C. Montgomery Burns: All right, next on my shopping list...a new phone!

Store Announcer: Attention shoppers: iPhones now twenty cents.

Waylon Smithers: What happened to that mini-cell phone I gave you, sir?

C. Montgomery Burns: Ooh, I thought that was a lemon drop.

Waylon Smithers: (EFFICIENT) I'll go get the number de-listed.

C. Montgomery Burns: Well, well. What have we here?

C. Montgomery Burns: (CHUCKLES) Why do I need another penny? I have billions. (THINKS) Still, if I don't take it, that hoodlum over there might.

C. Montgomery Burns: (TO PENNY) All right penny, prepare to be pinched!

C. Montgomery Burns: Come to papa!

C. Montgomery Burns: Help... me! Help... me! Help... me!

Mr. Burns's Thoughts: I guess this is the end. (WISTFUL) I just wish I'd spent more time at the office.

Homer Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED) Hey, you're not a penny.

C. Montgomery Burns: (COUGHS UP WATER, THEN:) You saved my life. There must be something I can do for you...

Homer's Brain: A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!

C. Montgomery Burns: You're getting a free dinner...

C. Montgomery Burns: ...with...

C. Montgomery Burns: ...me!

Homer Simpson: "Me?" But that's you!

C. Montgomery Burns: I'll pick you up at five tomorrow. (TURNS TO PENNY, DETERMINED) And I'll pick you up right now.

C. Montgomery Burns: Got it!

Homer Simpson: Uh-huh. See you at five then.

Homer Simpson: Dinner with Mr. Burns! What a waste of my precious, precious Saturday night.

Bart Simpson: Hey Dad, have fun with your boyfriend.

Homer Simpson: (DEFENSIVE) He is not my boyfriend!

C. Montgomery Burns: So Simpson, I hear you like pizza pie.

Homer Simpson: (BRIGHTENING) I do.

Homer Simpson: My favorite is Chicago deep dish.

C. Montgomery Burns: Chicago, eh? Well what if I took us there now?

Homer Simpson: Drive to Chicago? I don't have time for that. I have to be back at work on Monday. And my boss is a total jerk.

C. Montgomery Burns: Who said anything about drive?

Homer Simpson: A P-P-P-P-P-Private jet!

C. Montgomery Burns: Now, would you care for some sushi?

Homer Simpson: (SARCASTIC) Yeah, but I'm on a plane, idiot.

Flight Attendant: My name is Svetlana. But you can call me "Hey, Baby".

C. Montgomery Burns: And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. (WINKS, THEN:) Anything except sex. And I do mean anything. (WINKS)

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) I'm aroused and confused.

Itchy: Sorry, everyone. Air traffic control says we have to spend another three hours on the tarmac.

Scratchy: (SCREAMS) Nooooo!

Homer Simpson: (SINCERE) This is wonderful.

C. Montgomery Burns: Now, why don't you listen to the musical stylings of Mr. Lionel Richie.

Homer Simpson: Oh my God... (MORE EXCITED) Lionel Richie?! Can you sing "Say You Say me," but make it about beer?

Lionel Richie: Sure, I guess. (SINGS) HEY YOU, BEER ME / BEER ME FOR ALWAYS, THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE / HEY YOU, BEER ME / BEER US TOGETHER, NATURALLY

Homer Simpson: (DELIGHTED LAUGH) Now make every word "beer."

Homer Simpson: (SINGS) BEER BEER, BEER BEER / BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER...

Homer Simpson: Um, wait, I forgot the words.

Flight Attendant: (WAVING TO HOMER) Love you.

Homer Simpson: No! If I leave the plane, I'll be just like everyone else! (CRIES)

Pilot: Ground control, this is November five four three Charlie. We're gonna need the extractor.

Homer Simpson: (SAD MOAN) I wanna be back on the plane.

C. Montgomery Burns: We'll be back before you know it. (SURPRISED NOISE)

Homer Simpson: Svetlana! Svetlana!

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh hush! Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada -- Chicago!

Improv Actor: Okay folks, for our first improv, we're gonna need an occupation.

C. Montgomery Burns: Billionaire!

Improv Actor: Nice job -- where do I apply?

Improv Actor: Now I need a location.

Homer Simpson: I came to relax -- you think of it!

Improv Actor: I heard "a Starbucks... in Siberia!"

Audience: (ANTICIPATORY OOOHS) / Killer premise!

Improv Actor: Finally, an emotion.

Homer Simpson: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Drunk!

Improv Actor: Okay, "drunk." And now we take you to a drunken billionaire, at a Starbucks in Siberia.

Improv Actor: (DRUNK) Uh, excuse me -- I need a -- I need a coffee -- can you change a billion-dollar bill?

Improv Actress: (SCOFFING - RETAKE MAY NOT BE REQUIRED) Our coffee costs a billion dollars. This is Starbucks! (REMEMBERING) In Siberia!

Homer Simpson: (TO CROWD) Why are you applauding them? We wrote it!

Man In Crowd: While you were here, we felt like New York!

Homer Simpson: I'm so happy!

Marge Simpson: (SNIFFS) Homer, you smell like Chicago. Did you fly there on a commercial airline?

Homer Simpson: No way -- commercial is for losers and terrorists! I flew on a private plane.

Marge Simpson: Wow. Is it much different from a normal plane?

Homer Simpson: Please tell me you're joking -- it's the difference between champagne and carbonated pee.

Marge Simpson: Homie, what's wrong?

Homer Simpson: I had it all for one night. Now for the rest of my life I'll know what I'm missing. And all I have to remember it by is that my ears haven't popped. Well, I'll make sure that I never yawn again.

Ned Flanders: Hey Homer!

Lisa Simpson: Hi, Dad.

Homer Simpson: "High?" High like a private plane? (MOANS) The kind I'll never be invited to ride on again.

Man: That's where you're wrong, Homer.

Homer Simpson: (SHORT SCREAM) A fresh face!

Marge Simpson: This is Colby Krause. I hired him to help you improve your life. He'll get you back on a private plane in no time!

Homer Simpson: No way. I don't need any shrink, therapist, counselor, motivational speaker or "guru".

Colby: I'm a life coach.

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED) Oh, tell me more!

Colby: (EXASPERATED NOISE) The first step in self-improvement is to take a thorough look at your life.

Homer Simpson: If you're gonna film me, I insist on a body double.

Bart Simpson: Is Uncle Fester still alive?

Homer Simpson: The camera's not on yet, right?

Colby: No.

Colby: Okay, now I just want you to do what you normally do.

Homer Simpson: Okay. (BEAT) Uh... well uh... hm, I just uh. I forget what I do.

Homer Simpson: Wait, wait. Uh, this is some of what I do, I think. (BEAT) Sometimes I go places.

Homer Simpson: This is our relish tray. I'd like you to film it for insurance purposes.

Homer Simpson: What's the point of putting my socks on? I just have to take them off again a week later.

Colby: Homer, before you even head out the door in the morning, you're already a loser.

Homer Simpson: (SURLY) Fine, I'll show you a winner, just you watch.

Homer Simpson: Think positive. Think positive.

Homer Simpson: You were saying...

Colby: Homer, your journey downstairs would've been a lot safer if you'd remembered the N.D.C.'s of concentration: Never Don't Concentrate.

Homer Simpson: Will you shut up? I can't hear the song in my head!

Bart Simpson: Do you wanna get a reaction shot of his ass?

Colby: No, but we should get some background noise.

Colby: Everyone quiet for four seconds. (FOUR SECONDS PASS) Thank you, people. Moving on.

Colby: Here's an important tip: stop doing that.

Homer Simpson: (DOWNCAST) I've really enjoyed paying you to yell at me and say I suck. But it's no use -- I'm a hopeless loser and always will be.

Carl Carlson: Homer, you're up!

Homer Simpson: (CONFIDENT) This I can do!

Homer Simpson: (BOASTFUL) Behold my two-seventeen average... and weep!

Homer Simpson: (SAD) As I said, I've lost all hope.

Colby: Homer, here in the bowling alley, you're a totally different man: relaxed, confident...

Homer Simpson: (BORED) Is this going somewhere?

Colby: What we have to do is figure a way to make "bowling alley Homer" into "everyday Homer".

Lenny Leonard: I have an aunt who became an uncle. Is it like that?

Colby: (IGNORING HIM, TO HOMER) I want you to wear those bowling shoes out the door and everywhere you go. It's crazy, but it just might work.

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED) Dr. Fredrick J. Waxman, you're a genius!

Colby: That's not my name.

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED) I wasn't talking to you.

Colby: Homer, your shoe attitude is bowling people over. These are letters from companies interested in interviewing you!

Homer Simpson: How many of those have private planes?

Colby: This one.

Homer Simpson: (PULLS OUT LETTER, READS) Handyman's Choice Copper Tubing?

Colby: They need a safety inspector to fly between their North American plants.

Homer Simpson: (DETERMINED) I'm gettin' that job. Bart, I'll need some clean urine. Stat.

Colby: Now to make sure you're motivated to get this job, you have to quit your old one. I'll call your boss right now.

Waylon Smithers: I'll get it, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Just set it to voice mail.

The Rich Texan: You here for the safety inspector job?

Homer Simpson: Well, I can see the position of handsomest C.E.O. is already taken.

The Rich Texan: (HEARTY LAUGH) I like you already. (TO SECRETARY) If you can write your name so I can read it, you're in.

Homer Simpson: (BURSTS IN) I got the job!

Lisa Simpson: Yay, Dad!

Bart Simpson: We knew you could do it!

Lisa Simpson: Good luck on your first day, Dad.

Bart Simpson: Give 'em hell, Homer.

Marge Simpson: We're all so proud of you, sweetie.

Homer Simpson: I'm gonna get there early, so I can get in good with the lunch truck guy.

Marge Simpson: Find out if he has a wife! We could double date!

Bart Simpson: (CALLING AFTER HIM) Yay, Dad!

Lisa Simpson: (CALLING AFTER HIM) You're our hero!

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Can I help you?

Homer Simpson: Uh, yeah -- I have no job and nowhere to go. What do I have to buy so I can sit here all day?

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Well, with a coffee you can stay till lunch. Then you have to order a solid.

Homer Simpson: One small coffee, please. And a dozen of those placemats with the maze on it.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: They're all the same maze.

Homer Simpson: (SHRUGS) Somebody's gotta do 'em.

Homer Simpson: (TO SELF) Look happy.

Marge Simpson: So, how was your first day at your new job?

Homer Simpson: (CHIPPER) Oh, it was great! Flew to Tulsa on the company jet. Did my job in a way consistent with what I already told you. Because that's what you do. When you have a job.

Lisa Simpson: I'm so proud of you, Dad!

Homer Simpson: Stop peppering me with questions!

Milhouse Van Houten: Principal Skinner, why did we have to leave the Learn and Touch Reptile Zoo so early?

Seymour Skinner: (POINTED, TO OTTO) Well, it seems someone was riding the giant tortoise naked.

Otto Mann: It's not my fault, the drinking fountain dared me to do it.

Nelson Muntz: (DELIGHTED HORROR) Freak fry!

Milhouse Van Houten: Look out! If it touches you, you die of suicide!

Milhouse Van Houten: Don't do it! Don't do it!

Bart Simpson: (PUZZLED) Dad?

Bart Simpson: I know it's you, Homer.

Bart Simpson: Why aren't you at your new job?

Homer Simpson: Well, explanation-wise, the fact is that... (SADLY) I lied. I didn't get the job. You see when I got there...

Homer Simpson: So she said that's not my "in box" and he said that's not the Johnson Report!

The Rich Texan: (BIG LAUGH) You sure know how to repeat the joke I just told ya. (LAUGHS) But as a formality I must ask: do you know anything about copper tubing?

Homer Simpson: Um... um...c'mon, say "you're hired"!

The Rich Texan: No.

Homer Simpson: (WHINY) Say it!

The Rich Texan: (MOUTH BEING STRETCHED) Leave your resume with Cheryl!

Homer Simpson: Say it!

The Rich Texan: (MOUTH BEING STRETCHED) Security! Security!

Homer Simpson: Stop saying "security"!

The Rich Texan: (ADLIB STRUGGLING NOISES) C'mon, just gimme the...

Homer Simpson: (SAD) I couldn't bear to tell your mother, so I hang out here all day.

Bart Simpson: But Dad, you've gotta tell her. She's been buying brand-name groceries.

Homer Simpson: Brands like "Miser's Choice" and "Day-Old Delights?"

Bart Simpson: No, things rich people buy, like Campbell's Soup and Pepsodent.

Marge Simpson: Hello?

Homer Simpson: (SAD) Honey, there's something I have to tell you...

Marge Simpson: (GASPS) It's bad news, isn't it? I should never get my hopes up. Nothing ever works out for us.

Homer Simpson: No, it's, uh... good news!

Marge Simpson: Really?

Homer Simpson: We're manufacturing a new pipe diameter, five-eighths inch. The company wants you and me to take the private plane to New York for the premiere! So meet me at Shelbyville Airport in an hour.

Homer Simpson: If I'm gonna tell that woman the truth, I'm gonna do it in the one place no one can ever be sad.

Homer Simpson: Okay, so this should be enough money to get me up in the air, have a frank talk with Marge then maybe eat a devilled egg.

Pilot: Well, anything for a fellow marine.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, uh... semper fudge!

Pilot: Uh, did you just say "semper fudge"?

Homer Simpson: No, I said the right thing.

Marge Simpson: Look at this business center -- fax, Wi-Fi, teleconferencing capabilities... I'm gonna remember this day for the rest of my life!

Homer Simpson: (UNEASY) Honey... don't try to remember the whole day. Just what you're feeling this second.

Marge Simpson: Sweetheart, what do you mean?

Homer Simpson: Marge... I've gotta be honest...

Marge Simpson: What was that?

Homer Simpson: (PUZZLED) I don't know. Maybe we flew through a rainbow.

Pilot: I didn't think I would be flying today so I was doing heroin. (PASSES OUT)

Marge Simpson: Homie, what are you doing? You don't know how to fly!

Homer Simpson: I drove a car over a cliff once. How different could it be?

Homer Simpson: Hm, what's the ocean doing in the sky?

Marge Simpson: (CONCERNED NOISE) There's only one man who could help us now.

Colby: Hello, and welcome to success.

Marge Simpson: It's Marge Simpson. I need you to coach like you've never coached before.

Colby: Marge please, I'm with a client.

Marge Simpson: Now you listen here, Bub. We paid you all the savings we had in the world. You could at least tell my husband something encouraging.

Colby: All right, Homer. What is it you're attempting to do? Win over a difficult client?

Homer Simpson: I'm trying to land a plane with no experience.

Colby: (SHORT BEAT, THEN:) Homer, I've gotta tell you, I'm not very good. I went to the Harvard of the South.

Homer Simpson: Duke? That's good.

Colby: Not Duke.

Homer Simpson: Vanderbilt?

Colby: A little further south. Don't make me say it.

Duffman: Duffman has reported you to the F.A.A. This near-miss will be investigated by a board of three retired pilots.

Colby: Okay, Homer. I don't know anything about planes, but I know about you. You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power, and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you. So you'll land that plane. And do you know why? Because I heard some guy say you couldn't.

Homer Simpson: (FURIOUS) What? I'll show him. I'll show that guy!

Plane Computer: Elevation three hundred feet... two hundred feet... fifty--

Marge Simpson: Homer, you did it! You landed a jet!

Homer Simpson: (SMUG) And now, to taxi to the terminal.

Homer Simpson: Marge, flying in private jets is great and all, but it's just too dangerous. That's why I've decided to go to the plant and beg Mr. Burns for my old job back.

Marge Simpson: I understand, Homie. (KISSES HIM)

Lisa Simpson: And at least we can take the extra income you've earned in the last few months and set it aside for a rainy day.

Homer Simpson: You'd think so, but no.

Pilot: Mr. Richie, your American Music Awards are weighing us down! Let them go!

Lionel Richie: You let yours go!

Pilot: I don't have any.

Lionel Richie: (TRIUMPHANT) That's right, you don't! (SMUG LAUGH)