Homer Simpson: Oh man, I love Oktoberfest. Oktoberfest! (BLOWS ALPENHORN)

Farmer: Sorry sir, this is a harvest festival -- no alcohol. I'm gonna have to confiscate those steins.

Lisa Simpson: Springfield squash -- the most fibrous variety of yellow squash!

Bart Simpson: We drove fifty miles to look at a stupid pile of vegetables?

Marge Simpson: That's it, buster -- you just bought yourself ten minutes watching that man make a wagon wheel.

Bart Simpson: (CHASTENED) Yes'm.

Wagon Wheel Demonstrator: (WALTER BRENNAN) Wagon wheels were the internet of the nineteenth century!

Bart Simpson: Really?

Wagon Wheel Demonstrator: (SADLY) No.

Marge Simpson: This winning cornucopia is magnificent.

Marge Simpson: Styrofoam?

Homer Simpson: (SHOCKED GASP) You stuffed your horn?!

Winning Farmer: (DEFENSIVE) What? Everybody does it... (AWKWARD CHUCKLES)

Marge Simpson: I can testify at the trial.

Grim Farmer: Ain't gon' be no trial.

Marge Simpson: (NOTICING SOMETHING) Ooh, look! Pine-cone first ladies!

Homer Simpson: (FURIOUS) Where the hell is Abigail Adams?! Oh, there she is. (FURIOUS) Where the hell is Mary Todd Lincoln?! Oh, she's right there. (FURIOUS) Where the hell is Ida Saxton McKinley?! Oh I see. (FURIOUS) Where the hell is--

Bart Simpson: Dad, look, a corn maze!

Homer Simpson: (READING SIGN) "Betcha can't solve our maze?" (HUFFY) I didn't come here to be insulted. We're leaving!

Homer Simpson: (CONFUSED NOISE) Sure is a lot of corn in this parking lot.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, we're in the maze.

Lisa Simpson: (WEARY) Dad, why don't you throw me in the air, and I can see which way is out.

Lisa Simpson: (HOMER THROWS HER) Corn... (HOMER THROWS HER) More corn... (HOMER THROWS HER) Another kid getting' thrown in the air... (HOMER THROWS HER) witch's coven... (HOMER THROWS HER) Seattle Space Needle... (HOMER THROWS HER) Amateur production of "You Can't Take It With You"... (HOMER THROWS HER) I'm getting dizzy... (HOMER THROWS HER) And corn again.

Marge Simpson: Maybe we should split up.

Homer Simpson: (HURT) Split up?! Marge, no! We can fix this marriage!

Marge Simpson: No, no, I didn't mean--

Homer Simpson: (ANGRY) Fine, you want out? Then go! I can make it on my own! Before I met you I had friends and dreams!

Marge Simpson: I was talking about--

Homer Simpson: (EMOTIONAL) Oh please take me back. The dating scene is a nightmare. (POUNDS GROUND) I'm begging you!

Marge Simpson: (FIRMLY) I just meant we should split up to get out of this corn maze.

Homer Simpson: (RECOVERING, STILL SHAKY) Deep down, I... I guess I knew that.

Marge Simpson: Now there must be a way out!

Homer Simpson: Of our marriage?! I don't want to live! (DESPAIRING MOAN)

Homer Simpson: Hey, this maze is made of corn!

Homer Simpson: I'm so sick of being lost. To hell with maze etiquette! I'm walking straight outta here!

Homer Simpson: Dammit!

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?

Lisa Simpson: (SLAPPING FOREHEAD) Finally! I knew we could solve that maze using Tremaux's algorithm.

Bart Simpson: Told you.

Lisa Simpson: No you didn't -- your plan was to burn the corn.

Bart Simpson: That was never my plan.

Homer Simpson: (DISTANT) I'm lost and I'm starving!

Marge Simpson: (CALLING OUT) Eat some corn!

Homer Simpson: I don't have any holders!

Chief Wiggum: Now don't worry, ma'am, we'll send a member of our elite canine unit in to find your husband's corpse. (OFF MARGE'S HORRIFIED LOOK) Living corpse.

Chief Wiggum: Say hello to Officer Jaws!

Lou: (SERIOUS) Uh Chief, I'm afraid Officer Jaws is guilty of littering -- (UPBEAT) and here's the litter!

Chief Wiggum: (TO CROWD) Okay, everyone -- puppy party at my house!

Bart Simpson: Don't worry! Our dog'll find my Dad! (CALLING) We need you, boy!

Bart Simpson: We need you!

Bart Simpson: Good boy! Now go find Homer!

Marge Simpson: He needs something with your father's scent.

Lisa Simpson: Maybe there's something in Dad's backpack.

Lisa Simpson: A sports bra?

Marge Simpson: (EMBARRASSED) He just needs it for walking upstairs.

Dr. Stephen Hawking: (TO CAMERA) This maze is too hard for me.

Homer Simpson: (WRITING, SLIGHTLY WOOZY) "To my wife Marge -- in case I don't make it, here are my Oscar picks for next year: Best Sound Effects Editing, the team from--" (SEES DOG, SURPRISED NOISE)

Lisa Simpson: Dad!

Lou: Your dog's quite a tracker.

Chief Wiggum: Say... has he ever thought about a career in law enforcement?

Lisa Simpson: Um... I don't think he's ever thought about anything.

Bart Simpson: (EXCITED) Santa's Little Helper would be an awesome police dog! Can he, Dad? Can he?

Homer Simpson: No. And never bring it up again.

Bart Simpson: (AFTER A SHORT BEAT) Please, can he?

Homer Simpson: All right.

Bart Simpson: (KNEELING, TO DOG) Boy, it is gonna be so cool when you're a police dog...

Bart Simpson: Good boy! Now, transform!

Bart Simpson: Cool.

Chief Wiggum: All right, listen up!

Chief Wiggum: (STERN) For the next two weeks, I'm gonna be your worst enemy. Except this Thursday is the fourth of July, so we'll take Friday off as well. Well, I guess Wednesday everybody's gonna be thinking about the long weekend, so, meh, what the hell? Why don't we just take the whole week off?

Chief Wiggum: (PANICKED) Why'd you let me do that? We are so far behind.

Chief Wiggum: Nice work, K-9s. (CALLING O.S.) Bring in the next group!

Lou: (HOLDS UP BRICKS OF POWDER) Uh, should I get this blow back to the cage, Chief?

Chief Wiggum: Whoa, whoa, whoa: "Blow?" "Cage?" You're in uniform, Lou. Don't slang it up.

Chief Wiggum: It is my privilege to welcome this fine group of animals into the Springfield police force.

Chief Wiggum: Keep your noses clean, and your hearts free of worms.

Lou: Listen to me, rook. These streets are hard. It ain't like "Air Bud Five -- Strong Arm of the Paw"!

Dispatch Operator: Attention all units! Domestic disturbance in progress at Rural Route Twenty-seven...

Lou: Domestic disturbance? (TO SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER) You're gonna have one helluva first day, boy. Squeak 'em if you got 'em.

Brandine Del Roy: You gave that hog a day of beauty, and I didn't get nothin'!

Brandine Del Roy: Manicure! (SHOOTS GUN) Pedicure! (SHOOTS GUN)

Brandine Del Roy: Exfoliation! (SHOOTS GUN)

Lou: (KIND) Don't worry, boy. She just knocked a few fleas off ya. You're gonna be okay.

Lou: We need backup! Now!

Brandine Del Roy: Cletus, you coward! Is you man or turtle?

Cletus Spuckler: Here's your answer.

Cletus Spuckler: Skittle, skittle, scurry, skittle.

Bart Simpson: Okay, since the dog's not here, I'm gonna take you for a walk.

Lisa Simpson: What's the matter, Bart?

Bart Simpson: (MOANS) I miss Santa's Little Helper. I wanted him to be a police dog, but now he has no time for me. I even have to eat my own homework!

Lou: Hey, could you set us up down here?

Lou: Go easy there, pal. We just started our shift.

Chief Wiggum: Attention K-9 unit. We got an eight sixty-six in progress at the park. Over.

Lou: Chief, why you using the walkie-talkie? I can hear you fine.

Chief Wiggum: Fine. Let's not use any of our police equipment.

Jimbo Jones: (NERVOUS) So, uh... you got any steroids?

Snake Jailbird: Oh, you know it. I can make you huge.

Jimbo Jones: (RE: BICEPS) I want to pump my guns.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: I want to rip my pecs.

DOLPH: I want to shriv my nards.

Lou: Nards -- that's what we needed to hear.

Lou: Freeze!

Lou: Nobody ever freezes. I might as well just say "run".

Snake Jailbird: Catch me if you can, little bow wow. Ha-ha!

Snake Jailbird: Noooo!

Lou: Nice work... (MEANINGFUL) partner.

Judge Snyder: You stand accused of giving hope to scrawny young men. How do you plead?

Snake Jailbird: (COCKY) Guilty... of being innocent.

Judge Snyder: Well, I'm afraid because of this improperly filled-out police report...I have no choice but to let you go. Case dismissed!

Snake Jailbird: (CHUCKLES) Don't worry, dude, I'm goin' straight. Straight to my customers to sell more drugs!

Lou: Listen man, you gotta let it go. Relax for a couple days with your family. Come back fresh on Monday.

Bart Simpson: Boy, you're back!

Bart Simpson: (PAINED CRY) Ow! You bit me! (CHOKING UP) My own dog bit me.

Bart Simpson: (STUNNED) I can't believe it. My own dog bit me.

Homer Simpson: (PANICKY) Now that he's had a taste of human flesh, the dog will be a slave to its succulence! (LOCKS EYES WITH THE DOG) Look at him eyeing me -- he knows I taste best.

Chief Wiggum: Don't blame the dog, folks. A cop's life is so intense, he has to channel it somewhere. Me, I knit violent imagery.

Chief Wiggum: Pretty grim, huh?

Marge Simpson: (ANGUISHED NOISE) I love Santa's Little Helper, but I don't know if we can have him in our home anymore.

Bart Simpson: Mom, you can't send him away! He's a dog, not Grampa!

Lisa Simpson: (DESPERATE) What if Santa's Little Helper stops being a police dog? Then he can get a non-violent job, like barking songs on novelty Christmas records. You can do it, boy!

Lisa Simpson: No, boy, that's Hanukah.

Chief Wiggum: Forget it, kid -- he's a cop now.

Bart Simpson: Well, I bet he can't resist this.

Bart Simpson: Fetch, boy!

Bart Simpson: (DAWNING) My God. I've lost him.

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES, THEN) Oh relax, Marge, I'm just messin' with ya. I know I'm not a dog. I'm a people, like you.

Marge Simpson: It's just Flanders. You know him.

Lou: You're gonna live with me now, 'cause only cops understand cops.

Sharquelle: Hey Lou... wanna party tonight?

Lou: Oh not tonight, Sharquelle. I'm uh, hangin' out with my new roommate.

Sharquelle: (EXCITED) Oh my God, a police dog! Oh, I have a friend who would love him!

Lou: (SIGHS, TO DOG) Okay, but uh, just remember: they don't love us, they just love the uniform.

Lou: All right, now uh, who's goin' with who?

Bart Simpson: I don't want a new dog. I want my old dog, the one who bit me.

Homer Simpson: Cheer up, boy. We'll get you their most vicious street cur! He'll bite your ass raw!

Marge Simpson: No street curs!

Bart Simpson: (EXCITED GASP) That's it! (POINTING) I want a snake!

Owner: (WISEGUY VOICE) Oh, no problem, pally -- our pythons cost five dollars a foot.

Homer Simpson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not made of money!

Owner: All right.

Bart Simpson: He is so awesome. I already love him more than I love Lisa.

Marge Simpson: It says here don't bother naming them. Snakes have poor hearing and only live to strangle.

Bart Simpson: (RUBBING CHIN) I like it -- "Strangles." Hey Lis, wanna touch Strangles? He's not slimy at all. He's scaly.

Lisa Simpson: Ew! He is slimy!

Bart Simpson: That's because I soaked him in slime! (LAUGHS)

Homer Simpson: Why you little... I'll teach you to trick your sister!

Marge Simpson: Homer, can you breathe?!

Homer Simpson: (A LITTLE DIFFICULTY) Well, I can breathe out okay.

Homer Simpson: (CHOKING OUT EACH WORD) Don't... give snake... attention... it's what... he really... wants.

Homer Simpson: I'm okay.

Martin Prince: After months of practice, I have trained my rabbit to hop in perfect tempo to Mussorgsky's immortal "Pictures at an Exhibition."

Martin Prince: Now for some "hip hop" we can all get down with!

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Bart Simpson, you can't bring a python to school!

Bart Simpson: Hey, don't ask me to show if you can't handle the tell.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Well I'm gonna show you to the principal and tell him all about it. (CHUCKLES)

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Mine was as funny as his!

Nelson Muntz: No one's arguing with you, lady. Now can we just learn something?

Martin Prince: (POINTING) The snake's getting away!

Lou: The snake must be in there!

Lou: (SAD) You miss him, don'tcha?

Chief Wiggum: Lou, he's gotta get over it. I miss Shamrock Shakes, but they ain't comin' back till March!

Lou: You know, Chief, Shamrock Shakes are just vanilla shakes colored green.

Chief Wiggum: I taste the flavor -- it's a very mild mint.

Lou: Well, maybe because it's a minty color, your mind is fooling your tongue.

Chief Wiggum: I know what I taste!

Eddie: I gotta go with the Chief on this one.

Lou: Oh, there's a big surprise.

Chief Wiggum: Hey Lou, what's your favorite thing in the world so I can dump all over that?

Seymour Skinner: Time for a head count. Children, line up according to height... no, weight... no, the sum total of the letters in your last names if each letter is assigned a numeric value according to its place in the alphabet! Quickly now!

Chief Wiggum: Deadly toxic cloud! Deadly toxic cloud!

Seymour Skinner: (REALIZING) Bart's missing! He must still be in the school!

Lou: No, boy! It's too dangerous!

Chief Wiggum: Let him go, Lou. He's not following his nose this time -- he's following his heart.

Lou: (CHOKED UP) Sometimes I forget why you're chief... but I remember now! (TO DOG) You follow your heart, boy!

Bart Simpson: (CALLING) Here, Strangles! Strangles?

Bart Simpson: (A LITTLE WOOZY) Aw man, it's like some chemicals cut one.

Bart Simpson: Strangles, you came to save me!

Bart Simpson: Santa's Little Helper, you came too!

Bart Simpson: Sorry... but a boy's gotta go with his dog.

Chief Wiggum: And... saved!

Chief Wiggum: Hero cop saves boy! Hero cop saves boy!

Bart Simpson: Oh, I knew you loved me boy! Now you can be my dog again.

Groundskeeper Willie: Don't worry. I'll give ya a home.

Groundskeeper Willie: (WARMLY) That'll do, snake.

Groundskeeper Willie: That'll do.