Homer Simpson: (GROGGY) Snooze... need more snooze. (FALLING ASLEEP SOUND)

Marge Simpson: Num num, Maggie. Num num.

Homer Simpson: Did somebody say num num? (GRABS A MUFFIN AND EATS IT)

Marge Simpson: (WEARY MURMUR) I can't get Maggie to eat. Maybe if you try...

Homer Simpson: Oh, I'm twenty-six hours late for work. No time for Maggie.

Homer Simpson: Oooh, where's Waldo?

Homer Simpson: Nope. Nope. This would be a lot easier without all these people. Nope. Nope. (HOPEFUL GASP, THEN) It's there-- Uh, nope.

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: Waldo, where are you?!

Dj: (ON RADIO) And it is a nightmare out there on the freeways today, with surface streets jammed and the sidewalks filled with pushy New Yorkers.

New Yorker: (TO MOLEMAN) Hey! How'd you like a "Details" magazine up the wazoo?

Homer Simpson: Oh sure. Single me out.

Chief Wiggum: All right, smart guy. Where's the fire?

Homer Simpson: (POINTS) Over there.

Chief Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 3-17: pointing out police stupidity. (STARTS WRITING TICKET) Or is that a 3-14? Nah, nah, a 3-14 is a dog, ah in... no, or is that a 3-15? (TO HOMER) You're in trouble, pal.

Homer Simpson: Heh, heh. I'd hate to see the look on ol' Burnsie's face if he knew I was just gettin' in. Hee hee.

Homer Simpson: (EXPLORING SOUNDS) Mmm, who is that? Big ugly nose... bald... liver spot... liver spot... Mmmm.

C. Montgomery Burns: Turn around, Simpson.

Homer Simpson: (SHRIEKS, DROPS DENTURES) No! I can't get in trouble if I can't see you.

Waylon Smithers: I'm afraid he's got us, sir.

Homer Simpson: (RELIEVED SIGH) Safe in the core. And now...

Waylon Smithers: Don't forget the leg protectors, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Ah, yes.

C. Montgomery Burns: I knew I had those installed for a reason.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) This is the worst day ever.

Lenny Leonard: Hey Homer, what gives?

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) Mr. Burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste.

Carl Carlson: Geez, that's rough. There must be two, three hundred gallons in here.

Lenny Leonard: Yeah, and even a teaspoon could cause a fatal tumor.

Carl Carlson: (BEAT) Hey, you wanna come bowling with us tonight?

Homer Simpson: Okay.

Marge Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Hello? Homer? Where are you? You promised you were going to have a tea party with Maggie.

Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge, I'm sorry. I can't make it.

Homer Simpson: The cooling tank just blew and they're taking Lenny to the hospital.

Marge Simpson: Oh no, not Lenny. Not Lenny!

Homer Simpson: Yeah, so I'm going to have to work late, instead of seeing you and the kids, which is what I really want.

Marge Simpson: (STILL IN SHOCK) Okay, sure.

Marge Simpson: Kids, turn off the TV. (CHOKING UP) I have some bad news about Lenny.

Lisa Simpson: Not Lenny!

Lenny Leonard: (GIGGLES) Hey, Carl. Check out the overhead scoreboard.

Carl Carlson: Poo. Uh, Homer, what wacky name do you want?

Homer Simpson: Are poo and ass taken?

Carl Carlson: Yeah.

Homer Simpson: Damn! Could my life get any worse?!

Burns Ball: Simpson! (DISGUSTED SOUND) Even for a bowler, you're fat!

Homer Simpson: Hey, guys. Is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball?

Lenny Leonard: Uhh, actually, I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.

Homer Simpson: (FRUSTRATED SOUND) What a rotten day!

Lenny Leonard: Wow, a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?

Milhouse Van Houten: (PAINED SOUND) You're polishing bone!

Lenny Leonard: Hey, Homer. That's four strikes in a row. You got a perfect game going!

Homer Simpson: Really?

Carl Carlson: Careful what you say, Lenny. You'll jinx it.

Lenny Leonard: (APOLOGETIC) Oh, right. Sorry.

Lenny Leonard: (CALLING) Miss! (LOUDER) Miss!

Lenny Leonard: Sorry, I was calling the waitress.

Lenny Leonard: (HOLDING UP BANANA SPLIT) Ah, this split you sold me is making me choke.

Homer Simpson: (QUIET ANGER) Lenny...

Lenny Leonard: What? I paid seven-ten for this split.

Carl Carlson: Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad?

Lenny Leonard: Hey, spare me your gutter mouth.

Lenny Leonard: Ow!

Homer Simpson: Practice ball! Practice ball!

Homer Simpson: Real real real real real!

Homer Simpson: (PUMPS FIST) Woo hoo!

Krusty the Clown: Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty Brand Chew-Goo gum-like substance.

Krusty the Clown: We knew it contained spider eggs, but the Hantavirus, well, that really came out of left field.

Krusty the Clown: So if any of you have experienced numbness, or comas, send proof of purchase and five dollars to...

Krusty the Clown: "ANTIDOTE, P.O. BOX 14..."

Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman live from Barney's Bowlarama, where local "pin-head" Homer Simpson is on the verge of a perfect game.

Lisa Simpson: Hey, there was no accident at the plant. Dad just wanted to go bowling!

Marge Simpson: He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay.

Kent Brockman: This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield, which proves just how pitiful this town is.

Kent Brockman: (TURNING, DERISIVE SOUND) Morons.

Crowd: Ho-mer! Ho-mer! Ho-mer!

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! I'm ten pins away from perfection.

Marge Simpson: (TO KIDS) Now listen, your father really needs to concentrate. So we'll just stay here and not disturb him.

Homer Simpson: Why won't they come over? I'm so lonely.

Kent Brockman: This is it, folks. The ball that will determine whether Homer Simpson rolls a perfect game or a pathetic two-ninety-something.

Grampa Simpson: Yay! Yay!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: What's wrong, Abe?

Grampa Simpson: (PUMPING FIST SLOWLY) This is as fast as I move now.

Homer Simpson: Get down, get down, get down!

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! This is the greatest day of my life!

Marge Simpson: You did it, Homie!

Homer Simpson: In your face, to-do list!

Crowd: Ho-mer! Ho-mer!

Homer Simpson: (QUIETING THEM) Thank you! Thank you! But there was someone else with me on that alley. (POINTS HEAVENWARD) I'm talkin' about the big man, (POINTS TO SIDE) Carl.

Carl Carlson: (TOUCHED) Aw, can the corn, bonehead.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Children, today's Local Hero is Homer Simpson.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Mr. Simpson bowled a perfect game without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust, or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling.

Homer Simpson: Thank you, Bart's teacher. You know, kids, my teachers said I would never amount to anything. And until last week, they were dead right. But now I've achieved perfection.

Homer Simpson: (TO CLASS) Any questions?

Homer Simpson: Yes, Bart's weird friend.

Milhouse Van Houten: Will you be my Dad?

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) You've got a father. He's just a dud.

Homer Simpson: Next question.

Homer Simpson: (POINTING) Yes, the girl Bart has a crush on.

Sherri Mackleberry: Do you think I could grow up to be a doctor?

Homer Simpson: (CONFUSED) Hey, this was supposed to be about me. Now, any other questions? (POINTING AT DIFFERENT KIDS) Pumpkin face? Headgear? Chicken pox? Smelly? Lazy eye? (POINTING AT BART) Spikey head? (SEEING NO QUESTIONS) Okay, class dismissed. Rock on!

Kids: Hurray! / Yayyy! / Woooo!

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Wanna split the birthday cupcakes?

Announcer: Live from Shelbyville, it's the Springfield Squares! Featuring our new center square, Homer "Perfect Game" Simpson!

Ron Howard: (PAINED SOUNDS, THEN) There's a stairway, dumbass!

Kent Brockman: (LAUGHS) Okay, we'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stu.

Disco Stu: Disco Stu's gonna groove up some dough playin' Tic Tac Toe!

Kent Brockman: (COVERING MIC, TO STU) Uh, Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to "Tic Tac Toe."

Disco Stu: I can dig it. Hit me with the center square.

Kent Brockman: (STAGY) Uhhh, Homer...

Homer Simpson: (COYLY) Yes, Kent?

Kent Brockman: According to Redbook Magazine, what is the speed of light?

Homer Simpson: (HOLDING TWO SHEETS OF PAPER) Well... that would... uh, wait... uh... do I read from the sheet labeled "Jokes" or "Answers?"

Kent Brockman: Oh, for the l... stop tape!

Ron Howard: Make me center square, Kent! I'm ready. I can handle it.

Homer Simpson: Dream on, Drunky!

Ron Howard: Oh, that's it! You're going down!

Itchy: Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry.

Kent Brockman: (SHAKING HEAD) Ohh, we've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on.

Homer Simpson: (HURT) Flavor of the month? Me?

Ron Howard: (SUDDENLY FRIENDLY) Yeah, Homer, you can't just ride one accomplishment forever. Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?

Homer Simpson: I 'unno... (GUESSING) Because you weren't cute anymore?

Disco Stu: Mmm... I'll agree.

Kent Brockman: Circle gets the square. Goodnight, everyone.

PENN: Now before my partner Teller hits the shark-infested water, I'll need to borrow someone's crossbow.

PENN: I only need one.

PENN: Now to save my partner's life, I'll need complete...

Homer Simpson: Hello, everybody!

Homer Simpson: Did somebody say a perfect game?

PENN: You idiot! You'll ruin everything!

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) I'm doing a walk-on. It's a show business thing. (TURNS TO CROWD) So how y'all doin'? Let's see... What's in the news today?

Teller: Would you shut up?!

Homer Simpson: (TURNING TO TELLER) Hey, I thought you never talked.

Teller: Uh, I didn't mean to! Huh. It just slipped out! Oh God, now Penn's gonna beat me!

PENN: (CHUCKLE, THEN COVERING) Folks, it's all part of the act.

Teller: No, it isn't! Don't leave me alone with him!

PENN: (BREAKING CHARACTER) You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you!

Teller: He'll do it! I'm not the first Teller!

Homer Simpson: (QUICKLY) Remember Springfield, keep on swinging! (SWINGS BOWLING ARM)

PENN: Hey, come here! I, I just wanna talk to ya! Come here! Come here!

Teller: Ooh! Ooh! Guys?

Smiley the Elf: (TO CAMERA) Remember: in the whole world, there's nobody like you. You're special.

Happy The Elf: Who's special?

Giggly The Elf: That's right! You are! (GIGGLES)

Homer Simpson: Hey, everybody! I'm gonna be on TV again.

Homer Simpson: (TO MAGGIE) That's right. You've got a special daddy.

Pat O'Brien: Burt Reynolds apologized to the Pope, and promised to replace the windshield.

Nancy O'Dell: (SINCERE) Burt Reynolds, class act. Well now, for our segment, "Yesterday's News"... featuring Homer Simpson. Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone? I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! First stop, Maude Flanders.

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: But she said I...

Lisa Simpson: (GENTLY) Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun and now it's time for you to gracefully step aside.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, I know what's going on here. They did it to Jesus and now they're doing it to me.

Marge Simpson: (SHARPLY) Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?

Homer Simpson: Well, in bowling ability.

Homer Simpson: (TO BALLOON) Sweet bowling alley balloon. You're my only friend.

Homer Simpson: (TO BALLOON) What was that about?

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) Marge, has my life peaked?

Marge Simpson: Ohhh, Homey, is that what's bothering you?

Homer Simpson: Mm-hmmm.

Marge Simpson: (SETTLING IN) Well the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner. (PATS HIS HAND)

Homer Simpson: You're right!

Homer Simpson: I can't believe it, Moe. The greatest feat of my life is already forgotten.

Moe Szyslak: Geez, Homer. I never seen you so depressed. As your life partner, I'm very worried.

Homer Simpson: Save your tears, Moe. Save 'em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope.

Moe Szyslak: A shreda what? Uh, sorry, I was countin' the cocktail radishes.

Moe Szyslak: (COUNTING RADISHES) Now where was I? Uh, two... three... Three radishes. Three big radishes.

Homer Simpson: (SINGS SADLY) THIS IS THE END / MY ONLY FRIEND, THE END / WEIRD SCENES INSIDE THE GOLD MINE...

Homer Simpson: Well, world, this is it. You know, I always thought you'd die before me. But now as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking...

Man In Line: Yeah, less chat, more splat, pal!

Otto Mann: Hey, Mr. S. I didn't know you bungeed.

Homer Simpson: I wanna live!

Otto Mann: No, no! You're too heavy!

Homer Simpson: (DOPPLER) It's a glandular problemmmm!

Homer Simpson: (DESCRIBING, FASCINATED) Oooh, Morlocks... CHUDS... Mole People!

Hans Moleman: There is no escape from the Fortress of the Moles.

Hans Moleman: Well, except that.

Homer Simpson: Ow!

Homer Simpson: (LOOKING HEAVENWARD) Oh, Lord... you saved me. I guess you had some higher purpose in mind.

Ron Howard: Hey, look out!

Ron Howard: Oh, dumbass, trying to get yourself killed?

Homer Simpson: Not anymore, Ron. Now, I'm looking for something to dedicate my life to. Something noble, but easy.

Boy In Car: Daddy, stop talking to that bum.

Ron Howard: Look, I'd love to help you out, Homer, but I'm taking my kids to the zoo.

Homer Simpson: That's great. Even big stars take their kids to the zoo.

Ron Howard: Well, it's a different zoo, containing animals you've never heard of.

Girl In Car: Daddy, we're missing the fantasti-potamus. She only sings twice a day!

Homer Simpson: That's it! Kids are the answer! I'll dedicate my life to my children.

Ron Howard: (PITYING) Really? You have children? Oh, well look, here's some money.

Homer Simpson: No. I don't want your pity or your money.

Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

Homer Simpson: I do what now?

Ron Howard: (TAKING MONEY BACK) Yoink!

Homer Simpson: Listen, boy... I was wondering if you could use a little more fatherly attention.

Bart Simpson: No need, Dad. Over the years I've learned to find father figures wherever I can... construction workers, the internet... and Nelson, here.

Nelson Muntz: If you tie a string around your finger real tight, you can make it turn purple.

Homer Simpson: (SADLY) I can see I'm not needed here.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, honey, do you need any help with your homework?

Lisa Simpson: Sure! You can help me find three words where "y" is the vowel.

Homer Simpson: I've been so blind. I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson.

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) Mag-gie. It's me, Dad-dy!

Homer Simpson: Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes he is. Yes he is.

Homer Simpson: Where's Mag-gie? Where's Mag-gie? (UNCOVERING EYES) Hey, where is she?

Homer Simpson: There you are.

Homer Simpson: Hi Maggie! I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. (DEFENSIVE) And I'm all man, in case you've heard otherwise. Let's see what's on Tummy-vision!

Homer Simpson: Ow! Ow, that hurts! Owww! Ohhh!

Homer Simpson: Whee! Whee! Don't be scared, Maggie. Daddy won't drop you. Whee!

Homer Simpson: You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over. Just like I did with Lisa.

Homer Simpson: (CALLING) Hi, honey!

Instructor: Okay, Dads. This is where your child's trust in you really pays off.

Homer Simpson: C'mon, Maggie. You can trust me.

Homer Simpson: (UNDER DIVING MASK) Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy!

Homer Simpson: I'm sorry, Maggie. I never realized things between us had gotten this bad.

Homer Simpson: What are you pointing at? The ocean?

Homer Simpson: (OBLIVIOUS) That's a great idea. We'll swim in the ocean.

Homer Simpson: See, Maggie. The ocean is just like a bathtub. Except instead of rubber ducks, it has barracudas and moray eels.

Homer Simpson: (CALMLY) Nothing to worry about. Just a little wave.

Homer Simpson: (CALMLY) And this riptide is certainly nothing Daddy can't struggle against. (STRUGGLING, FLAILING) Help! Help! Somebody, help!

Homer Simpson: Oh, current... too strong... (THEN) I know! If I sink to the bottom I can run to the shore.

Homer Simpson: (FAR AWAY) Maggie! Call Aquaman!

Homer Simpson: (COUGHS OUT WATER, THEN:) Maggie, you're swimming! You swam out to save me.

Homer Simpson: (HAPPILY) Oh, you do love me!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, you're going to be fine. Although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.

Homer Simpson: Actually, that was before I went in the ocean.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Well, I don't want to pry into your personal life...

Homer Simpson: Then don't.

Marge Simpson: Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning?

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (CHUCKLES) It's quite simple -- When a parent's life is in danger, a child can summon superhuman strength.

Homer Simpson: Well, all I care about is that my little girl loves me. (HUGS MAGGIE) And we're gonna spend a lot more time together from now on.

Homer Simpson: Good girl, Maggie. You knocked down all the pins. But you stepped over the line just a little bit, so I'll have to give you a five.

Homer Simpson: And that gives you a final score of... two ninety-five.

Homer Simpson: Looks like Daddy won, but two ninety-five is awfully good for a baby.

Homer Simpson: Yes it is. It's very good and you're a good little baby. (TICKLES HER) Yes you are.