Homer Simpson: What the--

Marge Simpson: (THROUGH KISSING) Oh, urgent notice. (CONCERNED MURMUR)

Homer Simpson: If it's not final, who cares?

Doll: (À LA SHREK) Don-key!

Homer Simpson: (SHORT, SLIGHTLY AGGRAVATED SIGH) If it's important, they'll call back.

Lisa Simpson: Mom! Dad! The Retirement Home lost its license and Grampa has nowhere to live!

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED GRUNT) That man can't remember anything except our number!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: (RESIGNED) Get in the car, dad.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: You do know I'm a doctor now.

Hibbert's Father: Yeah! M.D.! Major Dummy!

Marge Simpson: Grampa, what happened?

Grampa Simpson: This place is unlivable.

Homer Simpson: (SHAKING FIST) My contract clearly promised "barely livable"!

City Health Employee: (WISEGUY) Yeah, well, we're closin' down Codger Stadium here until they fix up their violations. And there are a lot of 'em.

City Health Employee: ("IT FIGURES") Mannequin nurses.

City Health Employee: Like I said, a lotta violations.

Homer Simpson: Oh... I guess Grampa's coming home with us. (TO MARGE) Unless... what about that nice dog boarding place? The really good one, where they each have their own dog "partner."

Marge Simpson: No kennels!

Homer Simpson: You're right. Bad idea, bad idea... Should we just, y'know... drive by and take a look at the place? (OFF MARGE'S LOOK) Bad idea, bad.

Marge Simpson: When are your relatives going to be here?

Old Jewish Man: (SAD) Can I be honest with you? They're not.

Jasper Beardly: We're all alone in this world.

Old Jewish Man: All I have left is a phone message from my late wife.

Old Jewish Man's Late Wife: (BATTLEAX) Pick up the phone, big shot! I know you're there!

Marge Simpson: You're both coming home with us!

Old Jewish Man: Ya mean it?!

Jasper Beardly: Just let me say goodbye to my girlfriend.

Jasper Beardly: Don't get fat!

Homer Simpson: Honey, Grampa is the closest thing I have to a father and I love him. But three octogenocerouses? (RHYMES WITH "RHINOCEROSES")

Marge Simpson: Homie, Homie, we'll be old someday.

Homer Simpson: Speak for yourself. (MIMES DRINKING) Glug-glug-glug. (MIMES OVEREATING) Chomp-chomp-chomp. (COLLAPSING NOISE, DYING GASP, THEN LIKE FLAT-LINED HEART MONITOR) Beeeeep. (CHUCKLES) My lifestyle is my retirement plan.

Hibbert's Father: And don't forget my ripple!

Hibbert's Father: Without ripple, I never would have had you! Ripple's your real daddy!

Grampa Simpson: This is gonna be a swell flophouse, sister. So... where should we park our pills?

Marge Simpson: What pills?

Grampa Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Don't worry, Marge. It's childproof.

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED) Homer, how are we doing with those cots?

Homer Simpson: (STRUGGLING NOISES, THEN:) Uh... c'mon, boy. Your job is to guide me.

Bart Simpson: Well... I really think you should watch your temper.

Homer Simpson: (MAD) I mean down the stairs, you stupid kid!

Bart Simpson: "Stupid kid." Do you really think that's the way we should communicate?

Homer Simpson: (FURIOUS) You just wanna see your old man trip and fall! Well, sorry to disappoint you, lad, but, what the--

Bart Simpson: Not what I was hoping for, but it'll do. (RUNS OFF CHUCKLING)

Coach Krupt: Okay, boys, shower up. And I'd better hear some towels snapping!

Coach Krupt: Muntz! What is wrong with you? Now, you get undressed in front of everyone who's staring at you!

Milhouse Van Houten: Is that women's underwear?

Nelson Muntz: My mom can't afford to buy me clothes, so I wear her hand-me-downs! (SOBS)

Coach Krupt: Muntz! There's a kind of poverty that toughens you up! But this (SLIGHTLY DISGUSTED SIGH) is sad.

Bart Simpson: Hey! Leave him alone. I too know the pain of hand-me-down underwear.

Bart Simpson: My dad buys the underpants gorillas wear during monkey shows. So if you're gonna laugh at Nelson, laugh at me too.

Nelson Muntz: Simpson, I won't forget this. From now on, you and I are as tight as whiteys.

Homer Simpson: I've had it up to here with those freeloading wrinkle bags. They pee all night, they cry all day and every time they use the computer the font is huge!

Lisa Simpson: (SWEETLY) Dad, did it ever occur to you that we're learning how to take care of you when you're older by watching the way you treat Grampa?

Homer Simpson: Have you seen how he treats my Grampa? Never visits him. Never even acknowledges his existence.

Lisa Simpson: Your Grampa's alive?

Homer Simpson: Oh yeah!

Lisa Simpson: O-kay. Well, can you please be nicer to our Grampa? For me? I love Grampa. You may not realize it, but he's a treasure.

Grampa Simpson: Keep it down in there, you jabbermouths! I'm trying to watch C-SPAN Two!

Lisa Simpson: Please.

Homer Simpson: Okay. (CHUCKLES) You know, I love him too. In a manly way that never shows itself.

Old Jewish Man: Now we'll need three hearing aid batteries -- all different and hard to get.

Grampa Simpson: And this has to be in the fridge, next to the butter. And the butter has to be open.

Marge Simpson: (WEARY) Oh... I'll see what I can do.

Homer Simpson: I can handle them from now on, Marge.

Homer Simpson: Gentlemen, I've been thinking. My glorious youth and beauty won't last forever. Someday, when the leaves have turned, and the moon has broken apart into chunks of floating cheese, I will be old.

Old Jewish Man: What's your point, pound cake?

Homer Simpson: I'm hoping we can find a way to coexist.

Jasper Beardly: What did he say?

Grampa Simpson: He wants us to see if ghosts exist.

Old Jewish Man: Ooh... they do. My uncle Bill is here right now. Oh, Bill, Bill, I'm so sorry I wasn't a very good ladder holder.

Uncle Bill: (JEWISH ACCENT) That's alright, enough about that. Did the clock ever get wound?

Bart Simpson: This can only be good.

Bart Simpson: (UNDER BAG) This family has had a lot of hoods put over their heads.

Lou: Chief, something about that looks fishy.

Chief Wiggum: Lou, you've got a suspicious mind, you know? You remind me of that Elvis song. (THINKING) Uh, "Clambake." You know, 'cause you open your yap when things get hot. Clambake.

Bart Simpson: Where am I?

Jimbo Jones: Now, enter the stolen bicycle graveyard.

Nelson Muntz: We've decided to make you an honorary bully.

Jimbo Jones: (DRAMATIC) Bestow upon him the necklace of unknown retainers.

Bart Simpson: Um... thanks, but I'm not sure I want to be a bully.

DOLPH: It's too late. You've seen our faces.

Homer Simpson: (SATISFIED NOISE) Wow, never had breakfast at six in the morning before.

Grampa Simpson: I love yakkin' at the manager while he's trying to unlock the door.

Old Jewish Man: Now we'll talk about dead people you never met while we get a little exercise!

Homer Simpson: (ANNOYED) Oh, when does the exercise start?

Grampa Simpson: This is it.

Old Jewish Man: Yeah, we're mall walking.

Homer Simpson: (THRILLED) Oh my God! This counts as exercise? I'm barely moving and I'm smelling Cinnebun. Sometimes you have to wait till you're thirty-eight to discover who you really are. (DRAMATIC) I'm a seventy-nine-year-old man!

Grampa Simpson: Son, welcome to the club.

Grampa Simpson: Now say something pathetic.

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED) Uh, okay! (THINKING) Um... (PATHETIC) I can't.

Grampa Simpson: That's my boy.

Bingo Caller: I-25!

Old Man #1: What letter?

Bingo Caller: I!

Old Man #2: What number?

Bingo Caller: Twenty-five!

Old Man #1: What game?

Bingo Caller: Bingo!

Old Man #2: Dammit!

Mildred: Who's the icebox pie, Abe? (FLIRTY) Your younger brother?

Grampa Simpson: My son, but he's taken.

Mildred: Well, I'm not surprised -- the way he tears into corn on the cob.

Grampa Simpson: Now Mildred, he's a married man! You can't see the ring because his finger's too fat!

Mildred: Join the party, Abe. There's plenty of room in my bed... once they take the railings down.

Grampa Simpson: I said beat it... for the time being!

Grampa Simpson: Now Homer, you stay away from those red door hoochies. They're just trying to get a chicken dinner outta ya.

Marge Simpson: Well, thanks for the chicken dinner. How did you know I wanted one?

Homer Simpson: All you gals like chicken dinners, Marge.

Marge Simpson: Don't call me a gal. Makes me feel like I'm your mother.

Homer Simpson: (SHIVERS) Better turn up the heat. (WALKS TO THERMOSTAT)

Marge Simpson: It's eighty-two degrees!

Marge Simpson: Are you wearing sock garters?

Homer Simpson: Young lady, in my day...

Marge Simpson: (INTERRUPTING) Your day is my day! We're the same age! (LOUD GASP) You're turning into your father!

Homer Simpson: (GRAMPA-LIKE SPUTTERS, THEN HOMER VOICE) You won't feel so bolloxed once my social security checks start coming.

Marge Simpson: They're not coming for another twenty-nine years! (GASPS) Did your earlobes get longer?

Homer Simpson: Falsies.

DOLPH: Whoa! A tweet from Chester!

Bart Simpson: Who's Chester?

DOLPH: (SCOFFING) "Who's Chester?" Just the most legendary bully of all.

Jimbo Jones: They say he once wedgied a kid in half.

Bart Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Whoa...

Kearney Zzyzwicz: He's calling a bully summit for next Saturday night.

DOLPH: Hey, isn't that the same night the U.S. Figure Skating finals are?

DOLPH: They've been promoting it like hell!

Martin Prince: Excuse us, we're looking for owls.

DOLPH: Screech or hoot?

Martin Prince: Either one's fine.

DOLPH: That was an order!

Wendell Borton: Screech! Screech! /(SCARED HOOTING NOISES)

Patty Bouvier: Where's the Lord of the Fries?

Marge Simpson: Actually, Homer got up early to count and sort pills. Then he called the police when a Frisbee landed on our lawn. Then he went to the drugstore for an egg cream, but he only brought a nickel.

Marge Simpson: (TO SELF) I didn't mind that he grew bald... I didn't mind that he got fat... I didn't mind that he got fatter. (DISTRAUGHT) But no one told me he'd get older than me. (UPSET NOISE)

Patty Bouvier: Say it, honey. You're no longer attracted to him.

Marge Simpson: (SMALL VOICE) Maybe.

Female Dj: It's on tonight. And everyone who ever took anyone's lunch money is there.

FEMALE D. J.: All you boppers going to the park tonight make sure you're not packing.

FEMALE D. J.: We don't want any "accidents."

Bart Simpson: Ay carumba.

Wilbur: (CRISPIN GLOVER VOICE) How'd you babies get here?

Wilbur: Did your mommy bring you?

Nelson Muntz: (LOWERS HEAD) Yes.

Mrs. Muntz: Nelson!

Mrs. Muntz: I might have to move the trailer house while you're gone! Look for me downhill! I ain't got much gas!

Mrs. Muntz: Smell ya later.

Nelson Muntz: Hey, my old Weasels. How's Shelbyville Elementary?

Weasel #1: (HIGH WEASELY VOICE) Not bad. Not bad.

Weasel #2: (HIGH WEASELY VOICE) We've ruined picture day three years in a row.

Bullies: (CHANT) Ches-ter! Ches-ter! Ches-ter!

Chester Lampwick: They say the day of the bully is over. Popular music condemns us. Documentary filmmakers expose our craft. And cyber bullying has taken away the warmth of human contact. But I say to you the day of the bully has just begun!

Chester Lampwick: Can you dig it?

Gang Member: (SOTTO) Hey, why are you doing this?

Wilbur: (SOTTO) 'Cause I don't wanna sit around like Prince Charles waiting for the Queen to die.

Chester Lampwick: (DRAMATIC) Can you dig it?

Nelson Muntz: I can totally dig it!

Gang Member: Chester's been shot! (PIERCING SCREAM)

Wilbur: This kid did it! His sling is still warm!

Wilbur: Get that boy! And his friend, the kid with the ladies underpants.

Nelson Muntz: (ANGUISHED) How does everyone know?

FEMALE D. J.: To all you boppers out there, be on the lookout for a sling-daddy who took down our main man Chester. This is KBLY, your source for bully news, weather and sports. One hundred percent supported by money taken from nerds.

Jimbo Jones: I can't believe you did that, Bart. I don't even want to sit on the same side of this car with you. I'm just doin' it for balance.

Bart Simpson: (EMPHATIC) I didn't shoot him!

Jimbo Jones: Oh yeah? Well, why'd you bring your slingshot?

Bart Simpson: I don't know. I feel naked without it.

DOLPH: Yeah, I get that. That's how I feel about my eyebrow ring.

Jimbo Jones: The only way back to Springfield is on the subway. Past everyone else's territory. We'll just have to wait it out here until...

Kearney Zzyzwicz: We're gonna have to jump for it!

DOLPH: Noooo! I lost my flip-flop!

Jimbo Jones: Just keep moving!

Moe Szyslak: Oh. Well, well, well. Looks like youse and me may be up here for a while, eh? Yeah.

Moe Szyslak: Dammit! I just had to get her parkour lessons for her birthday.

S.a.t. Prepper #1: You'll have to get past the S.A.T. Preppers.

S.a.t. Prepper #2: (DEEP SCARY VOICE) Seven-ninety assault, seven-eighty battery.

S.a.t. Prepper #2: I didn't say to begin!

Female Dj: Word on the street is that the S.A.T. Preppers failed the test. The Springfield bullies are still at large.

Chief Wiggum: (AT RADIO STATION) That's right, yeah. So, uh, give yourselves up. Um, if I put on the radio, can I hear myself?

Chief Wiggum: Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow, that's-that's-that's crazy-crazy. Woo-woo-woo. Hello-hello Lou-Lou!

Old Lady: (ITALIAN ACCENT) I only have pennies! One-a, two-a.

Nelson Muntz: For Springfield!

Nelson Muntz: (DOPPLER) Save yourselllves!

Jimbo Jones: Today we are all Nelson Muntz.

Bart Simpson: (BOW HEADS, SOMBER) Haw-haw.

Jimbo Jones: Springfield. We're safe.

DOLPH: I'm gonna kiss the ground.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: Lo-ser! You're gay for the ground.

DOLPH: Well you're gay for homophobia.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: Wow. You just made me gay for tolerance.

Wilbur: (CLINKING BOTTLES ON THREE FINGERS) Bul-lies come out to play-ay! / Bul-lies come out to play-ay!

DOLPH: (SCARED) Oh no! He's got three bottles!

Wilbur: (CLINKING BOTTLES ON THREE FINGERS) CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK...

Old Jewish Man: I know a place that serves an early early bird breakfast. Steak and eggs for fifty cents. And it was forty years ago.

Homer Simpson: (ALARMED) Oh my God! I know that kid! We've gotta help him!

Old Jewish Man: I'd love to, but I'm sure that it's some sort of a holiday for me.

Homer Simpson: Fine. Your generation did its part when it won World War Two and created the Rockford Files. I've got this one.

Homer Simpson: (WHINY) Oh, it is so hard running in sand. (CONTINUES ON WITH DIFFICULTY)

Homer Simpson: No. No. I can't be old yet. (HEROIC) I won't let the ravages of time catch up with me till I'm fifty-two!

Homer Simpson: I'm coming at you with all the power of a reverse mortgage!

Wilbur: Ow! Ow! (SCARED) No! I've never really been in a fight!

Homer Simpson: Now let's go home, son.

Grampa Simpson: How did I get here?!

Marge Simpson: (TURNED ON) Ooh, what's your hurry?

Homer Simpson: We've got ten minutes between the kids falling asleep and the old guys waking up.

Marge Simpson: Go! Go! Go!

Grampa Simpson: I hear smoothin'!