General Donut: Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the population of the Planet of the Donuts.

Roddy McDonut: (ENGLISH ACCENT) As Homer's defense attorney I feel we should be merciful-- hey!

Roddy McDonut: Did you just take a bite out of me?

Homer Simpson: (MOUTH FULL, CRUMBS AROUND MOUTH) Uh, Maybe.

General Donut: I sentence you to death!

Big Donut: Mmmmm... Homer.

Lenny Leonard: Homer, wake up! It's time for our coffee break.

Homer Simpson: Yep, I earned it.

Homer Simpson: Mmmm, donuts. (DROOLING NOISE)

Lenny Leonard: (GROAN) There's only one donut left!

Carl Carlson: Yeah and you drooled all over it, ya--

Homer Simpson: Gentlemen, there's only one solution. We place this last donut in the reactor core, exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big.

Big Hand Guy: Yeah, it worked on my hand.

Big Hand Guy: Oh, wait, it's this hand.

Big Hand Guy: Whoa!

Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, we've found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.

Homer Simpson: Success!

C. Montgomery Burns: You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?

Homer Simpson: (LYING WEAKLY) It's my first day.

C. Montgomery Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well, carry on.

Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?

Homer Simpson: It's my first day.

C. Montgomery Burns: Well, why didn't you say- (REALIZING) Whoa! You're fired!

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) Fired. I can't believe it.

Announcer: Next, on Exploitation Theater: "Blackula," followed by "Blackenstein." And the "Blunch Black of Blotre Blame."

Homer Simpson: Ooh, funky.

Announcer: But first, this word.

Naval Announcer: Daybreak. Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubbock, Texas, hosing stains off a monument.

Naval Announcer: You're in the Naval Reserve. America's seventeenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard and the League of Women Voters.

Naval Announcer: After basic training you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time you're drunk off your ass!

Homer Simpson: You know Lisa, I've taken a lot from this country. Maybe it's time I gave something back.

Lisa Simpson: Are you thinking of joining the Naval Reserve?

Homer Simpson: Would you be proud of me?

Lisa Simpson: Eh, sort of.

Homer Simpson: (HEROICALLY) Then I'll do it!

Recruiting Officer: Just fill out this form and you're on your way to the Reserve.

Homer Simpson: There's a question that's crossed out.

Recruiting Officer: (UNCOMFORTABLE) Well, due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to ask that particular question.

Homer Simpson: Well, I think I can make it out. "Are you a homosex..."

Recruiting Officer: For God's sake, don't answer that! I could go to jail!

Homer Simpson: But I'm not a h--

Recruiting Officer: (COVERING HIS EARS) La la la la la la la! I am not listening! La la la la la la la la!

Homer Simpson: Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay?

Marge Simpson: Homie, I really don't think this navy thing is a good idea. What if you get called into combat?

Homer Simpson: Not to worry, honey. We live in a highly technological age, where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light.

Marge Simpson: We don't have a Clapper.

Homer Simpson: Sorry, can't hear you, Marge. I'm clapping.

Homer Simpson: (PLEASANT) Nighty-night!

Homer Simpson: Well, guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.

Barney Gumble: Where are you going?

Homer Simpson: I've joined the naval reserve.

Barney Gumble: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.

Moe Szyslak: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: And although my religion strictly forbids military service -- what the hey, I'm in too.

Homer Simpson: (TOUCHED) Gee, thanks guys. This is just like "The Deer Hunter."

Moe Szyslak: "The Deer Hunter?" Uh... hah... That reminds me.

Asian Man: (COMMANDING) Didi mau! Didi mau!

Moe Szyslak: I'm sorry guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Homer Simpson: See ya in a week.

Lisa Simpson: Good luck, Dad. Although I am morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.

Homer Simpson: Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.

Homer Simpson: No.

Bart Simpson: But Flanders got his kids torpedoes.

Homer Simpson: Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: But only if you're good. (SOTTO; WITH A WINK) Even if you're not.

Drill Instructor: All right you thumb-sucking worms, let's get one thing straight. Your mamas ain't here to help you!

Barney Gumble: Mine is.

Homer Simpson: No way, man! My hair is who I am!

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) I'm a freak!

Homer Simpson: What the--?

Drill Instructor: Tuck in that shirt -- shine those shoes, mister -- oh, for the love of --

Homer Simpson: Uh, a seagull took my sailor hat.

Drill Instructor: All right, Simpson. I don't like you and you don't like me --

Homer Simpson: (NICELY) I like you.

Drill Instructor: (FRUSTRATED) Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you!

Homer Simpson: (NICE) Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.

Drill Instructor: What are you, a comedian?

Homer Simpson: Well, I'm no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression. Ah, one more thing - (CLEARS THROAT) One- (CLEARS THROAT) I should get a glass of water.

Homer Simpson: There! The perfect sheepshank.

Drill Instructor: Very nice, Simpson. But next time (ANGRILY) tie the other end to the ship!

Homer Simpson: (À LA CHARLES NELSON REILLY) Ulll.....

Drill Instructor: Congratulations, sailors, you're all in the Naval Reserve!

Head Chef: (FRENCH ACCENT) Congratulations! You are all pastry chefs!

Head Instructor: (GERMAN ACCENT) Congratulations! You are all World War I Historical Re-creationists!

WORLD WAR I RECREATIONISTS: Uh-oh...Uh-oh...Etc.

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Bart, check out my new earring! Pretty cool, huh?

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings -- do you think she's cool?

Milhouse Van Houten: No, I think she's hot!

Milhouse Van Houten: Sorry, it just slipped out.

Jimbo Jones: Hey, look, Milhouse has an earring!

Other Kids: Milhouse! Milhouse! Milhouse!

Bart Simpson: Hey, if you want cool, check this out. (SINGING AND DANCING) EVERYBODY IF YOU CAN DO THE BARTMAN! (GRUNT) SHAKE YOUR BODY TURN IT OUT IF YOU CAN CAN (GRUNT) DO THE BARTMAN YEAH!

Ralph Wiggum: That is so 1991.

Seymour Skinner: Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings... (CHECKS MANUAL) unless you're of gypsy extraction.

Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, I'm a gypsy.

Seymour Skinner: (CHUCKLES) Oh, really? Prove it.

Milhouse Van Houten: Uh... (CHEESY ACCENT) I vant to suck your blood.

Seymour Skinner: Nuh-uh, that's a vampire! (CHECKS MANUAL) But, uh, they're also covered. Carry on.

Homer Simpson: Request permission to come aboard.

Marge Simpson: (SEXY) Permission granted. (GIGGLES)

Homer Simpson: (HUMS "CAVALRY BUGLE CHARGE") Marge!

Vet: I lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai and forgot to take the little parasol out.

Grampa Simpson: That's not a war story! I'll tell you a war story! I was on PT one oh nine with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret.

John F. Kennedy: Ich bin ein Berliner.

Young Grampa: (GASP) He's a Nazi! Get him!

Bob Denver: And another thing! When people come up to me and say "Hey, Little Buddy," and hit me over the head with a hat - that's not funny! That hurts!

Bob Denver: Stop laughing at me!

Homer Simpson: You know Marge, joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did. I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country, and later, I'm gonna get Gilligan's autograph.

Marge Simpson: I'm so proud of you, Homie.

Homer Simpson: Then I'll whomp him with my hat. (LAUGHS)

Clerk: (WISE GUY VOICE) Can I help you?

Bart Simpson: I'd like to get my ear pierced.

Clerk: Well, better make it quick, kiddo. In five minutes this place is becoming a Starbucks.

Bart Simpson: Hello everybody. (CUPPING EAR) Sparkle sparkle.

Homer Simpson: Bart!

Lisa Simpson: An earring? How rebellious in a conformist sort of way.

Marge Simpson: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?

Bart Simpson: Milhouse has one.

Marge Simpson: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff--

Bart Simpson: (EXCITED) Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!

Homer Simpson: Get back here, boy!

Homer Simpson: You're a disgrace to this family and its proud Naval tradition!

Bart Simpson: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me!

Homer Simpson: (SIGHS) I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.

Lisa Simpson: (HOPEFUL) Can I?

Homer Simpson: No!

Bart Simpson: Time to reap the benefits of being cool.

Bart Simpson: I don't believe this! Everyone's got an earring!

Ralph Wiggum: My neck hurts and my ear hurts. I have two ow-ees.

Drill Instructor: Next weekend we're having our annual war games. Now Simpson, because of your many years as a nuclear technician we're putting you on a nuclear sub.

Homer Simpson: (CONDESCENDING) Nu-cue-lar. It's pronounced NU-cue-lar.

Lisa Simpson: Be careful, Dad.

Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me.

Homer Simpson: Damn you, rock'em sock'em robots! Can't we all just get along?

Marge Simpson: Are you sure you'll be okay?

Homer Simpson: (REASSURING) We have orders not to fire on anybody but Greenpeace.

Homer Simpson: Well, I guess that's everyone. (GRIM) Except earring-boy.

Bart Simpson: Come on, Dad. Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a kid?

Homer Simpson: Well, when I was ten I got my ear pierced (ANGRILY) but this is completely different!

Bart Simpson: Fine. Take it.

Drill Instructor: Attention on deck! Captain Tenille wishes to address you!

Captain Tenille: (CLEARS THROAT) I'm a man of few words! (SHORT BEAT) Any questions?

Homer Simpson: (WORRIED) Uh, is the poopdeck really what I think it is?

Captain Tenille: (LAUGHS) I like the cut of your jib.

Homer Simpson: What's a jib?

Captain Tenille: (LAUGHS) (TO DRILL INSTRUCTOR) Promote that man.

Captain Tenille: The Navy has a fine sense of tradition. Whenever an American vessel leaves port, the crew sings this ancient sea shanty. A One! A Two! A Three! A Four!

Captain Tenille: (TO OFFICERS) You hear that? The whales are hungry.

Captain Tenille: Homer! Join us.

Homer Simpson: (WHALE SOUNDS) Thank you.

Captain Tenille: Tell me, young man. What do you want out of life?

Homer Simpson: I want peas.

Captain Tenille: (CHUCKLES) We all want peace. But it's always just out of reach.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) Uh-huh.

Captain Tenille: So what's the best way to get peace?

Homer Simpson: With a knife.

Captain Tenille: Exactly. Not with the olive branch but the bayonet. Ah Simpson, you're like the son I never had.

Homer Simpson: And you're like the father I never visit.

Female Ensign: Sir, I was running a diagnostic, and there was an obstruction in torpedo tube number one.

Captain Tenille: I'll take care of it. (SIPS WINE) Oh, what the Hell -- Simpson, while I'm gone, you're in command.

Homer Simpson: Me?

Female Ensign: Him?

Captain Tenille: Yes. Maybe it's the salt water in my veins, or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've taken a real shine to you.

Captain Tenille: Seaman, open that torpedo tube!

Barney's Mom: You'll never get a response talking to my son like that. (BEAT) You gotta poke him with a stick.

Barney Gumble: (HALF-ASLEEP) I don't wanna go to school today. (SNOOZES)

Captain Tenille: Oh for God's sake.

Captain Tenille: Contraband!

Homer Simpson: Ooh, comfy.

Moe Szyslak: (URGENT) Homer, we've got an enemy sub closing in fast. What do we do?

Homer Simpson: (TAKEN ABACK) I'unno.

Female Ensign: Fifteen seconds to collision. We need a decision!

Homer Simpson: (SERIOUS) Hmm. What would the Captain say in my spot?

Captain Tenille: (SCARED) Don't fire the torpedoes.

Homer Simpson: Fire the torpedoes!

Captain Tenille: (WATERY GURGLING) Auggh!

Enemy Crewperson: We've been hit by an officer!

Enemy Captain: If they're gonna fire on us, we'll respond in kind! Fire!

Enemy Captain: Not me! A torpedo!

Moe Szyslak: We're losin' power!

Moe Szyslak: We're losing back-up power!

Moe Szyslak: We're down to mood lightin', here!

Homer Simpson: (OFF THEIR LOOKS) All right, all right, mellow out, everybody. The Captain'll know what to do.

Barney Gumble: You just shot the Captain outta the torpedo tube.

Captain Horatio McCallister: (TO OCEAN) Arrr!

Moe Szyslak: (NOT HAPPY) That means you're in charge, Homer.

Homer Simpson: I am?

Female Ensign: (SIGHS) Those were the orders.

Homer Simpson: Very well then. I'm a Captain.

Homer Simpson: Mr. Moe -- steady as she goes!

Moe Szyslak: Aye aye (UNDER BREATH) ya big dummy. Ehhh...what a dummy.

Homer Simpson: Damage report, Mr. Moe.

Moe Szyslak: Sonar, out. Navigation, out. Radio, out.

Homer Simpson: Enough of what's out! What's in?

Moe Szyslak: Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer.

Homer Simpson: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.

Female Ensign: Captain, how are we supposed to get home with no equipment?

Homer Simpson: Don't worry, I've been working on it. (THOUGHTFUL) Hm... yes... uh huh... carry the two...

Homer Simpson: All right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending on me. (BOLDLY) Mr. Sulu -- make a left!

Asian Ensign: (SULU VOICE) Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel 7...(COVERING) I mean, home. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Homer Simpson: That's it. Left. Left. Steady as she goes.

Homer Simpson: On second thought, go right.

Kent Brockman: Well, sir, treason season started early this year as a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man Homer Simpson.

Marge Simpson: Oh my God!

Lisa Simpson: I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.

Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.

Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist... but he is not a porn star.

Hick: (TILTING HEAD) It's over there.

Russian Ambassador: The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward wessel.

U.S. Ambassador: The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up.

Russian Ambassador: (EVIL LAUGH) Yes, that's what we wanted you to think! (EVIL LAUGH)

Lenin: (ZOMBIE GROWLS) Must crush capitalism! (GROWLS)

Seymour Skinner: Children, I'll be frank. In the event of nuclear war, we can only save our best and brightest.

Seymour Skinner: Therefore, space in the fallout shelter will be reserved for Lisa Simpson, Martin Prince, our championship kickball team, and Sherri, but not Terri.

Nelson Muntz: (FROM AUDIENCE) Haw haw!

Sonar Operator: Captain, the renegade sub is directly below us.

AIRCRAFT CARRIER CAPTAIN: Drop the depth charges. We'll either destroy it or force it to surface.

Homer Simpson: Oh my God! We're all gonna die!

Homer Simpson: Y'ello.

Barney Gumble: Mayday! Mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid.

Homer Simpson: You mean water?

Barney Gumble: Yeah, that's it. We've got a pinhole leak and there's no way to plug it!

Homer Simpson: I guess that's it. (TO CREW) Ladies and gentlemen... We're in a tough spot and I don't know if we're gonna get out. Please remain calm and think of your loved ones.

Thought Bubble Moe: (SWEET) Oh, Mr. Snookims. Oh, I wuv you so. (LOOKING UP, CHAGRINNED) What are you lookin' at!?

Customer: Hey, this stupid machine took my money!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Don't ever change.

Thought Bubble Bart: Sparkle sparkle!

Homer Simpson: Bart!

Thought Bubble Barney: (GHOSTLY) Pinhole leak.

Thought Bubble Bart: Dad, the earring could plug the hole.

Homer Simpson: (ANGRY) I'll plug your hole. I mean, eureka!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (PROUDLY) You saved us, Homer.

Homer Simpson: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface.

Moe Szyslak: You wanna stop calling me Mr. Moe?

Homer Simpson: No.

AIRCRAFT CARRIER CAPTAIN: (ON BULLHORN) Attention, Homer Simpson! You have ten seconds to explain your actions before we open fire!

Homer Simpson: Uhhh... it's my first day!

Homer Simpson: (SPANISH) Es mi dia primero. (MANDARIN) Wuo gang kai shuchun gong chuo (TO PENGUINS) Quack quack quack.

AIRCRAFT CARRIER CAPTAIN: Seaman Simpson, your actions have given the Navy a black eye from which it may never recover. I would throw the book at you, but I've been indicted in the Tailhook Scandal. Goodbye.

Admiral #1: I too would punish you, but I'm under indictment for accepting bribes from military contractors.

Admiral #3: Um, I torpedoed a Carnival Cruise Ship.

Admiral #4: Impersonating the First Lady.

Janitor: (DROOPY VOICE) I think you're off the hook.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Marge Simpson: (PROUDLY) A dishonorable discharge! It's the best we could've hoped for.

Homer Simpson: You can't spell "dishonorable" without "honorable."

Lisa Simpson: I think you're a hero, Dad.

Homer Simpson: Well, I couldn't have done it without Bart.

Homer Simpson: Boy, I guess I was wrong about that earring. It saved us all.

Bart Simpson: Then can I get a tattoo that says, "Bite Me?" You never know when it might come in handy.

Homer Simpson: I don't think so, son.

Bart Simpson: A king cobra?

Homer Simpson: No.

Bart Simpson: Weapons-grade plutonium?

Homer Simpson: Ask your mother.

Bart Simpson: Knock-out drops?

Homer Simpson: No.

Bart Simpson: Ninja death stars?

Homer Simpson: Maybe for Christmas.