Probably everyone who was here the last time.

Bart Simpson: I still can't believe it. They dusted the plate with a non-regulation brush, so we have to play the last inning over again.

Milhouse Van Houten: (COY) I think this time it'll have a happier ending.

Bart Simpson: Why do you think that?

Milhouse Van Houten: Uh... uh... (MOANS) They warned me not to talk to you!

Bart Simpson: Who warned you?

Milhouse Van Houten: Nobody!

Bart Simpson: Hello, redemption.

Marge Simpson: Bart gets another try!

Marge Simpson: Uh... the batter hit it by accident, not by design.

Umpire: (SHRUGS) Play ball!

Mayor Joe Quimby: Er, uh, that is also a do-over 'cause, um... er, uh...

Moe Szyslak: (GETTING IDEA) There's a naked idiot on the field!

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! (REALIZING, THEN: ANNOYED GRUNT)

Umpire: (WEARY) Play ball.

Bart Simpson: (BEAMING) I did it! I did it! I did it!

Baseball Announcer: And the seventy-eighth time is the charm. Now over the left field wall, the real show's about to begin -- the glorious sunrise. Brought to you by God! The invisible giant you turn to when you're about to die.

Old Bart: Hey Milhouse, did I ever tell you about the catch I made when I was ten? Greatest moment of my life...

Old Milhouse: It was a fake, you idiot! We did it to make you feel better.

Old Bart: A fake? Then I did suck! I do suck! (SMALL SOBS)

Old Milhouse: No, that was a fake just now! You did make the catch!

Old Bart: (HAPPY) I knew it! I rule! And you drool!

Ghost Homer: Boy, our son can be a real jerk. (TO GHOST MARGE) Hey, you wanna have ghost sex?

Ghost Marge: I keep telling you, ghost sex is nothing. It's worse than nothing.

Ghost Homer: Then why were you moaning last time?

Ghost Marge: Because I'm a ghost! (MOANS LIKE A GHOST)

Ghost Homer: (SCREAMS) A ghost!