Homer Simpson: Dad, are you sure you're okay to drive at night?

Grampa Simpson: It's night?!

Homer Simpson: All right, that's it, pull over.

Grampa Simpson: Now don't you worry. Just sit back and relax to the smooth sounds of Tommy Dorsey's All-White Orchestra.

Grampa Simpson: Son, let this music take you to a time when girls were girls and a Hershey bar was as thick as a phone book -- (SUDDENLY FURIOUS) I'm sick of this song!

Grampa Simpson: (GRUMBLES) I don't like this one either -- too optimistic!

Grampa Simpson: (PUNCHING RADIO BUTTONS) Too slow! Too fast! No zazz! Too much zazz! More boogie! Less woogie! My back hurts! All my friends are dead!

Patty Bouvier: Nice one.

Selma Bouvier: Thanks.

Grampa Simpson: (COUGHING A LITTLE) Son, call me an ambulance.

Grampa Simpson: And while I'm in the hospital, you'll have to visit me every day. And then I'll have to come live with you while I recover.

Grampa Simpson: Eventually I'll die in your home, which'll hurt the resale value, but it'll all be wor--

Lisa Simpson: Dad... Dad? Wake up!

Homer Simpson: (WAKING UP NOISE, REALIZING MOAN) I was having the most wonderful dream. (WISTFUL) I always wake up just before the good part.

Lisa Simpson: (POINTING AHEAD) You can just drop me off here.

Homer Simpson: (KINDLY) I'll see you later, honey.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Er, uh... yes?

Lisa Simpson: (UPBEAT) I'm delivering your Scout Gal Cookies, Mayor Quimby! That'll be thirty dollars!

Mayor Joe Quimby: For three boxes?

Lisa Simpson: The money helps us serve the community! We plant trees, pick up litter, cut up milk bones for old dogs...

Mayor Joe Quimby: (WEARY) It was a rhetorical question.

Lisa Simpson: And I used rhetoric in my answer!

Mayor Joe Quimby: (WEARY SIGH) Let's just move on.

Mayor Joe Quimby: (TURNING LOCK) ...Twenty-seven to the left... and open.

Lisa Simpson: Where's all the money?

Mayor Joe Quimby: Why it's right...

Mayor Joe Quimby: Uh-oh. We spent all our money on that new slogan for Springfield.

Mayor Joe Quimby: (GETS IDEA) Um... what say you leave the cookies, and I pay you double next year?

Lisa Simpson: (POINTS TO BADGE ON CHEST) Sir, I didn't get this "skepticism" merit badge falling for promises like that.

Mayor Joe Quimby: If you don't give me those cookies, I'll pass a law forcing your organization to accept gay scout leaders.

Lisa Simpson: I would strongly support that measure.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Just give me those cookies!

Mayor Joe Quimby: Let go. This is a low point for my administration.

Mayor Joe Quimby: People of Springfield, our city is broke.

Moe Szyslak: Uh, when you say broke, do you mean really broke, or uh, (FINGER QUOTES) "O.J. Simpson broke?"

Mayor Joe Quimby: Really broke! I've been reduced to using this cheap novelty gavel.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Order! Order!

Homer Simpson: (HUMBLE) Homer Simpson. I know a lot of you from church, and the market and such. (SINCERE) And I'm not much for talkin' -- but seems to me, in hard times like these that we Americans come together.

Homer Simpson: So I say we roll up our sleeves, and fake a disaster to trick the federal government out of relief money.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Rip off the federal government? (CONCERNED) Hm, I have reservations... for dinner in five minutes. (ENERGETIC) So all in favor, say aye!

Crowd: Aye!

Mayor Joe Quimby: The "ayes" have it.

Fema Official: Now, when exactly did the hurricane pass through your town?

Mayor Joe Quimby: Er uh, five minutes ago. You just missed it.

Fema Official: FEMA will help you rebuild this town.

Fema Official: Your first ten million dollars will arrive as soon as you submit this form, (HANDS QUIMBY FORM) and the twenty-five hundred dollar processing fee.

Mayor Joe Quimby: And that's how...

Mayor Joe Quimby: ...a fake FEMA official scammed us out of twenty-five hundred dollars. We are now worse than broke.

Lisa Simpson: Panic not, fellow Springfielders!

Lisa Simpson: I've gone through the town's financial records, and it turns out there are millions in uncollected city taxes.

Mayor Joe Quimby: We shall collect each and every back tax owed! Everyone from...Comic Book Guy to...Milhouse. No one shall be spared!

Kent Brockman: Dozens of swindling deadbeats, as well as this respected reporter who made an honest mistake, have paid their back taxes, leaving only one outstanding debtor: country music star Lurleen Lumpkin! Seen here at the height of her fame.

Lurleen Lumpkin: (SINGING) BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT, KERMIT / BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT...

Kermit the Frog: (BIG COMICAL GULP) Really, Lurleen?

Miss Piggy: Hiii-ya!

Lisa Simpson: Hey Dad, that's the singer you used to manage!

Bart Simpson: (REMEMBERING) Oh, right. Dad was Colonel Homer and he wore that awesome suit and Lurleen wanted to bunk his brains out! (SCRATCHING CHIN) But I forget how Mom felt about it...

Homer Simpson: Kids, marriage is like a car. Along the way it has its bumps and dings, and this country can't make one that lasts more than five years. With Lurleen I just walked past the showroom and didn't even go inside. Now let's return to watching the news.

Kent Brockman: Ms. Lumpkin owed fifty thousand dollars in back taxes. With penalties, interest and the celebrity resentment tax, that sum has grown to twelve million dollars. However, she's been missing for several years, since her career went into a downward spiral.

Homer Simpson: I told her not to go into one of those.

Kent Brockman: The entire city is searching for her. Not for any reward, but for the pleasure of destroying someone they once admired.

Kent Brockman: Save some for me!

Nelson Muntz: Got her!

Nelson Muntz: Krusty?

Krusty the Clown: (PLEADING) I just wanna win one thing in my life!

Nelson Muntz: It's not real.

Krusty the Clown: Don't you dare ruin the moment!

Krusty the Clown: (SCOFFS) Look at those idiots. I bet Lurleen's a million miles away right now...

Lurleen Lumpkin: (RISING FROM BACKSEAT) Hey, Homer.

Lurleen Lumpkin: Shh! I'm more wanted than the last petal on a bloomin' onion.

Homer Simpson: Don't worry, you can stay with us. I'm sure Marge will be cool.

Marge Simpson: I'm taking you to your home, before you wreck mine!

Marge Simpson: (CONCERNED) You live here?

Lurleen Lumpkin: Bye, Marge.

Marge Simpson: (A LITTLE WORRIED) Well, at least she's got a friend.

Hobo: Your turn to clean the toilet.

Lurleen Lumpkin: (LOOKING AROUND) Where is it?

Hobo: You're holding it.

Marge Simpson: Get in!

Hobo: Oh, come on!

Lurleen Lumpkin: Thanks, Marge. Gee, after all that's passed between us, I mean... (SHAKES HEAD) Well, you're a bigger woman than I am.

Marge Simpson: (SNAPS) Are you calling me fat?

Lurleen Lumpkin: No, no, no! I'll just be quiet.

Bart Simpson: (DIGGING IN) Lurleen, this barbecue is delicious.

Lurleen Lumpkin: Oh, it's just a traditional southern recipe: ketchup, Coca cola, and fricasseed possum.

Lisa Simpson: Ew!

Lurleen Lumpkin: Just kiddin'. It's actually chicken.

Lisa Simpson: Double ew!

Bart Simpson: (TUCKING IN) Well I think it's wonderful. (SING-SONG) My diet starts tomor-row!

Marge Simpson: Listen, I'm sorry I called you all those mean things like, oh, I don't even remember...

Homer Simpson: Confederate degenerate?

Lisa Simpson: Southern-fried succubus?

Bart Simpson: Hee-Haw Ho?

Lurleen Lumpkin: Oh, that's all right, Marge. I'm just so grateful that y'all took me in and hid me from...

Chief Wiggum: Freeze, Patsy Crime!

Lou: Chief, you okay?

Chief Wiggum: (PAINED) Yeah, yeah.

Lou: Why'd you jump off the roof?

Chief Wiggum: I just wanted to be extraordinary.

Lurleen Lumpkin: Your honor, I would love to pay the money I owe, but country music changed, and I went out of style.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Objection! Speculating on the trajectory of trends in country music.

Judge Snyder: I'm going to allow it. Lurleen, the court orders you to make payments of a hundred dollars a week till such time as your music comes back in style or becomes appreciated for its camp value.

Judge Snyder: All right, what's the next case?

Bailiff: Judge, next we have a man who's suing his wife for not dressing sexy enough in "The Case Of The Horny Husband."

Judge Snyder: What the?

Bailiff: (EMBARRASSED) I thought if we acted like "The People's Court," some day we'd be "The People's Court." Well, a bailiff can dream, can't he?

Judge Snyder: No he can't. (SLAMS GAVEL)

Bart Simpson: I don't get it, Lurleen -- how did you lose all your money? Did it go up your nose? Between your toes?

Lurleen Lumpkin: (SHAKES HEAD) Sadly, no. Most of my money went to my ex-husbands.

Homer Simpson: Boy, you sure have married a lot of super-hunks.

Lurleen Lumpkin: Well, from now on, the only thing I'm gonna be married to is my work.

Lurleen Lumpkin: I've already accepted... (READING) "a high-octane job in the nightlife industry."

Moe Szyslak: All right, I need you to get the rats outta the jukebox, and clean the vomit out of the pool table pockets, and then you've got the job. Oh, and you've gotta share your tips with Manuel, who's actually me with a fake moustache.

Moe Szyslak: (SPANISH ACCENT) Ees good job, you should take it.

Carl Carlson: Say Lurleen, are you Jamaican? 'Cause "Jamaican" me crazy.

Lurleen Lumpkin: (MILD CHUCKLE) That's sweet, but I'm not lookin' to date.

Carl Carlson: (BACKING AWAY) No, I'm glad you said that. 'Cause you reminded me that I'm not looking to date, either. So... so great.

Lenny Leonard: Hey Lurleen, I'm going down to the rock quarry tonight to throw stones at the woodchucks. Wanna come?

Lurleen Lumpkin: No.

Lenny Leonard: (PLEASANT) It's okay, I understand.

Lenny Leonard: (TO SELF) Someone's lookin' at a snake in her mailbox.

Marge Simpson: She turned down Lenny... and Carl? That's like someone who doesn't like hamburgers or hotdogs. What could make her hate men like that?

Lurleen Lumpkin: (SINGS) I WAS CRYIN' IN MY CRADLE / WHEN MY DADDY HOPPED A TRAIN...

Lurleen Lumpkin: HE LEFT A HO-OLE IN MY HEART / AND FILLED IT UP WITH PAIN...

Lurleen Lumpkin: I KNOW NO AMOUNT OF LIQUOR...

Lurleen Lumpkin: WILL SOOTHE MY ACHIN' TICKER... /

Lurleen Lumpkin: 'CAUSE THE LONGIN' FOR MY DEADBEAT DADDY...

Lurleen Lumpkin: IS STILL PUMPIN' THROUGH MY VEINS.

Marge Simpson: So that's it. She's been burned by the most important man in her life... her father.

Homer Simpson: How could a man just abandon his family? By which I mean, what is the method he would use and could anyone do it? (NERVOUS LAUGH)

Homer Simpson: Where you going?

Marge Simpson: (DETERMINED) Lurleen Lumpkin has a hole in her heart, and I'm gonna fill it.

Marge Simpson: (DISCOURAGED SIGH) I've talked to over five hundred men named Lumpkin... everyone at Lumpkin, Lumpkin and Rosenthal Associates, an Asian or Pacific Islander named Cho Lum Kin...

Asian Man: Good luck in searchings!

Marge Simpson: ...but still no sign of Lurleen's dad!

Marge Simpson: Hello, are you (CONSULTS SHEET) Royce Lumpkin?

Royce: That's right.

Marge Simpson: The father of Lurleen Lumpkin?

Royce: (EMOTIONAL) Lurleen? I ain't seen my little girl in thirty years. She must be what, uh, twelve, thirteen by now?

Marge Simpson: She's thirty-four, and she's having a rough time!

Royce: (SIGHS) Oh man... I better whiskey up these corn flakes.

Marge Simpson: She needs to see you right away!

Royce: (SIGHS) Oh man... I better heroin up this orange juice.

Lurleen Lumpkin: (GASP) There's only one man who can hambone like that...Daddy!

Royce: Lurleen?! My goodness -- why you're the spittin' image of your mother's hotter sister!

Lurleen Lumpkin: Royce Lumpkin, where you been?

Royce: I've been a dang fool, that's where. (GETS DOWN ON KNEES) Can you forgive me, Lurleen? The way that I immediately forgave myself?

Lurleen Lumpkin: (STRUGGLES, THEN) I can, Daddy!

Marge Simpson: (ECSTATIC) I made that hug happen!

Homer Simpson: Wait a minute -- he's a deadbeat dad, and yet he's getting as much love as me, a Dad too lazy to run away!

Homer Simpson: And he has hair! (MOANS, THEN SADLY) Bart, get me my suicide axe.

Marge Simpson: No suicide axe!

Homer Simpson: (TO BART, SOTTO) Later.

Lurleen Lumpkin: You know what I like best about this t-shirt? I'll always be able to see your face.

Royce: Aww, well, you don't need a t-shirt for that, Tootsie Pop. 'Cause I ain't ever gonna leave you again.

Homer Simpson: Just sit still in my lap!

Lisa Simpson: What lap?

Bart Simpson: Yeah, all I see is a gut with knees!

Homer Simpson: Why you little--

Homer Simpson: (FURIOUS) Get back here so we can put our love on a shirt!

Homer Simpson: (OBLIVIOUS) What?

Homer Simpson: Lurleen's daddy comes back after thirty years and he's father of the year. Why can't I leave for thirty years?

Bart Simpson: Fine with me. Look, I packed you a bag.

Homer Simpson: Well... it might be cold outside.

Bart Simpson: No problem. I bought you a hat.

Homer Simpson: (PUTS ON HAT) Oh, I see. It's reverse psychology. Well in that case I'm not going and I'm not staying. And I'll cut my steak with a spoon, then take a walk on the ceiling.

Lurleen Lumpkin: Oh Daddy, you made me the happiest girl on whichever side of the Mississippi this is. (HOLDS UP SHEET MUSIC) And last night I wrote this song just for you.

Lurleen Lumpkin: (SINGS) THIRTY YEARS YOU MADE ME CRY / BUT NOW I SEE YOU AIN'T SUCH A BAD GUY / I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD SINCE THE LORD KNOWS WHEN...

Lurleen Lumpkin: (SINGS) AND I'M SURE YOU GOT A MILLION REASONS / FOR BEING GONE A HUNDRED-TWENTY SEASONS / MY DADDY'S BACK, AND I'M FEELIN' LIKE A DAUGHTER AGAIN /

Lurleen Lumpkin: YEAH, DADDY'S BACK AND I'M FEELIN' LIKE A DAUGHTER...

Bart Simpson: DADDY'S BACK AND SHE'S FEELIN' LIKE SHE OUGHTER!

Royce: (SINGS) DADDY'S BACK AND HE'S DRINKING BOTTLED WATER!

Lisa Simpson: (SINGS) KEEP IT DOWN, I'M READING "HARRY POTTER!"

Marge Simpson: (SINGS) MY BODY WASH IS ESTÉE LAUDER...

Royce: (SINGS, BIG FINISH) DADDY'S BACK AND I'M FEELIN' LIKE A DAUGHTER AGAIN!

Grampa Simpson: (SINGS) AND HERE COMES GRAMPA WITH AN OTTER!

Homer Simpson: Song's over, Dad.

Grampa Simpson: (SAD MOAN) I took three buses to get here.

Royce: (SOFTLY SINGING) DADDY'S A DEADBEAT / HE'S LEAVING HIS DAUGHTER AGAIN...

Marge Simpson: (SOTTO TO REST OF FAMILY) I'm really worried about Lurleen.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, me too. Since her father re-abandoned her, she's cut the word "pop" out of all of our foods.

Bart Simpson: You'd think a house full of crazy people would be fun. It's actually really depressing.

Lisa Simpson: Aw, cheer up, you've still got your talent, and that new song you wrote is gonna be a really big hit.

COUNTRY V.J.: (CASEY KASEM VOICE) Here's a new song that's rising faster than a rocket with a rocket up its butt. It's from the Dixie Chicks!

Natalie Maines: (SINGS) WE SAID SOME THINGS THAT CAME OUT WRONG / BUT NOW WE GOT A BRAND NEW SONG / 'CAUSE FREE SPEECH NEEDS CURTAILIN' NOW AND THEN... WE PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO FOX NEWS / PLEASE TAKE AWAY OUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE

Lurleen Lumpkin: (PUZZLED) Oh, that sounds just like my song.

Lurleen Lumpkin: But how could they have heard--

Lurleen Lumpkin: (GASP) Daddy!

Natalie Maines: AMERICA'S BACK AND WE'RE FEELING PATRI-OTTER AGAIN!

Dixie Chicks: AMERICA'S BACK

Natalie Maines: AND WE'RE FEELING PATRI-OTTER! FREEDOM'S A GERM

Dixie Chicks: AND WE'RE GLAD THAT WE CAUGHT 'ER!

Natalie Maines: LIBERTY HAS

Dixie Chicks: NEVER LOOKED HOTTER!

Natalie Maines: I USED TO LOVE

Dixie Chicks: "WELCOME BACK KOTTER". (BIG FINISH) AMERICA'S BACK AND WE'RE FEELING PATRI-OTTER AGAIN!

Emily Robison: Take it away, Royce!

Martie Maguire: (TO AUDIENCE) He wrote this song!

Lurleen Lumpkin: If you need me, I'll be... ah, who am I kidding? No one needs me.

Lurleen Lumpkin: (GASP) Colonel Homer!

Marge Simpson: And Major Marge!

Marge Simpson: Lurleen, you're giving your Dad too much power over the way you feel about yourself. Stop getting your self-esteem from the men in your life.

Lurleen Lumpkin: Well that's easy for you to say. You're married to a kind, thoughtful genius.

Marge Simpson: Uh, yeah...

Homer Simpson: (WHINY) Marge, my fringes are knotted again.

Marge Simpson: (TO LURLEEN) There's only one person in the world who can tell you what to do. And that person is right here!

Lurleen Lumpkin: Santa Claus?!

Marge Simpson: No, no, that's just our old Christmas decorations.

Lurleen Lumpkin: Me?!

Marge Simpson: Yes! It's time for you to take control of your own destiny. You're not a doormat, you're a door prize!

Lurleen Lumpkin: You're right, Marge.

Homer Simpson: And remember, you can do anything you want in the world of country music, western wear merchandising and TV movies. Regular movies, don't hold your breath. But TV movies, the sky's the limit.

Lurleen Lumpkin: Colonel, you're still my knight in white polyester.

Homer Simpson: Ten percent Lycra.

Lurleen Lumpkin: (IMPRESSED) Oh, I noticed.

Royce: Congratulations! That song I wrote you was so patriotic, they decided to make it into a Chevy commercial. So I... (SLYLY) changed a few lines.

Emily Robison: (SKEPTICAL) I don't know. You're asking us to sell out our song... and for what?

Royce: Cash money.

Dixie Chicks: (ENTHUSIASTIC NOISES) Money? We love money! / Really? That's great! / I'm gonna buy me a clock radio!

Lurleen Lumpkin: Royce Boss Hogg Lumpkin, you are a thief! A dirty, rotten, lowdown...

Lurleen Lumpkin: I think I can say it better with this.

Natalie Maines: No, no, no, don't hit him in the head! He needs that to think up our songs.

Lurleen Lumpkin: I'm Lurleen Lumpkin! And he stole your song from me!

Dixie Chicks: Whaaa?!

Royce: Okay, maybe I abandoned my daughter and stole her song, but I'm still the most honorable record producer y'all have ever met.

Emily Robison: Well, he's got us there.

Martie Maguire: Still, in human terms, he's deplorable.

Natalie Maines: Let's make guitar picks out of him!

Royce: Nooooo!

Royce: I'm droppin' you all as clients!

Lurleen Lumpkin: Oh I can't thank you guys enough. Now I'm opening for the Dixie Chicks and I may have just met husband number four.

Lurleen's Boyfriend: Babe, I need a hundred bucks for beer.

Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Ooo, I think he's a keeper.

Marge Simpson: Well, you're very welcome, Lurleen. Of all the women who've hit on Homer over the years, you're my favorite.

Lisa Simpson: Awww.

Marge Simpson: (SINISTER) If you ever come near Homer again, I'll strangle you with your own hair extensions. (OFF HER LOOK) That's right, I know.