Mall Announcer: (DRAMATIC) Ladies and gentlemen, the Springfield Mall in conjunction with Nostalgia Licensing Corp. is proud to present... the stars of "Bonanza!"

Indian #1: Thank you! I just wish Ben and Hoss and Little Joe and Hop-Sing and Sheriff Roy and all your favorites could be alive today to see this wonderful turn-out.

Indian #2: You know, on the series, we were always trying to kill the Cartwrights...

Indian #2: (BIG JOKE) ...but it looks like Father Time took care of that for us, right? Am I right, folks?

Bart Simpson: Oh, this sucks!

Marge Simpson: Weren't there three Indians last year?

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED GASP) Look, Marge! They opened a new high-tech gadget store! You love high-tech gadgets!

Marge Simpson: No, I don't.

Homer Simpson: (INSISTENT) Like bull you don't! Come on!

Marge Simpson: Homer, please, you're hurting my arm!

Homer Simpson: (CHEERFULLY) No, I'm not!

Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis, check out this space age toothbrush.

Lisa Simpson: That's an electric nostril groomer.

Marge Simpson: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a Soviet sub? A suede briefcase-case? Oh, anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems...

Homer Simpson: (GASP, EXCITED) Marge, look!

Homer Simpson: (READING SIGN) "The World's Best Jacket!" If I had this it would show everybody... (SEETHING WITH RAGE) show everybody!

Comic Book Guy: Yes, finally, I would like to return your quote-unquote "Ultimate Belt."

Wiseguy: (WISE GUY VOICE) I see. Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote "sir"?

Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek Convention. Although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-size belt.

Wiseguy: Whoa! Whoa! A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies.

Comic Book Guy: (FRUSTRATED SPUTTERING) Hey I... Oh...

Wiseguy: Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but uh, no receipt, no return.

Bart Simpson: I'll give you four bucks for it!

Comic Book Guy: (SIGH) Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Milhouse Van Houten: Wow! I bet if God wore pants, he'd have a belt like that!

Bart Simpson: This isn't a belt, it's a Tactical Pants-Retaining System. Check it out: (SHOWING OFF FEATURES) compass, matches, whistle, saw, panic button, squirrel snare, radon-slash-lie detector, sphygmomanometer... and it's even got turn signals!

Jimbo Jones: Hey, Simpson, wanna trade belts?

Bart Simpson: (NERVOUS) Well, not really... 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord...

Kearney Zzyzwicz: (TO JIMBO) Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord!

Jimbo Jones: (CALM) Get him.

JANEY: (SCOLDING) No running!

Bart Simpson: (PANTING) Time for a little evasive action...

Jimbo Jones: Hey, he's turnin' left!

Microchip Voice: Help. Help. Help. (ETC.)

Bart Simpson: (GRIMLY DETERMINED) I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but you guys asked for it...

Bart Simpson: (BEAT) (DESPERATE) Can't you read? Call the police!

Bart Simpson: Hey, Dad.

Homer Simpson: Lookin' good, son.

Homer Simpson: (CONCERNED) Hey, what happened to your belt?

Bart Simpson: Some bullies beat me up and took it.

Homer Simpson: Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start.

Bart Simpson: But then they'll just beat me up even worse.

Homer Simpson: (THOUGHTFULLY) Yesss, they are a clever bunch. (BEAT) I know, I'll squeal for you. To their parents.

Jimbo's Dad: That's for tellin' me how to raise my lousy kid!

Dolph's Dad: This is for the crummy life I've had to live! (THROWS ANOTHER PUNCH)

Homer Simpson: (STILL REASONABLE) The thing is -- oof! -- Bart really loves that belt and -- ugh!

Kearney's Dad: Hey, somethin's wrong with this guy! He's not fallin' down!

Moe Szyslak: Fun's over, fellas. If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.

Moe Szyslak: Jeez, Homer, I never seen a guy stand up to that kinda punishment -- I mean, you took a three-man poundin' and didn't ever fall down.

Homer Simpson: (GLUM) Big deal. I didn't even get my kid's belt back. The only thing a loser like me is good for is taking beatings.

Moe Szyslak: (EXCITED) There ya go! That's the spirit! Homer, I seen prizefighters couldn't take a punch half as good as you! (GETTING A BIG IDEA) Y'know, boxing might be right up your alley!

Homer Simpson: (PERKING UP) Really?

Moe Szyslak: Aw, please, it's the good life, Homer. Some of these boxers, they eat steak and lobster and salad bar all in a single meal!

Homer Simpson: (GASP OF AWE) Dressing?

Moe Szyslak: Their choice.

Homer Simpson: You really think I could do it?

Moe Szyslak: Well, I dunno, are you man enough to test every one of your limits?

Homer Simpson: Yes!

Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to throw a punch, should the opportunity arise?

Homer Simpson: Yes!

Moe Szyslak: ("THE CLINCHER") And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut?

Homer Simpson: YES!!

Moe Szyslak: I'll take it!!

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Moe Szyslak: Now, Homer, if I'm gonna manage your boxing career, I wantcha to have complete faith in me. C'mere, lemme show ya somethin'...

Homer Simpson: Wow! I've never been in here before!

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, well, when I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979, I turned it into an office.

Homer Simpson: You used to be a boxer just like me?

Moe Szyslak: Yep. They called me "Kid Gorgeous." Later on, it was "Kid Presentable." Then "Kid Gruesome." And finally, "Kid Moe."

Homer Simpson: (NOTICING SOMETHING) Hey, what's this?

Moe Szyslak: Aw, that -- that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I been meanin' to empty that out.

Homer Simpson: (GASP) You know Lucius Sweet? He's one of the biggest names in boxing! He's exactly as rich and as famous as Don King, and he looks just like him, too.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But somehow I just never made it to the big time.

Homer Simpson: Why not?

Moe Szyslak: 'Cause I got knocked out forty times in a row. That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics...

Homer Simpson: (IN BITTER AGREEMENT) Lousy Democrats.

Marge Simpson: (EXASPERATED MURMUR) Homer, of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. You're thirty-eight years old, you don't know how to box and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.

Homer Simpson: No problemo.

Marge Simpson: (CALLING AFTER HIM) A competent doctor!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Well, sir, you more than meet every one of this state's requirements to box, wrestle, or be shot out of a cannon.

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED MURMUR) That's what we get for living in a state founded by circus freaks.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson's Syndrome."

Homer Simpson: (DISTRAUGHT) Oh, why me?

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Don't worry, it's quite beneficial. Your brain is cushioned by a layer of fluid one eighth of an inch thicker than normal. It's almost as if you're wearing a football helmet inside your own head.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Why, I could wallop you all day with this surgical two-by-four without ever knocking you down. (LOOKS AT WATCH) But I have other appointments.

Moe Szyslak: All right, Homer, let's see the left.

Moe Szyslak: (DISMAYED) Oooo-kay... Let's see the right.

Homer Simpson: (WEARY PANTING) Just a second.

Moe Szyslak: When you're ready...

Homer Simpson: All right... Ready... Wait a minute... All right... Wait a minute... Just a sec...

Moe Szyslak: Okay, punching isn't your thing. But that's okay... you're not that kind of fighter. What you're gonna do is stand there while your opponent gets exhausted from overpunching.

Homer Simpson: Then I can just push him over.

Moe Szyslak: That's right. And if the ref's not looking, you can kick him a coupla times.

Moe Szyslak: Who's gonna knock you down?

Homer Simpson: No one.

Moe Szyslak: When are you gonna fight back?

Homer Simpson: Never.

Moe Szyslak: What are you gonna do?

Homer Simpson: Nothing.

Moe Szyslak: That's my boy.

Barney Gumble: Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage!

Moe Szyslak: Okay. You're fighting a guy named Boxcar Bob.

Homer Simpson: Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he?

Moe Szyslak: Uh, no. Not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.

Moe Szyslak: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did.

Homer Simpson: (TOUCHED) Gee, thanks, Moe... What's this?

Moe Szyslak: Aw, that's the barbed wire. Heh. We, uh, we called that "The Stinger." They... they don't let you use that no more.

Moe Szyslak: Now, no matter how much he hits you, you don't do nothin', okay? You don't wanna get drawn into a boxing match here.

Bart Simpson: Way to go, Dad! Take those punches!

Lenny Leonard: Man, that tramp's got the energy of a hobo!

Carl Carlson: Yeah, he never stops punching... 'cept to check on his bindle.

Moe Szyslak: Okay, Homer, he's tired! He's tired! Now's your chance! Nudge him! Nudge him!

LUCIUS: Hello, Moe. Delightful to see you again.

Moe Szyslak: (AWED) Lucius! Hey, what's a glitterati like you doin' in my dump? I--I thought you were managing the Champ.

LUCIUS: Yes, managing Drederick has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated for pushing his mother down the stairs. But with his impending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the shores of fistiana.

Moe Szyslak: Uh, what?

LUCIUS: (BEAT) His comeback fight. You know, boxing.

Moe Szyslak: Oh, oh, man. Yeah, well, who's donatin' his body for that one? Huh?

LUCIUS: Well, word is you manage a stalwart young pugilist who cannot be knocked down.

Moe Szyslak: (INCREDULOUS) Homer? You want Homer to fight Tatum?

LUCIUS: Well, the fans are weary of fights that are over before they have an opportunity to even get drunk. I just need a body who can sustain verticality for three rounds.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah. But Homer's no boxer, he-- he's just a freak. Tatum'll fustigate him!

LUCIUS: Well, fustigation aside, Moe, you've got a choice: you can either sit here in the ladies room with your faded memories, or you can take your last shot at the big time. (DRAMATIC) And I can make it happen.

LUCIUS: Three rounds, that's all I ask.

Moe Szyslak: I gotta be honest with ya, Homer. I didn't bring you up here to show you my new tar-paper.

Homer Simpson: (NAIVELY) You... didn't?

Moe Szyslak: No. Homer, how would you like to be Heavyweight Champion of the World?

Homer Simpson: Uh, sure.

Moe Szyslak: Great. All you gotta do is fight Drederick Tatum. It's this Saturday. Here's your parking pass.

Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Ooh, "General!" (BEAT) Who's Drederick Tatum, anyway? Is he another hobo?

Moe Szyslak: (EVASIVE) Uh, you know what? I'm gonna have to check on that...

Homer Simpson: Well, I trust you, Moe. If you say I can beat this guy, then he doesn't stand a chance.

Drederick Tatum: (MIKE TYSON VOICE) (QUIETLY) Hey, guys, c'mon, shut up!

Prisoners: (WHISPERS) We'll keep it down. / Sorry, Champ. / It was Jerry. / We didn't know you were here. / Sorry.

Questioner #1: Champ! Champ! Do you feel remorse for your crime?

Drederick Tatum: Oh, yes, believe me, my God, if I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair pushing, I would certainly reconsider it.

Questioner #2: Drederick, uh, what do you think of Homer Simpson?

Drederick Tatum: I think he's a good man, I like him, I got nothing against him. But I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children.

Questioner #3: Uh, y'know, they do have a mother, Champ...

Drederick Tatum: Yes, but I would imagine that she would die of grief.

LUCIUS: Thank you, thank you, but the Champ has no time for further queries. This parole hearing is over.

Marge Simpson: Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Drederick Tatum?

Homer Simpson: (GULP) (THEN, COVERING:) Uh, well... I was gonna surprise you, but, um... happy anniversary, baby!

Marge Simpson: Have you lost your mind?!

Homer Simpson: Aw, c'mon, I'll make a fortune for one night's work! We could have all the things we always dreamed of: a snooty butler, carpeted car ports, those blue cupcakes they sell sometimes --

Marge Simpson: But you'll get killed!

Homer Simpson: (IMPATIENT) Marge, will you let me finish? ...Plug-in room deodorizers, front and rear spoilers for the car --

Lisa Simpson: Mom's right, Dad. The odds against you winning are a thousand to one.

Homer Simpson: Well, I don't think it's that unlikely.

Lisa Simpson: (CONSULTS NEWSPAPER) Those are the odds they're giving in Vegas.

Homer Simpson: (BEAT) All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today.

Announcer: Society put Drederick Tatum away for his brutal crime. But he's paid his debt, and now he's going to get revenge... on Homer Simpson.

Grampa Simpson: (TO MAGGIE) (BABY TALK) That's your dad-dy!

T-shirt Vendor: Get yer T-shirts! Tell 'em where you've been by wearing a T-shirt! (ETC.)

Bart Simpson: You'll be okay, Dad. Just make sure he hits you an even number of times so you don't end up with amnesia.

Marge Simpson: Moe, I'm so glad I found you. Please promise me you won't let Homer get hurt.

Moe Szyslak: (DEFENSIVE) Hey, hey, hey! I'm not the villain here, okay? If Homer gets killed in the ring tonight, it'll be because of your negative attitude! There, I said it.

Marge Simpson: (FIRMLY) Listen to me. The instant that Homer's in any kind of danger, I want you to throw in this towel and stop the fight.

Moe Szyslak: All right, all right, all right! I promise! Okay?

Marge Simpson: (SIGH OF RELIEF) Thank you.

Marge Simpson: Celebrities at ringside tonight: star of the "McBain" action films and featured player in the Hollywood prostitution scandal, Rainier Wolfcastle; TV anchorman and Springfield institution, Mr. Kent Brockman.

Kent Brockman: (TO CROWD) This just in: go to hell!

Michael Buffer: From the world of organized crime, say hello to Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico.

Michael Buffer: ... and the ruiner of events worldwide: title fights, the Super Bowl, and the Nixon Funeral, ladies and gentlemen -- The Fan Man.

Krusty the Clown: Aw, cripes. Now I gotta comb this side over. (COMBS OVER OTHER SIDE)

Moe Szyslak: All right, Homer, I'm not going to lie to you: there's a good chance you can beat Tatum. But you gotta visualize how you're going to win, okay?

Homer Simpson: Gotcha.

Sportscaster: A congenital heart defect has apparently felled Tatum, moments before he could step into the ring.

Michael Buffer: And now, please welcome back into decent society... Ladies and gentlemen, The Heavyweight Champion of the World, Drederick Tatum!

Michael Buffer: And to challenge the irresistible force of Tatum, we have "The Immovable Object!" He's been called "The Brick Hithouse" and is also known as "The Southern Dandy" -- Ho-mer Simp-son!

LUCIUS: Your boy looks a little soft, Moe. You do remember our arrangement?

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, don't worry. You'll get your three rounds!

LUCIUS: Stupendous. Because if he goes down before that bell rings, your future's going with him.

Moe Szyslak: (MATTER-OF-FACT) Okey-doke, future down the crapper. Gotcha.

Michael Buffer: Due to popular demand, we will forgo our national anthem. And now, Ladies and gentlemen, LET'S GET READY TO RUM-BLE!!!

Homer Simpson: (TO HIMSELF) Okay, Homer, nothing to be worried about... just--

Bart Simpson: Wow! I've never seen Dad hit somebody like that before!

Lisa Simpson: What are you talking about?

Bart Simpson: Isn't Dad the one in the black trunks?

Lisa Simpson: No.

Bart Simpson: Uh-oh.

Marge Simpson: (TRYING TO SEE) What? What?! What am I missing? What?

Michael Buffer: ... And there's Tatum showboating for the crowd...

Moe Szyslak: (QUEASILY) Aw, jeez, only six seconds in... (YELLS) Attaboy, Homer! Keep dancin'!

Michael Buffer: Showing utter disdain for his opponent's abilities, Tatum is taking a short mid-round breather to converse with actor Charlie Sheen.

Drederick Tatum: You know what's great there is the sea bass. They do it blackened or sautéed. It's stupendous.

Referee: Okay, break it up. Break it up, you two.

Marge Simpson: (CALLING, PANICKED) Homer! Homer, he's not going to get tired! You've got to hit him back! Hit him back!

Homer's Brain: (SLIGHTLY SLURRED) That cactus is right. (RALLYING, HEAD CLEARING) I've only got one chance. I got to knock him out.

Moe Szyslak: Hang in there, Homer! Only 440 more seconds! (TURNS TO GRAMPA, MATTER-OF-FACT) He's getting his second wind.

Grampa Simpson: No, he's getting killed! He's gonna die on his feet!

Moe Szyslak: I can't watch this. (BEAT) I gotta get out of here!

Marge Simpson: (CALLING) Somebody stop the fight! Where's the doctor?!

Dr. Nick Riviera: Kill him! Kill him!

Michael Buffer: It looks like it's all over. Tatum wants to finish this with one punch. And here it comes...

Michael Buffer: Oh, my God! Simpson's manager has flown into the ring and is airlifting him out! Ladies and gentlemen, whatever dignity remained in boxing is literally flying out the window!

Homer Simpson: (GROGGY) Are you an angel?

Moe Szyslak: Yes, Homer, I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farah slacks.

Homer Simpson: But you stopped the fight. Won't everyone be mad at you?

Moe Szyslak: Ah, let 'em be mad. The only thing that matters to me is, you're safe.

Moe Szyslak: Sorry.

Drederick Tatum: Homer, your manager obviously loves you very much. (TURNS TO LUCIUS) Lucius, would you do that for me?

LUCIUS: Absolutely I would. Now get in the van.

LUCIUS: You couldn't even give me one lousy round, Moe! You will always be a loser! Now take your check for a hundred thousand dollars and get out of my sight.

Moe Szyslak: I don't need your stinkin' money!

Marge Simpson: Oh, Homie, are you okay?

Homer Simpson: I can't remember where we parked.

Marge Simpson: Oh, that's all right. We'll just wait until everyone else leaves.

Bart Simpson: I got your tooth, Dad!

Homer Simpson: Eh, not mine. (TOSSES IT AWAY)

Marge Simpson: Thank you, Moe. I know you gave up your dreams for Homer.

Moe Szyslak: Well, what do dreams matter, Marge? I was able to stick up for a pal.

Moe Szyslak: Well, so long, Springfield...

Homer Simpson: Where are you going?

Moe Szyslak: Oh, nowheres in particular. I just need some time to think.

Fan Man: (AD LIB CURSES) Hey, there you are... Gimme that contraption back... You said you were only takin' it for five minutes...