TV Announcer: We now return to our 48-hour Itchy and Scratchy Diamond Jubilee Marathon, celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality and hilarious atrocities.

Bart Simpson: Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.

Lisa Simpson: Will do.

Kent Brockman: Tonight: a stow-away bear is terrorizing Space Shuttle astronauts! But first: a sneak peek at tomorrow's Itchy and Scratchy parade!

Kent Brockman: Hello, everybody. I'm here live on Main Street, where dedicated fans are already staking out the best seats for the big Anniversary parade.

Lisa Simpson: Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

Homer Simpson: Bye, kids. On your way back, pick up a six pack of beer.

Marge Simpson: Bart, Lisa! It's 11 o'clock at night. Where do you think you're going?

Bart Simpson: Downtown.

Lisa Simpson: We've got to get seats for the Itchy and Scratchy parade.

Marge Simpson: I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold, dangerous street all night. (BEAT) Homer, you go, too.

Homer Simpson: (WHINY MOAN) Oh, why can't they just take the gun?

Lisa Simpson: Hey, the comic book store's still open!

Bart Simpson: Save our seats!

Homer Simpson: Will do.

Middle-aged Man: (PLEASANTLY) Hello.

Scratchy: (TO OSTRICH) Hey, sister, just gimme a chance to get next to you...

Scratchy: (COMPLAINING) Hey, my threads, baby!

Bart Simpson: How come I've never seen that Itchy and Scratchy before?

Comic Book Guy: Perhaps because you are a pre-pubescent ignoramus. This is a bootleg copy of "Itchy and Scratchy Meet Fritz The Cat." Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile intellects such as yours. (WAVING THEM AWAY) Now, Toodle ooo.

Bart Simpson: Cool. I'll give you ten bucks for that.

Comic Book Guy: Are you the creator of "Hi & Lois?" Because you are making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly 750 dollars American.

Bart Simpson: It's valuable, huh?

Comic Book Guy: Oooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. (SHOOING THEM OUT) Go, go! For the good of the city!

Bart Simpson: (UNDER BREATH) Loser.

Homer Simpson: Aw, nertz.

Homer Simpson: Which one's Itchy? The car?

Bart Simpson: The mouse.

Homer Simpson: Oh. I guess that's not him then.

Brinkley: Represented on this next float is Roger Myers Sr., who founded his company in 1921 and struck it big when he teamed up a mouse named Itchy with a cat named Scratchy. (MORE)

Brinkley: Here we see him creating the two comical characters out of thoughts he plucks from his head.

Suzanne Somers: And that man waving from the front of the float is his son, Roger Myers, Jr. (GASP) Isn't this just the most fun you've ever had in your life, Dave?

Brinkley: Yes, Suzanne. It is.

Bart Simpson: Oh, forget this. I'm outta here.

Suzanne Somers: And now the parade has entered Bumtown! Oh, it's all just so exciting, Dave!

Brinkley: This certainly seems to be a poorly planned parade route.

Bart Simpson: Hey, wait up!

Bum: (RASPBERRY, TO FLOAT) Get outta Bumtown, ya no-talent bum!

Bart Simpson: (SEVERELY) Show some respect, man! That "no talent" created Itchy and Scratchy.

Bum: (CALMLY) He didn't create Itchy. I did.

Bart Simpson: (STARTLED) Huh?

Bum: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

Bart Simpson: You invented Itchy? The "Itchy and Scratchy" Itchy?

Bum: Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence. Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele. I changed all that.

Bart Simpson: Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... (BEAT) but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.

Bum: So I'm a liar, am I?

Bart Simpson: (READING) "Itchy The Lucky Mouse In: Manhattan Madness."

Bum: That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made. And it was made by me, Chester J. Lampwick. Find me a ninety-year-old projector and I'll prove it to you.

Bart Simpson: (READING) "Itchy Runs Afoul Of An Irishman."

Milhouse Van Houten: Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!

Milhouse Van Houten: C'mon Itchy! Kill him! Kill that guy!

Milhouse Van Houten: (READING) "A chance for more mis..."

Bart Simpson: (SNICKERS) Look at that fat oaf.

Milhouse Van Houten: (OFFENDED) Shhh. That's Teddy Roosevelt.

Bart Simpson: I can't believe it. That was Itchy all right. You did invent him! When people see this you'll be rich and famous!

Chester Lampwick: That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four year old. (SIGH) Well, see ya, kid.

Bart Simpson: You can't just go back to the gutter! You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire!

Chester Lampwick: Eh, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the Twenties, why would he give me anything now?

Bart Simpson: You asked Roger Myers, Sr. for money. Roger Myers, Jr. is in charge of the studio now. He's a good man. Every Christmas, he goes down to the pound and rescues one cat and one mouse and gives them to a hungry family.

Chester Lampwick: (THINKS FOR A BEAT) Studio's closed until Tuesday. Animators have AA on Monday.

Bart Simpson: Hmm. Well, you can stay at my house until then. (MATTER OF FACT) My parents won't mind, because they won't even know about it.

Bart Simpson: (HUSHED) All right, the coast is clear.

Bart Simpson: (POINTING) There's a box you can sleep in.

Chester Lampwick: Thanks.

Bart Simpson: Just move that cot out of the way.

Chester Lampwick: Okay.

Bart Simpson: Do you know what Radon is?

Chester Lampwick: No.

Bart Simpson: Goodnight.

Chester Lampwick: (LOW) Spare change?

Lisa Simpson: Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement. And Dad's upstairs.

Homer Simpson: (RELIEVED) Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.

Bart Simpson: He's not a regular bum, Mom. He's a genius bum. He created Itchy. And he's the father of cartoon violence.

Bart Simpson: He just needs to stay here till tomorrow. We're going down to Itchy and Scratchy Studios to pick up his check.

Marge Simpson: Well, if it's just for one more night.

ROGER MYERS, JR.: So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here, fresh from the sewer, and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy with no proof at all, and you expect me to give you... how much?

Chester Lampwick: 800 billion dollars.

Chester Lampwick: Well that brought back a lot of memories.

Lionel Hutz: All right, gentlemen. I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a $1,000 retainer.

Bart Simpson: $1,000! But your ad says "No Money Down!"

Lionel Hutz: (LAUGHS; PHONY) They got this all screwed up.

Bart Simpson: So, you don't work on a contingency basis?

Lionel Hutz: (POINTING TO CHANGED AD, SELLING IT) No, money down! (NOTICES SOMETHING ELSE) Oops, shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

Marge Simpson: Oh dear.

Bart Simpson: Hey Dad, can I have $1,000?

Homer Simpson: All right... Wait a minute. For what?

Bart Simpson: To pay for a lawyer for my bum.

Homer Simpson: Forget it.

Grampa Simpson: (TO CHESTER) I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it.

Chester Lampwick: Those corn muffins were lousy!

Grampa Simpson: Paint my chicken coop!

Chester Lampwick: Make me!

Marge Simpson: That does it. One of them has to go.

Homer Simpson: Okay. Grampa.

Marge Simpson: No. The b-u-m.

Bart Simpson: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. There's an easy way to get rid of Chester without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter.

Bart Simpson: And all it will cost you is $1,000.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Exhibit A: "Steamboat Itchy" dated 1928 -- the very first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon. And the credits clearly state: Written, Directed, and Created by Roger Myers; Music by Roger Myers and George Gershwin; Produced by Roger Myers and Joseph P. Kennedy. Copyright 1928 by Roger Myers.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: You will also notice Mr. Myers' name, and copyright notice, on the original drawings of the other members of the Itchy and Scratchy family: Brown-Nose Bear, Disgruntled Goat, Flatulent Fox, Rich Uncle Skeleton, and Dinner Dog.

Lionel Hutz: (CONFIDENT) My client's film predates all of those things, your honor.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Oh, yes. I've forgotten. Your famous film. The one you destroyed before the trial and haven't been able to find another copy of. Oh, yes. That film.

Lionel Hutz: (NOT AS CONFIDENT) Yes. (HOPEFUL) You don't have a copy do you?

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Krusty have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before?

Krusty the Clown: Yes I have.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: (SURPRISED) You have?

Krusty the Clown: I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it.

Chester Lampwick: Those blintzes were terrible!

Krusty the Clown: Paint my fence!

Chester Lampwick: Make me!

Krusty the Clown: You gimme back those blintzes then!

Judge Snyder: (BANGING GAVEL) Order! Order! We don't care about your blintzes.

Lionel Hutz: Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character--

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Objection.

Judge Snyder: Sustained.

Lionel Hutz: Oof! If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today I think I'm going to scream.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Objection.

Judge Snyder: Sustained.

Chester Lampwick: Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all.

Courtroom Spectators: (EXCITED BUZZ) He stole them all!... (etc.)

Chester Lampwick: The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures with the words "Sarcastic Horse" and "Manic Mailman" printed on them.

Chester Lampwick: And they stank. So he started stealing other people's characters.

ROGER MYERS, JR.: (OUTRAGED) That's a lie!

Lionel Hutz: Are you saying, under oath, Mr. Myers, that your father didn't steal any of the characters associated with your studio?

ROGER MYERS, JR.: Well, I don't think I am under oath. But, yes, my father created them all. Except for Flatulent Fox. That was based on a true story. But he did create Itchy. That's one thing I am sure of.

Judge Snyder: Mr. Hutz, we've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all?

Lionel Hutz: (HEDGING) Well, Your Honor, we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Your honor, I move for dismissal.

Bart Simpson: I've got it! Dad, give me $750!

Homer Simpson: Okay.

Bart Simpson: (TO HUTZ) Keep the trial going. I'll be right back.

Lionel Hutz: Your honor, I'd like to call all of my surprise witnesses again.

Comic Book Guy: Thank you.

Bart Simpson: I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else -- it was in the movie Mr. Lampwick showed me. Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919, nine years before Roger Myers made his first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: That could have been drawn by anyone at any time, your honor. There's no signature or date.

Chester Lampwick: Look under the frame, Brad!

Bart Simpson: Careful... Careful...

Bart Simpson: It's there!

Judge Snyder: Hmmm. "To Roger Myers. Keep drawing -- your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent. Your pal Chester J. Lampwick. Sept. 3, 1919."

ROGER MYERS, JR.: Okay. Maybe my dad did steal Itchy, but so what! Animation is built on plagiarism! (BUILDING, PACING AROUND) If it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Honeymooners, we wouldn't have the Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat. (COUNTS ON ONE HAND) Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear? (COUNTS ON THE OTHER HAND) Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney. Your honor, you take away our right to steal ideas--

ROGER MYERS, JR.: (SHOUTING OVER GAVEL) -- where are they gonna come from? (POINTS TO MARGE, SNIDELY) Her?!

Marge Simpson: (ON THE SPOT, SUGGESTING) Umm... How about... Ghostmutt?

Judge Snyder: The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick. Itchy and Scratchy Studios will pay a restitution of 800 billion dollars. (BEAT) Though that amount will probably come down a bit on appeal.

ROGER MYERS, JR.: (TO BART) I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt. You just killed Itchy and Scratchy.

Bart Simpson: (AGHAST) We killed Itchy and Scratchy?

Chester Lampwick: Good riddance! Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions.

Marge Simpson: What are you going to do with all your money, Mr. Lampwick?

Chester Lampwick: Well, first off, here's your $1,000 back for hiring that lawyer. And $750 for the drawing. And here's a couple of bucks for your trouble.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! Look, Marge! A couple of bucks!

Chester Lampwick: As for the rest of it... I'm going to buy the one thing I've been dreaming of all the years I spent in the gutter... a solid gold house.

Krusty the Clown: Well, Itchy and Scratchy are gone, but here's a cartoon that tries to make learning fun. (CHUCKLES; KRUSTY GROAN, THEN TO CAMERA) Sorry about this, kids, but stay tuned. We got some real good toy commercials comin' right up. I swear.

Little Boy: Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?

Amendment: I'm not garbage... (BREAKS INTO SONG) I'M AN AMENDMENT TO BE / YES, AN AMENDMENT TO BE / AND I'M HOPING THAT THEY'LL RATIFY ME / THERE'S A LOT OF FLAG-BURNERS WHO HAVE GOT TOO MUCH FREEDOM / I WANT TO MAKE IT LEGAL FOR POLICEMEN TO BEAT 'EM / 'CAUSE THERE'S LIMITS TO OUR LIBERTIES / LEAST I HOPE AND PRAY THAT THERE ARE / 'CAUSE THOSE LIBERAL FREAKS GO TOO FAR.

Little Boy: But why can't we just make a law against flag-burning?

Amendment: Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we change the Constitution...

Little Boy: (CATCHING ON) ...then we can make all sorts of crazy laws!

Amendment: Now you're catchin' on!

Bart Simpson: What the hell is this?

Lisa Simpson: It's one of those campy 70's throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.

Bart Simpson: (BITTER) We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little...

Little Boy: What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution?

Amendment: (SINGS) THEN I'LL CRUSH ALL OPPOSITION TO ME! / AND I'LL MAKE TED KENNEDY PAY / IF HE FIGHTS BACK / I'LL SAY / THAT HE'S GAY.

Congressman: Good news, amendment! They ratified ya! You're in the U.S. Constitution!

Amendment: Oh yeah! (CALLING O.S.) Door's open, boys!

Lisa Simpson: So it's true. Some cartoons do encourage violence.

Bart Simpson: (RUBBING SHOULDER) Ow! We gotta get Itchy and Scratchy back.

Lisa Simpson: And soon.

Bart Simpson: Ow!

Bart Simpson: You've got to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.

Lisa Simpson: The judge says it's okay as long as you pay Mr. Lampwick royalties.

ROGER MYERS, JR.: Royalties? Huh! I don't have the money to produce the cartoons. I lost everything! I can't even keep my dad's head in the friggin' cryogenics center anymore.

ROGER MYERS, JR.: (SARCASTIC) Ya comfortable in there, Daddy?!

Bart Simpson: Look, if money's the only problem, I know a guy who has lots of it.

Chester Lampwick: (CALLING) Shoe shine, sir? Comb your hair for you? Sir?!

Chester Lampwick: Sir?! Sir?! Sir?!

Chester Lampwick: Okay, catch you on the way back. Oh, hi kids.

Bart Simpson: Hi, Chester. Listen, would you pay to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons?

Lisa Simpson: You'll get more royalties.

Chester Lampwick: I don't need any more money. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars and my gold house and my rocket car, I don't need anything else.

Lisa Simpson: Yes, but...

Chester Lampwick: (FIRMLY) Not interested. (SNORES)

Bart Simpson: Dad, can we have $183,000?

Homer Simpson: What for?

Bart Simpson: Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons.

Homer Simpson: Oh... Forget it.

Lisa Simpson: I give up. There's nothing we can do.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, I agree. You wanna start on trying to get Apu out of jail?

Lisa Simpson: Okay.

Marge Simpson: Wait, kids. You can't give up on Itchy and Scratchy. You're always so good at these things. Why, together you've reunited Krusty with his father, gotten Principal Skinner his job back, and helped Dr. Riviera perform open-heart surgery on your father. You've even foiled Sideshow Bob on five separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.

Lisa Simpson: You're right, Mom. I'm sure if we put our minds to it we can solve this one too.

Lisa Simpson: (GASP) Bart! Look at this!

Bart Simpson: What a perfect plan. Now Roger Myers' hotel is just around the--

ROGER MYERS, JR.: And so, when no one could think of a plan to resurrect Itchy and Scratchy, a young boy, a wonderful irrepressible young boy took it on his own to solve the problem.

ROGER MYERS, JR.: He discovered that the Postal Service's Mr. Zip was just a rip-off of my father's stick figure character "Manic Mailman."

ROGER MYERS, JR.: So the government gave me a huge cash settlement and Itchy and Scratchy Studios is back in business. Thanks to you, Lester.

Bart Simpson: What the hell is going on?

Lisa Simpson: I don't know. (TRACE OF AMUSEMENT) But it looks like you might have a little competition all of a sudden.

Lester: (BART-LIKE VOICE) Thanks, everybody. But I couldn't have done all this without the help of my brainy sister Eliza.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza. This is a great vindication for anybody who was ever taking a bath, went to get the paper, fell down, and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off.

Krusty the Clown: And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife.

Bart Simpson: I never even heard about that.

Lisa Simpson: I don't understand it. We're always the ones who solve these problems.

Bart Simpson: (WHILE RUNNING) I guess you don't need it now, but we had a plan too.

ROGER MYERS, JR.: Hey, great. Listen, write it down and mail it to last week when I might have cared. I've got cartoons to make, kids.

Marge Simpson: You kids must be so happy. Your cute little cartoon friends are back on the air.

Lisa Simpson: Yes, well, technically everything worked out all right. But...

Marge Simpson: But?

Bart Simpson: Well... I wasn't the one who solved the problem and neither was Lisa. There's something unsettling about that.