Ex-jock #2: (LAUGHS) Welcome back to "Pigskin Preview".

Ex-jock #2: Denver - Green Bay. Who do you like?

Ex-jock #1: That's football, right?

Ex-jock #1: Well, I'm gonna take the Broncos in this game. 'Cause the Packers will be blinded by Jerry's tie.

Homer Simpson: Heh, heh, heh. Tremendous.

Ex-jock #2: I'm more worried about Al's jacket. How many stations can you get on that thing?

Costume Supervisor: All right, Listen! I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe. You people can dress yourselves!

Ex-jock #3: (CLEARS THROAT) Well, folks, he's got a point. Uh, with all our unscripted horseplay, we sometimes don't think about...

Homer Simpson: (GOSSIPY) Lenny, are you watching this?

Lenny Leonard: (THROUGH PHONE) Yeah, they really hurt that guy's feelings.

Homer Simpson: (LISTENS) I know!

Marge Simpson: Ready for the circus, Homer?

Homer Simpson: Circus?

Lisa Simpson: The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre.

Homer Simpson: But I wanna watch Bret Favre! ("FAV-RUH")

Marge Simpson: Come on, Homer. They're only in town for eight months, then they're gone!

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) I missed one of Jerry's zingers. Now I'll never catch up.

Marge Simpson: Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder.

Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah, that's way better than fun and excitement.

Lisa Simpson: (READING PROGRAM, HAPPILY) As French Canadians, they don't believe in refunds, or exploiting animals for entertainment.

Homer Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED MOAN) I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon.

Usher: (FRENCH ACCENT) Enjoy the show. For one day we shall die.

Disheveled Clown: (CALLING TO CROWD) Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez!

Disheveled Clown: (HOLDING UP LARGE VESSEL, CHUCKLES) I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? (SURVEYS CROWD) You, sir.

Man In Crowd: (STANDING UP, FRENCH ACCENT) But I cannot help you. I am just a local merchant from, uh... this town.

Homer Simpson: (CALLING) Just smash it open!

Disheveled Clown: (TO MAN) Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure. (WINKING TO AUDIENCE) Or Purée.

Marge Simpson: (ENVIOUS) They always pick the guy with the wires.

Marge Simpson: (INTRIGUED SOUND) Look at those exotic positions.

Marge Simpson: (SOTTO, TO HOMER) Watching those women is giving me ideas...

Lisa Simpson: They made an elephant!

Marge Simpson: It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?

Sideshow Mel: A storm is coming!

Sideshow Mel: I feel it in my bone!

Ringmaster: Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks.

Homer Simpson: (STANDS, CALLING) Oh no you don't! I paid full price for this freak show. Now nourish the child within me! (SHAKES FIST, MENACING) Nourish...

Ringmaster: Un, deux, trois!

RADIO WEATHER MAN: (NEW ENGLAND ACCENT) Well, we've got ourselves a classic nor'easter meetin' a classic so'wester. Overnight, expect rain turning to freezing rain turning to sleet turning to snow. And then melting in the summer.

RADIO WEATHER MAN: Snow! Maybe they'll cancel school.

Lisa Simpson: (POINTING) Look, the Sea Captain's all hunkered down.

Captain Horatio McCallister: Y'arr, help, I was tied here by teenage pirates!

Captain Horatio McCallister: The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary...

Bart Simpson: ...My Dear Watson Detective School.

Radio Announcer: And lastly, Springfield Elementary School...

Lisa Simpson: Yay!

Radio Announcer: (QUICKLY) ...is open.

Radio Announcer: (BAD SEGUE) And it's open season on savings at Springfield Menswear... which is closed.

Bart Simpson: (WHINY) Oh, everyone's off but us.

Marge Simpson: Oh, stop. Your father and I don't get the day off.

Marge Simpson: Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee!

Homer Simpson: One snow angel, comin' up.

Homer Simpson: Ahh, why does that always happen?

Homer Simpson: (LOOKING OUT WINDOW) Man -- everyone has a snow day but us.

APU+: Oh, they look wonderful.

Chief Wiggum: (TO SELF) Oh yeah, Clancy. Spell your name.

Chief Wiggum: Hey Lou, could you shake out the last few drops for me?

Lou: Yeah, no problem, Chief.

Lou: Seems like a waste of coffee, though.

Lou: Children, I'm proud of you. Most of our students didn't bother to show up on this last day before Christmas break. But you've kept intact my Cal Ripken-like streak of school openage.

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, where are the teachers?

Seymour Skinner: (DUBIOUS NOISE) Their union has called an "emergency caucus."

Teachers: (SINGING) CAUCUS, CAUCUS, CAU-CUS / CAUCUS, CAUCUS, CAU-CUS.

Seymour Skinner: But we'll have the last laugh on those Johnny-Come-Not-lies. (PULLING DOWN WINDOW SHADES) We're gonna watch my favorite movie, about a Grinchy little character who tries to "steal" Christmas.

Seymour Skinner: Ho, ho, ho!

Santa Claus: What's that, Blitzen? Why yes, it is Christmas Eve!

Elf #1: I'm happy.

Elf #1: (GASPS) It's the Christmas hobgoblins!

Nelson Muntz: What the hell is this?

Seymour Skinner: (LAUGHS) It's classic mirth-making, is what it is.

Hobgoblin: (NELSON EDDY TENOR) I WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE / SPEND MY DAYS PITCHING WOO TO YOUUUU...

Milhouse Van Houten: (MOANS WEARILY) He's been singing for two hours!

Lisa Simpson: This couldn't have less to do with Christmas! (POINTS) And I think that's a stagehand.

LITTLE BO PEEP: AND I LOVE YOUUU TOOO. / I AM YOU AND YOU ARE YOUUU / OH YOU AND ME / TOGETHER YOU CAN SEEE...

Nelson Muntz: Haw haw. Next time get a DVD!

Nelson Muntz: (FUMBLING WITH EQUIPMENT) This is a DVD!

Nelson Muntz: Well, you won't get to see Santa's Big Sing-off, but seeing as we're close to the usual dismissal time... (LOOKS AT WATCH, COUNTING OFF SECONDS) ... two, one.

Seymour Skinner: There it is. Take off, and have a frank and productive holiday.

Kids: (GASP) Oh, dear God.

Kids: (GASPS) Principal Skinner!

Kids: We're snowed in.

Nelson Muntz: We're trapped in the school!

Milhouse Van Houten: We're gonna miss Christmas!

Seymour Skinner: (HOLDING UP DVD) I fixed the DVD!

Kids: Roads closed. Pipes frozen. Albinos virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from Winter Wonderland to a Class III Killstorm.

Kids: (ANXIOUS) I don't like the sound of that "Class III."

Kent Brockman: And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns, in a veritable orgasm of poor planning.

C. Montgomery Burns: He shoots, he scores!

Waylon Smithers: (CHUCKLES) Perfect form, sir.

Marge Simpson: This is terrible. How will the kids get home?

Homer Simpson: I 'unno... Internet?

Seymour Skinner: Children, it seems the phone lines are down. (CLIMBING UP ON TABLE) So I'm afraid we're stuck here for the duration.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: But it's my kid's birthday.

Martin Prince: I'm doing a puzzle with Grandmama, and she'll finish without me.

Seymour Skinner: Yes, yes, yes. We all had plans. Except for me, ironically. I'm right where I want to be.

Nelson Muntz: I can cut a trail through the snow. I'm part Eskimo.

Seymour Skinner: I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi. No one leaves the building.

Bart Simpson: This stinks. We'll miss the Itchy and Scratchy where they finally kiss.

Seymour Skinner: I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi. You're not going home.

Kids: (GRUMBLING) / (SHERRI) That's so unfair. / (NELSON) This blows. / (MILHOUSE) Skinner's the real Grinch.

Ned Flanders: Well, I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof.

Homer Simpson: My car, your roof. It's only fair.

Ned Flanders: But it's my car.

Homer Simpson: (AMIABLY) Well, yeah.

Ned Flanders: Hey, whatever happened to the plow from your old snowplow business?

Ned Flanders: I never had a snowplow business.

Ned Flanders: Sure you did -- "Mr. Plow." You're wearin' the jacket right now!

Homer Simpson: I think I know my own life, Ned.

Homer Simpson: (SINGS SOFTLY, TO SELF) CALL MR. PLOW / THAT'S MY NAME / THAT NAME AGAIN IS / MR. PLOW.

Üter: I'm so hungry. I want more.

Groundskeeper Willie: You heard the principal. Everyone gets one apple and a handful of relish.

Seymour Skinner: If you don't eat your relish, you're not getting any mayonnaise.

Nelson Muntz: (DEFIANT) Screw this. (STANDS) The rest of you can stay here like dorks, but I'm goin' home.

Kids: (CHEERS) Go Nelson!

Seymour Skinner: Well, I hope you've all learned something from Nelson's headstrongedness. Now from now on...

Kids: (MOVING TOWARD SKINNER, CHANTING) We want out! We want out! We want out! We want out!

Seymour Skinner: It's getting ugly out there. (STARTS PACING) Think, Skinner, think. What would Superintendent Chalmers do?

Gary Chalmers: Skin-ner!

Seymour Skinner: Eh, that's no help.

Seymour Skinner: (FONDLY) Ah, my old footlocker.

Seymour Skinner: Hah, back in 'Nam I could command respect.

G.I. #1: (LOOKING OUT WINDOW) Sarge. Let's make a break for it, while the guards are partying with Jane Fonda.

Young Skinner: Nope. Too dangerous. We're all gonna sit tight and reminisce about candy bars.

G.I. #2: Uhh, well, uhh, one time I'm eatin' a candy bar at the beach, and a girl starts takin' off her bathing suit...

Young Skinner: Get back to the candy bar.

G.I. #1: (IMPATIENT) The hell with this. I'm gettin' outta here.

Young Skinner: No! You fool!

Seymour Skinner: That elephant ate my entire platoon. (THEN, RESOLUTE) Well, I'm not gonna let it happen again.

Seymour Skinner: Children! Stand down!

Seymour Skinner: I said stand down!

Seymour Skinner: I'm not joking, people! (POINTEDLY) From now on there will be no talking out of turn, or leaving this room. Willie?

Groundskeeper Willie: Aye, sir.

Nelson Muntz: This sucks.

Seymour Skinner: (IN HIS FACE) Are you questioning my authority? (PROMPTING) Willie?

Nelson Muntz: Ow! (PAINED SOUND) My vest!

Nelson Muntz: (TO KIDS) Well, don't just stand there, fight back! There aren't enough coat hooks to hold all of us!

Seymour Skinner: Actually, there are. (COUNTS QUICKLY) Five, ten, fifteen, twenty... (TO SHERRI AND TERRI) Uh, can you two share a hook?

Terri Mackleberry: Yes, sir.

Seymour Skinner: We're fine, then.

Seymour Skinner: Oh! I think we hit something.

Homer Simpson: I hope it's Flanders. (LAUGHS, THEN NOTICES FLANDERS THERE) I'm just kidding. (RODNEY DANGERFIELD) Hey, you're all right.

Seymour Skinner: Uh, now children, if you have to answer nature's call during the night, use this bucket next to Bart's head.

Bart Simpson: Hey!

Seymour Skinner: All right, lights out.

Bart Simpson: I'm tired of taking orders from G.I. Jerk. I'm gonna tunnel outta here.

Lisa Simpson: No, Bart. For all we know, hundreds of rescue workers are digging us out right now.

Homer Simpson: (SINGING BAD COMPANY SONG) ... I FEEL LIKE MAKIN' LOVE / MAKIN' LOVE TO YOU! / DO DO DOOO / DO DO DOOO.

Ned Flanders: Catchy song, all right. You really wrote it?

Homer Simpson: Yeah, as a tribute to Princess Di. And Dodi. Because these days, princesses...

Ned Flanders: (MUFFLED BY ICE, GASPS) We're trapped!

Ralph Wiggum: Mr. Army man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit.

Seymour Skinner: Is that some sort of plush novelty?

Ralph Wiggum: Yes, ma'am.

Seymour Skinner: (REACHING BLINDLY AROUND HIS COT, THEN) Uh, well, here's a scouring pad. It's just as good.

Ralph Wiggum: (HUGGING SCOURING PAD TO CHEEK) It's cold and hurty.

Seymour Skinner: What the...?

Seymour Skinner: (GASPS) A tunnel?!

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart's digging us out!

Seymour Skinner: Not on my watch, he's not.

Seymour Skinner: I know it looks like the path to freedom, but one collapse and presto, you've got a snow casket.

Bart Simpson: (DEFENSIVE) I was gonna put buttresses in.

Seymour Skinner: Gonna, wounna, shounna. Willie? Destroy it.

Kids: What? / No! / You can't. / (DISTRESSED MURMURS)

Groundskeeper Willie: (EYEING TUNNEL) He did do a bonny job, sir.

Seymour Skinner: Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too.

Groundskeeper Willie: Okay, Skinner. That's the last time you'll slap yer Willie around. I quit.

Seymour Skinner: Fine. I'll do the job myself.

Seymour Skinner: Help, it's caving in!

Bart Simpson: What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck?

Seymour Skinner: That's precisely the problem and you know it. Now get me out of here!

Bart Simpson: What's that? You want the pee bucket on your head?

Seymour Skinner: No! You're twisting my words!

Bart Simpson: C'mon, we're takin' over the school!

Bart Simpson: That's it. Cinch it up around the neck.

Seymour Skinner: This is a gross misuse of school property. Where are the dodge balls?

Seymour Skinner: All right, that's it! I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind.

Bart Simpson: Silence, Seymour. We're in charge now. Your reign of fussiness is over.

Bart Simpson: (OVER P.A.) Attention, the school is now under kid control. You are hereby ordered to go nuts!

Bart Simpson: (DESPAIRING MOAN) Stupid ice. I always knew I would die caked in something.

Bart Simpson: Well, better turn off that engine. Before those fumes put us in tombs.

Homer Simpson: Wait, let's just leave it on till we forget our troubles.

Ned Flanders: (A LITTLE DIZZY) Hm, sounds like a plan.

Seymour Skinner: I can't write this. It's a grammatical nightmare.

Bart Simpson: Mau! Didi mau!

Bart Simpson: I'm getting a cramp in my wrist!

Bart Simpson: Oh, boo hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer.

Bart Simpson: Come on, Seymour! Mau! Didi mau!

Bart Simpson: (GETTING SNAPPED) Ow! I told you, no one can climb a rope. It's physically impossible!

Bart Simpson: What part of "didi mau" don't you understand?

Seymour Skinner: Nelson, put that globe down! Milhouse, stay out of my desk! Jimbo, that's my Princi Award!

Bart Simpson: Quiet, Principal Spinner.

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, I got Skinner's key card. We can finally see our permanent records!

Seymour Skinner: (CALLING) No! You can't go in there!

Bart Simpson: "Underachiever and proud of it?" How old is this thing?

Lisa Simpson: (READING) "Lisa is an outstanding student, with a slight tendency toward know-it-all-ism." (GASPS, THEN, TO MILHOUSE) That's not even a word!

Milhouse Van Houten: Then we'll get rid of the record. Permanently!

Nelson Muntz: Hey, look how much Skinner makes. Twenty-five thousand dollars a year!

Bart Simpson: (FIGURING ON POCKET CALCULATOR) Let's see, he's forty years old, times twenty-five grand... Whoaa, he's a millionaire!

Seymour Skinner: (IRRITATED) I wasn't a principal when I was one.

Nelson Muntz: (IGNORING HIM) Plus, in the summer, he paints houses!

Milhouse Van Houten: He's a billionaire!

Seymour Skinner: (CALLING TO KIDS) If I were a billionaire, why would I be living with my mother?

Seymour Skinner: They're just not responding to logic anymore. (FRUSTRATED SIGH) I'll never win this alone. There's only one guy who can help me now.

Bart Simpson: Look, I'm throwing papers.

Seymour Skinner: You're my only hope, Nibbles.

Seymour Skinner: Godspeed, Nibbles. Godspeed.

Seymour Skinner: (GROANS) Nuts.

Nelson Muntz: There you are! (INTO WALKIE-TALKIE) Falcon to Eagle. Have located Bag of Crap.

Seymour Skinner: Nelson, if you get me outta this, there's a hall monitor position coming open in the spring...

Nelson Muntz: I spit on your monitors.

Seymour Skinner: I know. That's why the position's available.

Homer Simpson: (DELIGHTED) Marvelous! Marvelous! (SUDDENLY BORED) Enough! I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing.

Homer Simpson: Bring me my ranch-dressing hose. (CLAPS HANDS TWICE)

Camel: (BRAYING, FLANDERS-LIKE) Homer? Homer!

Ned Flanders: Homer! Wake up! The car's filling with...

Homer Simpson: I know, ranch dressing.

Homer Simpson: A hamster ball!

Ned Flanders: (GASPS) Just like the one that saved Ezekiel! (BREATHES FRESH AIR)

Homer Simpson: We're free! (LOOKS DOWN AT HAMSTER) And we've got something to eat.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Ned Flanders: Now let's go save those kids.

Homer Simpson: You're the camel.

Homer Simpson: Hey, this car's got cruise control.

Homer Simpson: (CALMLY) School, please.

Ned Flanders: Homer, that's not how it...

Security Guard: It's happening! My horoscope was right!

Security Guard: So long, "Johnny Tremain"! Your Newbery Award won't save you now.

Seymour Skinner: (STILL IN SACK, APPALLED) Not "Huck Finn"! I spent hours crossing out the sassback!

Ned Flanders: (GASPS) We're gonna crash!

Homer Simpson: Do you have airbags?

Ned Flanders: No. The church opposes them for some reason.

Nelson Muntz: (STARTLED BY NOISE) What was that?!

Lisa Simpson: It sounded like a silo tipping over!

Bart Simpson: Look, the snow's melting!

Martin Prince: With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride.

Martin Prince: Dad!

Seymour Skinner: (GASPS, AMAZED) You did it, Nibbles. Now chew through my ball sack.

Gary Chalmers: Skin-ner!

Seymour Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!

Gary Chalmers: What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? (SEES SOMETHING) And is that burning literature I smell?

Seymour Skinner: (FUMPHERING) Uh, well sir, I uh...

Gary Chalmers: There'd better be a good explanation for this.

Gary Chalmers: (STEPS UP, SINCERE) There is, sir...

Gary Chalmers: Ah, then I'm happy.

Seymour Skinner: Bart, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending things didn't happen. And I think this is one of those.

Bart Simpson: One of which?

Seymour Skinner: Exactly.

Bart Simpson: No, seriously, I wasn't listening.

Seymour Skinner: One of those situations where...

Bart Simpson: Gotcha!

Homer Simpson: C'mon, kids. Let's leave this awful place and never come back.

Bart Simpson: Boy, that salt really ate through the car.

Lisa Simpson: And the exhaust pipe is leaking.

Homer Simpson: Whuh?

Camel Lisa: And furthermore, (CAMEL BRAYING NOISES)

Harem Girl Bart: (BART VOICE) Ignore her, Effendi. We have each other.

Homer Simpson: Oh, baby!

Homer Simpson: No use struggling my beloved Chalamela.

Camel Lisa: Merry Christmas from the Simpsons! (TWO CAMEL BRAYING NOISES)