Marge Simpson: I can't wait to see my Valentine's Day surprise!

Homer Simpson: Good, 'cause I'm parking at it right now.

Marge Simpson: A carnival? What's so romantic about this?

Lisa Simpson: (DOPPLER) Goodbye! / See ya later!

Homer Simpson: For the next two hours, we'll be kid free. (PLEASED) It'll be just like the time we lost them at the mall.

Homer Simpson: That was the best Christmas ever.

Homer Simpson: Ah, the Tunnel of Love -- nothing gets a woman in your arms faster than scary robots and simulated privacy.

Homer Simpson: Marge! Look over there! (POINTS TO A WOLFMAN)

Bart Simpson: Mom and Dad are in there. Wanna ruin their fun?

Lisa Simpson: Bart, no, it's Valentine's Day.

Bart Simpson: Okay... but if Dad kisses Mom too much, a stork will lay an angel egg in her tummy, and the next thing you know we find a baby brother in the cabbage patch! Here's a thumbnail sketch:

Lisa Simpson: In the first place... (GIVING UP) do whatever you want. I'm getting' a candy apple.

Tunnel Of Love Carny: Due to a classic Jell-O prank, this ride has been disabled.

Tunnel Of Love Carny: Please remain in your boats -- you will be charged for the extra time.

Marge Simpson: This is a terrible Valentine's Day.

Homer Simpson: What if I told you some of the greatest love stories of all time?

Marge Simpson: (HOPEFUL) Romeo and Juliet? Arthur and Guinevere? Brangelina?

Homer Simpson: Even better -- a tale of ... (HOLDS UP FINGER) One moment.

Homer Simpson: A tale of two young outlaws in love...

Homer Simpson: They were the Bonnie and Clyde of their day. Their names were... Bonnie and Clyde.

Cletus Spuckler: Miss Bonnie, might I escort you to the picture show? I swear I won't misbehave.

Bonnie: (TEXAS ACCENT) Then no thank you. This is Texas! Future home of Akeem Olajuwon! And I've got dreams as big as he will be. I want action!

Clyde: Action, eh?

Clyde: Clyde Barrow, local bad boy.

Bonnie: Bonnie Parker. Say, if you're so bad, you could go stick up that feed store over yonder.

Bonnie: (GOADING) Unless you're... chicken.

Clyde: (MAD) No one calls me "chicken" without goading me into doing something stupid!

Grampa Simpson: (ANNOYED) Ya idjit! You coulda had anything you want for free! You're a co-owner!

Clyde: (CALLING BACK) I'll see you at Thanksgiving! (FIRES AT GRAMPA)

Bonnie: (EXCITED) Oats! Texas caviar!

Clyde: Good times.

Bonnie: (KISSES HIM) Finally. Some excitement.

Clyde's Thoughts: (TO SELF, WORRIED) I guess violence is her only turn-on. Well, there might be others, but I'm too lazy to figure out what they are. So violence it is!

Bonnie: (SIGHS) There's somethin' this kissin' is missin'.

Bonnie: Oh Clyde, you know just what a girl likes.

Bank Employee: Why are you shooting at us? We cooperated fully!

Clyde: It's a sex thing!

Bank Employee: Say no more!

Ned Flanders: Hey, can I give you folks a lift?

Bonnie: Yes, to a series of banks, up and down the state.

Ned Flanders: Banks? Well deposit yourselves in a seat 'cause you've earned my interest!

Newsreel Narrator: Dateline, Texas...

Newsreel Narrator: A nation crippled by unemployment and bored by Seabiscuit, embraces two unlikely folk heroes.

Newsreel Narrator: Bonnie and Clyde souvenirs are flying off the shelves...and the dust bowl duo has inspired their own radio show.

Actor: (À LA YOUNG GEORGE BURNS) Uh Bonnie, where'd you put the money we stole?

Actress: (À LA GRACIE ALLEN) I filed it under "G".

Actor: (À LA YOUNG GEORGE BURNS) Under "G"? Why would you file it under "G"?

Actress: (À LA GRACIE ALLEN) Because gee it's swell to have all that money.

Actor: (À LA YOUNG GEORGE BURNS) I see.

Newsreel Narrator: Their notoriety has reached the highest levels of government...

Franklin Roosevelt: To deal with the menace of Bonnie and Clyde, I am recalling all our air defense forces from Pearl Harbor.

Franklin Roosevelt: Somebody please remind me to move them back.

Japanese Ambassador: I would be honored to perform that duty.

Ned Flanders: They're outlaws?! I've been played like a pair of spoons! (CONSIDERING) Well, who am I to judge -- it's the Depression, money's tight...

Newsreel Narrator: Anyone who sees this unmarried couple should --

Ned Flanders: Unmarried?! That's it, I'm turning 'em in.

Sheriff Wiggum: Hey keep it down, will ya? The part where all my men get killed is comin' up.

Ned Flanders: Listen Sheriff, I can help you take down Bonnie and Clyde.

Sheriff Wiggum: (SIGHS) After the racially-insensitive cartoon.

Mexican Mouse: One taco, coming up.

Sheriff Wiggum: Even I'm offended by this, and I'm a fat Southern sheriff.

Ned Flanders: Um... the battery seems to be dead. I'll get some help by hidin' in that bush.

Ned Flanders: C'mon, shoot! Shoot!

Ned Flanders: Not me!

Clyde: Bonnie, I love you. Will you marry me?

Bonnie: I don't know -- I guess I'm just looking for a little more excitement.

Clyde: Okay, but if you change your mind, you know where I'm at.

Bonnie: I think we should see other people. (TO WIGGUM) Say Officer, I like how you handle that gun.

Sheriff Wiggum: (FLATTERED) Thanks. I like the way you take a bullet.

Clyde: Hey, back off -- she's my girl!

Sheriff Wiggum: Darn, just my luck.

Sheriff Wiggum: Cool. Now we're shooting the birds that are peckin' at the bodies! (CONTINUES SHOOTING)

Marge Simpson: So that's the end of the story, huh?

Homer Simpson: You'd think so, but... (MORE MACHINE GUN NOISES)

Bart Simpson: We wanna hear a story!

Lisa Simpson: A story suitable for children!

Marge Simpson: All right! This is a story of two dogs with a love so strong, no hose could separate them. I call it Shady and the Vamp...

Shady: (SIGHS) She's so beautiful... Imagine what she looks like with her collar off...

Moe Dog: A mutt like you could never get a fancy dame like that. Even her fleas have more class than you.

Snooty Male Flea: Lady Bitington, will you be summering in the hindquarters again this year?

Lady Bitington: Oh no. Chompy and I have taken a cottage in West Leg. It's where all the fleas are fleeing.

Shady: (COCKY) Watch and learn.

Shady: (SUAVE) You know, Heaven must have left its doggie door open, because you are one--

The Vamp: (GASP) Oh, you poor thing!

The Vamp: Is there anything I can do?

Shady: (VERY WOOZY) You can have dinner with me.

The Vamp: (A LITTLE LEERY) All right -- but keep your nose where I can see it.

Moe Dog: Can you bring a friend for me? I like those chicks with them head cones -- when they start talkin' you can drop below the horizon.

Luigi: Oh, Shady, you on a date, huh? How's it goin'?

Shady: (LIKE A DOG) Ruff! Ruff!

Luigi: Oh, you say it's goin' kinda rough?

Shady: (HIGH-CLASS) That is precisely what I'm saying.

Luigi: Sit down, sit down, I bring-a you a nice bowl of Chianti.

The Vamp: (PANICKED NOISES) Let go! Let go!

Shady: (MOUTH FULL) No. You let go of the spaghetti!

Shady: (GIGGLES) You're pretty feisty for an upper class bitch.

The Vamp: (TURNED-ON) Ooh, I like that you use the technical term for a female dog.

Luigi: Run, run -- the health inspector man, she's-a here!

Luigi: Why didn't I listen to mama? "Serve food to humans!"

The Vamp: I have to admit, that was exciting. And... I am in heat. That's the safe time, right?

Shady: Oh, the safest. (CHUCKLES)

The Vamp: That was the most wonderful night of my life.

The Vamp: That's odd. I'm never sick in the morning. What could it be?

Shady: (LYING) Uh... is that a fox hunt I hear? (IMITATES FOX-HUNTING HORN)

The Vamp: Shady?

The Vamp: (SAD NOISE) I haven't seen Shady in weeks!

The Vamp: ANY MINUTE NOW / HE'LL SCAMPER THROUGH THAT DOGGIE DOOR...

Shady: ANY MINUTE NOW / I'LL BE THE DOG SHE'S LOOKIN' FOR...

Barflies: ANY MINUTE NOW / YOU'LL BE STUCK WITH HER BROOD...

Siamese Cats: (BITCHY) ANY MINUTE NOW / THIS POOCH WILL KNOW SHE'S SCREWED...

The Vamp: MY HEART TELLS ME TO TRUST HIM...

Siamese Cats: BUT YOUR HEAD KNOWS HE'S A HOUND.

Shady: I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING...

Moe Dog: (TALKING) Come on, with all this high-class tail around?!

Upper-class Fleas: ANY MINUTE NOW / OUR GIRL WILL MAKE A BRAND NEW START...

Siamese Cats: YESSSSSS!

The Vamp: (WHO AM I KIDDING?) ANY MINUTE NOW / I WON'T CARE THAT HE BROKE MY HEART...

Shady: (FINALE) ANY MINUTE NOW!

Lisa Puppy: Where's our Dad? / We need a Daddy! / I wanna go find Daddy! / Where's Daddy?!

The Vamp: I don't want to hear another word about your father.

Lisa Puppy: We've gotta find our Daddy!

Bart Puppy: Yeah, he's gotta teach me how to lick my... (LOOKS DOWN) Oh, I figured it out. You go ahead.

Lisa Puppy: C'mon!

Lisa Puppy: (CALLING) Oh, Shady! / Shady! / Shady!

Lisa Puppy: (CALLING) Daddy! / Daddy! / We need you, Daddy! / Daddy!

Dog Catcher Willie: Ah! Got ya! You strays are goin' straight to the pound, where you'll be put to sleep... by my boring stories. (QUICKLY) And then you'll be killed!

Moe Dog: Looks like that problem solved itself. Now how 'bout you and me sniff each other's butts? (CHUCKLES) I'm just kiddin'. (DEAD SERIOUS) Unless you want to.

Moe Dog: (POIGNANT) Well, looks like it's just you and me again tonight. (CHASING TAIL NOISES)

Wacky Dog: (GOOFY VOICE, DESPERATE) Gorsh, you can't kill me -- I'm half-human! Look, I wear clothes, I speak English! I'm speaking it right now!

DOGCATCHER WILLIE: Sure you are...

DOGCATCHER WILLIE: You two are next. Here's your last meal...

DOGCATCHER WILLIE: (POURING) It's "Cycle Five" -- specially formulated for dogs with five minutes to live.

DOGCATCHER WILLIE: Don't bite the hand what kills ye!

Lisa Puppy: Yay, Dad! / I knew you'd come save us!

Shady: You two are going home. And I'm comin' with ya!

Wacky Dog: This place is no picnic, but it sure beats workin' for Disney. (GOOFY LAUGH)

Lisa Puppy: Look who we found!

Bart Puppy: Can we keep him? Can we keep him?

The Vamp: That depends. Does he want to stay?

Shady: (EMOTIONAL) I want to stay, sit, roll over and beg!

Shady: Please, please, please, please, please, please, pleeaase!

The Vamp: All right, we can be a family.

Shady: (DELIGHTED CHUCKLE) All four of us.

The Vamp: Uh... You know there are nine other puppies.

Shady: (LIKE SCOOBY DOO) Ruh-roh.

Homer Simpson: (MOANS) Even love is boring when you're stuck in a tunnel of it. Why can't this be the Tunnel of Hockey Fights?

Bart Simpson: Well I've got a Valentine's Day story! It's about musicians from a simpler time. The era of The Brady Bunch, Donny and Marie, and...

Johnny Rotten: (SINGING LOUD) SMASH THE FLAG / BURN THE QUEEN / KICK THE SKY / ANTICHRIST!

Milhouse Van Houten: Nancy, what are the odds? You sign up for a semester at U. of London, then I immediately do the same.

Nancy: (ROLLS EYES) Yeah, I'm really lucky you saved me from meeting other people and having new experiences.

Nancy: (INTRIGUED) What is that raw, primal sound? (WALKS TOWARD CLUB)

Milhouse Van Houten: You can't go in there -- our guidebook says not to!

Sid: (NOT SUNG BUT SHOUTED) Hitler and her majesty / sittin' in a tree / b-o-r-r-i-n-g!

Male Punk Rock Fan: You rule, Sid Vicious!

Sid: (FURIOUS) You sicken me!

Sid: (TAUNTING) Why am I hittin' myself? Why am I hittin' myself?

Nancy: He's so uncompromising -- he'd never go for an uncool spelling-bee champion like me. I've spelled "unrequited" -- now I know what it means.

Otto Mann: (FURTIVE) Yo. I got Duds, Chunks, Twix, Cadbury's -- any way you want to go.

Milhouse Van Houten: Chocolate?

Milhouse Van Houten: Nancy's too smart to put that in her body. It's only for losers, like musicians and...

Nancy: Musicians?!

Milhouse Van Houten: That's my girlfriend.

Otto Mann: Then I guess you'll be paying for her chocolate.

Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, okay.

Constable Wiggum: Gotcha! That's nice work, Officer Otto.

Otto Mann: (DISTINGUISHED BRITISH ACCENT, NOT SOUNDING LIKE HIS NORMAL SELF) Happy to be of service, old bean.

Martin Prince: (SUNG) S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT! / S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

Sid: Look, an American nerd bird.

Nancy: (NERVOUS) Nerd bird? Would a nerd bird have chocolate, huh? Would a nerd bird?

JOHNNY: Stop saying "nerd bird"! Chocolate is boring.

Sid: Maybe I'll have a piece. (COVERING, TO JOHNNY) You know, just to see how boring it is.

Nancy: Oh, you're offering me some? Um... I guess I could. (NERVOUS GIGGLE) I mean, I do it all the time!

Sid: Yep, it's boring, all right. (THEN URGENT) How much more you got?

Nancy: (HAPPILY) Lots.

Johnny Rotten: We're gonna go out and play our songs like we've never played 'em before: competently! (MOANS) Where's Sid?

Steve: Sidney Sheldon Vicious! Where you been, chompin' Wonka?

Johnny Rotten: When I hired a guy named Sid Vicious, I assumed it would be a thirty-year business relationship.

Paul Cook: I told you to hire Tom Responsible.

Johnny Rotten: Slag off.

Texan Announcer: Here they are, all the way from outside of Texas -- the Sex Pistols.

JOHNNY: (SINGING) EDUCATION'S BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS! / AMERICA IS BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS! / POLITENESS IS BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS! / BOLLOCKS!

Sid: (GROANS) Can't reach me bass. Me back is frontward!

The Rich Texan: Dang it, I wanted to hear what else was bollocks!

JOHNNY: (TO SID) You gobbed up our gig, you git!

Nancy: You leave Sid alone! He doesn't need you! He's quitting the band!

Sid: (STRUNG-OUT) I'm doin' what now?

Nancy: You're quittin' the band. (TO BAND) He's going solo -- and I'm gonna write his songs!

Sid: Yeah! (TO BAND) Hey, you guys wanna be in my new band?

Nancy: (ANNOYED GROAN) Just stop talking and bang your head against the wall.

Sid: I'm doing this 'cause I want to, not 'cause she told me to.

Nancy: Bang harder!

Sid: Yes, pet.

Sid: (SINGING) 'CAUSE LOVE IS THE ELIXIR

Nancy: THE POTION OF EMOTION

Sid: THE WORLD-SAVING FIXER

Nancy: THE LOTION OF DEVOTION...

Punk #1: This song doesn't make me feel angry at all.

Punk #2: If anything, it's making my anger ebb!

Comic Book Guy: Your music violates everything punk stands for, which is nothing! You are no longer welcome at CBGB's -- "Comic Book Guy's Bar."

Sid: Aw forget those jerks -- let's go back to the hotel and get Snicker-faced.

Nancy: Oh I love you, my Hershey Hero.

Sid: And I love you, Tootsie Roll...

Homer Simpson: Happy Valentine's Day, and shut your gob.