Bart Simpson: Thanks for lettin' me skip school to see the team come back from the championship, Dad.

Homer Simpson: I always say, a boy can learn more at an airport than he can at any school.

Guard: (SQUEAKY-VOICED TEENAGER) Hey, I need to see your claim checks for that luggage!

Jimbo Jones: Oh, of course, I have it right here! (PUNCHES GUARD IN STOMACH)

Guard: (PAINED VOICE TO KEARNY) I'll need to see yours too.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: You got it! (PUNCHES GUARD IN STOMACH)

Guard: (EVEN MORE PAINED TO DOLPH) I'll take your word for it.

DOLPH: You're just doing your job! (PUNCHES HIM AGAIN)

Hans Moleman: Do you have anything by Robert Ludlam?

Clerk: Get out.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Look at the outrageous mark-up! You magnificent bastard, I salute you!

Kearney Zzyzwicz: I just got a bunch of fruity Easter eggs.

DOLPH: Ew! Another liver transplant!

Barney Gumble: Oh no, not again.

Barney Gumble: You're not gettin' away that easy, little fella.

Hari Krishna: Have you heard of Krishna Consciousness?

Homer Simpson: (POINTING RIGHT IN KRISHNA'S FACE) This, Bart, is a crazy man.

Christian: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

Homer Simpson: (SARCASTIC) Right. That'll work.

Jane: A new and better life awaits you on our distant home planet, Blisstonia.

Homer Simpson: (GENUINELY INTERESTED) Hmm. Makes sense.

Jane: We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend.

Homer Simpson: How much is this free resort weekend?

Glen: It's free.

Homer Simpson: And when is this weekend?

Glen: It's this weekend.

Homer Simpson: Uh huh. And how much does it cost?

Glen: Um, it's free.

Homer Simpson: I see. And when is it?

Glen: It's this weekend.

Homer Simpson: And what are you charging for this free weekend?

Bart Simpson: C'mon, Dad! The team's arriving!

Homer Simpson: (CALLING BACK) It's free, right?

Player #1: Hey, Look! There's a big crowd to welcome us back! (TEARY) Even though we lost!

Moe Szyslak: Hey, I'll give you something to cry about, ya loser! You can't catch a football?! Let's see if you can catch a rock!

Marge Simpson: I've never heard of these Movementarians. Are they some kind of church?

Homer Simpson: Who cares what it is? The point is these are some decent, generous people that I can take advantage of.

Marge Simpson: But what if they try to talk us into something?

Homer Simpson: (CONDESCENDING) Marge, Marge, Marge. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?

Marge Simpson: You bought four of them. Thank God the check bounced.

Homer Simpson: (POINT MADE) So, I beat the system.

Lisa Simpson: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.

Homer Simpson: Yes. I am the highly suggestible type.

Movementarians: Welcome, brother!

Homer Simpson: Outta my way, jerk ass! (HITS HORN)

Homer Simpson: (SINGING TO "BATMAN" THEME) NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA FISH-ING / NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA FISH-ING / FISH-ING, FISH-ING--

Glen: Hi, how are y--

Homer Simpson: (FINISHING SONG) Fish-ing.

Jane: It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the Leader.

Homer Simpson: (BARELY INTERESTED) Who the hell is that? Some kind of leader?

Jane: Yes. He's the head of our perfect family. And when our galactic vehicle is complete, he will take us to our new home, Blisstonia.

Glen: Why don't you come chat with us about the Leader at the Welcome Center.

Homer Simpson: Will there be beer?

Glen: Beer is not allowed.

Homer Simpson: Homer no function beer well without.

Jane: Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment?

Homer Simpson: (BEAT) What kind of beer?

Glen: The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.

Homer Simpson: Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.

Glen: Just come up and watch our orientation film. You're free to leave at anytime.

Homer Simpson: Wow, a free movie. Thanks! Outta my way, jerk ass.

Announcer: Once we collect enough money for fuel, our Leader will throw open the doors of The Forbidden Barn, where we will all board our inter-galactic vehicle -- rows 1 through 30 first. Upon our arrival, we will begin our new perfect lives on Blisstonia, well known for its high levels of bliss.

Carl Carlson: Hey, I don't know about you, but uh, they're not exactly winning me over with these lousy production values here. I'm gonna slip out.

Glen: (OVER P.A. FRIENDLY WITH A SLIGHT EDGE) Uh, you're free to leave whenever you want. But uh -- would mind telling us why?

Carl Carlson: Oh, I just didn't...Uh, I didn't think...Um, oh, it's - it's pretty good.

Otto Mann: (WHISPERING TO SIDESHOW MEL) Man, this whole place puffs on the wacky tabacky. I'm outta here.

Glen: (OVER P.A.) Going somewhere? (QUICKLY) Though you're free to do so.

Otto Mann: Uh no, just rearranging my underwear. (BEAT) Ah, there it is.

Announcer: When you surrender yourself to the Movementarians, you are guaranteed a perfect life of serenity, love and loving serenity. (QUICKLY) Not a guarantee.

Moe Szyslak: Loving serenity. It's about damn time.

Otto Mann: (TRANCELIKE) I love the Leader!

Carl Carlson: (TRANCELIKE) The Leader is perfect!

Homer Simpson: Wait - I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs was setting them up?

Glen: What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there.

Homer Simpson: Well, you see, when I get bored, I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.

Jane: But our point is very simple. You see when --

Homer Simpson: Ooh, look a bird. (GIGGLES)

Jane: The "Circle of Judgment" never fails to destroy their self esteem. Then he'll be ours to mold.

Glen: (TO GROUP) Let the judgment begin! I'll get the ball rolling. (TO HOMER) You're a fat idiot!

Movementarians: Yeah, lose some weight! / Amen you're fat / moron-type (ETC.)

Homer Simpson: Uh yeah, I guess I could lose a few pounds. And I can be kind of thick sometimes. (GOOD NATURED LAUGH)

Seymour Skinner: You've failed at everything you've ever tried.

Homer Simpson: (GOOD NATUREDLY) Whoa, you've got my number on that one, buddy! This is a smart group.

Moe Szyslak: And your stink brings tears to my eyes!

Homer Simpson: Now wait a minute, Moe --

Homer Simpson: Oh, my mistake.

Jane: Why isn't our low protein gruel wearing down his resistance like all the others?

Glen: It doesn't wear down your resistance if you eat a whole month's supply.

Glen: He even ate mine!

Homer Simpson: You gonna finish that, bony?

Jane: Let's try the chant. Everyone loves a droning, repetitive chant.

Glen: (ADDRESSING CROWD) Attention, everyone! Let's all give thanks to the Leader for this glorious day!

Glen: (CHANTING) The Leader is good. / The Leader is great. / We surrender our will. / As of this date.

Movementarians: The Leader is good. / The Leader is great. / We surrender our will. / As of this date.

Jane: It's no use. He's obviously the most powerful mind we've ever dealt with.

Glen: (GETTING AN IDEA) Or...(SINGING TO "BATMAN" THEME) NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA LEADER / NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA LEADER....

Homer Simpson: NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA LEADER / NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA LEADER / LEA-DER, LEA-DER, LEA-DER!

Homer Simpson: (SINGING) BATMAN! / I MEAN, LEADER! I LOVE THE LEADER!

Homer Simpson: ACT II

Marge Simpson: You what?!

Homer Simpson: Come again, Marge?

Marge Simpson: You what?!

Homer Simpson: I've joined the Movementarians! And so have all of you!

Marge Simpson: We what?

Homer Simpson: All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to the house, and a commitment of ten trillion years of labor.

Marge Simpson: I can't go along with this, Homer.

Homer Simpson: Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed?

Homer Simpson: I have not been brainwashed. (TRANCE LIKE) Kill the girl. Kill the girl.

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: What? What did I say?

Bart Simpson: Church, cult. Cult, church. So we get bored someplace else every Sunday. Does this really change our day-to-day lives?

Homer Simpson: Of course not! Except that we're all moving to the Movementarian Agricultural Compound to be near the Leader and serve him.

Marge Simpson: I'm not leaving my home!

Don: (FRIENDLY LAUGH) Oh, yes you are. I'm afraid it's our home now. This house will become the new local Welcome Center for this district.

Homer Simpson: And it didn't cost us a dime.

Kent Brockman: Springfield has been overrun by a strange and almost certainly evil sect calling themselves the Movementarians.

Kent Brockman: In exchange for your home and all your money, the Leader of this "way-out" and wrong religion, claims he'll take believers away on his spaceship to the planet Blisstonia. Excuse my editorial laugh. (CYNICAL LAUGH) But...

Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've just learned of a change in this station's management. Welcome, Movementarians! Continue to improve our lives! I love you, Perfect Leader. And new C.E.O. of K-B-B-O broadcasting!

Glen: Homer Simpson, your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years. Then something might open up in a double.

Homer Simpson: Hah, why even unpack?

Lisa Simpson: (SOTTO TO BART) Dad and all these other people are obviously the products of mental conditioning.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, maybe it'll wear off. Like his interest in C.B. radio.

Homer Simpson: (CALLING OUT TRUCKER STYLE) That's a negatory, good buddy!

Bart Simpson: I kinda think it's cool. Just pretend you're in a zombie movie. Besides, this is just another place for me to wreak my special brand of hysterical havoc.

Bart Simpson: These rubes in robes haven't met the likes of Bart Simpson before.

Bart Simpson: (TRANCELIKE) I love the Leader.

Glen: Of course you do.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools... Let us say the Lord's Prayer forty times. But first, let's pass the collection plate.

Ned Flanders: Looks like slim pickin's today, Reverend.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Oh, Lord. Uh, try the emergency plate, Ned.

Ned Flanders: I don't think that's gonna do it.

Homer Simpson: See, Marge? Our lives are so much better now!

Glen: (OVER P.A.) You two! Stop talking and resume the lima bean harvest!

Marge Simpson: When we got married, you promised me my harvesting days were over.

Moe Szyslak: Look! The Forbidden Barn opens!

Movementarians: (GASP) The Leader! / He's coming! / The Leader is coming! / The Leader! / etc.

Homer Simpson: Oh boy! We get to see the Leader pass by.

Lisa Simpson: We toil in the fields and he rides around in a Rolls Royce?

Homer Simpson: Yes, it would be nice if he'd buy American, but what are ya gonna do?

Moe Szyslak: I'm covered in the dust of the Leader! He favors me!

Sideshow Mel: I am even dustier! Dustier than thou!

Moe Szyslak: Oh, look who the new pet is!

Homer Simpson: (TEARY) I've never been so happy.

C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers, why haven't I heard of this "The Leader?" He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax exempt status.

Waylon Smithers: Actually sir, with our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay three dollars a year.

C. Montgomery Burns: You're right. We're getting screwed! There must be something I can do about this. Wait! Yes! I think I know just the thing! (EVIL LAUGH)

Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, you have to tell me what your plan is, or nothing will happen.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, yes, of course, the plan! You see me as a God, right Smithers?

Waylon Smithers: Absolutely, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: You'd kneel before me.

Waylon Smithers: Boy, would I.

C. Montgomery Burns: (SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE) Yes -- Uh, then I'll form my own religion!

C. Montgomery Burns: With its own symbol. We'll use this "Special K!"

Waylon Smithers: I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: And people worship it?

Waylon Smithers: In a way.

C. Montgomery Burns: All right, then. (SKETCHES AGAIN) Uh, how about this?

Waylon Smithers: Uh, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir.

Waylon Smithers: Ladies and gentlemen, behold your new God...Mr. Burns!

C. Montgomery Burns: Ahoy hoy, lowly mortals! In addition to working for me, you may now praise me as your Almighty!

Waylon Smithers: Amen, sir.

Waylon Smithers: Ahh, we'll try this again tomorrow.

Lenny Leonard: Ah, he's all right, but he's no bowl of Special K.

Marge Simpson: This is ridiculous, we're already married!

Homer Simpson: But Marge, we're not mass married.

Barney Gumble: (TO MARGE) At least you got to choose your mate. We got matched up on the print-out.

Otto Mann: Hey, remember our agreement. I'm the man.

Barney Gumble: You're the man!

Seymour Skinner: I could've done a lot worse, Mother.

Agnes Skinner: Speak for yourself.

Comic Book Guy: (TO LURLEEN) So, do you enjoy comic books?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: And who can tell me where thunder and lightning come from? Yes, Bart?

Bart Simpson: The Leader, Ma'am.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Very good, Bart. And who invented Morse code?

Bart Simpson: (STRUGGLING) Oh, I should know this one. (TENTATIVELY) Th--The Leader?

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Ah, correct again.

Lisa Simpson: He's wrong! You're wrong! The whole damn system is wrong!

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: What's the matter, Lisa? You used to be such a good student. Don't you want to please your teachers and get good grades?

Lisa Simpson: (TINY VOICE) Grades?

Dinosaur: (TO THE TUNE OF "KNICK-KNACK PADDYWACK") "We love him...He loves we...We're the Leader's Fa-mi-ly."

Homer Simpson: These lima beans are even better than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch. (GASP) Oh! A lima bean that looks just like the Leader! I'll put it with the others.

Marge Simpson: Homer, you know I always try to put the best face on everything. But there's no face on that damn bean! We hate it here and the family wants to leave.

Lisa Simpson: No we don't, Mother!

Lisa Simpson: We love the Leader!

Marge Simpson: (SCREAMING) No-o-o-o-o-o-o!!! (BEAT, THEN CALMLY) All righty, time for bed.

Marge Simpson: I'm leaving this place, and you'd better step aside!

Sentry: (SQUEEKY-VOICED TEENAGER) Lady, people are free to go whenever they wish.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (SIGHS) Oh, I never thought I'd have to do this again.

Marge Simpson: (GASPING) Reverend Lovejoy! (COUGHS) You've got to help me! My entire family has been taken in by the evil Movementarians.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Oh, I feel for you my child, and I'd like to help you. (CLEARING THROAT)

Marge Simpson: Now, how are we going to get my Homie back?

Groundskeeper Willie: I'll kidnap him for fifty. De-program him for a hundred. And I'll kill him for five hundred.

Marge Simpson: No, no, no. Just the first two.

Groundskeeper Willie: All right. I'll throw in the killin' for free.

Lisa Simpson: Yaaay! Here comes the Leader!

Homer Simpson: (IN AWE) What an honor! We've been called into the presence of --

Homer Simpson: Marge? You're the Leader? You don't look anything like the beans.

Groundskeeper Willie: Knock 'im out, Reverend!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Oh, the Devil has given him superhuman strength!

Groundskeeper Willie: Give me that, you noodle-armed choir boy!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Well, that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt.

Marge Simpson: Look, let's the three of us try it together.

Groundskeeper Willie: (OMINOUSLY) Oh, you're gonna break like matchsticks. I promise you that.

Ned Flanders: Hey, I made some Rice Krispy squares for our hungry deprogramerinos!

Groundskeeper Willie: Ah, man! You ruined the atmosphere, you daft pansy!

Ned Flanders: Well, this is my rumpus room.

Groundskeeper Willie: (TOTALLY FLUSTERED) Ach! Don't call it that!

Glen: Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon.

Jane: (NODDING GRAVELY) The Lawyers.

Kent Brockman: Attention all citizens! Even though the Leader himself is completely non-violent, he urges you to be as violent as you like in capturing the Simpsons.

Kent Brockman: What are you doing? They're not here, you idiots!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Idiots? That's slander, sir. And we have it on tape.

Kent Brockman: (GRUMBLING) All right, I'll get out my checkbook. (GROANS)

Blue-Haired Lawyer: What was that?

BROCKMAN: Ah, I said "Mmph."

Marge Simpson: So, you kids really love the Leader, huh? Even more than your parents?

Lisa Simpson: (AD-LIB) Oh yeah! / Absolutely! / At least twice as much!

Marge Simpson: (INTERRUPTING, ANNOYED) All right, already! But do you love the Leader more than having your very own, brand new -- Hoverbikes?

Marge Simpson: What do you have to say about the Leader now? Hunh? Hunh?

Lisa Simpson: (AD-LIB) The hell with him! / What Leader? / He can take a flying leap as far as I'm concerned! / Lea-who?

Marge Simpson: And who do you love now?

Lisa Simpson: Hoverbikes!!

Marge Simpson: (ROLLING EYES) Close enough.

Lisa Simpson: Yayyy!

Marge Simpson: (GOOD NATURED LAUGH) Sorry kids, there's no such thing as Hoverbikes. They're just a couple of Huffys on a fishing line!

Lisa Simpson: But we heard them hovering!

Ned Flanders: Oh ho, I'm afraid I played a dirty part in this little charade.

Bart Simpson: Well, can we at least keep the bikes?

Marge Simpson: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! They're due back at the store by six. Get off 'em! Get off, off! Get off!

Groundskeeper Willie: (IN HOMER'S FACE) All right, Now, what's so all-fired great about your fancy-pants Leader?

Homer Simpson: The Leader knows all and sees all.

Groundskeeper Willie: (INTRIGUED) Eww, well, that is impressive.

Homer Simpson: And he's going to take us to a wonderful new planet.

Groundskeeper Willie: (TOTALLY WON OVER) Oh! This Leader, he sounds like a grand fella.

Marge Simpson: Willie, I'm not sure we're making any headway here.

Groundskeeper Willie: Would you shut up, woman! He's talkin' about my Leader!

Ned Flanders: Uh, maybe we should take a little break-a-rooney, huh? Anyone like a draft beer?

Homer Simpson: (QUIETLY) Beer?

Marge Simpson: Hmm...(SLYLY) Would you like a tall frosty one, Homer?

Homer's Brain: No! Must resist temptation!

Homer's Stomach: Go ahead! Give in! Beer! Beer!

Homer's Feet: Ooh, these cotton-poly blends are sooo comfortable!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Go on, Homer. Our commandments clearly state that beer is all right. Try some.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: This man is coming with us!

Marge Simpson: Homer, you don't have to go with them!

Homer Simpson: But I want to go.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Well, I would say the matter is settled.

Ned Flanders: (TO LAWYERS) You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer. (SEETHING) But I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head.

Marge Simpson: (CALLING) Homer, come back!

Marge Simpson: (TO GLEN) That's my husband!

Glen: He's our husband now.

Homer Simpson: I'm glad I'm back! (TURNING) Because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue, I was born again!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Hallelujah!

Homer Simpson: Now I can show all of you what I've come to realize. The reason we're not allowed in the Forbidden Barn is because there is no inter-galactic spaceship! He's taken our money just so he can...build one hell of a spaceship!

Leader: Homer Simpson! Because of your lack of faith, you've ruined mankind's chance for salvation!

Homer Simpson: Whoops.

Moe Szyslak: Nice going there, Homer.

Marge Simpson: Omigosh! Maybe he was telling the truth about everything.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Oh, mercy! He's the real deal!

Movementarians: (DISAPPOINTED) Awww...

Groundskeeper Willie: (CALLING) Come back! Come back! Willy still loves you, oh Great One!

Cletus Spuckler: Stranger, you're a trespassing on my dirt farm.

Leader: Uh, do you happen to need a messiah?

Cletus Spuckler: No, but I'll take them sacks of money from ya.

THE LEADER: (DEFEATED GROAN) I should have stayed with the Promise Keepers.

Moe Szyslak: Dammit, it fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in. Oh, I guess it's back to good old fashioned voodoo.

Barney Gumble: Whoa, I need a drink.

Moe Szyslak: Come with me.

Ned Flanders: Uh, is that your collar, Reverend?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Ah yes, how did that get down there?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Come back to papa, baby.

Homer Simpson: To think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.

Homer Simpson: And you Marge, the bringer of beer!

Lisa Simpson: It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.

Bart Simpson: You said it, sister.

Announcer: You are watching Fox.

Lisa Simpson: (TRANCELIKE) We are watching Fox.