Homer Simpson: Hey, why didn't you tell me the new issue of "Weird" was here?! (CHUCKLES) I love their hilarious send-ups of hit movies.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, it's not...

Homer Simpson: (READING) "Gigabytes!" (GIGGLING) They've done it again. (MORE GIGGLES, THEN REALIZING) Gigabytes. Wait, this isn't "Weird." (FURTHER REALIZING) Why, there's no magazine called "Weird," is there?

Lisa Simpson: (TAKES MAGAZINE BACK) This is "Wired." It's about computers and technology.

Lisa Simpson: (NOTICING) Hey look, there's a cyber-cafe opening right here in Springfield! Will you take me, Dad? Please? (SELLING) I'll show you how to order pizza over the Internet...

Homer Simpson: (SKEPTICAL) The Internet? Is that thing still around?

Bart Simpson: I know a web site that shows monkeys doin' it.

Lisa Simpson: Bart! The Internet is more than a global pornography network. It's a...

Homer Simpson: (CALLING) Come on, Lisa! Monkeys!

Groundskeeper Willie: (PLEASED) Ach, let's see what's been captured on the Up-Kilt camera.

Groundskeeper Willie: Ewww, this lass needs a bit of groundskeeping. Eh-- Ach, that's Willie!

Bart Simpson: (TYPING) My name is Mary. I'm 45, heavy and willing to settle for less.

Lenny Leonard: Wow, this Mary's got the whole package.

Lisa Simpson: Wow, Dad, you're surfing like a pro.

Homer Simpson: Oh yeah. I'm betting on Jai-Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called News Corp...

Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's Fox!

Homer Simpson: (HITTING KEYBOARD FURIOUSLY) Ahh! Undo! Undo! Uhh.

Lisa Simpson: (WORRIED) Dad, do we have any money left?

Homer Simpson: Well, let's check the old bank account.

Homer Simpson: See? Even after all my cyber-squandering we've still got twelve hundred dollars.

Snake Jailbird: All right, dorks. This is a hold-up!

Snake Jailbird: Oh, yes. Download to papa.

Snake Jailbird: Yoink dot adios, backslash losers!

Marge Simpson: We were robbed?!

Homer Simpson: You seem to know an awful lot about this for an "innocent person."

Marge Simpson: We were saving that money for our family vacation. Now we're gonna have to start all over again. (SIGHS SADLY)

Homer Simpson: (OFF HER SAD LOOK) Ohh, don't worry, sweetheart, I'll get us the money. Even if I have to get a second job.

Ned Flanders: Evening, neighbor. Low on funds again?

Homer Simpson: (LOOKING DOWN, CONTRITE) Yes, sir.

Ned Flanders: Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us every time you've got a bill to pay.

Homer Simpson: (ASHAMED) I know, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Homer Simpson: It's just that you and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle, while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive.

Ned Flanders: Oh, we're not as well-off as you think. We give to eight different churches, just to hedge our bets. And the Leftorium's business has gone way downhill since Leftopolis moved in next door.

Homer Simpson: Well, if you're not rich then how come you have a new refrigerator, an electric can opener, a milkshake machine...

Ned Flanders: Oh-ho-ho, we picked those up cheap. (CHIPPER) They were evidence in a murder trial!

Homer Simpson: Sweet.

Ned Flanders: We got that tip at the Chuck Garabedian Mega-Savings Seminar.

Homer Simpson: (MAKING A SANDWICH, INTRIGUED) Go on...

Ned Flanders: He taught us how to live a Burt Reynolds lifestyle on a Mac Davis income. We've already got tickets for his next seminar.

Ned Flanders: I think you'll find living thrifty a lot more satisfying than stealing.

Homer Simpson: (THOUGHTFUL) Maybe you're right, Ned. Maybe you're right.

GARABEDIAN: Are you tired of missing out on the good things in life? Family vacations, jet packs, Solid Gold dancers...

Homer Simpson: (TO MARGE) There's only three left in the world!

GARABEDIAN: Well, stick around, 'cause I'm gonna tell you the twelve savings secrets Wall Street won't tell you. Then, I'll show you the three ways to get back to the highway. (STAGE WHISPER) Including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't want you to know!

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, here we go with the fat-cat bashing.

Mr. Pennybags: (STUCK UP) Well, what do you expect? These yokels are pure "Baltic Avenue." (CHECKS WATCH) Uh-oh, I'm late for the Short Line Railroad.

GARABEDIAN: Let's start with mega-secret number one: ya gotta squeeze every penny! You see this tux? I got it cheap 'cause Roy Cohn died in it.

Crowd: (IMPRESSED MURMURS) / Ooh.

GARABEDIAN: (RE: PICTURE) That fancy yacht? A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee.

Crowd: (BIGGER IMPRESSED MURMURS) / Oh, now that is something.

GARABEDIAN: And those beautiful women? They used to be men.

Crowd: (GROSSED-OUT MURMURS) / Ew! / That's gross!

GARABEDIAN: The point is, ya gotta squeeze every penny! C'mon, let me hear ya!

Crowd: (CHANTING) Squeeze every penny! Squeeze every penny!

Homer Simpson: I'm squeezing... I'm squee-zing it. (THEN, MYSTIFIED) Hey, I squeezed so hard it went into my hand.

Marge Simpson: Oh Homer, not again.

Lisa Simpson: (GROSSED OUT) Eww, we're gonna do our grocery shopping at a 99-Cent Store?

Marge Simpson: Well, maybe for your wedding!

Bart Simpson: How 'bout here?

Marge Simpson: Not if we want that vacation.

Bart Simpson: Look Mom, they have your dress.

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED NOISE) Thirty-three cents? I paid almost double that.

Marge Simpson: (REJECTING NOISES) Eww...

Homer Simpson: Wow, this plankton's only 33 cents.

Lisa Simpson: (READING LABEL) Um, according to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago.

Homer Simpson: Sure, by their standards, but we live in America.

Lisa Simpson: This also says it can cause red tide poisoning.

Homer Simpson: (PAINED) But it's so cheap.

Homer Simpson: Well, let's see what's in the ol' vacation fund.

Marge Simpson: Homer, you could've just unscrewed the bottom.

Homer Simpson: A little late for "could've's," Marge.

Lisa Simpson: (COUNTING MONEY) I don't think there's enough here for a vacation.

Marge Simpson: (HOLDING PAMPHLET) There is for a Mega-Savings vacation. Chuck Garabedian says you can fly Mega-cheap if you don't care where you go.

GARABEDIAN: That's right! Just go to the airport and wait for some no-shows. Then you can buy their seats for a fraction of the price!

Marge Simpson: Are you going through our garbage?

GARABEDIAN: That's right! You fat-cats didn't finish your plankton. Now it's mine!

Marge Simpson: Hawaii, here we come!

Lisa Simpson: (LOOKING AT MONITOR, FINGERS CROSSED) No, no, we're going to Paris. I can feel it.

Bart Simpson: Come on, Transylvania.

Homer Simpson: (JAMAICAN ACCENT) No, mon, let's go home to Jamaica. I and I been in Babylon too long.

Airport Announcer: Attention. Flight 605 to Tokyo is ready for departure and has four available Mega-Saver seats.

Marge Simpson: (GASP) C'mon, Homer! Japan!

Homer Simpson: (WHINY JAMAICAN) No, no Japan. Jamaica! I wanna pass the doochie on the lefthand side.

Lisa Simpson: Never mind. Looks like the Flanders' are gonna get those seats anyway.

Homer Simpson: (NO JAMAICAN, SUDDENLY ANGRY) Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal our vacation, huh?

Homer Simpson: (TO FAMILY) C'mon!

Homer Simpson: Sayonara, suckers!

Lisa Simpson: Yay! The Simpsons are going to Japan!

Workman: Hey, watch the gong, jerk!

Marge Simpson: Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. (SELLING) You liked "Rashomon."

Homer Simpson: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we want to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Lisa Simpson: Look Mom, the safety instructions are written in haiku. (READING) "Fasten seatbelts tight / Your seat cushions float gently / Headsets five dollars."

Japanese Stewardess: Sir, it is not safe to use electronic devices yet.

Bart Simpson: ("YOU'RE THE BOSS") You're the waitress.

Japanese Stewardess: (FRANTIC) Turn it back on! Turn it back on!

Marge Simpson: (IMPRESSED MURMUR) I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom.

Homer Simpson: It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight.

Jim Belushi: To-ga! To-ga! Toga 2000!

Homer Simpson: Marge, they stole my idea!

Captain: Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is: tomorrow.

Homer Simpson: Here's our room!

Marge Simpson: Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open.

Homer Simpson: I don't have time for that.

Toilet: Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

Homer Simpson: (GASP, THEN IN AWE) They're years ahead of us.

Bart Simpson: (CALLING) Mom, Lis! Check it out. Dad's on TV.

Homer Simpson: (RELIEVED) Ohh, yeah...

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED GASP) It's breathtaking.

Lisa Simpson: Look, there's the Imperial Gardens... the Meiji shrine... the Hello Kitty factory...

Lisa Simpson: Who's up for some exploring?

Bart Simpson: (SHRUGS) Hey, I'm still checkin' out Japanese TV.

Bart Simpson: Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures?

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you doing?

Lisa Simpson: What the--?

Homer Simpson: (SHRUGS) Oh, all right.

TV CHARACTER: Robots be right back.

Homer Simpson: Whew. All that seizing made me hungry.

Lisa Simpson: Me too. (EXCITED) Let's go to an authentic Japanese noodle house!

Homer Simpson: The toilet recommended a place called AmericaTown.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at (DISDAINFUL) AmericaTown.

Marge Simpson: I'd like to see the Japanese take on the club sandwich. I bet it's smaller and more efficient!

TV Announcer: (LIGHT JAPANESE ACCENT) We now return to "Battling Seizure Robots!"

Homer Simpson: (INDIGNANT) I can't believe they stuck us at Taxachusetts.

Homer Simpson: (EXAMINES MAP ON TABLE) Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.

Bart Simpson: And?

Homer Simpson: Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Waiter: Howdy, gangstas! I am Average American Joe Salaryman waiter.

Bart Simpson: (LOOKING AT MENU) These prices suck! Ten thousand yen for coleslaw?!

Lisa Simpson: Don't you serve anything that's even remotely Japanese?

Waiter: Don't ask me! I don't know anything! I'm product of American education system. I also build poor quality cars and inferior-style electronics.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Oooh, they got our number.

Homer Simpson: One square watermelon please.

Marge Simpson: Oh my goodness, Homer, those are a hundred and fifty dollars.

Homer Simpson: It's worth every cent. I'm tired of fumbling with round fruit.

Marge Simpson: Maybe we should just head back to the hotel.

Lisa Simpson: But you promised me we'd do something Japanese.

Homer Simpson: Oh, of course. You're right. You know, I read about a Shinto tea house where they practice the traditional... Run, Bart!

Bart Simpson: Hey, look. Isn't that Woody Allen?

Homer Simpson: (LOOKING) Looks like he's doing a commercial.

Woody Allen: (FAKE SURPRISE) Oh, hello. So many rice crackers claim to be low-cal.

Woody Allen: But only Fujikawa rice crackers make your "Interiors" go "Bananas."

Woody Allen: What did I do to deserve this? (THINKS) Oh, right.

Homer Simpson: (CHEWS, THEN) Mmm... fifty dollar pretzel. (NOTICING SUMO) Hey, what's Baby Huey doing?

Bart Simpson: (READING PROGRAM) Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring.

Homer Simpson: Hmmm...

Homer Simpson: Spare some salt, tubby?

Sumo: Tubby? (JAPANESE)

Homer Simpson: Hey, that's mine!

Homer Simpson: Like we say in my country, "Hasta la vista, baby."

Man: Congratulations. I am the Emperor and...

Homer Simpson: (SARCASTIC) Yeah, and I'm Clobbersaurus.

Homer Simpson: All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus!

Voice: Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san.

Homer Simpson: Thank God. I couldn't take another minute in this hell-hole.

Lisa Simpson: Now can we do something Japanese?

Homer Simpson: Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff. In jail we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the forty-seven Ronin and I wanted to be Oshi, but they made me Ori.

Bart Simpson: Then we had to do two hours of origami, followed by flower arranging and meditation.

Marge Simpson: Honey, I know you want to see Japan, but we're down to our last million yen.

Homer Simpson: Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something Japanese.

Lisa Simpson: Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.

Homer Simpson: It's a crane. The Japanese believe they bring good luck.

Marge Simpson: Be careful. We need that money to get home.

Homer Simpson: (SPEAKING JAPANESE) Shimatta baka-me!

Ambassador: Now Mister Simpson, I know you lost all your money, but don't worry.

Ambassador: The United States will not stand idly by while one of its citizens is stuck here like this.

Marge Simpson: But Mr. Ambassador, how are we going to get home?

Ambassador: Beats me. Try getting a job and earning some money. That's what I did. (THEN, QUICKLY) By the way, Ambassador's taken.

Marge Simpson: Every truck-load of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.

Bart Simpson: And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do...

Bart Simpson: Knife goes in, guts come out. (GRABS ANOTHER FISH) Knife goes in, guts come out... (GRABS ANOTHER FISH)

Magic Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three wi-- (YELL)

Bart Simpson: (WITHOUT STOPPING) Knife goes in, guts come out.

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) Yipee! Time for the company loyalty song!

Cartoon Squid: (SINGING) KNIFE-AH GOES IN, GUTS-AH COME-AH OUT, THAT'S-AH WHAT OSAKA SEAFOOD CONCERN IS ALL ABOUT. (BEING GUTTED SOUND) (PAINED SOUNDS)

Homer Simpson: This sucks. What else is on?

Japanese Father: Thank you. You have fulfilled our dreams and dreams of our ancestors.

TV Announcer: Tune in tomorrow when another lucky family tries to win their dreams on "Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show!"

Marge Simpson: (THOUGHTFUL) Family Wish Show... Hmmm... That gives me an idea.

Lisa Simpson: ("DUH") I think we all had that idea.

Homer Simpson: I didn't... What is it? Lunch?

Gameshow Host: Thank you, thank you. And welcome to our contestants from America, the Simpson family.

Marge Simpson: (BOWING, FOLDING HANDS) You honor us.

Gameshow Host: (SHARPLY) Don't patronize me! (THEN FRIENDLY) Now, Simpson family, have you picked a wish?

Homer Simpson: Well, I haven't talked it over with the family, but I think we'd all like a free dinner at AmericaTown.

Marge Simpson: No, no, no! We want plane tickets home to Springfield.

Gameshow Host: Now our gameshows are a little different from yours. Your shows reward knowledge. We punish ignorance.

Homer Simpson: Ignor-- what?

Gameshow Host: Okay, let's begin. Our categories are "OW, THAT HURTS," "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?" and "PLEASE LET ME DIE."

Homer Simpson: Do "OW THAT HURTS."

Marge Simpson: (BRIGHTLY) We'll go with "OW, THAT HURTS," Skip!

Gameshow Host: (ANGRY) My name is Wink!

Gameshow Host: All right, Simpsons, whack the pinata!

Gameshow Host: Come on, break that pig open! Once more. Harder. Whack it open. Good.

Gameshow Host: All right, you may remove your blindfolds.

Lisa Simpson: Oh sorry, Dad, we didn't know.

Bart Simpson: I had an inkling.

Homer Simpson: Could someone please whack my hernia back in?

Bart Simpson: (TENDERLY) Sure thing, Dad.

Gameshow Host: Mr. Simpson, we'll cut you down as soon as you answer one question about Japan.

Homer Simpson: Is the answer Japan?

Gameshow Host: (ANNOYED) Actually, it is. (YELLS ANGRILY OFFSTAGE IN JAPANESE) (THEN, BACK TO SIMPSONS) That means you move on to the lightning round.

Gameshow Host: He seems okay, but he is being burned internally.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, ain't that Homer on the Japanese channel?

Moe Szyslak: If that's Homer then... who the hell's been putting beers on his tab?

Barney Gumble: (TENTATIVE ANNOYED GRUNT) (THEN) Woo hoo? (THEN, SEARCHING) Umm... that boy ain't right?

Gameshow Host: Congratulations Simpsons, the airline tickets are yours. All you have to do is to pick them up...from inside that volcano.

Homer Simpson: (PLEADING) Why are you so cruel?

Bart Simpson: This vacation really blows.

Homer Simpson: Well, at least we're past the lightning round.

Homer Simpson: Hmmm, I see... (LOOKING UP HOPEFULLY) I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round.

Marge Simpson: Mmm, I don't think that bridge can support much weight.

Lisa Simpson: Well, Maggie weighs a lot less than... oh, I'll just go.

Audience: Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met!

Lisa Simpson: (ON MONITOR) Yes! Got 'em!

Bart Simpson: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S...

Marge Simpson: (GASP) Lisa!

Homer Simpson: Marge! Your shoe!

Bart Simpson: Plane tickets!

Marge Simpson: Oh, I'm afraid this might be the end.

Homer Simpson: Well, at least we'll die doing what we love... inhaling molten rock.

Homer Simpson: (WRITHING IN LAVA, SCREAM) It burns! It burns!

Gameshow Host: Don't worry, that "lava" is just Orangeade made by our sponsor, Osaka Orangeade Concern.

Homer Simpson: It burns! It burns!

Gameshow Host: (PROUDLY) It's loaded with wasabi. Kudos, Simpsons, you have won your freedom!

Homer Simpson: (LECTURING) Before I go, I want to say something. Game shows aren't about cruelty, they're about greed and wonderful prizes like poorly-built catamarans. But somewhere along the line, you lost your way. For shame.

Gameshow Host: (CHIPPER) Coming up next, a Canadian couple who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions.

Canadian Man: Ooh, that stings, eh. Oooh, God!

Gameshow Host: Sting those Canucks. (CHUCKLES)

Homer Simpson: I love this show. Take that, you stupid hosers!

Bart Simpson: Goodbye, Japan. I'll miss your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling, whale-free seas.

Simpsons: (HOMER) Hey, what's all that? / (LISA) Whoa! / (BART) What's happening?

Pilot: (CALM TEXAN DRAWL) Ahh, folks, we're experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on.

Pilot: When we get to thirty-five thousand feet, he usually does let go. So, from there on out all we have to do is worry about Mothra and uh, we do have reports he's tied up with Gamra and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

Homer Simpson: (SCREAMS) Undo! Undo!