Female Singers: (SINGS) SKINNER!

Male Singer: (SINGS, BOOMING) SKINNER! / HE PATROLS THE SCHOOL HALLS...

Female Singers: (SINGS) SKINNER!

Male Singer: (SINGS) WHEN YOU SPIT, HE'S GOT THE BALLS!

Male Singer: (SINGS) AS YOU MOSEY THROUGH THE SCHOOL / ALL THE KIDS SAY YOU'RE SO COOL

Male Singer: AND YOU EVEN MADE BART SIMPSON SPILL HIS MILK!

Female Singers: (SINGS) SKINNER!

Male Singer: (SINGS) SKINNER! YOU'RE THE MASTER OF YOUR FATE!

Gary Chalmers: Skin-ner!

Seymour Skinner: (SINGING IN SLEEP) SKINNER! / YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN CHAPS... (TRAILING OFF) SKINNER...

Gary Chalmers: (SOTTO) Wake up! You're on!

Seymour Skinner: Children, I have some exciting news.

Seymour Skinner: I'm here to tell you about a field trip so amazing we've put "sign here" stickers on the permission slips.

Seymour Skinner: As you recall these stickers came from last year's field trip to the "sign here" sticker factory. (DRAMATIC) But thanks to my old navy buddy -- we both love to shop at Old Navy...the students of this school will be taking a ride (DRAMATIC) on a nuclear-powered, attack-class submarine -- the U.S.S. Tom Clancy!

Seymour Skinner: (SMUG CHUCKLE) So you're all excited, eh?

Kids: (HUGE) YAY!

Seymour Skinner: Well that's too bad, because many of you will not be going.

Seymour Skinner: There is limited room on the submarine, so only the best-behaved students...as determined by me...will go on the trip.

Nerds: Woo hoo!

Database: Well I get to go!

Seymour Skinner: To increase the tension, everyone starts with a clean slate. But from this moment on...

Seymour Skinner: I am the law. I hold the red pen.

Female Singers: (DRAMATIC STING) SKINNER!

Seymour Skinner: Pranks, inside use of outside voice, off-color whistling, and you're stricken from the list. And once crossed off, you stay crossed off. That's what pens do.

Female Astronaut: Help! I'm trapped in space with a man I don't like!

Bart Simpson: Aooga!

Bart Simpson: (KIDLIKE) Submerge! Periscope! Aooga! Aooga! Die, Nazi octopus, die! (EXPLOSION NOISE)

Marge Simpson: Sweetie, about the submarine... what's your favorite food to eat when you're disappointed? I'm going shopping tomorrow.

Bart Simpson: Ice cream sandwiches. Why?

Homer Simpson: What your mother is trying to say is we don't think you can be good that long.

Bart Simpson: Mom, is that true?

Marge Simpson: (ADMITTING) Well, that's sort of what I was trying to say. But...

Homer Simpson: What your mother is trying to say is--

Bart Simpson: (CUTTING HIM OFF) No, you're wrong! You're all wrong!

Lisa Simpson: I didn't say anything.

Bart Simpson: Were you thinking it?

Lisa Simpson: (ADMITTING) Yes.

Homer Simpson: Get real, ding dong! You've already done so much bad stuff, Skinner's never going to let you on that boat.

Bart Simpson: No, Skinner said I had a clean slate. So right now, I'm as good as any other kid.

Lisa Simpson: (LAUGHING) Good one, ding dong!

Bart Simpson: Mom!

Marge Simpson: (TO BART) Don't listen to them. They're the ding dongs.

Marge Simpson: Bart, sweetie, this is an opportunity for you to turn things around, yet again. And I believe in you. (BEAT) Yet again.

Bart Simpson: Thanks, Mom. I'll start by taking my plate to the dishwasher...wherever that is.

Homer Simpson: (SCOFFS) Marge, I love Bart as much as you do but actually not. And that kid cannot go one week without getting in trouble. Now if you'd be so kind as to start my car for me, I'm going to Moe's.

Homer Simpson: Ooh! Thank you.

Lisa Simpson: What are you doing?

Bart Simpson: To avoid temptation, I'm getting rid of all the things that could get me in trouble at school. I buried all my whoopee cushions in the back yard.

Homer Simpson: What the?

Bart Simpson: (TO LISA) That's not where I buried them.

Homer Simpson: Come on.

Krusty the Clown: Don't take my custom limo! At least let me sniff my coke out of the floor mats!

Krusty the Clown: Oh, hi little girl. What brings you to see Uncle Krusty?

Lisa Simpson: Krusty, are you broke?

Krusty the Clown: Yeah. All it takes is some bad luck at the ponies, worse luck in the bitcoin market, heavy investment in a high-end bookmark company...

Lisa Simpson: You could do what "Everybody Loves Raymond" did.

Krusty the Clown: Go off the air while I'm still good? That horse has left the stable, gone to the glue factory, and has been used to make art projects.

Lisa Simpson: I mean you could sell foreign rights to your show. Even SpongeBob did it.

Sea Sponge: (LOW ITALIAN VOICE) Buon compleanno, Squiduardo!

Squiduardo: (HIGH ITALIAN VOICE, RAPIDLY) No, no, no, Roberto! E 'una mina della seconda guerra mondiale, che farà saltare in aria e...

Widowfish: (DISTRAUGHT) Calamari?! Nooo! (LOUD WAILS AND SOBS)

Krusty the Clown: Cute stuff. But I'm still broke, girlie.

Krusty the Clown: Not my Monet! I only looked at it once!

Lisa Simpson: What I'm saying is, you could produce foreign versions of your TV show with actors from other countries...

Krusty the Clown: Okay, I'll do it!

Krusty the Clown: Not my Shetland dolphin! Although I won't miss the constant yapping.

Dolphin: (HIGH-PITCHED) Pa-pa!

Repo Man: (WISEGUY) Not anymore, he ain't.

Seymour Skinner: Gum on the floor. Off the list.

Seymour Skinner: Unauthorized meat-a-pult. Off the list.

Seymour Skinner: Lips touching the fountain. Off the list.

DOLPH: It's not my fault there's no water pressure!

Seymour Skinner: Excuses are like handkerchiefs -- everybody's got one.

Database: I don't have a handkerchief.

Seymour Skinner: Off the list!

Bart Simpson: (POLITE) Firm but fair, sir.

Bart Simpson: Don't want any troublemakers on our submarine.

Seymour Skinner: Not bad, Simpson. Did you wash your knees?

Bart Simpson: Front and back, sir.

Lisa Simpson: Principal Skinner? I object to this arbitrary use of power and request I be taken off the list.

Seymour Skinner: Off the list!

Lisa Simpson: Thank you.

Bart Simpson: Aw man, five days without pranking. I'm getting strange red marks.

Bart Simpson: But I'm gonna make it.

Otto Mann: Uh-oh. Something's wrong with my long yellow car.

Otto Mann: Any of you kids got a triple A card?

Bart Simpson: What?! No! I'll be late! Skinner will cross my name off the list!

Otto Mann: All fixed up!

Seymour Skinner: Off the list.

Bart Simpson: (STUNNED) For what?

Seymour Skinner: Muddy footprints on the school floor.

Seymour Skinner: I've broken a ten-year-old's spirit. Time to celebrate... with a fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt.

Seymour Skinner: Plain, plain, plain, plain, (SATISFIED) fruit!

Seymour Skinner: (IRRITATED) No, mother, I did not use any of your talc. I don't know why the bottle feels lighter. (MAD) Maybe you're just getting stronger!

Seymour Skinner: (TO PHOTO) Some days I could just kill you.

Seymour Skinner: (WORRIED) She heard me? (PICKS UP PHONE, NERVOUS) Hello?

Bart Simpson: (HOLDING NOSE) Hold for the President.

President Obama: (ON PHONE) This is... Barack Obama.

Seymour Skinner: (SKEPTICAL) Is this a prank?

President Obama: No.

President Obama: That's... offensive.

President Obama: I want to... talk about... submarines... and trips. Simpson... has to go.

President Obama: Simpson... has to go... on the... submarine. On the... submarine. On the... submarine.

Seymour Skinner: Of course.

President Obama: This is Barack Obama. (SINGS LIKE AL GREEN) SO IN LOVE WITH YOU... (SPOKEN) I like Ohio State... you can put lipstick on a pig... (SINGS) SO IN LOVE WITH YOU...

Ron Rabinowitz: Welcome. Welcome foreign market Krustys. If you examine your "Krusty Kit" you're gonna find un-removable green hair dye, a used red nose, and a guidebook on how to capture a monkey. But now, the man they call Mr. Monday Afternoon... Krusty!

Krusty the Clown: Hey-Hey!

Aspiring Krustys: (VARIOUS FOREIGN VERSIONS OF "HEY HEY") Hai-hai! / Hu-hu! / Heil-heil! / Rødgrød med Fløde!

Krusty the Clown: Now there're many words for what I'm looking for... rubles, renminbi, baht... but they all mean money, which rhymes with funny, which you can be if you want. I don't care. Just do the Krusty show in your country and send me ten percent. Then send me another sixty percent. Then five percent more and you're good.

Seymour Skinner: (IMPRESSED) Nice job, Simpson. You even got my Suze Orman tape unstuck from the cassette player. She's the reason I was able to purchase a new watch band.

Groundskeeper Willie: (MUTTERING) Always braggin' about his fancy watchband. If only I could tell time.

Bart Simpson: (SINCERE) Okay, I washed your car like you asked, I did your paper route, and I'm sorry. I really am. This could be the turning point of my life. Where you, as a school guy, made a difference. What do you think? Can I go on that sub?

Seymour Skinner: Sorry, Simpson. Take her down!

Kids: Yay!

Ralph Wiggum: Yay!

Nelson Muntz: Yippee!

Milhouse Van Houten: Poor Bart.

Rastafarian Krusty: (HEAVY ACCENT) Rasta hey hey, on the left-hand side. (LAUGHS) As my mother used to say "Wanti wanti can't get it, getti getti no want it". Now here's Itchem and Scratchem, mon. (EXCITED LAUGHS)

Jamaican Singers: (SING, JAMAICAN ACCENT) THEY SMOKE / THEY TOKE / THEY SMOKE AND TOKE AND SMOKE / SMOKE, SMOKE, SMOKE, / TOKE, TOKE, TOKE / THE ITCHEM AND SCRATCHEM BLOW!

Itchem: (HOLDS UP EYEBALLS, ONE IN EACH HAND) Eye and eye say good-bye!

Itchem: The blessings of Jah upon you all.

Krusty the Clown: Nice.

Ron Rabinowitz: You're a hit all over the world!

Ron Rabinowitz: There's Chinese Krusty with Sideshow Mao...

Ron Rabinowitz: (CHANGES CHANNEL) Even Irish Krusty.

Somber Irish Krusty: Me ma she had twelve children, but only three lived. Then they closed the mill. (SAD LAUGH) Hey hey.

Krusty the Clown: (TO LISA) And it's all thanks to you, kid. To show my appreciation I'm gonna bring you with me next time I entertain the troops. Warning, they're not American troops.

Homer Simpson: (SYMPATHETIC) Hello, boy. At times like this there's not much you can say... especially if you don't know what happened...

Bart Simpson: (SMALL SOB) Skinner didn't let me go.

Homer Simpson: (CONSOLING) Really? Hey, I bet that submarine isn't so fun anyway.

Bart Simpson: (SNIFFLES, HOPEFUL) You think so?

Captain: Fire that torpedo, Milhouse!

Milhouse Van Houten: Aye-aye! (PUSHES BUTTON) Where'd it go?

Captain: It was just imaginary.

Bart Simpson: I know a kid should never turn to his father for help, but I got screwed. Is there anything you can do?

Homer Simpson: As I always say, don't get mad, get dinner. Then get even. (GRIM) With Skinner.

Bart Simpson: You'll really help me get revenge?

Homer Simpson: (GRIM) Yes. What's Skinner's weakness?

Bart Simpson: Everything.

Homer Simpson: Good. We can use that.

Female Singers: (SINGS) SKINNER!

Male Singer: (SINGS) SKINNER! / YOU ARE FEELING PRETTY SMUG!

Female Singers: (SINGS) SKINNER!

Male Singer: (SINGS) SIPPING COCOA FROM A MUG!

Male Singer: WHEN YOU'VE REACHED THE MOUNTAINTOP / YOUR NEXT STEP IS A DROP

Seymour Skinner: (PANICKED) No, no, no, no, nooo!

Singers: SKINNER!

Seymour Skinner: (CALLING OUT) I'll be right there! Just saying goodbye to mother! (IMITATES HIS MOTHER) Seymour! I'm going out for a walk! (SKINNER VOICE) See you in several months at the soonest!

Bart Simpson: We have a problem, Seymour.

Bart Simpson: I did everything for you and you stabbed me in the back.

Homer Simpson: Wait a minute... I knew you were a neat freak, Skinner. But you beat your rug till it bleeds?

Seymour Skinner: All right, I'll come clean. I woke up and, surprisingly, mother wasn't there beside me. (GRIM) She was dead.

Seymour Skinner: Still, I can't be sure I killed her.

Homer Simpson: Well, I'm sure our town's police force will handle this competently.

Chief Wiggum: Now I could investigate further, but you don't want to sit in jail all weekend.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Chief, that was awfully arbitrary.

Chief Wiggum: Not compared to this.

Homer Simpson: Let me handle things. Just go upstairs and shut the door. There are some things only a boy should see.

Agnes Skinner: (QUIET) Now do you want to dispose of this jelly-soaked pillow?

Homer Simpson: (QUIET, GRIM) Just call me "The Cleaner."

Seymour Skinner: (LOOKS AROUND) Um, where's the body?

Bart Simpson: (GENTLY) She's in a better place.

Homer Simpson: (GRIM) The deed is done.

Seymour Skinner: (DISGUSTED NOISE) I wish you'd asked me before you...

Homer Simpson: Look, you kill them, I get rid of them. That's always been our deal. But I do have one question: do you want the head?

Seymour Skinner: (EXTREMELY UPSET) No! No! God no!

Homer Simpson: Well if you change your mind it'll be in my freezer. But only for a week. Got a lot of ice cream comin' in.

Seymour Skinner: If this were a movie mother wouldn't let me watch it.

Homer Simpson: Now, I'm afraid it's time to start your new life. You'll be hunted... on the run... searching for the man who killed your mother, which is you. So avoid mirrors.

Ron Rabinowitz: Krusty... I have some very bad news. The foreign Krustys are all hotter than you. Irish Krusty's got a show on Broadway.

Irish Clown Father: Oy, where's your monkey?!

Somber Irish Krusty: There never was a monkey! I was just tellin' stories to forget me consumption. (CONSUMPTIVE COUGH)

Krusty the Clown: Hey, you see there, they need to hit the word "monkey" harder if they want to get a laugh.

Ron Rabinowitz: Don't you get what I'm trying to tell you? You are now the least popular Krusty in the world.

Krusty the Clown: What about Romanian Krusty?

Ron Rabinowitz: What, you mean President-for-Life Krusty?

Krusty the Clown: I still get a piece, right?

Ron Rabinowitz: Putz! You're the least successful version of you there is.

Krusty the Clown: A piece! Now let's see where this goes.

Pregnant Irish Girl: Irish Krusty, this is your baby!

Irish Clown Father: The only thing working 'round here is your libido!

IRISH KRUSTY: Now I know why ma walked into the sea with her pockets full of rocks, on Christmas!

Krusty the Clown: Why doesn't this material work for me?

Bart Simpson: Seymour! The cops are on their way!

Bart Simpson: Here's a bus ticket to Juarez and your fake I.D.

Seymour Skinner: Oh, come on. I don't look anything like this... "Dick Fiddler."

Bart Simpson: No you don't. Yet.

Seymour Skinner: (SINCERE) I don't want to sound ungrateful, but could I eat one of the potatoes?

Homer Simpson: Sorry, but Dick Fiddler is allergic to potatoes.

Seymour Skinner: I understand.

Bart Simpson: Dad?

Bart Simpson: Thanks for stickin' up for me.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Someday I may have to fake my own death. And maybe you can help me with that.

Bart Simpson: Sure, Dad.

Homer Simpson: (URGENT) Someday soon. As in, what are you doing this Friday?

Homer Simpson: (SHRIEKS) Dick Fiddler!

Seymour Skinner: (CALM) Gentlemen, I can't run away from what I've done. I accept that I killed my mother. My whole life she's belittled me! Maybe deep down... I'm glad.

Marge Simpson: This has gone far enough. I'm starting to think this "school project" is more than meets the eye.

Seymour Skinner: Mother! You're alive?!

Agnes Skinner: Seymour, when this fat guy and his kid asked me to fake my death to punish you, I said, "Sure, that's something to do."

Homer Simpson: You know, when you glare like that you look really beautiful.

Agnes Skinner: (HURT) But when I just heard you say you were glad to see me dead... (FURIOUS) I thought, now I'm gonna be meaner to you than ever!

Seymour Skinner: (AGHAST) How is that possible?

Agnes Skinner: I've stopped taking those pills that keep me nice.

Male Singer: (SUNG) FIDDLER!

Female Singers: (SUNG) FIDDLER!

Male Singer: (SUNG) YOU LOOK STUPID IN THAT BEARD. FIDDLER!

Female Singers: (SUNG) FIDDLER!

Male Singer: (SUNG) THIS DREAM IS GETTING WEIRD...

Krusty the Clown: But instead, we're giving you something even better: I will do a guest shot on each of your shows! Eh? Eh?

German Krusty: (GERMAN ACCENT) Twist him like a balloon!

Mexican Krusty: (SPANISH ACCENT) Cut off his hey-heys!

Botswana Krusty: Let's slice him up and cook him in our traditional dishes!

Ron Rabinowitz: Krusty, can't you think of something?

Ron Rabinowitz: Uh, you know, why did you even become a clown?

Jamaican Singers: (SING, JAMAICAN ACCENT) THEY SMOKE / THEY TOKE / THEY SMOKE AND TOKE AND SMOKE / SMOKE, SMOKE, SMOKE, / TOKE, TOKE, TOKE / THE ITCHEM AND SCRATCHEM BLOW!