Homer Simpson: Animation is so great. It's way better than... whatever the alternative is.

Marge Simpson: Seems like animated shows are everywhere. (CORRECTING) Or were, last year.

Bart Simpson: Cool, Japanimation.

Super-criminal: Electro-web, deploy!

Super-criminal: Now I control the Roboverse!!! (GLOATING LAUGH)

Female Warrior: Your laugh is incorrect, Meganaut! (TO SELF) Activate Prawn Power!

Bart Simpson: Man, that Princess Tempura is one heck of a Transformazoid.

Lisa Simpson: Wait, I'm confused. Why was a wolf shooting a web?

Bart Simpson: Cartoons don't have to make sense.

Ozmodiar: He's right, you know.

Rod Flanders: Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons?

Ned Flanders: Mmm-hmm. This one's fine and dandy, Roddy. It's approved by a council of Presbylutheran ministers.

Dog: Whatcha makin' there, Gravy?

Boy: It's a pipe bomb, Jobriath. For to blow up Planned Parenthood.

Dog: I don't know, Gravy...

Boy: I'm sick of your lack of faith!

Dog: (MUFFLED) But Gravy...

A.D.R. Sessions: (POMPOUS) And then I created the voice of Yellow-Bellied Yak: (A LA COWARDLY LION) All I need is some courage. Courage, I tell ya.

Lisa Simpson: Excuse me, but isn't that voice very similar to the Cowardly Lion?

Comic Book Guy: Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason...

A.D.R. Sessions: (A LA JACKIE GLEASON) Hamina hamina hamina hamina hamina...

Professor Jonathan Frink: (VERY JERRY LEWIS-ISH THROUGHOUT) ...and Klutzy Kat sounds exactly like Jerry Lewis, with the stealing and the lawsuit and oh nice judge, don't hurt a person!

Director: And cut!

SMOOTH ANNOUNCER: After a tough day on the set, how do Itchy and Scratchy relax?

Itchy: With Laramie extra-tar cigarettes!

Butler: Here's your smokes, Mister Itchy.

Itchy: Thank you, Louie.

Scratchy: Mmm-hmm. And now there's more nico-glycerol.

Butler: I don't know what's in 'em. I just know I can't stop smokin' 'em.

Homer Simpson: Wait a minute, was that cat making out with that mouse? (GRIMLY) 'Cause if they were...

Company Spokesman: Folks, you're about to witness the exciting new process of motion-capture animation.

Company Spokesman: Now, we'll need a volunt--

Homer Simpson: Pick me! Pick me!

Female Technician: Now, when we activate the suite, our furry friend (POINTS TO CARTOON DOG) will copy you exactly.

Homer Simpson: (SINGING) I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT / SHORT AND STOUT / HERE IS MY HANDLE / HERE IS MY SPOUT.

Cartoon Dog: (HOMER'S VOICE, STUMPED) Uh... lemme see... (DON CORLEONE IMPRESSION) I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. (A LA LILY TOMLIN) And that's the truth. (BRONX CHEER)

Bart Simpson: (LAUGHS) That dog's a riot.

Cartoon Dog: (TO CROWD) Thank you! (WAVING GOOD NIGHT TO THE CROWD) Don't spay or neuter your pets! Good night!

Cartoon Dog: Zipper released. (RELIEVED NOISES)

Cartoon Dog: Oh, yeah. Urinal cake eroding... eroding... eroding... gone!

Homer Simpson: That motion-capture suit is just what this country needs. Just think of all the hilarious motions that are going uncaptured. (DEMONSTRATING) Like this...

Homer Simpson: See? Now wouldn't you love to see that move, performed by a cartoon possum?

Carl Carlson: An opossum capering around like that would be a smash hit!

Lenny Leonard: That would be the world's funniest marsupial.

Homer Simpson: You're right. That suit gizmo could be worth billions. And I'm gonna get a piece of the action!

Carl Carlson: So, does he still work here or what?

Homer Simpson: I'd like to withdraw my life savings, please. And hurry!

Teller: Uh, Sir, this is a joint account. Uh, you'll, need your wife's signature, too.

Homer Simpson: Oh. Yes, of course. Uh, she's behind that plant.

Homer Simpson: (BEHIND PLANT) Hello, Marge. (IMITATING MARGE) Hi, Homie. (AS HOMER) Sign this, please? (AS MARGE) You're the boss! (AS LISA) Daddy, ask the man for some candy! (AS HOMER) No, no, no candy for you. (AS LISA) Then at least get some candy for yourself.

Homer Simpson: (LAUGHS) Kids.

Teller: Here's your candy.

Homer Simpson: So long, sucker!

Teller: (WAVING CASH, CALLING) Uh, sir? Your life savings.

Homer Simpson: (COVERING, BUSINESSLIKE) Uh Yes, I see that it's in bill form. Excellent.

Homer Simpson: I'd like to buy 500 shares of "ANIMOTION, INCORPORATED."

Stockbroker: Okay... Uh, now, before I execute this order, are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership?

Homer Simpson: Absolutely.

Rockettes: (SINGING) WE'RE IN THE MONEY / WE'RE IN THE MONEY...

Homer Simpson: You heard the monkey -- make the trade.

Female Voice: (ON PHONE) For automated stock prices, please state the company name.

Homer Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Animotion.

Female Voice: (ON PHONE) Animotion. Up one and one-half.

Homer Simpson: (HAPPY) Yahoo!

Female Voice: (ON PHONE) Yahoo. Up six and a quarter.

Homer Simpson: (CONFUSED) Huh? What is this crap?

Female Voice: (ON PHONE) Fox Broadcasting. Down eight.

Homer Simpson: (TO STOCK) Sleep tight, my beloved. You're my ticket out of this hellhole.

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: Sorry. Our ticket out of this hellhole.

Kent Brockman: Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth...

Homer Simpson: Yes!

Kent Brockman: ... after plunging seventy-five points this morning.

Homer Simpson: (NERVOUS) Oh, I hope "plunging" means "up," and "seventy-five" means "two hundred."

Kent Brockman: The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy, which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson: Family meeting! Family meeting!

Homer Simpson: Okay people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.

Homer Simpson: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now, let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.

Lisa Simpson: Well maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it!

Marge Simpson: (SNAPPISH) Well, maybe if you ate some meat you'd have a natural lubricant! (REALIZING, GASPS, THEN TO HOMER) You lost all our money?

Homer Simpson: Point of order: I didn't lose all the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.

Homer Simpson: Damn you, e-Bay!

Homer Simpson: I have a great way to solve our money woes: you rent your womb to a rich, childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.

Marge Simpson: Are you crazy?! I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.

Homer Simpson: C'mon, Marge. We're a team! It's uter-us, not uter-you.

Marge Simpson: (GROANS) Forget it.

Barney Gumble: You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money -- I'm a human guinea pig.

Homer Simpson: You mean, like, medical testing?

Barney Gumble: Yeah, medical... military... chewin' stuff...

Moe Szyslak: Chewin' stuff?!

Barney Gumble: Yeah, like, you chew on a telephone wire till you get a shock.

Moe Szyslak: (SATISFIED) Oh, oh, right, okay.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous?

Barney Gumble: Ah, you get a few side effects.

Moe Szyslak: (SHOCKED) Are those ears?!

Barney Gumble: (WINCES AND COVERS HIS CHEST) Ow! Not so loud.

Homer Simpson: Hmmmm.

Female Researcher: First, we'll test this experimental perfume on you.

Homer Simpson: It burns! It burns! (AGONIZED SCREAMS)

Female Researcher: Hmm... (TO OTHER RESEARCHERS) We'll call it Desert Breeze.

Male Researcher: That appetite suppressant is amazing!

Female Researcher: (INTO MICROPHONE) Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food?

Homer Simpson: (CONFUSED) Food? (THEN, REALIZING) (PANICKY NOISES) I'm BLIND!

Male Researcher: Who's gonna buy a pill that makes ya blind?

Female Researcher: We'll let marketing worry about that.

Male Researcher: Where did that rat come from?

Female Researcher: He must've brought it in with him.

Homer Simpson: Dammit!

Male Researcher: Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects?

Female Researcher: He's a little too well-fed to be a wino. (POINTS TO SCREEN) Hey, what's that?

Male Researcher: Zoom in on section 8.

Male Researcher: Rotate twenty degrees.

Female Researcher: Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain.

Homer Simpson: There's a crayon in my brain?!

Homer Simpson: But I've had thousands of head x-rays. How come no one ever noticed it before?

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (APPEARING FROM NOWHERE) Oh, I can answer that. You see, whenever I pick up an x-ray, I always hold it like this.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: My thumb must've covered up the crayon every time. (CHUCKLES) I'll show myself out.

Female Researcher: Do you have any idea how this might have happened?

Homer Simpson: Well, I'm not sure, but it mighta happened when I was six.

SIX-YEAR-OLD HOMER: Fourteen... Fifteen... Sixteen! Woo-hoo!

SIX-YEAR-OLD HOMER: Oh, I don't feel so good.

SIX-YEAR-OLD HOMER: Eh, I think that's all of 'em.

Male Researcher: Mr. Simpson, this could be responsible for your subnormal intelligence.

Homer Simpson: (OFFENDED) Hey, I came here to be drugged, electrocuted and probed, not insulted.

Female Researcher: We could remove the crayon for you. It could vastly increase your brain power... or it could possibly kill you.

Homer Simpson: Hmmm. Increase my killing power, eh? (DEADLY GRIN) Let's do it.

Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer, where have you been?

Homer Simpson: I just underwent a procedure to increase my IQ fifty points.

Marge Simpson: Really?

Homer Simpson: (RE: CLOTHES) And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble, too.

Marge Simpson: Do you feel smarter?

Homer Simpson: Is the capital of North Dakota Bismarck?

Lisa Simpson: It is!

Bart Simpson: I don't believe it. Say something else smart.

Homer Simpson: Dr. Joyce Brothers may be well known, but her psychological credentials are highly suspect.

Lisa Simpson: It's true!

Homer Simpson: Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say "liberry" or "tomorry".

Lisa Simpson: I'd love to go to the library with you.

Homer Simpson: It's a date!

Lisa Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Dad, did you read all these books today?

Homer Simpson: Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud. (SADLY) It's so tragic, the way they hopped on pop.

Lisa Simpson: I always dreamed you'd be my library buddy.

Homer Simpson: (AMUSED) Get out!

Lisa Simpson: No, really. I think books have an amazing power to bring people together. Look, even Cletus is checking one out.

Cletus Spuckler: Now, holt still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.

Cletus Spuckler: Ow! Dang it!

Cletus Spuckler: Ow!

CLASSICAL D.J.: That sonata may not be a Glenn Gould performance, but I must say it's "good as Gould".

Homer Simpson: Hey, Flanders, headin' for church? Well, I thought I could save you a little time.

Ned Flanders: Oooh, found a new short cut?

Homer Simpson: Better. I was working on a flat tax proposal, and I accidentally proved there's no God.

Ned Flanders: (EXAMINING PAPER) We'll just see about that-- Uh-oh. (THEN, HOPEFUL) Well, maybe he made a mistake-- Nope. It's airtight.

Ned Flanders: Can't let this little doozy get out.

Seymour Skinner: Welcome to the third lecture in our series on "Not Putting Things Up Your Nose." Please welcome Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson: I am here to give hope to the least of you. Because we all have a crayon up our nose. Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax. Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice...

Nelson Muntz: Question!

Homer Simpson: Yes, Nelson?

Nelson Muntz: (UNDER BREATH, FAST) A moron says what?

Homer Simpson: Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However, (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY).

Nelson Muntz: What?

Homer Simpson: (TRIUMPHANTLY) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron!

Audience: Haw haw!

Homer Simpson: You see? It's cool to be smart.

Homer Simpson: So be like me, and use your minds: paint a painting, sing a song, and dance a dance!

Kids: Yay!

Seymour Skinner: Thank you. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we are canceling art, music, and dance. Please evacuate the auditorium before it's bulldozed into a mini-mall.

Lenny Leonard: So, is that your usual coffee mug?

Carl Carlson: Yup.

Lenny Leonard: Huh. Looks a little bigger.

Carl Carlson: It's not.

Lenny Leonard: Whatcha mailin', Homer?

Homer Simpson: I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant.

Carl Carlson: How come you're not giving it to Mr. Burns?

Homer Simpson: I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities, and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

Lenny Leonard: Yeah. And just in time. Every day there's more skin on my pillow.

Carl Carlson: Yeah, it's nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant. (TO LENNY) Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece.

Homer Simpson: Comfy, isn't it?

Carl Carlson: Oh, yeah. It provides the freedom -- and protection -- I so sorely need.

Carl Carlson: (HIGH-FIVING) Yeah!

C. Montgomery Burns: It seems the Federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistle blower.

C. Montgomery Burns: Now, while the plant is brought up to code, there will be massive layoffs. That is to say, total layoffs. Toodles!

Lenny Leonard: Huh. Way to put us out of work, genius.

Carl Carlson: I can't feed my family with a codpiece.

Homer Simpson: Wait, you can't hate me. I'm your better! (CALLING) Your better!

Ozmodiar: (TO HOMER) Oh, you've really done it this time, Dum Dum.

Barflies: Burn! Burn! Burn!

Barflies: Burn! Burn! Burn!

Homer Simpson: Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy. (DAWNING) Hey, that's me!

Homer Simpson: Stop that! The fire inspector would be appalled.

Fire Inspector: Don't tell me how to feel.

Homer Simpson: So you all hate me?

Lenny Leonard: That's right, Brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for workin'.

Carl Carlson: Not to mention drivin' to.

Moe Szyslak: And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.

Lenny Leonard: You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.

Homer Simpson: Hmm, I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern...

Moe Szyslak: Power off, Einstein.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact, I made a graph.

Lisa Simpson: I make a lot of graphs.

Homer Simpson: Well, what gets you through the day?

Lisa Simpson: Oh, many things: Tai Chi, Chai Tea... But I find, when I can't keep the unhappy thoughts from swirling in my brain, the best thing is usually a nice long walk.

Homer Simpson: A walk? That's a really good idea.

Minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Groom #1 / Groom #2: I do.

Minister: (COUNTING GROOMS, WOOZY) One groom... two grooms... But he... But you can't... (BREATHES HEAVILY) Oh, my medication!

Ring Bearer: Radical!

Usher: (HOKEY) Is that your final answer?

Homer Simpson: (TO SELF) I don't understand. That wasn't funny.

Patty Bouvier: Wait a minute! Somebody's not laughing here. (SCANNING AUDIENCE) It's him!

Homer Simpson: Hey, don't blame me. This movie is tired and predictable. You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob...

Captain Horatio McCallister: ... ably played by Bill Paxton.

Homer Simpson: It's Bill Pullman, you fool!

Burly Usher: Point out your plot holes elsewhere!

Homer Simpson: (PLAINTIVELY TO SKIES) Is there no place for the man with a 105 IQ?

Homer Simpson: I'm a Spaulding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was!

Male Researcher: I'm sorry. We don't play God here.

Homer Simpson: That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play God! And I think your octoparrot would agree.

Octoparrot: (SQUAWK) Polly shouldn't be! (WHISTLES)

Female Researcher: Look, what if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon?

Homer Simpson: (GRATEFUL) Oh, that would be heaven!

Homer Simpson: (READING CARD) Moe Szyslak?!

Moe Szyslak: That's right. I'm a surgeon.

Moe Szyslak: So whaddaya want here? Uh, Appendectomy, lipo, or (EXCITED, SELLING) the "sampler"? That's very popular.

Homer Simpson: (DRAMATICALLY) I want you to stick this crayon into my brain.

Moe Szyslak: No problem. (ART CARNEY ARM FLOURISH) The ol' Crayola oblongata.

Lisa Simpson: Ah, now for a little powder blue.

Lisa Simpson: (REALIZING) Oh, no. He wouldn't!

Moe Szyslak: All right, tell me when I hit the sweet spot.

Homer Simpson: Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner-pusher.

Moe Szyslak: All right, all right.

Homer Simpson: (INANELY) Dee-fense! (GRUNTS TWICE) Dee-fense! (GRUNTS TWICE)

Moe Szyslak: (ALMOST THERE) That's pretty dumb... But uh...

Homer Simpson: Extended warranty? How can I lose?

Moe Szyslak: Perfect.

Marge Simpson: Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.

Homer Simpson: Who wants lottery tickets? (WAVES FISTFULS)

Marge Simpson: (RESIGNED) Okay, it's in his brain.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way.

Homer Simpson: We were what what in a what what?

Homer Simpson: Yeah, which reminds me, I need a sandwich.

Lisa Simpson: Hey, what's this?

Homer Simpson: I'unno. Must be sumpin' I wrote before Moe fixed me.

Lisa Simpson: (READING) "Lisa: I'm taking the coward's way out. But before I do, I just want you to know: Being smart made me appreciate how amazing you really are." (TOUCHED SOUND)

Lisa Simpson: Oh, Dad.

Homer Simpson: Huh? (THEN, REALIZING) Oh, you want a hug. Well that, I know how to do.

Homer Simpson: (CHOMPING SOUND) Mmm... hug.