Commercial Announcer: Hey, kids! Look who's making breakfast!

Boy: (EXCITED) Itchy and Scratchy?!

Scratchy: That's right, kids!

Itchy: Never start the day on an empty stomach.

Scratchy: It's delicious! Wanna try?

Girl: Yay!

Scratchy: (SHIVERING) Oo, so cold!

Boy: Wow, pink daggers!

Girl: Green hatchets!

Boy: Yellow ice picks!

Scratchy: (GETTING WOOZY) And Stabby-Oh's are part of this nutritious breakfast!

Girl: (HAPPILY, STILL EATING) Hey, if you guys made breakfast, where's Mom?

Mom: Here I am!

Mom: (HAPPY) But thanks to Stabby-Oh's, most of me is still in bed!

Lisa Simpson: That ad campaign may have crossed a line.

Homer Simpson: What can you do? Sex sells.

Marge Simpson: (HORRIFIED SOUND) Homer, you're still here? You should've left for work an hour ago!

Homer Simpson: They said if I come in late again, I'm fired. I can't take that chance.

Marge Simpson: And kids, you're gonna miss the school bus!

Marge Simpson: It's only two blocks away!

Bart Simpson: (MOUTH FULL OF FOAM) But I gotta spit...

Marge Simpson: You can spit on the bus.

Bart Simpson: Uh, Mom...

Marge Simpson: Not now, Lisa.

Marge Simpson: (FRENZIED) Chew, chew, chew! Swallow, swallow, swallow!

Bart Simpson: Aw darn. Looks like we'll have to stay home today.

Marge Simpson: Not on my watch!

Marge Simpson: Stop! Stop!

Otto Mann: Oh, you wanna drag?

Marge Simpson: (YELLING, TO OTTO) I'm not racing! It's me, Marge Simpson!

Otto Mann: (NOT HEARING HER) No, you eat my dust! (EAGER WHOOP)

Milhouse Van Houten: Whoa. It's like "Speed 2," only with a bus instead of a boat.

Marge Simpson: I did it! I caught the school bus. Now hurry up and get on.

Lisa Simpson: But Mom, the school's right here.

Marge Simpson: (LOOKS BACK AT KIDS, GRIM) I won. (LEANING IN TOWARD KIDS, MENACING) Don't take that away from me.

Otto Mann: Okay, everybody off.

Otto Mann: Oops, almost forgot. Pickin' up a new kid today.

Sherri Mackleberry: Wow, a new kid!

Terri Mackleberry: I wonder what they're like...

Terri Mackleberry: Red hair? What's she trying to pull?

JANEY: Those shoes look Canadian.

Freakish Kid: She'll never fit in.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, it's tough being the new kid. Someone should go talk to her.

Bart Simpson: (UNINTERESTED) Yeah, somebody should. (LOOKS OUT WINDOW) One-hour dry cleaner. Man, that's fast.

Homer Simpson: (HOPEFUL) Kids gone?

Marge Simpson: Yep. It's great to have some time just to ourselves, huh?

Homer Simpson: You read my mind. (BEAT) Sooo...

Homer Simpson: This coffee's good, huh?

Marge Simpson: Yeah. The uh... the milk really takes the edge off.

Homer Simpson: You know, I think our marriage is...

Marge Simpson: I got it!

Homer Simpson: I got it!

Marge Simpson: No, I got it!

Homer Simpson: No, I do!

Saleswoman: Your baby is dead.

Saleswoman: That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.

Marge Simpson: (READING) "Springfield Baby-Proofing"?

Homer Simpson: You...you really scared us.

Saleswoman: Sorry about that. But the truth is, (SUDDENLY ACCUSATORY) your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead!

Saleswoman: (CHEERFUL) Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.

Saleswoman: Now, pretend I'm a baby.

Saleswoman: (BABY VOICE) Goo goo. Me wike to expwore.

Homer Simpson: (TO MARGE, SOTTO) That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.

Marge Simpson: Homer! Don't be... (THEN) Wow, that is huge.

Saleswoman: (GIGGLES) Ooh, pwetty colors. Me wanna dwink.

Marge Simpson: (SHOCKED GASP) She got it open.

Saleswoman: (ADULT VOICE) You see how quickly your baby could've been drinking this...

Saleswoman: Similac Baby Formula.

Homer Simpson: Noooo!

Homer Simpson: This is such an eye-opener. I always pictured the kids dying in the living room.

Saleswoman: Okay, with the window bars, toilet latches, dingo alarm, and grapefruit-squirt shield, your total cost would be... Wow, I'm rich!

Homer Simpson: Three dollars? That doesn't seem so bad.

Saleswoman: That's the price of the clipboard.

Saleswoman: Here's your estimate.

Homer Simpson: Mm hm. Hmmmm.

Homer Simpson: We don't need your high-priced safety junk!

Homer Simpson: (SHEEPISH) Thank you.

Bart Simpson: Look at the new kid, hoggin' the teeter-totter. It's like she owns the place.

Milhouse Van Houten: Yeah, she thinks she's Babe: Pig in the City.

Lisa Simpson: Give her a break. (TO MILHOUSE) Remember your first day at school?

Milhouse Van Houten: Not as long as I keep taking these.

Lisa Simpson: Well, someone's gotta make her feel welcome.

Lisa Simpson: Hi there.

Lisa Simpson: My name's Lisa. What's yours?

Homer Simpson: Now don't feel bad, honey. Did you know back in grade school, I had a bully problem myself?

Homer Simpson: (SINGING) EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIGHTING...

Homer Simpson: (SINGING) THOSE CATS WERE FAST AS LIGHTNING...

Homer Simpson: Good times.

Marge Simpson: Why don't you try reaching out to this new girl? See if you two have a common interest.

Lisa Simpson: (CONSIDERING SOUND) Well, lots of people like jazz fusion...

Marge Simpson: Okay, that's in the "maybe" file. What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacey dolls?

Lisa Simpson: They're not dolls, they're aspiration figures. But it might work.

Homer Simpson: That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets.

Homer Simpson: But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.

Marge Simpson: She's not afraid of bunnies.

Homer Simpson: (CONFIDENTLY) She will be.

Lisa Simpson: Uh, Francine? I think we got off to a bad start so... (BRIGHTENING) Hey!

Lisa Simpson: You like Malibu Stacey, too?

Francine Rhenquist: (SMILES) Oh yeah.

Lisa Simpson: And you like the same one I like -- with the Grad-student Glamour Pack... just like the one in my... (SEES HER OPEN LOCKER, REALIZES) ...locker. That's mine, isn't it?

Francine Rhenquist: Tastes like yours.

Lisa Simpson: How about jazz? Do you like jazz?

Milhouse Van Houten: I like jazz.

Lisa Simpson: Milhouse? She got you, too?

Milhouse Van Houten: Yeah. But it's not so bad, I'm standin' on Ralph.

Ralph Wiggum: We're a totem pole. (INDIAN NOISES)

Homer Simpson: (TO MAGGIE) See, honey, Daddy's protecting you from all the sharp scary things. Here, hold this a sec.

Homer Simpson: Ow! Oh, my...

Homer Simpson: (NERVOUS SOUND) Okay Maggie, put it down.

Homer Simpson: (PAINED SOUND) Okay, now. Put...

Homer Simpson: (FRIGHTENED SOUND) It...

Homer Simpson: (FRIGHTENED SOUND) Down.

Homer Simpson: Oh. (SCARED CHUCKLE) Okay, that's quite enough, it's not funny anymore.

Marge Simpson: No, no, no. Oh, Homie!

Homer Simpson: (PAINED SOUNDS, THEN TO MARGE) Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is? Baby accidents occur every three minutes.

Marge Simpson: I'm the one who told you that.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, but this is me talking. Look, I already encased the telephone in concrete.

Marge Simpson: How are you supposed to dial?

Homer Simpson: Reach into these holes. I use a carrot.

Marge Simpson: Isn't that a little excessive? I mean, how are the buttons dangerous?

Homer Simpson: Baby could order poison.

Marge Simpson: Oh, that's ridiculous.

Poison Service: Poison Delivery Service. A gift-basket of poisons is on its way.

Marge Simpson: (ASHAMED) I'm a horrible mother.

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) Of course you are. Marge, I've finally discovered the reason God made me: to protect his tiniest, most breakable creatures. And I've got to share that gift with the world.

Homer Simpson: (PAINED SOUND, THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Get her outta here.

Nelson Muntz: Why ya throwing tomatoes at yourself? Huh? Why ya throwing tomatoes at yourself?

Martin Prince: Your very question is faulty!

Jimbo Jones: You're faulty! (THROWS A TOMATO HARD)

Lisa Simpson: Knock-knock...

Nelson Muntz: (ANGRY) What do you want?

Lisa Simpson: Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work?

Nelson Muntz: Oh, this is so funny. We were just talking about moving into protection.

DOLPH: We're offering a recess-and-lunch package that's very affordable.

Lisa Simpson: Well I'm gonna need full coverage -- my bully is highly aggressive. Check out these Indian burns.

Jimbo Jones: Triple twist! Nice work.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: You sure this was done by hand?

Lisa Simpson: Yeah, she's a real purist.

Nelson Muntz: She?! Sorry, we don't do girls. They bite and kick and scratch...

DOLPH: (WISTFUL) And sometimes we fall in love...

Lisa Simpson: Wow. There's so much I don't understand about bullying.

Nelson Muntz: (NODDING IN AGREEMENT) Yeah, there's a lotta history there. Did you know it predates agriculture.

Lisa Simpson: Um-um.

Nelson Muntz: Let's walk.

Nelson Muntz: (SINISTER) Finish the job.

Lisa Simpson: I just don't understand Francine's motivation.

Lisa Simpson: Why does she only go after the smart ones?

Nelson Muntz: That's like asking the square root of a million. No one will ever know.

Lisa Simpson: (RESOLVED) Someone will. I'm gonna crack the bully code.

Homer Simpson: (HUMMING AND WHISTLING WHILE HE DRIVES) Savin' those babies. And the soft spots on their heads do, do, do, do do...

Homer Simpson: Problem: a pointy deity. And I've got the perfect solution.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, thank you. No more Shiva-related pokings.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, you know down the line, you might want to switch to a nice round Buddha.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: But we are Hindu.

Homer Simpson: So am I, but I don't get all huffy about it.

Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, 'tis a mighty puddle-a puke.

Wendell Borton: (SHEEPISH) I'm sorry.

Groundskeeper Willie: Aw, that's all right, lad. It reminds me why I got into this business.

Lisa Simpson: Willie, I need to see the school security tapes.

Groundskeeper Willie: (FLUSTERED) Security tapes? There's no security tapes.

Lisa Simpson: It's hard to miss the cameras.

Groundskeeper Willie: (ASHAMED) Aye, Willie's a stinkin' liar.

Lisa Simpson: Why does the school need to watch us all the time?

Groundskeeper Willie: School?

Lisa Simpson: Ooh, here's the tape I need.

Groundskeeper Willie: (SPOTTING ON MONITOR) Oh my God! That roll of towels is nearin' the end.

Groundskeeper Willie: Ach! It's on double red stripe!

Lisa Simpson: How did she know I was there?

Lisa Simpson: Hey, that time she looked right at me and didn't touch me.

Lisa Simpson: Hmm...

Lisa Simpson: (DAWNING) Of course! The nose clip!

Lisa Simpson: Hey Willie, I think I'm onto something! Check this out!

Lisa Simpson: Not talking, eh Willie? Just listen, then. I think I figured out what sets off that big ape Francine... Willie? Willie?

Lisa Simpson: Come on, people! Move it! I want to see some sweat!

Martin Prince: I'm not mastering another stair until you explain the purpose of this monstrous experiment.

Lisa Simpson: I believe the key to bully-nerd antagonism lies in your drippings.

Martin Prince: Then I shall drip like a pot roast.

Lisa Simpson: Excellent, now don't mind the squeegee.

Database: Ah. Ah. The scraping seems wrong, but it feels so right.

Drederick Tatum: ...And so, as Heavyweight Champion, recognized by nine of the fourteen sanctioning bodies, I sincerely urge you all to stay in school. Uh, thank you.

Seymour Skinner: Thank you, Drederick Tatum. That was truly a K.O. (EXPLAINING) Knockout Oration. (CHUCKLE)

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: (SOTTO, TO TATUM) Need a ride home?

Drederick Tatum: (SOTTO) You really don't want that. Trust me.

Lisa Simpson: Mr. Tatum, do you mind if I swab you with this damp rag?

Drederick Tatum: No, not at all. Swab away.

Drederick Tatum: Whoa, whoa, no one mentioned a beaker.

Lisa Simpson: Please? It's for science.

Drederick Tatum: Oh for science. In that case, proceed.

Seymour Skinner: Lisa, this is outrageous! Explain yourself!

Lisa Simpson: Shh. It's working. Look.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Nelson, what are you doing?!

Nelson Muntz: (FEARFULLY) I don't know... I can't help myself.

Drederick Tatum: Hey, cut it out. I insist that you desist.

Nelson Muntz: (CONTINUES PUNCHING, NEAR TEARS) Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Lisa Simpson: Yes!

Nelson Muntz: (MISERABLE, CRYING) Please don't hurt me.

Drederick Tatum: You leave me little recourse.

TV Announcer: And now the Estrogen Network presents...

TV Announcer: "Afternoon Yak!"

Female Host: Men...

FEMALE AUDIENCE: Booo!

Homer Simpson: (AS HE CLICKS REMOTE) Canceled.

Kent Brockman: The safe-baby craze. It's sweeping Springfield, thanks to one crusading parent.

Homer Simpson: That's me! Safety dance!

Homer Simpson: (SINGING) "YOU CAN DANCE / YOU CAN DANCE / EVERYBODY LOOK AT YOUR PANTS."

Kent Brockman: But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe, he's made infant-related businesses cry. All the way away from the bank.

Kent Brockman: How are your baby crutch sales?

Business Owner: Uh, terrible, Kent. And cartoon-character Band-Aids? Forget about it.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Look at this baby. Not a scratch on him. And I got boat payments.

Factory Owner: (SADLY, TO SELF) The dream is over. (TURNS, CALLING TO FACTORY) Shut her down, boys.

Homer Simpson: (HORRIFIED) Dear God, what have I done?

Homer Simpson: Babies of Springfield! We need your help! Please! Skin your knees! Put dice up your nose! Let cats sleep on your face!

Scientist #1: The problem?

Scientist #1: Constant flying saucer attacks. (FLYING SAUCER NOISES) The solution?

Scientist #1: And thus, the Earth is saved.

Marge Simpson: That's quite an act to follow, Lisa.

Lisa Simpson: I know, and the crowd is so distinguished. The inventor of the walkie-talkie is out there.

Marge Simpson: (DUBIOUS) Where?

Lisa Simpson: (POINTING) Third row, near the aisle.

Marge Simpson: (GASPS) Ooh, you're right. And that's not his wife.

Professor Jonathan Frink: (TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO QUIET THEM) Scientists... Scientists, please... Looking for some order... some order please... with the eyes forward and the hands neatly... folded. And the pain. There'll be pain. Hmmm.

Professor Jonathan Frink: (LOUDER) Pi is exactly three!

Professor Jonathan Frink: Very, sorry that it had to come to that, but now that I have your attention, we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson. Let's bring her out and pay attention.

Crowd: What? / She's just a little girl... / Still in the larval stage... / (SCIENTIST #1) Let's not listen...

Lisa Simpson: (GATHERING HER COURAGE, CLEARS THROAT) My study is entitled "Airborne Pheromones and Aggression in Bullies".

Crowd: (FRIGHTENED) Bullies? / Where? / I'm afraid! / ETC.

Lisa Simpson: For as long as there have been smart people, there have been bullies to prey on them. From Galileo...To Sir Isaac Newton...And even in the animal kingdom...

Lisa Simpson: But why do the brawny prey on the brainy? Is it jealousy?

Lisa Simpson: No. The reason is chemical.

Scientist #2: Tha-that's impossible. Chemicals are our friends!

Scientist #3: She's a witch!

Lisa Simpson: Please, Dr. Koop. Let me demonstrate.

Lisa Simpson: This is my test subject, Francine.

Lisa Simpson: I'd like to thank her parents for helping with the caging.

Francine Rhenquist: (ANNOYED) Lemme outta here!

Lisa Simpson: I have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek, dork, and four-eyes. I call it "Poindextrose".

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! Simpsons rule! (THEN) Sorry.

Francine Rhenquist: (SNARLS) You're dead, nerd!

Lisa Simpson: The bully has caught my scent, and she's at maximum rage. (THEN) Professor Frink?

Professor Jonathan Frink: Very well, Lisa. I'll just finagle the glavin...

Scientist #2: Are you mad, Frink? Put down that science pole!

Francine Rhenquist: Huh?

Scientist #1: My God! She stopped in her tracks.

Scientist #2: The little girl's invented some sort of bully repellent!

Lisa Simpson: Actually, it's just ordinary salad dressing.

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED) So that's where that went.

Lisa Simpson: The pungent vinegar and tangy Roquefort block the smell receptors, rendering the bully harmless.

Professor Jonathan Frink: Congratulations, Lisa. You are truly the standout of this year's Big Science Thing.

Lisa Simpson: (PUZZLED) A gift certificate from J.C. Penney?

Professor Jonathan Frink: Yes, you'll love their slacks. (FRINK LAUGH)

Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, we're so proud of you.

Homer Simpson: (SUMMING UP) So all her bullying was just to get some attention.

Lisa Simpson: No, Dad! Didn't you listen to anything I said?

Homer Simpson: (SAGELY) Just to get some attention.

Professor Jonathan Frink: Lisa, help!

Lisa Simpson: The repellent's all gone!

Francine's Mom: Don't worry. She'll punch herself out.

Francine Rhenquist: (GRABBING SCIENTIST) Suck fist, Doctor Dork!

Francine's Dad: (FONDLY) Someone's gonna sleep well tonight.

Homer Simpson: Pound that nerd.