Announcer: "Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame" now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film "The Muppets Go Medieval."

TROY: Oh, Princess Fair, willst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?

"Miss Piggy": Oh, Sir Liesalot! I will!

"Sir Kermit": (BIG) Unhand the swine, you swain! Come, piggy - back to Hamelot!

"Miss Piggy": (SOTTO) Not now, frog! Me and Iron-Pants are just getting acquainted!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, what's a "muppet?"

Homer Simpson: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but, man... (BREAKS UP GIGGLING, THEN) So to answer your question, I don't know.

Bart Simpson: (POINTING TO SCREEN) Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?

Marge Simpson: That's not a leather muppet, that's Troy McClure. (SIGHS) Oh, back in the '70s, he was quite the teen heartthrob!

Homer Simpson: Yeah, who'd've thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo?

Marge Simpson: What are you talking about?

Homer Simpson: (SOTTO, SO THE KIDS CAN'T HEAR) You know, his bizarre "personal" life? Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium? Why I heard...

Marge Simpson: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Homer! That's just an urban legend. People don't do that type of thing with fish. Troy McClure is a perfect gentlemen, like Bing Crosby or JFK. I wonder where Troy is now?

TROY: (AD LIB "WHOA"S ETC.; THEN:) Hey, these guys are all over the road!

Chief Wiggum: All right, Captain Rush-Rush, out of the car.

Chief Wiggum: (PAINED NOISE, THEN SHAKING IT OFF) Oh, I'm seein' stars here!

TROY: No, just one. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as "The Greatest Story Ever Hula'd" and "They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall."

Chief Wiggum: Uh, afraid not. License please.

Chief Wiggum: (READING LICENSE) It says here you need corrective lenses. Put those glasses on, Mister!

TROY: You wouldn't ask a handsome man like me to wear glasses? It'd be a crime against nature!

Chief Wiggum: (TAKEN ABACK SOUND) They do make you look kinda like a nerd. Tell ya what -- Just go down to the DMV tomorrow and try to pass that eye test. I'll tear up this ticket, but I'm uh, still gonna have to ask you for a bribe...

Grampa Simpson: (TO PATTY) Hello, Marge. (TO SELMA) Hello, Marge.

Selma Bouvier: (DISGUSTED GRUNT) How come no Chippendale's dancers ever come in to renew their licenses?

Patty Bouvier: They carpool. That's the problem.

Grampa Simpson: Hey! I came here to get this revoked!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (SOTTO) Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium.

Louie: (TO FAT TONY) Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.

Fat Tony: No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes. You see...

Louie: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Fat Tony, please, no! (HOLDS STOMACH) I just ate a huge plate of dingamagoo.

Selma Bouvier: (GASP) Oh, Troy McClure.

TROY: Ooof! (RECOVERING) Hel-looo, beautiful. John Law tells me I might need to wear these glasses.

Selma Bouvier: You? Nonsense. You're Troy McClure. I remember you from such films as "Meet Joe Blow" and "Give My Remains to Broadway." Stars like you don't need glasses!

Selma Bouvier: Now, Mr. McClure, would you like to take off those glasses and read the top line?

TROY: Uh, W-seven-star-pound...

TROY: Look, Miss (READS NAMETAG) Boo-Veer. (FULL-OUT CHARM) As an actor I depend on my remarkable looks. If you could find it in your heart to pass me, I'm sure I could find some way to repay you...

Selma Bouvier: (AWESTRUCK, GULP) Mubble.

TROY: ... Say, by buying you dinner?

TROY: (SUAVE) That took a lotta class.

Selma Bouvier: All these celebrities on the walls! I just know a big star like you is up there somewhere.

TROY: (COVERING) Uh, yes, I'm over there.

TROY: (PERFUNCTORY) So... working at the DMV must be very interesting.

Selma Bouvier: Well... uh (TRYING TO MAKE LIGHT) I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder from scratching my butt all day.

Selma Bouvier: (SLIGHT COUGH) Being a huge movie star must be good too. What are you working on now?

TROY: I've been reading a lot of scripts lately. (GUNG HO) You know, it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies.

Selma Bouvier: Well, thanks for holding up your end of the bargain. I had a pretty good time.

TROY: (MILDLY) Yeah, me too... You need a ride somewhere?

Paparazzo: Hey, getta loada this! Troy McClure and what looks like a date!

TROY: Here you go, boys. A little something for Page One.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, Homer, isn't this your sister-in-law on a date with Troy McClure?

Homer Simpson: (DISMISSIVE SNORT) Troy McClure? He's a washed-up movie star. He could be dating washed-up supermodels.

Lenny Leonard: Oh, I dunno. Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all...

Carl Carlson: This changes everything. I'd pay to see him in a movie now. Heh! If only that were possible.

PHONE VOICE: Troy! My man! It's MacArthur Parker.

TROY: MacArthur Parker the agent? MacArthur Parker my agent?

Macarthur Parker: Just checking in, my friend. So how's my favorite client?

TROY: We haven't spoken in 8 years.

Macarthur Parker: Yes! (THEN, QUICK) So I saw the papers today, Troy. Looking good! That wholesome stuff really helps when I'm trying to find you work.

TROY: You haven't found me work in 12 years.

Macarthur Parker: Oh, you! -- Jury duty is work. And listen: you keep getting seen in public with human females, and I can get you work in the entertainment industry!

TROY: Hello, Selma Bouvier?

TROY: It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner...

TROY: That's right, boys. Troy's back from the gutter and he's brought someone with him!

TROY: (LAUGHS APPRECIATIVELY) That's too funny! I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote! (LAUGHS AGAIN, THEN) Okay, now you tell one.

Selma Bouvier: Well, not much happens to me. (BEAT) But I once had dinner with a movie star and it was the most wonderful night of my life.

TROY: (DOESN'T GET IT) Really? Who was it? George Segal? I hear he plays the banjo.

Diners: (AD LIB SHOCK, GASPS, ETC.) Smoking? In America? / Low class!

Obnoxious Diner: Excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema.

Maitre D': (AMERICAN VOICE) Please don't smoke in our restaurant. We don't serve contemporary California cuisine in your lungs.

Selma Bouvier: Troy, I... I'm sorry I ruined our evening... Um, I have to go now.

Selma Bouvier: Oh, oh, God, I'm such a fool.

TROY: Got a light?

Marge Simpson: Sounds like you're really falling for him.

Patty Bouvier: (SNIDE) Whatsa matter? I'm not fun enough for ya?

Marge Simpson: (CUTTING HER OFF) Patty! Go on, Selma, tell me more.

Selma Bouvier: I don't wanna jinx it, Marge, but this could be it. He asked me out again this Friday. He's taking me to a special screening of his latest film.

Selma Bouvier: You know, smoke actually smells good when it's coming outta you... (LOOKS IN PURSE) Oh, I'm all out.

TROY: Here, try one of my cigars.

Selma Bouvier: (MOANS, THEN PUFFS FRANTICALLY) My god, it's like five cigarettes at once! Ohh... my head is swimming.

TROY: That's not cigars, baby, that's love.

TROY/ONSCREEN TROY: No longer canst I conceal my love, my wimpled turtledove.

TROY/ONSCREEN TROY: Oh Princess Fair, willst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?

"Miss Piggy": Oh, Troy! (PIGGY: "Sir Liesalot!") I will!

TROY: Just a second, baby.

Male Co-host: Tonight -- '70s leading man Troy McClure has finally met the woman of his dreams.

Male Co-host: (PUZZLED) Woman? (SHRUGS) Huh... Okay. We may remember Troy from such films as "The Verdict Was Mail Fraud" and "Leper in the Backfield."

Female Co-host: (FAKE LAUGH) With his high-profile romance, Troy's managed to shake the rumors that have dogged his career. And with news of his upcoming wedding, rumor has it he's up for some very choice roles.

Male Co-host: Looks like you were wrong when you called him a washed-up deviant, eh, Lori?! (CHUCKLES) All right.

Selma Bouvier: Make sure my iguana's okay!

TROY: (GUNG-HO) Selma, Jub-jub is fan-tastic. He's everywhere you wanna be.

TROY: (GUNG-HO) Welcome to your new home, baby. It's fan-tastic.

TROY: (DEADPAN) Garbage collection is Monday. If you wanna throw out a box, you have to cut it up.

Selma Bouvier: (LOOKING AROUND) It's so modern, it's... ultramodern! Like living in the not-too-distant future.

TROY: Now you just make yourself at home here... I'll be sleeping downstairs in the Visitors' Center.

Selma Bouvier: (TAKEN ABACK) Oh... Okay.

TROY: I'll see you in the morning. And get ready for tennis. It comes on at ten.

Macarthur Parker: Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of "Planet of the Apes?"

TROY: Uh... the movie or the planet?

Macarthur Parker: The brand-new multi-million-dollar musical. And you are starring as -- the human.

TROY: It's the part I was born to play, baby!

Ape: (TALK-SINGING) HELP, THE HUMAN'S ABOUT TO ESCAPE!

TROY: (TALK-SINGING) GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME, YOU DIRTY APE!!

Ape #2: (GASP, THEN) HE CAN TALK!

Chorus Of Ape Elders: (LOW MURMUR) HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK!

TROY: (BREAKING FREE) I CAN SIIIIING!

Ape Nurse: OO! HELP ME, DR. ZAIUS!

Chorus Of Ape Elders: (A LA "ROCK ME AMADEUS") DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! / DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! / DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! / OH, DR. ZAIUS!

Ape: DR. ZAIUS! DR. ZAIUS!

TROY: (TALK-SINGING) WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

Dr. Zaius: (TALK-SINGING) I THINK YOU'RE CRAZY.

TROY: I WANT A SECOND OPINION.

Dr. Zaius: YOU'RE ALSO LAZY.

Chorus Of Ape Elders: DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! OH, DR. ZAIUS!

TROY: CAN I PLAY THE PIANO ANYMORE?

Dr. Zaius: OF COURSE YOU CAN.

TROY: WELL, I COULDN'T BEFORE.

Chorus Of Ape Elders: DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS!

Bart Simpson: (IMPRESSED) This play has everything!

Homer Simpson: Oh, I love legitimate theater.

TROY: (SINGING) I HATE EVERY APE I SEE / FROM CHIMPAN A TO CHIMPAN Z! / NO, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A MONKEY OUT OF ME!

TROY: OH MY GOD! I WAS WRONG! / IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG! / YOU'VE FINALLY MADE A MONKEY -

Chorus Of Ape Elders: YES, WE'VE FINALLY MADE A MONKEY--

TROY: YES, YOU'VE FINALLY MADE A MONKEY OUT OF ME!

TROY: (SPOKEN) I love you, Dr. Zaius.

TROY: Thank you, it's great to be back! I just want to say I wouldn't be here without the support of a very special lady -- my always outrageous fianceé, Selma. Take a bow, Sugarbeet!

Selma Bouvier: (MURMURS) Oh... well... thank you... (PLEASED GRUNTS)

Homer Simpson: Down in front!

TROY: My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with water! Hi, I'm Troy McClure -- your future uncle!

Lisa Simpson: Hi. I remember you from such film strips as "Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll."

TROY: (PROUD) You know, I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay.

Lisa Simpson: Ah-huh.

Selma Bouvier: Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us?

Selma Bouvier: Oh, come on. Guess which one.

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED) I know! I know! It's Selma, right?

TROY: (TIPSY) Yeah, it's a good idea, Homer, but they've already made some movies about World War Two...

Homer Simpson: (TIPSY) Aw, hell. Well... What about Dracula?

TROY: (TIPSY) Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town. You're gonna be a four-star brother-in-law.

Homer Simpson: (TIPSY) Troy, buddy, I gotta know. What's a great guy like you wanna marry a guy like Selma?

TROY: (DRUNK BUT SMOOTH) C'mere, Homer.

Homer Simpson: Okay.

TROY: I'll let you in on a little secret...

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier, take the fabulous Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband?

Selma Bouvier: I already told you: yes.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss each other.

Selma Bouvier: This is the best day of my life.

TROY: It's a good day for me too, baby. Now smile. We're gonna be on every newsstand in the country!

Homer Simpson: Hey, look what I snagged, Marge -- the candy bride and groom from the wedding cake.

Homer Simpson: Mmmm... pointy.

Marge Simpson: It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier.

Homer Simpson: (OFFHAND) That reminds me -- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle.

Marge Simpson: What?!! Oh, my God!

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep.

TROY: This better be important. It's my wedding night. I'm trying to sleep.

Macarthur Parker: Hey, sleep is for has-beens, my friend. And you're about to have a very crowded schedule. This marriage scam is paying off big time!

Bartender: Phone for you.

TROY: (TO PHONE) T. McC.!

Selma Bouvier: Troy, darling, come to bed! I want to see the Troy McClure I remember from such films as "Make-out King of Montana" and "The Electric Gigolo." (COY GIGGLE)

TROY: Yeah, in a minute. Darling. (HANGS UP) Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style.

Macarthur Parker: Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in. Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant...

TROY: (KIRK DOUGLAS-EY) Those sick freaks?!

Macarthur Parker: Okay, then get this: I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in -- brace yourself -- the new McBain movie!

TROY: McBain's sidekick?! Hot damn! (JUMPS IN THE AIR) I'm going to Sea World!

Marge Simpson: Selma... about you and Troy. We're not sure he's... all he seems.

Patty Bouvier: Marge is right. He's wrong for you. Better you find out sooner than later.

Selma Bouvier: (RATTLED) Wrong for me? How? (THEN) Oh, I get it. My sisters have come down with a case of the green-eyed gazungas. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. (TO PATTY) You're stuck in a menial job you'll be doing ten years after you die, and (TO MARGE) you're tied down to a man who'd have to bathe to be a slob--

Marge Simpson: (ANGRY, SNAPPING) Selma! Troy doesn't love you at all! He's only using you to squelch the rumors about his bizarre personal life and further his career!

Selma Bouvier: You don't know what you're talking about... I have to go now and see Troy.

Selma Bouvier: Is this a sham marriage?

TROY: Sure, baby. Is that a problemo?

Selma Bouvier: You married me just to help your career?

TROY: You make it sound so sordid. Look, don't we have a good time together?

Selma Bouvier: Yes, but--

TROY: Don't you have everything you ever wanted here? Money, security, a big hot flat rock for Jub-jub?

Selma Bouvier: But... don't you love me?

TROY: (SINCERELY) Sure I do. Like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough? The only difference between our marriage and anyone else's is, we know ours is a sham.

Selma Bouvier: (BEAT, TENTATIVE) Are you gay?

TROY: Gay? I wish! If I were gay there'd be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality -- one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs. You see--

Selma Bouvier: Stop. You're asking me to live a lie. I don't know if I can do that.

TROY: It's remarkably easy! Just smile for the cameras and enjoy Mr. Troy's Wild Ride! You'll go to the right parties, meet the right people -- sure, you'll be a sham wife -- but you'll be the envy of every other sham wife in town! So whad'ya say, baby?

Selma Bouvier: Tell me again about Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.

TROY: One day my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine, so watch out (PEERS AT ADJOINING STAR) Laszlo Panaflex!

Male Co-host: Tonight, all Hollywood's wondering who'll be chosen to costar in the big new McBain pic, "McBain IV: Fatal Discharge."

Macarthur Parker: Ohhh, you watching?

TROY: Mac, you gotta get me that part!

Macarthur Parker: I will -- but you gotta do something for me. Problem is, the big parts these days are all going to family men.

TROY: (WHINY) But I already got married!

Macarthur Parker: Yeah, but for a role like this you gotta pour it on. You and uh, wife have gotta have a baby.

TROY: A baby, eh? What do I do?

Macarthur Parker: I'll send you over a pamphlet. (QUICK) Uh, listen, you can't buy that kind of P.R. But you can get it for nothing, by having a baby. Which, by the way, your insurance will cover, except for the deductible, which I will reimburse you for if you get the part, which you will if you have a baby.

TROY: C'est Troy bien!

Macarthur Parker: Okay, now listen, let's talk baby names. You can't use Montana, Dakota or Florida -- they're taken.

TROY: Uh... Oregon?

Macarthur Parker: (PLEASED) Oh, Pacific Northwest -- very hot.

Selma Bouvier: Having a child -- that's a big step.

TROY: You bet it is! Think what it'll mean! Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance... "Smellin' of Troy"!

Selma Bouvier: (CONSIDERING) It is probably my last chance to be a mommy...

Maitre D': (AMERICAN VOICE) Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?

TROY: You bet! From now on she's smoking for two!

Selma Bouvier: (NERVOUSLY) C'Mere... Tiger.

Selma Bouvier: (HELPFUL) Would you like some wine?

TROY: (RELIEVED) Yes!

Selma Bouvier: Uh, why don't you come over here and make yourself more comfortable?

TROY: (WARILY) No, why don't you come over here and make yourself comfortable? (THEN) I'm sorry, this whole concept's foreign to me. Who knew a baby would be so much work? (POUNDS WALL)

Selma Bouvier: (A LITTLE MIFFED) Having a baby isn't supposed to be "work." It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings we're supposed to have for each other.

TROY: Oh, like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were?

Selma Bouvier: Look, I'm sorry, a loveless marriage is one thing. We're not hurting anybody. But bringing a child into a loveless family is something I just can't do.

TROY: (SIGH OF RELIEF) Oh, great, we'll adopt. I'll call my agent, he'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.

Selma Bouvier: Goodbye, Troy. I'll always remember you, but not from your films.

Selma Bouvier: Come on, Jub-Jub, let's go home and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

Male Co-host: In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure has turned down the supporting lead in "McBain IV" to direct and star in his own pet project: "The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel." Will the gambit pay off? Twentieth Century Fox is betting it will.